Embracing Femininity While Blind: Makeup, Dresses, & the Fear of Vanity

 “Okay, but is it vain of me to want this?”

This has been my perpetual question this year as I’ve begun trying to slowly ease my way back into “normal” things I haven’t been able to do in years… including having to replace a majority of my wardrobe and embracing parts of my femininity that I haven’t had a chance to do in years.

Fair warning to my male readers: I don’t know how much you’ll enjoy this post as I’m going to talk about clothing and makeup for the majority of the post. If you’re intrigued about what us ladies go through or have daughters and want to know what they may deal with when they get older, you can go ahead and read this. There isn’t anything scandalous in this post that I wouldn’t say in front of a priest.

Wardrobe:

I’m the type of person who buys a piece of clothing and wears in for years, until it’s no longer useable. Most of my clothes are/were on its last legs and with my weight gain (much appreciated after battling with being underweight for years prior to my health diagnoses), I’ve had to slowly replace my wardrobe. My style has changed a lot since I last purchased the vast majority of my wardrobe — going from preferring jeans to dresses and skirts — so I’ve had to figure out how to purchase things that will not only fit me and my style… but also do it with my visual impairment. I’ve had to rely heavily on friends and my mom for this because of obvious reasons. But this hasn’t been the most challenging part. I’m still slowly replacing things and have a way to go but I know I will still rely heavily on others to be my eyes and tell me what does and does not fit; what fits my standards of modesty and what doesn’t. 

Makeup: 

Do you know how hard it is to do your makeup with a visual impairment? Holy wow! If it wasn’t for the inspiration I got from a lovely lady who is completely blind (whereas I’m legally blind but have a little bit of residual sight) and still does her makeup (and well!) I probably wouldn’t have bothered trying. Prior to learning that Lucy was still able to embrace that part of her femininity despite her blindness, I thought that part of my life would no longer be relevant to me.

The first big obstacle: skin tone color change

After being determined to learn how to do my makeup despite my visual impairment, I had one big obstacle: figuring out my skin tone color. I was very much a light, cool undertone (used C1-2-3 in L’Oreal’s True Match products) and was very pale because of my chronic anemia and low platelets. While I’ve always been on the lighter side of the skin tone spectrum, I didn’t know what my color would be now that I’m no longer sickly pale. 

So, I did the research. I went on the website to my preferred makeup brand (L’Oreal) and I used their virtual makeup app to “apply” different shades. I then sent a ton of screen caps of different shades to my friend, Edith, and had her help me figure out which shade best suit me. After narrowing down the colors, I got a couple to try and had my mom see which shade fit me best after applying it and having it dry. I found out I’m now a N4-5; a light-medium neutral undertone… which helped me with the next task… helping me figure out my seasonal palette.

Second big obstacle: a new seasonal color palette

Knowing that I was no longer considered a “cool” undertone explained a lot, including why my dress for my Oblation ceremony didn’t look as well as it did when I first tried it on. It was a darker sky blue with white polka dots. It looked great when I first purchased it… before I got super tanned. On the way to Clear Creek Abbey, I sat in the front passenger seat and got very tanned without realizing it. I hadn’t had a tan since maybe my early 20s so I didn’t think I could no longer wear all the colors in the Dark/Deep Winter seasonal color palette.

I did some digging to see if I was now considered a warm undertone (despite being neutral in makeup) but the various quizzes I did and the websites I visited kept giving me colors that didn’t actually look good on me. Based on my hair and eye color (both dark brown) and other factors, I kept getting Dark/Deep Autumn as a my seasonal color… but only about a third to a half of the colors suit me (according to those who helped me with this). On the flip side, I wasn’t supposed to look good with a a majority of the Dark/Deep Winter colors but about half to two-thirds still fit me.

