I saw the face of the moon for the first time in almost two years last night & it made me tear up. I couldn’t help saying, “What a beautiful gift God has given me on the vigil of Easter.”
My Lent was beautiful yet hard. God showed me that I’m not my sins & that the mistakes I had made didn’t mean I was unlovable or doomed. Instead He showed me that I’m still His beloved daughter & He would always be waiting for me with arms wide open, as the father did for the prodigal son. There will always be hope for me, no matter how arduous the spiritual desert might be. (Side note: I’m definitely completely out of it at this point & have been for weeks.)
God showed me that the parts of myself that I loved & thought were lost forever are still within me. I just have to not let the negativity & doubts keep me down. It’s easier said than done but some of the characteristics I rediscovered should help me along the way.
He showed me what sins, vices, & (particularly) what root sin keep tripping me up. He made me completely aware of things I either didn’t see properly or tried to excuse; things that keep me from Him. I saw what my shortcomings are & how hard of an uphill battle I have for each of them. At the same time, He showed me how these things could be combated. These battles won’t be easy & it might be a lifelong struggle to get rid of some of them but it will be worth the hard work to win the war.
I failed at some of my Lenten sacrifices (honestly, who didn’t this year?) but I found good things about myself in those failures. I saw that I’ve begun to grow & mature in my spiritual life. I’ve become a lot more Benedictine in my everyday life & have even started to embrace moderation in all things. Those who know me well know this is nothing short of miraculous because it’s been something I’ve always struggled with. I’m very much a “go big or go home” person; I’m either all in and go 110% or I do nothing. Or, I used to.
I saw that my failures weren’t always failures as my way of thinking has begun to shift. Instead of beating myself over not completing a self-appointed task or goal, I was able to see that I expect too much of myself… and barely anything from God. I want to control things; to do what I can to make sure I can get things done. And it doesn’t work like that. Sometimes (okay, most of the time), I need to let go and let God take care of things. I’ll do my part but I need to become a lot more dependent on Him. It makes complete sense since He is all good and knowing and I’m a sinful cotton-headed ninny-muggins who knows squat and fails all the time. Yet He will lovingly teach me what I need to know like a father does for a child.
I need to learn to trust Him more; to be more child-like in my dependency on Him. Just like I failed in my Lenten penance to not nap (when my body & mind obviously needed it), I’m going to let go of these harsh, restrictive ideas & goals for myself. I’m going to take everything to God (and my spiritual director), take my time to discern whatever comes up, and move forward with confidence, trusting that He is leading me down the path He wants me to take. That won’t mean I won’t fall flat on my tush sometimes as I am still human but, even if I *do* fail at times, doing my best is really all I *can* do and He will love me regardless.
I can’t possibly put into words all the graces I’ve received & all the love I’ve felt from Christ this Lenten season but I hope that the new path I unintentionally embarked on will speak for itself.
Just like I saw craters on the face of the moon for the first time since losing my eyesight almost two years ago — albeit in little chunks with help of glasses as I can only see a tiny bit out of only my left eye — I know God will continue to show me more of who I am — who I’ve always been — & how being true to myself, following His lead, & not letting others influence or dictate my thoughts & actions will lead me to a place of eternal beauty. I’m grateful for the reintroduction to myself & look forward to seeing what else God has in store for me as I move forward on this beautiful path He has set me on.
I hope you all had a fruitful Lenten season!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!
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