Nevermind, I am Leaving...

Please disregard the whole "I'm not leaving" post from hours earlier. I've officially withdrawn. Long story short: my financial aid was entirely revoked because of the 3.0 minimum. Without financial aid, I can't pay for my classes. "Wait, didn't you say the 2.7...?" Yep. That's what I thought as well. Financial aid is apparently a different beast. It didn't matter that I received a 2.85 in the Fall because of my car accident and having missed half the quarter. It didn't matter than I received a 3.0 this quarter.

I could technically appeal it but I'm not going to. An alumnus helped me there (seriously). I've made the choice to withdraw and go elsewhere. I didn't get kicked out; I've voluntarily chosen to leave instead of getting a private loan. It wasn't worth it to me. I'm already technically a student elsewhere (I never declined admission last year... oops); it's just a matter of whether I want to attend this other school or go elsewhere and do something else.

Maybe this is why I got sick the day of orientation and only felt better until I physically left. Maybe this is why health obstacles were put in my way. Maybe it's all just a bunch of coincidences. Who knows. All I know is that I'm no longer a JP Catholic student.

I wish them the best of luck. The program is great and the professors are very knowledgeable and I thank them for the past two quarters.

Onto bigger and better things. Verso l'alto!

Alright, I have a fever (I've had it since that headache I mentioned in the last post) and my body is starting to ache so I'm going to rest. Yes, having to leave school AND getting sick on the same day. What a lucky gal I am. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Almost Left Grad School

The past couple of days have been a bit of a crazy whirlwind of confusion, stress, and disappointment for me. Why?, you may be wondering (if you didn't see the Instagram post or get a long email from me). Simple: I almost left JP Catholic's graduate program and I had to come up with my final decision and options in two days (by today). 

Basically, it all boiled down to not having the GPA (or so I thought) to continue in the program. I believe I received an 86% final grade for my course (did well on everything except the essay portion of the final exam which hurt the final grade). Between this B and the 2.85 GPA from the disastrous Fall quarter, I have a 2.92 GPA. The GPA minimum was a 3.0. My brain automatically went "Mayday! Mayday!" 

As soon as I figure out my culminative GPA, I went into planning mode because I sure wasn't going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. While I waited for confirmation about having to leave the program, I looked into different things. I looked at the nearby school that has a Speech-Language Pathology program, having the option to finish the state requirements to start working as an SLPA (Speech-Language Pathology Assistant). I do have classes (in which I did well) under my belt from my time at Utah State. I also remembered that I had options to do my Theology degree elsewhere but, honestly, I wasn't super thrilled about any of the other programs (that I could do online). 

I kept trying to remind myself that I was sure that Theology was the path God wanted me to take but doubt momentarily crept into my mind. "What if I discerned my career path wrong? What if this was just so that I could get the Theology bug out of my system? What if this was just so I could grow spiritually?" I looked at jobs I can do in the Archdiocese with my BA degree and my work experience. A few came up but nothing that I was sure was a right fit for me. I looked at jobs out of state. Some were exactly what I wanted to do but then I remembered that my savings have been depleted and I have responsibilities in L.A. so no go.

I finally got word that the minimum GPA to stay in the program was lowered to a 2.7 as of this Spring so I could stay. My scholarship would be decreased by 20% but that wasn't a big deal for me. Though I could stay, I then wondered if I wanted to stay. While my professor is brilliant and I enjoy his classes, I've traditionally done poorly on the essay portion of his final exams. Sure, I do well on everything else but I tank on the essays in the final exams. "What if I can't get a good enough grade to keep the 2.7 minimum? What if I can't 'get' what the professor wants in the final exam?" Oh, "What Ifs...", my old anxiety-inducing friend. Nope, I wasn't going to go down that rabbit hole.

I reached out to those whom I trust and told them what happened. I needed prayer. I needed to figure out what to do. Some encouraged me to return to the SLP field. Others just listened and said they'd pray for me. One friend told me to get in touch with my professor and talk to him about what he's looking for on the final exam. Another encouraged me to stick it out for one more quarter before leaving (if I still wanted to leave). I still haven't heard back from my professor but I hope he does get back to me before the next quarter (which begins on Monday) is in its second week.

What it came down to was choosing what I feel God is calling me to do. I was honest with myself -- if I did SLP, I would mostly be doing it for the financial stability more than anything. Yes, it would help people out and I loved working with the kids when I did on-site/field hours but passion and my heart are in the Theology field. That much was pointed out by at least two people; it's clear that I'm in my element when it comes to Theology. All the "what ifs" started getting answered. "What if... I couldn't find a decent job in L.A. once I graduate?" I'll move. "What if... I bomb out and then owe the government even more money for the three quarters I spent at JP Catholic?" I'll find a job and pay it back somehow. "What if... the money isn't enough since the field is so hard to get into and doesn't pay that well?" God will provide somehow.

