I haven’t been blogging as much as I had planned because I’m in full-on writing and editing more. With the May 27, 2022 tentative publication date for novel four, I’m trying to get everything ready. The cover is ready, I just need to choose the title. The manuscript is getting cleaned up and fleshed out a bit more. It’s been exciting and a little nerve-wrecking at the same time.
In all that wonderful busyness, I finally got the official written diagnosis from my neuro-ophthalmologist: I am officially diagnosed as being legally blind. I’ve known of the permanence of my condition since November but I hadn’t heard the term “legally blind” used until last week. It was expected but it also hit me hard.
Saying that I’m visually impaired is one thing. It sounds less severe despite my condition (bilateral optic nerve atrophy) being serious. Saying that I’m legally blind has left me feeling very humbled and vulnerable.
A few days ago there was a shooting in my apartment building. Within minutes there were helicopters overhead and nearly a dozen policemen swarming our area of the building. I don’t know what happened — we tend to keep to ourselves and later find out when neighbors talk about it — but it was just the latest incident that made me think about my safety. (Side note: my mother’s near-assault two weeks ago was the first thing that triggered these thoughts.)
We live in a world that is becoming more and more hostile and violent… and that scares me. As a woman living in a working class neighborhood that often sees women being mugged, it’s concerning. As a young woman who is visually
Impaired, that fear gets multiplied exponentially. As a legally blind young woman living in a not-so-great neighborhood who is discerning consecrated virginity, that fear has hit a level I didn’t know existed.
While there were safety concerns before — and a big reason why I don’t write or talk about it as much online anymore — it’s become something that is always present in mind. The addition of having the label of being legally blind really put a spotlight on those fears and I can’t look away.
I think the best I can do is try to learn how to protect myself and rely heavily on my Guardian Angel and (hopefully) future Spouse for that protection. I know that those who aren’t Catholic and/or those who aren’t convinced that consecrated virginity is a legitimate vocation will think I’m absolutely nuts for putting my physical safety in the hands of those who aren’t physically next to me 24/7 but that’s what my reality will be. I can’t get myself a guard or guide dog because I won’t be able to take care of it with my physical limitations. Unless I move in with a roommate, I’m going to live on my own and that adds some vulnerability. But, either way, I will have to trust that I will protected and taken care of, even if I can’t physically see them.
If God is calling me to be a consecrated virgin living in the world (as I believe He is), I know I will be a little more “public” than what I had wished. I always said that I would walk away from social media and writing to focus on my husband and children but God apparently has other plans for me.
Away go the plans of a family in a traditional sense. Away go the plans of being the independent woman I’ve always been (which has been an incredible learning experience for me). Away go the plans to be an “urban hermitess”/an anchoress (thanks for the correct term, Fr. DBH). In its place: being a living sign of the Church as a CV. Having a family that goes beyond my immediate home and a Spouse who will make sure I never lack anything. Putting myself “out” there and letting go of my comfortable bubble. All of that is scary but also beautiful.
Is there another consecrated virgin living in the world who is legally blind! I don’t know. Maybe? If not — if I’m the only one — I hope that my life shows others how beautiful and fulfilling life can be despite this vulnerability. If I’m one of others, I hope I can add to the witness of how we can still serve the Church despite having this physical limitation. Either way, I hope I do a good job despite feeling incredibly unworthy and unprepared for it.
May God’s Will be done.
Anyway, it’s almost time for Vespers and day two of the consecration to St. Joseph renewal so I shall this post here.
I hope you’re all doing well!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!
2 comments:
Hey Melissa, this is CollingWest from Twitter, the one who posted a picture of my husband at a write-in. He was low-vision (legally blind, but using super large print) at birth and has been blind since his late teens; he now no longer even has light perception and uses a white can and screen readers. When we met, he lived in a not-so-nice apartment complex.
Now, he had some advantage since he is very visibly male, but it was interesting that his neighbors all looked out for him despite being sometimes less-than-savory themselves. (We're pretty sure that one sold drugs out of his apartment.) When I came into his life, they even vetted me out a little bit to make sure I wasn't taking advantage of him!
After we married and he moved in with me, the same thing happened -- neighbors doing little things to make the environment easier for him, people being willing to give him a hand if he was visibly having trouble, others just kind of keeping an eye on him.
My point is that sometimes it's the very vulnerability that forces you to move further into the community, but that that can be a good thing particularly in your case. As a couple, we're preparing to discern a Third Order, and the only talk that has come up has been about electronic versions of the printed materials (so that he can run them through his screen reader). We later found out he's not the first blind person in the Order.
It's still difficult, so I'll keep praying. But know that what you desire isn't impossible, and that there are folks out here who are keeping track and caring about you. God bless.
Thank you so much for that ray of hope! It sounds like your husband had great neighbors. Mine are a mixed bag and I, apart from my next-door neighbor, I can’t really count on them in a pinch. We’ve seen that during emergencies and even when we need a hand with something. But that’s okay. I know God will help me find the community I need when I need it.
Thank you for the prayers; y’all will be in mine as well!
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