The “Eureka!” Moment: Neutral, Light Olive Tone with Dark/Deep Seasonal Palette

I was perplexed until i stumbled across a YouTube video (https://youtu.be/uEYWhFYTEcE) by Audrey Coyne that helped me figure out that the reason why I always had issues with makeup (even before my visual impairment) and wardrobe colors was because I was neither a true cool or warm undertone… and that I was a light olive tone which tends to run neutral with a slight leaning towards cool when not tanned. And that’s when the pieces fell together — why I never found the right foundation or lipstick shade for me; why I was having trouble with recent wardrobe colors I could once pull off. It was my “Eureka!” moment that set me off on the path that has begun fulfilling my journey to “adorn” (my randomly-chosen word of the year) myself better.

On Ms. Coyne’s recommendations, I began looking up celebrities she suggested as having true olive skin (note: olive doesn’t always mean tan and can range from pale olive tone to dark olive tone). I found a kindred spirit in both Audrey Tautou (for winter months) and Nina Dobrev (most of the year) and saw what colors they wore to get an idea of what could work for me. I found that I can dip into both the Dark/Deep Autumn and Winter color palettes and that I can no longer pull off most blues, greens, and yellows which the majority of my wardrobe consisted of in recent years.

I started getting makeup (still L’Oreal for now as well as some Honest Beauty Co. and Burt’s Bees while I get used to figuring out how to apply and where). I started practicing on how to do things despite not being able to see details and some colors (this is where I rely heavily on my mother for concealer correction for dark spots). I’ve enjoyed the process… so much so that it made me want to up my skin care routine. 

Here’s my first attempt at applying makeup (dans eyebrow color) while visually impaired (and the first time I wore makeup in years):

Third big obstacle: worrying about $$$ and whether my new journey was vanity

I’ve tried many things to help with my skin care but only one thing worked. I used it for years… until I realized that I could no longer purchase things from them. For the first time in over a a decade, I had to try something new. I broke out for the first time in years. Add my hormones changing  as my recovery process continues and you’ve got a big mess. I kept hearing good things about brands that were more expensive but worked so I decided to dip into my paltry savings from my last paycheck (from months ago) and I purchased a cleanser from La Roche-Posay. I loved it but it only worked temporarily. I found out they had other products that would work better for my skin  and got excited… until I saw the price tags. Ouch. Mom encouraged me to get a couple of the basics — a cleanser and a moisturizer (which I learned I still need despite having oily skin for the first time since my early 20s; before I got sick) — and chalk it up as a birthday gift. The price tag made my eyes water but I got them anyway. Well, for a couple of hours. I ended up canceling the order from Amazon because it was all too expensive for me. Back to my wish list the items went. I began to be consumed with both guilt of the cost (especially knowing our financial situation) and the worry that I was falling into vanity. And the latter is nothing new. 

I’ve wrestled with the fear that dressing nicely, wearing makeup, and taking care of my skin will lead me down a path of vanity… if I’m not already there. 

See, I used to be incredibly vain. I was never the “pretty one” but I was always “tall, lanky, pretty hair, and big pretty eyes.” Those comments made me vain. I played up my features that got compliments and that would only feed that monster. Then I got sick. And lost my eyesight… and hair… and those “envious” long lashes and full eyebrows I always got compliments on. 

Pre-diagnosis, I’d lost my hair in clumps and had large bald spots all over. My hair was thin and brittle. In recent months, my hair has grown back but it’s different now. It’s as thick as it once was but now it’s coming in literal waves instead of straight. I have no idea how to style it but I’ll learn. Here’s an actual picture of what my hair now looks like freshly washed… and that’s with conditioner.

My eyelashes are now short and thin; long gone are the thick black eyelashes that needed no mascara (except clear). And my eyebrows? Gone. I’ll share pictures of when I was 22 (picture in red shirt) vs a screen cap from a recent private video I shared with a handful of people (taken earlier this month) so you can see the difference. 

I can’t see the difference but knowing there’s a difference… it makes me want to embrace that side of my femininity that has gotten neglected. But, again, I fear that it’s vanity.