I feel a peace about the path I'm on but I did have some doubts while things were in limbo. I need to remember to trust God, even when things are momentarily topsy turvy. I still feel like this is what I'm meant to be doing so I'm going to continue. If my GPA isn't that stellar and I have to leave, well, I'll deal with that if it happens. I've already taken proactive steps into improving as a student (reaching out to my professor; being on top of my work) and improving my health (doctor prescribed iron pills, folic acid, and vitamin C to help with my anemia and dismal folate level). All I can do now is pray and work hard and see what happens in the future.

Anyway, just sharing this part of my journey. It's not always glamorous or fun but stuff like this happens. 

I'm currently experiencing a pretty blah headache (possibly a migraine) so I'm going to rest for a little while before I have to go pick up Mom from work.

I hope everyone has been doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Learning Limits: Grad School Edition

Did you ever go through a wonderfully humbling experience that helped your relationship with God followed by a couple of stormy days in which everything seemed to go to heck? If so, welcome to my past week. After the wonderful spiritual highs that came with the start of Lent, I hit a rough couple of days that I actually feel grateful for having. I'm one of those "weird" optimistic people who tries to look for the silver lining in every situation so, of course, it's story time. ;)

Last week I found out that I had to switch from a full-time schedule to a half-time timetable at JP Catholic. It isn't because I can't handle the usual load of classes; it was because there would be one quarter that not even this "academic superwoman" could've handled. Long story short: because I have to re-take one course (in which I received a C) and do the courses of this past Winter quarter that I took off, I fell a bit behind schedule. If I had stayed on the same track, I would've had to do 5 courses in a 10-week span next Winter. That would've been nearly impossible for me to do, especially with how intense just 2-3 courses can be. I prayed about it (and asked friends on FB to pray for me), talked to my mom, and talked to a couple of lovely folks of JP Catholic and I decided that it was best for me to do half-time instead. Since JP Catholic is a small school and courses are available at specific times of year, it made sense to do an extra year and no go overboard loading myself with all the missed classes in a single quarter.

It's hard for me to "accept defeat" in the academic field but this doesn't really feel like a defeat. I know that while I'm fully capable of handling 3 courses at a time but 5 is too many. That's just the reality of it. My academic pride has a tendency to make me take on too much. Pride has already done too much damage. Staying on last quarter when I had more than enough to deal with post-accident? Yep, learned my limits then. That's why I took this to prayer. Pride and fear (of a financial nature) were at work and I didn't want to make any decisions based on either of those two emotions.

I've done so much progress in these past 2 months that I've taken off. I've been able to learn how to take better care of myself... which means learning that I often jump into doing too much too quickly and messing up any progress I've made. I don't want to do that this time around. This degree and these courses are way too valuable to rush through. I'm not taking these courses for my own personal enrichment; I'm taking them for my career / vocation. If this is the path God wants me to take (and it certainly seems that way), I'm going to do things properly. 

Surprisingly, everything worked itself out within 3 hours. I feel at peace about the decisions made. It's going to take me an extra academic school year to finish but maybe there's a reason for it. Yes, I'm one of those "everything happens for a reason" people. (quick side note: I won't apologize for it.) Maybe God has something else in store for me between now and graduation (tentatively scheduled for September 2018). Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I need to take things slow; He knows that I tend to take on too many things at one time because that idol of busyness is hard (but not impossible) to uproot. Maybe there are other lessons I need to learn before I'm ready to teach or do whatever He has planned for me after graduation -- lessons that will take time. Either way, I'm ready for whatever He has in store for me.

All of this that I went through was during my spiritual high. I felt closer to Him during this time... and then came a couple of days of grumpiness, apathy, and spiritual dryness followed. I was able to keep in mind that it was the Lenten season and we're bound to experience some spiritual dryness (at varying degrees) during it instead of dwelling on things. I'm giving credit to Holy Spirit and the angels (shout out to the Chaplet of St. Michael) for helping me out because I was in a bad place. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt slightly betrayed by some people. I got annoyed whenever Mom told me that things happened for a reason and that I had to trust Him. Of course, I agreed with her and I knew she was right but them feelings were still there and they were strong. I seem to have gotten out of that funk but I'm still going to remain vigilant. 

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to try to finish the other blog post and schedule it for tomorrow since I know Friday will be my day off of social media and I have a feeling my Saturday and Sunday may be busy. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Oh, Sweet, Sweet Blogosphere: I Survived!

Can you hear the "hallelujah" chorus being sung? Can you see the sun shining? There's a spring in my step and a song on my lips. Yes, ladies and gentlemen: I've officially survived my first quarter of grad school! Yay!!! I mean, okay... I'm a bit sleep deprived, I'm quite a few pounds lighter (which isn't good because that means I'm underweight again), and I'm still facing dismissal but I survived! lol.

As I wrote last time, I don't think I will be returning for a second quarter because of how poorly my quarter went. Again, it wasn't that I didn't try. I did. I gave it my all and then some. There were just too many obstacles that were thrown my way and I couldn't catch up. I won't repeat everything; it's all in the previous post. I'm not stressed out though. I did well considering everything I went through. I received solid grades on all my essays. I actually did better in Philosophy than in Theology which I was not expecting. Philosophy is my weak spot as far as the world of Theology/Philosophy goes. I loved every second of my classes; it's just unfortunate that I had so much going on at the same time. Predictably, as soon as I was finished with the quarter, things slowed down. So the crazy began the day of orientation (the day before the quarter started) and it slowed down as soon as the last final was completed. You draw your conclusions there...

