I had every intention to write a reflection on the third anniversary of my Benedictine oblate novitiate anniversary (June 30th) but, alas, wound care and all of that took precedence.
How am I doing with that? According to every doctor who has seen me — and I’ve seen 4 different doctors in the 5 trips — I’m healing really well & there’s no longer sign of the infection. However, since the wound was deep, I’m still going back for wound check and repacking. That’s never fun as the repacking hurts (no anesthesia for it) but it’s necessary. I still have to go back to the ER for wound care but they “fast track” me as it’s a quick check and redressing/repacking. I’ve been in and out of the ER in less than an hour the last 2 times I’ve been there. I have another trip to make tomorrow and I’m praying it’ll be the last one I have to go to the ER for.
I now know the reason for the infection — my theory that it was due to the trapped oil and sweat in the cyst on my torso during the nearly 2 weeks we didn’t have AC was confirmed at my July 2nd wound care check. As was explained, the heat + humidity + the lack of blood flow in that particular area was a recipe for infection, which is what happened. Thankfully, it doesn’t look like it was MRSA (the wound culture didn’t find that specific bacteria) which would’ve complicated things. God is good!
But this post isn’t about that. Not the infection. It’s definitely another answer to something else I’ve been struggling with.
See, I’ve recently decided to make more changes that I feel are necessary for my spiritual and mental health. I already mentioned lighting a candle for quiet time, which I’ve been done. I was surprised (but not) at how quickly the Candlemas candle quieted my restless mind and heart a few days ago when my mom lit it for me. Long story short, there were a number of things that happened one after the other that not only stressed me out mentally but also emotionally and spiritually. That day, I felt like I needed the extra help so on went to the candle. It took a little while but I eventually felt calmer and that calmness has remained since. Candlemas candles should be part of everyone’s spiritual arsenal. Buy them ahead of time and get them blessed on February 2nd!
The lighting of the candle seemed to also enlighten my mind on the struggles I was going through with my prayer life. Well, that and letting my spiritual director know what I was going through. I realized that I had too much going on and that that was causing the interior noise. But what struck me was how all these things were good things… I was simply doing too much of a good thing and it was causing more harm than good. It’s like when you eat too much of a delicious food and then you end up with a stomachache. The food itself wasn’t bad; it was overindulging in it. And that’s what was happening with me.
I haven’t been able to work since Candlemas this year. (Side note: okay, wow! I didn’t even realize that was the last time I submitted an article until I started writing that out; I didn’t realize the connection until now.) There are a number of reasons for this, health being the biggest reason. Because I wasn’t working (no labora for this Benedictine oblate), I added more prayer into my day. A lot more. I figured I had a lot more time and more prayer couldn’t hurt. But it ended up not being the best decision because of my tendency to overestimate myself.
I was doing all the Divine Office hours, the Rosary daily, the Angelus three times a day, the Litany of Humility, the Annunciation novena (which is 9 months long), a prayer for the Rosary confraternity (which I’m a part of), more prayers, random novenas, etc. I thought that because they were shorter than the Hours, I was fine. But I think it was still too much. That’s why St. Benedict wisely said we should do everything in moderation, prayer included. But, as is my M.O., I went to the “go big or go home” extreme that I’m still working hard to let go. As I’ve often written, moderation is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to do which is why becoming a Benedictine oblate is the best decision I ever made; it’s exactly what I need in my life.
I made the hard decision to give up praying the Monastic Diurnal and replacing it with The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I love praying different psalms every day of the week — the prayers stay pretty much the same for the hours in the Little Office every day — but it was getting to be too much for my brain to process. After a while, my mind wanders and I can’t concentrate on the prayers any longer. So, instead of beating myself up over it, I opted to go with the shorter prayers in the Little Office. That way I can concentrate on the little that I do pray and focus on my time in prayer with God. My logic behind this is that short prayers said more devoutly and with more concentration are better than longer ones that was read/prayed on autopilot.
I also chose which prayers I could let go for a while. I’m on month 3-4 of the Annunciation novena and that’s one of the shorter prayers/novenas so I kept that in. I break down the Rosary into decades said throughout the day instead of doing them all in one go. The confraternity prayers are kept in. Obviously, the Little Office is being prayed. I also use the daily Mass as my break after lunch and before I do something else (not prayer related). It still feels like a lot but — until I can talk to my SD about whether this needs to be pared down further — I’ll keep it as is.
I’ll admit that I felt like a bit like a failure when I had to “downgrade” from the Diurnal to the Little Office. After all, I’ve been using the Diurnal for years. I hadn’t used the Little Office (at all) in about 2 years. Should I be used to the Diurnal at this point? Shouldn’t I struggle with concentration instead of giving into something easier? Thankfully, those negative thoughts were quickly replaced by more positive ones. I reminded myself that St. Benedict said he prefers shorter prayers to longer ones as long as they are said with the heart. He also said we should do what we can to the best of our abilities. Right now, shorter prayers are the best I can do with the state of my physical and mental health (and I do consider the brain fog/lack of concentration as part of a mental health issue though I may be wrong in doing so). God knows what I’m capable of and what I’m currently going through. I like to think He appreciates my efforts and won’t look down on having given up longer prayers for shorter ones. It was an admitted metaphorical shin kick to my pride but perhaps that’s what I needed.
I’m only on day 2-3 of starting this new prayer routine but I’ve already started seeing that my mind isn’t so flustered. My mind did wander a bit during this morning’s Prime and Terce hours but I’ve been exhausted today so that may be the reason for the lack of concentration. But I was better able to stop my wandering mind and redirect it back to the Hours which was so much harder to do when I prayed the Diurnal. Once my spiritual director gives me the okay to return to the Diurnal, I will. For now, I think this is what’s best for me. Back to the basics and back to keeping things simple.
It’s still very early on with the changes so I can’t say it’ll be exactly what will get me back on track but I’m hopeful. I know I’ll have to add a little more sleep to my schedule to help the concentration since I haven’t been able to nap for several days despite the fatigue due to my current schedule and trips to the ER. I hope that once these trips and my scheduled surgical procedure next Friday (July 15th) are done with, I’ll be able to rest a little more… until my next round of appointments.
Anyway, LAPL just let me know they got a copy of “The Extraordinary Parents of St. Thérèse of Lisieux: Sts. Louis and Zélie Martin” by Helene Mongin (which I recommended for purchase several months ago) on eBook so I’m going to go start that on my Kindle before I watch the daily Mass. I’ll attempt take a nap after the Mass. the kids are in the pool (and I live by the pool area) but maybe my noise-cancelling headphones will help.
I hope you’re all having a lovely start of the week.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ☺️
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