It's official... I'm in love!

It's official... I'm in love! No, this is no clickbait title. I truly am in love.

I'm in "thinking only about them and not about myself" love.

I'm in "I would sacrifice my creature comforts; sacrifice that which gives me little moments of joy and pleasure for them" love.

I'm in "I finally understand what it means to truly be in love" love.

What brought this realization? Ven. Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married.

I've been trying to finish this book for months now. Sadly, I'm still nowhere near done because I underline and leave a lot of comments in the margin. A lot -- it's that good! I often pause and think about what I've read and how it pertains to me before continuing. It's actually become part of my Lectio Divina routine since it is considered spiritual reading.

But, even before it became part of my (now) daily reading requirement, it was a source of a lot of food for thought. Even before I realized that I might've been called to something other than marriage and family (at least, in the traditional sense), it had begun changing my mindset on what love truly was and what it meant to me. To this day, the deeper I go into it, the more things make sense to me -- and the more I realize how truly in love I am!

After discussing wedding plans and what my future life with a certain someone would look like (when I was discerning marriage with said person), I decided to dust off the book and read it. It had been sitting on my bookshelf for years, gathering dust since I was determined not to get ahead of myself. No, I wanted to read it until I had begun discerning marriage with someone. I kept telling myself that I had no use for it "right now" because I had been single for so long. Now I regret not having read it sooner.

Yesterday, it got me to reflect on my past "loves" -- the (very, very few) young men I thought I had been in love with at some point in my life. Upon further reflection, I came to realize that I had been misusing the word for most of those crushes and/or relationships. It wasn't the kind of love God had intended. It was what Pope St. John Paul II would call utilitarian love; a love in which I thought about how it could be useful to me and what it could do for me. I know that sounds horrible but that's what my immature mind and heart craved for a long time in my teens into the early part of my reversion. There was a selfish component in which my feelings were at the forefront; where I only wanted what I wanted and, sure, I thought about them, too, but I was more focused on myself.

I wish I could say that I grew out of it but I would be lying if I didn't admit that it had crept up again in recent experiences. I thought about how the other person made me happy. Sure, I wanted what was best for them, too, but I would still think about myself and avoiding getting hurt in any way. I thought about how dependent I had become on them for my happiness and security. I had begun overlooking things that didn't sit well with me; things I knew, deep down, I should've spoken up against more often and without fear. Not fear of God but fear of how they would react and how much it would hurt me. Are we seeing the selfish pattern?

I had let the euphoric highs dictate things for far too long. They should've been -- and were when I didn't ignore them -- the first red flags that things weren't right but I was so caught up in my emotions. That's not to say I didn't have my lows. I did. When I came crashing down to earth, I hit hard and I ended up hating myself for it. Yes, hating myself. The passions were strong in me. But then another high would come and it would undo my resolution to not let myself be caught up in those feelings. It wasn't until Our Lady stepped in and interceded that I knew things couldn't continue. That's when I began on the path I'm currently on.

After all those reflections, I came to the conclusion that I've been in love -- in the true sense of the word as I'm coming to understand it -- only once in my life. I will say that I am so grateful that I can claim that the only person I've ever truly loved (in a romantic sense) is someone whom I still admire and respect.

"So," you may be wondering, "are you saying that you're still in love with said person? Is this your big, romantic gesture towards them?"

No. Although I'm truly grateful for having had that experience, there is no future -- at least, not in the romantic sense, for him and I. He is someone I still care deeply for but I've realized that I'm in love with Someone Else. In a surprising (or unsurprising, perhaps) plot twist, I actually came to realize how truly in love I am with Christ! Insert your own surprising level here. Go ahead, I'll wait for whatever reaction you're having to pass. lol.

The more I think about love and the more I think about the possibility of beginning my official discernment to consecrated virginity, the more it makes sense to me. There was always something lacking in my past relationships and crushes. Even with the only man I had ever felt true love for, I couldn't picture a future with him. There was a reason for it, which now makes me laugh in hindsight. He taught me about what it was to love unselfishly and what it meant to will the good of the other but I could never picture myself married to him for a reason I now understand. With the rest, perhaps I could've seen a future with them but I can now see why things didn't work out; why things worked out as they have. God has opened my eyes to see where there would've been major problems. I can see where we would've been unhappy and where the love would've continued down a utilitarian route. Perhaps not just (or at all) on my side but I could see where there would've been a breakdown in loving the other person as God intended. I didn't want to be used nor did I want to use the other person so I'm grateful for everything that has happened to date. I now fully understand why things never truly felt right to me in any of those relationships.

So, yes, I have come to realize that I have fallen in love with Christ. When I think about the ultimate and greatest act of love mankind has ever known -- His crucifixion and death for the salvation of all of humanity -- the more I understand what love and the more I want to imitate that love. And by that, I mean that I want to fully die to myself and serve others. I want to let go of my selfishness and be more charitable. In a nutshell, I want to become even more Benedictine  -- to humble myself so that others always come before me; to serve; to become as little and unimportant as possible. Okay, so that last part is also partly St. Therese-inspired.

Just as Christ loved His Church, I want to do what I can for her. As fragile and feeble as I am, I can still offer up my ailments and moments of distress for the clergy and the good of the Church. I want to give as much of myself as I can. I want to give the rest of my life for His greater glory in whichever way I can. The beautiful part is that I know I can do -- and have begun doing -- this as a Benedictine Oblate. As a novice, I've already seen how my life has changed for the better; how my heart is opening to the plea of others in a way I haven't seen in many years. I had unintentionally hardened my heart in recent years. Now, it's all begun to revert to how things were prior to this hardening. All credit goes to my being an Oblate novice. Just the thought of making my Final Act of Oblation fills me with tears of joy and happiness.

Furthermore, I can also do this as a consecrated virgin. If it's God's will -- and my Oblate master, spiritual director, and Archbishop Gomez agree -- I will begin my official discernment soon. I'm still waiting to hear from my Oblate master; to make sure a discernment won't interfere with my novitiate as I know we cannot make certain vows as Oblates. I also have my next spiritual direction meeting coming up. To say I'm excited to see what God has in store for me is an understatement.

If for whatever reason God doesn't will for me to become a consecrated virgin, I will accept it. If He wants me to stay single but simply make private vows, I will do it. If He is just preparing my heart for a man with whom I can live out this love for Christ, I also accept it. I meant it when I said I wanted nothing more than to do His will for my life.

The only thing I'm certain of -- the only thing that brings me simultaneous joy and peace -- is that I am called to become a Benedictine Oblate. And, as an Oblate, I am called to love and serve God and others with the gifts He has given me.

So, that's where I am. This was no clickbait title. I am in love and a deep love at that. My heart overflows with it, especially now that it's becoming softer. Just when I thought it wasn't possible for me to love God any more, my heart grows and expands, surprising (yet not) me in the process.

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to explore this love for God and discern my vocation in the process. I continue to pray for you all as well. :)

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!

Questions Regarding Blindness and Personal Decisions

Lately, I've been thinking about blindness and the personal decisions I'd make if I were to go blind. No, this isn't something I'm experiencing (thankfully). I mean, my vision is terrible and I need the help of glasses and contact lenses to see clearly but that's not a factor in this. "If I had been blind -- literally or metaphorically -- would I have made the same decisions?" is a question I've been asking myself lately.

What brought this on? Re-reading Archbishop Charles J. Chaput's Strangers in a Strange Land: Living the Catholic Faith in a Post-Christian World. I had previously listened to it on audiobook and I had loved it, but I decided to read it more slowly and carefully and I'm so glad that I did. There were many things that made me stop and think but nothing quite like when he talked about our uber materialistic culture and how consumer-driven images have a greater influence on society as a whole than God and our faith.

With "influencers" making visually pleasing posts on Instagram and vloggers and celebrities getting paid (or simply receiving free items) to be seen wearing or featuring specific products for advertising purposes, there's no escaping it. We see things set up on Pinterest, Instagram, and other social media platforms in such a way that we end up wanting it. It doesn't even have to be products. People only show what they wish to show... in a way that plays up the best of the qualities.

