The Reason Why I've Been Asking for Prayers for Mom and I

I’ve been asking for vague prayers for Mom and I over the last week or so via social media. Not even my closest friends really knew what was going. I was a little apprehensive about saying what it was regarding because I didn’t want people to think I was seeking attention, wanting pity for myself and the situation, or (worse) think I was trying to use emotional manipulation for donations.

Earlier this week, I felt like God was telling me to let go of my pride; the same pride instilled in me by my parents who always told me to never ask anyone for anything, especially money. I saw that it was partially pride that kept me from saying anything, so I started telling some of my closest friends what was going on. Most immediately offered to help, financially, but I still couldn't let go of that pride so I decline. Only two didn't listen to me and one of them covered what was most vital: food.

The truth is that my mother and I are in a bad way, financially. What we didn’t anticipate happening when my health took a nosedive in June was that I wouldn't be able to work as much. We were making ends meet but as soon as my productivity dropped, so did our ability to keep on top of our finances. Being partially blinded and unable to look at screens for more than a couple of minutes at a time most days is a freelance writer’s worst nightmare. I even wrote this post in chunks through both cell phone and laptop as the laptop is harder on my eyes.

My best friends knew I was planning on moving earlier this year. In fact, if I hadn't gotten sick (to the point where I can't even make myself food), I would be living in a different state right now. However, God's plans for me were different. Instead, I got sick and then I had to drain my savings completely in order to help Mom afford rent, bills, and food. Unfortunately, it’s gotten to the point where we might not even be able to afford rent much longer (they increased it by 4% last month and L.A. is notoriously expensive so you can imagine the cost). We were also worried about not having money for food until one of my best friends generously covered our groceries for the final week of the month.

Yes, it's been that bad. And, yes, I kept that hidden from friends for months. That's right, months. We had to have a cousin loan us money last month to be able to pay rent.. and since we had to pay her back this month, that made affording food more difficult. It's that bad, y'all. Since my mom is set to retire in a couple of months (and since I'm obviously not getting married or leaving home anytime soon), we've (as a family) have been looking to move somewhere more affordable as soon as we can. First, somewhere locally until my mom retires, and then possibly out of state.

My good friend, and editor of my first two novels, Kiera, knew our situation and set up a GoFundMe account to either be able to repair my current car (which needs a lot of work) or get myself a new (to me) car since mine has been breaking down often since last year. We keep putting a lot of money into repairs but things continue to break down since my car is a 1998 Honda Civic and most of the parts were original when I bought it almost 9 years ago.

As long-time readers of this blog may know, I drive my Mom to work at 4 a.m five days a week since she doesn't drive. Since we live in a shady neighborhood and there’s no immediate public transportation access that won’t put her safety at risk at 3-4 a.m., it's been a sacrifice I've been making since shortly before my father passed away (he used to drive her to work).

I know that the $5,000 goal Kiera is aiming for seems a lot but I think she did it because she'd rather see me get a new car than keep putting more money (repairs will be in the lower end of four digits) into my little Honda; the same car that, well, hasn't been the same since my car accident over 4 years ago. I'm trusting God to provide for either a new (to me) car or, the very at least, enough for basic repairs that will keep the car running for now since we can’t afford (literally) for Mom to keep taking Uber to work. We can barely afford food, how can we afford Uber?

For those who say, "Well, why don't you just work harder?" (and, yes, it's been asked), it's simple: if I could put in extra work, I would. If I could just spend all day writing for various websites and publications... or even get a job outside the house, I would! But my health isn't letting me. Let's put my eyesight and freelance writing aside. I'm too physically spent to work outside the house. In fact (only a handful of people knew this... until now), I'm so sick that I'm actually underweight by half a dozen pounds. I went from 128 lbs to 114 lbs in 4 months. My body is so spent and my diet is so restricted that I fall asleep even when eating some days. I'm that sick. There's no other way to say it.

Someone else asked, "Why are you asking for prayers when you need is money?" The reason why I asked for prayers (before Kiera set up the GoFundMe account) was that I knew God would provide somehow. Again, partial pride was to blame for not asking for money, but I also understand that there are people worse off than we are. I knew that thanks to everyone's prayers, we would either get the funds through work for me (meaning He would give me the physical strength and eyesight to work) or through some other means. Since my eyesight is still horrible (I woke up blind in my right eye twice this morning; I took a nap, which is why I say twice) and they won't give Mom overtime or even a raise, I guess God will provide this way.

I don't expect to reach the $5,000 mark... or even the $1,000 mark. I know that if it's God's will that I get a new car, He'll make sure it happens. I also know that if it's His will that we keep our car and only get enough for the repairs for it, it'll happen. Either way, I've put the situation in His hands. I've also been praying a novena to St. Philomena asking her to intercede so that I can get to Mass more often to fulfill part of my Benedictine oblate responsibilities (and, of course, the car broke down as soon as I started praying for that, lol) and I know that her intercession will also come through for me.

Swallowing any pride I may have left, I'm going to say this: if you feel a tug in your heart to do so, please consider helping out. Any little bit helps. If I could work for it, I would but I can't and we're in a desperate situation. If you can’t donate or share the link, please say a prayer for us. I know God will provide somehow and for what we need, not what we may want.

Anyway, that's it for now. My eyes keep watering from looking at the laptop screen for so long and I want to give them a rest.

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

A Week Without Social Media: Coming to Terms With My Insignificance

Just a quick note before I begin: I've decided to modify my blogging days during Lent. I'll be blogging every day, Mondays through Fridays, with the weekend off to catch up on anything left over from the week (e.g. emails). That way I don't burn myself out writing, too.

I know some of you are wondering how it's been now that I've gone a full week without social media. Has it been hard? Has it been easy? Did I crack yet? Was I able to go through with my plans to avoid social media on Sundays as well? Y'all... it's only been a week! lol. Having said that, I've had some interesting insights that may change the way I use social media from now on.

In all honesty, it's been an adjustment I've needed to get used to but it's far easier than I had anticipated. I've been using Facebook since 2004, when it was called The Facebook and you needed a college/university email to join the site (Santa Monica College alum over here). Before that, I used Myspace from their early days (2003) until about my reversion in 2006. I've been an active Twitter user since January 2008, with only a couple of months off in late 2017.

Social media has been a part of my life for my entire adult life -- nearly 16 years and counting. I was 18 years in 2003 when Myspace began. I was 19 when I joined Facebook in 2004. I joined Twitter as a 22-year-old. Basically, my late teens into early 30s have been spent using social media to communicate with others... and meet new friends. Still, it wasn't until perhaps my early to mid-20s when "Catholic Twitter" began that the addiction took hold.

I'm not blaming Catholic Twitter for my social media addiction. Enough research has been made to present us the cold, hard facts that social media and smartphone developers have purposely "brain hacked" us into becoming addicted to both. I have books I can recommend if you want to read for yourself but a quick Google search will bring up some of the articles for those who don't want or have the time to read long books on the subject.

I have so many fond memories of the OG Catholic Twitter members and of Matthew Warner compiling a list of all of few "openly Catholic" accounts on Twitter. So many of us met offline. Some of my now-best friends were people I met in those early days. Some of these people met, fell in love, and married thanks to early Catholic Twitter days. As the years passed, so many of the "OG" members have abandoned the platform because of all the drama. For those of us who were around in the early days (2008-2010), we know how much different it was then; how we miss the "golden age of Catholic Twitter."

