Impatience and My Plans vs God's Plans

Happy traditional feast of St. Benedict! I finished the novena for his intercession last night... but I won't tell you what I asked for until a bit later. ;)

Obviously, this "daily blogging" thing isn't going to work out this Lent. Boo! I really wanted to do it but God seems to have other plans for me, a theme that has been recurring for me these past 2 weeks. Well, longer than that but it's been more obvious lately. I make plans and God seems to have other plans for me... and that's perfectly fine.

I have plans to do all my work early in the week... other (slightly more important) things pop up, causing me to not write a single thing until the due date. Thankfully, I know what I'm going to write; I just need to find the time to write and submit the posts.

I have plans to blog... I end up not even touching my laptop for a couple of days due to all the things that pop up. Thankfully, I don't think anyone actually minds so I'm good.

I have plans to attend Mass on Monday afternoon... and I end up going to Mass Tuesday evening. Not that I minded; I ended up going on St. Joseph's feast day with good friends!

I plan to go to the library to return a book on Sts. Louis, Zelie, and Therese... and I'm met with lightning and thunder, forcing me back home until the following day. Yes, I paid the fine for being a day late, too. It ended up working out for me since I got to read more of the book.

I plan on getting a certain ingredient for something I'm craving... and I can't find it anywhere. Oh well. I ended up getting something else with more iron and other vitamins and will probably be better for me in the long run.

All of these are good reminders that my plans are never as good as God's plans for me. I've seen it before, several times. The most dramatic was me not being able to attend university in England as was planned, not knowing that my father would be diagnosed with cancer for a second time... and not knowing he would pass away from it.

Another costly example was me feeling that God was calling me down a certain career path and me, very obstinately, saying, "But God, I/my family needs X, Y, Z and I can't see how going down that path is going to help so I'm going to do A and/or B." I'm literally paying for that terrible mistake (read: student loans).

I'm currently struggling with having patience and trusting God in two areas of my life: where I am to become a Benedictine oblate and with the pangs of loneliness.

I've been discerning becoming a Benedictine oblate for over a year now and it's not really going anywhere. It's very frustrating, especially since I've never been more certain that this is what I'm meant to do. I talked to a priest I very much trust on the feast of St. Joseph (of all days!) and he agreed that it would be best for me to attach myself to a more traditional Benedictine monastery. That meant I had to discard the possibility of discerning with the monastery within the  L.A. archdiocese... and keep waiting to hear from one of the monasteries I've reached out to in the past year. One is within the U.S. and two are abroad. That means traveling... but I just don't know where I'm headed. It's hard to stay stagnant when you're sure of something...

... which is also how I've been feeling about my (large v) vocation. I'm the first to joke about being single and to admit that I'm actually pretty content being single but it's changed a bit recently. I'm sure it's because it's Lent but I've been feeling that pang of loneliness quite intensely these past two weeks. I feel like I'm stuck and I can't move forward no matter how much I try (and, trust me, I've tried despite my dislike of dating). I know it's all about God's timing but my human nature is feeling the ache and it's been weighing heavily on my heart, especially today. I'm sure reading about the lives of Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin this week didn't help very much. Not that I blame them -- they gave me major "relationship goals" -- but it's so hard to see (or read about) those who've been able to grow, spiritually, thanks to their taking their vocations seriously.

Is anyone else feeling the impatience of waiting for whatever God has in store for you more acutely during Lent? It doesn't even have to be a discernment to a third order or waiting for your future spouse. It can be waiting for a job promotion, for a child, or news on something important to you. If so, let me know (you don't have to tell me what it's you're waiting for) and I'll add you to my prayers list.

Anyway, just a quick little blog about my struggles so far this Lent. It seems like it's going to quite the "Lent-y Lent," doesn't it? lol. Oh! And please don't send me a cliche "trust God" and "all in His own timing" comment because 1) yes, I know, 2) I'm trying, very, very hard and 3) it actually makes me feel worse, not better.

I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Why Can't I Find My Place in the Church?

