The Coronavirus Pandemic from the POV of a Chronically Ill Catholic

I just got off the phone with my doctor. She told me to ask friends to get the medication she ordered for me (and, eventually, food) because I need to stay at home during this time.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

I would be lying if I said I didn't experience at least one minor anxiety attack per day when (I'm sure) well-meaning people trying to "prepare" me with stats and facts go overboard.

I would be lying if I said that I don't cry every day from feeling overwhelmed by everything going on. Putting aside my own selfish fears for myself, as an HSP, I easily absorb the feelings of those around me so I feel it all.

The CDC released a list of 10 medical conditions that are most at risk for "severe coronavirus illness". On that was list was blood disorders... which I have.

I've suffered from chronic thrombocytopenia (low platelets) for over 12 years now. I've had chronic anemia (on and off) for the past 5-6 years. I also occasionally have pancytopenia, meaning that my platelets, red and white blood counts are all under normal count from time to time.

I also have additional factors that put me at risk -- a liver issue they're still trying to figure out, malnutrition from the multiple food allergies that have severely restricted my diet (I can only have 4-5 foods... period), and I'm underweight from the restricted diet and recently emotional toll of family and relationship problems I faced. They're also trying to figure out which autoimmune disease may be causing my bilateral optic nerve edemas as well as my other health problems. Right now, the two that are most likely are MCAS or Sjogren's Syndrome.

My mother, who is 65, works in a convalescent hospital where about 99% of the patients are over 75 years old. She has her own medical issues that put her at risk. With the news and everyone talking about the coronavirus 24/7, is it any wonder we're both stressed out?

That's part of the reason why I decided to take a break from Twitter. Yes, the other part was because people were being rude. I've received threats. I've been stalked. I've been made to feel like I'm absolute trash unworthy to call myself a Catholic or even a decent human being. I've had people twist my words and/or imply that I was an idiot because I've asked for prayers when I've faced difficult situations.

Some people act like they know my body and my medical history better than I do, scaring me by telling me my heartburn (which I've dealt with since my teens) is really a symptom of a heart attack and that I'm a complete idiot for not going to the ER because they are a doctor/EMT/nurse and they know better than I, a simpleton, do. Yes, please, advise me to go to the ER for a bad GERD/heartburn flare-up almost identical to all the those I've experienced before... during a time where it could be potentially dangerous for me to contract something more severe. And, for the record, yes, I just spoke to my doctor about how bad the heartburn got and she advised me to take medication, go on a bland diet, and drink a lot of water for it. But, please, continue telling me I'm an idiot for not going to the ER.

All of these things, plus news of the pandemic, have been taxing on my mental health... which exacerbates the physical symptoms, acid reflux included. It's a never-ending cycle, y'all.

Crying is how I release the tension when I feel overwhelmed. Crying... and prayer.

Prayer hasn't been easy for me these days. My mind wanders easily; jumps straight into all the fears for my health and those of my loved ones (mother, brother, friends, etc.) I can't concentrate. I occasionally have to force myself to go through my daily prayer routine but I get it done. This is what the devil wants. He wants us to focus on ourselves and our fears (he loves when we live in fear) and turn our back on God during these difficult moments. While it's hard, given our fallen human nature, to not think about our fears and ourselves, we must try.

I was blessed to have prayed the Rosary with two of my good friends via FaceTime audio earlier today. It was one of the handfuls of times this week I was able to concentrate a bit better while praying. I hope to continue being able to pray with them (and other friends) while we're on lockdown because it does help. I'm stuck at home all day and since my mom works 5 days a week, I'm often by myself. I know I'm an introvert but science has proven that we do need a little bit of human interaction now and then, especially those of us who are sick.

I agree that it's been awful to have public Masses canceled but I understand why the decision was made. Trust me, I have prayed for months to be able to attend daily Mass... and I was finally getting that desire fulfilled. I went from attending daily Mass to having to stay home because of the risks, something I struggled with obeying. My initial reaction was "flip that table! I'm going to Mass, virus or no virus!" In fact, when I went to my last Mass a week ago, I went knowing I was risking it... and I spent the entire Mass with palpitations. After that impulse calmed down and I really thought about how God would want me to take care of the body He gave me -- and knowing that I was dispensed from the obligation of attending Mass -- I made the decision to obey. Obedience is a pillar in the Benedictine spirituality and one that has been hard for me to cultivate as a very stubborn and independent person. I keep trying to remember that those who are spiritually more mature and have more medical knowledge than I do have placed these rules for a reason so I will humbly submit to them.

Thankfully, I've always known of additional resources for when I'm stuck at home -- I've even written two articles on it for EpicPew (4 Ways to Experience the Mass Even If You're Stuck at Home and Discover These Underutilized Catholic Websites And Resources!). I can watch Mass, even do holy hours, via online websites. Does that mean it's an easy transition for me? No! It's still difficult for me to be away from my parish and the Sacraments. Do you think I want to be away from my Beloved, in the tabernacle or the adoration chapel, just when I've realized that I want nothing more than to be His future bride as a consecrated virgin? No! It's especially painful for me right now; right when I've finally figured out what my true vocation is. Still, I obey... and I remind myself that He is with me, even when I'm at home.

Oh, and for those who may be new to the blog... this isn't the first time I've been without the Sacraments for a long period of time. I've gone several months without the Eucharist before (when I was put on a gluten-free diet and before I was able to receive low-gluten hosts) so this isn't new territory for me... but it's somehow now harder than ever because of where I am in my spiritual life and vocation discernment.

Instead of dumping on poor Archbishop Gomez like so many other people are doing, I'm going to personally thank him. As a chronically ill Catholic, I know what it feels like to be thought of as a burden to others -- to those who are healthy and are "punished" because some of us are physically weaker than them. I understand the frustration of those who want to be able to attend Mass and receive the Sacraments but can't because "weaklings" like me could be exposed to something, if not directly than through contact with someone in our family who is healthy and attended Mass but was possibly infected by someone else who is in a low-risk group. Yes, we need Christ and the Sacraments now more than ever, but he made an extremely difficult decision because he, as the spiritual father of the Los Angeles Archdiocese, wanted to err on the side of caution. It's called prudence and it's a virtue, y'all. And, who says God isn't with us in our homes and wherever we are at all times?

Do you think it was a decision Archbishop Gomez (and, likewise, other spiritual leaders across the States and worldwide) made lightly? No. I've heard from several sources that those closest to our Archbishop say it was a difficult decision for him to make; one that weighed heavily on him. He cares about us and our well being, no matter what some people say. I don't even want to hear from those of you who are calling him a coward or saying that he cares more about our bodies than our souls. Now is not the time to be uncharitable. Now is the time to get together and pray for our priests who are at the front of the line. They are the ones who, along with those in the medical fields, will be dealing with folks severely infected with the virus. They will be administering the anointing of the sick and/or last rites. They are the ones who will risk their own safety and health for others.

Need I remind y'all that receiving the Eucharist frequently is a luxury we've all gotten used to.. and often take for granted? I've read that St. Therese only received it once a month. Those who live in rural areas who share a priest with multiple other communities don't have that same luxury we do. We have spiritual communion we can do that is completely valid; something we can do multiple times per day from what I've learned.

We have the gift of technology that allows us to watch Mass being celebrated. We can get together with others at a distance to pray together; to bring comfort to one another during these trials through a variety of different platforms. I even had the opportunity to receive impromptu spiritual direction via FaceTime because I was unable to leave the house at the last minute yesterday (guess whose car broke down... again). We have so many resources at our disposals and we have so many opportunities to use social media and the internet to spread the Good News and bring God to others, yet we're using it to tear one another apart; to bring negativity and division instead of unity.

