In less than 3 days I’ve been to the ER twice… and i might have an additional trip to make again on Thursday. But the multiple trips aren’t themselves why I’m struggling with both my prayer life & mental health. Let me explain for those not following me on Twitter (the only place I’m currently active on).
I was in a lot of pain for most of last week. I thought I had accidentally injured a benign cyst near my rib cage while sleeping because the pain was tolerable. It didn’t look bigger than normal nor did it look red, according to my mom. I can’t see so I don’t know. The pain increased every day, as did the size of the cyst. I thought fluid had built up around it that would eventually go away on its own like it had on other cysts, most notably the one on my left eyebrow. The pain got really bad on days 3&4 and the cyst had grown twice its size from what I could tell based on touch. I suspected it was abscessed at that point. Mom said it had finally gotten red which I knew meant it definitely was infected. After not having working air conditioning for almost 2 weeks — and having gone through several days of triple digit weather — I wasn’t surprised the trapped oil & sweat had gotten infected. I was *glistening* (because women don’t sweat, lol) like a pig and had even gotten physically sick during those days because of how bad the weather was and how hot & humid our apartment had gotten.
Knowing that it was an urgent matter — and not having an urgent care (that accepted my health insurance) close enough — I tried to get in to see my dermatologist sooner. There had been plans to have the sebaceous cyst surgically removed but he was completely booked and then he was going on vacation. So, off to the ER I went as I cannot have infections or any big stressors on my body for too long due to my adrenal insufficiency.
Since I was there early in the morning (after my first dose of hydrocortisone), it wasn’t too bad. The only *bad* thing was the minor surgery to drain the infection and the subsequent drainage. Because of how sensitive the area was, it was excruciating. Also, because it was on the tissue, the lidocaine (localized anesthesia) didn’t work. I was in pain before — I couldn’t even breathe properly — but it was nothing like the pain I felt during the procedure. At the end I was in tears but it was best for me & my health so I endured it.
Side note: I’d started having lower than normal blood pressure in the days leading up to the ER trip and didn’t know it was a sign that my body was heading in dangerous territory that could’ve resulted in an adrenal crisis. Thankfully, the doctor gave me an emergency dose of a steroid to help prevent an adrenal crisis before I was discharged. My blood pressure was better yesterday at a separate medical appointment I had in the afternoon but I’ll have to keep checking it at home — with my portable blood pressure machine — because Saturday wasn’t the only date I endured a lot of pain… nor will it be the last.
As I mentioned, I headed back to the ER yesterday but this time for wound check and repacking. I’d tried to go after lunch — and after the big medical appointment I couldn’t miss or reschedule — but I had to come back home because I was ready to faint simply waiting to be registered. They had all the patients waiting outside in the heat. Yes, we were all under these small misting tents but they did nothing to help us. It was 104 degrees Fahrenheit, the tents were seemingly of not great material, and the wind blew the misting water away from where we were all sitting. At one point a woman with a small child angrily yelled for some water; it was a nightmare. Because I have a heat sensitivity, I get sick in temperatures over 83 degrees (we’ve tested it). I was ready to faint and get physically ill less than half an hour into waiting. Thankfully, a nurse helped me call my mom and a security guard placed a chair inside the triage area while I waited to be picked up. Since I *had to* get the wound repacked that day, I had to return to the ER after 9 p.m. — a suggestion by the nurse who helped me — since it’s after that time that the ER activity slows down quite a bit. And that’s what I did. As soon as I took my last dose of antibiotics for the day, we went back to the ER and I was there for about 2.5 hours, until a little after midnight.
I think I would’ve endured the chaos of yesterday and the previous days a little better if I had gotten more sleep, was less stressed, and I’d gotten my prayers in. Or, really, if I’d not been thrown off so much by the sudden and unexpected changes. And I’ve had to make a lot of changes in a short amount of time.
My new endocrinologist placed me on a slightly different eating and medication schedule than the one I’d had for over a year and a half. It seems my former endo had not managed my situation well & I was taking my last dose of hydrocortisone (the life-sustaining med for my adrenal insufficiency) 4 hours later than I should have. I also shouldn’t have taken my first dose of hydrocortisone 2-3 hours after waking nor started taking the lunchtime dose as suggested by my former endo. The new endo suspects that that is the reason why I’m so tired all the time — the meds schedule was not following the normal rhythm of healthy adrenal glands. Now I have to eat breakfast and lunch an hour earlier, take hydrocortisone at completely different times, etc. I wouldn’t have minded too much except that now that this has thrown my prayer life off and I can tell how much not having a set prayer schedule affects me for the worse.
I’m so thrown off by the new schedule that I unintentionally miss some Divine Office hours. Granted, I just started the new schedule AND have had unusually busy days due to the infection that developed so it may be temporary but it’s been hard.
