It's (Spiritual) War!

If you are following me on twitter, then you probably saw my angry tweets about disrespected in my own home, a couple of hours ago. Many of you had no idea what I was writing about, so I'll tell you. I engaged in somewhat of a spiritual war.

So what exactly happened? Well, it all started when a friend of my mother's mentioned that there were these people, who were not Catholic, who would want to pray for my father in hopes that he gets better. I had no problem with it because, though they aren't of the same religion, who am I to say "No, you can't pray for my father because you're not Catholic."? That would be dumb. If you want to pray, pray. I have friends who are Jewish, Baptists, Protestants, agnostic, etc. and I pray for them, especially when they ask me to. I have no issues with other religions... as long as the people don't trash mine. So, I cleaned up the house and was determined to be a good host. I was in a great mood... until the house guests arrived.

From the minute they set foot in the house, I had a really bad feeling. I tried to shake it off and was cordial when I greeted them. It all started off good, I didn't even say anything when they brought out their Bibles and started "preaching" to us. I am secure enough in my faith that I can listen to others without betraying my own beliefs. Then one of the men started talking about how much he loved his Catholic "brethren" but how we were all misguided and how our religion was a bunch of trash because we "don't really know what the Bible says" and because we "don't know what God's true purpose is for us or for Himself." Evangelist say WHAT?! He had the audacity to come into a Catholic household (and he knew it was Catholic coming in) and then trash our religion. The guy did it to our faces, especially mine, too. Are you flippin' kidding me? If I didn't have self-control and if I wasn't trying, really hard, to continue acting like a lady, I would've given the guy a piece of my mind. So I just stayed quiet, though tweeting at this time, out of respect for my parents. Then he asked my father if he accepted Jesus Christ into his life. My dad, trying to be polite, just nodded. I could understand his apprehension, being Catholic. Then the other guy, his son, started talking about how we were going to hell if we did not accept Jesus in our lives -- according to their beliefs. He used me as an example of someone not accepting God in my life, and therefore, if I'm in a car accident, I won't be saved and I'll be spending eternity in hell. "Oh HECK no!!!!" I thought to myself. That's when the really heavy feeling I had in my chest felt unbearable.

They made my father cry... which made my mother cry. I did not cry. I was too angry to feel anything else. I went off to my room where I thought I was going to have a full blown panic attack. I didn't, thank goodness, but it certainly felt that way. As I said when I started re-telling the ordeal, I had a bad feeling as soon as they got there and that bad feeling felt more and more like a giant elephant was sitting on my chest... and had started to gain weight. I began to pray. That's what I do when I feel angry. I'm usually very mellow and I take things very well but these people pushed all the wrong buttons. It was like the whole situation where my classmate called God a *bleep* in English Lit last Fall semester -- times ten. These guys are lucky that I hate drama, and that I don't want to disrespect my parents by being rude to their guests, 'cause "feisty Emmy" would've come out and I'm very blunt when I'm that upset. I would've used my words carefully but I would've verbally kicked their butts out of my house.

So, as I said, I went into my room, closed the door and began to pray. Mom came into the room twice but I purposely kept myself in prayer because I didn't want to snap at anyone, especially my own mother. The second time she came in, I was kneeling down, under a picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe (the same one that's been with me since I was a little girl) and I was saying "Please, help me calm down. If these people mean no harm, please make me understand that." I guess my mom mentioned that I was praying, and was in the middle of an "Our Father", when the guy apparently took my parents and started praying over them. And it wasn't quiet... it was yelling. He was screaming, probably at my mother, to hold on to him and to not let go of him or God... blah, blah, blah. Look, I appreciate you wanting to pray for my daddy but you will NOT disrespect me in my own home, and then yell at the top of your lungs about how my father's illness should get out of his body (and something about burning)... etc, while I'm trying to pray. Grrr. I started getting dressed up, while still saying "Our Fathers" and "Hail Marys" out loud, trying to drown out the man's yelling, and got ready to leave as soon as they were done. I had the strongest desire to get out of the house asap. I felt like I was trapped. It was horrible. I began asking St. Benedict of Nursia and St. Michael Archangel to get these people out of my house if what they were doing was not good. Soon after that, I heard them starting to leave. After I got upset at my mother for coming into my room and taking money TO PAY THEM, I grabbed my things and I left, telling my parents that I was going out and that I would be coming back "in a little while."

