Ever want to move forward but something that you cannot avoid is delaying things? If so, you know exactly what I’m feeling right now.
I officially started my vocation discernment in November 2019. I started meeting with my current spiritual director (who has been the only one to guide me through this journey) in February 2020. The unofficial “minimum” of 2 years of discernment has come & gone & I’m still waiting.
During the terrible (yet ultimately fruitful) spiritual desert I endured for months, I began questioning whether I was meant to become a consecrated virgin living in the world. There were too many obstacles & I was stagnant. I was not moving forward but I also wasn’t being knocked back. I was just… stuck. So, I wondered if I was truly meant for this vocation until my SD not only reassured me that he believed I was but also gave me the green light to move forward once I came out of the desert.
I came out of that desert shortly before Lent began this year but I still feel stuck because of one major obstacle that is out of my hands. Well, technically, one of two if you count waiting for Archbishop Gomez to give me the green light to begin preparing myself for a consecration ceremony as an obstacle but I don’t. Before I can get to that final stage, I have one big obstacle that (at this rate) can last anywhere between another week & 1.5 years. Yeah, it’s that unpredictable. This *one* thing is absolutely necessary as it is one of the most important requirements to become a CV. I started this process months ago but it’s a slow process as it involves another (secular) institution which I have no control over.
The waiting stinks because I’m as certain as I can be that this is my vocation without Archbishop Gomez confirming it. I’ve discerned it long enough to be sure. I’m old enough to know what I’m prepared to commit myself to for life. I’ve discerned other vocations. I’ve started wearing my Claddagh ring as a physical sign that my heart is taken by Christ. I’ve even created a Pinterest account to “pin” ideas for a consecration ceremony dress (thanks for the idea, Edith). But yet I still remain just a baby step closer than I was months ago.
I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter how long I wait; that it will change nothing but the official status of vocation. Right now I’m a “wannabe CV”. If/when I get consecrated, I’ll belong the Order of Consecrated Virgins; one of the two(?) consecrated virgins living in the world for the Los Angeles Archdiocese. That’s it. That will be the only change. I’m already living my life as I would as a CV… but it’s that waiting to make things official that is making me a bit impatient. Ladies, is this how it feels when you want to marry your beloved but have to wait? If so, how did y’all do it?
Perhaps I need this longer waiting period for reasons I’m currently unaware of. Do I need to grow more in my relationship with Christ? Do I need to get healthier? Are there bad habits or something I need to work on that would keep me from becoming a better CV than I would be right now? I don’t know. God only knows. I just know that I have to be patient & trust that everything will happen when it’s meant to happen; when God says it’s time. That doesn’t mean I won’t have these moments of incredible impatience but it’s something I can always offer up, right?
Anyway, just a few discernment thoughts I wanted to share because people have been asking about my discernment lately. Please say a prayer for me as I wait to move forward. May God grant me the graces to wait with patience, to grow into the bride Christ deserves, & to keep falling deeper in love with my Beloved future Spouse (God willing).
I have about a month to finish novel four & I still have a lot to do so… time to do a little more work on that.
I hope y’all had a beautiful octave of Easter & are enjoying the rest of Easter. We still have a couple more weeks of it so… celebrate! :)
As always, thanks for reading & God bless!
Picture: Downtown L.A., next to the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, taken by me.
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