This was my former schedule:
6:30 a.m. - Wake up & Angelus & half of the Rosary.
6:45 a.m. - thyroid medication, Laudes & Prime.
7:20 a.m. - the rest of the Rosary & any novenas or other prayers I had going.
8:20 a.m. - Breakfast
9 a.m. - First dose of hydrocortisone & Terce
Noon: Angelus & Sext
12:45 p.m. - Lunch
1:30 p.m. - Second dose of hydrocortisone
3 p.m. - None & Mass
4:30 p.m. - Snack (necessary for my recovery; it’s not recommended I go more than 4 hours without eating unless it’s overnight while sleeping)
6 p.m. - Angelus & Vespers
8 p.m. - Dinner
9 p.m. - Last dose of hydrocortisone & Compline
10:40 p.m. - 11:15 p.m. - Bedtime
I would write, “read”, sleep, or do whatever I needed to do in between prayer and meal/meds time. It worked for me and it allowed me to have a good, steady rhythm to my day. But that changed this past Friday.
My schedule *should* look like this from now on:
6:40 a.m. - Wake up & Angelus
6:45 a.m. - Thyroid med, Laudes, Prime, novenas or additional prayers being said
7:30 a.m. - Breakfast
8 a.m. - First dose of hydrocortisone
** for the next week only ** 9 a.m. - first dose of antibiotics & Terce
Noon - Lunch & Angelus
12:45 p.m. - Sext
3 p.m. - None
4:30 p.m. - Snack & last dose of hydrocortisone for the day
6 p.m. - Vespers
8:00 p.m. - Dinner
** for the next week only ** 9 p.m. - second dose of antibiotics & Compline
10:30 p.m. - Bedtime
It looks doable… but I haven’t been able to do it because of the craziness. And no prayer = instability that affects my mental health.
I don’t do well with unexpected changes or anything I’m not expecting. My brain doesn’t do well with its overwhelmed or bombarded with unexpected stimulation. That may be why I developed adrenal insufficiency — too much stress all the time. That then either triggers crankiness or tears, with tears being my default. It’s always been this way. I could say a temperament thing but there is also the science behind how my brain processes things — especially with a disconnect between my HPA axis and adrenal glands and thyroid which control hormones. Yeah, adrenal insufficiency and a damaged HPA axis is a trip and affects all the body, brain (obviously) included.
Not having prayer to anchor me makes me much more susceptible to the stress and egocentricity that throws me off. Yes, I’ve been sick and my body has had the added stress of fighting an infection. Yes, it takes a while to get used to new schedules and way of life. Yes, I still have to figure out where I can squeeze the Rosary and Mass times since not only did my schedule change but my mother’s schedule also changed in order for her to help me with cooking (which I cannot safely do) and now I don’t have the same quiet or non-distracting environment I need to be able to concentrate on mental prayer and even lectio divina.
If there’s anything these last 4 days since the changes and the unpredictability have shown me is that I *have to* figure out how to prioritize keeping Christ and prayer at the forefront or else I will get overwhelmed like I have lately. I need to figure out how and where to fit in a daily Mass and the Rosary, especially since I’m getting tired at the *right* times and once that hits, I cannot concentrate on anything. Once the kids go back to school and I’m able to have the first half of the day without the running and yelling in the hallways, I’ll be able to use that time for the Rosary and Mass before my brain checks out for the day.
In the meantime, I’m going to pray when I can and try not beat myself over my current inability to concentrate due to my body getting used to a new medication schedule and healing from the infection. Operative word: try. Once I get rest and am in a better place — physically and mentally — I’m going to try to model my day according to the schedule of my family at Clear Creek Abbey. How they arranged their schedule actually works perfectly with my new schedule so I’m definitely going to try to follow it.
And speaking of Clear Creek Abbey: after coming home from my first (of two) big medical appointment (that may help move my vocation discernment forward), I arrived home to find a mysterious package from the monastery. Someone — I have no idea who! — sent me a beautiful candle of Our Lady of Guadalupe. It almost melted in the heat (did I mention it was 104 degrees yesTeddy’s?) since we didn’t know something was arriving and thus couldn’t ask a neighbor to keep it out of the sun but it’s okay and it’ll definitely help with my plans to have a candle burning while praying and even when I want to sit in silence. Whoever sent it — thank you! God bless you. The timing was absolutely perfect for its arrival — just when I needed a little light in the midst of the chaos.
Anyway, it’s taken me almost 3 hours to write this (whoa!) so I’m going to give my mind a little rest before snack and my last dose of hydrocortisone for the day.
I hope you’re all having a lovely start of the week thus far!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ☺️
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