The Demolition Continues: Forgiveness Edition

Within a minute of getting home, I knew what I had to do: hole myself up in my room until he left. It was the safest option after such a shock. 

The feelings? Surprise, anxiety, and (eventually) anger and resentment.

The cause? Someone from my past (who I had avoided seeing at all costs) having the guts to show up at my home, unannounced, after more than a decade of having no communication with him. Oh, and anger at a neighbor who didn't know the situation and called him back (as he was nearly out of the front gate) when she saw me arriving home. She apologized afterward when she was made aware of why this person is not welcomed at my home.

I hate surprises, especially unpleasant ones. Yet, there I found myself, texting friends and asking them to pray that this person would leave my apartment as quickly as possible. I didn't leave my bedroom until I felt it was safe to do so, leaving my poor mother to do all the entertaining. I couldn't fake cordiality. I felt robbed of my peace and I was angry. Seething angry. It takes a lot for me to get that angry but, goodness, I was.

I won't go into too many details about who he was or what he did but let's just say he caused a lot of damage to not only me but my relationship with my father. It was due to his untruths that my father and I had a strained relationship for a long time; one that remained so until this person was caught in his own lies and my father redirected his anger towards him. After my father's death, he tried to do more damage with untruths but, again, he was caught and that severed any hopes of a relationship.

I honestly thought I had forgiven him over the years; that I no longer held any resentment towards him... until he showed up. He knew I didn't want to see him. My brothers had warned him, repeatedly, over the years. His calls went unanswered for years. Yet, he chose to show up and, basically, try to force me to see and talk to him. Nope. Sorry, buddy. Not happening. I guess I hadn't forgiven him after all.

I don't want to hold grudges against anyone. I want to be able to forgive people. I thought I had forgiven everyone who had hurt me... with the exception of the person who hurt me the most, recently. But that wound is still fresh so it'll take me some time to be able to not flinch when someone mentions them. Still, God has shown me that I haven't forgiven the person who showed up at my home... and that I need to. After all, no one can get to Heaven if they're unforgiving of someone who has done them wrong and I sincerely want to spend all eternity with God in Heaven.

I know it won't be easy. I can see (now that the anger has subsided) that God will use this situation to help me move towards forgiveness. I want to forgive him -- and, God willing, I will -- but I'm going to need a lot of help to do so. Enter: me pleading with God for the grace to do so because I can't on my own.

I was telling my mom (after he left) that I feel like I can forgive him... if I never have to see him again. It sounds so petty and uncharitable but I feel like it would be easier for me to be able to forgive him if I never saw him again. I don't want a relationship with him because of the damage he inflicted on my father and I. I also don't trust him to be honest and I cannot have any type of relationship with someone I don't trust. No, it would be best if I can work on forgiving him without having any contact with him again. 

Before you ask why I thought it was best for me to stay in my room: it was the most charitable thing I could do at that moment. I could've either stayed in my room (which I did) or I could've been incredibly rude because (as any of my friends will attest) I cannot fake what I'm feeling. You can just see what I'm thinking and feeling on my face. 

And, yes, I know that I failed at the Benedictine pillar of being hospitable but I was more concerned with my emotional and mental wellbeing at that moment. Imagine seeing someone who had caused a lot of hurt over the years after more than a decade of having nothing to do with them; after their being told you wanted nothing to do with them and their decision to still try it. Not very pleasant, friends. Thankfully, I had the excuse that I had a deadline and an article to write to make it slightly less rude. It was the truth. I had been planning on getting straight to work after Mass and an errand I needed to take my mom on since the previous night. I did excuse myself -- busying myself, writing the latest article while I waited for him to leave -- so, at least, I was able to speak the (non-angry) truth and not be a total jerk to him.

The kicker is that this all happened on the same day that a Mass was offered for me at my home parish. The Mass, which was requested by an anonymous person, was offered for my health and happiness. Yes, those exact words. And. yes, we attended said Mass. I even found a St. Philomena prayer placard someone had left for parishioners to take before we left, which I got excited over. I'm going to take a guess that it was St. Philomena's way of reminding me of both my vocation discernment and of her help if anything big (like this) happens. 

Hmm, this all happened roughly two hours after the Mass had ended. I don't blame God for it (nor am I angry with Him; no reason to be)... but I don't think it's a coincidence either. Remember the last post in which I said that my heart is yearning to belong solely to God? Perhaps, this is yet another thing I must work on; forgiving others so that my heart can belong more fully to Him. It would make sense. How can I love him if I can't love my worst enemy (and this person is as close as one gets to being considered an enemy of mine)?

I guess the demolition continues. As awful as it was (and it took me hours -- and about half of a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle solved -- afterward for me to feel calm again), I know God will use it for my own benefit. So, let's keep going, God. If You need to keep tearing me down and make me confront unpleasant things so that I can become the woman You want me to be, I won't fight it. I might grumble at first (as it is still the knee-jerk reaction) but I'll accept it and try to learn from it. Your will, not mine.

I'm not sure how long it'll take me to forgive this person but I'm going to try hard. I'm going to take this to prayer and have many, many conversations with God during my time in front of the tabernacle and Blessed Sacrament. I'm going to ask our Blessed Mother and St. Philomena for their help as well. I'm going to do all I can and ask God to help me because I need a boatload of grace to help me reach that goal of forgiveness. After all, anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die; it's just not good for the soul.

Anyway, just another little hiccup that I wanted to share on this journey. Maybe it'll help someone... or have someone share any tips that might've helped them if they were in the same boat. 

Please say a prayer for me as I begin to try to forgive and heal from this massive wound I didn't know I still had.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

P.S. Thank you for the prayers for Mom and I over the weekend. Two major decisions were made after it was clear that they were the best options and we will be acting on them as soon we're able to. 

Taking a Dating Break... While Single

The past two weeks have been a bit odd. My "letter" to Catholic writers (and, really, to Catholics on social media in general) was not well received... and that was before the whole dancing priest controversy and Catholic Twitter stepping up the fights on that platform. I'm not going to comment on that because it's been discussed (or argued... strongly) by almost everyone. I'm just going to sip my tea and stand by what I've said, both on the blog and on Twitter. Instead, I'm going to post a sort of (unintentional) part two to my last post on thoughts regarding my vocation.

As I posted in the previous post, my private life has been a doozy lately. The last 7 months have been the hardest (in this department) in my adult life thus far. From confusing feelings about one person who unintentionally pulled me away from God and all that I know is good and true to dealing with new revelations about my vocation that have caused me to step outside my comfort zone, there hasn't been a dull moment for me.

If I told you that the last time I had a serious boyfriend was when I was 17, would you believe me? It's true. I've gone on dates since but nothing serious. I didn't have the time... nor was I in a good place for a while. My late teens and 20s were a busy time for me on all levels. I had to help take care of Dad (who was initially diagnosed with colon cancer shortly after I turned 17). I reverted to the Faith when I was 21. I had to finish my first undergraduate degree while juggling Dad's cancer and my anxiety problems. My father passed away and then I spent a year emotionally numb. I went through a slew of health problems and had to learn how to deal with the severe anxiety and panic attacks that once assailed me. I had to figure out my vocation. I had to learn how to take better care of myself (after neglecting to do so... which resulted in some of my health problems; which, thankfully, have now been taken care of). Just recently, I figured out my career/(small v) vocation and it's now systems go on that as well.