If I’m being honest, I think it’s a mix of some potential vanity but also wanting to look my best for better reasons. I don’t want to look sick or draw attention to myself for the wrong reasons. I want to look nice and put together. I noticed that when I put on the bit of mineral foundation and the tinted lip balm when I go outside, I don’t feel as self-conscious and I’m able to enjoy the sunshine and the exercise (I only go out for doctor appointments or to get some vitamin D while walking back and forth in front our apartment). I obviously don’t worry about dressing to impress or wearing makeup to look nice for anyone else so that part of my former vanity is gone… but the fear of relapsing into that is still there.

How does one balance wanting to look nice and presentable while keeping vanity at bay? How does one “adorn” oneself and embrace beauty (because beauty is also a gift from God) and have it be done in the right mind frame? And most importantly (for me): how does a reformed tomboy who once prided herself on not wearing makeup embrace her now natural inclination for dresses and skirts and (gasp!) wanting to wear makeup without worrying about vanity? Oh! And how do I get over the guilt of spending so much on good quality items? Those last two are the big ones for me. 

Ladies, I’m all ears as this is all brand-new territory for me. I’m not asking for makeup brand suggestions though I will take good, high quality dress shop suggestions. I just want to know how y’all balance all of this. As I said, I was a tomboy growing up. I played sports. I lived in jeans and t-shirts for most of the year and rarely wore dresses and skirts. I’ve worn makeup up on and off but have always been super low maintenance about it. Now it’s the opposite, except maybe the makeup. I’m keeping that to the basics: mineral foundation (as I don’t have the eyesight for anything more), concealer for under eye circles and post-acne dark spots, blush, mascara, and (soon to try) eyebrow color. All of that I will learn through practice… but I want to know how to prepare my heart for these things and let go of scruples (if they count as such) regarding these topics.

Anyway, this blog post is sufficiently long so I’ll stop here.

Again, any suggestions or thoughts y’all may have that could help me out would be greatly appreciated.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

A Break from Novel Four

 

(Originally posted on my Instagram account this afternoon.)

I’ve been on a creative kick that has allowed me to work out a lot of gaps in the novel that I needed to figure out. It’s been wonderful & on some days I’ve felt like I didn’t have enough hours to write. & then I hit a major case of writer’s block today that started stressing me out. 

“I have a deadline! I have my heart set on getting it published on May 27th! Why now?!”

Through the words of Ven. Fulton Sheen (who was speaking on my “best friend in Heaven”, St. Therese), I realized that this break was a gift from God for several reasons.

I was straying off the path I wanted to take this novel in order to not “alienate” potential readers. Instead of speaking the truth, I was tiptoeing around certain topics to avoid “triggering” people.

I saw pride rearing its ugly little head in having one more accomplishment, despite my visual impairment, that I could boast about.

After praying None, I was reminded of a conversation I had with my spiritual director several weeks ago. The current version of novel is entirely different from when I started. I didn’t like the message it was giving so I took it to prayer. After the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena, the new direction became clear & it worked for several weeks… until I started straying again. It didn’t really hit me until I couldn’t figure out how to bridge the midpoint of the novel to the ending.

I think God may be calling me to take a little break to pray. I know feelings can lead us astray but I feel a desire to take this novel to prayer — more specifically to sit in silence before the Blessed Sacrament — & let Him guide me as to what to do with it. 

“It’s not ready” are the words I hear from my Beloved in the deepest parts of my heart. “Take a break & spend time with Me. This is more important.”

So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take a break from writing. Now that I know EWTN has a live adoration feed, I’m going to spend some time in contemplative silence & be with Him. I don’t know what will happen in the future but I don’t believe anything bad will come from this. On the contrary, I believe this is far more important “work” than what I’ve been doing the last couple of months.