Ever come across an Instagram account where the couple shares videos and pictures of their adventures, completely "loved up"? How about someone getting something you've always wanted but know you perhaps can't afford? It's easy to get caught up in this game where you become envious and want what someone else has. I'm a very visual person; perhaps that's why my favorite social media platform is Instagram. However, I'm also very careful about what accounts I follow (or who I allow to follow me back) in order to cut back on anything that would bring out the worst in me.

In my teens into my 20s, I often wanted things because they were visually pleasing; because a certain influential person used it; because I thought it would make me loved. I wanted the *insert brand name and item* because it was a symbol of wealth (whether I had wealth or not was a different story) or "cool" factor. I kept trying to keep up with the Joneses', the pretty people, and it all left me feeling terribly empty.

Now I come across these things and go, "Nope, I have student loans to pay off. Nope, I have my trip to fund. Nope, I know that that company donates to Planned Parenthood and/or exploits their workers." That's not to say that when I come across something -- e.g. a book or a puzzle (I'm a jigsaw puzzle fanatic) -- I don't want it, but now I feel like the Holy Spirit and my Guardian Angel tag-team to help me stop and remember that I truly don't need the item; that it will not enrich my life in any way. Hey, I'm saving up for a trip for an annual Oblate retreat so I don't want to be tempted to get anything I don't need.

Beyond that -- and coming back to the topic of this blog -- I thought about how much different life would be if I were blind; again, literally or metaphorically. If I were blind, would I want even a quarter of the stuff I want? If I didn't see the covers of books or pretty puzzles or even that awesome dress I've been wanting to get, would I want them? If I couldn't see what people looked like, who would I fall in love with -- the man who was handsome with some moral defects or the man who may not be considered the best looking but has strong morals and a love for Christ? Who would I listen to -- the celebrity selling me something I don't need or the person who might be as poor as a church mouse but who would inspire me to live a holy life? I hope the answers I came up with for this hypothetical set of questions are the same that I will choose despite having all my senses (thanks be to God).

When I fall in love -- if it's God's will for me -- I pray that I fall in love with a man who loves God above all; a hardworking, respectful man who loves his family. I hope I see who he truly is instead of being blinded by what he may want me to see. And, likewise, I hope he sees who I am deep down -- the good AND the bad -- and gets past the superficial stuff I may be unconsciously putting out there.

I hope that when I want something, it's because it'll bring me closer to my ultimate goal of getting into Heaven. I pray that God will remove as much of the materialistic side I may have as possible. I pray that I will always want to work hard but also share what God has blessed me with through that hard work. I still have a long way to go but I'd like to think I'm not a total lost cause when it comes to this.

Have any of you stopped to think about these things or am I just a massive weirdo who likes to ponder about these things?

Anyway, just some of my thoughts I wanted to share.

I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Ladies, Don't Romanticize Your Celebrity Crushes

I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to blog until I finished studying... and I still have a lot of studying to do for tomorrow and Saturday's exams. I was going to wait until this weekend to blog (and I do have a few posts in mind) but then I read this article about why Harry Styles would be the "best boyfriend" the writer will never have and I had to write this because I feel very strongly about this topic.

This was the reason why I wanted to finish and publish the third novel. The fantasy world that so many young women (and some young men) live in because of their crushes on celebrities is seriously unhealthy. Social media has made it worse because it's now easier than ever to get in touch with someone famous that you like. Ladies, I'm so sorry to burst your bubble but who we usually see on interviews, tv shows, movies, on stage, etc... that's usually either a completely different persona or just one small part of who that person is. I'm going to admit that I know this firsthand because the last guy I dated is also an actor.

My ex-boyfriend presented (to the public) someone who was completely different than who he was in private. His fans thought (and possibly still think) he was this very sweet, humble, Christian guy... and I got someone who was emotionally and mentally manipulative and somewhat abusive. This was a guy who, while I accompanied him to a conference in which he made a "celebrity" appearance, thought it was funny to say "hey, look at this picture" and show me a pornographic shot (think Playboy-style) of a naked woman. I obviously looked away right away and I was sick to my stomach over the photo... but he thought it was just hilarious to defile my eyes and my mind. After we broke up and I cut him out of my life, he spread so many lies about me and he hacked into my emails and accounts to try to ruin me and my reputation. Now you see why my friends and I joke about his needing an exorcism?

The fangirls generally don't see how dangerous and how destructive some of the lifestyle choices their favorite celebrities make... or they choose not to care because of the crush. The drinking, the drugs, the sleeping around, the excess, etc. They do so many things that lead these people astray and they do these things behind closed doors because they don't want to alienate their fanbase. These girls buy into this myth that their celebrity crush is clean-cut and wholesome... or they see part of how they truly are and they glorify these dangerous actions. "This is the new Millennium..." "It's his/her life..." "Who are you to judge?" "Who cares what he/she is doing; he/she is hot..." I've seen and heard it all... and have seen them then try to emulate their crushes' actions because they want to be liked by them. Our culture is very used to Kardashian-style openness that doesn't hide very much from their fanbase... but there's still a lot that people don't see. These people have publicists and things they don't want you to know or see. Of course, just like with every profession/career out there, there are exceptions to the rule (and I still have acquaintances within the biz)... but, sadly, there are not enough good people who are honest and moral in the entertainment biz.

As someone who became a teenager in the late 90s/early 00s boy-band boom (I was a teenager between 1998 and 2004), I totally get celebrity crushes. I still get "celebrity crushes" like once every 4-5 years or so which feels weird now because I'm 32. lol. It's different for me because I usually "crush" on the talent and not so much on the person because of what I've lived through. Tom Hiddleston? A talented guy who can really act. Before Hiddleston it was James McAvoy; same reasons -- talented but it ended there. I think if I had to pick someone right now, I'd say my current "celebrity crush" might be Danny O'Donoghue from The Script because that man can write a great song... but the crush starts and ends there... and I'm still selective of which songs I buy and I wait for clean version of songs because I like my songs innuendo and cuss-free. lol.

I truly believe this is not just a celebrity crush thing. I think, sadly, many women romanticize their crushes (whether they're famous or the boy-next-door) and they project their own thoughts and feelings about them onto the person. I've lived through that myself; very few of us are immune to it. But I think it's gotten worse with the younger generation. They have this romanticized idea of what love is supposed to be like... how relationships are meant to play out... what an "ideal" boyfriend is supposed to be like, etc. All of that greatly distorts what true love is and it sets them up for heartache and unrealistic expectations.

I wish I could get more into this topic because it's one I feel strongly about but let's just say that I feel like we should do what we can to help any person who might be falling into this trap. If you yourself fall into their category, please don't think I'm attacking you. I'm just trying to help open your eyes to the reality. You do yourself, the person you're crushing, and your future spouse a disservice by living in a fantasy world. Yes, real life can be much harder and less predictable than fantasy-land... but it's also so much more beautiful and fulfilling than whatever fantasy your imagination can come up with. Not to mention, if you fall into lustful fantasies about your crushes, you need to get to the confessional asap. Slippery slope, y'all.

Okay, I think that's all I'm going to say for now. I've already spent too much time writing this (as quickly as I could) instead of studying. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well and I hope to write again this weekend... if I can get Saturday's exam completed early.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Mental and Emotional Purity

Many people (who have excellent taste in films and shows) have been raving about The Crown on Netflix so, naturally, I wanted to watch it. I have Netflix for a couple more days (I got it for a month) and have been attempting to add it to my queue but it never showed up. I wondered why I kept adding it without success. I thought it was a glitch on Netflix's end until I tried to watch it on my laptop as opposed to my TV (which is hooked to Roku and allows me to watch Netflix, Feeln, EWTN, etc). So, what was the reason? The Crown is rated TV-MA. TV-MA and rated R films are purposely blocked because I simply do not feel comfortable watching sex scenes and nakedness. A couple people on my Twitter feed said "oh, it's just the actor's naked backside for a scene or two" like it wasn't a big deal. I'm sure it isn't to them but it is to me.