Being away from social media this week, I was surprised at how, well, comfortable I felt without it. It was like going back home. It's sort of like when you revisit somewhere or something you used to love as a child and you have all those wonderful memories of it flooding back to you. That's how it feels.

In fact, I had this moment while praying the Rosary when these words flowed out of mind and heart. I wrote them down on a piece of paper on Saturday night because I felt they were important for me to remember later on.

"This break without social media, as well as the regular blogging, reminds me of my early reversion days; how hungry I was for the faith and for being "all in" in my relationship with God. Becoming an urban hermit is giving me a renewal of faith I haven't felt in a long time. I've been on Twitter since January '08; 11 years. I may keep my acccount as is (now) long after Lent, maybe checking my messages and replies 1-2 times a month."

It's amazing. This no social media and regular blogging has reminded me of my early reversion days (circa 2006 - 2008). In those days, I went by Miss CNW (Catholic Nerd Writer) and was anonymous. I wrote about my experience returning to the Faith after being away from the Church from ages 13 through 21. As I wrote in the note to myself, I had a real hunger to completely devote myself to learning as much as I could about the faith. Since I was anonymous online, I didn't have this immense pressure (which, admittedly, I put on myself) to be this "perfect Catholic." It was just me and this new, exciting journey in which I devoted myself to rebuilding my relationship with God.

Somewhere along the line, I lost sight of that. I became more preoccupied with doing things "the right way" because I wanted to live up to people's (or my own) unrealistic expectations of what I was supposed to be like or how I was supposed to behave. Y'all may know what I mean: you try to present the positive aspects while covering the ugly. I've written the good and bad but the ego and the "likes" on social media definitely affected how I used social media as well as what I blogged about.

(Side note: If you ever wondered what life was pre-social media addiction, my first novel, Will and Lina: When Two Worlds Collide, is loosely based on what my adventures were like... minus a Will. Also, the sequel, Will and Lina: London Calling, is more fiction than truth. And, no, I get no commission -- aside from royalty payments -- if you click on those links and order either books. Just normal links to novels.)

Taking a break from social media and regularly blogging has been a much-needed breath of fresh air for me. It has renewed that fire in my soul to detach myself from the world, reform my prideful ways, and devote myself to God as much as possible without becoming a religious sister (not my vocation).

Of course, I can never recreate what my early reversion days were like. I will never be that wide-eyed, unjaded 21-22-year-old who had a lot of learning to do. I'm now a 33-year-old young woman who knows more about the beauty and glory of the Church but still have so much left to learn. Since I began my blog, I've graduated from college... I've gone after two more degrees... I've suffered personal highs and lows... I've lost my father to cancer. All of that has changed who I am, but perhaps not as drastically as what social media has done to me.

I honestly don't want to return to social media... though I know I have to keep using it for work. I may just check my messages once a week or twice a month but I can't imagine ever going back. I think both the influence of my best friend (who logs into social once every couple of months and just to check any mentions) and the Holy Spirit opening my eyes have gotten me to this place. Of course, I know the "danger" of that is that people will stop following my accounts because, "Well, if she's not going to read my tweets or interact with me, why should I keep following her?" However -- and I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful -- I don't care.

I don't care if I lose followers on social media. The "likes" and "retweets" will no longer have any sway with me. Frankly, my pride would be wounded... and that would be completely wonderful because it would remind me that I'm nobody important or special. I'm just an ordinary young woman who likes to write. That's it.

My life is nothing extraordinary. In fact, it's absolutely dull. I completely appreciate that you, lovely readers, take time out of your days to read my ramblings but I feel like I don't have much to offer that is unique. There are so many other writers who are better than I am; who have better content to offer.

I recognize that God has given me a gift for writing and words because I've had people telling me that... but I don't want to get caught up in thinking about it. If I do, that's when pride creeps in and it spoils the gift God has given me. And, no, I'm not saying this as a way to fish for compliments. It's just how I feel.

So, how am I feeling a week into my "no social media" Lenten penance? Wonderful! It feels like I've been freed from being a slave to it. It has been, without a doubt, the best decision that I've made in recent months. I won't go back to using social media as I used to. I don't want the egoism, the drama, or the poor decisions made using social media. The penance part is all interior -- reminding myself of my unworthiness and insignificance in the world because, let's be honest, the numbers go to our heads... or, at the very least, they did to me.

We'll see how things go next week because this week begins the second phase of my social media and smartphone "break-up." Wish me luck. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and that you have a great week!

As always, thank you so much for reading!

The End of the "Nerdwriter" Era

(Happy 100th anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun! This is the third of the three-part series I started last weekend.)

"Yes, I did."

"I'm fine."

"It was a long time coming."

These are a few of the responses I gave to those who asked about my (now defunct) @nerdwriter Twitter account in the first couple of hours and days after I deleted it. What, you didn't know? You hadn't noticed? That's what I had hoped and expected.

Most of you know I have a serious love-hate relationship with social media, especially Twitter. Just search "social media" on this blog's search button and you'll see plenty of posts on it. For months, I'd been considering deleting the account due to several reasons, all negative. As I said in the last blog post, I've been praying to become more detached of worldly things (which I firmly believe was why I was tempted with returning to my former life earlier this year; lots of superficiality in the entertainment business) since the 54-day Rosary novena last year. I've made some strides in that area but I decided to ask once more, during the St. Therese novena. I wasn't sure why the intention came to mind (at the time) but it did so I went with it. I had no clue that it would lead me to delete my nearly decade-long Twitter account.

I opened up my Twitter account in January 2008. I never changed the username. I rarely changed the avatar/picture. I became known as the "nerdwriter" before Evan (the famous "nerdwriter" from YouTube) did since I've had "nerdwriter" as my username in various places since my reversion in 2006. It became part of my identity. I met so many wonderful people through Twitter. I hope that I used it to spread some goodness out into the world during those 9+ years that I had it. Lots of prayer requests... lots of love and support during difficult times... and lots of good conversations.

All but one person have asked me "why?" Why did I do it? I would vaguely reply that there were so many reasons but it all boils down to it being the best option for me; one that became clear last week. Here comes the most humbling part (for me) of this post: giving you the real reasons why I deleted the account.

I was becoming vain about the account. "Look at all my followers!" "Look at all those 'favorites' and retweets!" I would try to think of witty things to tweet to get more retweets; to try to keep up with the (far more) clever folks on Twitter. If I thought something was clever and no one (or a handful of people) liked it, I'd be bummed out. While I tried to stay on the site to try to help spread good, my vanity was flattered more than was healthy... especially when I had some compliments that were (perhaps) more harmful than helpful for me. This was just the tip of the iceberg of all the negativity that social media has brought into my life so, you know, "If your hand or your foot should be your downfall, cut it off and throw it away: it is better for you to enter into life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire." (Mt 18:8)

Jealousy reared its ugly head. I would get constant reminders that other writers (some of who've been blogging or on social media less time than me) were getting so much success while I could barely find freelance work outside the Catholic world. I tried to not be competitive about it but the constant reminders (which were also good because it humbled me) fed into my own doubts of being good enough. The devil knows how to attack, especially when it comes to your self-esteem. I'm so happy for those who have success... but it makes me sad that I've been at this for longer with no/little success. See why this is problematic? The comparison to others (whether I did it on my own or whether it was shoved into my face by others) is so unhealthy and it made me not think about the gifts that God has given me. What ingratitude jealousy was bringing out in me.

