How the 54-day Rosary Novena Kept Me From Getting Married

Yes, controversial title but... you'll see what I mean by the time you get to the end of this post.

Last Tuesday, we left our apartment just as dawn was breaking. It was a beautiful but chilly (for L.A. standards) start of the day. I had two books in my hand — Three to Get Married by Ven. Fulton Sheen and And You Are Christ’s by Fr. Thomas Dubay SM. One for a writing assignment, the other for my personal discernment.

Since I still don’t have a car, we had a taxi waiting for us at the front gate of our building. We climbed in and made our way to pick up another client (we are part of a next-day ride-share program). I put on my broken headphones, one side (the broken one) dangling from my ear. Nope, I can't afford to replace those yet. As long as one side still works, I don't care how silly it looks.

I had turned on my iPod touch almost from the minute I got into the taxi so the music was playing (like always on a long commute/trip), providing me background noise to drown out the familiar buzz of early morning traffic.

At some point, the music stopped being background noise. He popped into my mind just as “She Said” by Brie Larson (yes, Brie "Captain Marvel" Larson) started playing. I thought it was odd that my mind chose to focus on this particular song since it reminds me of my pre-reversion life, particularly of my time as a freshman at Santa Monica College. This is at least 3-4 years before I met him.

I don't think I need to tell y'all who he is. Since this is a post on my vocation discernment journey and I've been open about the fact that I was in wedding plan mode with someone late last year.

Anyway, I wasn't anticipating his suddenly popping up in my mind just as the following lyrics were being warbled:

“You can’t get inside my head,
Can’t be my safety net...

... I might hit the ground,
But, at least, I’ll have a story to tell,
She said, ‘I gotta find out for myself.’”

I listened to the song a couple more times to really remember the lyrics (it’s been years). I looked down at my two books on my lap and it struck me how appropriate the song was for me at the moment.

He was my safety net. With 11+ years of friendship under our belts before we even brought up the possibility of a relationship, let alone marriage, we had a history. He was one of my best friends. He was always there for me when I felt like I was floundering; like I needed someone to pull me out of a raging sea I couldn’t swim or even float in. Still, I kept him an arms-length away at all times.

In the months since I got the courage to pull the plug, I often wondered why that was. I thought it was because that’s how I was; overly-cautious and perhaps not as loving as I always thought I was. Listening to the song -- and the week of pondering that followed -- made me realize why that was: I somehow I always knew that I wasn't meant to get married, no matter how much I wanted it and how hard it would be to let go of that "safety net." It, unfortunately, took me a long time to realize it and accept it. The clues were there all along but I ignored them. Being a disappointment to my mother -- who desires grandbabies -- also played a factor in it but that's a different story.

During those 5 months when the fella and I (quickly) went from friends to discerning marriage, I saw parts of myself I didn’t like. I felt less and less like myself as things progressed. In fact, I ended up hating myself. I was changing, and not for the better. I didn’t like who I was becoming. I felt pulled away from God and I hated it. As awful as it sounds, I couldn't bear the thought of my heart not belonging solely to Him; of it being shared with someone else. I hated how far away I felt from God and how, the further it went on, the easier it became for me to accept temptations to sin without caring what happened. Massive red flag right there.

It was during this time that I began doing the 54-day Rosary novena. One of the initial intentions was for the fella and I to do God's will. I didn't make it past day 9 (the last day of the first of the 6 back-to-back novenas within the larger novena) when I knew, in my heart, that God was showing me a different path. As the novena continued, I stubbornly tried to dismiss what God was placing in my heart. I wanted to get married, and especially to him. He was (on paper) my perfect match. I wanted a family. God couldn't have possibly placed the desire to be married and discern marriage with the fella unless it was His will... right?

To my surprise, my prayers began to change on day 10 of the novena. No longer was I praying for our marriage; I was praying for us to do God's will, even if that meant not sharing our lives together. The more obvious it became that God didn't seem to be calling us to marriage, the more specific my intentions became. At some point, I began asking Mama Mary to lead me to my future spouse, whoever he may be... "even if my future Spouse is actually your Son."

The first time I said it out loud, I didn't even think about it; it completely slipped out! I was caught off-guard as I had no intention of saying those words. The longer I prayed the novena, the more I prayed for us both to do God's will... and the easier it became for me to add the intention of knowing whether my future spouse was actually Christ.

Before the novena ended, I knew what I had to do. I was dreading doing it because I didn't want to hurt him. For weeks I tried to gather all the courage I could muster to tell him. I was afraid of how he would react. I didn’t want to lose his friendship but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to him for me to drag it out. I knew I couldn’t marry him. God had made that abundantly clear after the first 9 days of the novena. No, Christ wanted me for Himself... and I was willing to give Him all of my heart and all that I have.

I wondered if the fella knew what was going on. Ask anyone who knows me; I can’t fake anything to save my life. You always know where you stand with me and you know when something is weighing heavily on my mind. It wasn't until last week -- after months of silence -- that I got the confirmation that he knew something was up even before I said anything. That's all I'm going to say regarding that.

Since last Tuesday, I've been reflecting on my life and my past relationships. As I shared on my Instagram post yesterday, it seems like God had placed the desire to belong solely to Him during childhood. When I was only 6-8 years old (as I entered the age of reason), I used to tell people that I was going to become a nun. It was the dream. Yes, I fell in love with Jesus at that early age. Attending Mass was the highlight of my week. I can even remember 8-year-old me taking a little white, plastic cross to school that said "I love Jesus" and proudly showing it off to my friends... at a secular elementary school. They would look at me like I was crazy but I felt it. I loved Jesus.

Eventually, I left strayed from the Church. After I made my First Communion and was Confirmed, my "cafeteria Catholic" parents (and my poorly catechized self) didn't see the point in attending Mass since I "no longer had the obligation" to. From ages 13 to 21, I was away from the Church... and I was boy-crazy. I always had a boyfriend or a crush.

A lot happened during that time -- during my "crazy" teen years -- but I still identified myself as Catholic. And despite my flirtation with the entertainment business during those years, I somehow managed to avoid becoming a #MeToo casualty. I was also able to avoid temptations despite "invitations" in my late teens and early 20s, something I credit to both the Holy Spirit and my Guardian Angel -- especially the latter since God knows what dangers I faced during those years.

I'm willing to bet that none of you remember this, but, a little over a year ago, I heard the words "Let Jesus court you" after praying the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary... the same one he gave me years ago. You can go ahead and read the post for yourself; I can't make that up -- it's been there for over a year! As I stated then, I had begun making peace with the fact that God was probably calling me to stay single. I didn't understand why I heard "Let Jesus court you" then -- and especially while I was discerning marriage with the fella -- but I do now.

During the previous 54-day Rosary novena (2018), I had prayed to get to know my future husband. I thought my answers had been answered with one of my best friends. In hindsight, I'm thinking that perhaps God wanted me to discern marriage so I wouldn't always wonder "what if..." I'm very much the type of person to do that; always wonder what might've been if only I had *fill in the blank.*

After having discerned marriage with someone who is probably the closest I will get to my ideal (earthly) match, I no longer wonder "what if..." I had found someone who wanted to marry me (and vice versa); my "perfect match." Yet, he couldn't fill that God-shaped hole in my heart. Looking back, I can now see that neither he nor the one who taught me about true, unselfish love nor anyone else worked out because God was saving my heart for Himself.

It took two consecutive 54-day Rosary novenas (and countless others over the years), but I truly believe my prayers have been answered. It kept me from getting married in the traditional sense, but it gave me something greater: the sense that I have finally found my true future Spouse. I can now say that easily and without reservations.

The idea of being a bride of Christ and giving my whole heart and life to Him fills my eyes with joyful tears; my heart with overflowing love. Even if Archbishop Gomez doesn't believe I'm meant to become a consecrated virgin (as in, making it a public declaration), I know that making private vows will be something I want to do with my whole heart.

By the way, the last song I listened to on the trip that led to this past week's reflections? “Noticed” by Mute Math, from the same album that was the soundtrack to my reversion in 2006!

The lyrics?

“And all this time oblivious to what you make so obvious,
I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before...”

“And all this time it was staring me blind,
I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before...”

“The only time I ever noticed my heart was when I noticed you...”

