Why I (Nearly) Left the Church Recently

My Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati Rosary bracelet.

This is something I'd been holding back on for weeks (that, probably, no one other than 2 people know about) but I think is now the right time to share: there was a point, last month, where I came very close to becoming completely apathetic towards the Church... or, at least, I felt like I was going to leave it. In fact, I was scared that I wouldn't be strong enough to resist the idea of leaving. Before I go into details, I'm going to say I am not blaming any people I will mention in this post. Yes, I'm hurt and it didn't help the situation but I do not blame them for nearly causing the apathy.

This past Lent was rough for me. I got sick (a bad cold after being subjected to freezing -- for L.A. standards -- temperatures in light layers). I accidentally had dairy when I went to Mexico and I spent the next month being physically debilitated because of it. I dealt with the last of the problems I had due to the anemia and everything else. I was racially profiled for the first time in my life. My spiritual life took a big hit, too. I was expecting it as both Advent and Lent are prime times for the enemy to mess with us. However, I wasn't expecting it to hit as intensely as it did.

I was hit with doubt and indecision about almost everything. I felt as if I no longer had any clarity about what God's will was for me and my life. In fact, I had zero plans for my life. I had tanked one of my courses in my SLP program which led to the decision to leave the program and look for a way to pay back my student loans.  I went 4 months without receiving the Eucharist. I tried to go to Mass but obstacles hit me left and right. The anemia and the accidental dairy ingested caused a terrible lightheadedness and physical fatigue that made it impossible for me to safely drive to Mass. Taxi cabs failed to pick me up and take me to Mass without explanation. Last month I experienced three consecutive weekends of what seemed to be physical manifestations of intense spiritual attacks that both holy water blessed this past Epiphany and the medal of St. Benedict helped shorten the effects of, immediately. I won't elaborate more on it beyond that. I will say that it was during those intense three weeks that the apathy threatened to take hold.

During that time, what my former spiritual director said to me (twice!) kept replaying in my mind: that there was no point in me being a Catholic because I stunk at being one. Well, that's what I interpreted. His actual words during our last spiritual direction meeting (in which he kicked me out of his office) were "what's the point?" (in my being Catholic). Direct quote; I wouldn't dare attribute false words to anyone, much less a priest. What was the point of me being a Catholic if I didn't attend Mass regularly? What was the point of me being Catholic if I struggled to concentrate during my time in prayer? What was the point in my being Catholic? These words swirled around in my mind when I tried praying, especially when it was the Rosary or the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I would want to quit praying, wanting to give up, but I powered through the rest of the prayers (with a little help from holy water).

As I've mentioned in the past, I joined a young adult group late last year but I haven't been to many meetings/get-togethers this year. Mostly, it's been because I've been physically unable to. There were also meetings I wasn't told about (that I had no idea were even going on) so I didn't go because I had no idea. They've been nice people... but I've also not felt welcomed. I feel absolutely horrible for saying that (and I promise I'll get to the point of sharing this soon) but it's true. As much as I like the group of people, I feel like I'm excluded from what they do. It's understandable; they've been more active in parish activities (the majority being part of the choir) and they see each other more but it still stinks to feel left out. The kicker was when I contacted one of the members and suggested that we try to help set-up a more frequent carpooling system to outings in which they charged for parking... and a suggestion she, herself, had pitched to the group for that specific outing. She told me to work it out myself because she was too busy to help me for a different Mass event I wasn't even talking about. I felt the heat rush to my face and my ears when I read her response. It had been her idea; I only suggested perhaps setting up something so that the carpooling could begin before the outing (it was going to start at Mass and then end up at a different location) since some of us (I'm not the only one) have transportation issues sometimes. I've seen people (in the group and from the parish in general) ask for rides, so it was a suggestion to help them out. I had a way to get to get to Mass and the outing; it wasn't even for me. Needless to say, between that response, another group member publicly embarrassing me for something I'd say in all seriousness at the last big (read: crowded) meeting I attended and feeling like I wasn't welcomed... I decided to no longer attend group meetings.

All of these things -- what my former spiritual director had said and my experience with the members of the young adult group -- and my inability to go to Mass all contributed to me feeling and thinking that perhaps my former spiritual director was right and that me praying, doing my best (and failing spectacularly when I began doubting myself, especially when it came to my ability to go to Mass regularly), and not finding my place in the Church meant I should throw in the towel. I had these strong thoughts and feelings for almost the entirety of May. Add me feeling as if I didn't know what I was going to do with my life and everything else I mentioned... I was in a bad place.