Actually, all of this has got me thinking about whether or not grad school is for me. Again, LOVED it. I learned so much. Dr. Barber and Dr. Kincaid are great professors. It's not a reflection on the school or the professors. I'm still an academic nerd at heart but I've been thinking (for a couple of weeks now) that maybe this is not the path for me. Yes, I still think that I'm on the right path as far as vocation (small v; aka career/job) goes but maybe I'm just not meant to continue grad school for this particular subject. That is something I'm going to be discerning over the next couple of weeks.

I'm not quitting because it was hard and I went through a lot. If that was the case, I wouldn't have turned in my finals. I would've dropped out when I had a chance to get the W. I could've said "why am I doing this when I'm not going to pass one class and face dismissal?" Actually, the thought did pop into my head this past week. "Why am I finishing my Philosophy paper when I'm obviously not going to pass (reminder: that means B- or better) Theology?" But, no. I finished what I started. What did it for me was the cold, hard facts that my friends who've taken a similar path presented to me.

If you guys haven't noticed by now: I'm an idealist. I dream big. I'm optimistic. That's not bad, per se... it can just cloud my decisions at times. I had this vision that wasn't exactly shattered but was brought down to reality. I won't go into detail but let's just say that, yes, I did have my head in the clouds and had to be talked sense into. In the end, while I'm still optimistic about the future, I feel as if I have a clearer vision of what I feel called to do.

I still feel as if I want to work with teenagers but maybe teaching in a traditional sense is not for me. I still want to write and opportunities have presented themselves in which I can actually do that. Yes, writing is an unpredictable and unstable profession. Hi, I did freelance work for 2 years! Still, I'm finding better opportunities to do that and in a more financially stable manner. As for the work with teenagers, I can do that with my BA. I can do so much with what I already have.

Maybe I needed to go through a hard semester of grad school to realize that I'm ready. Maybe grad school was an unintentional excuse because I was afraid (oh, fear... my arch nemesis) of going after what I feel called to do. I honestly felt as if I needed to do my Theology MA because I wasn't knowledgeable enough in the faith to dive into work. Now I feel as if I'm ready. Maybe I went through a hard 10 weeks so that I could see that I was committed to this path (which I am!) but that perhaps grad school isn't a part of His plans for me. That's okay.

As I said, I'm going to be discerning that between now and the time the next quarter starts (in the off-chance that I get to stay). A lot of time will be spent in prayer and in front of the tabernacle when I'm able. I'm not making any decisions unless I take them to prayer because He knows I know His help when it comes to these big decisions. In the meantime I've started applying to jobs. There is one in particular that would be great for me -- it involves writing, I can do it from home, and it's for an orthodox Catholic company. We shall see what the future holds. :)

Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. I have more but I'm going to wait until my end of year review post to share them. Oh, you can wait another 10 days or so. ;)

Oh! If you're wondering what my plans are while I discern: a lot of rest. I need to kick start my plans to get healthy so a lot of rest (read: stable sleeping schedule), eating well, and relaxing is what Dr. Emmy* orders for herself. I got a month of Netflix so I'm going to enjoy that when I'm not working on my third novel. No, it's not work for me; writing is fun for me! :D

I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Hello from the Land of Failure

"Hello from the Land of Failure." Well, I almost named it "Hello from the Other Side... of a Failed Exam" but didn't. Oh, Emmy... haha. I'm sure I can come up with a parody song to "Down Under" by Men at Work or "Hello" by Adele. I'm a massive goober like that. lol. Yes, I'm genuinely laughing. Yes, there's a good chance that I've lost my mind. And, yes, I did just fail my Theology final exam.

I'm not happy that I've failed a course that I loved nor I have to leave such a wonderful program. Seriously, I wouldn't trade my 10 weeks (that's how long their quarters are) at JP Catholic for anything in the world. Dr. Barber and Dr. Kincaid taught me more about theology and philosophy in 10 weeks than I've learned in nearly 10 years since my reversion. If you're thinking about studying for an MA in Biblical Theology, I highly recommend their program!

I think the reason why I'm not kicking myself or why I'm not lamenting the lost opportunity is because I've reminded myself that everything happens for a reason. I know some of you absolutely loathe that phrase but I'm a firm believer in it. I may not know the reason why things happened the way they did but I believe that God will help me see where I need to go from here.