Yes, the only time I ever noticed my heart was when I noticed You, Lord.

Anyway, just sharing these thoughts I wanted to share. Everyone's vocation discernment story is different. I'm glad I have a place to share mine as it unfolds.

Okay, that's enough "soul-baring" for now. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

God is Tearing Me Down to Build Me Up Anew

Lately, I've had a lot of endings and just a couple of new beginnings. In a way, it seems like God is tearing things down in my life to build it up anew.

I never talk about this particular topic but I'll make the exception this time around. Wedding and marriage plans were made for months up until a few weeks ago. Yes, you read that correctly. I told y'all I'm a ninja when it comes to my personal life. lol. Very few people knew about it; that I was discerning the possibility of marriage with someone. It was during the 54-day Rosary novena that everything changed. I won't go into details (this is something between God, Our Lady, and I) but let's just say that my heart began aching for God during this time.

I didn't like that my heart didn't belong solely to Him. I felt torn away from Him and I couldn't figure out why. I hated that feeling. As I continued the novena, the vocation of consecrated virginity kept coming up as did St. Philomena and (later on) St. Agatha. To this day, I still feel like God is whispering, "I want you to belong to Me. I want your heart to belong to Me." As I had said before, I still don't know if this is meant to be my vocation but I do know God wants my heart and my focus on Him right now. If He wants it, He can have it without reservations on my end.

When it became clear that God wanted me to pursue this path, it was hard. All those months of planning and dreaming... for what? Nothing? But I knew I couldn't ignore it. I knew God had placed this desire in my heart for a reason. I've always said that I've wanted nothing more than to do His will for my life so I had to put my money where my mouth was. It was difficult. I was heartbroken. It didn't end well, but that was to be expected. Still, my sole comfort was that God wanted my heart and He would take care of it in a way no one else could.

Similarly, I had made plans (for months) to move out of my mother's house, on my own or with friends. Every time I tried to leave, there were health or financial obstacles. My spiritual director, who had encouraged me to leave for months, said it was a clear sign that God wanted me to stay put. "You may not know why but He's made it clear that you should stick around." So, I have.

During the digital detox, God has opened up my eyes to great faults in myself that I was spiritually blind to. It was a hard pill to swallow but I couldn't deny what I was seeing in myself. I knew that these would've created major problems in both a marriage and in a situation with roommates because I haven't learned how to master them. I thanked God when my eyes were opened and I (admittedly, ashamedly) accepted that these things were something I need to work on.

This last week (and some odd days) since my digital detox began, I've been mostly trying to work on my relationship with God and on learning how to best manage my character flaws. I've been praying the entire Divine Office most days -- yes, Matins included. Lectio Divina is something I do regularly now. My prayer life has changed along with some of the changes in my life and it's shaping up so beautifully.

I'll be the first to admit I don't like change, nor do I do well with change. Yet, I find myself in the middle of a lot of endings and very few beginnings. Some of these changes aren't even bad or important ones. Virgin Mobile USA is no longer operating as of next month and it's making me wistful since they're the only wireless company I've had since I got my first cell phone in 2004. One of my favorite bands, MuteMath (whose self-titled album became the soundtrack of my reversion), has disbanded. Moving plans and plans to possibly sell my car (which we tried to salvage through repairs; it broke down on us 4 times this past week) will be decided soon. I've lived in the same apartment since I was 5 years old and my little Honda is the only car I've ever driven in the 9 years I've had my license.

As you can probably surmise, I like stability and being in my comfortable little bubble where everything is predictable and routine. All these changes are throwing me for a loop. Add going from having plans for my vocation and future to playing things by ear to the mix and you can guess how I've been doing lately. Yet, this is what God has been doing in my life and I'm learning how to make the best out of things.

I feel like the conversations between God and I lately have been a variation of:
"Do you trust Me?"
You know I do, Lord.
"Then let go. Do what you know is right, good, and true. Love me. Love others. Follow My commandments. Live in a state of grace. I'll take care of everything else."

Obedience is very important in the life of Benedictines -- both religious and Oblates. I've had to learn to let go of my expectations and plans and let God lead me down the path He wants for me. Under the guidance of my spiritual director and Oblate master, I will continue to look at what God is calling me to do with humble obedience. No arguments. No grumbling. Just a complete submission to His will. Of course, I will take responsibility for my actions and prayerful go forward and will adjust things as they come up; as God reveals them to me.

So, that's where I find myself. I don't know where most of the work is being done -- interiorly or exteriorly. Perhaps it's an even split. All I know is that my life is being changed completely. Beyond a few friendships and possibly my work/career, I don't foresee anything being the same by the time a new normal is established in my life.

I've never been much of a risk-taker but I keep thinking of the movie Up! and of young Carl saying "Adventure is out there!" Indeed, adventure is out there and God is pulling me out of my safe bubble to experience more of life.

As I get closer to my 35th birthday (5 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days, but who is counting?) I'm becoming more and more aware that this chapter of my life -- the first decade after my father's death -- is coming to an end and new things await me. God has some amazing plans for me so I'm going to be a brave little toaster and soldier on. May He tear me down completely so that I may become the woman He wants me to be; one worthy of spending eternity with Him.

Anyway, just some Sunday afternoon thoughts for y'all.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for Mom and I. Yes, we still have a big decision to make that will change this family, for better or worse, and how we'll go forward from this point on. Yet another adventure, one I will be sharing with her.

I hope you have all had a lovely week and had a blessed Sunday!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :)

I'm Letting Him "Court" Me: Where I am in My Vocation Discernment

"Let him court you," was the phrase that popped up in my mind after nighttime prayers this past Wednesday.  "Let Jesus court you."

I started. I was putting my Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary on my bedside table and I laughed uncomfortably. "Wait, what? *awkward giggle* How can Jesus 'court' me? What does that even mean?!" I was confused as to why such a phrase would pop up in my mind. I'm still confused as to what that phrase means.

Before the New Year began, I made peace with the idea that God may be calling me to stay single. As much as my heart desires marriage and a family, I've resigned myself to God's will. If it's His will that I stay single for the rest of my life, I'm not going to fight it.

I certainly made efforts to get out there and meet people last year. It was... not fun. I didn't meet anyone I could potentially see as more than a friend. There were too many yellow and red flags. I even went on Catholic Match for a couple of weeks and was reminded of why I hate (yes, hate) online dating sites. I'm not calling it quits because of that but I have finally accepted that perhaps I'm just not meant to marry.

Does it stink? Tremendously. Am I still willing to meet more guys and date/court? Of course. I'm not closing myself off to the possibility... but I've decided to live my life as if I am going to stay single.

What does that mean? For me, it means actively pursuing my lay Benedictine oblate discernment (side note: I'm still waiting to hear back from a specific monastery). I'm no longer going to play the "what if I can't make it to an annual retreat in a couple of years because I'll have a family?" game. I'm not guaranteed a husband and/or children. However, the Benedictine lifestyle and spiritually has been wonderful for the state of my soul and spiritual life. If I am blessed with a husband and/or children in the future, I'll figure it out then.

It means planning my time and money towards things I may need as a single laywoman -- my own emergency fund, getting rid of my only debt (student loans for 3 degrees), and making sure I can take care of myself if I need to.

It means doing what I can to make sure I stay on the proper path that will lead me closer to God.

Perhaps that's what "let Jesus court you" means. Maybe it means living my life in a way that follows Christ radically (for our day and age); in a way that allows me to unreservedly give my whole heart and life to God. Perhaps letting Jesus "court" me means that I need to let go of the little apprehensions that stem from fear and lack of trust and let him guide me with the rest of my vocation discernment.

I'm also open to the possibility that "let Jesus court you" means that I'm called to become his bride as a consecrated virgin. I've discerned enough to know that the religious life isn't for me -- and I'm also too old to enter the order I would've loved to have joined if it were my vocation. If I'm called to this, it'll be a new adventure but one I'm prepared to embark on. I will certainly be in good company.

My mother -- like most parents of only children -- doesn't seem to keen on the idea that there's a possibility that I won't marry; that I won't give her at least one grandchild. However, I've entered a season of my life where, despite the love I have for her, my sole goal to is to do God's will... even if it goes against she and/or I want.