On a whim (I don't remember if it was inspired by a dream I had that featured him or if he just kept popping up in my mind), I decided to start a Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena on May 1st. I mentioned it to Mom and she also, quite suddenly and without giving it much thought, said she would pray it along with me. I got the novena prayers in Spanish from the Frassati Argentina group for Mom and we prayed for the same things: clarity about my career/vocation (small v) and my health. The spiritual attacks (or what I think were attacks) got worse when I did the novena... but I didn't stop. Though the thoughts persisted that I should leave, remembering Bl. PGF's life story kept me from pulling away. I use to remember his ardent love for the Church. I also remembered how both St. Therese of Lisieux and St. Teresa of Calcutta (Mother Teresa) had moments in which they felt God had abandoned them as well so I kept going. I think I only missed praying the Rosary once and that's because I fell asleep because I felt unwell. Other than that, I don't think I missed either morning or nighttime prayers. Bl. PGF remained in my thoughts (and my heart) as my birthday approached. Whenever I felt like giving up, I would remember him and I tried to fight through the apathy and disappointment.

As silly as it sounds, the moment that I feel was the turning point was when I received my lab results at my second hematologist appointment. To know that my prayers had been answered reduced me to a puddle of tears and gratitude at the hospital (where my hematology appointments occur). I had been slowly gaining weight in the past year but I didn't break past the 124-125 mark (I'm usually between 125 and 128 lbs) and it would occasionally dip back down... until I did the novena. My weight, as I mentioned before, has remained steady and is back to where it was prior to my health issues starting 5 years ago. It took years to get down to the source of my health problems (sans those that are causing low platelets). It was the moment where I went "I suffered through so much... but I can see that God didn't abandon me. He heard my prayers despite my not going to Mass and my failure... and Bl. PGF came through for me in a big way." A day or two after receiving the wonderful news that I was healthier than I had been in years, the rest of my prayers (that were part of my novena to Bl. PGF) were answered.

The weekend before my birthday I returned to confession and Mass for the first time in 2 months. I have not failed to go to either confession or Mass since. On my birthday I got word on something (career related) that I'd been praying about, literally within 5 minutes of my waking up. (side note: totally counting that as a birthday gift from God, lol). I now have a clear(er) path that I will be taking starting this autumn when the next phase begins. I also got inspiration for my third novel, which was scrapped and started over again for the third time but which has stuck. (second side note: I'm glad I started over; this new idea is so much better than the first two I had.)

I feel like myself again. I feel that great love I have towards the Church though I've still struggled with certain things like overindulgence and temptations in recent weeks. As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, my new confessor suggested focusing on my spiritual life this summer which I've been doing. I want to get into my problem with my experience with Ordinary Form Masses vs Latin Masses (and the communities for both) but I'll save that for the next post. Let's just say that I had a big eye-opener regarding this and it's what I'll be working through this summer. For now, I'm just trying to keep my confession and Mass attendance more regular, I want to figure out what I could do to help my concentration problem during prayer time, and I want to kick the bad habits I developed/that returned while I went months without attending Mass. Baby steps... but happy that I didn't leave the Church and grateful for the intercession Bl. PGF helped with.

I bought myself a Rosary bracelet with a medal of Bl. PGF to wear and use (to pray until I get myself the complete Rosary) for my birthday as a reminder of why I'm a big Frassati fangirl. That's what this post's picture is of; the Rosary bracelet. It's already helped me focus when praying the Rosary despite being like twice my width of my wrist, lol.

And before any of you say anything: yes, I know that feelings can trip us up and that we shouldn't pay attention. I also know that even in our darkest moments, God is always there for us. I kept reminding myself of that when I was struggling... but it didn't always help. Sometimes your mind can play tricks on you, just like your heart can. The devil knows how to best kick us when we're already down. Don't you think he knows that the easiest way to get me down is to make me feel unloved and rejected? Hi, I'm an INFP and phlegmatic-sanguine over here; I'm a people person despite being an introvert. I say I'm a social introvert for that very reason -- I like people. Making me feel like I'm rejected by people I admired -- my spiritual director and members of the group which I so wanted to be a part of? He knew how to get to me... but God is greater than him and God knows that my stubbornness (when used for good), my optimism (which did waver for a while), and tenacity are some of my best strengths. He knew that Bl. PGF was the best way to pull me out of that abyss of spiritual dryness and doubt.

I'm sure there were countless prayers that I don't know about, which helped me get through all of this. To those who prayed for me during this time, I want to say a massive "Thank you!" To those who I personally know are struggling through the same thing or something similar, please know I add you into my prayers specifically by (full) name because I understand how difficult going through this is. If you're going through doubts about the Church or anything of the sort, please don't be afraid to talk to someone... or even ask others for prayers. I volunteer to pray and fast for you; just let me know privately. I don't want anyone to go through this... or worse.

Anyway, this -- sharing what happened to me -- had been on my heart since last night and I'm grateful to be able to share it with you. I'm not fully out of the danger area (are any of us?) but I'm in a much, much better place than I was last month. Bl. PGF's feast day is coming up early next month so I'll be reposting the novena prayers (they differ daily) every day on this blog later this month leading up to his feast day (July 4th). I didn't think it was possible but I've become a bigger fan of his (and my mother is a (new) massive fan now that she saw the big changes since we did the novena) and I'm full of gratitude for his intercession. As he would say, "verso l'alto!" ("towards the heights!")