I've already written about how I'm proud to be a "prude" (5 years ago) and even expanded on why I choose to forgo watching films, t.v. shows, and reading books that have sex scenes in a post earlier this year. For the tl;dr crowd: I have an active and vivid imagination that does not to have those images replaying in my mind, which I'll later have to go to confession for. I'm also terribly uncomfortable with it. Yes, sex is a beautiful and natural part of married life but I'm not comfortable with those images, either visually or mentally. Even though they are characters and actors paid to do their jobs, it feels like an invasion of privacy on an intimate moment meant for two people. I've gotten comments about how "ridiculous" I am for "being this way" but I don't care. If I'm not comfortable with something, I'm going to avoid it. I know myself better than anyone else does and I know where my weaknesses are. There's a reason why I threw away my Meg Cabot books earlier this year and why I'm going to end this year with another music purge like I did 3 years ago.

Let's go beyond sex scenes. We women tend to be emotional creatures by nature. Hallmark movies and chick lit give us unrealistic expectations about love and romance. They make us feel all warm and fuzzy. When you're a single woman, it's so easy to fall into the temptation to think "wow, I wish I could have that..." Yes, I can now watch Hallmark movies and not think that life is going to be like that because, well, it's not. It's easier now but, oh, it wasn't always easy for me to separate between the two.

If you can watch these things and are not as sensitive to them as I am, power to you. I'm not here to shame anyone who can watch or read these things and not have them affect them. I, unfortunately, cannot claim the same so I do what I have to do to keep some mental and emotional purity. I know, I know. Some of you have an issue with the phrase "emotional purity" but I'm going to use it for one good reason: I struggled with it earlier this year.

During the summer, when I had an anemic spiritual life, there was a young man who (still is) lovely but was all wrong for me for several reasons. (side note: I should also remind everyone that I was emotionally fragile during this time so it wasn't the ideal time for this to happen though, looking back at it, I'm glad it did.) I was on an emotional high for quite some time, which hasn't been normal for me as an adult but it's something I was not unfamiliar with as a teenager while away from the Church. I felt things a lot more intensely then (think Marianne Dashwood as opposed to the Elinor Dashwood my friends are more use to these days) than I do now because I've learned to practice a lot of self-control and I've learned to not get carried away with my feelings or my imagination. I momentarily forgot that for a couple of weeks and it was unhealthy for me. I actually felt like a teenager and not the 31-year-old young woman that I am. All those ideas I got from books I read and movies I watched years ago came flooding back into my mind. "Wouldn't it be lovely if this happened...?" "Wouldn't it be romantic if...?" Does anyone see where I'm going with this and why I chose, years ago, to avoid things that could later be brought up in my mind when I'm having a moment of weakness? No, my thoughts didn't necessarily go there but they could've easily gone there if I hadn't exercised some degree of control (the little that I had at the time) over my imagination.

Yes, it's really dumb and I'm not proud of it but the evil one knows where my weaknesses lie. My emotions and my heart (hopeless romantic, party of one) are two of my biggest downfalls when I let my guard down. This young man, as lovely as he is, was a massive temptation to my emotional health. What I felt for him was so strong (or so it seemed; emotions can trip you up) that my imagination went into overdrive with romantic ideals. It's an INFP downfall; we're too idealistic and too prone to live in a fantasy world if we're not careful... and I wasn't for a while. Everything I worked hard to control over the years flew out the window. It didn't last too long, thank goodness.

I confided in those I feel closest to and I'm sure their prayers were what helped me get out of this ridiculous state of mind. I made the decision to nip it in the bud, as hard as it was. It took a couple of weeks but I was able to get out of that state of mind and back to normal. This happened months ago (during the summer) but I struggled with these thoughts again late last month through earlier this month when they resurfaced during the 54-day Rosary Novena I'm doing. However, this time I understood that it was because of the nature of one of my intentions for the novena so it was easier (time-wise) to overcome it.

So, you see, this is why I continue to be cautious and keep myself from watching things that can end up kicking my tush in the future. Yes, I'm uncomfortable watching sex scenes and naked people because it's how I was raised but I also know that it can be a weakness for me. I have a feeling there are more people like me out there but who are embarrassed to admit this (which was not easy for me to do). It is what it is. Know yourselves. Keep in mind your strengths and weaknesses. Don't ever be too comfortable with your own perceived power/abilities because temptation can be a lot stronger than you think. Evil doesn't take a day off. It will catch you off-guard. Prayer, remembering that you need God during these moments of weakness, and lots of moral support from people you trust are key during these times.

Alright, I think that's enough gut spillage for now. I'm going to go hide or something. lol. ;)

I hope y'all had a lovely work week and that you have a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dating Myself

No, not dating myself in the "using outdated slang" sense though that's always a fun way to make oneself feel old amongst pre-teens. Seriously, ask any of my nieces and nephews under 11 "who let the dogs out?" or tell them to "raise the roof" and they'll look at you with a perplexed expression.

In the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day, I began seeing articles about how a single people should act, what they should do, and how they could "tolerate" or even "survive" the holiday. The term "Singles Awareness Day" bugs me, plain and simple. I guess I'm just not bitter about being single and I'm going to tell you why.

I'm not saying it's easy being single. I'm a 30 year-old single lady; there are always comments, especially when people learn how old I am. Do you know how often I get told that if I don't have kids anytime soon, chances that I won't be able to "bounce back" or that the baby will be born with a number of "defects" increases? Do you know how often the fact that I'm single gets thrown in my face? Do you know how often I have to hear my mom lament (though in a jokingly way; there's still truth behind it) about not having grandchildren to friends, family, and even strangers? Let me just put it this way: if I had a dollar for every time I've heard these comments since my mid-20s, I would quite possibly be able to pay off all my student loans -- for all three degrees I've studied for (Religious Studies B.A., Communicative Disorders & Deaf Education B.S., and Biblical Theology M.A.) When Catholic folks find out I'm single, some even push me to become a nun, despite my telling them it's not my vocation. I just smile and say I'm not my vocation but we all know I can get very tired of hearing that as well. 

The single life as a Catholic seems a little more difficult sometimes. Like everyone who takes their faith and their relationship with God seriously, I have my fears regarding my future vocation. Some of those fears are a little silly, some are understandable, but all are very real to me. Though I'm fiercely independent, I still go through periods in which the loneliness has hit pretty hard. I think what's really helped me out has been learning to entrust my loneliness to God and my discernment to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Ever since I've done that, I have viewed this period of singlehood differently. Again, it doesn't mean it's easy; I've just learned how readjust how I view this season of life. I think that's why I'm not a bitter single on Valentine's Day.

I love love but I'm a romantic realist. I know what's real and what's fantasy. I love my Hallmark Channel chick flicks (especially the Christmas ones!) and romantic gestures but I know that real life is not like that. I've seen the ups and downs my friends have gone through with their spouses. I know getting married is not going to solve any loneliness I may occasionally feel. I don't expect any man to make me "feel complete" because I know only God can fill that role. I'm sort of a little ball of contradictions when it comes to this. I know enough about how I view love, romance, and my future vocation to know that my priorities are in the right place. My former spiritual director made sure I understood things. And while this is all great, there was one thing I was missing: knowing myself better.

I can do all those personality tests to find out what kind of person I am. I'm an INFP, a phlegmatic-sanguine (or a phlegmatic-melancholic, depending on the test), my love language is quality time, etc. However, this doesn't really do much to help me in terms of vocation. I think that's why I decided a little while ago (don't ask me how long; I don't keep track of these things) to "date" myself; to figure out what I can bring to a relationship or what I need to work on. I've already learned about a lot about myself -- a lot of things I either didn't want to acknowledge or accept or things I didn't know.

I've been looking at my relationships -- my relationship with my mom, my brother, and my friends (both male and female). I've noticed what makes me happy, what makes me grumpy, what my boundaries are, what I must do when I'm upset, and what will motivate me. I know that I need to communicate the fact that I'm upset when I'm in a funk because I tend to withdraw. I've learned that I need to tell those I love that I'm feeling grumpy so I can get a little bit of space to cool down. I also know that I thrive around people but that that introverted side of me still need to recharge after being around others for a couple of hours.