Anger seeped out into my offline life. You can't talk about social media without mentioning disagreements and anger. How people treated each other -- what they said about others -- made me angry. What people said about Catholics (and even the infighting on Catholic Twitter) upset me. Arguments I wasn't initially a part of but was dragged into ticked me off. Comments about how I'm this and that... how I fail to do this and that... They hurt. Look, I'm human. Negative comments affect me, probably more than others because I'm admittedly a very sensitive person. At first, they used to make me cry because they hurt. Then, somewhere along the way, sadness became anger that lasted for only a short while. That developed into unhealthy anger that lasted all day and affected how I interacted with my mom, friends, and neighbors offline (read: grumpy, irritable Emmy for the rest of the day). Those who've known me for years know this is me at my worst; Twitter brought out the worst in me.

It became an addiction that took over my life. I tried moderation but I couldn't do it. I thought I could do it but I obviously couldn't. I would take breaks (during Lent or whenever I felt I needed a break) but I would still log in because it was a compulsion. I thought I was immune to FOMO (fear of missing out) -- and I did have good stretches in which it wasn't an issue -- but ultimately, it was too much for me. I used the excuse that it was the way I socialized when I couldn't leave the house... which is nearly every day. What an excuse to keep the addiction alive, eh? I would check Twitter multiple times a day, even if I didn't post anything. I woke up and immediately checked Twitter. When I had a study break, I would procrastinate on Twitter until it was too late (and I was too tired) to continue studying. I would check Twitter twice "just in case" before I went to bed. Step away from the Twitter, Emmy!

I failed to love others and be as charitable as I should have been. This isn't just a problem for me; it's a problem that nearly (if not) all of us face when we use social media, especially on a platform as massive and divisive as Twitter. There was a lot of criticism (even if it's just done internally), a lot of griping; complaining about things others said that bothered me. Because I'm so perfect, you know. /sarcasm. Basically, I was doing a lousy job of loving my neighbor. I don't want to keep adding to that list when I go to the confessional. It's personally much easier for me to be more patient and give others the benefit of the doubt away from Twitter.

Of course, deleting the account wasn't easy, even in spite of knowing that it was bad for me. I didn't want to delete the account because I had developed an unhealthy attachment to my nerdwriter "brand." I was worried someone would take over my username once they knew it was available and get me in trouble. I was worried that people would stop reading this blog because they weren't getting linked updates. I was worried that my friends would forget about me, dooming me to further social isolation that would send me into depression. Stupid, silly fears, I (now) know.

I reached the point where I thought, "How about worrying about the stuff that mattered?" "How about taking another step towards repairing my relationship with God by cutting off what was being harmful to my soul?" "How about recognizing what my faults are (instead of criticizing or judging others) in order to work on my interior life?" (Mt 7:1-5, anyone?) It was at this point where I knew Twitter was history... and that I needed to delete it. That's why one of my last tweets was asking for prayers to find the courage to do something that was hard but necessary.

The first person I told of my plans to delete Twitter was my mother. Of course, she supported me because she was a firsthand witness to how much Twitter affected me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I waited a while before I broke it to the friends who know me the best. I was planning on waiting until November 1st to delete my account until a trusted friend (who is a seminarian) suggested I do it right then and there. No announcement, just deletion. I thought about it and it made sense to me. It would keep me from having my ego stroked by people who might tell me they would miss me or might try to convince me to stay. I did tell a couple of people (in private) whom I trusted but, overall, nearly no one knew I was going to do it. Then, I did it. Odds are, you probably didn't even notice until now because I'm writing about it.

Deleting Twitter was predictable (yet surprisingly) freeing. Remember how I mentioned that I wanted to become detached from worldly things? This was one of the biggest culprits; one of those things that kept me attached to many earthly and superficial things and feelings. I was too attached to how people thought of me. I was too attached to my "brand." I had become too attached the addiction... to the things that fed my egoism... to being "known" (even though, let's me real, I wasn't really "known.")

I thought about Sr. Mary Magdalene of the Divine Heart (formerly known as Channing Dale) who gave up her podcast and social media accounts to enter the Discalced Carmelites Nuns in Elysburg, PA a couple of years ago. She wished to be forgotten in the world but I haven't been able to because she was the first person who I knew (even if it was through social media) who wanted to give everything up for God. I still pray for her every single night and I know that she prays for me.

I thought about Br. Joseph of the Holy Family (formerly known as Mike Gannon) who, like his best friend, Sr. Mary Magdalene, gave up his accounts when he entered the Discalced Carmelites Friars of Holy Hill in Wisconsin. He briefly returned to the world of social media but gave up his accounts once again in recent months. He, like Sr. Mary Magdalene and other religious, have an immensely fulfilling life without the need of social media. (side note: I've had the immense privilege of counting him as a pen pal for a couple of years so I, at least, have that as a way to keep in touch with this great young man.)

I thought about three very inspiring women (one who I have the honor of calling one fo my best friend) who are three of the most social media-detached people I have the pleasure of knowing. One of them doesn't have a Twitter account (nor has she ever had one) and the other two rarely use it. They do have Instagram and Facebook accounts but their posts aren't frivolous and, while all three are very different, they both inspire me to grow closer to God. They share the beauty God has blessed us with, both in pictures and in words. Two are wives and mothers, one is a fellow single gal. One is known in Catholic social media circles while the other two aren't. I actually told my bestie (who hasn't tweeted in several weeks) and she was happy with my decision because, as she said, stepping away from Twitter makes her feel a lot better and helps remind her to live the life God wills for her without comparing herself to others. Amen, my sister (in Christ)!

When I asked God to help me become more detached to the world, I meant it... and, to this day, I still mean it. I want to do good, even if it goes unnoticed. Like Sr. Mary Magdalene and my friend who doesn't have Twitter, I want to live my life with simple honesty (and occasionally hidden from the world) and glorify God with my efforts. Like Br. Joseph and my friend with Twitter, I want to occasionally be out in the world and do some good for His greater glory. Like my bestie, I want to do God's will and if that means stepping away from social media than I must do that.

The best way I could think of "resetting" my interior life -- to remember just how unimportant I am and to eliminate those things which could continue leading me astray -- was to delete Twitter. THAT is ultimately why I deleted the @nerdwriter account; it became just another obstacle that kept me from growing in my relationship with God and that kept me from living a life worthy of Heaven. I'm sure there are other reasons that I can't see right now, but when I made the decision I had the feeling that when I looked at it, in hindsight, I would see that it was for the best.

It's been less than a week since I've written (and added) to this blog post (wrote most of it on the 7th but added to it on the 11th) but you can already see the immediate change. I just asked my mother and she confirmed that I'm less stressed, less irritable, and a lot more calmed and relaxed. She said, "you can just see it on your face/in your being." I think that, alone, is worth losing my username and that part of my identity.

I became "nerdwriter" upon my reversion to the faith, 11 years ago. As of now, I only have "nerdwriter" as a username on Last.fm and Goodreads because I can't change it on those sites. Otherwise, the username will never be used by me on any other social media platform. I don't plan on ever having a "public" Twitter account, especially not at the capacity I once had it. I will keep this blog's FB page open because I love interacting with y'all and you can always leave me comments on here; I'm not fully cutting myself off from y'all! I do have "catholicnerdwriter" as my username and as part of the title of this blog because I'm still Catholic, I'm still a massive nerd, and I'm still going to write; I'm just retiring the username from social media.

As I start this new chapter in my life -- which I hope means that I'm maturing in both my personal life and in my faith -- the "nerdwriter" chapter has officially closed. It's the end of that era... and I couldn't be more excited to see what the future holds! I look forward to seeing the fruits of this decision and (mostly) seeing what God has in store for me, in all areas of my life.