I know that my saying all of this will fall on deaf ears to some but I hope others will try to see things from the POV of someone like me.

I don't want to see negativity on my social media timelines, it doesn't do me any good -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or even physically (since my emotional health tends to be closely tied to my physical wellbeing).

I don't want people attacking anyone else, whether they're personally attacking me or someone else whose views differ from theirs.

I want us to unite, as the body of Christ, and pray for one another. Not just for those of us a risk but everyone else. Odds are you know someone -- a family member, a friend, a coworker, an acquaintance, your own parish priest -- who is at risk. Pray for them.

Pray for those in the medical field. Doctors, specialists, nurses, EMTs, even the staff at clinics and hospitals. They are at the front of the line... and then go home to their families who are also put at risk.

Pray for priests, even the young and healthy ones, who will witness so much suffering -- even if that suffering is in the form of devout parishioners begging them to do "underground" Masses because they're so desperate to receive the Eucharist.

Pray for those who have been infected, whether they're in recovery or are still suffering. Pray for their loved ones who hurt seeing them suffer.

Pray for the souls of those who've lost their lives due to this virus as well as their families and friends who are grieving.

Pray for those who are poor in spirit; those who reject God and those who don't know Him out of ignorance.

If you're a fellow chronic illness sufferer, may I suggest offering up our aches and pains -- physical, emotional, and mental -- for others? We have such a gift to give by uniting our suffering with that of Christ on the Cross. As Pope St. John Paul II reminded us in Salvific Doloris, we can offer up our suffering for the good of others. Think about it, Jesus was surrounded by those who were suffering before He Himself suffered the agony on the Cross. He knows what we're going through... and knew pain and agony far worse than we will experience. The graces He will pour out into the world will be greater and sweeter because He knows how much pain we're in and how much courage it takes to endure the pain for the sake of others.

Anyway, I just wanted to put my two cents in because I haven't seen anyone else share anything close to this on social media. Granted, I'm not on Twitter right now (well, not a public account) but I'm sure something would've eventually trickled in through friends.

I hope you're all trying to stay as calm as possible during this time. I know it's much easier said than done. However, I also think that we can grow by leaps and bounds during this time. God wanted us to be alive at this point in time for a reason. God will undoubtedly help us learn how to better achieve sainthood through these difficult circumstances, we just need to be open to it.

Please remember His commandments: Love Him first and foremost and love thy neighbor as thyself. Praise Him even when things seem to have hit rock bottom (a la Job) and be charitable towards one another.

Alright, getting off my soapbox now. I hope you're all doing well (all things considering).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

My Lenten Plans: The "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020," Silence, and Self-Care

For weeks, I've been thinking about what I was going to give up or add for Lent. There were so many options because there's so much I need to work on. After taking everything into consideration I decided to do three big things: "the great entertainment purge of 2020" (and, yes, it's as crazy as it sounds), embracing silence, and focusing on self-care -- all of which I'm horrible at but desperately need.

After listening to this inspiring sermon on the 7-Week Challenge to Conquer Technological Idolatry on the Sensus Fidelium YouTube channel last week, I decided to take up this challenge and thus my first big penance/goal was born. After reading Pope Pius XI's Papal Encyclical on Motion Pictures (Vigilanti Cura) -- which was mentioned in the sermon -- I decided to give up the majority of entertainment for Lent. As someone who turns to distractions such as social media, movies, and TV shows when anxiety, boredom, or illness strike, this is going to be hard for me.

I know I will get criticism for "going to the extreme" but I've decided to extend this beyond Lent. In  fact, during this Lenten season, I'm going to do what I'm dubbing to be the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020." All movies, TV shows, music, and books that are problematic (for me) and will cause my mind to wander to dangerous territory is getting thrown out. No, not donated. Thrown out. That means I will be throwing away hundreds of dollars worth of material but I don't care. I cannot, in good conscience, keep these things around. And, it's not going to be easy.

One of my favorite (if not my favorite) Gene Kelly musicals, On the Town, will be the first to go. Why? Have any of you watched it? It's lovely with the dancing and the singing... but there's so much alluded to and implied that is, well, unchaste. Yes, go ahead. Judge me. Call me a prude. Tell me that I'm being too scrupulous and/or unrealistic for wanting to give up all forms of entertainment that contain these things but I just can't keep them.

When I decided to get serious about discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity, I also decided to be even more mindful of what things I consumed. When I really stopped to take inventory of the type of music I listened to (and really listen to the lyrics), what movies and TV shows I watched, and what books I read, I could see where I wasn't being as careful as I probably should have. And, again, yes, you can call me scrupulous but it just doesn't sit well with me.

I've been examining my conscience and my heart for some time now and I've come to realize that, because of my wildly active imagination, I can very easily fall into the temptation to have unchaste thoughts due to the media I consume. I've gotten better at it but it's still a struggle for me. I know how my mind works; I know how easily my mind jumps from one thing to another and stays on that thing until it's distracted by something else. I know how these things linger in my mind or will come up again, even years later. I don't want that. I want a clean heart and mind. I can't achieve that if I'm constantly remembering things that dirtied up my mind; things that I shouldn't have seen/read/heard in the first place. That is why I'm doing it.

Of course, this goes with my second (of three) big Lenten plans: embracing silence. These last 3 weeks since I returned to social media post-digital detox month have shown me how much I miss that silence I felt during that month. I also cut my entertainment consumption during that time and I saw the fruits it bore. It put me in the right state of mind to begin doing good research of my vocation discernment and to find that peace I was looking for. Taking my beloved Monks of Norcia (my spiritual family/home) as inspiration, I decided not to speak (or write... or tweet.... or text...) if it's either not necessary or doesn't help or edify anyone.

We're so afraid to be silent and alone with our thoughts but it's in that silence that we can hear God speaking to us. The Monks of Norcia started using sign language to limit verbal communication and only to communicate the important things and I think that's beautiful. I want (and, I'll be honest, crave) that silence now more than ever. Not only for my discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity but also in other important things I need to do, such as consider a change in career and in my attempts to really do what I can to get myself healthy.

I've read enough research and studies that all state that silence (read: lack of constant stimulus) and rest can have great health benefits, especially for someone who is chronically ill and/or in recovery mode. Since my current recovery process is still in its early stages and it's going by much, much slower than after previous relapses, I decided that my third Lenten penance/goal is to focus on self-care. And, as if I needed another "sign" that this was what I needed to do, this excellent article on what to give up for Lent (based on your temperament) by my fellow epicPew writer, Chloe Langr, really inspired me to go for it.

As a melancholic-phlegmatic (I'm apparently no longer a phlegmatic-sanguine), the article suggested I prioritize self-care and practice saying "no" and creating healthy boundaries (for melancholics) and give up pushing the snooze button (as a phlegmatic; I'm totally guilty of doing this several times each morning). That shouldn't seem like a big deal but those who know me know how hard it will be for me to go through with these things. I tend to sacrifice sleeping, eating, resting, etc. for others. If someone asks me to do something, I won't rest until it's done. It's that people-pleasing habit that hasn't fully gone away. The only time that I allow myself to take care of myself is when I'm so sick that I cannot do a good job at what's needed... and even then, I feel super guilty for not doing it. As the article correctly states, I have a hard time saying "no" and I need to. As I said earlier, my recovery this time around is worryingly slow than usual so I need to really take care of myself. How can I be of service to others if I can't even function?