After I went through a sort-of identity crisis that lasted nearly a year (and only just ended in recent weeks), I saw that I've gotten clarity on all areas of my life... especially my (big v) vocation. I've already talked about that in the previous post but what I didn't mention is that once I felt more secure about what my vocation is, I also knew that I had to take a break because I've grown up a lot (spiritually and emotionally) since I last dated someone... and I need to figure out what works and what no longer does.

I'm not starting there though. I'm not going to see what areas I have to focus on when it comes to relationships. No, I'm going to strip that down further and go down to the true source of love -- God. I need to be in a place where I can be okay -- whatever my state in life is -- with only God's love. I wish I could say that I'm there right now but that would be a lie. I still crave that love from another person and I know that I can't jump into that without further cultivating my love for God.

I'm currently too lazy to go back and link all the older posts (I'm writing this on 3 hours of sleep... way early in the morning) but I know I've previously written about the fact that I know that only God's love can fully fulfill me and that gigantic void in my life. I stand by that. I know that is the truth... but my heart has to catch up to my brain in this instance. I'm not relying on feelings to tell me when that moment comes; I will know that I'm ready when I'm able to not be so easily swayed away from God and the Truth.

The recent young man in my life showed me that I'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon because my spiritual life isn't strong enough. My still-anemic spiritual life is just now catching up my physical (I was physically anemic for a couple of years as well) wellness. That's why I'm taking a dating break... and it hasn't been easy because I've had more guys show interest recently. No, this isn't me going "ooh, look, I've still got it; guys still like me..." It's more me saying "the timing is both terrible... and wonderful." Terrible because some have been promising but wonderful because it's been a sort of test for me in which I've had to stop and remind myself that I'm not ready quite yet.

So, what are my plans during this dating break?

• Going to daily Mass. 
• Going to adoration more frequently (recent Notting Hill inspired tweet, anyone?). 
• Taking up Bible study at home since I can't physically attend the meetings at local parishes. Thanks for all the recommendations on Twitter, y'all!
• Reading more books (finishing St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life and starting St. Teresa of Avila's The Interior Castle and The Way of Perfection). 
• Limiting my time on social media... and the internet in general because the negativity out there is harshing my mellow. 
• Focusing on a big test (that will last only a couple of months, God willing) that will further my small-v vocation.
• Continuing to improve my self-care so that I don't get physically sick again.

I'm not going to kick all men away during this time... but I'm also going to make it clear that I'm not in a place in which I can offer more than friendship. (side note: having no current crushes or interests really helps my ability to "friendzone" all males, lol.) God may surprise me and bring a great guy into my life between now and whenever I will be ready to begin dating again, but right now my focus is on my relationship with Him and on my own interior life. 

I cannot build a relationship (or a family) on a faulty foundation. My future fella and I deserve better than that. I cannot possibly help lead anyone to Heaven in my current state. I'm still having trouble getting to Mass as often as I'd like which is the first thing that needs to be worked on. 

Do any of my fellow single folks (women AND men) feel like perhaps they also need to work on your relationship with God? Better question: do some of you know that you need to take a dating break to work on your relationship with God but are reluctant to do so because you don't like being alone? You don't have to tell me, but be honest with yourself. If so, please know that I'll be praying for you. We're all in the same boat, y'all!

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the whole thing. I'm not sure how coherent they will be because, as I said earlier, I'm barely functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I have a theory as to why I've had insomnia the past 2 days but I won't be sure until I do something about it. And, actually, I think I'm finally ready to attempt a nap so I'll stop here.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! Avoid fighting on social media, get thee to the confessional, attend Mass, and stay holy, my friends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Oh! Hi, 1000th Blog Post!

Hello and welcome to my 1,000th blog post.

"Whaaaat?" That was my reaction when I posted the last blog post and saw that it was the last one in the triple digits. I can't believe I've written a thousand posts in the span of 9 years and (almost) 5 months. Crazy! Honestly, I can't believe I've kept this blog this long. I thought I would keep it for a couple of months or no more than maybe 2 years, tops but, here I am... still writing.

Those who've been reading this blog since the beginning (or, at least, within the first year of its inception), have gone through so much growth with me. When I started this blog, I was involved with someone whom I still in keep in touch with on occasion but is no longer one of the most important people in my life. I haven't really talked about my personal life since and have vowed not to until there's a wedding looming.

You've read about my struggles as an undergraduate, as a graduate student, and now in my academic limbo state. You've read about what I suffered when I was at the CINO college (now university) -- how much the professors made me cry for having an orthodox and "traditional" view of Catholicism. You've read my indecision about what to study; where to study.

You've been with me through my father's final cancer diagnosis... through the last months of his life... through his reversion to the faith (his 24th birthday present to me) two months before his death... through his death and burial... and through that first year in which I was emotionally numb...

You've been with me through illnesses and financial difficulties... through my lowest points... through my car accident... through my bouts of spiritual dryness (which I am currently undergoing again)... the craziness that was most of my 20s (I started this blog when I was 22!) into my early 30s (I turn 32 at the end of this month)...

You've also seen me at my best. You've read the joy it was to graduate from college after years of putting it off to help take care of my father (or myself)... the first time I was published in a Catholic publication... when I started my freelance writing career... when my first (and second) novel was published... when I was accepted to all three of my top graduate program choices...

We're going on 9 and a half years of this adventure together. Some of you have been reading since the beginning. Some of you have joined later on. Some of you are still new to this blog. It doesn't matter when you started following, you're still a part of this journey with me.

I still don't understand why anyone would want to read what I have to write. I'm no one extraordinary. I'm actually quite boring. I'm just your average gal who decided, on Christmas Day 2007, to write about her life and her journey through learning about Catholicism. I'm still learning. I'm actually going through sort of re-reversion period right now. I promise to explain this, and thoroughly, at some point in the future because it's a long story.

I want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your prayers and support throughout the years/months/weeks/days. I've come to close to shutting down this blog but, somehow, someone always seems to message me and encourage me to keep going so I do.

I have a lot of really, really, really exciting things coming up in my life in the near future. I will give y'all clues: London. Writing. Career. Discernment. Vocation/Relationship. Reversion. Travel. Possibly another degree. Rediscovery. Faith. I will write about these things at some point; most likely as I'm about to embark on them or when I'm deep enough into it that I can talk about it.

Stick around because I'm apparently not done writing yet. I'm sorry. lol. Oh, the writer in me. ;)

That's it for now. I have a lot of things to do today but I wanted to take a little break to write this post.  My 1,000th post. Nope, it hasn't sunk in yet. lol.

Oh! Before I go, I was wondering if I could bother y'all for some prayers. As I've shared before, I've had pancytopenia (low red and white blood cells as well as low platelets) on-and-off for years and tomorrow I'll have 18 (!) vials of blood drawn for the most thorough blood work they've ever done on me. They're testing everything -- vitamins, minerals, complete CBC, bone marrow, clotting, lupus, and seemingly any and all tests to rule things out a blood disorder or the presence of antibodies in my system. Thankfully, I won't have to fast but it's still a lot of blood. I've been feeling a little more weak/fatigued than usual lately so I'm a little worried about all the vials that will be taken. I would greatly appreciate any prayers you can spare. I just don't pass out or have any complications from the blood draw. I also hope for good news with the results because I'm tired of always feeling tired because of the anemia. Thank you in advance!