That's it for now. I hope some of you aren't too upset with me; I made sure everyone had a way of contacting me if they needed to. I will try to blog more often, especially now with one less (massive) time waster in my life. Back to the basics... even if no one ever reads this blog again. lol. :)

I hope you had a lovely work-week and have found a way to celebrate today's wonderful anniversary! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Why I Decided to Share This Decision With You

I wasn't going to do it. I was going to wait until I was finished to drop the big surprise on everyone. On this blog, I've talked about a "new chapter" and a new long-time project but very few (we're talking probably a handful of) people knew what I was talking about it. Then last week happened and God made me see that I'd made my decision to not say anything partly out of fear of failing horribly and partly due to pride. What a prideful moment I would've had in telling y'all that I (God willing) finished something this big. However, I could feel God telling me, "Share it. You could use the prayers. No lady is an island." So, here it goes...

I returned to Utah State to finish my second Bachelor of Science in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education late last month. It was not a decision I made on a whim nor one that I took lightly. As some of you may remember, I felt like I had no clarity about what I was meant to do with my life at that time. When I made the decision to take a leave of absence in early May, I thought I was done. I thought I wasn't going to return to finish the degree... yet something in me didn't want me to leave the school completely. I asked for some time off while I figured things out. I didn't want to burden myself with more student loans and I had a slew of other reasons to not continue... except that I had one good reason to continue: it seems to be what God is calling me to do.

I actually took nearly an entire month to be sure that it was what God was calling me to do. I did a couple of novenas but the one that really gave me a huge result was the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena Mom and I made for both my health and my clarity of mind since both were answered within a week of each other.

It started with getting those amazing health results towards the end of May. Then I had this big "Eureka!" moment during which I felt like God opened my eyes. I was honest with myself about what I wanted; what I felt called to do. It was when I honestly said (and told some of my closest friends) that I felt like my future will be me focusing on my family and not so much a career that I figured everything else out. In order to do what I feel called to do, I need to pay off my student loans... and what better way to do that than with a career that is in demand, especially for someone who is fluent in both English and Spanish? Not only that, I will learn to work with children, with whom I don't have a lot of experience with since most of my friends have moved away and I don't get a lot of time with my nieces and/or nephews.

I forgot who said it -- possibly St. Francis de Sales or Bl. PGF -- but I remember reading a saint's own words about how sometimes we need to do what feels like a chore in order to be able to get to what we feel called to do. St. Therese of Lisieux had to wait a while before she could enter the convent. Other saints have had to do other things before they were able to begin fulfilling their vocations. I am no saint (though I aspire to be one someday) but knowing that those much holier than I have had to wait and have had to do work they didn't want to do (and offer it up along the way) in order to achieve their goal made me want to push forward.

I'm not going to pretend that my career path was chosen solely out of selflessness because that would be dishonest. Don't get me wrong, I actually like this career path. I initially chose it because I wanted to help children with speech impediments and it's still a big reason why I'm going forward. I enjoy giving the Goldman-Fristoe Test of Articulation (probably my favorite thing to do in the assessment process). The big kid in me loves being able to incorporate play (like, actual boardgames and toys) into therapy sessions that help a child learn how to speak more clearly. I loved my little group of 3 to 5-year-old little guys when I did some of my observation hours at a private practice. However, I also know that the (current) biggest motivator is being able to pay off my student loans. It may make me sound terrible but that's the honest answer. I love the path God has me on now... but I'm working on something greater than a career.

I still believe that God is calling me to be a wife and mother someday. It is still a dream of mine to educate my future children at home if it's God's will. I don't feel like I'm called to make speech-language pathology a long-term career (I feel like God has other plans in store for me in the future; plans that involve writing and/or being a speaker) so I won't be pursuing a Master's in this field. Once I finish this degree and do my state-mandated hours for my license, I'm calling time on my academic career. I do, however, feel like this is where God wants me right now so I'm just going to go forward and see what else God has in store for me in the future.

I wasn't lying when I said this was a new chapter for me. It is a new chapter since I'm doing things much differently this time around. I'm not ashamed to say that I have disability accommodations due to my PTSD. These accommodations allow me to get extra time on my exams so that I don't have a panic attack and blank out during exams. Oh, yes, that's been happening since I started the program 3 years ago; the little time we're given during exams trigger the fight or flight response in me. The memories of teachers (yes, teachers) and fellow students harassing me in front of everyone will always be in the back of my mind when I start feeling anxious/trapped in something school-related so the extra time allows me to take a moment to breathe and relax so I can continue taking the exam without worrying about not finishing it on time. I already witnessed how helpful it was when I did my first big exam this past weekend. I didn't do as well as I would've liked but, considering how poorly I felt (I had slept almost all day the day before and the day of the exam), I'm grateful for the grade I received and for the extra time which helped me focus on the big essay portion of the exam which was worth the most points.

Yes, I'm re-taking a class for the third time (y'all should see how many of us are repeating this one particular course) and that's humbling but that's okay. I needed to be humbled after how proud I was of my past academic successes. Perhaps that's why I also felt called to share this with y'all; to make sure I didn't fall back into that pride... and because, yes, I will need all the prayers I can get this and next semester.

This semester I'm taking three courses: the second and third hardest courses in the program (the hardest course is scheduled for the Spring semester) along with another one. I'm already incredibly overwhelmed by the amount of work and the amount of memorization I've had to do in the first couple of weeks. It didn't help that I was out of it for three straight days -- the entire weekend -- when I had my first big exam which made it difficult to recall the lectures I'd watched and the notes I'd taken. This is going to be a tough road -- one that I hope to finish (with a completed degree) in late April-early May (depending on when my final exams are scheduled).

As I told God before my exam on Friday night, I won't insult Him by asking Him to perform miracles if I don't put the effort to study myself. I'm not going to say "Oh, please let me pass... even if I don't study." No. That's why I've accepted my 64% on my first exam. I wasn't able to study as I would've liked, partly due to procrastination and some distractions but also because I've been sick. However, I do have the motivation to do and finish well now that I've gotten that score. It was the thing that kicked started my motivation because I had practically none for the first 2-3 weeks of the semester.

I know what I'm capable of (when I'm healthy) so I'm going to try to take care of myself and study as much as I can. This is where prayer comes in. I was somehow able to focus on the essay despite feeling as crummy as I did and I did so much better than I was anticipating. I know it was all God (thanks to the intercession of the Holy Spirit and St. Jude) because I actually felt alert that hour it took me to finish the exam. After that? Back to sleeping all day. In fact, I've still not recovered. I've still been sleeping all day (or barely sleeping like last night) and I have another big exam this weekend and 5 quizzes so, you know, back to praying that my health cooperates with me for this upcoming Friday's big exam/quiz bonanza... and the two big exams I have next week.

If it's His will that I finish this degree, I will. If not, I won't. St. Francis de Sales has been popping up in my life a lot in recent months and, despite not continuing with the third novel, I still have the ghostwriting gig (which, thankfully, the woman whose life story I'm writing is telling me to do when I have free time from schoolwork). I think more writing is in my future but, for now, my focus is on this degree and whatever comes from it.

So, there you have it. This is the big secret I was carrying around with me that I'd alluded to these past couple of months. In your charity, I ask you to please keep me in your prayers. Like I said, my health decided to mess around with me again (and it just began going down again only two weeks before the semester began after an unusually healthy summer -- lightheadedness and dizziness excluded) and this may just be my toughest semester (coursework and exam wise) of this program.