Self-care is going to mean going to bed at an earlier time so I can get plenty of rest and not have the temptation to hit the snooze button in the morning. It also mean really pushing forward with the reintroduction of new foods into my diet (we've added 3 new things since the last time I mentioned it but I have to eat them sparingly as too much and/or too often makes me feel sick), drinking 8 cups of water instead of my usual 6, and not pushing my mind or my body to do more when I feel tired. It means no taking on any more commitments than I already have.

Of course, all of these things are going to be tied into one big thing that I'm adding: more time in prayer and more time with God.

I already mentioned the benefit of the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020". Yes, I will be using that as a hashtag on social media during Lent.

When I need to be distracted? More prayer time or reading a spiritually-fulfilling book. If I get bored, I'm going to allow myself to be bored. Radical idea, I know. lol. I don't remember what article it was, but I read that getting 2 hours of silence per day and not having any additional stimulus is good for your health. It'll also be an excellent time to talk to God about what is on my heart and mind.

Motivation to go to bed earlier and not hit the snooze button? Early morning daily Mass. I'll go each morning that I'm feeling physically well enough to attend in person and I'll watch it live when I'm homebound. That and every chance I can take to go to Adoration, I'm taking. Again, I don't know how often this will happen with my chronic fatigue and my lack of car (though this should soon be fixed!) but it's a great motivator!

Motivation to practice self-care; to drink and eat better? My Oblate retreat in a couple of months. I want to get healthy enough to go to the retreat and be able to attend all the Masses, prayer times in the chapel (read: Divine Office hours), and talks without worrying about my health being a factor. Also, since I will be traveling for the retreat, I'm going to have to get used to an earlier bedtime and wake-up time since it'll be in a different time zone.

And, those, ladies and gentlemen, are my big Lenten plans. If you're wondering where social media fits into it -- I'll still be active but I'll have restricted hours. I set up my Freedom app (yes, that's an affiliate link) to block out all social media, news, and entertainment content from 4 a.m. - 5 p.m. during the week and 4 a.m. to 2 p.m. on weekends months ago but I may add another 2-4 hours to those schedules during Lent. I don't *need* to be on social media for that long; it'll defeat the whole purpose of being silent and only communicating good things. When I need to post links, I'll keep using HootSuite. I'll reply to messages on social media, but only in the evenings and nights. I'm limiting my time for both my own sanity and as penance.

So, those are my Lenten plans. What are yours? I can't wait to see what y'all have come up with!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat and drink something because I haven't had much of either all day and it's a quarter 'til 4 p.m. Oops. Did I mention I'm terrible at self-care? Yeeeah. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

So Long (For Now), Twitter...

I was back on Twitter for only a week but it was enough for me to know that I had to cut it out of my life again... and for a longer period of time than a single month. I had actually begun contemplating another break -- one during Lent -- a few days ago. However, after being reminded of how negative and rude people are on the site, I knew my days were numbers as of tonight.

You can call me thin-skinned... sensitive... whatever you want. That's fine. I am sensitive, especially to others' words. I don't think people understand just how much power words carry; how it can be sharper and more damaging than a sword. I believe in using words to build others up instead of tearing them down. I also believe in being open and honest, especially since you never know when someone is silently going through something similar and may need to hear/read your words to know they're not alone. That's just how I am. However, I was just reminded of just easy it is for people to take your good intentions and twist them into something ugly. That's part of the reason why I decided to step away from Twitter.

You know what the funny thing is? I can handle words in person better than I do online. I have no idea why that is; perhaps because I can see the facial expressions and hear the tone in voices of people who say what they say. Perhaps putting a face to the words helps remind me of the human nature and of how people sometimes have bad days or are going through struggles. That's a downside to the online world; it's all depersonalized and that somehow makes it harder for me to remember these things.

The other reason for my leaving is one that I've already spoken about; the issue of humility and the temptation to spend too much time on it. One week was enough for me to see that I can't handle Twitter in a healthy manner. I can't do moderation with it. Seeing those likes and comments is an ego-boost that I can do without. If I could delete the account, I would. For work reasons, I cannot so it'll remain up until I no longer need it for work.

I'm beyond grateful for the wonderful friends I've met through it in the past 12 years I've been on it. Yes, 12 years! Thanks to it I found my "Holy Women Squad" as we've been nicknamed (a name I borrowed from a friend; I didn't come up with it myself). Thanks to it, I've learned so many things. I've found support and encouragement during difficult times. I'm so grateful for all the good that Twitter has to offer... but I honestly cannot deal with it right now. I now understand why a Carmelite friar friend was banned from social media for the first year (or two, I forget the length) of his novitiate. I now understand why some of the friends I look to for inspiration on how to live 

I'm not saying "goodbye" to all social media. I can handle Instagram because of the few people I follow. I'm cutting back on Facebook a bit but that's only because I don't use it much to begin with. Those are the only two other social media platforms I use so it'll be easier to manage.

I'll still post links and things to Twitter via Hootsuite. It won't be just of my own articles and IG posts but other things that I think others will enjoy... without dreading the little notifications bell being lit up. Of course, I'll be praying for everyone as well.

With it being Septuagesima Sunday, I think it's the perfect time to look at what brings me closer to God and what doesn't. Being on Twitter doesn't. It makes me angry. It makes me feel hurt. It brings out the worst in me. I don't want that for myself nor do I want anyone to experience that from me. So, this is a "so long (for now), Twitter." I don't know when I'll feel ready to return but it's clear that I came back way too soon.

To those who enriched my experience on it, thank you! To those who didn't, I forgive you. To those I've angered or hurt with my own words, even if done completely unintentionally, I ask for your forgiveness as well. I pray for you all, regardless of my interactions with you.

Anyway, just a little post for now.

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

The End of My Digital Detox: The Dread and Humility

Three days.

I'm three days away from the end of my self-imposed digital detox month and I'm utterly dreading it. I mean, technically, I can stay off social media indefinitely but I really can't due to work. I've already had work-related issues due to my inability to be active on social media. I promised one of my editors that I would return to social media after this weekend because of that problem. Insert sigh here.

Note to self: if God ever wants me to take up a different career path, ask that it's one where I don't need to use social media for said job. Yes, His will be done, not mine, but it can't hurt to ask nonetheless. More on this in a bit.

I'm not dreading returning to social media because of the content but because of two big reasons:

1) I know I'm still having trouble exercising moderation...

and

2) I need the disconnect for the sake of my humility.

The first is a fear of returning and not having the willpower to not get sucked into it again. Moderation is the next thing I'm tackling in my quest to become a better version of myself and my return to social media is going to seriously test that. I have been having issues moderating a lot of things in my life, including the good things. In a nutshell, I get so laser-focused on and into something that I have problems stopping to do something else. It can be reading a good book, listening to a podcast or audiobook, writing, etc. I never noticed what a big problem it was until I was forced to really look at myself and see where my weaknesses are.

Actually, no. I take that back. I noticed it just once before: when I get "in the zone" when working on my latest novel and I forget to eat or drink because I'm so focused on getting everything down before I forget the idea that's in my head. However, I thought it was just an issue when I worked on novels. It took this detox to see that, nope, it's something that is a reoccurring issue and one I need to address.