Alright, I gotta go do errands and try to find some good carne asada because I need to really prepare for tomorrow. All the iron-rich foods! lol. ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Mean Girls and "Girl World"

When I first watched the movie Mean Girls, I'll admit I laughed out loud. While it may (at first) seem like an exaggerated version of "girl world", I've come to find that not only is it tame compared to the stuff a majority of us women go through (even as adults) but it's actually dead on underneath the humor. Trust me on this, I've lived through MUCH worse thanks to the cattiness and constant "power struggle" within the so-called girl world.

It wasn't until I found myself some really amazing girlfriends (a majority devout Christians of various denominations and Catholics) that I realized that it was possible to never set foot into the scary "girl world" that is alive and well in most parts of the world. So called Queen Bees are truly scary. Heck, I'll be 25 on Sunday and they still scare me. lol. While I can certainly defend myself, I often choose to simply turn the other cheek. It's much easier and more Christian than plotting my revenge against. Plus, I avoid drama like the plague; I absolutely loathe it. Things had been good for me for the past couple of years until someone pulled me (whether she meant to or not) back into the girl world I try so hard to avoid. If you haven't guessed it, a guy is (of course) at the center of this "fight."

I normally don't talk about my romantic relationships because I feel like it's just between the person I'm dating (or interested in) and myself. I'm still not saying much but I feel like this needs to be said because I haven't really seen this discussed in young women's blogs (at least not the Catholic ones.)

Why is it that when two young women are interested in the same guy, there is sudden competition? Not only that, some get downright vindictive if they feel you're threatening to take men's attention from her. Why? I don't get it. It's definitely worse when two girls are after the same guy. Usually they try to "one-up" each other, making themselves seem like the perfect girl to the guy and trashing the other in the process. It's absolutely sickening... and I refuse to ever take part in that sort of thing. If you think Christian women are saved, you are wrong my friends. Some so-called Christian women do things more... how can I say this?... sneakily? Is that even a word? Well, anyway, I've seen these women use theology and Christianity to get ahead in the "competition." Really? Seriously? How low can we go, ladies? Using God to get a guy to like you? Lord help us all! Not only that, the more we get into these "fights" and "competitions" the happier you're making the evil one. Is that what you really want?

Of course I don't think I have to remind y'all that not only is this type of thing just insane but it's actually extremely sinful. I can think of at least one big mortal sin that you commit while doing this. We definitely get tempted to do a lot of really stupid things just to "win" the guy. And, unfortunately, not many stop to think about what they're doing until it's way too late and the drama has erupted into a full on war. I am woman enough to admit that I've often been tempted to also "step up my game" when I've seen a girl trying to win over my crush by force (oh the tactics I can list...) but I've managed to do well thus far.

Like I said in my Friendship and Jealousy post, I firmly believe that what is meant to happen will happen. Lately, I've allowed my "competition" to do as she pleases -- doing things I'd never do to get a guy to like me -- because I know that if it's meant to be it will be. I am not going to stress myself over this. If the guy falls for the tricks he's being played, not my fault. I'm not going to say anything because that's her deal with him. Just like I don't like people butting into my affairs (trying to have a say in the outcome of it just because they can't resist), I am not going to mess with the other girl's deal. To me, it's not worth it. I'm going to be myself and if the guy doesn't realize who I am and what I can bring to the relationship, it's not my fault. I refuse to throw myself at him. I refuse to change myself for him. I refuse to enter "girl world" drama for anything, especially a guy. I'm just going to leave it up to God and, if necessary, ask St. Raymond Nonnatus (patron against gossip) or St. Margaret of Cortona for their intercession because I can only handle so much. If you feel yourself getting tempted by these or any temptations, feel free to ask St. Michael the Archangel, St. Benedict of Nursia, or St. Catherine of Siena for their intercessions -- I have great faith in them, especially since they are some of the patrons against temptations. :)

Alright, my dears, I will now focus on school. I've been wasting too much time online and I think all these happenings are a sign that I should get offline more often and focus on my finals. I think I'm getting to complacent -- I know I can finish all the work quickly so I procrastinate. I will try to update soon but don't be surprised if I don't until after Sunday. It is, after all, a big weekend for me. :D

I hope everyone is well and that all you lovely young ladies are having it easier than I have/am at the moment. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Me? Date? No, Thank You! I'm Focusing on God

*Originally started on 8/12, finished/published on 8/27*

If there's one thing I've been feeling pressure to do, it's date and/or find someone to marry. It's been worse since my father passed away last month. It's mentioned so often, about how I "need" to find someone, right now (!), or else it's going to get more difficult as I get older, that I've resorted to poking fun at it. Um, hello, I just turned 24 years old a couple of months ago! Why all the pressure? Why all the comments? Unfortunately, I think it's because our society has been conditioned to think that we're not complete unless we have a significant other. Being the youngest of my siblings, I get all this advice, and my brothers threatening to hunt down any guy that hurts me (heehee), but I've come to the conclusion that I would be better off not listening to that advice and relying on prayers for the intercession of Our Blessed Mother (to make me a woman worthy of entering the married vocation), St. Maria Goretti (for purity of mind and speech), and St. Therese of Lisieux (over all patron in both my single and married vocations) to guide me through this time in my life.

To be completely honest, I haven't "dated" or had a "boyfriend" since I was in my late teens. I've never been on a proper date, which I'm actually proud of. lol. :D I do go out with my guy friends, but it's never in a romantic setting. Every thing I've done with my guy friends has been something I could easily do with a girlfriend. Well, the only exception was a football (soccer) match I went to with my friend Andrew of Per Fidem, but that's because my girlfriends aren't big on the sport and I am. (P.S. I still say we brought the L.A. Galaxy luck and that they owe us season passes, lol). Other than that, I tend to avoid doing things with my guy friends that I wouldn't with my girlfriends. I've avoided dating because a) I have horrible "luck" with guys (seriously, just ask any of my close friends) and b) in my experience, most guys have been after only one thing, yes THAT, -- even if they swear they aren't and hide behind the fact that they're Catholic to see if I fall for it. Too bad for them, I like to think of myself as being just a little smarter than the average nerdy bear.

Recently, with this new path that I feel the Lord is guide me on, I've re-evaluated the reasons why I've avoided dating... and this time, the reasons are better, more practical (which I'm trying to be), and I believe are more in line with what God wants from me. After reading two (completely different) books on dating, I've finally come up with how I will handle my future relationships. Let me say, before I go further, that this isn't what I hope everyone does. This is something I've figured out for myself, with the help of the Lord, and will do because I feel, in my heart, this is what will be best for me.