It's getting hot in my home office (it's already in the low 90s and it's only 12:25 p.m.) so I'm going to end this blog post and go migrate to another part of the apartment before I have to go pick up Mom from work.

I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Quick, and Pretty Happy, Dad Update.

*Note: Started this on June 24, finished on June 26*

I have to write this pretty quick because I am making rice pilaf and it's currently simmering on the stove...

So, good news and a little bit of not so good news. As always, first the bad. Dad's digestive system is starting to fail so they've stopped the feeding. He's now receiving his nutrients through IV. Despite that, he's in better spirits. Also, Medicare and MediCal (who I am often fighting with over the phone) have informed us that they will no longer pay his hospital bills. Better news: Yesterday he was alert and well. No longer semi-conscious. It has been the best I've seen him look in a really long time.

Continued: June 26.
Why is that I always write when I'm cooking? lol. Random. Anyway... Well, dad keeps looking better and better though the doctors are giving us really a really grim prognosis. At first they said 2 weeks to 2 months, now they are saying a month to two left to live... but, as both his doctors have said, it's really up to God. I'm still holding out for that miracle. He is doing better, though. Everyone who has seen him over the past week or so can notice a huge improvement. Mom's expecting for us to see him well and then have his health take a sharp decline. I'm not. I'm expecting him to get better.

He's been very alert, slowing regaining his strength. He's walked a little and has been able to sit up, granted in a wheelchair, by himself for a couple of hours. How to know dad's feeling like himself again: He'll tell you you're doing something wrong and then try to correct it himself. lol. Dad's funny that way. :) He's been slowly working himself up to light (semi-solid) food again, too.

I'm not currently at the hospital because they might take him elsewhere and we're waiting until we're sure. As I said a couple of days ago, Medicare and MediCal are refusing to keep paying for his hospital stay so we had to decide to take him either to a hospice or a convalescent hospital (a.k.a. nursing home). We decided on the convalescent hospital for two reasons: 1) if we took him of the hospice, they'd slowly start taking his meds away and we'd only have him for 48-72 hours before he passed, and 2) my mom works at a convalescent hospital so if we take him there (which we will), she'll be able to keep an eye on him. Mom won't be his nurse but she knows who will be. Mom's worked there since before I was born (they've watched me grow up) so they'll take good care of dad there. :) We're hoping he'll just continue to get better and better there.

With Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati's day coming up on July 4th, we're all stepping up in the prayer department. Dad won't let anyone take the prayer card I gave him of Blessed Pier Giorgio away from him. :) I'm going to see if I can have a priest go visit dad this weekend. Don't know if he'd be able to receive the Eucharist (doctors don't want him to eat anything) but it'd still be nice for dad to get Fr. Juan to chat with him again. :)

AH! That reminds me... I'm that much closer to getting my mom back to the Church -- to confess and receive the Eucharist. :D A few days ago when dad was in bad shape, I was started saying a prayer and something popped up in my mind while I was praying... "Ask mom if she'd promise to marry dad through the Church if Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati does this miracle for us." (They only have a civil ceremony and are currently only legally married.) So I talked to her and for the first time since I can remember, she agreed! Again, it's taken me years to try to convince her of this. It made me think that, if dad survives this, maybe what we're going through was something that needed to happen for us to get closer to God. If not, well, we're already closer than we were, which is fantastic. Either way, I'm praying even harder for that miracle because that would be another dream come true for me -- to have both of my parents back at Church and married through it, the way it's supposed to be. That would make my entire year. We'll see. :)

Okay, I need to get back to cooking, cleaning, and then working on the novel... all while I wait to hear whether I can go see dad today or if I have to wait a bit longer for them to decide whether they'll take him today or tomorrow. :)

Thank you all for your continued prayers and for occasionally checking on me through twitter. I greatly appreciate it. :) As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. I'll hopefully write something else, besides updates on my dad, next time. :)

Giveaway Winners; Feminism, Part One.

Note: Started this post two weeks ago but haven't been able to finish and post it until today -- May 28, 2009.

Thank you to all who participated in the St. Dymphna giveaway. If you won, I've already contacted you via Twitter because all the winners entered through Twitter. :D And, to be fair, I'll post the answers.

For the Rosary Chaplet:
1) I've mentioned St. Dymphna MANY times in this blog before. How many entries have I mentioned her name, in one way or another? 34 Entries
2) What was the entry (post) name in which I included scanned photos of a St. Dymphna's prayer card? Go Liverpool!; Anxiety and Catholicism, St. Dymphna (It's the entry most of the google searches landed on prior to the Fr. Alberto Cutié scandal.)
3) Which fellow saint helped St. Dymphna during her escape (and was also martyred with her)? St. Gerebernus

For the Prayer Cards:
1) Where is St. Dymphna originally from? Clogher, Ireland (I'm going to be there very, very soon)
2) Where was she martyred? Gheel, Belgium.
3) What is she the patron saint of (besides anxiety)? Insomnia, Sleepwalking, Mental Health, Epilepsy, Neurological Disorders, Psychologists, Therapists, Possessed People, Princesses, Loss of Parents, Family Happiness, Rape Victims, Incest Victims, Runaways.