Perhaps the phrase was just a fluke; a random phrase that popped up in my head that has no actual significance. Who knows. All I know is that whatever God has in store for me, I made it my (only) resolution to continue abandoning my selfish will to His. Last year He showed me that the decision I made to abandon myself to His Divine Providence was the best decision I ever made. This year, I want to go a little further and let go of the little things I was (and, honestly, still am) afraid to let go of.

Please say a prayer for me as I start this new adventure... because it feels like a new adventure. This all feels like the start of one of the greatest and most thrilling things God will have in store for me.

Alright, Jesus... take the lead. Everyone else. welcome on the journey!

Feast of the Betrothal and My Vocation

Happy feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron saint of writers (and my career patron!), everyone! I had originally planned to have this post up yesterday since it was the feast of the betrothal (espousals) of the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Joseph but I've had a rough couple of days so I'm posting it a day late. Better late than never, right?

You didn't know this feast existed? Well, it does! Because I tend to lean "trad," I've heard of (and seen) betrothal ceremonies amongst other young Millennial Catholics. It's a beautiful ceremony and it's on my list of things I want to do if I ever get engaged to be married. 

I've actually been thinking a lot about my vocation discernment lately. I know, I know... I'm usually quiet about this part of my life but I'll let you guys in on what's going on with me. Long story short: I'm not quite sure where I'm going in this area of my life. I've gotten to a point where I'm in need of spiritual direction (and will be receiving some in the days to come; I've already made plans with a priest I highly respect) because I feel a little lost. 

Yes, I self-imposed a dating break last summer and it was honestly the best decision because I had too much going on. Between school stress and what I had to figure out (small-v) vocation-wise, I just didn't think it was a good idea to add a fella to the mix. There was someone during that time but I took it to prayer and it became clear that it wasn't the time... nor the fella... for me and I felt at peace with that. 

I keep telling my friends that I'm pretty much resigning myself to staying single. I do want to move forward and I'm open to whatever God's will is for me... but that little voice of doubt comes up now and then and asks the same question over and over again. I'm almost 33, aren't I too old to find a good guy?

When I remembered that the feast of the betrothal was coming up, I did a novena to St. Anne. I purposely started it 9 days before the feast day. No, it wasn't, "St. Anne, St. Anne, bring me a man!" It was more "St. Anne, please help me figure out what my vocation is." If you're wondering if that means that I'm open to the possibility that I may not be called to marriage, after all, the answer is, "Yes!"

While I was doing the novena, I kept reminding myself that any vocation that God has in store for me is the perfect fit for me because it will be part of His will for me. I may very much desire to get married and have children (my heart does long for that family) but I am open to that possibly not being what will end of being my vocation. I stated as much those 9 days I prayed the novena. "May God send me the man that He has in store for me... if that is my vocation. If it isn't, may I figure out what my true vocation is."

I already know I'm not meant for a religious vocation. I discerned (and re-discerned) that in my early 20s and again in my late 20s. What I am open to are the other two options: marriage and consecrated virginity. Gasp! I know. lol. I have a great godson so I will get a taste of motherhood, albeit spiritual, if I'm not called to get married and have children of my own. Again, I greatly desire it but if it's not in His plans for me, I've resigned myself to that possibility. I'm taking my abandonment to His Divine Providence seriously, y'all.

I've been joking that Catholic Match has been stalking me on Twitter the past two days (because they have! Good grief, y'all!) but I'm not taking that as a "sign." I'm not rushing this. I've never rushed this. I've always taken any potential fellas (and there have been a couple over the years... even though I never say anything) to prayer. I've entrusted my heart to the Immaculate Heart of Mary when it comes to my vocation because I've seen people make mistakes. I've seen people get married because they felt alone and hated it... and then they regretted it. I don't want that for me. Sure, I'm getting older (I'll be 33 in May) and people like to remind me that "the window for children is closing" but don't see that as a reason to rush. 

That's where I am right now. I'm not afraid of what He may call me to do. I know some single women in their late 20s through late 30s live in fear of never marrying but I don't. I don't know if it's because I've always been an independent lady or because I've resigned myself to God's will. I know that, while there may be a disappointment if I'm not called to the vocation of marriage and family, I will find greater consolation in doing His will. I'd rather give up something I truly wanted if it's for my greater good than to go against His will. 

Sorry if this post sounds like a downer but this is the reality, folks. I may not get what I want but God will make sure that I get what I need and that's all I can truly hope for. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I've had a headache for nearly 24 hours now and I want to rest as much as I can. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Thoughts on My Vocation

In recent months, my vocation has become clear to me... but I've been unable to live it out for obvious reasons. Before I get deeper into this topic, let me just share with y'all how all of this happened.

For months (since the last 54-day Rosary novena during Advent 2016), I've been praying that God shows me what I need to work on to prepare myself for my future vocation of wife and mother. It hasn't been "send me a man!" or "take this loneliness away!" It's been "please help me see what I need to work on before a husband and family comes my way." I knew that there were certain things that I needed to work on but what I didn't anticipate was just intense it would all get before I started making any real progress.

Looking back at everything I've had to deal with since January -- everything that has tested my faith and produced a profound spiritual dryness in me -- I see that it all makes sense. I was inspired to ask God (during the St. Andrew novena; I did two novenas simultaneously) to help me get rid of my attachment to earthly things that would be problematic for me and my vocation. One of them turned out to be something that I hadn't faced since I reverted to the faith; something that I believed was no longer a danger but which proved to be something I was still very much attached to. It involved the career path I was on prior to my reversion and a terrible nostalgia for things that were once harmful to me.

I dealt with these things until last month into this month. My eyes were opened and I began to work to detach myself from these things... but it has not been easy because of the emotional attachments to a certain group of people that have been a big part of my life in the past year. This is still something I'm working on -- which has been especially hard on social media since we're all active on these various platforms -- but God is slowly working in helping me get past this.

At the same time that all of this is happening, I came to realize one big thing that is going to be problematic in another way: I feel as if I may be called to be a stay-at-home mother (SAHM) in the future. This is a problem for two reasons. First, I can't know that for sure until I discern marriage with someone, get married, have a family, and then see if we can afford for me to be a SAHM. Second, there is so much opposition to that train of thought... including in my own (current) home.

My mother has always worked hard for everything her entire life -- especially after my dad had a work-related knee injury that ended up in a botched operation that left him disabled for the rest of his life. To her, you need to work. Since I was a little girl, she's drilled into me that I need to have my own career and a job in case I marry some guy who will end up dumping me and abandoning our children. That's all I've heard from her and other people (including my godmother) since I can remember. Can you see how terrible cynical and jaded this point of view is? I mean, I get where they're coming from but I also feel like I've been pressured into just thinking about a career and being an independent woman even if I don't feel called to it.

And, I don't. I don't feel called to have a long term career. I don't feel called to put a career and work ahead of my family. I've never felt that way... but I have felt pressured into adopting that attitude or else I will be an immense disappointment to those who've drilled this idea into my head. All of this has become even more obvious in recent months when I discerned my career path and God made it clear that what I'm doing now is enough for what He has in store for me.

I don't feel like I'm called to go to grad school for any particular career path, burdening myself with more student debt. Instead, I feel called to continue down the path (that became clear to me in late May) until He calls me to do something else. It feels temporary but also something that will prepare me for whatever happens in the future.

My plans/goals for the near future are to work to pay off my student loans and to work on my relationship with God while I wait. Since I made these decisions, everything has been falling into place -- my health issues, my career and vocation confusion, etc. I can see myself going forward in a way I haven't since I graduated from college many moons ago. These plans are (currently) short-term because, as I said, I feel like He has something else in store for me. Whether that means a husband and family or a different career path, I don't know but I can't see myself doing this for more than 2-3 years. I think I will be able to pay off most (if not) all of my student loans during that time which is pretty exciting for me.

I do have my moments of impatience because I feel like He's finally shown me what He wants me to do and what my future vocation is... but I can't live it out just yet. The biological clock has started to tick (I just turned 32 in late May) and sometimes I think that maybe I discerned wrong... but then I remember the peace I feel when I think about the immediate plans that have been revealed to me through prayer and saintly intercessions.