It's not like I failed because I played played video games instead of studying. Granted, I probably did waste some time (10 minutes or so) working on puzzles every once in a while but I think I spent more time studying these past couple of weeks than I have in years. Do I need to remind you guys of how I spent weeks leading up to the start of the quarter in and out of the hospital, recovering from minor surgeries? How my platelets plummeted and how my anemia returned once I started the quarter? How my stomach felt like it was going to explode from 3 a.m. the morning of orientation until about 3 p.m. after Joe and I had gotten back to L.A. from Escondido? How I had that terrible car accident two weeks into the quarter that put me behind on my coursework for the rest of the quarter? How my spiritual director quit on me (general consensus amongst friends and family is confusion over that whole situation) only two weeks ago? How I've had major problems with our new building manager the past two weeks and how my own personal safety is now at risk? Wait, I don't think I've shared that last one on the blog yet... Not to mention that every single time I tried to study over the past couple of weeks, something would derail me. Those following me on Twitter know exactly what I mean. Not my choice to waste my time, y'all.

All the "bad luck" I've had lately has been like a series of spiritual attacks, haven't they? I've had enough people say it to make me believe that all these events were just a way to derail me from the Biblical Theology MA path. It certainly seems that way, at least. Things that were out of my control popped up all the time, especially over the past two months (time from car accident forward).

I'm not quitting grad school. At least, it won't be my decision to leave JP Catholic. The school has a C- policy -- if you get anything under a C (C- and under) and you're automatically dismissed from the program. I was informed of that prior to final exams because I asked if I could just repeat the one course I won't pass. I knew I wouldn't have the time to catch up with all the work and knew that the probability of my not passing was high. I put in full-time work hours (and then some) per week. I think I put in a couple of 18 hour days whenever a paper was due just so I could meet the deadline. I lost weight (I'm down to 112 lbs -- my smallest since I was a teenager and quite underweight for my 5'7" height) and I lost sleep trying to catch up. I gave it the old "college try," Oh, what a great idiom for this, lol. I'm proud of myself for fighting against time. The time crunch was real, y'all. I lost maybe 4 or 5 total weeks due to everything that happened post-accident. I studied until my head ached. Sometimes I would fall asleep with my laptop onto of me during the day because I would work until almost 4 a.m.

I fought temptation. I had so many opportunities to cheat on the quizzes and the final exam but I didn't. We took our exams online. Do you know how easy it is to cheat on exams online? Sure, they have software that lets them know if we open up a new tab on our browser during the exam but they can't know whether we used handwritten notes or not, even after they said no open notes. I could've had the chance to take a quick peek to jog my memory. It would've been so easy. The thought popped up in my mind at least once with each quiz and the final exam. The temptation was there... it was hard... but the Holy Spirit helped me resist. They (JP Catholic administration and professors) had full faith in us to do the right thing and I wanted to honor that. I didn't want to insult my professors, myself, or God (and, obviously, not in that order) by cheating. My memory didn't want to cooperate with me. It happens.

Unless the administration decides to give me another chance at JP Catholic -- fully knowing my situation; I've kept them in the loop since an hour or two after I was released from the hospital after my accident -- I'm officially done with grad school. What does this mean for me? Well, we'll see. There are Plans B, C, and D but first there are a couple of things I need/want to do.

First, my immediate goal is to get myself healthy again. I need to regain that weight I lost (I was up to about 122 a few months ago), eat more iron-rich foods to raise my red blood count (and thus kick anemia in the tush), and do whatever else needs to be done to get myself healthy again. Without health, I'm going to be useless in the workforce, especially if that works will have me away from the house.

Second immediate goal: look for and apply to jobs that I can do from home. My car is still getting fixed (thankfully Alli raised a good amount of $ to get my car fixed on GoFundMe; yes, donations are still being accepted since we still have to pay about $500 out of pocket at this point) so transportation isn't easy. Why do you think I've lost so much weight? I haven't had the chance to grocery shop with my limited diet and my limited time; I have to drive twice as far just to get foods I can eat and that isn't easy without a car. One of my best friends has already found a job listing for something that suits me to a T but since it's not guaranteed, I'm going to be putting out feelers. Yes, I'm still applying for the job (which I can do from home) and hope that I get it because, really, it's exactly what I would've wanted even if I had finished the MA program. Thankfully it's something that I don't need the MA for, too.

Third goal: finish my third novel and figure out the fourth. Oh, I have plenty of ideas bouncing around my head for at least two more novels. I'm not going to sit around and do nothing while I wait to find a job or while I try to regain my health. I'm also going to try to shop them around to literary agencies and publishing houses instead of taking the self-publishing route. I love to write. One of my best friends says it's one of the strengths (though I don't see it, lol) so why not try to do something with it once again? At least I know that going the "content mill" route is not for me.