I walked (according to google maps) 0.9 miles, in a rush, to the nearest Catholic Church. I love walking (seriously, just call me Elizabeth Bennett) and I figured that it would help me clear my mind and lower down the unhappy camper feeling I had. I don't like being angry. I loathe it as as I hate lying. Just, ugh. When I got to the parish, I was feeling a bit better. I went to confession and talked to Fr. Peter for a little bit. That alone made me feel a million times better. I prayed a bit before coming back home, and walked that 0.9 miles back home. Though the people are gone, my parents are not happy with me AND there's a weird tension in the house which stinks. These people offended me, made my parents cry, did things short of trying to convert us to their religion, AND left a mess in the house. My feelings are being hurt but, eh, I'm used to that so I can deal with it. Not being able to have the same dynamics with my parents... that I have an issue with. I pray that all the weirdness disappears soon.

After all the effort I've done for my dad... helping him come back to the Church, asking Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati for his intercession, countless prayers and Rosaries said for my dad during his most difficult moments, etc... having him feel angry at me for not being happy about what happened with those people, and not accepting what they did to him, feels like a giant slap in my face. I'm sure that's not correct but that's what I feel. Regardless, I will continue to pray for my dad and do everything I can for him... because he's my dad and, no matter how crummy he treats me, I love him and I want him to feel better. And, considering that he is NOT going to get chemotherapy, he's going to stick it out and let the Lord take him when He wants, I'm going to have to put all differences aside.

If this all seemed like one big rant, I'm sorry. I was just trying to explain things fully to those of you who asked me what was going on. I hope now you understand why I felt the way I did.

I promise that the next blog will be much chipper and less "arghdghjg". :D I'm blessed with the ability to forgive and forget quite easily... and it's rare when I'm upset for longer than a little while. :) Thanks to all those who prayed for my during this "spiritual war" I had going on.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

Good vs. Evil Dreams.

Yes, it's another edition of "What Crazy Dreams is Emmy Having Lately?" I've mentioned several dreams on this blog before. Seriously just search "dreams" in this blog and see how many entries you come up with. I've devoted entire blog posts about them. You'd be surprised how many comments I've gotten about the dream of the end of the world, which I wrote about last year. I haven't written about any lately but I am still having them... but they're now mainly about a struggle between good and evil. I've lost count of how many I've had that has centered on a personal struggle with the devil. Sometimes I have help from saints like St. Benedict of Nursia or St. Teresa of Avila (I believe St. Pio of Pietrelcina also appeared a couple of weeks ago). Lately it's just been myself against evil.

A couple of days ago I had a dream where I made the devil really ticked off for saying the Blessed Virgin Mary's name out loud. I was in the backseat of a car apparently invisible to the driver and front passenger. I knew the driver (she's a former friend) so I didn't really think much until I heard her say that she was planning on doing something to make sure I had an accident/got hurt. As soon as I heard this, I jumped forward and grabbed her forehead and started praying for her. I prayed one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and one Glory Be at first. I noticed she was squirming when I got to the Hail Mary. The second round of prayers, I heard her voice change and her hands shaking. As soon as I got to the Hail Mary and said "Hail Mary, full of grace", I heard a loud grunt followed by a really peeved voice saying "Shut up. Don't say HER name." I replied with a "Oh, yeah? Well. HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE...", continued with the prayer, and kept repeating it until the girl (who apparently was possessed) lay there peacefully. During the prayers, though, I saw the devil who was in agony because I kept saying the Blessed Virgin Mary's name over and over again. He was REALLY mad at me, but I didn't care. I saw that he had talons that kept growing every time I said her name. I don't know why I had the dream, I just did.

That's just an example of a type of dream I've had lately. I've had a couple where St. Benedict of Nursia has physically appeared to protect me in my struggles against Satan. (One sticks out where, I believe, he placed his hand on my shoulder as I kept praying.) If it's not me actively fighting against evil, it's me getting "messages" to help stop two particular things which I can't mention because they aren't suitable for my under 18 readers. I've had two very vivid dreams where I've gotten the message from God (yes, I've dreamt Him specifically saying these things to me) to look at what these things are doing and to do something to help stop it. In one dream, God placed me in a city where there was sin EVERYWHERE. The entire place was red and black. I heard God say (and I'm going to paraphrase) "Look at everything here. This is all unacceptable and very corruptible" and something about helping "making it go away." A few weeks ago, again, I dreamt that I was fighting against someone because they were trying to spread these things to others. All I remember was feeling angry and disgusted, and knowing that God was upset and hurt by everything that was happening. I don't know why I am having these dreams. It could be because, yes, in real life I am completely disgusted by these things, but beyond that I don't know. It's not like I go to bed thinking about these things.