I briefly mention this topic in the last post because it's been a major stumbling block on my quest to attend Mass more often to keep myself from becoming apathetic towards the Church. Again, I'm going to add the disclaimer that I may mention people (not by name, of course) but I'm not blaming them.

Since last year, I've been trying to attend more Latin Masses because it's where I feel more connected to God and more at peace. I'm fairly positive that if I counted, I'll see that I've been to more Extraordinary Form Masses than Ordinary Form Masses in the past year. I've been veiling (or, at the very least, keeping my head covered with berets and hats) for years. In fact, the last gift my father gave me (not counting the ultimate gift of his return to the Church the day before my 24th birthday) was a veil from Mexico... 8 years ago. I obviously started veiling before that so, you know, I'm not new at this. lol.

I love the reverence of the Latin Mass. I love that we all seem to be more focused on the Holy Sacrifice than in Ordinary Form Masses. I know some people's spiritual lives thrive more with the inclusion of the entire community during OF Masses (i.e. holding hands during the Lord's Prayer and the sign of peace) but it's not for me. I wasn't a fan even when I was a little girl. You can even ask my mom and she'll confirm it for you. I don't like how it seems to disrupt the focus (and purpose) of the Mass and it makes it easier for people to get distracted for the rest of the Mass. I've always loved focusing on what the priest was doing; on how he was celebrating Mass and feeling that I was a part of something greater than myself. This also started way before I even did my First Communion when I was 8. I love the significance of veiling and, on a more practical level, I love that the veil literally blocks all distractions within my peripheral vision and it helps me keep my eyes on the altar.

Latin Mass is the answer to my prayers... except that I still get lost during the Mass. lol. I have yet to buy myself a missal because they're expensive and I have a lot of expenses every week. L.A. is an expensive city to live in and we mostly live paycheck to paycheck so I have to save up for things that are not immediate necessities. I'm guessing that my being fluent in Spanish makes it a little easier to follow along but I still get hopelessly lost at times. Don't get me started on how I botch up Latin because my brain automatically switches to the Spanish pronunciation of letters and words. lol. I'm still getting used to it and I think I simply need to attend more Masses (and have a really, really patient person explain things to me) before I'm completely comfortable going to them.

Now, I'm not saying Ordinary Form Masses are terrible. It's what I grew up attending. I was baptized, made my First Communion, and was confirmed (in that order) in OF Masses. It's familiar and I can follow along because it's in a language I understand (for both English and Spanish Masses). I know many wonderful, holy priests who don't do Extraordinary Form Masses and their homilies are top notch. Still, overall, most OF Masses are not my cup of tea. I've been to some solemn OF Masses but there are always elements of this form that I'm not thrilled with. As I've mentioned, I'm not a fan of the hand-holding or the sign of peace. The music is... well, also not my cup of tea. I'm really sorry, music ministers, but once the guitar, bass, and/or drums get introduced, my focus and concentration are gone because it makes me feel like I'm at a concert or show rather than a Mass. Again, this is just what it seems to me. I know it helps other people but it distracts me more than it helps me personally. Don't even get me started on when they start projecting things on the sides of the altar or the clapping people do during Mass. To quote my beloved Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, "Wherever applause breaks out in the liturgy because of some human achievement, it is a sure sign that the essence of liturgy has totally disappeared and been replaced by a kind of religious entertainment."

During my struggle with spiritual dryness/spiritual attacks, I noticed that I felt like I couldn't (and still can't) find "my place" with the Church... including with Masses. As you could probably deduce from this post, I prefer Latin Masses. However, not being able to follow doesn't help and sometimes I get really self-conscious asking someone for help because, well, I've had a bad experience with people who attend Latin Masses. I've gotten the "ugh, what a stupid question" vibe when questions do get asked and, let's be real, no one wants to feel like a total dunce. I've also gotten the "ugh, you're doing it wrong" vibe when I try to figure things out. Not everyone is like this, of course. I've met some really lovely people within the local Latin Mass community but I've yet to really get to know them well so I don't feel part of it. I obviously feel a greater sense of community at OF Masses. Not counting the judgmental looks when I've received when veiling, people tend to be more welcoming and, in my experience, are easier to get to know. That's one of the things I miss most of our former parish; knowing the people and being able to talk to them before and after Mass. I don't go to Mass to socialize, obviously, but it would be nice to know some of the people and know that you're surrounded by like-minded folks.

