Curiosity and Connectivity Get Me in Trouble

 How I wish I could live at Clear Creek Abbey (where this picture was taken) and live a simpler and more disconnected life. Cell service is spotty and WiFi is even spottier at the monastery.

Two of my biggest struggles lately have been finding the right balance between knowing and being content with not knowing squat… and disconnecting to try to achieve the latter. Let me explain…

I’m a curious person by nature. I always have been. I want to know everything because (almost) everything fascinates me. I want to know how things work. I want to know how things affect people. I want to know how to make things better… or more efficient. Worst of all, I want to know what I can do to make the idealized version of life that I have in my mind a reality.

I read books to gain knowledge (and also to escape from reality at times). I follow people on social media who inspire me to be the best version of myself. I learn from them. I can’t seem to get enough of the former and I try to be careful of the latter since I don’t want to lose who I am to and try to fit myself in a mold of someone I’m not. Between the people I follow on social media (especially on Instagram) and the internet’s bottomless pit of information, it’s become hard for me to disconnect.

“What if I miss something important?” is the question that is perpetually on my mind.

This curiosity has gotten me into so much trouble over the years. Curiosity has led me down paths I’ve wished I’d never taken; gained knowledge that I unfortunately cannot ever forget. I think it’s been something we’ve all had to face at some point of our lives but it’s always been hard for me because of that seemingly insatiable need to know. 

That curiosity led me to study many subjects in school. I changed my major no less than half a dozen times before settling on Religious Studies. I’m not saying that knowledge is bad. It’s not. Knowing helps in many situations… but sometimes it hurts. I don’t regret going to college and grad school though, if it hadn’t been for the student loan forgiveness I received due to my permanent disability (bilateral optic nerve atrophy and subsequent legal blindness), I’d still owe close to $47,000. That is a heavy financial cross to carry. And, even worse, with knowledge came pride.

I was so proud of being “well educated.” A Bachelor of Arts in Religious Studies, a Master of Arts in Biblical Theology, and a second Bachelor of Science in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education — they all looked pretty on my resume even though I didn’t finish the MA or the second Bachelor’s because I got too sick to finish them. See how I didn’t add that I didn’t finish them until the end? That was my way of thinking. I was proud (in the worst way) of knowing; of having some of those achievement under my belt. 

When I reverted to Catholicism, I want to learn it all. Partly out of curiosity and partly that pride of knowing more. It was a vicious cycle. 

At some point during this past Lent, it became glaringly obvious that I needed to nip this unhealthy “need” to know all in the bud. It was that curiosity that had me have some difficult conversations with my spiritual director about things that had become obstacles for me over the years that I could not, in good conscience, keep indulging if I was called to be a bride of Christ. That has led me to where I am now.

Remembering the wise words that Jordan Burke once said on his Instagram account a few months ago, there’s no need to know everything that’s going on. He was talking about how some Catholics are hyper-connected with what’s going on at the Vatican and outside and feel the need to critique or argue with others over what’s going on but it applies to life as well. 

Think about all the holy men and women who’ve lived since the beginning. How many of them only knew the Word of God and managed to live a holier life than most of us? They didn’t know what was going on worldwide or even (as Christianity spread) what was happening with the Pope and/or other religious superiors. It’s not bad that we know about what’s going on but I think sometimes we go a little too far and we engross ourselves too much with what’s going on outside that we fail to take care of our own souls and the souls of those entrusted to our care. 

With that mind, I’ve been trying to find ways to disconnect. It’s been a lot of trial and error (with a heavy emphasis on error, lol). I’ve found what works best for me and what doesn’t. I’ve figured out what triggers that curiosity and when it will lead to good and when it will lead to wasted time and brain space, e.g. what the Catechism says about a particular subject = good, why celebrity A is trending on Twitter = bad about 99.99% of the time.

I’m on day 7 of the Blessed Carlo Acutis novena (in celebration of his birthday) and one of my intentions is the same as always: to help me quick the social media addiction… and by that I mean Instagram. That’s where I get my quick dopamine hits and where I get most of my updates and news. I’ve been trying to stay off of it lately and have found other things to help but it’s still a struggle, especially when I know certain accounts are very active and I really love their content. However, I’m fully committed to finding the right balance and to help me with that I must remember that it’s okay if I miss something that is posted.

“If I’m meant to know it, God will make sure I get the information.” This has been the motto I’ve been trying to adopt in recent weeks. Every time the monkey on my back is bugging me to check this or that to make sure I don’t miss something “important”, I try to remind myself this motto. “No,” my inner monologue begins, “I don’t need to check anything. If I’m meant to know it, the news will get to me somehow.” I still fail but I’m trying and I will continue to try until I find a healthier balance and re-train my brain to only seek the good, the true, and the beautiful.