I feel like I can't relate to many of my fellow single 30+ year-olds because I mostly hear rants about being single and, while I do have moments of impatience and loneliness, I don't feel the same way they do. It took a long time but I feel peace thinking about the waiting period because I know God is going to make me into a better version of myself in that time. Not only that, I know He's going to make sure that He is number one in my life and that nothing will replace Him. I need this time to make sure I'm spiritually mature enough to deal with the earthly highs and joy without forgetting that He is the center of my life and the only one Who can fill that emptiness and hole in my heart.

I've never been bitter about being one of the last of my friends to marry and/or have children. I don't hate Valentine's Day. I'm not a fan of PDA only because I feel like it's an intrusion of privacy that only a couple should experience. I don't do a lot of things that many of my fellow single ladies (understandably) do because God has helped me see things differently. I think that entrusting my heart to the Immaculate Heart of Mary is the big reason why I'm able to look at the big picture and remember His plans instead of succumbing to melancholic feelings about my vocation.

If you're reading this and you feel differently, that's fine. This post isn't me saying that my way of thinking and looking at things is correct and yours isn't; I'm just sharing what's been happening with me in terms of my vocation lately. Not everyone is going to agree with what I said. Some people will have problems because we think differently and you may feel personally attacked but it wasn't my intention. I'm not attacking anyone; I'm just sharing why I can't relate to some of you... who, obviously, won't be able to relate to some if not all of this post. God has us all on different paths (all, hopefully, destined to the same end: Heaven) but we can all still pray for each other because we can all agree that being unable to live our vocations -- when we so desperately want to -- isn't always the easiest thing.

That's where I am in terms of my vocation discernment at the moment. I gave myself a self-imposed dating break to focus on rebuilding my relationship with God but only He knows how long that will last. All I know is that I will continue to my work on my goal to pay off my student loans, to work on my relationship with Him, and let everything else came as God wills it. No rush. No timetable. Just doing what I feel He wants me to do.

And that's it for now. It's still pretty warm outside and I'm not feeling that great (may be something I ate) so I'm going to go watch a movie and take it easy. :)

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

P.S. Don't forget to join the Frassati Prayer Community in case you have any prayer requests you'd like us to add to our prayers. :D

In Sickness and In Health?

Tiny violin. Get it? lol.

I'm just going to say it: sometimes I worry that no man will want to marry me because of all the health issues I've been through in recent years. There. I said it. It's out in the open.

If you're wondering what prompted this blog post and admission, it's been a number of things. The combination of reading vocation stories, having my own (future) vocation reaffirmed, and the fact that I've finally stopped making excuses to avoid dating and being open to dating has all been building up over the past couple of months.

"If you're worried about not finding someone who will want to be with you while you're sick, why even date?" Why go to school? Why get up in the morning? Why make plans? All for the same reason: I'm very optimistic that I'll get healthier before I know it. Why do I keep studying even though the medical conditions I have right now (which are reversible, thank goodness) make it difficult to memorize and concentrate? Again, because I don't plan on being sick forever. Furthermore, I don't want to stay stagnant. I feel like I've wasted so many years of my life just staying in the same place, not moving forward, because I let the obstacles that are in my way give me an excuse to be selfish and put a pause on things. I'm tired of doing that so forward I must go.

"If you're sure about your vocation, why are you worried about not finding someone?" Because I'm human. I worry about things I have no control over because that's how I am. My poor father (may he rest in peace) worried about everything and he was superstitious as a result so guess who I learned those terrible habits from. I try to stay positive but sometimes I get overwhelmed and these thoughts pop into my mind. I worry that I discern my vocation wrong and maybe this is all a sign that I'm meant to stay single. You hear that? That's 4 years of being sick without relief. If it's not one thing, it's another.

"But you have to trust God." Who says I don't? I trust God. I definitely don't do a good job at it 24/7 but I try. I'm learning to trust that He will send relief if it's His will. If not, I pray (and trust) that He will send me the courage to endure it. Do you trust God 24/7? Truly and honestly, 100% of the time? Let's be honest, we all have our moments in which trusting God is hard. Maybe not with health issues but financial, familial, career, etc? We've all had our moments. It doesn't mean that we love Him any less, it just means that we have a lot to work on.

One of the reoccurring thoughts that has kept popping up in my mind lately has been "this is all a test of trust." Whether I'm right or wrong, only God knows but I feel like it may be. I say I trust Him, but do I trust Him enough? Nope. It's become so obvious that I don't. This has been heightened with my recent health issues. New symptom? Worry. Heart rate slowing down, taking sharp drops while I sleep? Panic. Often, the "this is all a test of trust" light will flicker on, helping me to relax and not fall into the spiral of self-predicting doom. I'm getting better at it but I still have a long way to go.

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't grow up surrounded by happy marriages. Most women who talked to me and gave me "man advice" growing up were bitter and jaded for one reason or another. One reason I heard was because either the woman got sick and the man left or vice versa. Most of their advice was to establish a career that I could fall back on in case the man I married was a deadbeat who would eventually abandon me for someone else... because "most men are like that." No joke. I heard that advice about 95% of the time when someone older talked to me about getting married in the future. In fact, I still hear it though now it's accompanied by "oh, but you're 31 now. You're educated. You'll be fine either way." Sometimes I feel like they want to add that I'm too sick to even think about it... or have one huge stipulation (that I stay close to my mother since her memory is slowly failing as she gets older) that will make things impossible in the marriage department.

If you're wondering why I'm so open about this and why I'm doing it on such a public forum: because we don't read about it. Ever. In my nearly 10 years as a blogger and blog reader, I've never seen another blogger -- Catholic or otherwise -- talk about their fears regarding their vocation as a future spouse. Maybe I'm the only one that feels like this way but I have a feeling there are others out there who have similar thoughts. Maybe not health issues but another cross that they worry no one will want to help them carry. I'm not ashamed of what I've written because it's my reality. I write what I feel, even if it's not pretty and/or occasionally pessimistic.

Don't worry, I'm not a regular Marvin, the Paranoid Android. I'm not pessimistic all the time. In fact, most of the time I'm quite optimistic about the future and things in general. Still, I have my occasional moments of doubt. I'm sharing what usually goes on in my mind during those moments because I have a doctor's appointment (which is coming up at 6:30 p.m. PST) today and I wanted to blog so this topic came to mind.

That's all I have to say about this topic for now. Just putting it out there. I'm sure my close friends will now keep reminding me that I'm being silly, which is fine. :)

I hope my next post (tomorrow, maybe?) will be much happier. I'm off of social media for the week. I hope. We'll see. I am weak when it comes to posting updates. No, sharing links directly from Catholic websites onto Twitter does not count; I mean actual "I'm bored; this is what's going on with me" posts. ;)

Anyway, I'm going to try to walk around my apartment because I don't want to fall asleep less than an hour before I have to leave for my appointment. Did I mention I only got a little more than 4.5 hours of sleep last night/this morning? Yep. I need to talk to the doctor this evening (not my regular doctor as far as I know) about not being able to fall asleep. Hopefully, that'll help keep me alert for a little while. Don't worry, my mother is coming with me to the appointment so I won't be driving by myself. Yes, I'll also try to avoid heavy traffic by using side streets. :)

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend and have a great start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Pressure About My Vocation Discernment

After writing about my vocation confusion and fear, I got a number of great, supportive messages (some on here, mostly on Twitter and Facebook). The word "brave" was used quite a bit but I don't think of myself as being particularly brave. I was just honest. Of course, when you open up yourself like that, you're also inviting some messages that aren't particularly helpful (though they're definitely well meaning.)

If it didn't come across in the last post, I've been feeling an incredible amount of pressure to re-discern the religious vocation from a lot of people who know me well. While it's flattering that people think I would be worthy of the vocation of a religious sister, the pressure of making it my vocation is incredibly overwhelming at this point. The peace in my heart rests in the vocation of marriage and motherhood yet I feel like I'm being pushed away from it by others.

Last night I reached a point where I just spilled what I was feeling onto a letter I wrote to my future spouse. (side note: I've written a number of letters to my future spouse for several months now.) I'm sure he won't mind if I share parts of what I wrote with y'all, especially if it'll help someone else going through something similar.

I was supposed to be sleeping at the time I wrote this but I sort of had this moment of clarity (and this was right after my nighttime prayers, which included day 3 of the Pentecost novena) so I just stayed up and spilled it onto the pages of the latest letter.