Where did my pleasant dreams of me talking to saints and priests go? I love those dreams. I miss my dreams of holding golden crucifixes, of being in a garden and in an all white Church dome while seeing many saints just walking around, talking to each other. I would love to have more dreams of the Child Jesus smiling and talking to me, or of having the Blessed Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ take turns pull me up and giving me hugs. I don't know what's going on. I do feel like I should really go talk to Fr. Leo about this, though. (Fr. John is no longer at my parish or else I would go to him. He loved my saint dreams. "Better than the movies" he would say.) Does anyone have as many dreams as I do... or as often? I don't know... it's all weird, but sometimes in a cool way. :D

Okay, well, that's it for today. Yes, another fairly short entry. :) I woke up feeling weak today (literally. I feel like I can't even hold myself up properly) so I'm going to try to rest as much as I can. Since it's St. Catherine of Siena's feast day today, I'm going to try to work on my novel a bit today. And, for the record, the female protagonist in the novel is named Catalina ("Lina" for short)... which is the Spanish version of the name Catherine. That was no coincidence. ;)

Hope everyone is doing well and staying healthy. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. Thanks to Claire from Musings of a Twentysomething who has helped me with my mantilla problem. :D I'll let you know if it works for me.

Much Better; Feeling the Love of the Blessed Virgin Mary

I am feeling better today. I missed class yesterday because I woke up feeling very warm (and I was, I checked with a thermometer) and with a headache. Ugh. I honestly like missing class because I feel like I fall more and more behind. There's no way I would've been well in class though. My temperature didn't go down (much) for the rest of the day but at least the headache stopped until about after 1 p.m. But, positive thing, I was able to rest a little (which means faster recovery) and I got to feel closer to our beloved Mother, Mary. :D

I went through a really hard time yesterday morning. I shut the door in my room, knelt down in front of the big Our Lady of Guadalupe and bawled my eyes out. Of course, I also prayed in between sobs. Feeling like crumbs, I somehow found the strength to kneel and stay like that for quite some time. I asked Our Lady to help me understand why some things were said and why I felt the way I did. There was a time when I asked her to please make someone stop saying what they were because it really hurt my feelings, but I ended up changing it to "please help them understand that what that person is saying is very hurtful and doesn't help matters." I honestly felt very alone... and then, a bit later, I had this beautiful feeling like there's no way I'm alone. It's really weird but I felt as though I had our Blessed Virgin Mary there with me. I don't know how many Hail Marys I prayed (I lost count) until I felt better, but I DID feel better.

Every time I go through something where I feel like that -- like I'm alone in this world -- I always pray to her, and to the Lord, to please help me feel like I'm not alone. And every time I ask that of them, I always feel a warmth in my heart that's indescribable. It erases irrational thoughts I have in my head and it makes me feel so much closer to Our Blessed Mother and to Our Lord. It's amazing. I wish I'd started doing this, praying to them, at a earlier age (despite being the youngest of 7, I grew up as if I were an only child)... it would've saved me a lot of heartache. It is definitely something I will teach my (future) children to do. Hopefully they won't stray as I did; though I'm incredibly happy that I found my way back. :D

Alright, well, I'm going to go over my notes for the Philosophy of Logic course because we have a big test due today... then go read Sir Gawain and the Green Knight for British Lit... then try to finish my History of World Religions assignments early... so I can cram for my BIG MIDTERM (oh, how I dread that word) exam for Oceanography. Remember, my Oceanography course crams 16 weeks worth of work into 8 weeks so it's midterm time. *shudders* Prayers to St. Joseph of Cupertino, St. Thomas Aquinas, and St. Dymphna (for my sanity) will be said this entire week. Oh yeah... bring it on! lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Lack of Updates = You Guessed It: Sick Again; Liverpool finally wins!