As a Benedictine Oblate novice, I know I need to work on moderation because that's what St. Benedict prescribes in the Holy Rule. That's why our motto is Ora et labora -- prayer and work. We can't just focus on a single thing. We need that balance. And one of the biggest things I need to work on is not to do too much. Even doing too much is frowned upon. I think most (non-religious) people today would think that St. Benedict's Rule is too soft or useless because he actually advises against the workaholic and busyness tendencies that are so prevalent in our society. If you're not constantly doing something, that judgment (whether real or imagine) is there. Instead, moderation is advised. Work, prayer, leisure, food, etc. should be done in moderation. It's wonderful advice and I highly recommend reading the Rule even if you're not attracted to the Benedictine spirituality.

So, yes, I'm dreading it because I know I'm still a weakling when it comes to moderation but there is an even greater dread: the lack of humility that may come with it.

See, being on social media contributes to one's egoism... or, at least, it does to me. Yes, words of affirmation is my second love language (after quality time) but sometimes the compliments are a little too, well, ego-inflating. To be completely honest, sometimes the compliments go to my head even when I don't want them to. I recognize that God has given me a gift for words but having too many compliments isn't healthy for me. That's why I think I've loved being away from social media. Nothing seeing how many "likes" a tweet or shared link gets -- and not knowing who has liked it or who hasn't bothered -- is amazingly freeing.

Furthermore, not being so hyper-connected helped me see just how few friends I actually have. There were probably only half a dozen people with whom I had regular contact with over this break. People who I thought would stay in touch -- people whose contact information I asked for and who I gave my information to -- have been absent these last 29 days. Do you know how humbling it is to realize how many people don't actually care about what's going on with you? It's fantastic! Yes, I truly mean that.

It's done me a world of good to see how completely and utterly unimportant I am. For all I know, only I will ever read this blog post... and that's okay. In fact, that takes a lot of pressure off of me because I don't feel like people expect me to write or be something that I'm not. It's also made me realize that what I truly want is to live my life in the way that I believe God wants for me and to not care about what others think.

As I've already mentioned in Ch-ch-changes: Reflections and Changes Following My Digital Detox Month, I'm changing the way I use social media for my own good. There are three big changes I'm implementing:

1. I will check social media only once a day, twice a week. I'm serious. I'll check in on Sundays and on Thursdays... and only for a total half hour each time. Trust me, I've come to see just how little I actually need social media. I'll most likely check at the end of the day, too.

2. I will only post as necessary; as I have been doing during the digital detox. Not only will I be cognizant of how often I post...

3. I'm also going to be more careful about what I communicate. Silence and only speaking when necessary are instructed in the Rule. As I had mentioned in the Ch-ch-changes post, my beloved Monks of Norcia have adopted this practice. I've seen the fruits of it, not just with the monks but also with the graces that have flowed out to us Oblates (and Oblate novices) as a result. I told y'all they were the perfect fit (read: spiritual community) for me.

I want to remind myself how little and unimportant I am to everyone else. I know that God loves and cares about me -- that I'm not unimportant to Him -- but that's not egotistic. His love isn't just for me. He doesn't love me more than anyone else. He loves everyone; desires the salvation of the souls of all humanity, even those who reject Him. Thinking about things this way is humbling, in a good way. I understand why so many young men and women enter monasteries and convents (or become hermits) where they desire to be forgotten by the world. To only think about serving others and doing your duties for God and out of the love you have for Him is the only way to live if you ask me. Alas, I'm sadly not called to religious life but, hey, consecrated virginity is still a possibility. Marriage and motherhood would also allow me to do this but I've honestly begun hoping that I'm called to consecrated virginity.

Earlier in the post, I mentioned something about a possible career change. Lately, I've been wondering if God is perhaps calling me to do something other than writing while still using the gift of words He gave me. There is one career that would allow me to do this; one which would allow me to help others in a way I can't with writing. No one but the people with whom I would directly work with would know about this, too. It would be a big change -- and I would need to get myself into more student-loan debt to achieve it -- so I'm going to spend a lot of time in prayer before I make a decision. It's not going to be a decision I make anytime soon. I want to give myself time to spend many Holy Hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament to pray about it and talk to God about it.

Yes, I would still write, even if it's just my blog, novels, and the odd article here and there. I don't think I could ever stop writing; it's in my very nature to always write, even if no one reads it. (side note: I love getting physical notebooks for a reason). The more I fall in love with Christ and the bigger the desire to die to myself, to serve others, and to be thoughts insignificant by the world, the more this route makes sense. But, as always, we'll see if it's God's will for me. Perhaps He wants me to keep writing or do something else. This is why I need the time to think and pray.

Anyway, just some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind. There is another post I'm really excited to post but I'm saving that for St. Agatha's feast day. You (if anyone else reads it, that is) will see why I waited until her feast day to share it.

That's it for now. I hope y'all have had a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

Ch-ch-changes: Reflections and Changes Following My Digital Detox Month

Yes, I know -- I still have a week to go before my digital detox month is up and I can return to social media. However, next week is looking like it's going to be a busy one so I decided to post this a week early since I don't think anything will change in the week that's left.

In a nutshell, this week has been one long reflection on my use of social media as well as the fate of this blog. No, I am not closing down this blog. I may one day, but I don't foresee it happening, despite the lack of readership since blogs are no longer "in." But it, along with my use of social media, will be seeing a big change overall. The reason for it? It goes back to my relationship with God and my life as a Benedictine Oblate novice.

Long story short, though I have not been able to get away from screens as much I would've liked (articles need to be written, prayer requests need to be sent, and urgent calls need to be made), I have found a good balance that will work best for me. That was the whole point of this digital detox month and one of the intentions in my novena to the Holy Family at the start of the year. I wanted to learn how to best utilize the internet for good, not just mindless entertainment or a way to waste time. In these last 3+ weeks since I began my digital detox, I've been able to do just that and, in a surprising twist, the events of Tuesday and the subsequent blog post were the turning point for me.

I won't reiterate what happened on Tuesday but I had a feeling it was a teaching moment for me. I wrote as much at the end of the post. What I noticed in the following days was that I ended up feeling, well, uncomfortable about what I wrote. It's all true; I despise lying. But I felt like it was time for me to rethink what I share after feeling like I shouldn't have shared as much as I did on the post. Yes, my health issues are a big part of my journey (they often shape the trajectory of my decisions and actions), but I made the decision to no longer share details or much on that front in general.

I'm going to go the "ninja" route I take for my personal life and not post about them unless it's a major breakthrough or component to my spiritual journey. I once shared so much because I would often get messages from people thanking me for being so open about the struggles. They wrote that it helped them feel like they weren't alone in their own health struggles. But, I no longer feel like I need to do that. In fact, it doesn't feel right.

Instead, I feel like God wants me to focus on the "right, good, and true" that I experience in my life as a Catholic young woman who discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity and on the brink of making her Final Act of Oblation as a Benedictine Oblate. So, that's what I'm going to do. Basically, I'm going to focus on writing about my spiritual journey. It echoes the decision I made when I opened my public Instagram account where I share faith-based pictures and reflections. Trust me, there is a lot that I can write about just on my discernment of consecrated virginity alone.

The biggest reason for this is because, as I said, I feel like this is what God is calling me to do. Some people are great speakers and evangelizers. I'm not one of them. I'm not a great speaker; I stumble on and mumbles my words. I don' have that confidence speaking out on the faith as apologists do because I'm so worried about unintentionally leading people astray. That's why I write. I can think about what I want to say before I say it. I often write about what I do know and most of that is based on my own experience and studies. (Side note: what an appropriate day to say this; happy feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron of writers!). I feel like God has given me a gift of being able to connect with others through the written word and that's why I continue to write.