"I keep feeling like I'm being forced to think about the religious life. I get a peace thinking and praying about (the) marriage vocation. I'm not afraid of the religious or single life. Marriage scares the heck out of me. Choosing the wrong spouse scares me. Childbirth scares me. Not having the vocation of wife and mother scares me.

I'm currently feeling... sort of relief as I'm writing this. A very... relaxing and almost peaceful feeling is replacing the anxiety (and) pressure I've felt over the past couple of days... I've even feeling happy about this; like I'm meant to do this and I shouldn't have let others influence me this much.

The thought of being (a) wife and mother... brings me joy, peace, and excitement. Yes, I'm still worried about choosing (the) wrong (fella) because of how terrible my track record has been thus far, but I think that's natural... Childbirth scares the crumbs out of me but the thought that one of (my) future children may be a future priest or nun makes me excited. Thinking about the positive changes (my) future children and grandchildren may do in a world that pulls further away from Christ makes me so happy. Am I getting my sought after answer writing this...?"

I had to modify and omit some things but you get the gist of it. After so much pressure -- to the point where I wanted to cry -- I just let go and wrote it all out. As I wrote about it, I began to feel peace. The more I wrote, the more I felt enveloped with a sense of serenity and love. It almost felt (and quite literally) like a very cool sensation start from my chest and go down to my feet. Not in a "I'm cold" way but in a way that made me feel very at ease. Then I felt a lot of love for my future family.

I'm sure everyone who has been gently (and not so gently) pushing me to think about the religious life means well but I've repeatedly said that it doesn't seem to be my vocation. I know I'm turning 30 years-old next week (30 on the 30th; easy to remember ;D) and that that means it's "too late" in the eyes of some people but, please, don't rush me. And, if it makes any of you "you should discern the religious life" people happy, I have been discerning becoming a lay Dominican or Carmelite for some time now; a married lay Dominican or Carmelite. That will also be a slow process because my spiritual director wants me to finish grad school first; I don't want to overwhelm myself with too much at once. I'm not in a rush so please be patient with me and with Him since I will be doing His will, not my own. :)

I'm just sharing this because I don't want to reach the point where I'm going to be crying (my default when I'm feeling overwhelmed or very upset) because of the pressure.

OH! I'm starting my last novena in my 20s on the 20th. It's going to be the St. Therese 24 Glory Bes novena. If anyone wants to join, please let me know so I can send you a reminder of the day we're on. This novena isn't for me (though I'm doing it for personal intentions), the prayer intentions are your own; I just wanted to do the novena that helped me the most during the majority of my 20s as the last one I did before I turned 30. :D

Anyway, I hope y'all had a great weekend and have a great week as well. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Big "M" Word: Marriage

I want to ask all my fellow single ladies (and you single gentlemen who we've seen talking about marriage on Twitter lately; yes, we've noticed) a couple of very important questions. I know many of us have a desire to marry and have children... but why? Have you really discerned your vocation? Ladies, do you want to get married for the wedding planning and the party part? Do you just think about getting that diamond engagement ring; showing it off to everyone? Do you want to get married solely because you feel unloved and you want to feel loved?

These may seem like harsh questions but I don't think I've ever seen conversations (beyond my own with my best friend and with a good guy friend who is thinking about getting engaged to his girlfriend) or blog posts in which they were asked. I apologize if the questions offend or unsettle you... but I believe these (and others) are important to think about. I've heard of (and have seen young women) who want to get married for the wrong reasons.

Here's my story: when talking about vocations, my spiritual director asked me how I knew I was called to marriage and not to another vocation. I wasn't prepared with a good answer. "I've prayed about it, in front of the tabernacle, and I feel, deep down, that it's my vocation" wasn't good enough. It was all true; I did pray and the desire to get married and have children grew whenever I was in front of the tabernacle. There was no doubt in my mind that that was my vocation. However, I didn't really get deeper than that. For weeks after, I thought about it. I returned to my spiritual director with my answer... which I think (from his expression) surprised him. Again, besides my conversations with my best friend and one of my closest guy friends, I'd never really talked about it but now my SD knows why I'm certain that it's my vocation.

I know you'll all be curious as to know why but it's something that's so personal that I'm not sure I want to share just yet. However, I will share a couple of thoughts. While I felt like it was my vocation, it wasn't until a year ago that I could honestly say that I could see myself getting married. I've always been incredibly independent and I worried that I would never meet a guy who I could see myself growing old with. It was a selfish mentality; I had my goals and I had my responsibilities and I couldn't see myself bringing a guy into the equation. I wasn't ready and I knew that it would be terrible to bring someone else into my life while I was figuring out career and vocation questions. Then I had two big epiphany moments in which I not only realized what I was doing (including trying to suppress feelings I'd had for years, done out of fear) but I also realized that I finally understood why it was my vocation when I accepted those feelings.

I don't want to get married for the party. In fact, I want a church wedding and maybe a small reception for family and closest family friends only. For the record, I have absolutely no pinterest boards for my dream wedding. I will not think about what I want for my wedding until there's a reason for it... and even then I will be focusing on preparing for the Sacrament of Marriage. I just know I want to get married in a church.

I don't want a diamond engagement ring nor will I be shoving my ring finger in people's faces in the future. I think there's a lot of pressure on guys to spend three months' worth of salary on the ring and I think that's ridiculous. Besides, I don't like diamonds anyway. Future fella: don't worry about it. I'd prefer an emerald if you really want me to have a ring with a gemstone on it. lol.

I don't want to get married because I feel unloved. I actually feel like I have a lot of love in my life from family and friends. Most importantly, I feel God's love for me, even when I'm going through something rough and I'm not too happy that my prayers weren't answered in ways I hoped for. There is no greater love than the love God has for us all and you can't replace it with any love you may find on this earth.

It was actually a good friend (who doesn't actually know this... and might put puzzle pieces together if they read this blog post) who unintentionally helped me figure things out. I'll stop there because I'm not comfortable expanding on it just yet. I will say that I constantly pray for my future husband (whoever he may be). I may not know who he is or what he's going through but I know that everyone is need of prayer. He may have temptations, bad habits, family or personal issues, vocation doubts, etc. I don't have to wait to know who is and/or what his story is for me to pray for him.

I'm not saying that I have all the answers or that I'm correct in my thoughts -- though my SD has yet to correct or challenge them. I just wanted to share this because I've seen so many "I just want to get married! I'm tired of being alone!", "I just want children; I wish husbands were optional!", and other similar comments floating around, especially amongst the 25+ set. Take a couple of minutes and think about it; why do you want to get married? Are the words "Sacrament of Marriage" just words to you or do you understand the importance of them? This is my challenge to all of you who I've seen talking (well, tweeting) about the desire to be married.

Alright, I need to get back to studying for my COMD courses and for my first Statistics midterm coming up at the end of next week.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

To All the Single Ladies Who Hate Being Single

I feel very blessed to have amazing friends in my life; friends who help me grow as a person. This fact came up (again) while Julie and I were having another movie marathon. Without divulging anything we talked about (because it's no one's business ;D), I realized that my friendship with her has made me mature in a lot of ways... especially my way of thinking about the vocation of marriage and motherhood.

As a single young woman, it's so easy to fantasize about married life. A loving husband, at least one adorable baby, and your own family and home. It's so easy to plan a future wedding... to give your future children names... to think of how you'd decorate your house, etc. Some young women think that getting married will solve whatever problems they are experiencing; that by getting married you're automatically experiencing a better life. I've never been married so I can't comment with certainty about whether life "gets better" after marriage but I am going to guess that life is just simply different when you're single versus when you are married. The struggles are different in both states of life. 

I've noticed a growing trend of "ugh, I just want to get married" and "ugh, I just want a baby" amongst single young women, especially those over the age of about 24. I wonder if the fantasies about what we think married life will be (versus what it is actually like) contribute to it. Our married friends are blessed to be living out their vocations but that doesn't mean that they have it any easier than we do. Sure, married life is awesome... but it doesn't mean it's going to be a smooth ride. The bumps in the road will help you two grow together. Sure, babies are adorable... but changing diapers and worrying when they get sick isn't fun.