Last year I made my first attempts (in a long time) to actually be more active in my vocation discernment. Yes, this is a fancy way of saying that I tried my hand at dating. The experiences taught me about what I look for in a potential spouse. I've learned that I love open communication and hate leaving things unresolved. I'm surprisingly patient and open to criticism when it's done with love and no one is defensive or aggressive. While I love having my own space, I love spending quality time with the other person.While I don't like being teased too much (I'm usually Little Miss Serious Business), some people to tend to draw out the more silly and playful side of me that not many people get to see. I also learned that I don't like "online dating" websites so don't expect to see me on Catholic Match anytime soon. 

The best thing that I learned about "dating myself" is that I'm at a place in my life where I'm finally comfortable in my own skin and with my ever-growing relationship with God. I'm happy with who I am, even with the quirks and the flaws I need to learn to manage better. I'm comfortable enough to be open about them and not be ashamed for not being "perfect." I've finally figured out how I thrive and what sinks me not only in life and in my relationships but with God as well. I've learned that my heart is His until He says "alright, this man will help you grow closer to Me" and there is something absolutely beautiful about that. I've also learned that I'm never going to be done getting to know myself because, as all human beings, I'm still growing and changing. Things I liked and didn't like in my teens and 20s aren't the same now that I've entered my 30s.

Yes, things are terribly slow on the vocation (big V) front but He knows why. I know, I know... single ladies over the age of 25 (and especially in their late 20s to early-mid 30s) hate when people say that everything will happen in God's timing but I firmly believe that. Every single thing I've gone through as in some way, shape, or form helped prepare me for my life with my future husband. All I can do now is to continue praying for him and working on my relationship with God. I'm not going to dwell on being single or trying too hard to find someone but I will keep learning about myself and how to be a better version of myself for when the day comes. Now if he could only stop being such a guy and pull over and ask for directions because he's obviously lost on the highway of love... lol. ;)

I highly recommend that you lovely single ladies (and gentlemen!) get to know yourselves (even if it's stuff you don't want to acknowledge) while you wait. Don't dwell on the fact that you're single. There's so much you can do in the meantime. Learn what your gifts are, what makes you shine, what drains you, what you don't like. Take up a hobby. Do something you like, bonus points if it helps someone else. Work on your relationship with God. Learn how you thrive in relationships of all kinds, not just exclusively romantic in nature. Entrust your loneliness to God. Smile. If it's your vocation, it will happen. Take comfort in knowing that, even if the waiting time can be incredibly frustrating at times. :)

Anyway, just my two cents on this matter. Sorry I didn't post it earlier but, as I wrote yesterday, I had a couple of off days that delayed when this got published. :) And now I'm off to... I have no idea. I'm probably reading or taking a nap or watching something since I'm writing this a day in advance. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

"Bad Luck" Friday

I'm not superstitious about Friday the 13th. Yes, this past Friday was a weird (even terrifying) day from start to finish but I'm not going to say that it's all connected to the day because many consider it unlucky. I'll tell you exactly why I don't believe that it was a "bad luck" day.

When I woke up at 4 a.m. (to help mom request an Uber ride to take her to work; she doesn't know how to use apps on cell phones), my entire body ached in an odd way. I tried to sleep it off with a nap but the achiness was still around when I woke up. I didn't know if it was a cold, the flu, or something else. My body was just not feeling great. Since I wasn't feeling well, I wrestled with the decision to go to the chiropractor. My lawyer's assistant stressed that I should not miss any appointments because it could harm my case. I decided to go. I had to request Uber since I was not feeling well enough to endure the bus ride to and from the chiropractor's office. I got to place, had my therapy, and left.

When I came home, I decided to call my car insurance company because I'd received a bill to pay for the month of December. The customer service rep I talked to asked if I was going to get a new car or repair my current car. Since I didn't know, it was decided that keeping my insurance (for now) would be best. I called my lawyer to inquire about the case since I hadn't heard from them in weeks. It was one month exactly (accident occurred on October 13) so I was curious.

I was unprepared to hear how cold the lawyer sounded when she spoke to me. There was no case. Police had determined that the guy who hit me was at fault (he ran the red light) but he had no actual car insurance. The insurance information he'd given was false; the insurance company confirmed that he had no insurance through them. It looks like my neighbor's information (that the guy had no car insurance or a license) was correct. We think the guy has disappeared since the accident. Driving without insurance (which is illegal) and with a potentially fake license? Few would own up to it. Interestingly enough, right after I got the news, my body stopped aching completely. It was like I'd experienced nothing for most of the morning.

So what does this news mean? Well, that I'm basically, financially hosed. Either I get my car repaired (a mechanic that knew my dad is supposed to come over to assess the costs to get my car fixed) or get a new (used) one. With the high cost of living in L.A., tuition and book fees for grad school, other medical payments that have to be made, a stalled GoFundMe fundraiser, and one steady paycheck coming in (mine depends on the amount of work and/or royalty payments that come in each month) we basically don't have enough to do either. We'll find a way to fix this... but it won't be anytime soon.

After talking to the lawyer (and my mom; I called her to tell her the news), I tried to focus on my Philosophy paper due that night (I received an extension due to the accident). I was close to finishing editing it when I heard about the Paris attacks. While it shocked me, it hit closer to home when a good friend texted me, reminding me that his parents are currently living in a Parisian suburb. Seigneur aie pitié de nous. (Hopefully that's correct; my French is rudimentary.) I spent the next couple of hours keeping track of what was unfolding in Paris. Memories of 9/11 came flooding back. I couldn't believe was what happening. (side note: if you're wondering: I did end up finishing and submitting my paper on time.)

I shed many tears that day. It was just an overall overwhelming day with so many events happening at once. However, at the end of the day I was grateful. On a personal level, I have to dig deep and save up for either car repairs or a new car... but I still have my life and my health. Sure, my kneecap that was hurt in the accident hurts when it's cold but that can be remedied by keeping it warm. The material (car) can be replaced, my life cannot. Also, I did the math and we may actually save a bit more for a couple of months without the car. Surely, that will help bring a bit more financial stability (even if it's short lived) that we need.

I worked my tush off and I turned in a paper that I was proud of. Even if the grade isn't the best (I'm sure there was a lot I left out but the 10 page limit didn't give me enough space to write), I'm proud of myself for still working on despite everything that happened that day. If anything, I feel prepared for whatever the outcome. Either I pass my classes and continue or I don't. Either way, I have plans A, B, and C ready for whatever happens. Can't keep this girl down. :)

What happened in Paris is an atrocity. There's no way around that. There were so many lives lost... but so many more were saved by heroic acts of both civilians (such as the security guard who prevented a suicide bomber from entering the Stade de France) and policemen and women who rescued the hostages that weren't killed at the Bataclan Theater as well as in other places. In the aftermath there was mourning and anger... but also a sense of unity and resilience. I know some of my friends have an issue with me for looking at the bright side, even in horrific events such as this, but I can't help it. I see what happened for what it was -- a senseless act of violence against innocent victims -- but I also see the good that came out of it: an outpour of love and camaraderie that no one can take away. On a personal level, it made me realize just how much I love my family and friends yet how I don't say it enough. I know that they know but I should verbalize it more often. Also, the importance of frequent confession was made more glaringly obvious.

I feel like I can't do much in regards to what happened in Paris, except to pray. To pray for the souls of the victims. To pray for their loved ones. To pray for not only Paris but for the world -- there were earthquakes (Japan and Mexico) and other acts of violence (Beirut and Baghdad) either on the same day or close to the date of Parisian attacks. To pray that nations come together and come up with strategies that will help keep people safe; to prevent this from happening again. To pray for those who will risk their lives to ensure our safety, not just American soldiers but all soldiers in the fight against terrorism. I will remember that God is greater than the evil that exists. It may be hard to understand that -- especially for those who were more directly affected by the events -- but knowing that gives some comfort.