Okay, so I have about 7 minutes before I complete zonk out (according to reviews on iTunes). I bought this mp3 of nature sounds because I need something soothing to help me sleep (and I need help sleeping) and most people who've reviewed it say it takes about 10 minutes to get so sleep, you immediately fall asleep. I'm in another room as my bed so I will try to not fall asleep at my desk. lol.

Well, lack of updates only means one thing... I'm sick. If I had a nickel for every time I said that, I could pay for my remaining 3 years of college (that includes grad school). Oy. I'm still dizzy from the new glasses prescription, which sucks. I've also got headaches that come and go, ditto with back pain and other types of pains. I will probably be in bed until tomorrow (typical I stay there for 2-3 days) and I hope that's it because I get bored easily. Haha. It's quite sad how much I need to be entertained. I don't think I will last on one of those weekend retreats they have at my school. lol. Still, I will go on one because it'll be good for me. :D So, despite being sick and being in bed most of the day (sleeping and just sitting there, bored)... I did manage to get some things done. Whoo for me being productive for once. Haha. :D

I am so proud of myself for having the control not to flip on the TV to ESPN2 where they were showing the Liverpool FC vs Inter Milan game, which Liverpool won! I had to do an imaginary cartwheel because I couldn't do a real one. I will as soon as I'm well enough to do one though. (side note: it's almost 10 minutes since the mp3 started and I'm already pretty sleepy... very sleepy, actually). I'm so glad the Reds won, especially after losing to a lower league team in the FA Cup. Hopefully this will give them confidence to do well in the remaining Champions League games (whoever many they will get). I would like to add that as soon as I prayed a Hail Mary, Kuyt scored Liverpool's first goal. mmhmmm. I said I was going to pray while 'Pool played and I did. See? I keep what I promised I would do. Tomorrow Celtic is playing against Barcelona and I will be watching that one. I told a friend I would catch a Celtic game next time one was airing on TV and, what do you know -- it's on tomorrow. It's only airing on ESPN Deportes (the Spanish version of ESPN) but I'm fluent in Spanish so no problem. I know Dad's probably going to be rooting for Barcelona because some of his favorite players are on it, so it'll make things interesting around the house... if he's not too knocked out from the chemo (tomorrow is chemo day).

Alright, well, my eye lids are getting heavier and heavier so that must mean the mp3 is working. Man, this mountain stream thing sounds like the real thing. It totally gives me the sense that I'm really there. I love nature (though forget about camping, I don't do that, lol) so, man, this is super peaceful. Okay, I'm definitely hitting the hay in a few. lol. I had this other topic I wanted to write about but I'm so relaxed and zen that my brain isn't thinking straight anymore. My bed is looking pretty freaking awesome right about now. lol. Until next time... thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

The Virgin Mary; Getting Ready for Lent.

On the previous post I wrote about how I'd had a dream where my father had told me to pray to the Virgin Mary. That dream really stuck with me (not the first time I have dream about her, either). Well, today, after I went to confessions I stopped by the table where they have the bulletins and other things. I normally wouldn't do this because the church I went to confessions isn't the one I normally attend mass (I attend mass at a parish a few minutes from my home). For some reason, though, I just gravitated towards the table. Seriously, I don't even remember thinking I wanted to see the bulletins; I just walked over. When I got there, I notice this thing that looked like a booklet with the Virgin Mary's image on it. I thought it was a prayer book (I've seen everything from booklets to prayer cards out for people to take for free) and I was like "Ooh, prayer book. This would be great to take home and read." When I went to open it, I saw that it wasn't a prayer book but the story of St. Catherine Labouré and the Miraculous Medal. Not only that, there was this necklace with a medal inside of it. I looked around at looked at the people, because I thought someone must have left it accidentally, but no one said or did anything. I asked my dad if he thought it was one of the free things the parish sometimes gives away (they've been known to give things like this away) and he said that it must've been because it was amongst the fliers and other things that the parish puts out for people to take home with them. So, I brought it home with me. I'm still worried that it was someone else's and that I've just stolen something unintentionally, but dad says it wouldn't be there if it wasn't meant to be there. And, hey, I checked to see if it belonged to anyone and no one said anything. Also, there was no price on it, so it must've been put out intentionally.