I may not write again until I get caught up with my studying and exams (I completely lost the first 3 weeks). After the 30th of this month, my coursework schedule should slow down a bit but I probably won't blog more than once or twice more before then. We'll see what God has in store for me.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and have a great week. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

God Has Humbled This Proud, Conceited, Vain Girl

(side note: I had this post/topic prepared before I decided to write about why I've given up writing my third novel so it will be published first; the novel news will hopefully be posted tomorrow.)

I was an extraordinarily active kid.

I was/still am a dancer. I took Mexican folkloric dance, swing, ballroom dance, waltzing, and drill team/cheerleading from elementary school through my freshman year of high school. To this day, you'll see me dancing in my apartment (well, only if I feel comfortable enough being the massive goofball that I am around you), dancing in the car, and sometimes in the aisles of the groceries stores when I forget that people can see me.

I was a tomboy who loved playing sports. I ran track, played handball, tetherball, and even baseball when the boys let me. I still remember being the only girl who would dare race against the boys to see who was the fastest in the 5th grade. In junior high, I mostly drill team until I had to choose between honors classes and drill team... and I chose the honor classes. After that, I played soccer, still ran track, and played basketball in my co-ed P.E. class. In high school (and I only went to public HS for a year and a half), I did dance for an entire year and then did a semester of co-ed P.E. I was one of the only two girls in the class who dared to play flag (American) football, basketball, soccer, and softball.

I also had my academic accomplishments. In elementary school, I was one of the chosen speakers of my elementary school graduation. In junior high, I tested into a more academically demanding track and had to choose between dance/popularity and academics. My parents drilled the importance of an education so it was a no-brainer for me. As a high school freshman, I (along with 4 other classmates) tested out of high school English so we took college-level elective courses with some seniors because they didn't have any English courses I could take. I developed severe social anxiety due to the bullying and mental abuse I received from both classmates and teachers so I lost an entire of school. They thought I was going to graduate when I was 19-20 through a charter school. I surprised them by graduating a year and a half early and I even gave the valedictorian/student speech at my high school graduation.

My health began to slowly decline shortly before I turned 18. Anxiety physically debilitated me and I'm sure my father's cancer diagnosis didn't help. I developed anemia for the first time when I was 18 and I was severely underweight from the anti-anxiety medications they'd given me. I recovered for a while but not before anxiety became worse... as did my health. I, who had no allergies as a child, suddenly couldn't eat or drink anything with dairy at 19. At 20, the egg allergy developed. I, who rarely missed school due to illness, became more and more sick... and there wasn't (at the time) an explanation. I returned to the Church in the midst of the uncertainty. The doctors then figured out that my (we now know) PTSD and social anxiety was the cause.

My academic career was terrible. I had to repeat a couple of courses because my health would sometimes affect things. Somehow, I was able to have lucky breaks and, despite illness and my father's death, I was finally able to graduate with my first Bachelor's degree. Quite a few years later than anticipated (I should've graduated around 2007-2008) in 2012.

I was okay for a couple of years but eventually, things began to decline again. When I was about 24, shortly after my father passed away, was the first time they noticed my platelets were lower than normal but no one bothered to check things out. It wasn't until I was 30 that they became more interested in getting to the root cause of my health problems, platelets included. At the time I'm writing this, I'm still a medical mystery to them since they can't figure out the cause (re: low platelets).

As many of y'all know, I overdid it and burnt myself out in mid-late 2014 when I did my first and second semester of my SLP degree... to the point where my health took the biggest hit. It took me until earlier this year to get my iron levels to the point where I was no longer anemic. After two semesters in grad school and a terrible car accident in late 2015, it took me a couple more months to recover my weight (I was underweight for about 2-3 years).

Things seem to be on the upswing and then... something brings me back down. Low platelets. Anemia. Anxiety. Academic failure. It's taken me several years to appreciate everything... and it's just now that I accept everything as being a part of God's will instead of trying to do things on my own, to the point where my pride makes me make terrible decisions.

I've recently realized that God has humbled me because it's been the best thing that could've happened. I was way too overconfident (read: conceited, proud, and vain) about... everything.

I was the girl who was always one of the top students. The girl who received academic honors. The girl who gave the speech at her HS graduation. The girl whose British Literature professor (during her freshman year of college) encouraged her to apply to Oxford University.

I was the girl who could whoop boys at a bunch of sports. I ran and hit faster than many of them. I wasn't afraid of getting hurt, bruised, or dirty.

I was the girl who was offered a contract with a major agency (that would've radically changed my life) when she was 20.

I was the girl who, at 19, was teased about being the first amongst her friends to marry because of the luck she had with the fellas.

I'm now the girl who (people assume) is always sick. I'm the girl who has to be careful during cold/flu season because she can't get a flu shot (egg allergy) and whose white blood count is rarely within normal levels (read: low immunity against viruses). I'm the girl who can't be in the heat too long because she has lower than normal blood pressure. I'm the girl who has to be careful not to cut herself because the low platelets could potentially make her bleed more than normal. I'm the girl who has to be careful about what she consumes because of the food and medication allergies.

I'm the girl who sometimes doesn't have the physical energy/stamina to even sit up or open her eyes on her most physically debilitating days. I'm the girl who gets winded simply bending down and standing back up. I'm the girl who can spend days lightheaded or dizzy in bed. I'm the girl who wishes she could dance more but doesn't have the energy to do so.

I'm the girl who constantly fails in the academic arena because sometimes her health is so poor that mental fog is ever-present, making it difficult for her to concentrate in lectures and/or remember what she studied for exams. I'm the girl who abandoned her second Bachelor's degree... then a Master of Arts degree... and then the second Bachelor's degree again.

I'm the girl who is seen as being a stereotypically lazy Millennial who just lays around the house, doing nothing. I'm the girl who wishes she could work to pay off her student loans but who can't because of her health. I'm the girl who wishes she could financially provide for her mother so that her mother could retire; this girl wants to take care of her mother.

I'm the girl who is currently working on something that she hopes to one day share with you all but, for now, let's say I'm working towards something that I hope will make my mom (and my father, wherever he is) proud. I'm the girl who, despite the want to do well on this thing she's working on, is having a lot of problems accomplishing the basic tasks because she constantly falls asleep and experiences too much mental fog to complete anything she begins.

I'm the girl with terrible luck with fellas (though, perhaps, still has excellent taste because 3 crushes from the past 8 years have ended up in seminary) and, at 32, is one of the last of her friends to marry.

I'm the girl who still has her moments of pride and vanity... but who God is humbling in a way that makes the girl cry tears of joy because (after much prayer in which asked to be cured has now seen that) it's the way He shows His love for her. It may sound weird but I feel like God continues to humble me in order that I may join Him in Heaven one day... which is my ultimate goal.

I'm the girl who has learned that it's okay to ask others for help... to be okay looking foolish... to be who she is, deep down, without worrying about how others perceive her or if others will like her.

I'm the girl who has learned that all the worldly accomplishments, all the riches, all the "luck", all that she experienced as a girl and a young woman aren't important. Doing God's will and choosing to accept the suffering that I need to endure is more important.

And, finally, I'm the girl who hopes God uses to get "through" to others who feel alone... unloved... hopeless... like failures... everything she herself feels at times. I pray to God that I may say the right words or do the right works; to help others during their own low moments. Even if I don't ever know about it and even if it's just one person during my lifetime, I hope I do good. I hope I do my part, through my weaknesses and failures, for His greater glory.