I think I'll end the blog post here but before I do I want to say a couple of things. Let your loved ones know how much they mean to you. Be grateful for all the good that exists, not just in your life but in the world as a whole. Pray. Be charitable. Go to confession. Keep God at the center of your life. In all your actions, try to make decisions that will lead you to Heaven. Be good and do good. I'll be praying for you all.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Romantic Disappointments

I know I'm notoriously private about my love life (friends like to joke that I'll probably be married before they find out there's even a guy in my life) but I've been inspired to write about romantic disappointments because I feel like it's not talked about enough. Yes, we occasionally hear about it from a married blogger but rarely do we hear about it from a still single gal. This is fairly new territory for me so please forgive me if I stumble along the way.

The one thing that stuck out for me last night (when I had this sudden inspiration to write this post) is that, though the disappointment in the romance department stinks, when you leave your vocation up to God, it stings a lot less. Instead of lamenting over what happens (or doesn't happen), I turn to God and thank Him for the learning experience and pray for the other person involved. Now, let me tell you that I would've never gotten to this place if I hadn't had years of learning to do.

I am a little ashamed to admit this but my first experience praying for a significant other (when I was 17) left me not wanting to pray for years. I was a selfish, immature teenager who prayed that a rocky relationship would mend... only to have it end a week later. I was put off. "I prayed for this to get better, not to end!" I griped. I didn't understand that when we pray, we're asking God to please help us with something which may or may not be a part of His will for us. If it's not, our prayers will be answered in ways that we may not want but need. I had been poorly catechized, I was away from the Church, and didn't know or love God the way I do now. Later on, his young man revealed his true colors and he earned the nickname "poopy diaper" (did I mention I was immature at 17?) amongst my friends. Dodged that bullet... but it took me years to realize this.

Fast-forward 6-7 years later... When I was in my early 20s (and in the early days of my reversion), I met a young man who ended up helping me leave my immature ways behind. See, I was terribly selfish in my relationships up until I met him. When I prayed for someone, it was always that I ended up getting what I wanted. "Please let him be for me," I would say. With this young man that I befriended, it changed. 

I knew, early on, that he was open to being called to the priesthood. Though he was not the first guy I'd been interested in who was open to the vocation, he was the first whom I prayed that God would show him his vocation. Instead of "Lord, please let him like me," my prayers became "Lord, please help him figure out what his vocation is supposed to be. If it's with someone else, please bring a good woman into his life. If it's to the priesthood, please guide him. If it's to the single life, please let him see that." It was not about me and my happiness... it became about him and his doing God's will. Not only that, my prayers also became "Please help me figure out my vocation. If I'm meant to marry and have children, please help me learn to be the best wife and mother possible."

My feelings for this young man lasted for about 5 years, on and off. Cue surprise and shock from a majority of my friends (my best friends knew my feelings but not the depths of them which, for obvious reasons, I won't get into). After countless novenas and prayers for him, he finally entered the seminary last year. The day he entered was bittersweet. I was both incredibly proud of him and excited to see him embark on his new journey, yet I couldn't help feeling a little sad.

Was I disappointed that years of feelings ended up the way it did? Honestly? Yes and no. Yes, because I had asked God (for several years) that the feelings I had for him would go away if nothing was to come from them... and they didn't. In fact, I spent an entire evening/night having a "why did You not take these feelings away from me like I had asked? Why make me go through this? Please help me understand what the point of me going through this was..." conversation with God shortly before my friend entered seminary. No, because I knew that he would be discerning the priesthood and because, looking back, I know that it's thanks to him that I was able to mature and, in a way, get closer to God. Isn't that what a good priest does? Inspire those around him to get closer to God? ;) 

I'm grateful for having this experience for several reasons. My feelings for this friend popped up right before my father passed away. I think that helped me have some sort of sense of normalcy and balance in my life when everything else had collapsed around me. (side note: I should state that he is NOT the inspiration for Will in the novels; Will was entirely made up in my mind.) I ended up discerning (and re-discerning) my vocation during this period. It became clear to me that my vocation is of future wife and mama. All those chick flick and Disney-fueled notions of what love was supposed to be were replaced by my love for God (as much as I can love Him with my very limited, human understanding of love) and my understanding of what the vocation of marriage truly is. I've also come to believe that my feelings might've been given to me because my friend needed all the prayers he could get while he discerned entering seminary. He still gets them even though the feelings have gone. ;)

Being practical, I never really allowed myself to envision a relationship with my friend. To quote Jane Austen, "a lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment." I didn't do that. I refused to. Why? Because the disappointment would've hurt more. Recently, I had another disappointment in the relationship department but, having learned to trust God with my vocation, I automatically prayed for the young man and thanked Him for the experience. Again, I refused to think about the "what ifs" and tried to be practical and discern things. It saved me from heartache and I am grateful for it.

I wanted to share this because I feel like there's too many people who a) lament about being single to the point where it drives people crazy, b) who don't pray for their future spouse, and c) who don't trust God with their vocations. I pray for my future husband, whomever he may be, on a regular basis. As I wrote on St. Joseph's feast day, I've learned to let go and trust God with my vocation. While I do feel broody when I see pictures of my friends' babies and while single gal pains do pop up when I get news of engagements and upcoming marriages, I'm also reminded that every romantic disappointment that I've had has led me closer to God... and has prepared me for my future spouse.

One more thing: it's very easy to be fooled by feelings. We may feel like this person may be "it" or "the one" for us, but we have to remember that feelings are fleeting and often deceiving. That's something I've learned through the years. Instead of letting yourself get carried away with whatever feelings may have, pray that God helps you discern them. If you're feeling down about being single, pray for your future spouse. Have feelings for someone? Pray for them, for their vocation, and for yourself and your vocation... but don't let the prayers become "please, let him be for me." Trust God. If something doesn't work out, it's because He has something better in store for you. Yes, so cliché to say but it's cliché for a reason. Yes, the disappointment of failed relationships and crushes is going to stink but it's better to do His will than chase after earthly "happiness" that could pull us away from God.

I don't think I'm going to write something like this again for a long time (hello, notoriously private over here) but I felt inspired to write this while I prayed last night. I hope that it helps at least one person who may be struggling with something similar. OH! And, for the record, I'm not saying that this is how it's supposed to be; I'm sharing my experiences and my thoughts and ideas. I'll get back to y'all after I read Three to Get Married by Ven. Fulton Sheen if need to tweak some of my ideas. ;)

Anyway, that's it for now. My best friend is coming to visit in two weeks so I need to go narrow down the list of things we can do while she's here. Yes, I need two weeks to figure things out. What? L.A. is a big, spread out city and I want to make the most out of the time she's here! ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

10 Boring Facts About Me

I don't do these often but I needed something fun to write today so... thank you, Mary, for tagging/nominating me for this Sunshine Award. The instructions are easy: write 10 pieces of information about yourself. 

LIFE

1. I don't "have a life", okay? lol. My day pretty much consists of (in order):
- getting up at 4:30 a.m.
- dropping mom off at work
- coming home and taking a nap
- getting up from nap
- morning prayers
- having breakfast
- getting ready to go out
- going to do at least 20 minutes of silent prayer in front of the tabernacle
- either errands, cleaning the house, or volunteer work
- picking up mom from work
- coming home for lunch
- spending some time online
- working on novels (or work)
- having dinner
- spending more time writing or editing
- catching up with friends
- nightly prayers
- reading before bed
- bedtime

I will occasionally deviate from that schedule and hang out with friends, or have movie night with Julie, or do something else but that's pretty much what a typical day looks like for me right now. I'm sure things will change once I return to school in May.

2. I'm very much a morning person... and it annoys grumpy morning people. lol. I've been told I need to bottle the energy I have. I may be smiley and I may sing and dance along to music at 4-5 a.m. but come 2-3 p.m., I am wanting a nap. I don't pick up my second wind until about 7 p.m., which is why y'all see me most active online in the mornings and evenings/nights. :)

3. Too much social interaction drains me. Whether it's in person or online, after a while of social interaction I start feeling fatigued. I know it's one of  the downsides of being an introvert. That's why I took a break from Twitter yesterday; I was feeling completely drained at around 6-7 p.m. I love y'all but, seriously, getting bombarded by a ton of messages by so many people at once is a little overwhelming for me. No worries; I took an extra long nap today so I'm ready for y'all today.