The two books I've read, Jane Austen's Guide to Dating by Lauren Henderson and I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, couldn't be more unlike each other. In one book (J. Austen's Guide) we have your typical dating advice with a twist. This book tells you not to play games with the person you're interested in and also has good advice about not holding a person up on a pedestal. It's good, sound advice and the twist is that she uses things that have happened with characters in Jane Austen's novels to make her points. Very cute concept, a couple of good tips (such as not dating someone based on their income/career)... but it sadly fails with all the mention of pre-marital sex. Every single chapter has so many of these examples. "So and so waited a month and now they're happy." "Him and her had a baby and are now content." "A and B moved in together and are now happily engaged." I don't recall one example that didn't have the more "traditional" process of waiting until marriage to enjoy that intimacy. Not one. It romanticized the idea of sex outside of marriage which is very dangerous for a young girl/lady who thinks this book, which will use example of Austen's novels, will be something completely different. After reading this book, I had to tell my younger adopted "sisters" (friends who I see as my sisters) not to bother with this book. It's not that I think they'll fall for the ideas presented, I just think it's a waste for modest young women. It made me sad to think that, as a young adult in today's society, what was written in the book is what is expected of me. And, sadly, it is. Thankfully, I have no problem "rebelling" against what society expects of me. The second book I read helped give confidence to my "Me? Date? No, thank you!" attitude and definitely countered the disillusionment I experienced from the first book. The second book, appropriately called I Kissed Dating Goodbye (by Joshua Harris), once again gave me hope for the future. Not only that, it actually helped solidify some ideas that I already had.

While some of the ideas in the books were more Protestant than Catholic, I was able to look past that and see what Josh's point was in each chapter. In fact, his constant reminder that we should pray about our vocation (though he never mentions religious life) kept reminding me that we should focus on knowing what our vocation is before pursuing any relationship. This is just one example, of many, in which I agreed with Josh. When he says that "dating is a product of our entertainment-driven, disposible-everything American culture" (pg 29), I think he totally hit the nail on the head. How many of you had an idea of what dating was supposed to be like due to what was given to us through movies and shows? The Notebook, anyone? The reality of it is that we're not going to live a romance like we see on tv or at the movie theater. I'm not saying it's horrible to like these kinds of movies. I'm very much a chick flick person who likes those happy endings... but it's also important to realize that it's all make-believe and that our reality isn't a fairy tale. (I hope I'm not bumming anyone out.) This is all coming from a self-described hopeless romantic, too.

As Josh wrote, many of the dating relationships we see are because they're attract to each other and want to have a good time. Most, sadly, don't want commitment; they just want to have fun then and there with that particular person. Trust me, I've had more than my fair share of guys trying to do this. One former guy "friend" was very blunt about how he just wanted to get to know me "in the biblical sense"; just have a little fun. Yes, he was attracted to me, but he just wanted that one time thing and not a relationship. Apparently, he didn't know me as well as he thought because those responses usually get either a kick in the shins or a sock in the nose (usually only metaphorically). Unfortunately, I've gotten this type of thing quite often, which was the initial reason why I decided to quit dating.

As I've said before, I do go out with my guy friends but never in a romantic setting. I don't treat any of them differently than I do my girlfriends. I enjoy getting to know the guys just as I do the girls. For me, I've found that getting to know members of the opposite sex as just friends will help you a lot. It's helping me learn how to deal with certain things (because we girls tend to be more emotional than guys) and also how to talk to them properly. I've also had the blessing of giving some of them advice, which I've always tried to give as honestly as I can. I call many of them my brothers because they've become like part of my family. Lately I've realized that I should keep doing this... and if someday I begin to develop feelings for one of them, then I'll already know him well enough to know whether to pursue something more than friendship. This way I'll know what I'll be getting into without getting my heart broken the way I would in a dating relationship that will go nowhere. As the book says, we tend to skip the friendship stage in relationships. We're in such a hurry to date with that initial attraction that we don't think twice about whether we know who we're attracted to. It's not completely easy once you have a crush, especially with having this "if you like someone, go out with them!" message constantly thrown at me, but not impossible either and I've been able to do it.

One of the most important things that IKDG did for me was make me very excited and happy about being single. Do you realized that once we get married (if it's also your vocation), we'll never have this freedom again? And I'm not saying that getting married is taking away your freedom. Not all! The freedom I'm talking about is getting to know yourself, and learning about yourself, so well that when it is time for you to share your life with someone, you can go into that relationship with confidence. When again will I get a chance to go to sporting events or even to the movies, with my guy friends? It's not appropriate to do this when I'm married. When again will I be able to travel without having to take anyone else's schedule into consideration? I'm able to make my own plans at the moment. Sounding selfish of me? Well... here's the one thing about the book that really stuck out to me: when again will I have a chance to completely devote myself solely to God and doing what God wants me to do without worrying about how it'll affect my (future) husband? Being single and being married are completely different vocations. I will be able to serve the Lord in both states, but each will ask different things of me.

As I've said in the last couple of posts, I believe that God wants me to focus on myself (for once) and on what I want to do for Him. I've realized that I've spent the last couple of years doing things mainly for my parents. There's no complaint at all though. I was blessed to be able to help my father during his last 7 years, and 3 cancer battles, of life. There has not been anything more rewarding to me than being able to take care of my father the way he took care of me as a child. I look forward to doing it with my mother when she reaches old age as well. Because of this, though, I have neglected my own needs and wants. There were times when I've wanted to volunteer at soup kitchens but couldn't because I preferred to stay at home and look after my father. I gave up my dreams of attending university partly for the same reason (the other part was because of the anxiety which used to be worse). MANY TIMES I've wanted to help out the homeless but, as I mentioned last year, my father wouldn't let me do this without getting lectured and yelled at. Now that I have this newfound freedom, I can do everything I've wanted to do that will help others and serve God in the process. THIS is the path that I feel God wants me to take, now that I am single and have no big commitments and responsibilities. I love that there's no man in my life to give my heart to, at the moment, other than God.

In mid-late June I had a dream that St. Therese of Lisieux showed me this red book with different people's pictures in it. It dawned on me that it was a book on dating and relationships. As soon as I took this book, I heard her tell me "have patience." When I woke up, I thought it was a sign, whether divine or subconscious, that I would have to be patient because the man I'm supposed to marry either isn't ready (if I already know him) or isn't ready and I haven't met him yet. I thought it was something different because I had a little "crush" on a guy friend at the moment. Even then, it all seemed a little confusing but now, looking back, I understand it. St. Therese, being a patroness of vocations, will now be my patron saint when it comes to my future relationships. Well, I should say my (hopefully) future relationship (singular) because I have made a promise to myself, and to God and St. Therese, not to enter a courtship ("old-fashioned", but, hey, so am I!) until I'm sure that the man I enter the courtship with is someone I could see myself marrying. I'm glad I made that decision because that way my next relationship will be that much special and sacred. I'm not afraid of commitment or of getting my heart broken. I'd just rather save that for my future spouse. I'm sure he, whoever he is, will be glad that I'm not going into the relationship with the cynicism one can get from getting their hearts broken through many failed relationships. I'm not jaded (and have been able to quickly bounce back from past disappointments) when it comes to romance and I hope that it stays that way. For now, I will do as my big brother's friend, who is a Protestant minister, has advised me to do: pray for my future spouse and hope that he puts God above all things, like I'm going to do, until he's ready for marriage.