Curiosity and Connectivity Get Me in Trouble

 How I wish I could live at Clear Creek Abbey (where this picture was taken) and live a simpler and more disconnected life. Cell service is spotty and WiFi is even spottier at the monastery.

Two of my biggest struggles lately have been finding the right balance between knowing and being content with not knowing squat… and disconnecting to try to achieve the latter. Let me explain…

I’m a curious person by nature. I always have been. I want to know everything because (almost) everything fascinates me. I want to know how things work. I want to know how things affect people. I want to know how to make things better… or more efficient. Worst of all, I want to know what I can do to make the idealized version of life that I have in my mind a reality.

I read books to gain knowledge (and also to escape from reality at times). I follow people on social media who inspire me to be the best version of myself. I learn from them. I can’t seem to get enough of the former and I try to be careful of the latter since I don’t want to lose who I am to and try to fit myself in a mold of someone I’m not. Between the people I follow on social media (especially on Instagram) and the internet’s bottomless pit of information, it’s become hard for me to disconnect.

“What if I miss something important?” is the question that is perpetually on my mind.

This curiosity has gotten me into so much trouble over the years. Curiosity has led me down paths I’ve wished I’d never taken; gained knowledge that I unfortunately cannot ever forget. I think it’s been something we’ve all had to face at some point of our lives but it’s always been hard for me because of that seemingly insatiable need to know. 

That curiosity led me to study many subjects in school. I changed my major no less than half a dozen times before settling on Religious Studies. I’m not saying that knowledge is bad. It’s not. Knowing helps in many situations… but sometimes it hurts. I don’t regret going to college and grad school though, if it hadn’t been for the student loan forgiveness I received due to my permanent disability (bilateral optic nerve atrophy and subsequent legal blindness), I’d still owe close to $47,000. That is a heavy financial cross to carry. And, even worse, with knowledge came pride.

I was so proud of being “well educated.” A Bachelor of Arts in Religious Studies, a Master of Arts in Biblical Theology, and a second Bachelor of Science in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education — they all looked pretty on my resume even though I didn’t finish the MA or the second Bachelor’s because I got too sick to finish them. See how I didn’t add that I didn’t finish them until the end? That was my way of thinking. I was proud (in the worst way) of knowing; of having some of those achievement under my belt. 

When I reverted to Catholicism, I want to learn it all. Partly out of curiosity and partly that pride of knowing more. It was a vicious cycle. 

At some point during this past Lent, it became glaringly obvious that I needed to nip this unhealthy “need” to know all in the bud. It was that curiosity that had me have some difficult conversations with my spiritual director about things that had become obstacles for me over the years that I could not, in good conscience, keep indulging if I was called to be a bride of Christ. That has led me to where I am now.

Remembering the wise words that Jordan Burke once said on his Instagram account a few months ago, there’s no need to know everything that’s going on. He was talking about how some Catholics are hyper-connected with what’s going on at the Vatican and outside and feel the need to critique or argue with others over what’s going on but it applies to life as well. 

Think about all the holy men and women who’ve lived since the beginning. How many of them only knew the Word of God and managed to live a holier life than most of us? They didn’t know what was going on worldwide or even (as Christianity spread) what was happening with the Pope and/or other religious superiors. It’s not bad that we know about what’s going on but I think sometimes we go a little too far and we engross ourselves too much with what’s going on outside that we fail to take care of our own souls and the souls of those entrusted to our care. 

With that mind, I’ve been trying to find ways to disconnect. It’s been a lot of trial and error (with a heavy emphasis on error, lol). I’ve found what works best for me and what doesn’t. I’ve figured out what triggers that curiosity and when it will lead to good and when it will lead to wasted time and brain space, e.g. what the Catechism says about a particular subject = good, why celebrity A is trending on Twitter = bad about 99.99% of the time.