I love veiling and the Latin Mass - *gasp* too traditional! I prefer wearing skirts and dresses but I still like the comfort and, as someone who is active and grew up playing sports, like the coverage pants and shorts provide - *gasp* what an immodesty! Some people assume that I'm single because, like many of my Millennial peers, I like my independence and am too career oriented - *gasp* too modern! When they find out I'd prefer to be a stay-at-home mom and homeschool my future kids - *gasp* too traditional and anti-feminist to boot! I'm still single not because I want to be but because it seems to be God's will for me at the moment. It's not get started on my taste in music and films because it gets worse; I'm either too traditional/too much of a prude or too modern/liberal for that, too!

My point in all of this is that, despite the advantages and disadvantages of both, I feel like I haven't found my place in the Church. When you add the fact that I'm a single 32-year-old young woman with zero prospects (despite feeling calling to marriage) and that there seems to be no solid support system for us over-25 singles within either community, I feel like I'm on the outskirts of the Church. Why isn't there something for us singles who are in this stage of life because it's clearly not our time yet and not because we've actively chosen it? It would help us to have some sort of support.

I can't win, even though I really don't want to "win" anything. My goal is to get to heaven and help those God have placed in my life do the same thing. As I mentioned in the previous post, I'm very much a people person and feeling like I can't find a community to which I belong makes me feel dejected and, in turn, it makes it harder for me to nourish my spiritual life. Yes, I'm still very much an introvert but I'm also a social being (hence my saying that I'm a social introvert; it's an actual thing if you want to Google it if you don't believe me). I guess I just need to find that happy medium -- preferably a community that likes attending Latin Masses but won't judge me for occasionally wearing pants and shorts, liking the things I do, and that would be to pray for me (and other over-25 singles) as I wait for the next phase of my life to begin. Does such a community exist?

This post was just scratching the surface. There are so many layers that I didn't get into because we would be here all day. Again, I'm not blaming people for my feeling like I'm on the fringes of the Church and like I can't find a solid community in which I can feel like I belong. It's just my own thing that I have to work through this summer. It hasn't helped that I've spent the last 5 years (or longer if you count the years in which my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't leave the house) sick and that it's made it harder for me to try to socialize or get to Masses that don't make me cringe. We also don't live in a great neighborhood so I try to be home before it gets too dark and most of the socializing events happen late, especially after the 7 p.m. Latin Mass on Sundays. If there was a Latin Mass that both Mom and I could attend on Sundays that wasn't so late, it would be easier and perhaps I could find more likeminded people. Before you locals suggest it, no, we can't make it to the 10 a.m. Mass at St. Felipe or the noon Mass at St. Therese because Mom works on Sundays until after both Masses are over and all other Masses are too far for me to drive (I don't ever drive on the freeways).

If you're feeling particularly charitable today, please feel free to donate to the FSSP LA building fund so that they can get their parish quicker and more Latin Masses can be offered throughout the day. People like me, with limited transportation and other options, that love Latin Masses would appreciate it. The priests are fantastic and I have a feeling they'll help establish a great community that is very much needed in L.A.

Alright, that's it for now. It's already 97 degrees at 25 minutes to 1 p.m. and my hands and feet are already suffering from being in hottest part of our apartment (my home office is west-facing with no shade from anything). I hope those of you who will be in cities/towns over 85 degrees stay cool!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

 

When Your Mom Constantly Drops the "H" Word

You know your birthday is coming up soon when your mother constantly drops the "h" word. What "h" word? Husband. "I wish you would get married." "Who cares about me? You get married and have children!"

I love my mom. I really do. She's sacrificed a lot so that I could get an education and have a good life despite growing up (and still living in) a high-crime neighborhood. She's worked hard to keep me on the right path. Advice hasn't always been the best but she tries because she cares. That being said... I wish she would stop telling me to get married and have children because it doesn't help.