By the way, I may joke about my footballer boyfriend on facebook and twitter but that's all it is - a joke that originated from a dream I had about marrying a footballer I wasn't (and am not) actually interested in. I had this dream for two months straight so it became a joke amongst friends. I told y'all my dreams were weird. lol. As I've often said in the past, I rarely talk about this side of my personal life but I decided to share and hope it'll help someone in the future.

I was going to write more, but I think I've been able to say all I wanted to say without sounding redundant and (hopefully) without sounding preachy. Again, these are just things that will work for me. Not everyone is the same and I'm sure some of you will disagree with me (I know a couple of my own close friends will), but that's how it is for me.

Okay, that's about it for now. I want to go pray for a little while, especially with this darn anxiety that seems to sneak up. I haven't had a full blown attack since the day dad passed away (and no attack months before that) and I'm going to ask St. Dymphna for her intercession so I am able to keep the anxiety at bay until I've figured out what's causing it.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Twitter; Twilight Series Review.

See? New post in a couple of days. I'm getting better at this. :D I've had a break from school due to my being sick again so I've had time to catch up on schoolwork, emails and twitter.

I have been meeting many cool Catholics on twitter. Someone was smart enough to compile a list of all the Catholics on twitter (on Tweet Catholic) and we've all been "following" each other. It's great to see how nice everyone is! If you have a problem, you'll get at least two people replying to you within the minute. I've had my twitter account for about a year and some change but I've only started updating regularly in the past 2 months. If you want to be added to the list, or see who's on it, please visit their site. :D I'm somewhere in the 120s. You'll recognize my username (nerdwriter) and name. Oh, and please feel free to add me if you already haven't. :D

One thing I've been meaning to write about for months is my review on the Twilight book series. I already sort of reviewed the movie but not the books. I need to say that I saw the movie before I read the books. I seriously try to keep away from these type of fads but I caved and saw the movie, then read the books. As I said with the movie review, I was surprised. I actually liked the movie more than I thought I would. It was tame compared to the books. The books were... wow. I actually read the entire series (four books between 500+ and 700+ pages) in a week. (side note: This was all before I headed back to school.) I was going to do a book by book review but that would take forever and I won't have time for it in a long while. Instead, I'm going to give you guys my impression/review on the entire series.

I liked and disliked the series at the same time. I loved, loved, loved that it was surprisingly pro-abstinence and pro-life. Yes, underneath all that lusting Bella did, and despite her numerous attempts to get Edward to give on his "not until marriage" deal, it was kept very PG-13. In fact, Edward kept reminding Bella (often annoyed at her persistence) that he wouldn't even consider it unless they were married... and even then, he wasn't too keen on the idea because he could hurt her. But, as I said earlier, there was way too much lusting and I can definitely see reviews by others about it not being suitable for young teenagers. The last book was quite intense (I actually got physically sick from reading it because of the gruesome details). There were a few redeeming qualities though. Bella and Edward got married in the traditional sense, with a pastor. They waited until their wedding night to get intimate (and, thankfully, Stephenie Meyer just implied it and didn't go into great detail about it). AND when Bella gets pregnant (don't get me started on this), Edward and most everyone else is wanting Bella to "get rid of it". Bella refused to get an abortion, and even got her "sister-in-law", Rosalie, to protect her against any possible attacks. Bella got close to dying during her pregnancy, and especially during the too graphic birth scene, but she refused to have the abortion. She would coo to her stomach that she loved him/her and that nothing would make her change her mind about giving birth. I greatly appreciated the fact that Stephenie put this into the novel, especially considering how many young women have read the books. Bella's love of her child mattered more than her life, which many women in real life have also done. I've read several articles on Catholic women diagnosed with cancer and other illnesses, whom all gone through the pregnancy and have died either during childbirth or shortly after. St. Gianna Beretta Molla is an excellent example of this.

Sadly, beautiful messages such as that were seem to be overshadowed by other events in the series. Besides the lusting, which I've already mentioned and which is ever present throughout the series, there are some serious issues. First, a lot of graphic and detailed images that are put into your head. I would be weary of my younger adopted sisters on reading the first couple of books, and I would snatch the books out of their hands if they got the last two in their hands. Particularly, the last one where there's way too much sexuality for their own good -- both implies and described. There were a few other things that bothered me. Bella was too wrapped up in Edward. So much so that when he left, she fell into a deep depression and was just completely unbearable. I honestly think it's completely unhealthy to have your world revolve around someone that intensely. Edward, though I liked his character more than Bella's, was also very possessive (sometimes on an unhealthy, creepy level) of Bella. I understand that they felt an intensity in their relationship but it was too overdone. It gives girls the wrong ideas and will give them fantasies that THIS is the type of relationship you should have.

I can't count how many times I've heard girls fantasize about having a Twilight style romance. It disturbs me to the core. In a recent article of the Busted Halo (called Twilight Zone), Marie Pitt-Payne is quoting as saying she believe the books are "an equivalent to soft porn … for girls." I have to say, I agree but only when it comes to the last two books. The first two books barely squeak by as being very intense teen novels. The last two, under 18 beware! If I didn't keep reminding myself to look for some redeemable qualities in the books (trying to find some things that could be viewed as positives, such as the underlying abstinence and pro-life messages), the messages (up to Bella's pregnancy and the birth of Bella and Edward's daughter) would've been completely lost. It's very easy to get sucked into the romance and I can see how women are falling for Edward (and the movie's actor, Robert Pattinson) left and right. But, I think they should remember that a) it's a fictional story and, b) like most fictional stories, that's not how things work in the real world.

In the real world, Bella and Edward's love affair doesn't exist. Heck, they don't exist. To try to replicate it is dangerous. As I often say, if a man wants to win my heart, he must first find his way to the Lord. I think it is incredibly important to know yourselves and have a relationship with God before you enter a serious relationship. Also, it is NEVER a good thing to play with temptation. Seeing just how far you can push it, which is what Bella often did with Edward. She pushed his buttons, trying to get him to cave, until he got so upset she dropped the subject. Playing with fire will get you burned. Have people forgotten that lust is one of the Seven Deadly sins? Also, there's too much idolatry of another person. I can probably find all Seven Deadly sins in the book if I looked hard enough.

This entry is getting really long so I will try to wrap it up. In a nutshell, do I recommend these books? A definite "NO!" to the younger readers. To the older reader I'd say, if you really want and if you can't help but read them out of sheer curiosity... read with caution and know yourself and your faith before reading them. While there are good moral messages in the book, it's mostly lost underneath piles of things that you'd probably go to confession for (if you think about it too much). Again, read if you must but I'd put up a caution flag on it.

Alright, well, I think that's all I can really say on it. I tried to give you guys the gist of it because I know I tend to write more than I should. What can I say? I'm a writer. :D I'm going to go enjoy the next hour of my night (to bed early) and think about my novel. It's coming along well and all I need to do is finish writing it. I already have enough material to complete the story. I think I might have a sneak peek coming up in the near future too... ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!
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Romantic Temptations; Baby!

I was thinking about something last night while I tried (unsuccessfully) to fall asleep. I came to the realization that I've had many temptations put in front of me in the past couple of weeks -- more so in the last week. I'll be completely honest -- it's taken A LOT of inner strength and will power not to fall for them. Most of them are centered around one particular subject: Love and Relationships.