And with that, I’m ending today’s post. I have roughly 26 days to finish novel four (still untitled) before the tentative release date of May 27th so I have something to keep my mind occupied for now.

I hope y’all had a great week and have a beautiful weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

The Waiting Game

 

Ever want to move forward but something that you cannot avoid is delaying things? If so, you know exactly what I’m feeling right now.

I officially started my vocation discernment in November 2019. I started meeting with my current spiritual director (who has been the only one to guide me through this journey) in February 2020. The unofficial “minimum” of 2 years of discernment has come & gone & I’m still waiting. 

During the terrible (yet ultimately fruitful) spiritual desert I endured for months, I began questioning whether I was meant to become a consecrated virgin living in the world. There were too many obstacles & I was stagnant. I was not moving forward but I also wasn’t being knocked back. I was just… stuck. So, I wondered if I was truly meant for this vocation until my SD not only reassured me that he believed I was but also gave me the green light to move forward once I came out of the desert. 

I came out of that desert shortly before Lent began this year but I still feel stuck because of one major obstacle that is out of my hands. Well, technically, one of two if you count waiting for Archbishop Gomez to give me the green light to begin preparing myself for a consecration ceremony as an obstacle but I don’t. Before I can get to that final stage, I have one big obstacle that (at this rate) can last anywhere between another week & 1.5 years. Yeah, it’s that unpredictable. This *one* thing is absolutely necessary as it is one of the most important requirements to become a CV. I started this process months ago but it’s a slow process as it involves another (secular) institution which I have no control over. 

The waiting stinks because I’m as certain as I can be that this is my vocation without Archbishop Gomez confirming it. I’ve discerned it long enough to be sure. I’m old enough to know what I’m prepared to commit myself to for life. I’ve discerned other vocations. I’ve started wearing my Claddagh ring as a physical sign that my heart is taken by Christ. I’ve even created a Pinterest account to “pin” ideas for a consecration ceremony dress (thanks for the idea, Edith). But yet I still remain just a baby step closer than I was months ago. 

I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter how long I wait; that it will change nothing but the official status of vocation. Right now I’m a “wannabe CV”. If/when I get consecrated, I’ll belong the Order of Consecrated Virgins; one of the two(?) consecrated virgins living in the world for the Los Angeles Archdiocese. That’s it. That will be the only change. I’m already living my life as I would as a CV… but it’s that waiting to make things official that is making me a bit impatient. Ladies, is this how it feels when you want to marry your beloved but have to wait? If so, how did y’all do it? 

Perhaps I need this longer waiting period for reasons I’m currently unaware of. Do I need to grow more in my relationship with Christ? Do I need to get healthier? Are there bad habits or something I need to work on that would keep me from becoming a better CV than I would be right now? I don’t know. God only knows. I just know that I have to be patient & trust that everything will happen when it’s meant to happen; when God says it’s time. That doesn’t mean I won’t have these moments of incredible impatience but it’s something I can always offer up, right? 

Anyway, just a few discernment thoughts I wanted to share because people have been asking about my discernment lately. Please say a prayer for me as I wait to move forward. May God grant me the graces to wait with patience, to grow into the bride Christ deserves, & to keep falling deeper in love with my Beloved future Spouse (God willing).

I have about a month to finish novel four & I still have a lot to do so… time to do a little more work on that. 

I hope y’all had a beautiful octave of Easter & are enjoying the rest of Easter. We still have a couple more weeks of it so… celebrate! :)

As always, thanks for reading & God bless!

Picture: Downtown L.A., next to the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, taken by me.

I Saw the Face of the Moon for the First Time in 2 Years

I saw the face of the moon for the first time in almost two years last night & it made me tear up. I couldn’t help saying, “What a beautiful gift God has given me on the vigil of Easter.”

My Lent was beautiful yet hard. God showed me that I’m not my sins & that the mistakes I had made didn’t mean I was unlovable or doomed. Instead He showed me that I’m still His beloved daughter & He would always be waiting for me with arms wide open, as the father did for the prodigal son. There will always be hope for me, no matter how arduous the spiritual desert might be. (Side note: I’m definitely completely out of it at this point & have been for weeks.)

God showed me that the parts of myself that I loved & thought were lost forever are still within me. I just have to not let the negativity & doubts keep me down. It’s easier said than done but some of the characteristics I rediscovered should help me along the way. 