Again, congrats to all the winners. :)

While I'm still discussing St. Dymphna, let me just say what a great inspiration she and saints like St. Maria Goretti are for young women. They also, with the other female saints and, of course, our Blessed Virgin Mary are the true defintion of the word "feminist."

I recently wrote an essay for one of my classes on Feminism and the literature during the 1970s Women's Movement. It reminded me of a Women's Studies class I took a few semesters ago. I was at war with my professor who is the common definition of the word feminist. Why were we at war? Because I was very vocal about how some of the things "feminists" are "supposed" to do to show their independence from man were more damaging than helpful. She use to single me out in class and ridicule me for waiting until marriage. I will never forget the first time she asked if anyone was actually still waiting and I was the only one who raised their hand. Jaws dropped. A few girls told me after class that they admired me for doing so and that they would do the same if they could go back in time and change things. Still, from that point on, I was picked on by the prof. Any time a subject like a V-Monologues (which she urged us to go to and which I lost points on for not attending) or anything of that nature would come up, she'd get in her little jab... even if it was a "No offense to Emmy who knows nothing about what we're talking about" or a "Emmy, you have no right to answer this because you've never experienced it."

I hate it when feminists take saints like St. Maria Goretti and criticize her for "wanting" to die instead of letting her attacker have his way with her. I would've done the same thing St. Maria Goretti did. In fact, I have... in a way.

When I was a freshman/sophomore in high school, I attended a public high school. I worked as a counselor's assistant the summer between my freshman and sophomore year doing office work. One day, when the counselors had a meeting, the other counselor's assistant, a young man 4 years older than me, cornered me in the office. Since everyone knew the counselors had afternoon off, no one came in and the guy apparently thought it was a good time "to be alone." I was in no one attracted to him nor did I ever make it seem like I was. As I was re-stacking the papers and pamphlets in the office, he grabbed my arms and pinned me against one of the tables. He told me these things I will not repeat but let's just say I could have slugged him for it if both of my arms weren't being restrained by his hands. I was so disgusted, and frightened, that I found a physical strength I didn't know I had and I pushed him off of me with all the force I was able to get. I may look small in size and age but I pack a wallop. (There have been a few guys who have been on the receiving end of my slaps and sucker punches.) I pushed the guy so hard, he wound up stumbling on the table in back of him. I was ready to punch and kick him when an administrator came in. They did nothing to the guy and the few people I told basically said to forget it because he was so beloved that no one would believe me. I did have two wonderful friends who not only believe me (because they know the kind of person I am), but one of them, a guy, stayed with me at the office for the rest of the summer. I left the school a semester after the incident and it's part of why I got anxiety at 15.

The point of me sharing that is that feminists will take a story like mine, which is NOTHING compared to what happened to St. Maria Goretti or St. Dymphna, and put their own spin on it. I'd probably get props for not letting a man take control of my fate, and standing up for myself. but then the question would come up... if I were in real danger, would I give in to save my life? Or would I do what it takes to preserve my purity? No question, I'd do the same thing both of the saints I've mentioned, as well as others, and fight. This is where feminists would have an issue. I can just hear them now "Don't be stupid. Rape is something you can get over, death isn't." Then they'd probably lecture me on how the Catholic Church has "brainwashed" me into thinking that I shouldn't express my "needs and desires." These type of things I've heard before and each time I feel bad because they just simply don't get it.

Of course, feminists usually advocate being in charge of what one does with their selves. Their argument is usually "I'm taking charge of what happens to my body. I can take care of it." Then they say things that contradict each other. "Pornography is horrible because it objectifies women... but if a woman wants to do it and is control of her body, let her do it. It's her freedom."... "If a woman dresses provocatively, men will objectify her. But, if she wants to dress like that because she wants to feel sexy, then let her. It's her body." Then, there's my all-time favorite (please note the sarcasm) phrase, "If a woman wants to have an abortion, let her. It's her body and she can do what she wants with it." Yes, please let women take the life of an innocent child and completely destroy her body in the process because she doesn't want to have a child. *rolls eyes* I'm actually doing my last essay for my Philosophy/Ethics course on why abortion is morally wrong... which will be the second part to my Feminism posts in the near future. All I will say about this, for now, is that my presentation/essay ends with the phrase "You can keep telling us to keep our rosaries off your ovaries, but your ovaries NEED our rosaries."

If these so-called feminists stopped their whole "Equality for all!" dribble they could see that what they're actually doing is putting women at a greater risk. As much as they'd like to think that women can do EVERYTHING men can do, that's simply not true. Likewise, there are things (like giving birth) that women can do that men can't. We were not designed to do the same things. Even if we take religion out of the equation, it's still be clear that we're not all alike and trying to put this front about how we're supposed to "get out of the backwards teachings of religion and the 'Leave it to Beaver' era" is actually harmful to women. Our minds, souls, and bodies are temples and should be treated as such. "Know you not that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid." (1 Corinthians 6:15)

I will stop this post here because I have to go continue studying for finals... and because I have a second post that I will hopefully post as soon as I finish my finals. I know this post will both shock and upset some of my friends because only a couple of people have known about this. All I have to say about what happened to me is that I forgave the guy for what he attempted to do and I pray for him.