In front of me has been placed a handsome young man who is successful, monetarily well off, charismatic, talented, and (on paper) is someone those close to me would like to see me end up with. If I were incredibly shallow and wrote down everything I looked for in a guy (solely based on looks) he'd probably be as close to being my "perfect guy" as anyone could get. He and I have a lot in common as well (down to our birthdays being so close, we could probably have a joint party if we wanted to). I did everything I could to not fall for his charm for the past 3-4 years but lately he's been more charming and more appealing than usual and it's gotten to me -- but not entirely. As I said, on paper he seems like the right guy but when you get past all of that, it's not so good. If I were to give into the temptation of ever having some sort of relationship with him, I would have even more temptations to deal with. To quote a Jamie Cullum song, he "can't even separate love from lust." He's very physical and I am not at all. I'm a hug machine but there's where it ends. lol. Trust me, many guys have tried to see how far they could push me and all have failed because I don't let them pressure/bully me into anything. He also has some vices that will eventually catch up with him and that's a scary thought. As much as I like his personality (his sense of humor almost mirrors mine and we have similar temperaments), I don't like the extra stuff. All of this got me thinking about something. A lot of things that aren't good for you are usually presented to you in a pretty package.

He has to be one of the most handsome men I've ever seen (so much so that I think to myself "Why on earth would he ever look at someone like me?"), but it's all a façade. Underneath his good looks and his charisma is someone who is in some serious trouble. He's strayed so far, it would take a lot of get him back to where he should be. I bet many of you young women have encountered a guy like this at one point or another in your lives. It makes me sad to think about him like this, but that's the reality of it. I'm glad that I've been able to recognize all of this because it makes fighting off the temptation even easier. I still have moments where it seems so easy to stray "just a little..." but even that thought is dangerous to have. I am lucky enough to be able to snap out of it quickly. To allow yourself to "test" yourself around the temptation is dangerous (have I used that word enough?). Thankfully, I've had enough experiences with romantic temptations to know what my limits are and what to do when I am in these situations. I wonder if this is why St. Benedict of Nursia has been popping up in my dreams so often lately. After all, he's one of the patron saints against temptations.

You guys have no need to worry about me in regards to giving into these kinds of temptations. I've already resolved that if any man wants to have a relationship with me, he must have one with God first. My claddagh promise ring will stay on my ring finger until it's replaced with a ring from a guy worthy of a place in my heart. I just wanted to share this with y'all so that you guys know that you're not alone when it comes to these things. Moving on and away from such a heavy topic...

Can I say just how EXCITED I am that my friend Melissa is pregnant with her first child?! Of course, I was the last to find out because I've stunk at keeping up with everyone on Facebook lately. lol. Still, I'm so happy for her. :D She was my best friend when she still lived here in Southern California. I still remember the last time we hung out, the weekend before she got married. I miss her terribly! She's such a great girl! When my paternal grandmother passed away, she was the only one who knew and didn't tell me (at the request of my mother who wanted to be the one to break it to me). When she found out I was told, she drove to my favorite diner, bought me my favorite cookies, and brought them over with a movie and a card. I was incredibly grateful towards her for it. Another friend like her, you won't find. Anyway, congrats to her and her husband! :D

Oh, and while I'm in a celebrating mood... LIVERPOOL WON! Oh, Fernando Torres, you are a BEAUTIFUL man! lol. I think I screamed REALLY loudly when he scored the winning goal. Haha. Though I don't mention my love of Liverpool F.C. as much as I did when I first started my blog, it doesn't mean I still don't love them. :D And on that happy note, I will conclude my post. :D I am going to chat with my little sister Delaney for a little while. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

P.S. Yes, that was me Rebecca was talking about in her blog. I am hopeless when it comes to shopping for dresses. Haha! :D

Updated Blog Layout

I took some things off the layout (like Twitter) and added a slideshow and list of names my patron and favorite saints appear in. I think the slideshow looks kind of neat. :D I realized when I was about to add St. Maria Goretti as a new patron saint (I feel a strong bond with her) that just listing all the saints I love would take up all the right side panel. So, a slideshow was in order. :D That way I don't have to compromise who I do and don't feature. :D I also moved some things around. It was about time. :D

Oh, and if you missed a post which is no longer up -- I will never seriously talk about my relationships on this blog. Who I give my heart to remains a mystery to even my closest friends (only my sister and mother know what's going on at all times). If you see me write something about a "hunky Danish boyfriend" followed by a little side note to a friend, it's an inside joke. The only times I will mention anything in this part of my life will be when I get (seriously) engaged and/or married. Otherwise, anything I may mention is strictly dreams I've had or inside jokes with friends who read the blog.

Alright, well, I'm still feeling a bit sick (I've had a stomach bug for a few days now and it's getting worse every day, boo!) so I'm gonna go rest. Thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Roadtrips, Relationships, Tests, and Prayers Everywhere.

I FINALLY have a bit of time to write a blog. I told y'all I would be super busy the entire week. Where to start?

Well, I was able to make it through my latest road trip, in 90+ degree weather, in a car with NO AIR CONDITIONING *whimpers* without a single panic attack. OH YEAH! *dances around* It was amazing. The freeways were ridiculously crowded in Orange County (moreso than in Los Angeles, if that's possible) and we were bumper and bumper pretty much all the way back home. Not only that, we got lost a minimum of 6 - 7 times because we were given crummy directions and got lost for a great while. 14 hours, countless road turns, one big accident that forced all the cars to get off the freeway, several hours outside in the heat, and a total of 5 hours of sleep... until I was able to get home and jump on my bed. lol. I literally ran to my bed, jumped on it and yelled "I love you"... I was SO tired but incredibly happy that I'd survived in one piece. It totally helped that my sis called and entertained me during the last miles between the OC and and first couple of L.A. county lines. I hope that the next road trip is as successful (in the panic attack area) but with less traffic and less getting lost. lol.

So, a few days ago I started writing this blog about relationship and all these things because of the purity ring (it's NOT an engagement ring) that my sis gave me for my birthday. (It made me get all philosophical). Well, I decided not to post it because I remembered that I do have reader under about 16 and I didn't want to be as blunt as I would've with the older readers. So, to put all that I wanted to say in a rated G nutshell... I don't understand why we women are expected to act and dress provocatively nor why, once we reach a certain age, romantic relationships and marriage are pressured onto us. It's just dumb. I really hope that less and less girls listen to what society expects from us because society is one messed up deal. Priorities are not where they should be. I read a list on the Roman Catholic (Global) group and I wanted to share this with any young girls and women reading my blog (and I know a few that do). I truly hope women listen to those words that were written by Kristen Wellman. She's a smart woman and I completely agree with everything that was written. Please go click on this link to read it for yourselves. :D Moving away from this topic (which I hope to someday write in detail about)...