There you have it... my thoughts at half past midnight on the day of my last final. Oh, don't worry about this one. It's a Philosophy paper on William of Ockham, Descartes, and Spinoza. Writing essays is my academic forte. I just need to edit it and go into the book for citations before I turn it in. At least I'll pass one course (the hardest of the two, ironically) this quarter. :)

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me during the quarter. I know some of you prayed really hard for me. Please don't think that prayer didn't help because it did. I've been so peaceful (even in the really stressful moments) that my own mother says she doesn't recognize me. lol. Seriously, no panic attacks or anything. Maybe it didn't help in terms of passing the exam but it certainly helped me not lose my marbles or commit a serious sin in the process. We'll just have to pray and see what God has in store for me next. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Week of Craziness

I'm currently sick and trying to read and concentrate on my coursework is futile right now so y'all are getting a new blog post. :)

For those wondering how grad school orientation at JP Catholic went: it was an adventure. See, the day before the trip I decided to try the Trader Joe's chicken taquitos. I usually don't try anything new the day before a trip or an exam because of how sensitive my stomach is but I was hungry and it was the only thing that we had to eat. Big mistake! I woke up the morning of orientation at 3:30 a.m. with the worst stomachache. I thought about calling my friend Joe (who had offered to drive me down to Escondido) and tell him that the trip was off but I really wanted to go and thought my stomach ache wouldn't last too long so I said nothing. Was I able to function on 3.5 hours of sleep? Surprisingly, yes... and without aids of caffeine or anything. Whoo! All 6 hours on the road (3 hours down to the San Diego area and another 3 coming back home to L.A.) were terrible only because of the pain. My stomach had never hurt that much nor that long before. I actually had to leave orientation early because I started feeling a bit faint and just not comfortable sitting without curling up a little (that helped my stomach in the car). However, according to the itinerary, the only thing I missed was the welcome speech at the end so that was okay. I just wanted to get home. That stomachache lasted about 12 hours. Never again will I eat those taquitos. So not worth it.

Of course, the entire trip wasn't a bust. I got to meet some of my classmates, who were all great. So many friendly people. I stepped a little outside my introverted comfort zone and introduced myself without prompting from some of them. Yes, it was a big step for me since I'm usually really shy and reserved at first. I mean, I said hello, introduced myself, and then asked a question (usually if they were also in the MA program since the orientation was for both MAs and MBAs) to break the ice. Raise your hand if you're proud of me, especially those who've known me for years. lol. After that, I was okay letting the more extroverted people take control of the conversation... and was even fine when they all started talking and I was left to look over the information folders we were given. I have to admit that at one point that I was getting really drained by all the conversations but I stuck it out. :)

I also got the chance to meet some of the staff. Oh! And, bonus, I got to go to confession right before orientation began. The resident priest was there early so I got a chance to talk to him. I seriously felt like he was reading my soul just by the types of questions and comments he made. I'd never met him before but he hit the nail on the head for so many things -- from career to habits and prayer life. It was a great experience for me. I'm a little bummed I couldn't stay for Mass though. I had taken my chapel veil because I had counted on staying for it after orientation. If I hadn't had that terrible stomachache, I would've stayed through to the end but, eh, what can you do?

How's the studying going? Well, I've developed a great little study plan that's worked well thus far. I was able to get through the parts of the Summa Theologiae that were assigned as well part of the Catechism for my Theology course. In fact, except for the class lecture (which has yet to be properly uploaded), I'm already done with the first week's readings and quiz. I goofed up on the quiz and I felt incredibly dumb but, hey, that's how you learn. As long as I pass... and I did. lol. We didn't get anything early for my Philosophy course so that is what I'm going to be tackling as soon as my mental fog clears up. So far, I'm really enjoying the courses. The professors have picked excellent reading material. I got God's Word: Scripture, Tradition, Office by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI yesterday and I'm going to be starting that tonight if I feel well enough. As for the Summa, a fellow classmate was gracious enough to share his study tips with us (in a private online group) and it really made a difference. I feel a lot less intimidated by it though I am nowhere near being 100% confident with it.

I've been using the Pomodoro Technique to study, which has been excellent. I study for 25 minutes, take a 5 minute break (this usually means that I get up and stretch, do some sort of quick exercise, or do a quick social media / Pinterest check) and then I repeat the cycle. After a couple of cycles, I take a 15 minute break and then back to the same. It's really helped me absorb and understand what I'm working on more than any other study method I've ever tried. No, I'm not being paid to say this. lol. If you're studying anything, I highly recommend it. I'm using the free app on my iPod touch called Flat Tomato. I will have to use it when I have time to work on my novel because it's seriously done wonders for my productivity. And... unpaid advertisement done ;)

What else? OH! I was asked by two different people if I was sure that I wasn't meant to be a nun. lol. Long story short: my new dentist and, it seems, most of her staff are Catholic and they saw me holding Rosary beads in my hand since I prayed it while I was waiting. The dentist didn't want to accept my answer that religious life wasn't my vocation and brought it up 3 times before I left. I got a kick out of the whole thing before it happened on St. Therese's feast day. Before anyone asks, yes, I'm positive it's not my vocation. I've discerned for years (since I was 22) and the more I discern the vocation of marriage (in the form of dating and getting to know fellas), the more sure I am that this is my vocation. This is coming from a gal who hates dating, too. Seriously, I wish I could just skip it. The Fella has yet to appear but the baby steps are helping me. :) I have yet to receive the specific color rose I asked St. Therese as a sign that she was praying for my vocation discernment but I have a lot of patience so no rush there. :)