I’m on day 7 of the Blessed Carlo Acutis novena (in celebration of his birthday) and one of my intentions is the same as always: to help me quick the social media addiction… and by that I mean Instagram. That’s where I get my quick dopamine hits and where I get most of my updates and news. I’ve been trying to stay off of it lately and have found other things to help but it’s still a struggle, especially when I know certain accounts are very active and I really love their content. However, I’m fully committed to finding the right balance and to help me with that I must remember that it’s okay if I miss something that is posted.

“If I’m meant to know it, God will make sure I get the information.” This has been the motto I’ve been trying to adopt in recent weeks. Every time the monkey on my back is bugging me to check this or that to make sure I don’t miss something “important”, I try to remind myself this motto. “No,” my inner monologue begins, “I don’t need to check anything. If I’m meant to know it, the news will get to me somehow.” I still fail but I’m trying and I will continue to try until I find a healthier balance and re-train my brain to only seek the good, the true, and the beautiful.

And with that, I’m ending today’s post. I have roughly 26 days to finish novel four (still untitled) before the tentative release date of May 27th so I have something to keep my mind occupied for now.

I hope y’all had a great week and have a beautiful weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

The Waiting Game

 

Ever want to move forward but something that you cannot avoid is delaying things? If so, you know exactly what I’m feeling right now.

I officially started my vocation discernment in November 2019. I started meeting with my current spiritual director (who has been the only one to guide me through this journey) in February 2020. The unofficial “minimum” of 2 years of discernment has come & gone & I’m still waiting. 

During the terrible (yet ultimately fruitful) spiritual desert I endured for months, I began questioning whether I was meant to become a consecrated virgin living in the world. There were too many obstacles & I was stagnant. I was not moving forward but I also wasn’t being knocked back. I was just… stuck. So, I wondered if I was truly meant for this vocation until my SD not only reassured me that he believed I was but also gave me the green light to move forward once I came out of the desert. 

I came out of that desert shortly before Lent began this year but I still feel stuck because of one major obstacle that is out of my hands. Well, technically, one of two if you count waiting for Archbishop Gomez to give me the green light to begin preparing myself for a consecration ceremony as an obstacle but I don’t. Before I can get to that final stage, I have one big obstacle that (at this rate) can last anywhere between another week & 1.5 years. Yeah, it’s that unpredictable. This *one* thing is absolutely necessary as it is one of the most important requirements to become a CV. I started this process months ago but it’s a slow process as it involves another (secular) institution which I have no control over. 

The waiting stinks because I’m as certain as I can be that this is my vocation without Archbishop Gomez confirming it. I’ve discerned it long enough to be sure. I’m old enough to know what I’m prepared to commit myself to for life. I’ve discerned other vocations. I’ve started wearing my Claddagh ring as a physical sign that my heart is taken by Christ. I’ve even created a Pinterest account to “pin” ideas for a consecration ceremony dress (thanks for the idea, Edith). But yet I still remain just a baby step closer than I was months ago. 

I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter how long I wait; that it will change nothing but the official status of vocation. Right now I’m a “wannabe CV”. If/when I get consecrated, I’ll belong the Order of Consecrated Virgins; one of the two(?) consecrated virgins living in the world for the Los Angeles Archdiocese. That’s it. That will be the only change. I’m already living my life as I would as a CV… but it’s that waiting to make things official that is making me a bit impatient. Ladies, is this how it feels when you want to marry your beloved but have to wait? If so, how did y’all do it? 

Perhaps I need this longer waiting period for reasons I’m currently unaware of. Do I need to grow more in my relationship with Christ? Do I need to get healthier? Are there bad habits or something I need to work on that would keep me from becoming a better CV than I would be right now? I don’t know. God only knows. I just know that I have to be patient & trust that everything will happen when it’s meant to happen; when God says it’s time. That doesn’t mean I won’t have these moments of incredible impatience but it’s something I can always offer up, right? 

Anyway, just a few discernment thoughts I wanted to share because people have been asking about my discernment lately. Please say a prayer for me as I wait to move forward. May God grant me the graces to wait with patience, to grow into the bride Christ deserves, & to keep falling deeper in love with my Beloved future Spouse (God willing).

