I’ve wanted to escape my hometown for as long as I can remember. I applied to universities out of state and abroad because I wanted to leave Los Angeles. I got close a couple of times — for university and even right before COVID hit and before I lost my eyesight and was diagnosed with secondary adrenal insufficiency. But things never panned out.
I remember my former spiritual director being 100% supportive of my leaving but, when nothing ever worked out, him telling me that perhaps God simply wanted me to stay in L.A. It was difficult to accept because I did *not* want to stay.
Without getting too personal (as other people are involved), I wanted to leave because I wasn’t in a good place. I was surrounded by toxicity that was hurting me in more ways than one. That’s why my former SD and why other priests (and friends) who knew my situation were in favor of me packing up and moving away. I kept wondering why God wanted me to stick around when I was suffering. That question remained until I had a theory.
Again, without getting into specifics, I believe I figured out that He wanted me to stay because I needed to repair and heal from those toxic relationships and I wouldn’t be able to do it as well if I just left. No amount of distance would heal those wounds. I would only be running away from them to keep from having to face them and deal with them. And that’s when it hit me that that’s my toxic trait — running away to not deal with the unpleasant.
I don’t like conflict. I don’t like drama. I have been known to quite literally get up and physically leave if I’m feeling uncomfortable or don’t want to deal with whatever unpleasantness is brewing. That’s why I leave; why I jump ship on anything. It wasn’t until recently that it made me stop and go, “Why am I fleeing if we’re not meant for comfort on earth?”
I thought I had enough with my physical sufferings but it never dawned on me that perhaps that wasn’t the only thing God was asking me to endure and to learn to suffer in it better.
So, with those thoughts in mind, I’ve been wondering about what I’m going to do regarding my consecration (if it’s God’s will). I’ve not yet met with Archbishop Gomez because I’m still in a process that will remove the last big obstacle to my candidacy for consecrated virginity lived in the world. Once that gets resolved, all steam ahead. But what if I’ve also not moved forward because God no longer wants me here?
With the way things are going in L.A. — and California in general — I no longer want to live here. Yes, it would be “running away” from the increasingly hostile environment but this time it would be a little different. I wouldn’t be leaving with any wounds. I wouldn’t be leaving to escape anything but poor living conditions. Politically and socially, L.A. and the majority of California is a wasteland. This state is absolutely beautiful when it comes to nature (coastlines, forests, mountains, the weather, etc) but it’s not a good place otherwise. Knowing that once my mother passes, I’ll have to fend for myself — and taking into consideration the potential dangers of a single woman with a visual impairment living on her own — I’m really trying to figure out what I should do.
Does God want me to stay in L.A. because I have something to offer this archdiocese? Will He finally grant me my desire to leave the state? And if so, where does He want me to go?
As a Benedictine oblate, I take stability seriously. As a CV I’ll also have to stay put as moving isn’t as easy as making the decision and physically moving. CVs have to talk to their bishops and then the bishop has to talk to the bishop of the archdiocese where the CV might potentially move, etc. It’s a big deal and process because stability is also important for us. Since I’ve not yet been consecrated or even been presented as a candidate, I can still be consecrated anywhere. There is still time before moving becomes more difficult.
So, that’s where I am today. With my current case coming closer to an end — I might see a decision made as soon as early August — I have to be more intentional about praying about where God wants me. Where can whatever I have to offer be best used? Where am I needed? If He wants me here, I’ll simply have to continue accepting that I’m stuck here for reasons I may never know while on this earth. If He wants me to leave, I pray it’ll be clear to me. I have a couple of places I’d consider moving to but only God knows.
Anyway, I think I’m going to try to get a little nap in. Neighbors have been noisier than usual at night and in the wee hours of the morning and I’ve been incredibly physically fatigued for some reason. Maybe it’s the heat and the fact that our central air conditioning isn’t working well? *shrugs* I have my first endocrinology appointment with my new doctor tomorrow morning so maybe she can shed some light on potential causes if it’s not from poor sleep.
I hope you are all having a lovely day so far! Happy feast of St. Thomas More (one of my all-time favorite saints) to all!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ☺️
P.S. Blogger nor Google is allowing me to respond to any comments left on the blog so please excuse me if I haven’t been able to reply. It’s not that I don’t want to; they’re just not letting me. But I read them and wish I could have discussions with y’all!
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