Furthermore, I've been reflecting on The Rule of St. Benedict and how he asked his monks not to speak unless necessary; to be careful with the words they used. My beloved monks of Norcia have begun using sign language and speak as little as often (read: only when necessary) for the same reason. As an Oblate novice, this got me thinking about how I use words... and how careless I can be with them. I was a chatterbox as a child but, as I got older and became more introverted, that changed. Social media gave me a reason to return to my chatterbox ways... but I've seen just how shallow and utterly pointless some of those words can be. So, I'm going to take a cue from my spiritual father (St. Benedict) and spiritual home (Norcia) and be more careful with my words. I'm also going to do this in person but I don't see most of y'all offline so this just an additional "heads up" to friends I do actually see and talk to offline.

I made this decision before I read the National Catholic Register's article on Catholics' reflections on the last decade of social media. Reading it just reaffirmed the decision to use social media as sparingly as possible and to be more careful about what I share on it and on this blog. It feels like the right time to step back and be more intentional with the use of both the blog and social media. I guess the Holy Family did listen to my prayers because I'm starting to see the fruit of it.

Of course, there's more that goes along with this decision but those changes are of slightly different natures so I'll just leave that for the next post. All I'm going to say is that this digital detox month has been good for me. I feel calmer and less stressed out. I feel less pressured to be "on" at all times. And, most importantly, I like the transformation that's begun internally. God is definitely still making big changes in my life; changes for the better. :)

That is it for now. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers; you are all in mine. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Starting My Digital Detox: The Rules and the Feelings

Just before I started this blog post, I almost broke down crying. Why? Because I'm overwhelmed and burnt out. Hearing text messages -- especially multiple sent back-to-back, seeing my notifications on social media explode, having people I don't know give their opinions on my life and decisions... it's all too much for me.

When I asked for prayers a couple of weeks ago, stating that I haven't been well for a while, I wasn't kidding. I'm beyond stressed out and my mental and emotional health are barely hanging on. I don't normally share this but I'm going through an incredibly difficult time in my personal life right now. I'm also emotionally exhausted from the ups and (mostly) downs of my health ailments. I want to cry all the time and the toll of it all has begun affecting my health as well. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. I've reached my breaking point. That's why I decided, weeks ago, to take a digital detox break. I wish I had started it sooner, though, because I've been on the verge of tears all day today.

I'm so grateful to everyone who follows me and interacts with me on social media... but it seems that I can't post anything these days without at least 3 people contradicting me, telling me what to do, or trying to dissuade me from what I've decided. This is especially true when it comes to health and faith matters. I know most have the best intentions but it's too much for me. I'm going through one of the most emotionally draining times of my life and having these types of comments are not helpful. In fact, they make me feel worse.

I didn't want this to be a venting post. I'm sorry if it came across that way but I wanted y'all to understand why I've decided to do this.

So, what will my break (hopefully) look like? Here are my rules for the next month:

Smartphone usage:
- I'm keeping my phone in a separate room from me while I'm at home. It will be kept on "do not disturb" mode all day. The only calls that will go through are from my mother, my older brother, and my best friend (who is in wedding planning stress mode; please say a prayer for her). I'll have the ringer on just for them so I can hear when they call -- and they only call when it's absolutely necessary.
- I will check for important messages and calls for 5 minutes only after each of Divine Office hours. So, after 6 a.m., 9 a.m., noon, 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m. while I'm awake. After 9 p.m., I won't check messages until the next morning. If I see no messages during my breaks, I'll just move forward with other plans that don't involve my phone.
- I will reply to urgent prayer requests and messages during those 5-minute breaks.
- If someone wants to chat, I will make the time (in advance) to do so. That can be on the phone or in person. Snail mail is also welcomed. This rule applies to only those I know offline or who I've trusted enough with my personal information.
- The only social media app I have on my phone -- Instagram -- will be deleted for the month.

Laptop usage:
I can't completely leave all screens behind for the entire month because, as a freelance writer, I need to do research and submit articles but I will be limiting the use of them overall.
- I will access my email only when I'm on my laptop. The limit will be 3x per day -- once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once at night. The limit will be for 5 minutes during the day breaks and 30 minutes at night.
- I'm leaving all non-work or personal emails for the weekends. I will reply to non-urgent personal emails at the end of the day but anything that comes from a mailing list (e.g. articles and blog posts) will be left until the weekend.
- I will do most of my writing offline and will then transfer it to the appropriate mediums as needed.
- The laptop will be used only to write, research, link, and respond to emails during the week. Once those things have been taken care of, I will turn it off until I need it for productivity reasons. I'm giving myself limited time over the weekend to catch up on articles and blogs.
- All social media posts to links to my articles and blog posts will be sent through Hootsuite and some will get scheduled if I have more than one to share per day.
- I'm avoiding all streaming content all month that isn't necessary for work (and it rarely is). The exception to this rule is when I'm visiting someone who has streaming content on, e.g. a movie or music.
- I've had the Freedom app in place since last year and I will add even more restrictions to it in case of temptations. It's already helped me out a lot since I got it in April. (And, yes, that's an affiliate link; just a heads up.)

TVs and iPods:
- If I want to watch anything, it'll have to be on TV, either via the blu-ray player or the antenna we use to watch local channels.
- In the spirit of the detox, I'm also limiting how often I use these mediums. I'll use them only when there's someone else watching it (e.g. my mother or if a friend visits).
- I will most likely use my iPod touch the most during the break but with the WiFi turned off. I have a ton of music I've purchased over the years downloaded onto it for when I'm away from the radio and/or want to listen to audiobooks. No, audiobooks won't be streamed; they'll be downloaded. Ditto with podcasts.
- I have radio access at home and in my car to listen to Classical KUSC (since it's local) so that also takes care of the possibility of wanting to listen to something new on my monthly break.

I have a lot of plans to keep myself occupied. Even when I'll be resting (because I'm still at the beginning of my physical recovery mode), I'll have physical books to read, a guitar to play, some modern calligraphy to practice (I'm making the place cards for another best friend's wedding), and sewing to learn. Oh, yes, and lots of places to visit and things to do outside the house when I'm able to get out for a little while.

I'm doing this detox for two main reasons:

1) In hopes to disengage from being so hyper-connected in hopes that it will help my mental health. I don't want to have to go through a mental breakdown while trying to recuperate my physical health as well. I need peace. I need quiet. I need to not worry about anything except getting myself healthy once again and doing God's will (more on that in a bit). If I'm bored (and it's good to be bored; it helps with your creativity), I'll just have to opt for high-quality leisure activities after work and prayers are done.

2) Most importantly, in hopes to discern my vocation AND get ready for my Final Act of Oblation in a couple of months. I need to quiet my mind and my heart so that I can hear God more clearly. I may not currently know what my vocation is but I have zero doubts in my mind that I'm called to be an Oblate. Thus, I need to really embrace the Benedictine lifestyle now that I'm not sleeping, bedridden or dealing with other physical obstacles most days like I was for the first couple of months of my novitiate. I need to spend even more time in prayer and doing Lectio Divina. I need to attend Mass and do Holy Hours as frequently as I can. I've given myself the goal to learn the Act of Oblation and other prayers in Latin as well so I have work to do.

There are a number of things I'll be working on during this month to prepare myself -- especially to better myself as a Benedictine Oblate -- but I think I'll leave those details for future blog posts. And, yes, I do firmly intend to blog more often because I have a lot of really exciting things coming up.