Besides all of that, life's been about not letting little obstacles get me down. I'm sure most of you didn't notice but I took a mini-break from Twitter while I was dealing through some personal stuff. I've had a really rough time with a couple of things (that I haven't mentioned) lately and I needed the break. I'm in "Little Emmy That Could" mode. I could either let these things break me down or I can say "okay, this is happening... but it won't last forever, let's keep going." I've obviously chosen the latter. At this point, I've learned to trust God enough to remember that He has my back. Do I still get upset? Of course. I have feelings but I'm trying to learn to not let them overwhelm me. My trip to school showed me that I'm stronger and braver than I've thought of myself in the past. It was a miserable trip due to my stomach pain but good things happened during it. I just have to keep going. :)

That's mostly what I've been doing since the last time I blogged. Just dealing with some things, getting ready for classes, and, now that they've started, trying to stay on top of things. Not having deadlines (except for a couple of papers) is foreign to me and I don't really like it because I work best on deadlines. I'm going to have to give myself deadlines so I don't have the temptation to procrastinate. My best friend is coming back to visit next week so I have an excuse to finish studying for my first week of classes (which goes from this past Wednesday through next Tuesday) this weekend before she gets here. I'm pretty excited about that. :D

Anyway, that's it from me for now. I'm sure there are a number of typos but, like I said, I have some serious mental fog because I'm feeling unwell so please forgive me for that. I'm going to go eat something and then work on a puzzle or something relaxing. ;)

I hope y'all had a great week and have a fantastic weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Grad School Worries and Academic Pride

Picture courtesy of Ashley Ella Design.

In about a month I start my first quarter of grad school. My school, JP Catholic, runs on a quarter system which I haven't experienced because I've always been on a semester-based academic calendar. I've heard that it's a bit more fast-paced than the semester system but I'm not too worried since I'm only allowed to take two courses this quarter... which I am guessing will be like taking 4 semester courses. Still, it's the "being thrown into a new situation" that is starting to make me a bit nervous.

I'm having those same jitters everyone has on the first day of a new school or job. I'm worried about messing up. When I received my first reading and writing assignment for my Fundamental Theology and Biblical Interpretations course (a little over a month early; thank you, Dr. Barber!) I was equal parts excited and intimidated. They're starting us off with St. Thomas Aquinas' Summa Theologiæ and the Catechism of the Catholic Church. I actually just finished reading through the entire Catechism earlier this summer but I've never really tackled Summa before. I've read bits and pieces (and very few of those) throughout the years but never at the level which I know I will have to for this course. *gulp*

As I was going through the list of questions and textbooks required, little doubts started popping up. "Am I even smart enough for this program?" "Will I be able to retain all the information?" "Will I be an adequate teacher once I finish this program and start working?" "What if I fail again? I haven't been in school for almost a year and the last time I was in school, I had to drop out due to the stress affecting my health." "What if I can't handle the workload again?" There are more questions but you get the gist of it. Oddly enough, all these questions are making me feel better about the situation. Allow me to explain...

I will be the first to admit that I've taken great pride about my academic career... to the point where a trip to the confessional was necessary. As a kid, I was the one who showed off, the know-it-all. I think I just let all the praise about being "smart" go to my head... and no one bothered to correct it. I was a kid, what did I know? While I got a better handle of it as I got older (and I got quieter and more reserved), it was still there in my mind. I took great pride in having graduated high school a year and a half early; in being able to give the valedictorian speech at the graduation ceremony. Though I stunk at math (my academic Achilles heel), I was still able to miraculously passed and graduated from my undergraduate program on the Dean's List.

After years of feeling a little too pleased with myself over my academic career, I got the much needed dose of humility and reality last year. Starting the Communicative Disorders at Utah State last year was exciting and not very nerve wrecking for me. First semester I didn't receive anything belong a B. I was feeling pretty great about myself... and then I didn't even finish my second semester, having to leave a month before it concluded. My health had suffered from me pushing myself beyond my limits. Surprise the "academic Super girl" found her match. I had begun failing exams and I couldn't understand why. I knew the material and I studied hard. I did great with the on-site work with the little kids. Still, it was hard for me to pass the exams. In a weird way, I'm extremely grateful to have gone through all of that because it helped me get rid of that incredibly prideful part of myself.

I think that part of why I'm worried about my potential success (or failure) at JP Catholic stems from what happened at Utah State. I was knocked off my academic high horse but that was one of the best things that could've happened to me. If this is what I want to do with my life (and it is), then I need to approach the rest of my academic career and training with humility. It can't be "look what I can do; look at how smart I am." It needs to be "I'm grateful for what God can do through me for others." I need to take out any selfish thinking... to rid myself of that pride that I held for many, many years.

So, yes, I'm worried about how I'll do, academically. I care too much about it. Although I fought it for so long, I know my passion is teaching others and helping evangelization efforts in any way I'm able to. I gravitate towards putting my efforts towards youth because of how poorly catechized I was and what a terrible path I was going down before I reverted. I want to help prevent that in others. I'm young at heart and I look young enough that they can feel comfortable talking to me or coming to me for advice (or so I've been told).