Alright, that's enough stalling. lol. I hope everyone has a good weekend... I hope I do, even though my birthday "curse" has already began to strike. Long story. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)
.

Merging Two Cultures; The Mission Continues; Catholic Blogs.

I interrupt my studying/homework thing for a much needed blog. Okay, so the blog isn't necessarily needed but I need this break for the sake of my sanity. I only have about two more pages to write (or roughly 500 words) and then I am done. So close... so close! lol.

I know it's not Music Monday, but, darn it, I am having music problems... sort of. It's music and cultural problems. First, I have to find a way to merge Mexican folklorico with Spanish flamenco into one dance. How I'm going to do that, I have NO clue. All I know is that if I don't find a way, there's a good chance I will offend either the Mexican or Spanish side of the familia. I've already been advised to just stomp my feet a lot. Haha! Yes, they have that in common but doing too much of that will only make my feet angry at me. I don't even want to think about the music, or even what I'll be wearing. Oy. I'll figure something out.

This is something I have to do quite often, and sometimes it's hard because I think there's still some bad blood between both countries/cultures. If I say I really want to go to Spain (especially for the World Youth Day in two years), but decline an invitation to vacation in Mexico, I get "the look". I want to eat posole but not paella, or vice versa, I get "the look". It doesn't help that when I speak Spanish I don't have an accent... and when I do, the dialect is more Spanish (Castilian) than Mexican. The only safe thing that I can talk about, without offending either, is the religion. Thank goodness both are primarily Catholic (though Spain seems to be more and more secularized than Mexico). I can show my love of St. Teresa of Avila (a Spanish saint) and St. Juan Diego (a Mexican saint) and have everything be fine. I love that there's no religious intolerance between these cultures.

While there are no religious issues between countries, I am still struggling with it in my family. One parent refuses to go to Mass (and even puts up a fight every Saturday I go to confessions and every Sunday I want to go to Mass). The other is a little more willing but I've probably gone to Mass by myself more often than not recently. I even volunteer to go to the Spanish Masses so they can go, but nothing. When I told my mom I was open to a religious vocation, a while back, she was against the idea. I have since then figured out that it is not what the Lord has in store for me, which made her happy. Her reaction, she says, comes from attending a Catholic boarding school and having to deal with "mean nuns" in her childhood. The only people that have had an influence on me have been my mom's Godparents (whom we don't see often), one of my paternal aunts, and my paternal grandmother (may God rest her soul). In fact, I still have a mantilla my grandmother handmade for me before she passed away a few years ago. She used to go to Mass every day with her veil. I remember her wearing them, when she took to take me to Church as little girl. There's something about that that I find absolutely beautiful. I've had a couple of priests ask me how it's possible that I'm so into the faith, while my parents are the opposite. Trust me, I don't know. All I know is that my mission to get my parents back to the Church continues. I've seriously made that my ultimate goal and I won't quit until I get them to come back. And if you know me well enough, you know I'm stubborn enough to get this to happen... eventually. Haha. I only use the "stubborn mode" for good. lol.

I should probably stop writing and get back to my homework. *groan* Just two more pages and I am done for the week. I'll only have one more class to work on (which I can finish in about half an hour) and I will have the weekend free. Whoo! :D Alright, I'm off to watch the Seattle Sounders vs. New York Red Bulls match... while I finish my Speech assignment. Yes, it CAN be done. It's impossible during a Liverpool F.C. match, especially with the amount of screaming, dancing, and celebrating I do (teehee :D), but for all others I can multi-task. :D.

Oh, before I go, I'd like to point out that I have a couple of new Catholic blogs listed. A few were requests and a few were added because I thought they deserved to get more readers; I liked all of them. If you're a St. Jude devotee (like me; he IS my patron saint, after all), St. Jude Novena Blog is a great place to visit. And, Verbum Veritatis (Word Of Truth) is one of my new favorites, as well. If I have yet to add yours, please let me know. I want to help y'all get more readers. :)

I'm stalling, aren't I? Okay, I'll shut up now. lol. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
.

Changes on Blog; Register to Vote!

Semi-quick blog tonight because I have an appointment at the optometrist. My eyes are getting worse. I can't even see properly with either glasses or contacts anymore. I made it through an hour and about 10 minutes (leaving a bit early) of my English Lit class because my head and eyes were seriously aching. On the bright side, my group's pretty much ready for the presentation in that classes; we just have to rehearse. Is it bad that I'm looking forward to dressing up one of the guys in the group as a girl? Hey, it's Shakespeare and it's historically accurate (not to mention hilarious). Teehee. lol.

