How I wish I could live at Clear Creek Abbey (where this picture was taken) and live a simpler and more disconnected life. Cell service is spotty and WiFi is even spottier at the monastery.
Two of my biggest struggles lately have been finding the right balance between knowing and being content with not knowing squat… and disconnecting to try to achieve the latter. Let me explain…
I’m a curious person by nature. I always have been. I want to know everything because (almost) everything fascinates me. I want to know how things work. I want to know how things affect people. I want to know how to make things better… or more efficient. Worst of all, I want to know what I can do to make the idealized version of life that I have in my mind a reality.
I read books to gain knowledge (and also to escape from reality at times). I follow people on social media who inspire me to be the best version of myself. I learn from them. I can’t seem to get enough of the former and I try to be careful of the latter since I don’t want to lose who I am to and try to fit myself in a mold of someone I’m not. Between the people I follow on social media (especially on Instagram) and the internet’s bottomless pit of information, it’s become hard for me to disconnect.
“What if I miss something important?” is the question that is perpetually on my mind.
This curiosity has gotten me into so much trouble over the years. Curiosity has led me down paths I’ve wished I’d never taken; gained knowledge that I unfortunately cannot ever forget. I think it’s been something we’ve all had to face at some point of our lives but it’s always been hard for me because of that seemingly insatiable need to know.
That curiosity led me to study many subjects in school. I changed my major no less than half a dozen times before settling on Religious Studies. I’m not saying that knowledge is bad. It’s not. Knowing helps in many situations… but sometimes it hurts. I don’t regret going to college and grad school though, if it hadn’t been for the student loan forgiveness I received due to my permanent disability (bilateral optic nerve atrophy and subsequent legal blindness), I’d still owe close to $47,000. That is a heavy financial cross to carry. And, even worse, with knowledge came pride.
I was so proud of being “well educated.” A Bachelor of Arts in Religious Studies, a Master of Arts in Biblical Theology, and a second Bachelor of Science in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education — they all looked pretty on my resume even though I didn’t finish the MA or the second Bachelor’s because I got too sick to finish them. See how I didn’t add that I didn’t finish them until the end? That was my way of thinking. I was proud (in the worst way) of knowing; of having some of those achievement under my belt.
When I reverted to Catholicism, I want to learn it all. Partly out of curiosity and partly that pride of knowing more. It was a vicious cycle.
At some point during this past Lent, it became glaringly obvious that I needed to nip this unhealthy “need” to know all in the bud. It was that curiosity that had me have some difficult conversations with my spiritual director about things that had become obstacles for me over the years that I could not, in good conscience, keep indulging if I was called to be a bride of Christ. That has led me to where I am now.
Remembering the wise words that Jordan Burke once said on his Instagram account a few months ago, there’s no need to know everything that’s going on. He was talking about how some Catholics are hyper-connected with what’s going on at the Vatican and outside and feel the need to critique or argue with others over what’s going on but it applies to life as well.
Think about all the holy men and women who’ve lived since the beginning. How many of them only knew the Word of God and managed to live a holier life than most of us? They didn’t know what was going on worldwide or even (as Christianity spread) what was happening with the Pope and/or other religious superiors. It’s not bad that we know about what’s going on but I think sometimes we go a little too far and we engross ourselves too much with what’s going on outside that we fail to take care of our own souls and the souls of those entrusted to our care.
With that mind, I’ve been trying to find ways to disconnect. It’s been a lot of trial and error (with a heavy emphasis on error, lol). I’ve found what works best for me and what doesn’t. I’ve figured out what triggers that curiosity and when it will lead to good and when it will lead to wasted time and brain space, e.g. what the Catechism says about a particular subject = good, why celebrity A is trending on Twitter = bad about 99.99% of the time.
I’m on day 7 of the Blessed Carlo Acutis novena (in celebration of his birthday) and one of my intentions is the same as always: to help me quick the social media addiction… and by that I mean Instagram. That’s where I get my quick dopamine hits and where I get most of my updates and news. I’ve been trying to stay off of it lately and have found other things to help but it’s still a struggle, especially when I know certain accounts are very active and I really love their content. However, I’m fully committed to finding the right balance and to help me with that I must remember that it’s okay if I miss something that is posted.
“If I’m meant to know it, God will make sure I get the information.” This has been the motto I’ve been trying to adopt in recent weeks. Every time the monkey on my back is bugging me to check this or that to make sure I don’t miss something “important”, I try to remind myself this motto. “No,” my inner monologue begins, “I don’t need to check anything. If I’m meant to know it, the news will get to me somehow.” I still fail but I’m trying and I will continue to try until I find a healthier balance and re-train my brain to only seek the good, the true, and the beautiful.
And with that, I’m ending today’s post. I have roughly 26 days to finish novel four (still untitled) before the tentative release date of May 27th so I have something to keep my mind occupied for now.
I hope y’all had a great week and have a beautiful weekend.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!
1 comment:
I'm right there with you! I've really noticed this about myself in the past several months, and I've taken it to Confession and been praying about it a lot...I've been thinking I may need to add my own line to the Litany of Humility, that goes something like "from the desire to gain excessive knowledge, deliver me" (or something! I'm still thinking that through). For Lent, I gave up checking news online except for a couple times on Tuesdays, and it was so freeing-I had noticed that, despite my desire to stay rooted in my local community and not get absorbed with random things online, I had been scrolling more and more through news sources, growing in my sense of despair as I saw the situations in the world. So, relegating that to a handful of minutes once a week was really great! And honestly, by the end of Lent, I barely even checked on Tuesdays, because scrolling through news stuff online just wasn't that edifying, I had found. Now that we're in Easter, I've randomly checked different news things "because I can," but I'm going to go back to only doing that once a week. For me, making some solid boundaries in that arena is very good at this point in my life as I look for ways to disconnect.
Also, I love your motto-I think that is very true, and it's something I've seen in my own life. God has found a way to make sure I get crucial information when I'm able to disconnect, and if I've missed out on a big celebrity scandal or even hearing about a fun event, I usually am not worse off because of it-the world doesn't end just because I'm not constantly "in the know" about things. Mindblowing! ;)
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