Some of you may say that it will be foolish of me to say this but: I really do hope God does continue to humble me to the point where my pride and vanity is as nonexistent in my being as possible. God has already helped me see how much this "mighty" gal has fallen... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that I will continue to be seen as dumb, weak, too sensitive, a failure, etc. and I welcome it. I would rather be seen as being an insignificant than being at risk of having my pride and vanity return to the levels they were at when I was healthy and had too many options in life.

I'm going to leave y'all with this quote from the saint whose feast day we celebrate today (it's still Tuesday in Los Angeles):

“We are at Jesus’ disposal. If he wants you to be sick in bed, if he wants you to proclaim His work in the street, if he wants you to clean the toilets all day, that’s all right, everything is all right. We must say, ‘I belong to you. You can do whatever you like.’ And this is our strength. This is the joy of the Lord.” - St. Teresa of Calcutta

Charity: Pride (Vanity) or Kindness?

Before I begin, I want to wish everyone a happy feast of Our Lady of Lourdes! Also, I offer my apologies for the long gap between blog posts. I got sick and then had two exams to do... and then had a bunch of things to do. I actually still have a lot of errands to run today but I'm taking a break right now to write a quick post.

Earlier this morning, Mom reminded me that one of my best friendships started when I offered to share my umbrella with a fellow classmate with whom I had two courses. It was pouring that morning and, since our classes were at opposite ends of the campus, I asked him if he wanted to share the umbrella since he was getting soaked. He declined -- I believe he said something about it being okay; he was already wet anyway -- but it was the thing that started our friendship.

From that morning on, we started by acknowledging each other in classes... then we started talking on the walk towards our second class... then we started having a late breakfast after our second class in the class cafeteria... and then we eventually started hanging out (with friends) outside of school. It was a lovely friendship that ultimately ended because another mutual friend wasn't very nice and ruined the friendship. (semi-spoiler: the character of Candice in the first Will and Lina novel was partially based on the girl who ruined this -- and other -- real-life friendship(s)).

I'm not sharing this story to make myself look good. No, I'm sharing it because one thing stuck out about this one little act: I did it with no motive. I saw a classmate getting soaking wet on our walk, his shoulders tensed up as he hugged himself to keep warm in his jacket. It wasn't because I thought he was cute (I never thought about that; our friendship was never based on any physical attraction). It wasn't because I thought it would make me feel good or make me look good to others. I just felt like doing it. That then brought on the question: how many things to do we do for others out with some type of motivation?

Let's be honest: most of us have done something for others to look pious, charitable, and/or to gain something out of it at some point in our lives, even if it was only once. I've been totally guilty of this, even if the only thing I gained was the satisfactory feeling of doing something good for someone else. "Ooh, look how charitable I am." Yuck!

When I think about doing something for someone, sometimes I have to stop and thinking about whether I'm doing it because I want to do it -- because God commanded that we love our neighbors -- or because of a selfish motivation. Furthermore, I thought about the times I've shared what I've done for others and wonder if I've done that out of pride (vanity). I have a great respect and admiration for those who do things anonymously. You know, the ones we hear about in the news but never find out their identity.

I want to issue a challenge to anyone who is willing to accept it: for Lent (and it is coming in a couple of weeks), do an act of charity that will not benefit you... and don't tell anyone about it. Ask yourself "what if I have to gain from this?" If the answer is "nothing", do it. As you do it, offer it up for any intention you may have or for the souls in purgatory. Thank God for the opportunity to do something for one of His children. It doesn't matter if it's something small or seemingly insignificant. We sometimes believe that little things don't make an impact but they can in ways we can't imagine. I believe that doing something for others out of brotherly love will help us slowly shed any pride we may have. At least, that's what I'm hoping. It's something I hope will help me be less selfish and vain and make me someone worthy of entering Heaven one day.

Anyway, that's it for now. Like I said, I still have a lot to do today and I might not have enough hours to do them. I do have a few blog posts coming up in the next couple of days, including a giveaway that could be useful for Lent. ;)

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

New Year, New... Nothing?

Before I begin, let me just wish y'all a feast of the Most Holy Name of Jesus! Who is reciting the Litany of Holy Name of Jesus right after she posts this blog post? This girl! There's a partial indulgence attached it to if you say His name reverently today. You also get a plenary indulgence if you visit a church today (usual conditions apply). Just an FYI if you didn't know.

Happy New Year, everyone!! I know it's January 3rd but it's my first blog post of the year. I purposely waited a couple of days because I wanted to take a break from being online so much at the end of last year. Yesterday was World Introvert Day so I did a lot of reading, sleeping when I could because I've been physically exhausted lately, and just relaxed. Since it's my last week of winter break before classes begin again, I decided to not be lazy but also not do a whole lot of busywork. I'm just going to do what I need to do to prepare for the (hopefully) last Spring semester for this program and then stay as stress-free as possible.

I had (or have, actually) one sole resolution this year and it's to get to Mass as much as I possibly can. This resolution? I actually made it back for the Liturgical New Year. ;) I hope more Mass includes daily Mass and especially Latin Mass when I can make the trip. I've fallen in love with the Latin Mass again and I am constantly looking for excuses to attend one. Sadly, no Mass for my this past Sunday because I had palpitations and horrible (random) anxiety from about 2 a.m. (the time I fell asleep on New Year's Day) until about 7-8 p.m. that night. Blah. :( I might've already "failed" to keep my resolution but as many lovely people reminded me, it wasn't as if I wanted to miss Mass. Not only that, I have (roughly) 51 more weekends to get it right this year.

Besides that resolution, I have nothing. No other plans or resolution. Well, no... that's not entirely true. I do have plans/goals. I plan on doing well for the rest of the program for this degree. I plan on keeping myself healthy and doing what I must to raise my folate, iron, and calcium levels. I plan on working on myself in preparation for both vocations. All these plans? I've had them for a long time so I don't count them as resolutions. I don't like New Year's Day resolutions. As previously stated, I make new liturgical year resolutions because they enhance how I live out my faith during the year but that's about it.

Almost no one keeps the resolutions they make through the end of the year... and then they feel terrible about it. I've seen people use such depressing, negative language when talking about how much they stink for not sticking with their resolutions. I'm definitely guilty of being too hard on myself, which is why I think I refuse to make resolutions. Not only that, a lot of resolutions are... well, well-meaning but usually attached to something that ends up hurting us more.

As Megan so wisely reflected on yesterday's Blessed is She post, some of our resolutions "[cater] to the world’s 'standards,' built on Satan’s deceptions and lies." (side note: I recommend you read her reflection to see what she means and I agree with). I know that if I made the resolution of working mt tush off to get all A's in school it would include the sin of pride because I know that a high GPA would mean graduating with distinction and honors. Who wouldn't like getting special attention on graduation day (though I'm still leaning on skipping the actual ceremony)? I've struggled with academic pride in the past and I know I don't want to go there.

Doing well in school? I plan to do it because I don't want to lose my financial aid which is helping me pay for and finish my degree. The sooner I can finish the degree, the sooner I can get my license and start working to help pay the bills and have my mom retire. Getting healthier? I plan to do it because I've read about birth defects that may arise if my body is low on things such as folate levels. I don't plan on getting married and/or getting pregnant anytime soon but I also know that these things can take a long time to be corrected so I want to start when there's no massive pressure. New year, same old plans. :)

Here is where I put my usual disclaimer that these are my thoughts about what's going to work for me. If you have resolutions and actually go through with them, virtual high five to you, my friend! I personally just can't do it because I know myself well enough to know that it doesn't work for me for a couple of different reasons. :)

Anyway, I still want to be online as little as possible so I'm going to vamoose and go read... after I pray the litany. ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the year! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Freedom!!... Sort Of.