Those of us in our late 20s (think 25 and up) and 30s and even 40s get enough grief from the world as it is. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me why I'm not married, told me that my biological clock is ticking, or pitied me for being single at 30, I'd have enough money to pay off my student loans and fund working towards a PhD if I wanted one (spoiler: I don't.) Yes, I'm 30 and unmarried. Yes, I'll be turning 31 on the 30th of this month (11 days away but who's counting?). No, there are no current prospects. Yes, I'm perfectly happy with how things are.

I've been very fortunate to have my point of view regarding my singlehood challenged (in a good way) recently and it's helped me with the "ache of loneliness" (as I've heard Jackie Francois Angel call it before). As I've written before (and won't rehash), I've entrusted my singlehood to the Immaculate Heart of Mary and my loneliness to God. Earlier this year I mentioned how I'd decided to date myself. It went well. lol. I definitely learned a lot about myself and it helped ease some of my fears regarding the vocation of marriage. I don't feel like I need to discern my vocation any longer (despite well meaning people trying to push me towards the religious life) because I've never been as sure about anything I've discerned before. If you say "well, you can't discern without someone to discern with..." Trust me, I've discerned to the point where I know this is what God wants me to do. I just haven't found the guy to live out my vocation with yet. And, yes, this is my way of saying there's been someone in my life whom I seriously considered the vocation with but it didn't work out. Surprise to almost everyone since I don't talk about this with almost anyone. lol.

A few weeks ago I came to the realization that I've done all I can in regards to putting my part and and my effort into furthering my vocation up to this point. I've figured out what things I needed to personally work on and I've worked hard on them (though I'm sure some of these things will be lifelong projects). I've prepared myself in every way that I can by myself. I can't think of anything else I can do so I'm just not going to do anything. While I've always placed things in God's hands and have reminded myself that it's all in His time, not mine, I had left things entirely in His hands... as in, I didn't put in any effort on my end. I changed that and made an effort. Nothing has worked out thus far so I quit. Yes, you read that right: I quit. Cue Mom revving up her comments on getting me married off. lol.

I'm not saying that I quit making an effort. I'm not saying that I quit with the dream of getting married. I'm saying that I quit trying to make things happen because I've unconsciously let the comments get to me. Unknowingly to me, I was almost pushing myself to trying to please others, in a way. I pushed myself beyond my boundaries to try to meet someone so people would get off my back about being single. As uncomfortable as some of it was, it was good because I learned a lot about myself... including the fact that I don't like certain things (e.g. online dating). Though I've prided (ruh-oh) myself on being an independent woman, the comments really did -- and still do! -- get to me.

Unless you're single beyond your mid-late 20s, you don't know how much it sucks to have people constantly reminding you that you're by yourself. Even the most content person in their singlehood will eventually feel low because of the comments. Honestly, most days I'm perfectly fine with the fact that I'm still single at 30. I'm grateful to have the chance to continue my education and do something I love. I'm grateful to be able to rest and nap when the anemia kicks my tush. I'm grateful to be a little selfish and to take care of myself because I neglected that for so many years. I'm thankful to be able to do things I missed out on doing in my late teens and early 20s because I was helping take care of my dad. I feel like I'm getting a belated chance to experience some selfishness before a fella and a family become my priorities. Getting it out of my system is great because I grew up as if I was an only child (older half-siblings are still practically nonexistent in my life) so I have selfish tendencies. I'm still growing and it's wonderful. This time in my life is further preparing me for the future.

Do I long for a husband and children? Of course. I love babies and I love love. I love the domestic life... probably more than I should. lol. I love take care of people. I love cooking. I love cleaning. I love doing things that I will be doing as a wife and mother. 98% of the time I'm perfectly happy with waiting because I know that God's plans for me are greater than my own plans for myself. If waiting means that I'll be an "older" bride, so be it. But it's that 2% of the time that still hurts. The comments make me think "will I run out of time before I can get a chance to have biological children?" New fears and doubts pop up.