LOVE

4. I don't talk about my love life on this blog. Or on Twitter. That comment about Twitter being one big flirt-fest today was my way of saying "please leave me out of it." You little rascals will not suck me into it.

5. My private life is private. I'm sorry but it's one of those off-limits topics. How about we talk about my inability to go a day without music... or about Catholicism and soccer... or how my love of Adoration is becoming an "addiction"? Those topics are so much more interesting.

6. Yes, I felt the need to use up these spaces to get this point across. When I touch on the topic, y'all know it's vague or I share it because it's one of those "I don't see this particular thing discussed in Catholic blogs and it needs to be addressed" things.

7. My massive crush on Tom Hiddleston is all you'll ever get out of me. Just putting it out there in case he ever stumbles across this. Call me. We'll have tea and read Shakespeare together. lol.

WORK

8. I am still freelance writing, but only for H&R Block and Catholic publications. The other companies were terrible so any freelance work y'all see from me will now either be for either of the two I mentioned. I learned, the hard way, that being promised to get paid and actually getting paid for your hard work are two completely different things.

9. I am still working on my novels, which are set to be published this year. The novel sequel ending was just finished yesterday but I still have to flesh out the story a bit more since I only wrote the basics during NaNoWriMo. I'm at 184 pages for the sequel at 237 for the first one. We'll see where they stand after all the editing.

10. I cannot wait until I begin my work as a speech therapist. I get along well with children (because I am a kid at heart) and older adults so I am looking forward to working with both age groups. I have to clock in some hours prior to my graduation next May (2015) and I'm just too excited to get started. This will mean less of a life (haha, what life?!) but I don't mind. :D

And that's it. A little on the boring side but now y'all know some things you didn't know about me. ;)

Anyway, I hope y'all have a great rest of week. As always, thanks for reading God bless! :D

The One in Which I Talk About Love, Romance, and My Future Husband

I know, I'm sort of breaking my rules about not mentioning this side of my personal life (which I guard very closely because I'm a firm believer of not involving other people in your relationships) but you will soon see that I'm still keep my policy of not naming names or getting too into deep about my own personal experiences. It's not just for the blog either. As I've said in the past (and it's still true), friends joke that I will be married and they won't know until I get back from the honeymoon. lol. I wouldn't be surprised if the title of this blog post made some of them read this post, thinking I was finally giving a grand announcement (nyet, y'all). lol.

I'll tell you what inspired this post: rants about Valentine's Day and about single. I am going to be one of the (seemingly) few bloggers who is not going to do that. I actually don't mind being single for Valentine's Day. I didn't even really notice it last year because I was working on my Senior Thesis. I did however make that sweet ladybug on the right that is the picture for this post because my morning class was cancelled for the day and some friends were making them for fun between classes. lol.

I guess I don't mind not having a "Valentine" because I don't just think about romantic love on the day. Yes, it's a day set aside for love and romance but I also think about the love I have for my family, friends, and God (and Mama Mary... and the saints...) In fact, this year a few of us single Catholic gals and I are exchanging cards for the day. We're all in the same boat and while we may not have a special someone (in a romantic sense), it's nice to be receive something from a friend to know that you are loved... even if it's only platonic love. Love comes in so many ways and I think that many of us single folks occasionally forget that.

I don't want you guys to think that I am entirely emotionless; I'm not. I have been told that I have a big heart and I'm definitely a hopeless romantic but I am also very careful with my heart. While being single does feel lonesome at times, and I have occasional moments where I wished that my future husband would stop and ask for directions already (so he can get to where I am, lol), I know that it's all in God's timing. I don't give Him a deadline, even if I do feel the pressure from family and friends to settle.

Do you guys remember that I wrote about a special vocation project a few months ago? Well, I'll tell you what it was/is. In Fall of last year, I decided to write letters to my future husband. Not the "we're going to be like soooo in love" or "well, there's this guy I like; I hope he's you" kind. It's more about my prayers and thoughts for his eyes only. While I may not know who he is yet, I do want the best for him in the meantime. Every night I ask Our Blessed Mother to keep him safe from temptation, lust, and other dangers he may encounter. If we have yet to meet, I hope that when we meet, we'll be able to build our relationship based on honesty, compassion, communication, faith, etc. If we already know each other, I pray that our friendship is strengthened while we figure things out. Like I said, I don't know who he may be but that doesn't mean that I can't pray for him.

To all you single men and women, I'll give you this Valentine's Day challenge: pray for your future spouse. Don't pray "God, just send me my future spouse already! I'm tired of waiting!" Pray that they are kept out of harm. Pray for specific intentions like finding someone who will make you grow in love of Christ or that you find someone who won't mind your crazy screaming during football (soccer) matches in the early morning hours. Okay, that last one will probably just be me. lol. Just pray. We pray for our families, friends, and even strangers' prayer requests, so why not for the person God has in store for you?

If you're single, don't focus on the lack of romantic love. No Debbie Downers. Please. Think about the love you get from your family and friend. Think about the greatest love we've already received. Christ didn't die on the cross because he thought we were simply nifty; he died for our sins because he loved (and still loves) us so much that he was willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of our salvation. Want to do something special for a special someone even though you're single? Thank Him for everything He's given you. See? You do have someone special after all. ;)

Anyway, just wanted to write this. I am sure you've heard this all before but I still wanted to give y'all something to think about (or give a second thought to). :D

That's it for now. I don't know when I'll blog again. I might try this weekend (if I have anything to write). I have my Upper GI x-ray test on Wednesday so I don't know if I'll blog by then but I will definitely let y'all know how it goes. I hope it gives us answers to what's been going on with my stomach these past couple of months. I still say ulcer but shall see. I am optimistic that everything will go well. :)

Oh! If you have prayer requests, send them my way. I heard the thing they make you drink for the Upper GI is gross so I can offer it up. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

2011: The Year This Nerd Fell in Love

One of my best friends, Danica, took this picture earlier this year when she was visiting Los Angeles. By the way, no, that is NOT an engagement ring. That is a claddagh ring that I've worn as a "promise" ring since my 23rd birthday -- as in, I promise to remain chaste in thought and action and this is a reminder that my heart belongs solely to God until the right man comes along. When that man finally shows up, he must be willing to share me with God. ;) That is why I chose this particular version of the claddagh ring: the heart symbolizes my heart, the crown on top of it to remind me of God and how He holds my heart, and the Celtic Trinity knot (triqueta) to remind me of the Holy Trinity. Traditional versions have hands holding the heart instead of the Trinity knot holding the heart in place. :) Just a quick note before I get into the rest of the post. ;D

Last year was the year this nerd grew up. This year was the year that this nerd fell in love. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, let me just clarify that I do not mean romantic love. :) This was the year that I learned to love life again. After having spent most of 2009 and part of 2010 numb following my father's death, I was revived this year. As cheesy as it sounds, everything looked new and fresh... like how you imagine the start of Spring to be like. The cold, the clouds, and depressing state disappears and a new life begins. That is how it was for me. The flowers bloomed, the sky got brighter, and the warmth enveloped me once again. There were new lessons I learned that will stay with me for the rest of my life; lessons that will contribute to making me a better person.

Lent was probably the most significant time for me this year. On Ash Wednesday, my buddy Joe and I got the privilege of getting to chat (very briefly) with our new archbishop, Abp. Jose H. Gomez... and he blessed the Rosary I had just purchased at the Cathedral gift shop for my new car before we left. Pretty cool way to start, if you ask. (side note: I also attended his Installation Mass, which was emotional for me because I feel like it's a new era for us Angelenos; one we truly needed.) While I did not do everything I wanted to do during Lent, I certainly felt the impact what that specific time was all about. I truly celebrated Lent more properly this time around. It was strange because of everything I had experienced the year and a half prior to it. We lost my niece's daughter (my dad's first great grandchild) on St. Patrick's Day. Everything that followed made me appreciate the family I have and made me grateful for what I do have.