Hello everyone! No, I didn't forget about y'all. Yes, there were a couple of times when I wanted to write but couldn't. Why? Final project (a 3-week Bible study on the Davidic kingdom covenant), lots of reading, a couple of weekly exams, and then the final exam, which I literally finished 8-9 minutes before it was due last night. Basically, if I could study instead of doing something else, I chose to study. That means I had to decline on a couple of outings, I didn't do much reading for fun, and I was basically glued to the kitchen chair (I study best at the kitchen table). Now I understand why people would tell me that I would no longer have a life once I started grad school. Still, I am done for the next two weeks... sort of.

While I do have a two week break between the end of the Spring quarter (yesterday) and the beginning of the Summer quarter (June 27th), I have a lot of reading to do to prepare for the class. I think it's almost 100 pages or so before then? I already purchased all the books I'll need and I'm going to tackle the readings... next week. I just want to have this week to catch up on sleep and maybe watch some of my favorite Hallmark movies on Feeln. Did I mention I was warned that grad school would mean I'd kiss my free time goodbye? lol.

Even though I don't have much of a break between quarters (the longest is about 3 or 4 weeks in the winter), I've found the program to be very rewarding. My spiritual life has grown in ways I never anticipated. Yes, the program is intense and rigorous; it's not for the faint of heart. They want us to know these things like the back of our hands, which means a lot of reading, a lot of memorizing, and a lot of hard work. I have to get started on paper/projects weeks before they are due. I have to stay on top of the assigned readings, the lecture videos, and the quizzes every week or else I'm doomed. The comprehensible exams at the end are still slightly panic inducing.

Last night, before I took my final exam, I had this moment where I had a mini breakdown in confidence. "What am I doing in this program? I can't do this! Stupid anemia makes it hard for me to remember anything. How am I going to remember anything from weeks ago when I could barely remember when I took those quizzes that same week (or the week after)?!" I quickly looked up the website of the local school that offers an 18-month program to get me back into the SLP field; I was that discouraged. Then I remembered that this was most likely some sort of spiritual attack. I'd been fine before it. In fact, I had never been so sure that this was the path God wants me to take... up until the final exam. Not even the 10 total hours of revision and exam-taking helped.

I had a conversation with God half an hour before I took the exam. I broke down in tears as I said, "I can't do this, God. I can't remember these things. I tried. I tried my hardest and I can't remember most of what I studied. This anemia is just kicking me down. I slept almost 10 hours today and yesterday. I'm exhausted. I can't concentrate. I can't remember. I need Your help. I'm weak but You aren't. You're going to have to do this for me because I just... I can't. I can't do this by myself. If this is the path You want me to take, You're going to have to help me out. If I don't pass this exam... I'll look at something else. Please help me."

I prayed the prayer to St. Joseph of Cupertino. I asked the Holy Spirit and the Sacred Head of Jesus to enlighten my mind. I also bugged the Immaculate Heart of Mary, St. Thomas Aquinas, Pope St. John Paul II (my school's patron saint), Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Catherine of Siena, and any saints that could intercede for me. I did better than expected on the multiple choice portion of the exam. I have no idea on how I did on the essay portion of the exam -- the hardest part of the exam. I tried. I did my best. Now to wait and see what my final grade will be. After the disaster that was the Fall quarter, I'm admittedly a little nervous because a low grade will disqualify me from the program.

As someone who has struggled with academic pride in the past, last night was a wonderful lesson in humility and a reminder that I can't do things without the help of God. I'm not Superwoman. I'm weak. I need God to help me often. I still have a long way to go in the humility department; something I think many of us will struggle with in one form or another for most of our lives since pride is such an easy sin to fall into. Thankfully, God reminded me that He's there for me when I feel beaten down. I can do all things through Him... and He'll be there when I feel like I can't go further.

Okay, I'm going to keep rambling on so I'm going to stop here. lol.

I hope to write daily (or almost daily) during my break. We'll see how many topics my little fried brain can come up with. lol.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to finish a book I checked out nearly 3 weeks ago and is due at the library in about 2-3 days.  I'm about 54% done with it. Hashtag: challenge accepted. ;)

I hope y'all have been well and are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Goodbye, Comfort Zone

Lately I feel like I keep getting inspired (or pushed, if you wish you see it that way) to keep moving forward. This is how my inner monologue occasionally goes:

Me: Okay, God. I think I got it -- why I was being tested. I understand. I'm okay here. Wait... are you pushing me out of my comfort zone again? But I like my comfort zone. Can't I get a break? Please? Not even for a little bit? I shouldn't settle? Yes, I know You're right but... Huh? I need to keeping moving forward? Alright. No, I'm not complaining. I just really love my comfort zone. However, if you want me to keep going, I will. Your will, God... not mine. Yes, I trust in You even though I have no idea what's going to happen in the future.

While the above applies to different areas of my life, my biggest focus has been on my past academic comfort bubble. Coursework these past couple of weeks has been rough for me. I knew grad school was hard but I wasn't anticipating it to be this time consuming. Two books in particular were read ridiculously slow (way too slow for me) because of how complex and verbose they were. The general consensus amongst my fellow classmates (and even my professor) was that the books were not easy to grasp. It wasn't that I was a total dunce (though it occasionally feels that way listening some of my classmates; my goodness, they will do amazing things for the Church). I just had to take my time and try to get through it all as best as I could with a little help along the way.

I'm currently finishing up my first paper, a week after it was originally due. No, it's okay; I had an extension due to the time lost post-accident last month. I didn't want the extension, to be honest. I wanted to meet the original deadline. Remember when I wrote about having academic pride earlier this year? I was dangerously close to going there again but this paper helped me realize it early enough to stop it. I had to humble myself and rein in the pride that wanted to pop up again. Old habits die hard, you know? No, I was not going to have it easy like I'd had in previous years. I was going to have to work harder than I ever had just to finish that paper.

When I accepted this, I talked to the right person and was able to get an extension. Did I want it? No, but I knew I needed it. Sometimes things take time and hard work. This paper was a beautiful reminder of not only that but that it's always best to trust Him. As I got closer to the deadline (prior to receiving the extension) and saw that I was nowhere near being done I said: "If I don't finish this paper, Lord, and if it makes such a difference that it will put me in jeopardy of potentially having to leave the program (side note: paper worth a good chunk of my grade)... it will be because You have something else planned for me. I will accept it. I put my trust in You." Maybe He doesn't want me to give up yet because, despite the stress I put on myself to meet the deadlines, I've felt an overwhelming peace about being in this program. Hard work isn't fun but I do love it. I've never enjoyed myself in an academic setting as much as I have recently. I can't get enough of the works of St. Thomas Aquinas (for Philosophy) nor anything that's been assigned in my Theology course. Am I still behind (in general)? Of course... but I'm willing to work harder now that I'm learning to adjust to my new schedule (which includes thrice weekly sessions for my back and a whole lot of taking public transportation).

The quarter ends in less than a month. I have two more papers and a lot of hard work ahead of me. I might've lost a majority of the first half due to circumstances beyond my control (as well as horrendous lack of time management with a dash of procrastination) but that doesn't mean I can't catch up. I can... with God's help. I hope that by Thanksgiving Day weekend I will be all caught up. That is my hope but only God knows if I'll be able to meet that goal. If not, it won't be because I didn't try. For now it's all about trust and hard work.