So, those are my plans from tomorrow (World Introvert Day) through Candlemas (February 2nd). Once my detox is over, I'll share with y'all my details on how I'll slowly reintroduce social media and other digital devices; what the changes will be and what will be completely eliminated.

Alright, I guess that's it for now. Please say a prayer for me during this time. Of course, I will keep y'all in my prayers as well! I hope to blog again before the week ends but don't quote me on that. There's a couple of things I want to do offline first. That's why I finished and submitted my work yesterday as well; to have the rest of the week off to focus on that. Let's just say that I'm taking "World Introvert Day" seriously tomorrow and I might extend it through the weekend. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely New Year's Eve and Day. Merry Christmas (until Candlemas for me but Epiphany for most Catholics).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

A Week Without Social Media: Coming to Terms With My Insignificance

Just a quick note before I begin: I've decided to modify my blogging days during Lent. I'll be blogging every day, Mondays through Fridays, with the weekend off to catch up on anything left over from the week (e.g. emails). That way I don't burn myself out writing, too.

I know some of you are wondering how it's been now that I've gone a full week without social media. Has it been hard? Has it been easy? Did I crack yet? Was I able to go through with my plans to avoid social media on Sundays as well? Y'all... it's only been a week! lol. Having said that, I've had some interesting insights that may change the way I use social media from now on.

In all honesty, it's been an adjustment I've needed to get used to but it's far easier than I had anticipated. I've been using Facebook since 2004, when it was called The Facebook and you needed a college/university email to join the site (Santa Monica College alum over here). Before that, I used Myspace from their early days (2003) until about my reversion in 2006. I've been an active Twitter user since January 2008, with only a couple of months off in late 2017.

Social media has been a part of my life for my entire adult life -- nearly 16 years and counting. I was 18 years in 2003 when Myspace began. I was 19 when I joined Facebook in 2004. I joined Twitter as a 22-year-old. Basically, my late teens into early 30s have been spent using social media to communicate with others... and meet new friends. Still, it wasn't until perhaps my early to mid-20s when "Catholic Twitter" began that the addiction took hold.

I'm not blaming Catholic Twitter for my social media addiction. Enough research has been made to present us the cold, hard facts that social media and smartphone developers have purposely "brain hacked" us into becoming addicted to both. I have books I can recommend if you want to read for yourself but a quick Google search will bring up some of the articles for those who don't want or have the time to read long books on the subject.

I have so many fond memories of the OG Catholic Twitter members and of Matthew Warner compiling a list of all of few "openly Catholic" accounts on Twitter. So many of us met offline. Some of my now-best friends were people I met in those early days. Some of these people met, fell in love, and married thanks to early Catholic Twitter days. As the years passed, so many of the "OG" members have abandoned the platform because of all the drama. For those of us who were around in the early days (2008-2010), we know how much different it was then; how we miss the "golden age of Catholic Twitter."

Being away from social media this week, I was surprised at how, well, comfortable I felt without it. It was like going back home. It's sort of like when you revisit somewhere or something you used to love as a child and you have all those wonderful memories of it flooding back to you. That's how it feels.

In fact, I had this moment while praying the Rosary when these words flowed out of mind and heart. I wrote them down on a piece of paper on Saturday night because I felt they were important for me to remember later on.

"This break without social media, as well as the regular blogging, reminds me of my early reversion days; how hungry I was for the faith and for being "all in" in my relationship with God. Becoming an urban hermit is giving me a renewal of faith I haven't felt in a long time. I've been on Twitter since January '08; 11 years. I may keep my acccount as is (now) long after Lent, maybe checking my messages and replies 1-2 times a month."

It's amazing. This no social media and regular blogging has reminded me of my early reversion days (circa 2006 - 2008). In those days, I went by Miss CNW (Catholic Nerd Writer) and was anonymous. I wrote about my experience returning to the Faith after being away from the Church from ages 13 through 21. As I wrote in the note to myself, I had a real hunger to completely devote myself to learning as much as I could about the faith. Since I was anonymous online, I didn't have this immense pressure (which, admittedly, I put on myself) to be this "perfect Catholic." It was just me and this new, exciting journey in which I devoted myself to rebuilding my relationship with God.

Somewhere along the line, I lost sight of that. I became more preoccupied with doing things "the right way" because I wanted to live up to people's (or my own) unrealistic expectations of what I was supposed to be like or how I was supposed to behave. Y'all may know what I mean: you try to present the positive aspects while covering the ugly. I've written the good and bad but the ego and the "likes" on social media definitely affected how I used social media as well as what I blogged about.

(Side note: If you ever wondered what life was pre-social media addiction, my first novel, Will and Lina: When Two Worlds Collide, is loosely based on what my adventures were like... minus a Will. Also, the sequel, Will and Lina: London Calling, is more fiction than truth. And, no, I get no commission -- aside from royalty payments -- if you click on those links and order either books. Just normal links to novels.)

Taking a break from social media and regularly blogging has been a much-needed breath of fresh air for me. It has renewed that fire in my soul to detach myself from the world, reform my prideful ways, and devote myself to God as much as possible without becoming a religious sister (not my vocation).

Of course, I can never recreate what my early reversion days were like. I will never be that wide-eyed, unjaded 21-22-year-old who had a lot of learning to do. I'm now a 33-year-old young woman who knows more about the beauty and glory of the Church but still have so much left to learn. Since I began my blog, I've graduated from college... I've gone after two more degrees... I've suffered personal highs and lows... I've lost my father to cancer. All of that has changed who I am, but perhaps not as drastically as what social media has done to me.

I honestly don't want to return to social media... though I know I have to keep using it for work. I may just check my messages once a week or twice a month but I can't imagine ever going back. I think both the influence of my best friend (who logs into social once every couple of months and just to check any mentions) and the Holy Spirit opening my eyes have gotten me to this place. Of course, I know the "danger" of that is that people will stop following my accounts because, "Well, if she's not going to read my tweets or interact with me, why should I keep following her?" However -- and I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful -- I don't care.

I don't care if I lose followers on social media. The "likes" and "retweets" will no longer have any sway with me. Frankly, my pride would be wounded... and that would be completely wonderful because it would remind me that I'm nobody important or special. I'm just an ordinary young woman who likes to write. That's it.

My life is nothing extraordinary. In fact, it's absolutely dull. I completely appreciate that you, lovely readers, take time out of your days to read my ramblings but I feel like I don't have much to offer that is unique. There are so many other writers who are better than I am; who have better content to offer.

I recognize that God has given me a gift for writing and words because I've had people telling me that... but I don't want to get caught up in thinking about it. If I do, that's when pride creeps in and it spoils the gift God has given me. And, no, I'm not saying this as a way to fish for compliments. It's just how I feel.

So, how am I feeling a week into my "no social media" Lenten penance? Wonderful! It feels like I've been freed from being a slave to it. It has been, without a doubt, the best decision that I've made in recent months. I won't go back to using social media as I used to. I don't want the egoism, the drama, or the poor decisions made using social media. The penance part is all interior -- reminding myself of my unworthiness and insignificance in the world because, let's be honest, the numbers go to our heads... or, at the very least, they did to me.

We'll see how things go next week because this week begins the second phase of my social media and smartphone "break-up." Wish me luck. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and that you have a great week!

As always, thank you so much for reading!

Prayer Interruptions

Okay, so, I'm definitely going to be doing these blog posts at random times when I know I have time instead of a set time every day. Let's see how this experiment goes...