As I said before, I have been incredibly blessed to have friends who help me grow as a person. I have seen myself learn to throw away any silly notions about what marriage and motherhood are like from my amazing friends (especially Jules, Kendra, and Kiera with whom I'm closest to). I have seen the struggles and worries (especially when the babies get sick), as well as the joys and blessings they have received through their vocations. It's made me appreciate my own vocation of future wife and mother and I think (and hope) I can go into it knowing the difference between what to expect based on idealistic fantasies and blessed (truly blessed) reality.

Single ladies, this is not me saying that your ways of feeling are invalid. I've been on the "ugh, I just want to get settled" end of the spectrum before as well. I don't think many single young women stop to think about the blessings we have in our single state. When you're single, you make your own decisions that mostly affect only you. We have the luxury of being selfish more often than not... and by that I mean little things like being able to sleep more than our married gal friends. Yes, married life will be wonderful in a completely different way and I personally look forward to living it one day, but I am also going to be grateful for all I have as a single young woman at the present.

Stop for a second and think about this: bemoaning about being single... what does that accomplish? I'm serious. Take a moment or two to think about it. I don't know about you but I can't personally think of anything good that comes out of the "ugh, married couples make me sick." All it's going to do is make you even more aware of how much you hate being single... which is going to either make you angry or depress you. Basically, it's all downhill from those negative comments. 

Again, not saying that those comments are invalid; your feelings are your own. I'm just giving you another option in how you can look at things. Personally, as soon as I got out of that "can future husband just show up?!" mentality, I began to appreciate life even more... and it greatly helped in my relationship with God. Sure, I still want to get married and have a family but it'll all come in God's time, not my own. There is a reason why I'm going to be a little older when I get married and have my babies (than most of my friends) but God knows what He's doing and why His plans for me are better than anything I can come up with. And, seriously, I've come to realize that there was no way I was ready for marriage and children in my younger years because I had to deal with my father having cancer, his eventual death, my own anxiety and panic disorder (which, thank God, has been more under control these past couple of months), and a number of other things. If I'm entirely honest, I feel like I'm just beginning to arrive at a place where I'm maybe ready for it. All in God's time. Keep your heads up, single ladies... our time will come. :)

Anyway, I just felt the need to write this out after both movie night with Jules as well as the aftermath of my Valentine's Day tweet. I wasn't planning on blogging so soon but, hey, when inspiration hits, it hits. :D

Now I'm off to do... something. I have a couple of free hours and I haven't figured out what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll just watch paint dry. lol.

I hope you are all having a good week thus far. I'll be praying for y'all. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

What I Learned Wednesday #23: Married Men and Temptations Edition

This post was originally going to be a follow up to last week's Speedy Questions post but I've had a very interesting week (blog post title should give you hints) so I'll write about that instead. I think it's more important to share some things that I realize that some of y'all also go through but don't talk about. Some of you may be uncomfortable with the topics but I haven't seen them posted anywhere and I know I cannot be the only person who goes through these things.

1.) As a single young woman who knows her vocation but has yet to find that special fella, it's very easy to fall into different types of temptations. You guys know I'm notoriously private about my relationships and this part of my life but I need to share this. During the volunteer work I've been doing lately, I met a nice fella with whom I could easily talk to because our personalities and temperaments just click. He is (to a T) the kind of guy that I like (except for the "he's not Tom Hiddleston" part, lol). My mom likes him, his mom likes me... so what's the problem? He's married! I knew this beforehand because my mom told me a long time ago so I was cautious. I am not the type of person to break up a relationship (even if it's just dating) so I made sure I didn't do anything that would be inappropriate. The moment he said something that let me know there was interest on his side, I avoided the guy as much as I could. I don't know his wife but I respect his mother, myself, and the sanctity of marriage to put either of us into any further temptation.

I know some of you will get upset at me for saying that I avoided him because I did nothing wrong, but that's the thing -- I could easily fall into temptation myself. I'm not saying I would ever go there (I wouldn't) but why push my luck? I'm a human being and I make stupid mistakes all the time. Guys aren't one of them (hi, still single here, lol) but that's not to say that I'm not susceptible to it not happening to me. The devil is sneaky; he'll find a way to turn something innocent into a terrible temptation. And, for the record, yes, for a split second some thoughts did enter my mind but I quickly recognized them and knew that they were not the type of thoughts I would normally have. I said the prayer to St. Michael Archangel and then spoke to the priest in the confessional about it (it all happened on a Saturday).

2.) What I'm trying to get at with this example is that, we single young women (and men!) need to be very careful to avoid temptation. My temptation could've easily become letting him appeal to whatever vanity I have by letting him (inappropriately) compliment me and call me beautiful (which he did). My temptation could've been making excuses for his actions because of the attention I was getting. My temptation could've been letting him commit adultery in his heart by letting myself stick around. Again, some of you may have issues with the way I phrased that last sentence but it is what it is. I have as much responsibility as he does to help each other avoid any kind of temptation. And I know some of you have been there or have been on the other end. I've heard of friends who have had their spouses hit on by coworkers, etc. It's terrible. I've seen relationships and marriages broken up because of people who have either simply tempted someone to be unfaithful (though it never went far enough) or have flat out broken up relationships.

3.) I see so many young woman (and men, I see y'all on Twitter, too) lamenting being single and having a deep desire to have any sort of attention that they don't even realize what harm they could be doing to themselves and others. I have amazing guy friends, many of whom are married at this point as we're mostly between mid-late 20s to early 30s. I know and am friends with their wives. They have my back (and act like big brothers) and I have theirs. I love them all (platonically) but there's a fine line that cannot be crossed. Even if they're just dating, there's a fine line between friendship and flirting that is clearly drawn. If I feel like one of them is dangerously close to that line (and it has happened), I make sure my actions speak for themselves. I pull back and even cut off all contact from them if necessary. If they don't get it, I will spell it out for them as bluntly as I am able to with my Jane Bennet tendencies. As I like to say, "homegirl don't play that."

I hope this post didn't seem like I am full of conceit and think of myself as someone who can cause temptation 'cause I don't. In fact, I am actually surprised I had this happen to me. I actually wanted to ask the guy what he was smoking when he said I was beautiful but I opted to pretend that I hadn't heard him and I physically removed myself from where he was.

I wrote this post because I've seen and heard it happen to others and I just want some people to know that no amount of flattery is worth causing problems. Even the nicest person can have a moment of weakness and make a huge mistake. Like I said, temptation will present itself whenever it gets a chance so we must be on our guard. I am just grateful that I have amazing spiritual direction, great friends who pray for me (and I did let two friends know about my predicament as it happened) and that God has blessed me with a hyper awareness of things (except when single guys are flirting with me; I'm clueless then. lol).

Anyway, that's all for now. I am super behind on NaNoWriMo (volunteer work, errands, and illness -- grr!) and I want to get some work done before the CMAs. Go Hunter Hayes (even if I am not even sure he's nominated for anything. lol).

I hope y'all have had a great week thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Permission to Marry Me?

 Inspired by Father's Day coming up this weekend, as well as the controversy surrounding the article 8 Rules for Marrying My Daughter, I decided to write something of my own. You know some of you are curious since my father passed away 4 years ago (next month). Disclaimer before you continue reading: these are my beliefs and what I would want for myself.

First, I have to say that the article has good points. Pat Archbold listed things that I'd like to see in my own future husband. A Catholic man who prays, willingly attends Mass, respects his mother, knows his limits, has an honest job (and his honest himself), and is open to children? Add "accepts nerdy tendencies" to the list and you'll hear me ask "Where can I find one?!" lol. As someone who has dated enough (not a lot, but enough) to know what she looks for in a fella, I agree with a majority of the 8 listed things.

Every person whose vocation is marriage has their own "list" of things they'd like in their future spouse. A devout Catholic man is what I hope to get in my future husband. As someone who loves her faith and is continually seeking to grow closer to God, having a spouse who is striving for the same things is important to me. I'd love to have a husband who, when I am having my anxiety days, will say "it's okay, you can do it/you'll be fine" instead of "well, then we shouldn't go. Let's stay home" when it comes to attending Mass. I'd love to have a husband who would love for us to have time, every day, to pray together... even if it's only for a couple of minutes. I know myself well enough to know that I need someone who encourages me to grow and I know that I will do the same for him. Besides that, I'd like a fella who is honest, hardworking, respectful (old fashioned manners are a bonus), and open to life. I don't think that's too much to ask for... and if it is, oops. This is just my preference. This is what I would like in my future husband. Now that that's out of the way, let me get onto what I really wanted to address.