If you have friends who are still single and over 25, please don't constantly mention their singlehood. Unless they ask, please don't try to set them up. (side note: I'm shooting my friends serious stares at this point; I hate being set up.) Please don't make "subtle" comments about the fact that they're single / would be a good mother (or father) / should discern other vocations. Don't even ask to pray for their vocation; just do it. Pray for them and their future spouse.

If you're a parent of someone who is still single and are reading this, while we appreciate you wanting to see us happily settled, I think most of us would rather you pray for us and our future spouses than have comments made about our singlehood. Even if we don't find about it, your prayers would greatly help us in ways that only God knows we need.

For the tl;dr crowd: some of us have accepted that we will be single for a while (even if we don't want to be) and are content with where we are and what we're doing in our lives in the meantime... but that doesn't mean that the comments about our current state in life don't affect us. The more sensitive the person is and the bigger their desire for a family, the more demoralizing the comments will be. Please just pray for us and our future spouses. If we get excited about furthering our education or career or having a list of things we want to do so we're not just waiting for our other halves, feel free to get excited for/with us. Some of us (like myself) aren't sitting around, waiting for our future spouse to come along. We have other things going on and not just things to pass the time until we get married. That's okay. We're not broken in any way. Only God knows why some of us marry a little older than others. How about we all just thank God that we older single people take marriage more seriously in a culture where divorce is even sometimes glamorized?

Anyway, sorry for this sort of rant but it was building up and I needed to let it out because I feel like I have this conversation way too often with fellow single people.

I'm pretty much caught up with my coursework so I may blog again tomorrow. We shall see where the writer's block is and how the time management works out for me. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

To All the Single Ladies Who Hate Being Single

I feel very blessed to have amazing friends in my life; friends who help me grow as a person. This fact came up (again) while Julie and I were having another movie marathon. Without divulging anything we talked about (because it's no one's business ;D), I realized that my friendship with her has made me mature in a lot of ways... especially my way of thinking about the vocation of marriage and motherhood.

As a single young woman, it's so easy to fantasize about married life. A loving husband, at least one adorable baby, and your own family and home. It's so easy to plan a future wedding... to give your future children names... to think of how you'd decorate your house, etc. Some young women think that getting married will solve whatever problems they are experiencing; that by getting married you're automatically experiencing a better life. I've never been married so I can't comment with certainty about whether life "gets better" after marriage but I am going to guess that life is just simply different when you're single versus when you are married. The struggles are different in both states of life. 

I've noticed a growing trend of "ugh, I just want to get married" and "ugh, I just want a baby" amongst single young women, especially those over the age of about 24. I wonder if the fantasies about what we think married life will be (versus what it is actually like) contribute to it. Our married friends are blessed to be living out their vocations but that doesn't mean that they have it any easier than we do. Sure, married life is awesome... but it doesn't mean it's going to be a smooth ride. The bumps in the road will help you two grow together. Sure, babies are adorable... but changing diapers and worrying when they get sick isn't fun.

As I said before, I have been incredibly blessed to have friends who help me grow as a person. I have seen myself learn to throw away any silly notions about what marriage and motherhood are like from my amazing friends (especially Jules, Kendra, and Kiera with whom I'm closest to). I have seen the struggles and worries (especially when the babies get sick), as well as the joys and blessings they have received through their vocations. It's made me appreciate my own vocation of future wife and mother and I think (and hope) I can go into it knowing the difference between what to expect based on idealistic fantasies and blessed (truly blessed) reality.

Single ladies, this is not me saying that your ways of feeling are invalid. I've been on the "ugh, I just want to get settled" end of the spectrum before as well. I don't think many single young women stop to think about the blessings we have in our single state. When you're single, you make your own decisions that mostly affect only you. We have the luxury of being selfish more often than not... and by that I mean little things like being able to sleep more than our married gal friends. Yes, married life will be wonderful in a completely different way and I personally look forward to living it one day, but I am also going to be grateful for all I have as a single young woman at the present.