You know what I've noticed lately? That people automatically assume that you're doing something not prayer-related if they see you using your iPod touch or smartphone. I keep getting interrupted when doing the Liturgy of the Hours because I use the BrevMeum app. I guess people assume I'm wasting time on something else and that it's okay for them to interrupt whatever I'm looking at. (side note: I'm not even going to comment on how I rude I think this is in general.) I mean, it's understandable to assume that I may be wasting time on something trivial; a lot of people use for their tablets and/or smartphones for things other than prayer. However, some of us do use them for such purposes. 

I really want to get the Monastic Diurnal (as recommended for Benedictine oblates) so that I can get something physical to hold -- that isn't on a screen -- to do the LOTH but it's not cheap. Yes, I know I can get it on Amazon for a lower price. However, in recent weeks I've decided to buy directly from monasteries, convents, and authentically Catholic websites as the money goes straight to them instead of a giant corporation who may be donating some of the money to Planned Parenthood or another questionable place. Yes, that's why I linked the Monastic Diurnal to Clear Creek Abbey, home to awesome Benedictine monks.

Also, I don't know about anyone else but it becomes really hard for me to concentrate on my prayer once again after I get interrupted midway through the prayer. I simply cannot get back into that laser-focus concentration on what I'm reading/praying... and then I get annoyed at the person/interruption. I know they usually don't mean to do it but it's an annoyance I need to work on. Does anyone have a similar problem? Has anyone been able to overcome this problem? Please let me know any tips you may have!

Not much to report on today, beyond the things I talked about...

Wait, no... one cool thing: I received a message about how I have become a founding member to an amazing apostolate started at my home parish. I don't know if I'm able to talk about it but it's something that, as soon as I heard about it, I knew I had to join in. I'll try to see if I can mention if -- I'll ask the person who started the apostolate -- and write about it in a future post. Let's just say that it involves prayer and that I will never know the end results until I (God willing) get to Heaven.

Okay, now I have nothing else to add. lol. The social media fast is going okay. I still don't miss it at all... although Facebook is starting to send me all these emails about how I'm missing out on *this person's* post or *that person's* video. Sorry, Facebook, but this girl is not experiencing any FOMO. Twitter's emails have also begun but they feel less needy. The only issue I'm having is that I still occasionally (accidentally) type in Twitter or Facebook and am greeted by the home page, asking for my username and password before I realize what I've done. "Old habits die hard" indeed!

My phone doesn't get used very much these days. I have it on "Do Not Disturb" or completely off most of the time. To be quite honest, only 3 people have been added to my "favorites" list so that their calls and/or messages can get through... and one of them is my mother. I wasn't kidding when I said I was going to become somewhat of an urban hermit this Lent. Also, I can't believe the battery lasts me all day, especially since it's not getting drained by the Instagram app (my time-waster of choice) or checking social media. I'm still a couple of days from the official "break-up" with it but this trial separation is going well. For now. lol.

Prayer is going well... except for the whole interruption and having to continue later when I can focus again. I added the same St. Therese book I've used for Lent is about 2009-2010 on a whim yesterday. I figured that since she's playing such a big part in my Lenten plans this year, I might as well go for it.

I know Lent has only just begun but, I am curious, has anyone had to remind themselves (more than once) to stop and not fall back into whatever it is that you've given up for Lent? If you're also on social media fast, are you missing it yet?

Alright, it's 6 p.m. I just prayed the Angelus and now I'm going to go pray Vespers in both the MeumBrev app and the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Yes, I pray both during the day.

I hope you all have a lovely day!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Early Lenten Start and Moments of Bliss

Well, here we are -- Shrove Tuesday and the feast of the Holy Face of Jesus. While I am not eating pancakes or indulging in food, I am "indulging" in my prayer time and more reading, which has been lovely.

I started some of my Lenten practices a couple of days early to make the necessary modifications (e.g. time management hiccups) in order to be ready for tomorrow. Social media has both surprisingly easy to give up... yet hard to avoid.

While I've signed out of all my accounts (and have been since Sunday), I still absentmindedly (and out of habit) find myself typing up the first couple of letters and hitting "enter" when I see that particular social media website pop up. Again, I'm so happy I'm logged out because it becomes a reminder of what I have decided to do. I've also blocked cookies from my phone's browser so that I cannot log into any website that requires a password.

A little while ago, I was listening to "La Vie en Rose" as the rain started pouring on my rooftop. I stood up from the couch and went to the window to look at the rain falling from the mostly cloudy sky. I could see the sunlight and blue skies peeking through pockets that were untouched by the clouds. I kept listening to the song and listening to the rain mixing into the melody in perfect harmony. I was alone in the living room, a rare moment of quiet for a busy apartment building setting, and it was a beautiful moment of sheer bliss.

It's these little things and moments that we miss when we're so caught up on social media and on being on top of notifications. I'm sure I've missed a lot of things on social media... but I didn't miss this one beautiful moment that appeals to my romantic nature. Not only that, it reminded me of the beauty that God has bestowed on us; the beauty we often overlook because our attention is on something superficial and fleeting. For this moment -- for these realizations -- I'm grateful.

We're expecting heavy rain -- and even some thunderstorms -- tomorrow. I don't know if I will be able to make to Mass and/or church for the distribution of ashes because our local streets flood and my car is pretty low to the ground. That and I'm still feeling a little under the weather (read: lightheaded), which makes driving under these conditions a little more dangerous. Still, I will pray and ask St. Scholastica for a little break in the rain to and from our parish so that I may be able to attend confession and Mass tomorrow.

I think this is the first Lent that I actually prepared for and am ready for... which, of course, means very little because plans can change. Still, I look forward to tomorrow and the rest of the season. I know it's a penitential season but I feel like I really need this time to do some major interior housecleaning and relationship (with God) mending. Anyone else ready for the Ash Wednesday?

Anyway, I just want to write a little something to test this whole "daily blogging" format I have in mind. I think I'll wait until the end of each day to write the post, publish it, and then schedule the link to be posted on social media in the morning the following day, but don't quote me on it. Still trying to figure out how this is going to work as well. :)

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week and that you're (more or less) ready for tomorrow and the next 40(+) days!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

My 2019 Lenten Plans... Along with a Few Surprises

I have decided to become somewhat of an "urban hermit" for this Lenten season. What does that mean? Well, in a nutshell, I want to devote myself and my time to more prayer and work (oh, hey, Benedictine ways ;)). I want to detach myself from as many worldly distractions as possible. This means no social media, checking my email twice a day (and not replying unless it's
life or death" important), long periods of not touching my laptop or anything that has internet capabilities, and seriously detachment from my smartphone and all the shiny apps it contains.

I will be rolling out the details of my plans slowly as the Lenten season progresses. You won't know what I'm doing until I've begun doing them, but here are the three major things that I needed to share with everyone with whom I communicate frequently.

I will be "breaking up" with my smartphone over a period of 30-days, which may extend a bit after Lent is over. I have the specific time frame already marked in my calendar. Friends have been warned that I will be unavailable and alternative ways of communicating have been established for those who want (really, need; e.g. editors, coworkers) to keep in touch during this time.

I am planning on doing a mini-retreat at home. I'll talk more about this when I begin but it's something that I've looked forward to doing on my own for quite some time. I want and need this time for just myself and for my relationship with God -- with no one else's comments or interference. It'll just be whatever God wants to reveal to me and what I want/need to say to him. People often feel the need to chime in on what I "have to" do or how I "have to" do it and, to be completely honest, it irritates me. My relationship with God is personal. Sure, I know I need help once in a while but that's what spiritual directors are for, right? I hope this retreat will help me focus more on God and less on what the outside world thinks I should do to better my spiritual life. Are we seeing the "urban hermit" pattern yet?