He showed me what sins, vices, & (particularly) what root sin keep tripping me up. He made me completely aware of things I either didn’t see properly or tried to excuse; things that keep me from Him. I saw what my shortcomings are & how hard of an uphill battle I have for each of them. At the same time, He showed me how these things could be combated. These battles won’t be easy & it might be a lifelong struggle to get rid of some of them but it will be worth the hard work to win the war. 

I failed at some of my Lenten sacrifices (honestly, who didn’t this year?) but I found good things about myself in those failures. I saw that I’ve begun to grow & mature in my spiritual life. I’ve become a lot more Benedictine in my everyday life & have even started to embrace moderation in all things. Those who know me well know this is nothing short of miraculous because it’s been something I’ve always struggled with. I’m very much a “go big or go home” person; I’m either all in and go 110% or I do nothing. Or, I used to. 

I saw that my failures weren’t always failures as my way of thinking has begun to shift. Instead of beating myself over not completing a self-appointed task or goal, I was able to see that I expect too much of myself… and barely anything from God. I want to control things; to do what I can to make sure I can get things done. And it doesn’t work like that. Sometimes (okay, most of the time), I need to let go and let God take care of things. I’ll do my part but I need to become a lot more dependent on Him. It makes complete sense since He is all good and knowing and I’m a sinful cotton-headed ninny-muggins who knows squat and fails all the time. Yet He will lovingly teach me what I need to know like a father does for a child. 

I need to learn to trust Him more; to be more child-like in my dependency on Him. Just like I failed in my Lenten penance to not nap (when my body & mind obviously needed it), I’m going to let go of these harsh, restrictive ideas & goals for myself. I’m going to take everything to God (and my spiritual director), take my time to discern whatever comes up, and move forward with confidence, trusting that He is leading me down the path He wants me to take. That won’t mean I won’t fall flat on my tush sometimes as I am still human but, even if I *do* fail at times, doing my best is really all I *can* do and He will love me regardless. 

I can’t possibly put into words all the graces I’ve received & all the love I’ve felt from Christ this Lenten season but I hope that the new path I unintentionally embarked on will speak for itself.

Just like I saw craters on the face of the moon for the first time since losing my eyesight almost two years ago — albeit in little chunks with help of glasses as I can only see a tiny bit out of only my left eye — I know God will continue to show me more of who I am — who I’ve always been — & how being true to myself, following His lead, & not letting others influence or dictate my thoughts & actions will lead me to a place of eternal beauty. I’m grateful for the reintroduction to myself & look forward to seeing what else God has in store for me as I move forward on this beautiful path He has set me on.

I hope you all had a fruitful Lenten season!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

The Vulnerability of Being a (Wannabe) Consecrated Virgin Who is Also Legally Blind

 

I haven’t been blogging as much as I had planned because I’m in full-on writing and editing more. With the May 27, 2022 tentative publication date for novel four, I’m trying to get everything ready. The cover is ready, I just need to choose the title. The manuscript is getting cleaned up and fleshed out a bit more. It’s been exciting and a little nerve-wrecking at the same time.

In all that wonderful busyness, I finally got the official written diagnosis from my neuro-ophthalmologist: I am officially diagnosed as being legally blind. I’ve known of the permanence of my condition since November but I hadn’t heard the term “legally blind” used until last week. It was expected but it also hit me hard.

Saying that I’m visually impaired is one thing. It sounds less severe despite my condition (bilateral optic nerve atrophy) being serious. Saying that I’m legally blind has left me feeling very humbled and vulnerable.

A few days ago there was a shooting in my apartment building. Within minutes there were helicopters overhead and nearly a dozen policemen swarming our area of the building. I don’t know what happened — we tend to keep to ourselves and later find out when neighbors talk about it — but it was just the latest incident that made me think about my safety. (Side note: my mother’s near-assault two weeks ago was the first thing that triggered these thoughts.)

We live in a world that is becoming more and more hostile and violent… and that scares me. As a woman living in a working class neighborhood that often sees women being mugged, it’s concerning. As a young woman who is visually

Impaired, that fear gets multiplied exponentially. As a legally blind young woman living in a not-so-great neighborhood who is discerning consecrated virginity, that fear has hit a level I didn’t know existed. 

While there were safety concerns before — and a big reason why I don’t write or talk about it as much online anymore — it’s become something that is always present in mind. The addition of having the label of being legally blind really put a spotlight on those fears and I can’t look away. 