I am going to spend the next 2 weeks really studying and brushing up on some things I will need to refresh my brain on for upcoming exams. Since I didn't decide until last week (really... I'm the most indecisive person you'll ever meet) what school I was going to be attending, I didn't know whether or not I would be tested on certain subjects. Well, I am. I know I won't be tested in English since I've already passed the English 101s and have taken English Lit but I will be tested on Math as well as a Foreign Language of my choice. I could easily go down the "I'll test for Spanish" since I speak, read and write it fluently. That's the easy path to take. I could brush up on the very little French I know and take a French test. I could also pick a completely different language I don't know and try my best to learn at least the simplest things I can and hope it'll help me not be put into the lowest remedial class possible. lol. I was thinking about taking Danish at a nearby language institute in honor of my awesome boyfriend who's from Denmark (Hey Sabrina... she shoots, she scores! HAHAHA!) but I'm told it's a really hard language to learn so maybe I'll just stick to French. Either way, I will be a mean, lean, studying machine for the rest of this month and early into next month. I will be taking two off days before and after my birthday because, who wants to study on their birthday? Not me! lol. Fingers crossed that I do well.

Another thing I have my fingers crossed on... that my missing Mass today isn't a mortal sin, and that it's (at most) venial. See, I woke up on time to go to the early English Mass but I'd been sick (stomach problems) all night and morning long and I honestly wouldn't have made it through the entire thing. That with the added sleepiness I had (haven't slept enough hours for about 2 weeks now)... I didn't even make it through the Pope Benedict XVI's live Mass in Genoa (Italy) that I was watching on EWTN! (quick note: I will hopefully write about all the Pope dreams I've had in the next blog). I ended up falling asleep for another hour or two. I did, however, do the sign of the cross when I woke up and heard the Pope had finished Mass, and then heard another priest bless the viewers. lol. I only seem to wake up when that happens and I do it without thinking. I LOVE doing that. It's such an awesome habit I've gotten. By that time, it was really hot (it was probably over 100 degrees Fahrenheit today) and I knew dad would've have taken me to Mass anymore. Also, I was still very nauseous so I probably wouldn't have made it through the next English Mass. :( See, normally I would tell my dad to at least drop me off at Mass but I know the hot weather really wreaks havoc on him, physically, and since he doesn't go inside the Church (no matter what I say), I know he wouldn't have made it through the entire hour of Mass in the heat. He's been pretty sick because of the heat and I didn't want to add to it. I really hope my missing Mass isn't a mortal sin. Either way, I'll no doubt try to go to my parish as soon as I can to talk to a priest about that. Have a mini confession. I tell ya, I won't make it through next Saturday with a potential mortal sin hanging over my head. Oh, and I stupidly said the Lord's name in vain (again, unintentionally) when Beckham was tackled really nasty during the L.A. Galaxy v Dallas game today. I honestly thought Becks was going to be injured. Thank goodness he wasn't.

OH! Something that I'm VERY happy about... well, two things... I was able to pray the Rosary in front of many people (I do it in hopes that others will as well) when waiting to see the doctor on Friday AND I gave a prayer card to someone who really needed on a different day. See, I said the Rosary because I wasn't feeling too well, and was feeling kind of antsy. It's something I do. After I was done, I walked around with the rosary still in my hand... and I LOVED it. I love holding it. :D

About a week or two ago, I heard from my mom that a coworker of hers was having problems with her husband who tried to commit suicide for the second time. He suffers from depression among other things. I immediately said I wanted to give my mom the extra St. Dymphna so that she could pass it to her coworker's husband. I kept forgetting until one day, last week, when I knew I'd be able to give it to my mom so she could pass it along. Well, I ended up giving the prayer card to the man himself! I went to the hospital and personally gave it to him. I was overjoyed that as soon as I gave it to him, he prayed it and thanked me for it. I heard he hadn't been up to talking to anyone for days so I felt blessed being able to not only give him the prayer card, but be well received by him. Mom and I told him to pray to St. Dymphna, for her intercession, and that she'd help him. She (St. Dymphna) has helped me through some doozies when my anxiety's been amped up, and since she covers all mental and nervous illnesses, I know she'll help him! I haven't seen him since but my mom's seen him and she says he keeps it by his bedside and that he reads it every day, twice a day. It makes me VERY happy to hear that. In fact, I almost cried when I heard that he'd been grateful that I'd personally gone to give him the prayer card. He's actually touched that I would do that... especially since I'm a stranger to him. What he doesn't know is that it's by absolute pleasure to do it! I feel obligated to do it, but obligated in a good way. I would honestly do it for anyone who I heard was in a similar situation, stranger or friend. I don't say this to brag, like "Ooh, look at me... I'm SUCH a good person." Not at all. I write it because I want people to know that it is possible to do something for someone you don't know and have it mean something to them. I think people underestimate that the "littlest" things they do, including praying for a person, is amazing. And I don't even think about how it makes ME feel... the fact that it's given him hope is all that matters. I honestly don't care about personal profit (even if it's just emotional satisfaction) as long as it makes a difference in someone else's life. And isn't that basically what we should be doing? I don't know... maybe it's because I've always been this way (friends say I'm very motherly) but I feel like we all have to help those who aren't as well off as we are. Oh boy, that sounded very preachy and kind of conceited. lol. That was honestly not my intention. I'll shut up on the topic now!

Alright, well, I have a LONG day ahead of me again tomorrow *groan* and a ton of lost sleep to catch up on so I should end this blog. Oh... but before I do, can we give the Galaxy a round of applause for beating Dallas at their (Dallas') home stadium for the first time in 4 years?! *claps* 5-1, baby! I'm so proud of my Galaxy men! Okay, well, now... as always, thanks for reading and God Bless. ;D
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Pope Benedict XVI, Religious Sister or Mother?, Relationships, and Roadtrip - Part Deux.

First off, SO sorry I haven't blogged as often -- once again. I've been so busy with multiple things, I lose track of time very easily. I will try my hardest to update more frequently, especially now that I'm seriously going to buckle down and work hard on finishing my novel.

Pope Benedict XVI was here all of last week. Sadly, I once got to watch a clip from when he arrived and nothing more during the week. I was, however, lucky enough to watch the Mass he did at Yankee Stadium live thanks to EWTN. I will admit that I shed many tears (happy tears) during the Mass. I loved that a Mexican man (reporters could tell by the accent/dialect) yelled "Viva el Papa!" (which means "long live the Pope" in Spanish) and everyone yelled "Viva!" The expression of Pope Benedict's face was priceless. He was very surprised and you could tell he felt the love of the crowd. When he spoke out about protecting babies -- those not yet born and those born -- the crowd yelled very loudly, as did I from my bedroom. lol. He also encouraging young people to consider religious vocations. It definitely made me think and seriously consider it. One of the things that personally touched me the most was when he spoke in Spanish and gave us Hispanics and Latin people blessings. (side note: He spoke to President Bush about stopping all the discrimination against immigrants, which pretty much won all the hearts of us living in the U.S. -- born here, like myself, and those who come here for a better life). After all said and done... WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MASS!!! Everything that was said and done was just beautiful. Someone who actually attended said the experience was indescribable. I bet! I also got to see when Pope Benedict went to Ground Zero for a prayer to meet survivors and family of victims. It was heartbreaking, especially to see an officer (or perhaps he was a fireman), who met the Pope, with a limp because I believe he has a prosthetic leg. At the same time, it was full of hope because, while it is unbelievable terrifying what happened at 9/11 (and I still remember where I was and how I felt when I found out what had happened that morning), there is still hope that human beings will learn from these terrible events and try to prevent it from happening anywhere. I also cried when I watched Pope Benedict leave back to Rome from JFK. Thank goodness EWTN was broadcasting all of it live because it made me feel like I was there. I'm so sad that our beloved Papa has left, and I really felt like I was saying goodbye to a dear friend when I saw him board the plane, but my heart is filled with hope, joy and love because he was here and he was simply amazing and inspiring. I hope to get to see him in person some day -- even if it means that I have to go to the Vatican and stand out when he greets people from his window. I loved our Papa before but this visit just increased the love and admiration I have for him and my faith. :)