I will be updating my progress daily via this blog. No, your eyes don't deceive you; I will be blogging daily during Lent. I will be setting a specific time in the evening, every day, to update any progress (or epic fails) along the way. I've always been curious to see how people do when they cut back on social media and smartphone usage after relying on them for so long so I want to share my experience with you. Knowing myself, I will stumble more than a couple of times but that's okay. I'm giving myself permission to not be perfect; to learn from my mistakes but to also not say, "Well, I messed up so it's time to throw in the towel." Also, it'll hold me accountable for my actions, which I need.

There may also be surprises along the way but I guess you'll just have to keep coming back to find out what they are. ;)

I think I've figured out how to share these blog posts and articles published onto my social media accounts without my having to log in so some of y'all can still get the links if it's easier that way. However, I will be completely gone from the evening of Shrove Tuesday until Easter Sunday. Yes, that includes Sundays as well.

I know some of what I will share (as I roll out my plans) will seem extreme at first but, trust me, I've not only researched and planned this out for weeks. I'm doing all of this because I know I have to make some drastic changes in my life in order to put myself back on the right path. I'll also share what's been going on and why these changes were necessary later on.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these things while I had the brain capacity for them. I'm currently having another (and slightly worse than before) chronic fatigue relapse so I'm not able to concentrate for long periods of time. In fact, I'm going to take a nap as soon as I publish this post so I can focus on a couple of articles I have due (and overdue) without the crazy mental fog.

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

The Perfect Storm That Did Me In

Take one burnt-out writer constantly battling writer's block, add lack of vitamin D (and add a couple of cold winter storms for good measure), then add a giant helping of people being a little too dramatic and suffocating on social media. Mix it all together and you get someone who is so overwhelmed, she has to take nearly a month to recover... and she's not fully there yet.

Yes, this is what happened to me. No, I have not fully recovered from the burnout, yet.

It's not easy being a freelance writer, especially when you have to come up with new material every two to three days. I've felt burnt out since late December when I had one of my busiest months. It's still taking me a lot of brainstorming to come up with new article topics -- and then more time to research for each post -- but I'm slowly coming out of the writer's block fog that I've been battling for weeks.

As some of you long-time readers may remember, I was diagnosed with a severe vitamin-D deficiency mid-summer last year. That was the reason why I was so tired all the time. After getting outdoors and getting more sun, I started to recover. I wasn't oversleeping anymore. All the little symptoms associated with the deficiency started going away. I was feeling more like myself... and then the lack of sun knocked me back down.

For years I'd noticed that every winter I'd get more and more fatigued. I had simply assumed it was the cold weather lulling me to sleep. It was as if I were a bear and my body just wanted to hibernate all winter long. That or SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Now, with the diagnosis, I finally know why; my body just needs more of the vitamin than it gets.

We've been hit with rainstorm after rainstorm in Southern California since the New Year so guess who's been feeling more lethargic lately. Yep. Symptoms include fatigue, lack of concentration, and mental fog -- all which impeded my creativity and impacted my work. Cue the "Ohhh!" chorus.

The doctors said it was going to take a couple of months for me to recover from the deficiency and, unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to fully recover. Thankfully, it's nowhere near as bad as it was last year or the year before. If I know there will be a couple of hours or a day between rainstorms, I get out and I soak up as much vitamin-D as I can before the next storm hits. It's helped a lot... but the storms are getting more frequent and lasting longer so I'm dealing with some symptoms again. Can Spring (my favorite season) hurry up and get here already? Please and thank you!

Last, but not least, I was feeling overwhelmed with social media. I was already feeling physically tired but the drama on social media pushed me beyond my limits. I honestly felt like crying every time I logged in to an account and saw the notifications along with how many messages I had to attend to.

The content of the messages wasn't helping. That's not to say all messages were bad; they weren't. There was just so much bickering, so many complaints, so much gossip and badmouthing and other things that just drained me outweighing the good. It got so bad that I even had to ask my closest friends to give me a breather; no texts or messages on any kind. I needed a full-on technology break. It didn't last long -- just 2-3 days because of work -- but you'd be surprised at how much those screen-detox days helped.

During those days, I would completely shut down my phone. I wouldn't touch my laptop. If I had work to do (and I always do), I'd write down the bulk of what I was going to submit. If it was a deadline day, I'd only get on my laptop long enough to write it out and send it to my editors. Sure, it meant "wasting" more time writing and rewriting but it was worth my sanity staying intact.

That is why it took me nearly a month (3 more days to a full month) to write another blog post. That is why so many tweets and messages went (and have still gone) unanswered.

I'm going to be honest with y'all (and I hope this is a gentle reminder to those who've known me for years): I hate drama of all types. I hate gossip. I absolutely loathe people who message me solely to badmouth someone else. It drains me. Yes, we all need to vent and get stuff out of our systems, but this sort of things emotionally drains me. In person, I usually change the topic as soon as someone starts down this path but it's somehow more difficult through technological means.

What's worse was that I hadn't noticed how this was affecting how I interacted with people until I hit that wall. It was like I would absorb people's negativity, ruining my day and getting me in super cranky mood as a result of it. I was a lot more impatient with everyone, including myself. I would find myself complaining more, which I dislike intensely. I hated the way it had altered the way I thought and acted. Sure, you can say that it was just the perfect storm that did me in and that it was no wonder I was acting the way I was but, really, I don't want that to be an excuse. I should've known better.

A little over two and a half weeks ago, I attended a silent retreat at my parish and it was sheer bliss. I shut off my phone. I listened to the talks and took a copious amount of notes which I still re-read; the talks were so good! I only had to worry about writing down all the excellent content while the priest gave the talks and then focus on prayer during Mass, adoration, and the recitation of the Rosary by all the women (it was an all women's retreat) that attended the retreat.

The retreat and the overload of information from social media inspired me to make some changes in my life; changes I've already begun rolling out in small doses and will fully implement during the Lenten season. Just what they are... well, you'll have to stay tuned for the next blog post since I don't want to make this one longer than it already is.

I want to wrap up this blog post by saying that even though all of this pushed me beyond my limits, I'm grateful for it. It helped remind me that there are things more important things -- such as health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual -- that need to be taken care of. Self-care isn't selfish and if one needs to do take a couple of days (or a couple of hours) just to sit in silence to recharge, that's perfectly fine.

I'm grateful that God reminded me to take an inventory of my priorities and challenged me to make some hard (but important) decisions in order to place my priorities in the right order.

I'm grateful to have been reminded of who I am and who I'm not; of what I value and what makes me uncomfortable. It may not suit others but that's okay. I need to do what is right for me... as long as it doesn't cause any harm or trouble for anyone else.

I'm grateful to have a new plan (well, plans; one for each situation) of action to help me recover from the burnout. As I said, I'll share these in the next blog post.

I thank God for the gift of my routine prayer life that helped keep me sane. I would retreat to a quiet spot in my apartment to pray the Liturgy of the Hours (every 3 hours while I was awake) and/or the Rosary, bringing a much-needed peaceful respite during an otherwise chaotic day.

If you feel burnt out, find out why and do what you need to do. Forget about the FOMO; it's not worth putting your health at risk.

Alright, that's it for now. I'm going to go enjoy the rest of "Fantaisie-impromptu in C-Sharp Minor, Op. 66" by Frederic Chopin before I have to go to do something else.

I hope y'all have had a lovely week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!