I have a confession to make: I’ve not been well. I haven’t been well for months. This is something I don’t really talk about in public as much as I used to but it’s been an ongoing reality that has been placed on my heart as something I should share.
I’ve been on a cycle of mini relapses for months. I say “mini relapses” because they’re stuff I can wait out at home for. Except for that ER trip in January that my former endocrinologist asked me to make to get an emergency dose of hydrocortisone to prevent an adrenal crisis after being unable to eat for almost 2 weeks, I haven’t gone to the hospital since I was released from the last in-patient stay in November 2020. We *have* had to call the paramedics a couple of times just to make sure I wasn’t going through an adrenal crisis but, thankfully, I’ve been able to stay at home. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy.
I’m pretty much in bed all day, every day. I do get breaks in between relapses — a couple of days at a time — in which I have a chance to do a little extra exercise (dancing is my preference) and get outside for fresh air and sunlight (when I can do so without worrying about being in anyone’s way as I can’t easily move out of the way… or know when someone is coming my way). But, for the most part, I’m at home and in bed.
I pray. A lot. I get all Hours in except for Matins because I try to stick to a regular and early-ish bedtime. I read (or “read”/listen to audiobooks). I write, though I haven’t been able to work on novel four for almost 2 months now; not since this last relapse started. I think. A lot. I try to keep my stress levels as low as possible and I’ve learned to let go of the guilt I felt for extra sleep when my body asks for rest. I eat as well as I can and I stay on a regular eating schedule since I have two different medications, one of which I take 3 times per day (for my secondary adrenal insufficiency). Sticking to that somewhat “rigid” schedule has helped me out a lot but I still have my really hard days. Today is one of them.
This morning I was trying to pray Terce while shaking and sweating cold, lightheadedness making it near impossible to concentrate on the words. And it’s not the first time I’ve had to do that. I’ll be praying and fighting off an intense fatigue that rarely wins but also rarely helps me concentrate. I’ll be trying to do xyz while feeling abc. Debilitating migraines. Intense physical pains and aches. Physical weakness. Lightheadedness. Visual ping-pong. Etc. I try to do what I can and not beat myself over something I can’t do. I do my best and trust that God knows I’ve given all I can.
My bedside table is full with an EpiPen, a box of tissues, a portable blood pressure machine, a large weekly pill box with all the medications I take, the bottles of medications, and all the water I’ll need to drink for the day for the medication. But it also has a pocket radio, the olive wood Rosary beads I got as a present to myself to commemorate my Final Act of Oblation at Clear Creek Abbey, and I have a Benedictine crucifix and a picture of St. Joseph hanging on the wall next to it. It’s a beautiful mix of physical and spiritual needs being met.
I wish I could say that I’ve been getting to daily Mass but I haven’t. I actually haven’t been to a physical Mass since October 27th of last year. Yes, I remember the day. Except for the couple of days I was at Clear Creek Abbey and was able to attend Mass and even pray alongside my brother monks multiple times a day in the crypt last summer, the number of times I’ve been able to attend a physical Mass since my diagnoses in late 2020 have been a handful. It’s depressing and part of that has fed my feelings of being an inadequate Catholic — and of not being worthy of being a future bride of Christ — when I went through the spiritual desert and when I endure spiritual attacks (which I always bring to my SD to make sure they’re actual attacks and not a medical thing). I do watch the daily Mass on EWTN, even if I do end up unable to fight off the intense fatigue and sleep through the second half of it. I try. Hard.
I think I don’t write or talk about this as much anymore because I’ve accepted it as part of my life. I used to fight being seen as the “sick one”
In my friends group because I didn’t want to seem weak or unlovable. But I’ve found so much strength in my weakness and illnesses. It’s when I feel closest to God. It’s when I feel like I’m learning to let go and trust God… and I think this is the biggest reason why I don’t talk about it.
I used to tweet when I felt very sick out of fear. I used to ask for prayers because I was terrified of what would happen to me. Not so much anymore. Yes, I will worry when some symptoms are so bad that I think it may be a sign of a potential adrenal crisis but, for the most part, I try to stay calm and trust that God will make sure I have the help I need when I need it. I trust that the Holy Spirit will enlighten my mind to know what to do (e.g. call the paramedics or not; go to the ER or not). I trust that whatever happens will happen because it’s God’s Will for me.
If it’s God’s will for me to be sick, I trust that it’ll bring good fruits, even if it’s not for me. If this is temporary or if this will my biggest life-long cross, only He knows. I’ll just have to keep trusting that He will continue to give me the graces necessary to endure it all.
And I’m so very grateful for what I do have. I have a roof over my head. I have food in my stomach. I have clothing to keep me covered and warm. I have amazing family and friends who look out for me. I have an amazing SD who should be canonized just on all he’s had to go through with me and my cotton-headed ninny-muggins-ness. lol. I’m so incredibly blessed that the suffering seems like nothing.
And, yes, I trust that if Christ wants me to be His bride as I so deeply believe He does, I know this will not be an impediment to making the consecration a reality. As I wrote a couple of weeks ago, there are a couple more obstacles (one of which was unforeseen) that I need to be patient about before the next step. I’ll wait for it as long as I have to since it will change nothing about my life except having the official title (if God is truly calling me to the vocation of being a consecrated virgin living in the world). I’m already living life as I would as a professed CV and Jesus has my heart.
Anyway, just wanted to share this little update with y’all. I’m not physically well but I’ll be okay otherwise. I see the blessings in all the pain and suffering and it’s a beautiful way to live life. I know, it sounds weird but that’s how I feel and what I think. L
I hope you’re all having a lovely week thus far.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ☺️
No comments:
Post a Comment