I changed the blog template as well as removed some widgets. I also added some new links and things. After 10 months of the same thing, I needed to change it a bit. I'll hopefully personalize (change) the template even more when I have time to work on it. I think the simplicity of this new one. Whoo! :D

I do not normally discuss politics because I try to avoid conflict and arguments. I will say that I am about to change my political party. I registered (on the day of my 18th birth date, no less) as a Democrat because both of my parents are Democrats. Of course, since coming back to the Church and really learning about the Dems and the Republicans, I decided I needed to change my affiliation. Man, a lot of change going on today, eh? lol. Anyway, I've decided to register as not having a political party. Yes, you can do that. Well, at least in California you can. I don't agree with much of the liberal points of the view in the Democratic party, but I also dislike some Republican points of view (especially when it comes to discrimination against illegal immigrants -- don't get me started on that topic!). Remaining neutral is best. When it comes to nominating the NEXT candidate for president in another 4 years, I might re-register if I feel strongly about a candidate.

One more thing... I stumbled on this video of Eduardo Verastegui urging voters to make the right decision this coming presidential election. It's in Spanish but it has subtitles for those of you who don't speak or understand Spanish. (Thank goodness my parents raised me bilingual!)


Makes you think, doesn't it? I'm going to get A LOT of grief from some of my friends for what I just posted but I needed to. I don't even want to think what they'd say if they knew how I was voting on the California Prop 8. If you know about the proposition, it doesn't take much to guess how I'm voting. I have some friends who aren't Catholic, or even Christian, so we don't see eye to eye on issues like these. In fact, I've lost two close friends because I'm against things (like birth control and abortion) that they are in favor of. Yes, seriously.

And... funny thing, I received this in the mail while writing the blog. (Love the coincidence.) :D

From Journey of a Catholic Nerd Writer

Alright, well I must go. Keep your fingers crossed that my eyesight won't stay this crummy... or get worse! Nope, I'm gonna be optimistic. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
.

Gregorian Chant; Pure Love Club; Application to Date Daughter.

I've been listening to A LOT of Gregorian chant music in the form of "The Catholic Mass" album by the Brotherhood of St. Gregory and Sisters of Mercy. I've also been listening to songs from the "Chant - Music For the Soul" album that the Cistercian Monks of Stift Heiligenkreuz released. If you haven't heard of the story of how the they (Cistercian Monks) got a record deal, you should totally check it out. And, you can learn more about them at their site (Stift Heiligenkreuz). I've linked it to the English translation for you guys. :D I remember reading about them around the time it the record deal happened and I was so happy to hear of it. There isn't enough of this beautiful music... at least, that's my opinion. There's something so... I don't know how to describe it except saying "beautiful", about it. It centers me, especially when I'm praying. I'm the type of person who CANNOT concentrate unless there's some background noise. Well, okay, the only time I love total silence is when I'm praying. Otherwise, I need some music or something. I've found that Gregorian chant actually works better than classical or cool jazz (yes, jazz music is cool but I mean the sub-genre "cool jazz") for me. If you've never tried using the music when you want to relax or even to help you get in the mood for prayer, I strongly suggest you try it! :D

Another thing I suggest you check out is this website called Pure Love Club. The website has all these wonderful features to help people stay pure and chaste. They have a great Chastity Q&A that covers all topics that you could possibly think of, including the Morality of Birth Control, How to Stay Pure, Dating, and Vocations. I really liked this website, from the first time I visited it, because I think it's important that young Catholics really get informed on these topics. There's so much propaganda about things that the Church frowns on (ie birth control, abortion, etc) in the mainstream that it's easy to get mislead. So, please, take a moment to check it out. I think you'll like it. :D

And... one more thing I think you guys will get a kick out of. My "little sister" DJ sent me this a few months ago and I think it's something we young women should have copies of (and young men should be prepared for). It's called "The Application to Date my Daughter" and it's super awesome. Let me tell you, even guys have gotten a kick out of it. :D Just click the following link to download the file that contains the application. (I uploaded it myself). http://www.sendspace.com/file/bbf2f8

That is all for today. I want to go watch the "Therese" dvd I got from Netflix. I've heard many great things about the film so I can't wait! I hope they do St. Therese of Lisieux and her life justice!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
.

Decisions and Changes.

If you had the choice to attend a school where you were comfortable at and would be receiving a great amount to attend, but knew you would struggle to stay morally and spiritually right, would you stay? If you had the alternative of attending another school where you would have a hard time in terms of financial aid and stress, but knew that you would be able to stay on the right path, would you rather go there? These were the questions that I had/have to deal with.

I was excited about attending school A (where I was comfortable) but I was noticing that, though I tried to stay as righteous as I could, I would struggle. In the first 2 days that I went to my courses at school A, I was very surprised at how quickly I'd fallen back into the routine I had when I first attended said school. This was prior to my coming back to the Church. I swore like a sailor (and I'm ashamed of that). It was a lot easier for me to say the Lord's name in vain (even though I didn't really think about doing it). I think that's what the problem was... I didn't think my actions through before I did them. I caught myself MANY TIMES coming very close to saying the Lord's name in vain this past week. All unintentionally but, ugh, I hate doing that. Thankfully, I was able to stop myself. I saw myself going back to the way I was and I refuse to be that person again. I've worked very hard to get where I am now. Not only that, I simply don't want to offend God in any way, shape, or form. I have too much love and respect for Him and the Church to do that. That meant I had to do the hard thing and leave a place of comfort to go somewhere I would be humbled.