The awesome part about all of that is that when I did penance and was praying the Hail Mary's in front of the tabernacle, I had an image of Mary that looked like the one on the front of the booklet with the medal. I can't even begin to describe this feeling I got when I said my last Hail Mary... it was so peaceful and, as silly as it might sound, I felt like my spirit had been lifted up by her. What I asked God when I prayed, for a sign, seems to have come in the form of me finding the medal. Or, at least that is what I think. I just think it's awesome. I'm going to dedicate a good portion of Lent to praying to Our Mother (that's what I call her) and learning more about different ways she's appeared to saints (like in the form of Our Lady of Guadalupe). I have a feeling that she will be able to help me and to shed light on some things I am worried/thinking about. I'm going to have the medal blessed, hopefully soon, and I'll definitely carry it everywhere with me.

And, with Lent starting in a few days, I've decided to give up one more thing... and for good. I am giving up my superstitions. I know we shouldn't be superstitious but I have a few things I'm careful about so I'm going to get rid of them during Lent. Whoo! And, man, I can't believe Lent is so early this year. I didn't have enough time to prepare myself but I guess I'm more ready this year than I've ever been, which is good. :D

Alright, well, it's nearly 1 in the morning and I have to get up early for mass so... 'til next time, thanks for ready and God bless. :D

Re-evaluating Everything.

It's a bit frustrating to have all my plans up in the air. I had good plans a few weeks ago, then came exciting new plans. Those new plans brought out a side of me I never thought I'd see and it made me very uncomfortable. In the end, I don't know what I am going to do after all. As posted in the previous post, I was so excited about these new plans that had re-surfaced. I had it all planned out. I had a clear vision of it in my mind and I had started to do the research. I also noticed that as soon as I had accepted the newer plans, I had started to not care about certain (important!) things anymore. Worst of all, I started getting thoughts where I started questioning certain things I believed in. Once I realized that, I was thrown into a tailspin. I've been working really hard to get rid of the liberal side of myself (which has been hard as I've grown up surrounded by extremely liberal people) and this new thing had started pulling me back into that state of mind. It's incredibly stressful. On the one hand, I know I am capable of doing the project without compromising my beliefs and actually turning it into something positive. On the other hand, my biggest worry is that I'll be way too weak to actually pull it off and that I'll also do something I will later regret.

Of course, there's more to it. There were a lot of issues that were going to be a problem (which is what I was researching). Differences were going to make things a lot harder. Everything from dating issues (such as premarital sex -- being Catholic and being opposed to it while dating an Agnostic who puts a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect of the relationship) to political/social issues (one person being moderate when it comes to a lot of issues, the other being extremely liberal)... all of that makes life difficult. I was sincerely up for the challenge until I saw that it was going to pull me away from the Church. It might have been little things but even doubting those tiny things makes me extremely nervous.

If this makes no sense, I sincerely apologize. I was talking about working on a screenplay, but the thought of getting into the business and working with people who will try to change me just isn't my cup of tea. I've known (through school and friendships) people who do it for a living and I have absolutely no desire to go through what they do. So, I've axed those "dreams" and will continue writing my novel, as planned.

I had a very strange dream last night where I was asking for the Virgin Mary's help because I'd literally become someone who I didn't recognize. I looked in the mirror and noticed I was, physically, a different person. I remember that once I started praying and kept saying "Hail Mary" over and over, I slowly began looking like myself again. I actually saw myself physically transform back to what I actually look like. Then my father said something about my grandmother and praying for her because she was about to die (in real life, she passed away 3 years ago this March). He also mentioned praying to the Virgin Mary and praying 3 Hail Marys. When I woke up, I felt like I did before all these doubting thoughts came into my mind. I asked God for a sign last night (after this rather... odd... incident I had when I was by myself) as to what to do. After the incident and the dream, I know exactly what I will be doing during Lent (I was still going back and forth between giving up football matches and the internet). So, for Lent, I will be dedicating myself to praying more than I ever have and hopefully I'll get an answer as to what exactly I'm supposed to do with everything that's going on. Not just with the project but with almost everything in my life because everything is in question at the moment.

Alright, well, I am exhausted for some reason (I feel like I haven't slept even though I have) so I will go take a nap and then get back to answer e-mails and comments on facebook. I originally had a post about football (and footballers) planned but it can wait until tomorrow. Liverpool's playing so it'll give me more to write about... especially if they don't screw it up again. lol. Bring on international break!

Anyhoo, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D