Of course, I'm going to approach my entire grad program keeping that in my mind. This isn't about me or what I can gain from it (other than the knowledge necessary to help others.) It's going to take a lot of prayer and a lot of revisiting my motives every once in a while. I need to keep myself in check and accountable for my thoughts and actions. :)

Come at me, negative, worrisome thoughts. You'll just remind me that I need to rely on God and to remember that I can't let the pride creep up on me again. :)

That's it for now. I have some errands to run (in 100+ degree weather... oy with the poodles) and other things to do around the house. :D Oh! I'm taking a little break from Twitter for the sake of my sanity. I think everyone (myself included) is burnt out from the craziness of the summer and there's been too much infighting and subtweeting for my taste. I don't know how long the break will last but I'll keep everyone in prayer. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Was Accepted to JP Catholic's Grad School!

Just a quick post to share the good news: I was accepted to John Paul the Great Catholic University's Theology grad program! From now, I'm going to refer to it as JP Catholic because the name is so long. ;) I received the news earlier this morning but I've been busy so I haven't had a chance to blog about it until now.

Now that I've received all three grad admissions decisions (I was accepted to Christendom College, Franciscan University of Steubenville, and JP Catholic) I can officially say that I've decided to attend JP Catholic this upcoming fall. The courses/program, the finances, the location (I'll be able to drive down for events since it's only 2-3 hours south from L.A.)... everything fell into place for JP Catholic.

I'll be completely honest, the fact that they took a cue from Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI (whom I unashamedly fangirl over) on what should be studied when they created the program pretty much sold me on the school. After seeing the courses required for the Master's degree, I knew this school was the perfect fit for me. I'll be doing it online since I'm needed in L.A. for the foreseeable future but I look forward to attending any events they have, something I couldn't have done at Christendom or Franciscan. 

That's the big news that I had been hoping/waiting to share. I'd like to thank everyone who prayed for me and especially those who either wrote letters of recommendation (or called on my behalf) to all three schools. I am beyond blessed to have amazing support from y'all. :)

I probably won't blog again until after Easter Sunday so I hope you have a fruitful Holy Week. :) I wrote my Lenten reflection post yesterday in case you missed it. ;)

And that's it for now. :) As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Grad School and Music Monday: Hunter Hayes

No, your eyes don't deceive you... this is yet another update. I'm getting better at the updating. ;) A special thanks to those who actually bugged me once they heard my second to last midterm was completed. lol.

Still not much going on my end except more and more schoolwork. 6 more months... just 6 more months at the CINO college and then my real education can continue. As soon as the semester is over I'll give y'all a little review of how my penultimate semester went. And, speaking of school, I've been looking at which schools I'd want to apply to next year as I want to take a year or two off to work before I go for my Master's.

I am not sure I want to pursue Theology or Education for my Master's. I am currently being pulled in the direction of a Master's in Creative Writing, Literature, or Journalism because, as much as I'd love to teach, I feel like I'd be happiest writing. It's just something I've been feeling lately, especially after all the novenas I've done regarding my vocation. Of course, making a living by writing is difficult so I'd want something to fall back on and that is why I'll keep my options open. I do have schools in mind and if I do end up wanting to go for my Masters in Theology so that I may be able to teach at a higher level, I already know where to look. Right now John Paul the Great in San Diego (they offer a Biblical Theology Master's degree that I am very interested in) and the University of St. Thomas in Houston are on top of that list but it's only the beginning of the search. If I do end up doing a Creative Writing Master's degree I am most likely going out of the States to do so.

It just started to hit me how fast the "real world" is approaching and how I feel unprepared for it. I do have post-graduation plans but with the economy being so unstable and more and more of my friend struggling to find jobs, I realized that I have to have some backup plans. I'm sure this is something everyone who graduates college goes through but it's my first time going through this AND I feel much younger than I am (quite possibly because most of my classmates are younger... and I regularly get told that I look like I'm under 21) so it's a little weird for me. lol. I am going to take things as they come and just be prepared for whatever may come my way. At the moment I'm just focused on getting through my classes in one piece this semester and also getting ready for my 40 page *groan* Thesis next semester. I feel another novena coming on... after I do the one for St. Jude's feast day (on the 28th) and the one I started last night for the Holy Souls in Purgatory.

I normally have movie or music reviews on Mondays but I am waiting to go watch The Mighty Macs this week so I can review it and Courageous together in a single post so look for that next week. :D Still, I want to renew the Music/Movie Monday tradition so here's a song off of Hunter Hayes' debut album. Yes, it's a country song but I love country music and country singers like Hunter Hayes who aren't afraid of singing about God, love, AND their mama so here we go. ;) The song is called "Faith to Fall Back On"



My favorite part of the song is when he sings the "prayer":
"God, I don't have to see you. I know that you're there
'Cause there were times I thought I wouldn't make it home
But I kept a little faith to fall back on.
Yeah, and I've learned to put my trust where it belongs
And I've gotta little faith to fall back on."