Last night, I dropped all my courses and decided to go back to school B where I was at last fall. Everyone's pretty shocked that I did this because I've always said that I completely disliked school B but I feel like it's for the best. I will have financial aid issues with school B but I would rather get little to no financial aid than to compromise my beliefs and turn myself back to who I was then. At school A, I would be taking my Philosophy and Religious Studies courses with mostly ultra-liberal professors (with the exception of the Philosophy of Religion class I was taking). At school B, I am more free to express my beliefs about God and about faith without the professors penalizing me for it. And, at school B I know that I can stay on the path that I was going down on, which is a path of prayer, without it being such an issue like it was at school A. I don't think I ever swore/cursed at any point when I attend school B.

The argument that I could be at either school and just really work hard at not straying has come up in my mind. I completely agree... but I also think that I'm still learning how to stay on the right path. I'm very strong willed and all but there are some things I still need to work on and going to school A would just set me back.

I see it this way -- for example: Let's say you're completely bored and want to go see a movie. Film A (which represent school A) is a very mature rated R movie that you could go watch for free, and you'll even get free popcorn and a drink. You know it would be bad for you because of the content but you say to yourself that it's just a movie; no big deal. You'll just cover your eyes during certain scenes. Now, let's say Film B (school B) is a tame, rated G movie that you have to pay your last $20 to see. You know that you'll be broke if you see it but know that the content won't be unsuitable. With Film A, you can try to cover your eyes but there's always the temptation and the possibility of watching the icky scenes in a moment of weakness. With Film B, yes, you'll be broke but you won't feel guilty afterward and won't have to go to confession for it. Which would you choose? Hopefully, Film B... which is what I did. I would rather have to work hard physically and mentally to keep myself ahead (and basically be broke) than to work hard to keep myself spiritually and morally right with many temptations around. It's easier to fall in situation/film/school A than it is in B.

So, now I will have yet another first day of school when I return to school B next Wednesday. I already have my courses set, and I've spoken to professors who have vowed to help me out (I have an amazing English Lit professor) in case I need it. I'm armed with my Rosary and novena so I am not going to stress out, and am surprisingly anxiety and stress free -- SERIOUSLY!, because I have faith that God will help me if I truly need it. This is yet another one of those obstacles that I have to get through to become a better person.

Okay, I think I've bored y'all enough with my little situation. lol. I hope to have time to write quite a bit soon. I STILL have a blog I'm planning so keep your eyes out for it.

I will be praying for of all you who are going back to school. Anyone else counting down the days 'til Christmas break? I already am. Hahaha. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
.

Music, Soccer, and St. Maria Goretti.

I have missed playing my guitar! It's been months since I last picked it up and I truly miss it. A few days ago, a melody I'd never heard just randomly popped into my head. I repeated it a couple of times but chalked it up to a fluke because I haven't written a song in years -- since I was 18-19 to be exact. I've forgotten the melodies but have the lyrics in my mind. Typical writer, eh? lol. This morning, my favorite cousin (who I call my brother because he's more like a brother than my actual brothers) came over to visit -- which is always awesome because he's the best bro a girl could have. Anyway, I asked him how the kids were and he said that my niece had taken up piano, my eldest nephew was following in my footsteps by taking the guitar, and that the youngest wants to be a drummer. Not only that, bro said that my first guitar (which he's own since January 2007; I upgraded my acoustic) will be passed down to my nephew as soon as he can play it (it's too big for him at the moment). I felt very happy and proud to hear that. I come from a musical family. I'm the only musician (and I use that term loosely when describing myself) out of my siblings, though I have cousins who are actual musicians (and they actually have careers in the Latin market). It's great that the younger generation has started getting into the tradition at such a young age. If I do decide to start creating music again, it will be nothing like I have done before. I'm no longer in a Fiona Apple phase like I was at 18 (think of her album "When the Pawn..." and, in particular, the song "Love Ridden" to get the idea). Oh... I just remembered that I will have to build up my calluses again... ick. Oh well. As long as I get to make music again, I won't care. :D

One thing I don't have to ponder about... my love of soccer. Today was a BIG day for me in terms of soccer because my two favorite national teams, England and the United States, played a friendly against each other. As you can imagine, I did not root for one side to win -- I was cheering them both on! I was happy England won but I'm sad the U.S. lost. I'm stoked that Gerrard got a goal (he's quite possibly my favorite footballer/soccer player of all), especially since it's just 2 days before his birthday, but I'm bummed that Donovan didn't get his 100th cap because of an injury. What a weird situation but I enjoyed every minute of it. lol. Of course. I'm looking forward to next week's friendly -- U.S. vs Spain. Oh man, how I wish I could go to Spain for that game! I would've loved to have gone to London for today's game (and was actually planning on it before the darn recession dried up my savings account) as well. Well, good luck to the U.S. next game. I'm going to HOPEFULLY see the U.S. against Barbados in person in a few days. Plans are tentative. I have to see if I can blackmail a certain male friend of mine into going with me because I don't want to go by myself. lol. I'm kidding about the blackmailing but I will definitely have to work on him because I doubt he'll want to go. Well, too bad. lol. ;)

