This past Monday I turned another year older. The day was full of surprises — both good & not so good — and in the end it only made me glad that I have St. Joan of Arc in my corner.
See, St. Joan of Arc and St. Angela Merici are my patroness for this next year of life. Both kept popping up, with St. Joan’s “I am not afraid. I was born to do this!” somehow becoming my motto for this 2022 year. Seriously, go back to the last blog post I wrote in 2021 and you’ll see it included in it. As I wrote in the previous post, both make sense as my patronesses for this year which, God willing, will see an advancement in my vocation discernment. But I didn’t know just how much St. Joan would play a role in my life since the minute I decided to make her my co-patroness for the year.
As I said, my birthday was full of surprises. My big brother drove out from Texas and he surprises us with a visit. I haven’t seen him since before losing my eyesight. No pun intended. I think it might’ve been 4 years or so since I last saw him. And an even bigger surprise was seeing my nephew (his eldest son) for the first time since my undergrad graduation 10 years ago. They brought me flowers and succulents, honoring my love languages of flowers.
I also got the surprise of seeing a movie I’d been wanting to see again for the first time in years with two of my best friends. I laughed during the commentary we had going throughout the movie and I was grateful to spend those couple of hours with them, even if it was with some distance.
But even in the middle of that goodness, I was struggling. I’ve been struggling with an unusual physical symptom that we can’t pinpoint for at least 3 weeks now. It makes me feel very sick — so much so that we had to call the paramedics the day before my special day to make sure I wasn’t having an adrenal crisis. This symptom (along with others that come and go) seem to be tied to something that my endocrinologist will need to check. And that won’t happen for another 3 weeks.
My lost my endocrinologist last month when my medical group axed her and the entire endocrinology department. I had to get a new one and I can’t get in touch with the one I was assigned. After the symptoms got worse, I had to call my primary to ask what I could do. They sent an urgent request for another endo to my insurance and I was granted one… but the soonest they had was for late June. This made me anxious as Therese symptoms (which occur almost daily and all day at this point) could potentially but added stress on my body… and that could trigger an adrenal crisis. Adrenal crises have a potential to become fatal if not addressed quickly. See why I’m nervous and why this cross has been a hard one to carry?
In the middle of those worries, I try to remember the words, “Jesus, I trust in You.” I try to remember that God is good and that He won’t give me anything I can’t handle; anything that won’t serve for a better purpose. Whether that good will be for me or the offering up I do will benefit someone else, I don’t know. But something good will come from it.
Does that mean that I don’t fall and struggle with this cross? No. I’ve been on the verge of tears more than once in the last three weeks. I feel so awful and sometimes there seems to be no end in sight. I’m also constantly reminded how stress is so bad for my secondary adrenal insufficiency and how prolonged stress can lead to something potentially serious. “What if this will land you in the hospital again?” “What if this will end up being fatal because of the long wait to be seen?” Those are some of the thoughts that pop into my head. But I immediately say, “No. God will make sure I will get the help I need when I need it.” This is my child-like faith in Him.
I’m sure those who’ve known me for a long time will be surprised that this is my mentality because I’ve had the reputation of being a huge worrywart. I used to worry about everything to the point of stressing myself out and staying in a stressed-out state for a long time. But I know I can’t do that anymore. The secondary adrenal insufficiency has been a blessing because it’s helped retrain my thought process. I have to be optimistic because I have to be as stress-free as possible. And this is where I’ve had to rely heavily on learning to, as I’ve said, trust that God has my back.
Just like when I was told I’d lost my neuro-ophthalmologist because she was no longer in my medical group’s network right before my next appointment. I said, “God, you know why. I trust that You will get me the doctor I need when I need them.” And later that day I got a call — literally minutes before they closed the office for the day — informing me that my insurance had approved it at the last minute. I went in the following day and was told that my eyesight is stable. Yes, the bilateral optic atrophy is permanent (and I learned that the atrophy is different in both eyes, which is why I have a massive blind spot in the middle of my right eye but not the left), but it’s not getting worse. The visual changes seem to be tied with the migraines I’ve been getting lately but my eyes are as healthy as they can be with the atrophy.
God has shown me that He is here with me. Jesus has shown me that He is taking care of me just like a future Spouse would. Does it mean I won’t have to carry these little health crosses every now and then? No. But it means I’ll have the support I need when I need it. And, if anything, this will only strengthen my relationship with Him.
St. Joan of Arc, when I asked you to be in the battlefield with me during my *age redacted* year of life, I had no idea how much I would need you to help me cultivate that courage and trust in God right away. I’m glad you’re at my side and will continue to be there during it all.
And I think that’s it for now. I gave up Instagram for the entire month of June (self-imposed because I’m disorderedly attached and addicted to it) so I’ll be blogging more often since IG was where I shared updates… and I can only handle Twitter is small chunks.
I hope y’all have a lovely Pentecost Sunday tomorrow!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!
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