There's another area in which I feel God is inspiring me to move forward but it may be too early to tell. For now trust, prayer, and resigning myself to His will is all I can do. Oh yeah, and I need to be patient. As independent and (occasionally) stubborn as I may be, I know that His plans are much greater than anything I could ever plan for myself and I can't wait to see what's in store for me next.

Your will, God... not my own.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to share with y'all for now. I have most of my paper done but I want to add a couple more things to make it flow a bit better so I'm going to go do that. :)

I hope y'all are well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Grad School Worries and Academic Pride

Picture courtesy of Ashley Ella Design.

In about a month I start my first quarter of grad school. My school, JP Catholic, runs on a quarter system which I haven't experienced because I've always been on a semester-based academic calendar. I've heard that it's a bit more fast-paced than the semester system but I'm not too worried since I'm only allowed to take two courses this quarter... which I am guessing will be like taking 4 semester courses. Still, it's the "being thrown into a new situation" that is starting to make me a bit nervous.

I'm having those same jitters everyone has on the first day of a new school or job. I'm worried about messing up. When I received my first reading and writing assignment for my Fundamental Theology and Biblical Interpretations course (a little over a month early; thank you, Dr. Barber!) I was equal parts excited and intimidated. They're starting us off with St. Thomas Aquinas' Summa Theologiæ and the Catechism of the Catholic Church. I actually just finished reading through the entire Catechism earlier this summer but I've never really tackled Summa before. I've read bits and pieces (and very few of those) throughout the years but never at the level which I know I will have to for this course. *gulp*

As I was going through the list of questions and textbooks required, little doubts started popping up. "Am I even smart enough for this program?" "Will I be able to retain all the information?" "Will I be an adequate teacher once I finish this program and start working?" "What if I fail again? I haven't been in school for almost a year and the last time I was in school, I had to drop out due to the stress affecting my health." "What if I can't handle the workload again?" There are more questions but you get the gist of it. Oddly enough, all these questions are making me feel better about the situation. Allow me to explain...

I will be the first to admit that I've taken great pride about my academic career... to the point where a trip to the confessional was necessary. As a kid, I was the one who showed off, the know-it-all. I think I just let all the praise about being "smart" go to my head... and no one bothered to correct it. I was a kid, what did I know? While I got a better handle of it as I got older (and I got quieter and more reserved), it was still there in my mind. I took great pride in having graduated high school a year and a half early; in being able to give the valedictorian speech at the graduation ceremony. Though I stunk at math (my academic Achilles heel), I was still able to miraculously passed and graduated from my undergraduate program on the Dean's List.

After years of feeling a little too pleased with myself over my academic career, I got the much needed dose of humility and reality last year. Starting the Communicative Disorders at Utah State last year was exciting and not very nerve wrecking for me. First semester I didn't receive anything belong a B. I was feeling pretty great about myself... and then I didn't even finish my second semester, having to leave a month before it concluded. My health had suffered from me pushing myself beyond my limits. Surprise the "academic Super girl" found her match. I had begun failing exams and I couldn't understand why. I knew the material and I studied hard. I did great with the on-site work with the little kids. Still, it was hard for me to pass the exams. In a weird way, I'm extremely grateful to have gone through all of that because it helped me get rid of that incredibly prideful part of myself.

I think that part of why I'm worried about my potential success (or failure) at JP Catholic stems from what happened at Utah State. I was knocked off my academic high horse but that was one of the best things that could've happened to me. If this is what I want to do with my life (and it is), then I need to approach the rest of my academic career and training with humility. It can't be "look what I can do; look at how smart I am." It needs to be "I'm grateful for what God can do through me for others." I need to take out any selfish thinking... to rid myself of that pride that I held for many, many years.

So, yes, I'm worried about how I'll do, academically. I care too much about it. Although I fought it for so long, I know my passion is teaching others and helping evangelization efforts in any way I'm able to. I gravitate towards putting my efforts towards youth because of how poorly catechized I was and what a terrible path I was going down before I reverted. I want to help prevent that in others. I'm young at heart and I look young enough that they can feel comfortable talking to me or coming to me for advice (or so I've been told).

Of course, I'm going to approach my entire grad program keeping that in my mind. This isn't about me or what I can gain from it (other than the knowledge necessary to help others.) It's going to take a lot of prayer and a lot of revisiting my motives every once in a while. I need to keep myself in check and accountable for my thoughts and actions. :)

Come at me, negative, worrisome thoughts. You'll just remind me that I need to rely on God and to remember that I can't let the pride creep up on me again. :)

That's it for now. I have some errands to run (in 100+ degree weather... oy with the poodles) and other things to do around the house. :D Oh! I'm taking a little break from Twitter for the sake of my sanity. I think everyone (myself included) is burnt out from the craziness of the summer and there's been too much infighting and subtweeting for my taste. I don't know how long the break will last but I'll keep everyone in prayer. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Proud and Maybe a Little Prejudice

No, not Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice (though y'all should not be surprised with the picture I chose. lol).

My twitter chat with @CatholicDan this morning reminded me of something I talked to our newest parish priest about last weekend... my new struggle with pride. I don't think, and I hope I'm right, I've ever had problems with pride before but it's just one of the things (that I hate) that have come up since attending this school. (And I say "this school" because I'm currently sitting in the cafeteria, waiting for my Math class to begin.)

This is kind of like a sequel to my last post about going through a possible late rebellion. Sometimes, I'm so sure of what I know to be true (see? I'm already doing it) that I sit in the front row and openly make a face to show my disagreement with a professor's statement. I don't think I have all the answers, because I don't... not by a long shot, but I occasionally think I know the answers (or at least those leading to the truth) in comparison to my professors. Hello Pride, didn't see you sneaking up on me. Please go away. Now. The new parish priest (who is so new I don't remember his name, sorry!) told me to be a little more humble when I have these thoughts passing my mind. I am thankful that I do catch myself before I go down this path, and even more so after talking to the priest, but I do slip up. I don't mean to but I'm human and I do make these mistakes.

Last week wasn't as bad as the first two weeks back but I did have one or two "ugh, you're so wrong!" moments. I need to remind myself that if I do have the right answers and do know the truth, that I can share it with my classmates in a way that doesn't look like I'm trying to show off. I'm not, despite to contrary beliefs of some classmates who think I am "holier than thou"... because I pray before I eat and go to the chapel to pray when time allows. I'm sorry, I didn't know these things were done to show I'm "better" than others... because I'm clearly not nor do I ever think so.

I have seriously begun to look into transferring because I'm slowly losing the battle. I don't like the person I'm slowly becoming. I don't like that I am being proud and occasionally prejudice (I have decided not to participate in Campus Ministry despite majoring in Religious Studies). I don't like that my professors are shoving the liberal, feminist agenda down our throats more than ever. I don't like that I have been embarrassed by professors in front of classmates for trying to get them to clear some Biblical things for us. I am not happy. At all. I do still get a kick when I occasionally stump them but those moments are becoming less frequent when they pull the "I know more you do, so shut up" card on me. Again, I know they know more than I do, but I still think that telling us that homosexuality is of God and that God just wants us to be happy (hinting that if we want to go ahead and have a homosexual relationship it's totally fine). Oh and hell doesn't exist either. I mean, seriously? I don't know, I'm about to throw in the towel because this place is really bringing out the worst in me and it makes me want to cry.

Alright, I should go read a bit in one of the books that I cringe at. lol. I hope y'all have a great week.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!