A lot of people are having issue with the having to ask a father's permission to marry his daughter. I have issue with the word "permission" because it sounds like the young lady has no say in the matter. Bride and groom need to fully consent to the marriage, on their own free will, for it to be considered valid. If either the bride or groom doesn't want to marry the other person, you can't force them -- even if one of the parents wants it for their child.

Personally, I would like it if my future husband would, out of respect for my mother, asked for her blessing. Since my father is gone (and it would apply even if he were still alive), my mother's blessing would be amazing. I know my mother would happily give it if there wasn't any legitimate reason (i.e. something sketchy that she knows that I don't) to not give it. Oh, she'd let me know of any objections to his character before it got that far because she's much more perceptive than I am when it comes to people. And actually, funny story, this has come up twice... only for dating and not necessarily marriage.

I've had two would-be suitors ask my mother if permission would be needed to date or marry me. What did my mother say? "Pfft. 'Permission'? If you want permission, ask Emmy. She's the only who you want a relationship with. Furthermore, she's an adult; she makes her own decisions." There is more but it wouldn't be... nice... to repeat it. lol. (side note: if you're wondering, neither requests were accepted on my part. I'm not picky; I'm just well aware of red flags when I see them.) If you think my father's response would not be the same, you'd be wrong.

One of the last things I spoke to my father about (right before he passed and right before he lost his ability to speak) was my future boyfriend/husband. My older brother (who has taken on the role of the "man of the house" since my dad passed) was in the room this happened. I made a joke about how my father would need a broom to chase away any guy who would dare ask his permission to marry or date me and I will never forget exactly what he said. My dad simply said, in a very sober tone as I had NEVER talked about relationships with him (it was my only real conversation on the topic with him), "That won't be necessary. I trust you and I trust your decisions." Just like that. My father knew he would never get to see me marry but he also knew that I had never given him a real reason not to trust my judgment. When the topic has come up, my older brother has pretty much echoed what my father said (well, besides giving me pointers).

So, to wrap it all up: no, my future husband will not be asking my father (or anyone) for his permission because a) dad's not alive and b) it all boils down to whether or not I will accept him myself. I'm 28 years-old (though I look 18 as some of you like to remind me, lol) and I'd like to think that I know what I want in a spouse to make my own solid choice. Would I love to have him ask for my mother's blessing? Of course! Old fashioned, hopeless romantic, party of one, right here. But if I see that I don't love the poor fella or that I can't see a future with him, I'm going to have to turn him down. It's going to be no one's decision but my own. Repeat after me: "'permission', no. 'Blessing', yes."

Anyway, I just wanted to write this out. I know some people were curious as to what I thought since I had posted the link to the article on Twitter and was asked.

And now back to work. Yes, I try to get some freelance work (no matter how tedious it may be) done in the afternoons/evenings.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Congrats Dan and Angela!

Tomorrow, Dan and Angela will be united in holy matrimony. The fact that they're getting married on the Feast of the Holy Family is wonderful.

Whether you know them through twitter (@CatholicDan and @inspiredangela) or through some part of the Catholic New Media in which they are both active participants... or even if you don't know them at all... I'd like to invite you all to pray for a happy, blessed marriage.

Dan and Angela - while I sadly cannot be there, please know that you two are in my thoughts and prayers on your special day. I love you both very much and I wish nothing but the absolute best for the two of you! <3

My Vocation Discernment Hasn't Been Easy

I think my prayers, along with the prayers of those who wanted to help me figure out what I was going through earlier in the week (the vocation thoughts) were answered. I also want to thank Kerri, Joe of Verbum Veritatis, and Claire of Musings of a Twentysomething for letting me talk about what was going on in my head. It was a big help. (P.S. Joe is also going through his discernment process, though for the priesthood (whoo!) so please pray for him as well.) As some of my friends noticed, I was not myself during this time.

As I said in the past couple of posts, the whole thing had really done a number in my head and had begun to disrupt my prayer life. I was upset about the whole thing, though I'd always been very accepting of what God wanted my vocation to be. I've knelt in from of the Tabernacle several times and told God that I'd do whatever he wanted me to do... and meant it. Every time I've done it, I've been sure that my vocation had been that of a wife and mother. I felt it in my heart that it was what I was meant to be. The thought that it was really the single life and that I'd been deceiving myself was what really upset me. Luckily though, I'm no longer upset over it... and not only because I'm once again sure that I'm meant to be married.

So how did the single vocation thought go away? It actually happened while writing my last blog. I wrote "It literally just dawned on me that all these thoughts and doubts could've just been put into my head because the enemy wants me to abandon my prayer life and wants me to be angry at something I love so dearly." Once I wrote that and really thought about it, I felt a huge wave of relief... like I'd just stumbled unto the answer I'd been looking for. That's not to say that it was a relief because I'd get my selfish wish of picking what vocation I most wanted, but because it explained why I'd gotten all this anger out of nowhere and at Church, after confessions, of all places... and why there was something that wanted me to get mad at God (which, luckily, I didn't.) Not only that, I became REALLY happy. It was like "HA! God, you've helped me figure it out! Thank you for giving me the strength to not do something stupid like blame You for this." This was actually what I talked to my friends about. I'd been so confused; I wasn't acting or sounding like myself and it was all just so frustrating. It was honestly unlike anything I'd ever felt before. The outcome of this is peace in my heart and an even stronger passion for prayer and for devoting myself to God.

A twitter friend brought up something about what I'd written about my vocation discernment. I'll repeat some of the same things I said to her here. My vocation discernment isn't something I've done on a whim. It's not "go with your gut instinct" or "do what you want most." I've spent years doing it; praying about what my discernment might be and doing what I believe God wants me to do. I've talked to Fr. Leo and Fr. Stan about this. Actually Fr. Leo, and later on Fr. Stan, helped me realized that I wasn't meant out for the religious vocation, though I actually really wanted to be a sister/nun. When I was a little girl, as young as 5-6 years old, I would say that I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. It all appealed to me. I had even gotten into an argument with my mother about a year and a half ago regard it. I'd told her that if it was what God wanted, I would do it; that I was sorry that she disliked the vocation for me but that I'd do what I was meant to do.

My vocation discernment journey hasn't been easy. I've been thrown a lot of obstacles on the way. The realization that I was meant to be a wife and mommy someday came to me very slowly. If you'd asked me a few years ago, even as recent as 4-5 years ago, I would've told you that I didn't want kids. I've always loved kids but I didn't want any of my own. (side note: This was all prior to me returning to the Church.) I didn't want kids and I'd tell my friends that they'd be crazy if they thought I would want more than 1 if someday I did. I had other plans for my life: I wanted to be a wedding planner, eventually marry, and that was it. There were no plans to have children. Once I returned to the Church and started learning about Catholicism all over again, and really exploring my religion in a way I hadn't before I'd "left", it all changed for me. At the time, I still didn't think I would be a mom and the religious life was something I wanted. I fell in love with the faith and with my newfound prayer life. Nothing appealed more to me than to completely devote myself to God. I talked to Fr. Leo first and he suggested I wait to make up my mind; to pray about it. So I did... and slowly I began to realize what my vocation truly was while I began to get very excited about the prospect of being a mother someday. I prayed about it, many times in front of the Tabernacle and/or in Church, and I just knew that this was what God wanted me to do. I accepted it and I had been on this path ever since. And for the record, I'm not saying it'll be like this for everyone. The process is completely different for everyone. Like St. Therese of Lisieux, some people know their vocations at an earlier age than others. For some it's easier than others. The important thing is to never be upset with God and to never cease praying.