Yesterday I wrote about how I'd felt a strong connection to St. Maria Goretti. It's very true. It's been slowly building up for a few months but recently it's really hit me. It's not quite as strong as the connection I feel with the Blessed Virgin Mary or even with St. Teresa of Avila (I'm still amazed at the things I have in common with her), but it's there. I've watched a program on EWTN en Español about her life and it got me thinking about a lot of things. I recently read something about how feminists have an issue with St. Maria Goretti, as well as other martyrs of purity, because they represent sexism in the Catholic Church... as well as the importance of sexual abstinence over lust and premarital sex. I'm sorry, since when it being purity something bad? I didn't know we all had to be as oversexed as modern society seems to be. Oh wait... we DON'T have to! In fact, it's written in black and white that abstinence until marriage is the way to go as said by the Lord. Hmm... listening to God's word or listening to a society that's immoral... Gee, tough call! (and yes, I did just use sarcasm. lol). I am going to prepare myself for a fight because I KNOW this will come up at some point in my college career. I've already taken a Women's Studies course but I might take another and I want to be prepared to defend her as well as others who value purity over peer pressure. Bring it on, professors! And I know if my former Women's Studies professor were to read this, we would get into an argument. After all, she did call me a prude and make several jabs at me for being pure when I took her class.

Alright, well, I think that's enough torture of your eyes for tonight. lol. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
.

Re-evaluating Everything.

It's a bit frustrating to have all my plans up in the air. I had good plans a few weeks ago, then came exciting new plans. Those new plans brought out a side of me I never thought I'd see and it made me very uncomfortable. In the end, I don't know what I am going to do after all. As posted in the previous post, I was so excited about these new plans that had re-surfaced. I had it all planned out. I had a clear vision of it in my mind and I had started to do the research. I also noticed that as soon as I had accepted the newer plans, I had started to not care about certain (important!) things anymore. Worst of all, I started getting thoughts where I started questioning certain things I believed in. Once I realized that, I was thrown into a tailspin. I've been working really hard to get rid of the liberal side of myself (which has been hard as I've grown up surrounded by extremely liberal people) and this new thing had started pulling me back into that state of mind. It's incredibly stressful. On the one hand, I know I am capable of doing the project without compromising my beliefs and actually turning it into something positive. On the other hand, my biggest worry is that I'll be way too weak to actually pull it off and that I'll also do something I will later regret.

Of course, there's more to it. There were a lot of issues that were going to be a problem (which is what I was researching). Differences were going to make things a lot harder. Everything from dating issues (such as premarital sex -- being Catholic and being opposed to it while dating an Agnostic who puts a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect of the relationship) to political/social issues (one person being moderate when it comes to a lot of issues, the other being extremely liberal)... all of that makes life difficult. I was sincerely up for the challenge until I saw that it was going to pull me away from the Church. It might have been little things but even doubting those tiny things makes me extremely nervous.

If this makes no sense, I sincerely apologize. I was talking about working on a screenplay, but the thought of getting into the business and working with people who will try to change me just isn't my cup of tea. I've known (through school and friendships) people who do it for a living and I have absolutely no desire to go through what they do. So, I've axed those "dreams" and will continue writing my novel, as planned.

I had a very strange dream last night where I was asking for the Virgin Mary's help because I'd literally become someone who I didn't recognize. I looked in the mirror and noticed I was, physically, a different person. I remember that once I started praying and kept saying "Hail Mary" over and over, I slowly began looking like myself again. I actually saw myself physically transform back to what I actually look like. Then my father said something about my grandmother and praying for her because she was about to die (in real life, she passed away 3 years ago this March). He also mentioned praying to the Virgin Mary and praying 3 Hail Marys. When I woke up, I felt like I did before all these doubting thoughts came into my mind. I asked God for a sign last night (after this rather... odd... incident I had when I was by myself) as to what to do. After the incident and the dream, I know exactly what I will be doing during Lent (I was still going back and forth between giving up football matches and the internet). So, for Lent, I will be dedicating myself to praying more than I ever have and hopefully I'll get an answer as to what exactly I'm supposed to do with everything that's going on. Not just with the project but with almost everything in my life because everything is in question at the moment.

Alright, well, I am exhausted for some reason (I feel like I haven't slept even though I have) so I will go take a nap and then get back to answer e-mails and comments on facebook. I originally had a post about football (and footballers) planned but it can wait until tomorrow. Liverpool's playing so it'll give me more to write about... especially if they don't screw it up again. lol. Bring on international break!

Anyhoo, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D