In March I bought my first car with the help of my big brother, Pedro. I began taking driving lessons (shout out and a "thanks" to Joe who spent weeks teaching me how to drive before I got a professional to get me ready for the driving test). I got my license in May, weeks before my 26th birthday. A couple of "bucket list" items crossed off my list before your next birthday is not too bad. ;) The fact that I am now a licensed driver and that I have been able to drive on an almost daily basis (though locally) is something I would've only dreamed of a few short years ago. The fact that my anxiety has subsided (though not completely; I still have my moments) enough to be able to drive and that I am able to have that freedom is a huge blessing. It was interesting to see how my friends reacted to the excitement I showed while I was in the process of practicing for my driver's test. I'm sort of a late bloomer when it comes to a lot of things and this was just one of them.

Another thing I'm sort of "late" with: graduating college. Something I accomplished recently: I made the Dean's List at my CINO college. 3.8, baby! :D I worked my tush off for that and I did it without compromising my beliefs which was a miracle. I let the anger I felt towards the place (anger that they openly defied authority and taught us things that hurt our Faith more than anything) go and I decided to "kill" them with kindness and with my own hard work. Of course, it helped that I only had one Religious Studies course in the Fall and that everything else wasn't too bad. I declined an invitation to join a national honor society because I didn't feel right taking it. I also did not want to let it go to my head. I've worked hard in college and knowing that is enough for me. I will continue to work hard next semester and hope that I will finish with the same mentality I have now. I am still unsure if I will pursue a Master of Arts in Theology or Creative Writing but I have loads of time to think about that.

So, did I fall in "love" love? No. I have yet to fall in "love" love. No luck in that department but I'm enjoying this time of preparing myself for my future spouse and of being single. Also, I've been too busy with school and other things so I had no time to date. I did, however, decide to that I am now at a point in my life where I can restart dating so we'll see what happens next year. I am far too independent for my own good so I am glad I've had a chance to get it out of my system while I still can. lol. My time will come when God says it will. And this is probably the closest any of y'all will get to knowing about this part of my life until I marry. lol. Merry (late) Christmas. ;)

So, while I did not fall in love love, I fell in love with life. I have this new-found appreciation for things I had been taking for granted. Yes, I did have a gnarly (I'm from Southern California; we use words like that ;)) throat infection that lasted two and a half months. Yes, I still occasionally have anxiety and panic attacks (though the least amount I've had in years). Yes, I am still unemployed (and not by choice) and mom and I are having the worse financial crisis we've ever had. Yes, I still dislike my school and look forward to the day I graduate. Yes, I still have goals that I wish to achieve and have not had the opportunity to complete yet. In spite of everything, I am truly happy and I love my life. I love that God has shown me the right time to reflect on what's truly important. I love that my relationship with Him has only gotten better. I love that my mom's relationship with Him is stronger as well. She now goes to confession regularly and rarely misses Sunday Mass now -- something that 2-3 years ago would've seemed impossible. I love who I am and who I'm becoming as a get older. I don't think I've ever used the word "love" so much in a single blog post before but, hey, y'all knew I'd be talking about love. ;)

I could go on and on but I think y'all get the gist. I am happy that I've learned to love once again and that I am taking this into the next year. :)

Anyway, this is it for this year. Thank you for sharing yet another year with me. A special thanks to my guest blogger, Andrew, for giving me something good to post when I had writer's block. Thank you to my friends for sticking by me during my crazy moments, especially poor Angelica, Danica, and Delaney who got most of the craziness. lol. My journey is not yet over and I look forward to another year sharing it with y'all. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Romantic Temptations; Baby!

I was thinking about something last night while I tried (unsuccessfully) to fall asleep. I came to the realization that I've had many temptations put in front of me in the past couple of weeks -- more so in the last week. I'll be completely honest -- it's taken A LOT of inner strength and will power not to fall for them. Most of them are centered around one particular subject: Love and Relationships.

In front of me has been placed a handsome young man who is successful, monetarily well off, charismatic, talented, and (on paper) is someone those close to me would like to see me end up with. If I were incredibly shallow and wrote down everything I looked for in a guy (solely based on looks) he'd probably be as close to being my "perfect guy" as anyone could get. He and I have a lot in common as well (down to our birthdays being so close, we could probably have a joint party if we wanted to). I did everything I could to not fall for his charm for the past 3-4 years but lately he's been more charming and more appealing than usual and it's gotten to me -- but not entirely. As I said, on paper he seems like the right guy but when you get past all of that, it's not so good. If I were to give into the temptation of ever having some sort of relationship with him, I would have even more temptations to deal with. To quote a Jamie Cullum song, he "can't even separate love from lust." He's very physical and I am not at all. I'm a hug machine but there's where it ends. lol. Trust me, many guys have tried to see how far they could push me and all have failed because I don't let them pressure/bully me into anything. He also has some vices that will eventually catch up with him and that's a scary thought. As much as I like his personality (his sense of humor almost mirrors mine and we have similar temperaments), I don't like the extra stuff. All of this got me thinking about something. A lot of things that aren't good for you are usually presented to you in a pretty package.

He has to be one of the most handsome men I've ever seen (so much so that I think to myself "Why on earth would he ever look at someone like me?"), but it's all a façade. Underneath his good looks and his charisma is someone who is in some serious trouble. He's strayed so far, it would take a lot of get him back to where he should be. I bet many of you young women have encountered a guy like this at one point or another in your lives. It makes me sad to think about him like this, but that's the reality of it. I'm glad that I've been able to recognize all of this because it makes fighting off the temptation even easier. I still have moments where it seems so easy to stray "just a little..." but even that thought is dangerous to have. I am lucky enough to be able to snap out of it quickly. To allow yourself to "test" yourself around the temptation is dangerous (have I used that word enough?). Thankfully, I've had enough experiences with romantic temptations to know what my limits are and what to do when I am in these situations. I wonder if this is why St. Benedict of Nursia has been popping up in my dreams so often lately. After all, he's one of the patron saints against temptations.

You guys have no need to worry about me in regards to giving into these kinds of temptations. I've already resolved that if any man wants to have a relationship with me, he must have one with God first. My claddagh promise ring will stay on my ring finger until it's replaced with a ring from a guy worthy of a place in my heart. I just wanted to share this with y'all so that you guys know that you're not alone when it comes to these things. Moving on and away from such a heavy topic...

Can I say just how EXCITED I am that my friend Melissa is pregnant with her first child?! Of course, I was the last to find out because I've stunk at keeping up with everyone on Facebook lately. lol. Still, I'm so happy for her. :D She was my best friend when she still lived here in Southern California. I still remember the last time we hung out, the weekend before she got married. I miss her terribly! She's such a great girl! When my paternal grandmother passed away, she was the only one who knew and didn't tell me (at the request of my mother who wanted to be the one to break it to me). When she found out I was told, she drove to my favorite diner, bought me my favorite cookies, and brought them over with a movie and a card. I was incredibly grateful towards her for it. Another friend like her, you won't find. Anyway, congrats to her and her husband! :D

Oh, and while I'm in a celebrating mood... LIVERPOOL WON! Oh, Fernando Torres, you are a BEAUTIFUL man! lol. I think I screamed REALLY loudly when he scored the winning goal. Haha. Though I don't mention my love of Liverpool F.C. as much as I did when I first started my blog, it doesn't mean I still don't love them. :D And on that happy note, I will conclude my post. :D I am going to chat with my little sister Delaney for a little while. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

P.S. Yes, that was me Rebecca was talking about in her blog. I am hopeless when it comes to shopping for dresses. Haha! :D

Dream about the End of the World

I just woke up a little while ago and I decided to write about this dream because I've been having a bunch of really interesting ones and this one has topped most of them.