As I wrote a couple of entries ago, I recently decided to slightly modify what I would do with my life while I waited to get married and start a family and I couldn't be happier with this decision. It's already changed who I am, for the better, and I think my friends could see it by just looking at me. I have this huge smile that I can't wipe off my face. I do silly dances more often than not. I thank God for everything, including the whole single vocation curve ball I endured for a couple of days. I now have slightly more "selfish" plans for myself. My more longterm goals are to finish my degree. More immediate plans include starting a little "garden" I can keep within the confines of my apartment and doing things, like taking dance classes, for myself. I also want to learn how to make more dishes since my mother has declared that she hates cooking and baking. Luckily, I love cooking so I won't mind. Who knows, I might even attempt to become a chef some day; the sky's the limit when it comes to my dreams and plans. :D Of course, I will try to do everything with God in mind. Cooking and baking classes? I could put those skills to use by making food for the homeless. The dance class? I could help out an elementary school's after school program to keep kids off the streets by volunteering to teach dance. My garden? I could grow flowers and give them to patients at hospitals who don't get visitors. That's what makes me so happy about all of this; I'm doing things I love AND finding ways to help others. Thank you, Lord, for helping me with this. I give Him all credit for this happiness I feel. :D

Alright, well, I think that's about it for now. I've written too much again... as usual. Sorry. lol. I'm going to go tango dance for a little while (VERY little since I'm now running late.) Is it possible to tango in a classy way that's not provocative? That's what I'm about to find out. :D

I hope everyone had a great week. Once again, thank you so much for your prayers for me. God certainly listened. And, please, never hesitate to ask me to pray for you. I'd be more than happy to do it. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Fighting Vocation Rethought; Music Monday

I cannot get the vocation rethought out of my head today. It's actually taking a bit of time that I should be using to get homework done. Yes, we've already got assigned tasks on the first day of classes. As my Philosophy professor said this morning, "Welcome to college!" lol. Anyway, I'm even more confused than ever on what I should do and it's starting to take a toll on me, spiritually.

I once again feel, deep down, like I'm meant for the married vocation but I still have that nagging feeling like maybe not. It's doing quite a number in my head. I've had a number of people who know me tell me they think I've make a good wife and mother (and a couple of those people are guy friends of mine), especially since I've already ruled out the religious vocation which some people felt I should've "done." Unfortunately, we don't get to decide these things. If I had it my way, I would be a wife and mother in a couple of years, after I finished college and established my career. If a couple of my "trad" Catholic friends had their way, I'd be a religious sister/nun (you guys know who you are). If you had a chance to peek into my mind, you wouldn't make sense of ANYTHING in there at the moment. I'm stressed about school already (thank the lack of financial aid for that), I'm still getting over my "anger"/frustration that accompanies the mourning process, etc. As reluctant as I am to admit this... I acknowledge that I'm still getting over all the disappointment, and a bit of anger, I recently felt due to things that were uncovered about a person whom I deeply loved. Even thinking about it makes me tear up, that's how fresh it still is. All of these things make me sometimes wonder if the thoughts about the single vocation aren't just an "attractive" option because of everything I've recently gone through. Honestly, even when I thought about the religious life, I always felt like I was meant to be married. I sobbed endlessly when my father's death hit me because of thought that I wouldn't have him to walk me down the aisle if/when my wedding day arrived.

I've thought about the single vocation, and I honestly don't know if I would be able to handle it. Though I'm fiercely independent (I actually enjoy working for my own money and paying for my things with my hard earned money) and could probably survive on my own, there's something that... I don't know... makes me cringe and uncomfortable about it. I'm not saying it's horrible and that I pity those who are meant for that vocation; I just don't know if it's for me. Again, it's not up to me, I've already told God that if it's my vocation, I won't fight it as much as I'd probably want to. And do I want to. Right now I want to cry and fight the feeling that I'm meant for this vocation... and I don't know if it because it's in my very nature to "rebel" against what I feel I'm being forced to do because it's my meant vocation or because, even though I'm not meant for it, I feel like I would be force to choose this to spare my mother's feelings. Again, I never felt this way until my mom kept bringing up marriage often followed by "I don't know what I'd do on my own." Yes, I had single vocation thoughts before all of this, but I never gave me second thoughts. I was so sure of my vocation until recently. Ugh! I'm sounding like a broken record, aren't I?

What I hate more about this is that it's causing me to lose my prayer life. I don't know where it's coming from. I just don't want to pray though I still do and fight against this apathetic, yet rebellious, feeling. It could be that I don't want this vocation so badly that I don't want my prayers answered or it could be the enemy putting all these thoughts into my head and thus making me a nutty nerd. It literally just dawned on me that all these thoughts and doubts could've just been put into my head because the enemy wants me to abandon my prayer life and wants me to be angry at something I love so dearly. If I ever needed St. Therese of Lisieux's intercession and one of her roses, it's now... or very soon; before I go absolutely batty. If y'all could please pray for me, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I think I'm going to go pray for a little while, after I finish a couple of quick things for my online/distance-education courses which start today. I want to get all the things that have deadlines before I can focus on my own internal struggle.

Oh, and since this is the first Music Monday, in a while, that I've posted anything... here's this week's song. I've mentioned Celtic Thunder a lot recently so I thought that one of the songs by a member of the group was appropriate. I've chosen the cover of "Castles in the Air" sung by C.T.'s Keith Harkin. (P.S. Celtic Thunder is made of 5 vocalists who do their own songs as well as group songs.) I think it's a beautiful rendition of the song and is currently my favorite song.



Okay, I'm off to tackle Biological Psychology and Interpersonal Communication before prayers and a quick nap (in that order). I hope everyone that returned to school today had a great day (better than mine; long story, lol)... and that those who went to school near the fires are/were safe! May St. Florian keep all the firefighters safe during this difficult time (and crazy heatwave).

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

Epiphany at Church: Married or Single Vocation?

I love when things "randomly" click together, especially when I'm at Church for Mass. It actually happens more often when I go to Mass by myself than when I go with someone. Since my mom worked today, I had to go by my lonesome. Last Sunday I ended up missing Mass because my ride (actually a transportation service in L.A. which I am qualified for) failed to pick me up and then by the time they were going to send someone, it was too late for Mass. Argh, these people. :( Anyway, I was glad that I was picked up (late, but better than nothing) and that I was able to get there in time to get confessed before Mass.

So, why didn't I go yesterday? I did... and we didn't get a chance to confess. For the first time since about October of last year, the confession line was so long, that people worried about whether or not they would get a chance. Sadly, there was only one priest (which could explain the dozen or so people still waiting to confess 15 minutes before time was up) and we were at the very back of the line. Since there was no way I was going to receive the Eucharist (I MUST every weekend) if I didn't confess, I made it a goal to do so before Mass today. Luckily, Fr. Leo let me confess before the last English Mass of the day (the noon Mass) and I was good.

One thing I also got to (quickly) talk about with Fr. Leo was my vocation. I'm going to talk to him about becoming a Lay Carmelite soon, since I am positive that I am not meant for the religious vocation. I wouldn't be opposed to it if I was. :D After my talk with him, while at Mass I realized something that I'd been neglecting to think about... what if I'm actually called to be single? What if I'm so afraid to be alone, or so selfish to want my own family, that I'm failing to see what my vocation could truly be? I'd never really considered it before. I was internally fighting against the thought as it came into my mind.

I considered what I thought, that maybe I didn't think about it before because I was either afraid to be alone or because I'd been too selfish, wanting a husband and children... but then two more thoughts crossed my mind; maybe I've just thought about this (single vocation) because I've already gotten guilt trips about leaving my mom to fend for herself. As I said in my No Dating; Courtship post, the topic of marriage has come up often recently (if I had a penny for every time it came up...) and every time I've felt bad about even thinking about it because I know I'd have to leave my mom and make my own life with my new husband. The thought of being called to be single had crossed my mind, and I had seriously thought about becoming a religious sister for a long time, but I'd always felt like I was called to being a wife and mother. Up until recently, I really felt that that was it for me. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if my feelings changed because of all the guilt I feel or because it's truly my vocation. As Fr. Leo briefly advised me, I need to really pray hard about this and then get back to him soon. Since he is now my main spiritual adviser (Fr. Stan got transferred to another parish), I'll have to update him with my journey thus far. What I am sure of it that whether I stay single or get married, I will still want to be associated with the Carmelites in one way or another.

I have A LOT to think, and pray, about. Hey, now I have something new to think about when I'm back to school. :D And, speaking of which, I'm off to get my schedule printed and make sure my ride will pick me up on time. I like to over-prepare myself so that I'm not stressing in the morning. First class of the day/school year: Philosophy of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Whoo-hoo! :D

Hope everyone had a great weekend. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.