I have about a month to finish novel four & I still have a lot to do so… time to do a little more work on that. 

I hope y’all had a beautiful octave of Easter & are enjoying the rest of Easter. We still have a couple more weeks of it so… celebrate! :)

As always, thanks for reading & God bless!

Picture: Downtown L.A., next to the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, taken by me.

I Saw the Face of the Moon for the First Time in 2 Years

I saw the face of the moon for the first time in almost two years last night & it made me tear up. I couldn’t help saying, “What a beautiful gift God has given me on the vigil of Easter.”

My Lent was beautiful yet hard. God showed me that I’m not my sins & that the mistakes I had made didn’t mean I was unlovable or doomed. Instead He showed me that I’m still His beloved daughter & He would always be waiting for me with arms wide open, as the father did for the prodigal son. There will always be hope for me, no matter how arduous the spiritual desert might be. (Side note: I’m definitely completely out of it at this point & have been for weeks.)

God showed me that the parts of myself that I loved & thought were lost forever are still within me. I just have to not let the negativity & doubts keep me down. It’s easier said than done but some of the characteristics I rediscovered should help me along the way. 

He showed me what sins, vices, & (particularly) what root sin keep tripping me up. He made me completely aware of things I either didn’t see properly or tried to excuse; things that keep me from Him. I saw what my shortcomings are & how hard of an uphill battle I have for each of them. At the same time, He showed me how these things could be combated. These battles won’t be easy & it might be a lifelong struggle to get rid of some of them but it will be worth the hard work to win the war. 

I failed at some of my Lenten sacrifices (honestly, who didn’t this year?) but I found good things about myself in those failures. I saw that I’ve begun to grow & mature in my spiritual life. I’ve become a lot more Benedictine in my everyday life & have even started to embrace moderation in all things. Those who know me well know this is nothing short of miraculous because it’s been something I’ve always struggled with. I’m very much a “go big or go home” person; I’m either all in and go 110% or I do nothing. Or, I used to. 

I saw that my failures weren’t always failures as my way of thinking has begun to shift. Instead of beating myself over not completing a self-appointed task or goal, I was able to see that I expect too much of myself… and barely anything from God. I want to control things; to do what I can to make sure I can get things done. And it doesn’t work like that. Sometimes (okay, most of the time), I need to let go and let God take care of things. I’ll do my part but I need to become a lot more dependent on Him. It makes complete sense since He is all good and knowing and I’m a sinful cotton-headed ninny-muggins who knows squat and fails all the time. Yet He will lovingly teach me what I need to know like a father does for a child. 

I need to learn to trust Him more; to be more child-like in my dependency on Him. Just like I failed in my Lenten penance to not nap (when my body & mind obviously needed it), I’m going to let go of these harsh, restrictive ideas & goals for myself. I’m going to take everything to God (and my spiritual director), take my time to discern whatever comes up, and move forward with confidence, trusting that He is leading me down the path He wants me to take. That won’t mean I won’t fall flat on my tush sometimes as I am still human but, even if I *do* fail at times, doing my best is really all I *can* do and He will love me regardless. 

I can’t possibly put into words all the graces I’ve received & all the love I’ve felt from Christ this Lenten season but I hope that the new path I unintentionally embarked on will speak for itself.

Just like I saw craters on the face of the moon for the first time since losing my eyesight almost two years ago — albeit in little chunks with help of glasses as I can only see a tiny bit out of only my left eye — I know God will continue to show me more of who I am — who I’ve always been — & how being true to myself, following His lead, & not letting others influence or dictate my thoughts & actions will lead me to a place of eternal beauty. I’m grateful for the reintroduction to myself & look forward to seeing what else God has in store for me as I move forward on this beautiful path He has set me on.

I hope you all had a fruitful Lenten season!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!