One thing that I've already mentioned, his homily really made me think... especially about considering becoming a religious Sister. I've done a lot of soul searching lately and I'm honestly torn between getting married and becoming a sister. I don't think I have what it takes to be a nun, especially a cloistered nun, but I would love to be a Sister and teach Religious Studies if that's what God has in-store for me. I would also LOVE to be a wife and mother and bring at least one child into this world. I think that there is nothing more beautiful, and more joyous, than being a mother. The Blessed Virgin Mary has definitely been present in my life recently -- popping into my mind at random times and also praying for her intercession -- and she's really made me want to become a mother. That's a big surprise to friends who've known me for years because I used to say that I didn't want children and that childbirth was the scariest thing I could think of. It's a complete 180 from how I was before. :D It just goes to show how much a person can change in a matter of months.

I usually don't mention my personal life but for the purposes of this post I will mention a bit. This morning I was watching the European Journal on KOCE (PBS station) and they said that 70% of women living in Spain get physically beaten by their husbands and boyfriends. That is SHOCKING!!! I mean, I understand that there's a machismo image that Hispanic men have but I had no idea there was that much violence. I'm disgusted by it -- especially because I'm of Spanish heritage. I've been lucky enough to not experience that but I am sadden for those Spanish women, and women world wide, who have. It makes me want to do something about it -- to protect these women and their children. My heart goes out to them.

On a more positive side of relationships: Lately I've really grown from experiences regarding love and relationships. Since my novel is based on real life experiences, I've been revisiting some old memories -- many of which have been about a very special guy in my life. He gave me a reason to smile when I first got sick and he still makes me smile because he's a big dork. lol. Just like he did then, he's been giving me hope that I will get better and beat what I'm going through -- and he doesn't even know because I refuse to ever let him know that. Haha. One of the biggest things he's given me hope for -- I've started to believe that I will find the person I've meant to be with, if that's in God's plans for me. Just the fact that I have someone like him to unintentionally inspire me to not give up on so many things, including love, is amazing. I really hope that everyone has someone like that in their life... just make sure that they never take you up the roof, while you're in heels, at night just to slow dance with you -- especially if you're afraid of heights. It's romantic and psychotic at the same time. Haha. Yeah... that's a GREAT image that's completely stuck in my head. You'll read about it in my novel. lol.

So, besides all of that, I went on a little roadtrip yesterday -- which was the roadtrip from the place down under (and I don't mean Australia). It was absolutely horrible and I'm so stressed out from it. I seriously just want to sleep and listen to music for days. lol. I am ignoring any and all emails and messages that will stress me out (which I've already received, ugh) because I just spent a really long time with screaming children (which I didn't really mind because the little baby was sick and there was nothing that could make him feel better) and just chaos. To top it off, an own goal at Anfield (Liverpool FC's stadium) has made it difficult for them to go onto the semi-finals. Well, I still have hope. :D Yesterday was the WORST day, I've had in quite some time. But, as I've said, all I need is sleep and relaxation, which I will get during our movie marathon tonight! YAY! lol. Oh and I should note that two of my older brothers stopped by for a few minutes last night which was a happier ending to my horrific day. :D

Alright, well, I have to go get ready for when my dad comes home -- which he just did the second I started writing this. Haha. WEIRD! Now that he's home, I have to make sure he's alright because he's in his last 2 weeks of chemo and the side effects have gotten worse lately. Hopefully more entries will be written before the end of the week. I will definitely try. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. Don't forget to watch the Dove Awards on GMC (Gospel Music Channel) tonight!!! :D.
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Re-evaluating Everything.

It's a bit frustrating to have all my plans up in the air. I had good plans a few weeks ago, then came exciting new plans. Those new plans brought out a side of me I never thought I'd see and it made me very uncomfortable. In the end, I don't know what I am going to do after all. As posted in the previous post, I was so excited about these new plans that had re-surfaced. I had it all planned out. I had a clear vision of it in my mind and I had started to do the research. I also noticed that as soon as I had accepted the newer plans, I had started to not care about certain (important!) things anymore. Worst of all, I started getting thoughts where I started questioning certain things I believed in. Once I realized that, I was thrown into a tailspin. I've been working really hard to get rid of the liberal side of myself (which has been hard as I've grown up surrounded by extremely liberal people) and this new thing had started pulling me back into that state of mind. It's incredibly stressful. On the one hand, I know I am capable of doing the project without compromising my beliefs and actually turning it into something positive. On the other hand, my biggest worry is that I'll be way too weak to actually pull it off and that I'll also do something I will later regret.

Of course, there's more to it. There were a lot of issues that were going to be a problem (which is what I was researching). Differences were going to make things a lot harder. Everything from dating issues (such as premarital sex -- being Catholic and being opposed to it while dating an Agnostic who puts a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect of the relationship) to political/social issues (one person being moderate when it comes to a lot of issues, the other being extremely liberal)... all of that makes life difficult. I was sincerely up for the challenge until I saw that it was going to pull me away from the Church. It might have been little things but even doubting those tiny things makes me extremely nervous.

If this makes no sense, I sincerely apologize. I was talking about working on a screenplay, but the thought of getting into the business and working with people who will try to change me just isn't my cup of tea. I've known (through school and friendships) people who do it for a living and I have absolutely no desire to go through what they do. So, I've axed those "dreams" and will continue writing my novel, as planned.

I had a very strange dream last night where I was asking for the Virgin Mary's help because I'd literally become someone who I didn't recognize. I looked in the mirror and noticed I was, physically, a different person. I remember that once I started praying and kept saying "Hail Mary" over and over, I slowly began looking like myself again. I actually saw myself physically transform back to what I actually look like. Then my father said something about my grandmother and praying for her because she was about to die (in real life, she passed away 3 years ago this March). He also mentioned praying to the Virgin Mary and praying 3 Hail Marys. When I woke up, I felt like I did before all these doubting thoughts came into my mind. I asked God for a sign last night (after this rather... odd... incident I had when I was by myself) as to what to do. After the incident and the dream, I know exactly what I will be doing during Lent (I was still going back and forth between giving up football matches and the internet). So, for Lent, I will be dedicating myself to praying more than I ever have and hopefully I'll get an answer as to what exactly I'm supposed to do with everything that's going on. Not just with the project but with almost everything in my life because everything is in question at the moment.

Alright, well, I am exhausted for some reason (I feel like I haven't slept even though I have) so I will go take a nap and then get back to answer e-mails and comments on facebook. I originally had a post about football (and footballers) planned but it can wait until tomorrow. Liverpool's playing so it'll give me more to write about... especially if they don't screw it up again. lol. Bring on international break!

Anyhoo, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D