It's a good, catchy song. I've had his album (which just came out two weeks ago) on repeat since I was able to get it so I just thought I'd share one of the songs. :D

Okay, I technically have about a week to finish my last midterm (they dragged out my midterms for an entire month; unbelievable) but I want to finish and relax a bit so I shall try to finish it today or tomorrow. That means no new post from me until probably Wednesday or Thursday. I'm trying to get back on a schedule. I'm sorry my posts have been a little boring lately. I will eventually have more faith based posts (not just talking about the woes of senior year, lol) 'cause that's an area that's been on hold but I need to work on that. :)

Anyway, I hope y'all had a great weekend and have a great week. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

CINO (Catholic in Name Only) and Double Majors

Have you noticed anything new on the blog layout? No? In your left side bar, under the Personality Profile, is a counter that shows just how long I have until graduation. Currently it's 1 year, 6 months, 1 week, and 6 days. *sigh* Seems like such a long time but then I think about how fast these past 2 (nearly 3) months have gone and that makes me feel better. Being at a CINO (Catholic in Name Only) college is hard and getting harder.

I'm beginning to see certain assignments marked down. The tension between professors and certain students (myself included) is beginning to increase. My anxiety's also beginning to get a lot worse. My anxiety had been under control and had gone months without an actual attack and now I have them every other day. Yesterday I was told by several people that I should just leave the school; to finish out the semester and transfer elsewhere. My poor mother, who's seen me at my worse, has been noticing the same pattern which I display before the anxiety gets really, really bad. Yesterday I nearly fainted while standing and had the worse panic attack I've had in a really long time. I don't know if my being at that school is bringing this on but it certainly looks that way.

On Friday I was talking to another faithful Catholic and she was talking about leaving the school as soon as the semester was over... and she's not the only one. Many of us who do not agree with the "teachings" that happen at that school are considering transferring elsewhere, even if it means losing this semester. I had the good fortune of meeting a former student and she said she left after a year because she went through the same that I went through with the professors... and she had the same professors, years ago, that I have now. You can just imagine how bad things are. I don't 100% regret going there only because it's taught me a valuable lesson, but I wish I would've really looked at the school before even applying. I knew things were bad but I didn't know the extent of it until I actually got there. I think I can withstand the abuse (and I feel like it is a form of abuse) for another semester or even until I graduate but I am not 100% sure. As I said, my anxiety is getting worse (so much worse) so I am really thinking about what to do.

My advice to those who have children, siblings, or friends thinking about going to a Catholic college/university is: do your research!! Avoid the CINOs (Catholic in Name Only) colleges. I can tell you that in Southern California the only two that are geniunely Catholic are Thomas Aquinas College in Santa Paula and (according to The Newman Guide) John Paul the Great University in San Diego. If Thomas Aquinas College accepted transfer students I would've gone there years ago. I still think about it -- about going there -- but having to start over as a freshman and have a lot of loans prevents me from attempting to go there. A recent list of Catholic colleges and universities came out in the publication First Things (you need a subscription to view the article) which listed the Most and Least Catholic. I'm surprised my current college didn't rank in the bottom 12. The list seemed to echo what The Newman Guide recommends as far as which schools are recommended, plus a couple others the Guide doesn't have. I'm actually using both to help zero in on which Graduate schools to apply to. Even though I'm only a junior, I'm already seriously thinking about where I want to go for Grad school.

There is one more thing I have to consider; one thing that will be decided in less than 24 hours from now (2:34 p.m. PST). I recently took my Foreign Language placement exams and, well, I very did well. I did so well that the head of the department asked me to consider pulling a double major in Religious Studies AND Spanish with an emphasis on Translation/Interpretation. This only happened today, and it was sort of a fluke that I even sat down with her in her office to briefly talk about it. I was really discouraged about school yesterday but the chat I had with the head of the Modern Languages department kind of sparked a little something in me. A friend suggested I drop Religious Studies and focus solely on Spanish but I don't think I can. At most schools (and I think at mine as well) you can't change your major once you transfer into one. I want to major in Religious Studies but if I could do it elsewhere, I'd be uber happy. If I'm going to stay at this soul sucking school I'm seriously considering adding Spanish so I have something else to focus on. So, that's where I'm at now. I have a big decision to make and I don't know what to do. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

By the way, if anyone knows of a college/university that allows transfers with a cap of about 70-80 units, let me know. I will have 82 at the end of this semester but I'd consider losing a semester's worth of units to go elsewhere. I'm kind of desperate at the moment. lol.

Alright, I have to go write a 7-page essay on the New Testament... which I don't expect to receive full credit on because (like the other assignments) I fail to write what she wants us to write... because I don't agree with what she's teaching or her beliefs. That's right, I am purposely refusing to write what she wants us to because I can't, consciously, agree with it. And the professor is supposed to be open minded. Go figure.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and will have a great week.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!



*EDIT on 12/7/2010: I have since posted two separate posts on the subject last month and this month, including a detailed post last week. Thank you for the comment and advice but I already made my decision weeks ago. :)*