I think the best I can do is try to learn how to protect myself and rely heavily on my Guardian Angel and (hopefully) future Spouse for that protection. I know that those who aren’t Catholic and/or those who aren’t convinced that consecrated virginity is a legitimate vocation will think I’m absolutely nuts for putting my physical safety in the hands of those who aren’t physically next to me 24/7 but that’s what my reality will be. I can’t get myself a guard or guide dog because I won’t be able to take care of it with my physical limitations. Unless I move in with a roommate, I’m going to live on my own and that adds some vulnerability. But, either way, I will have to trust that I will protected and taken care of, even if I can’t physically see them. 

If God is calling me to be a consecrated virgin living in the world (as I believe He is), I know I will be a little more “public” than what I had wished. I always said that I would walk away from social media and writing to focus on my husband and children but God apparently has other plans for me. 

Away go the plans of a family in a traditional sense. Away go the plans of being the independent woman I’ve always been (which has been an incredible learning experience for me). Away go the plans to be an “urban hermitess”/an anchoress (thanks for the correct term, Fr. DBH). In its place: being a living sign of the Church as a CV. Having a family that goes beyond my immediate home and a Spouse who will make sure I never lack anything. Putting myself “out” there and letting go of my comfortable bubble. All of that is scary but also beautiful. 

Is there another consecrated virgin living in the world who is legally blind! I don’t know. Maybe? If not — if I’m the only one — I hope that my life shows others how beautiful and fulfilling life can be despite this vulnerability. If I’m one of others, I hope I can add to the witness of how we can still serve the Church despite having this physical limitation. Either way, I hope I do a good job despite feeling incredibly unworthy and unprepared for it. 

May God’s Will be done.

Anyway, it’s almost time for Vespers and day two of the consecration to St. Joseph renewal so I shall this post here. 

I hope you’re all doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

What Do I Have to Offer You, Lord?

“What do I have to offer You, Lord?”

This has been the question I’ve been pondering as I prepare to move forward with my vocation discernment. 

Yes, I’m still moving forward and have continued to do so despite having gone through the worst spiritual dryness I’ve ever experienced in my life and especially since my reversion in September 2006. I’ve already written about that so I won’t repeat all of that. Suffice to say, it was an incredible blessing to have endured it, even if I had an tremendously difficult time in it. 

This Lent has been very vocation and “Emmy” oriented. (For those of you who are new around here: Emmy is my nickname and is the name I used online before I began writing professionally). I didn’t plan for it to be this way. In fact, I didn’t have major plans for it because I was still coming out of the spiritual desert and, after discussing the situation with my SD, it was decided to not do too much because of the state of my spiritual life with the time. I have my Lenten penances/offerings in place but I was going to focus on keeping my spiritual life afloat and adding daily Mass to the mix, even if only streamed due to my health obstacles. 

So far, Lent has brought me back to how things were pre-pandemic lockdowns. Daily Mass (I drove to our local FSSP parish; our home parish every chance I got). Divine Office hours. Solid spiritual life. That naturally led to my vocation discernment. I really can’t say much more about that at this time because I don’t have much except that the green light to move forward is on and I’m just waiting for the formal process to begin.

Part of the process in moving forward has included asking what I can offer the Los Angeles Archdiocese and the Church in general. It’s not something that we’re required to ponder but it’s something that I’ve personally had to think about, especially since my discernment and state in life now is vastly different from what it was at the beginning. 

Losing my eyesight and having to radically change my lifestyle to fit my medical and health needs has altered what I can offer. I can’t work as an SLP (speech-language pathologist) as I had hoped and studied for due to my eyesight. I can’t volunteer to do much at my parish. I served on the hospitality committee for only a few months before lockdowns went into effect. Reflecting on that, and how I’m limited to what I can do, has had me thinking about what I can offer. 

I know God has given me two big gifts — “interpersonal intelligence” and writing. I don’t think I’m a particularly good writer (no, that is not me fishing for compliments) but I never lack work or offers to write. I also don’t know why on earth people seek my advice on things but I know that my heart feels full when I’m able to help others that way. I was considering finally taking a chance on getting a Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) license and even attended a virtual open house at my alma mater before losing my eyesight but that didn’t work out for obvious reasons.

“What can I offer You, Lord?” 

I don’t know the answer to that question. Beyond offering up my physical suffering, I don’t know what I have to offer. I’m not going to stress myself out trying to get the answer, either. Instead of pestering God for a concrete answer, I’m going to focus on taking things as they come and living in the present instead of the future like I’d always done up until recently. 

If God is truly calling me to be a consecrated virgin living in the world as I believe He is, I know the answer will be clear when it’s meant to. For now, I will continue to focus on my relationship with Christ and my prayer life as they will be the most important things in my life moving forward.

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts from this gal. :)

I hope y’all had a lovely weekend and have a great rest of the week. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless.