2015: The Year This Nerd Saw Blessings During Trials

The original title to this post was "2015: The Year This Nerd Survived!"... until I got to the end of the post and I realized how blessed I was during the year of crazy... because this year was craziness. Yes, the title seems a bit dramatic but I seriously couldn't think of any other way to describe my year. I survived... and I thrived (in a way)! lol.

Boy, it's been quite the year. Even though it seems like the bad has outweighed the good, I feel like it was quite the opposite. Don't believe me? Keep on reading. ;)

January: There were a few changes to this blog during the first month of the year. First, I decided to no longer use memes or .gifs that had copyrighted material. To my knowledge, I was one of the first Catholic blogs who started using these memes and .gifs before it caught on. I stand by my decision to use stock photos that are royalty free as well as .gifs of web series' and films that either allow the use of .gifs or are free domain. I also had two major breakthrough moments: I drove to the Cathedral despite the downtown area being panic attack inducing (without having panic attack) and I began the road to learning to love myself as I am. I believe these two helped me get through the rest of the year with as little anxiety as possible (seriously, I have minimal anxiety this year). Oh yeah, and I accepted to Christendom College for graduate school.

February: My big brother came to visit from Texas and it was the first time I'd seen him since my undergraduate graduation ceremony in 2012. Those who know me personally know how his departure to Dallas has been a hard transition since he assumed the role as "man of the house" after dad passed away but his return only helped us realized that we've been able to do very well on our own. Mama G and I are independent women. lol. I also answered some questions regarding the Will and Lina series (undoubtedly due to the release of the paperbacks) and made big steps to wean myself off of social media during Lent and had some success. I really enjoyed the simpler life without much technology and have just decided to make a new goal for me in 2016. I backslid quite a bit after Lent. Like, a lot. It's not as bad as previous years but still not where I'd like to be. lol. For those of you wondering how I am doing following my admission to having mild depression, I'm doing much better, thank you. :)

March: I started my favorite month of the year by reflecting on Spiritual Motherhood (my second most popular post of the year), which led to a deeper serenity regarding my vocation. I learned to actually like silence (which I struggled with before). I was accepted to both Franciscan University of Steubenville and John Paul the Great University, the latter being where I currently attend grad school. St. Therese helped get me through the dry spells during the Lenten season, Also, who would've predicted that the year that I finally felt a connection to the ever elusive St. Joseph (who taught me great lessons this year) would also be the year that he was voted my patron saint for the following year?

One of the biggest trials of the year came when I had to say "goodbye" to one of my best and oldest friends. That was, by far, one of the more difficult lessons I learned this year. Sometimes you have to let go of people or situations that do you more harm than good. They may be wonderful but if you find yourself being pulled away from God, you know it's time to walk away. I still pray for her and I wish her nothing but the best.

April: One of my best friends came to visit from Indiana towards the end of the month. We ended up celebrating my birthday a month early, which was fine by me. lol. We also ended up meeting a number of incredibly inspiring Catholic lady bloggers when we all went to watch Little Boy at a local cinema. I also shared some of the lecture notes from my CINO (Catholic in Name Only) alma mater. Yes, all that was really said.

My most popular blog post of the year (about 3x as many hits as the rest) was the one on romantic disappointments. I guess a lot of people were able to relate to it on some level. I think that's the most open I've ever been regarding my personal life, which y'all have probably noticed is a topic I rarely talk about on the blog. I'm happy to report that I'm in a good place in regards to my personal life. Yes, I'm still single but I'm very at peace with my current state of life because I know God is still preparing me for my future fella. In fact, I feel like everything bad that I endured this year all helped prepare me for the future by showing me that I am capable of handling really hard situations without being reduced to panic attacks. Admittedly, I went through a couple of toads earlier this year but it also helped me realize that my priorities when it comes to my vocation and my future fella are in the right place. :)

May: I said goodbye to my 20s and celebrated my 30th birthday. Yes, I know; I don't look or act 30. Sorry? lol. I went through a period where I felt a pressure to re-discern my vocation which was not an easy thing to endure. It caused a lot of confusion for a while. I know people meant well but, if anything, it helped reinforce my certainty regarding my vocation so I thank everyone for that!

June: This was the last calm month I had this year before things went crazy. I wrote about why I remain Catholic, why I decided to pray like a child, and I took issue with all the shade throwing I saw on social media. I also admitted to having a social media addiction and had made great progress... until the crazy that was the second half of the year began and threw those goals out the window.

July: Before the craziness began, I talked about why I had no problem living at home at my age. Then life went bananas. It started with a walk through a pretty intense spiritual desert. On the bright side, it helped me learn to entrust my loneliness to God and made the rest of the year easier in regards to those aches of loneliness single people feel. I was officially burnt out on social media at the end of the month but little did I know that intense attacks would bring me back to it. The silver lining to this was that I accepted the fact that self-care was not laziness or indulgence. At the end of the month I had an interesting reflection on vanity during my first ER trip that summer.

August: This month was slow for me because I had a couple of surgical procedures done during the month and had to rest for a couple of weeks. My faith and learning to trust in beginning of trials was something that I believe kept me going through the domino effect of "bad luck" that continued through this month. I admitted my past academic pride as I prepared myself for the start of grad school. I also answered and commented on the most frequently asked questions and remarks made when I meet someone offline. That was fun!

September: I started the month with nothing but gratitude. I gave Mama Mary a birthday shoutout for everything she's done for me since I felt (and still feel) like I survived the year thanks to her consistent intercessions. My third post popular post was my rant on why guys should cool it with the whole "friend zone" thing. For fun, I posted 10 facts you probably didn't (but now do) know about me. A weekend trip down memory lane helped me realize that I was on the right path in life. On the last day of the month, I began grad school on an intense note that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the quarter.

October: My first car accident as a driver was kind of crazy. Have I used that word enough yet? It unfortunately began a second domino effect in which I saw my health and my schoolwork affected. I'm actually still trying to get all of that in order to this day. I wrote about why I'm not ashamed to cry, especially after everything I endured. On the bright side: I saw my handsome little godson celebrate his first birthday. I love my little man so much. :)

November: The "bad luck" continued into November. Thankfully I'm not superstitious like I used to be. This was the month in which I began having doubts about grad school due to everything that happened. I shared why I left the Church as a teenager which was a story not many people knew about. Towards the end of the month I found myself without a spiritual director which I took very hard. I'm okay without one for now though I know I will need one in the future.

December: This month began with a crazy week in which I saw my personal safety (where I live) threatened. This is still not resolved because our new building manager is not a nice person. That's the most charitable way I can put it and I'm going to leave it at that. I survived a crazy first quarter of graduate school. I ended up failing my final Theology exam because of everything that happened in the weeks leading up to it. Thankfully my professor was merciful and I passed the class well enough to be able to stay in the program though I will have to retake the course possibly next autumn. After two months of confusion, doubts, and tears, I received my moment of clarity (thanks to the Christmas novena) that helped me decide to return to grad school after taking the winter quarter off.

There you have it: my crazy, busy, hectic, trial-filled year. I could sit here and lament about all the bad that I went through but more good came of it than bad. I was able to make it to the end of the year with little anxiety and with my faith stronger than ever. I've felt an immense peace regarding my vocation (as a wife and mother) and my career (at least in the academic sense, for now) that I'd never felt before. I feel like I'm a strong, more confident person because of everything that I went through. Yes, the year was arguably my worst year of my life thus far but even in those trials I was able to see all the blessings and for that I'm so grateful.

I hope y'all had a better year than I did, lol. Let's put this year behind us and remember that with God, we're able to get through some of the worst times. Have hope, don't forget to pray, and don't forget to love when when you're grumpy. ;)

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

Mass Adventures

I'm currently sitting at the kitchen table with a terrible stomach ache so I can't really do much right now. No, the clean-a-thon cannot possibly be done when I'm feel like curling up in a little ball on my bed. Well, I might as well blog... I mean, I'll be able to do this sitting down and it'll help distract me while I down more chamomile tea (I've already had a cup and it's not working).

Sunday was quite the interesting day. I left home for Mass 45 minutes before Mass began and I arrived half an hour late. The parish is about 20 minutes (on a good day) away. So why did it take us so long to get there? Easy: use of public transportation.

Both mom and I use a transportation system that works very similar to public transportation (i.e. buses, trains, etc) with the only difference being that they take us to the exact address. It's like Uber but cheaper and you have to book the trip the day before. There's always the chance that it's a shared ride... which is what happened to us on Sunday. But this wasn't the 2-3 person share ride, as usual. Oh no. We had to pick up and drop off a couple of people along the day and just when we were 2 miles from our parish, the driver received a message that he had to go back and pick someone up. No, he couldn't drop us off first; he had to drive back a couple of miles before driving back and dropping us off. Seriously.

So how did it start? Well, there was an elderly lady who was picked up before us and was therefore already inside the van when we were picked up. She asked if we were going to church and we confirmed that we were. She talked about how her husband used to be a pastor and how she learned to swear in different languages as a P.E. teacher. lol. From there, we went to pick up another lady who was going to her own church as well. So all 4 of us women (plus the driver) began our way towards our respective churches.

The elderly lady was the first to be dropped off. She attends a nondenominational Christian church. She wished us a blessed New Year. As we made our way to the Baptist church to drop off the next lady, she talked about being a prayer warrior which was actually quite inspiring even if she talked about things that weren't accurate (no, not theologically). After we dropped her off, we headed towards our parish. However, the driver was told to drive back and pick someone else up. Her own ride had abandoned her and our driver would be her "rescue" ride.

This lady (also quite older) was... quite understandably upset. I wouldn't be happy if my driver had bailed on me either. The way she spoke to the driver -- and then to us -- surprised me. She, very accusingly, asked him if he knew he was late. He tried to explain that her trip was a last minute addition to his scheduled route but she wasn't hearing him out. Then she got into the van, turned around, and in a snitty tone asked "where YOU late, too?" I explained to her that we weren't. In fact, we were on our way to church when we had to turn back for her. I explained it maybe 2-3 times before she was somewhat civil towards the driver and us... though that passed when she saw that we were getting dropped off first and that we were going in the opposite direction than her church.

We finally made it to Mass... half an hour late. I stayed in the back (the unofficial crying room) because I didn't want to bother anyone who was already seated. While I was there, I couldn't help but watch the babies and toddlers. They were all so joyful and friendly with each other. During the hymns, the father of one of the babies sang loudly as he watched his daughter walk around and interact with other toddlers. At times little lady would look up at her father singing and simply smile before going back to what she was doing. It was quite lovely.

I learned three things from my trip to Mass that day.

First: I took the ride as a metaphor for how life is in general. You plan on going down the straight path towards God. Sometimes there are unexpected detours but you should always focus on the bigger prize: getting to the house of the Lord. Yes, I know that sounded cheesy but it's true. We planned on being at our parish the entire hour (and then some) but it didn't work out. (side note: I couldn't stay for the next Mass because our rides were scheduled ahead of time and if I miss one more of those I'll get my eligibility suspended, making it even harder to attend Mass while I wait for my car to be returned.)

Second: I could've gotten frustrated and annoyed -- like the last lady we picked up on the way -- but I didn't because I knew that it was beyond my control. Obstacles shouldn't deter one from our main goal. As I said, I totally understood where this lady came from (I'm not always patient) but I was also reminded not to make assumptions and to not snap at people when I'm in a bad mood. It's so easy to focus on yourself and how you're feeling when things are going your way.

Third: My desire for a family in the future -- and seeing the beautiful example the young man (who was around my age) was setting for his daughter by praying and singing the hymns -- just reinforced the certainty of my vocation of future wife and mama. The fact that it happened on the feast of the Holy Family made me smile. It also gave me an additional kick to get myself in a better, healthier state in the upcoming year. I definitely need to take better care of myself. Sometimes I don't because I put others before myself but I know I'm not of use to anyone if I'm not well. I learned that the hard way this year.

So there you have it: my Mass adventure(s). It was an adventure getting there and another adventure trying to not be distracted by the little ones even though I did learn a bit more about myself there (not mentioned but also learn: I have a lot of patience when it comes to babies).

Have any of you had any similar experiences?

Anyway, I must get back to my regularly scheduled work.

I hope y'all are having a great! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

And the Patron Saint for 2016 is...

One week and 95 votes later, St. Joseph has been chosen to be this blog's patron saint for 2016. Hooray! It's kind of perfect that all 3 members of the Holy Family will my patron saints for upcoming year; St. Joseph for this blog and the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary for my offline life.

I must admit, I thought I was going to have two patron saints this year since St. Joseph and St. Padre Pio were tied for quite some time. Then St. Gemma Galgani and St. Lidwina of Schiedam suddenly caught up. It was all exciting (for me, at least) until the poll closed.

I'm not sure who had the deciding vote but I thank everyone who took some time out of their day to vote.

Because the poll was so close, I've decided to write blog posts on each of the saints that came in second place (St. Gemma Galgani, St. Lidwina of Schiedam, and St. Padre Pio) for their feast days. I'm sure I will learn valuable things from them this upcoming year. :D

Anyway, I'm going to blog again later today so I'm keeping this one short. :D

Thanks again for voting!

Why is Sensitivity Such a Bad Thing?

I was going to write about yesterday's Mass adventures (and I will, maybe tomorrow) but I read an article on Verily this morning about how sensitivity is seen as a hinderance and I'm sitting here wondering why. I mean, I know it's true -- people see that I'm sensitive and they automatically assume I'm weak -- but why is that?

I've always been sensitive, even when I was a child. Teachers would let my parents know in my report cards. "Melissa is friendly, and a bit too talkative at times, but she's prone to tears." When I see people in pain (whether it be emotional or physical), my first reaction is to tear up. That is then followed by a great desire to help them in any way that I possibly can. I don't see this as a bad thing. Well, no. I can see that there's one downside. I know I have to be careful because sometimes people will want to exploit that sensitivity for their own gain. The words "you're too nice, Jane (Bennet)" have been uttered by some of my closest friends more times than I can count.

My initial reaction to stress, anger, joy, and other (but not all) emotions is tears. Yes, this is why everyone has been banned from singing "Happy Birthday" to me on my birthday. lol. Tears are the way I release emotion so it doesn't bottle up. It's how my body takes care of itself. Some people burst out and yell or hit something when they're angry. Other people jump up and down when they're happy. I tear up... and, okay, I'll occasionally jump up and down when excited as well. lol. Crying doesn't mean that I'm weak; it just means I release emotion in a different manner than others.

I know some guys steer clear when they see that I'm sensitive because they think I'm going to be a weakling who will be pushed around by others. On the flip side, I've also known guys who think that because I'm sensitive, they can do whatever they want. They think that I'm going to bawl my eyes out over everything that's said or done to me. Those who've known me for years will attest to the fact that this is not true. When I cry, it'll last an average of 5 minutes at most... unless the situation is complicated and emotionally taxing. Those who've attempted to treat me like dirt know what a sharp tongue I can have (though I rarely use it). I hate seeing injustices. I don't tolerate being treated like I'm less than human and get more incensed when I see that it's being done to others. I'm stubborn and I will use that to stick up for those I love, even if it's a tough, uphill battle.

Being sensitive has made me very receptive to the emotions of others around me. I'm able to figure out how someone is feeling even if they try to hide it from everyone. I never push them to talk about whether is bothering them but I make myself available to them if needed. I've become the go-to person when friends want to vent, to cry, or to talk through their problems. I'm happy to be of service to those who need it. I may never amount to much or have any "great successes" but the fact that I've been able to help friends through some of their darkest hours is more than enough for me.

When I love (whether platonically or romantically), I love deeply. Even when I get hurt, I don't abandon the person. I may create distance between them and I if I see that friendship or relationship being unnecessarily toxic but I will still care about and pray for the other person. I will "go down this ship" as they say.

So, again, not seeing why being sensitive is a bad thing. Can someone clarify this for me? Just like this world needs people with the courage to fight and to put themselves out there for the good of mankind, it also needs us who are more attuned to emotions and are more in the background.

Anyway, just wanted to put in my two cents on this subject.

I think I'm going to go ahead and write tomorrow's blog post today and just schedule it because I still really want to share what happened yesterday. :D It may not be significant to others but it was to me. :)

I hope y'all are having a great start of week! Don't forget to vote in the patron saint poll! There's less than 48 hours to go!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Grad School Decisions

No, your eyes do not deceive you... this is my third consecutive blog post and the 100th blog post for the year. Whoo! The last time I hit over 100 blog posts in a single year was 2013 and I'm two posts away from surpassing that number. We shall see if it can be done. ;)

First, I'm very happy to report that I was able to sleep decent hours last night after weeks of falling asleep at various times. I did take a 3 hour nap yesterday evening but it didn't affect my sleeping schedule at night. I got an additional 7 hours of sleep from 11:30 p.m. until 7:50 a.m. (with an hour and half up starting at about 3:30 a.m.). I'm used to getting up that early to drive mom to work and the habit hasn't gone away despite not having my car back yet. Still, this is normal hours for me and I'm stoked. I hope I can continue them over the next couple of days. :)

Second, I wanted to share with y'all my grad school decision since many of you have been helping by praying for clarity. After talking to some wonderful friends and doing the Christmas novena, I've decided to take the next quarter (winter) off and return in the spring. I was actually leaning towards not returning at all. My mind was almost entirely made up to abandon ship and start working. I just did not want to continue. It was going to be too much money for the degree. I had a really terrible 2 months. I loved my courses but my health had been affected.

On Christmas eve I had this profound moment of clarity, peace, and confidence regarding both my health and school situation (which were the two intentions of my Christmas novena). I had this moment in which the words "Do you trust Me? Keep going" popped up into my mind when I was chatting about my situation with a lovely friend, and I felt at peace.

I now understand what I can do differently in grad school in order to help prevent my health getting affected once again. I have a new gameplan that my doctor helped me create in order to get my health back into shape. I think I finally have my priorities in check (all credit goes to the Holy Spirit because I just couldn't see beyond what was in front of me for a long time) so, barring another series of unfortunate events, I should do well without compromising my health.

To my wingman (who was the first to suggest I take a quarter off before returning; he knows me a little too well, lol), my best gal friends, and other lovely friends helped me sort through this jumbled mess of thoughts over the last couple of days, either by listening to or praying for me, I wanted to say a massive "thank you!" I know I must've driven you guys crazy but you all played a huge part in helping me reach my decision; the moment of clarity was just an added bonus that gave me confidence that I was doing the right thing even when the right thing still makes me doubt at times. Maybe that's why St. Joseph is currently in the lead of the 2016 patron saint poll, eh? lol.

Anyway, I should go and get my surprise for mom ready since she gets home in a little over 2 hours and it's going to take me almost that long to get everything done. :D

I hope y'all are enjoying the second day of Christmas. Ain't no party like a Catholic party because a Catholic party goes on for several days on earth and doesn't stop in Heaven. Am I right? ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D