I had a dream that the end of the world happened. But before that, I was involved with a love triangle. I was in love with a blond guy, whom a certain brown-eyed blond was also in love with. So the dream was her doing all in her power to get him and me just being shy and waiting for him to make his decision. In the end, things were looking up for us and then it was the end of the world. I suddenly saw myself up on a mountain/hill (can't remember whether it was high enough to be considered a mountain) and everything around was a soft red color (almost bordering on a light reddish pink). I started smelling a sweet strawberry-floral scent and I was confused for a second. Then we (my mom, who was at my side) saw people going up the mountain/hill and we decided to follow them... and that's when I knew what was going on. There were people around us -- I remember two young men in particular -- who kept saying that they didn't smell anything or see anything. That's when I realized that those going up to heaven where the only ones who could see and smell what we did. So, we started going up the hill (through what I realized was purgatory) and we were met by my paternal grandmother (who died in 2005, and whom I terribly miss) and my father (don't know where he was but he arrived to meet my grandmother -- his mother -- at the same time as us). So then I told my grandmother to go up with us; my dad also encouraging her to go up with us. She said something of the lines of "of course" and I don't remember if she said she was waiting for us, but I do remember that I had the feeling that she'd stayed behind in purgatory because she was waiting for us to get there so all 4 of us could go up to heaven together. So, my mom linked her arm with mine, I linked my right arm with my grandmother and my grandmother with my father and the four of us walked up to heaven together. Oh our way up, we passed a bishop, and other people, who kept asking what we were doing and why he couldn't see anything we could. That's when I realized that he was being left behind because he'd been corrupt and I immediately felt horrible for him. I was also VERY surprised that I was going to heaven because I've always felt that I was unworthy... and was even more surprised because my parents haven't gone to Mass regularly, or gone to confessions, and was thinking "How did they end up coming up to Heaven with those mortal sins?" (In real life, I should add, I'm trying to get them back to the church -- which I've made my mission).

As soon as we got in Heaven, we were separated according to what our mission was here on earth or what our job was. I was sent to one of the last lines where all the young people who were in the entertainment business (actors, musicians, and especially writers) were. There I saw a lot of people I'd recognized but haven't/hadn't met them in real life. There were a lot of 20-somethings, teens and little kids in the line. I remember the line was in between two aisles of books (looked almost like a library) in that area and getting out a tiny rose colored book of St. Teresa (though I don't remember if it was Avila or of Lisieux). I remember saying I wanted to see St. Teresa because I knew she was in Heaven and had a deep feeling that I wanted to finally meet her. Then I saw the certain blond guy I was in love with sitting at a table with a little blond girl named Lily (which is what I want to name my daughter). I don't know who she was but I had a feeling they were related. So then I heard someone, who was in charge of keeping everyone in line while we waited to fully go in, tell me that a big reason why I'd been sent to heaven without hesitation was because I'd been loved by someone (him) so deeply and honestly and that his love had won me a spot in Heaven. I wanted to be with him but I knew that he would wait longer to get in line even though he would've been in the same one.

So then came inspection to make sure that we were pure enough to go fully in. So they asked if I'd eaten seafood and I told them I'd had some crab a few weeks ago (which, in real life I actually did... and it was good! lol) and at first they were unsure if that would cause problems with the tests but then gave me the go ahead. While I was waiting for my folder to be pulled up (everyone had a file/folder that kept details of everything they'd done when alive), I glanced over to my sweetheart and the person behind the desk saw me and yelled at him to come over. He got up, with Lily, and started walking over just as I was ready to go into the final inspection room (where I was going to get all white clothing). That's when I woke up because my stomach growled and I was hungry.

Talk about an amazing dream! I've had dreams about talking to Pope John Paul II, various priests I don't know in real life, Jesus Christ himself, other saints, etc. Sometimes I wonder why I have these dreams. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind them at all! They are wonderful and often make me realize things I'm having problems with. I wonder if this dream is a sign of what I'm supposed to do -- since I've been so torn about what I should do. I mean, in the dream I was in the line where the young writers were... I was in love with someone who was so humble and selfless who loved me (maybe I'm meant to get married)... my parents had gone up to heaven and I'm starting to that that is another one of my goals in life -- to get them back to the church, just like I've wanted to do. I know we shouldn't read into dreams but it's so hard when I've had such an amazing dream. Never, in a million years, would I have guessed that something like this would've happened to me. It's amazing.

Alright, well, I think this might be today's post. lol. I am taking it easy for the rest of the day (and hopefully sleeping a bit because I am so tired) and don't anticipate doing much. If I do, I might save it up for a post tomorrow -- if I can write one, that is. :D

Okay, we'll I've taken far too much of your time already. Thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Valentine's Day: Love, Romance, and Contradictions.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. I usually refer to this day as "don't fall for the commercial/materialistic part of this holiday" day because that is what it's become. It is no longer about St. Valentine or anything like that. It's awful that there is so much pressure on people to buy their significant others expensive gifts on this particular day. For me, I've never needed a day like today to express the love I feel, and not just for my significant other. Since coming out of my late teens (those horrible, horrible teen years... *shudders*), I've focused this day on my family and friends. This year, I added God, Jesus and the Virgin Mary into that equation. Honestly, Valentine's Day is no longer a day where only the romantic relationships are spotlighted... or, at least, not for me. Spending it doing whatever with my friends (Spa Day with the girls or lunch with the guys) or watching a chick flick with my mom. I hope that no one thinks I'm bashing romance and love between a boyfriend/girlfriend or anything like that. Not at all! I'm just saying, people should really focus on the love for the other people in their lives on this day.

It's sort of weird for me to say all of that because I'm somewhat of a hopeless romantic. I'm a sucker for movies with happy endings. I root for the underdog to get the girl in the end. Most of my music (especially in the jazz and jazz vocal genre) is about romance. When it comes to films, movies, songs, etc... I'm all for the romance and just letting my imagination wander off and I get swept away but it stops there. I definitely do think about all that gushy stuff but I'm still realistic when it comes to my own love life. I've learned to separate fantasy from reality. I'm just a little ball of contradictions, aren't I? lol. I could get deeper into this subject but I like to keep that part of my life as private as possible.

I will say, however, that I've officially outlasted all the female members in my family in the marriage/baby department. I was chatting with my mom earlier today and we realized that I'm the only woman in the family who's made it past the age of 19 without getting married or having a baby. YES! I have also outlasted my brothers as well since I am a few weeks away from my 23rd birthday and once I reach 23 I've done it. I'm actually very proud of that fact. :D Everyone always thought I'd marry young (well, younger) because I was always a romantic at heart, but the older I get, the longer I want to wait. There have been offers but I've declined. I'm in absolutely no rush. :) If, however, I do meet the person I will eventually marry at a young age (and by that I mean before my late 20s) than I will. Right now, I have no plan on settling down until after I've finished my Master's degree and have my career done but that could all change. I have absolutely no control over the future. If I end up getting married before that, then, it was meant to happen. Either way, I will always be happy that I've outlasted everyone (my parents included). :D *does cartwheel to celebrate* :P

Oh, yeah... and last night I had a dream I was dating the R&B singer Chris Brown. SO RANDOM! I don't even listen to his music, I don't know anything about him and I only know his name because I've heard a couple of people talking about him (and he was a presenter at the Grammys last weekend). *shrugs* I also talked to a priest in my dream, defended Eldar Djangirov -- whom I met in the dream -- because I felt he was ROBBED at the Grammys (that stems from my real life reaction; his "Re-imagination" album was brilliant!) and I was also at my mailbox waiting for mail. Crazy dream! lol. I'm used to it, though.

I will not make my blog longer tonight because I am exhausted. That is also why I didn't write one yesterday. I've been sleeping for less than 6 hours every day (4 yesterday) for the past couple of days and I am so tired. Can a girl get a break around here? lol. I am actually planning on going to sleep in a few minutes, despite it being only 8 p.m. I've been sleepy all day and if I don't get my sleep on anytime soon, it will not be pretty. lol.

Alright, well, I hope everyone had a lovely Valentine's Day... even if you don't shate the same sentiments as I do towards the holiday. :D Thanks for reading and God Bless.