Stop for a second and think about this: bemoaning about being single... what does that accomplish? I'm serious. Take a moment or two to think about it. I don't know about you but I can't personally think of anything good that comes out of the "ugh, married couples make me sick." All it's going to do is make you even more aware of how much you hate being single... which is going to either make you angry or depress you. Basically, it's all downhill from those negative comments. 

Again, not saying that those comments are invalid; your feelings are your own. I'm just giving you another option in how you can look at things. Personally, as soon as I got out of that "can future husband just show up?!" mentality, I began to appreciate life even more... and it greatly helped in my relationship with God. Sure, I still want to get married and have a family but it'll all come in God's time, not my own. There is a reason why I'm going to be a little older when I get married and have my babies (than most of my friends) but God knows what He's doing and why His plans for me are better than anything I can come up with. And, seriously, I've come to realize that there was no way I was ready for marriage and children in my younger years because I had to deal with my father having cancer, his eventual death, my own anxiety and panic disorder (which, thank God, has been more under control these past couple of months), and a number of other things. If I'm entirely honest, I feel like I'm just beginning to arrive at a place where I'm maybe ready for it. All in God's time. Keep your heads up, single ladies... our time will come. :)

Anyway, I just felt the need to write this out after both movie night with Jules as well as the aftermath of my Valentine's Day tweet. I wasn't planning on blogging so soon but, hey, when inspiration hits, it hits. :D

Now I'm off to do... something. I have a couple of free hours and I haven't figured out what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll just watch paint dry. lol.

I hope you are all having a good week thus far. I'll be praying for y'all. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

The One in Which I Talk About Love, Romance, and My Future Husband

I know, I'm sort of breaking my rules about not mentioning this side of my personal life (which I guard very closely because I'm a firm believer of not involving other people in your relationships) but you will soon see that I'm still keep my policy of not naming names or getting too into deep about my own personal experiences. It's not just for the blog either. As I've said in the past (and it's still true), friends joke that I will be married and they won't know until I get back from the honeymoon. lol. I wouldn't be surprised if the title of this blog post made some of them read this post, thinking I was finally giving a grand announcement (nyet, y'all). lol.

I'll tell you what inspired this post: rants about Valentine's Day and about single. I am going to be one of the (seemingly) few bloggers who is not going to do that. I actually don't mind being single for Valentine's Day. I didn't even really notice it last year because I was working on my Senior Thesis. I did however make that sweet ladybug on the right that is the picture for this post because my morning class was cancelled for the day and some friends were making them for fun between classes. lol.

I guess I don't mind not having a "Valentine" because I don't just think about romantic love on the day. Yes, it's a day set aside for love and romance but I also think about the love I have for my family, friends, and God (and Mama Mary... and the saints...) In fact, this year a few of us single Catholic gals and I are exchanging cards for the day. We're all in the same boat and while we may not have a special someone (in a romantic sense), it's nice to be receive something from a friend to know that you are loved... even if it's only platonic love. Love comes in so many ways and I think that many of us single folks occasionally forget that.

I don't want you guys to think that I am entirely emotionless; I'm not. I have been told that I have a big heart and I'm definitely a hopeless romantic but I am also very careful with my heart. While being single does feel lonesome at times, and I have occasional moments where I wished that my future husband would stop and ask for directions already (so he can get to where I am, lol), I know that it's all in God's timing. I don't give Him a deadline, even if I do feel the pressure from family and friends to settle.

Do you guys remember that I wrote about a special vocation project a few months ago? Well, I'll tell you what it was/is. In Fall of last year, I decided to write letters to my future husband. Not the "we're going to be like soooo in love" or "well, there's this guy I like; I hope he's you" kind. It's more about my prayers and thoughts for his eyes only. While I may not know who he is yet, I do want the best for him in the meantime. Every night I ask Our Blessed Mother to keep him safe from temptation, lust, and other dangers he may encounter. If we have yet to meet, I hope that when we meet, we'll be able to build our relationship based on honesty, compassion, communication, faith, etc. If we already know each other, I pray that our friendship is strengthened while we figure things out. Like I said, I don't know who he may be but that doesn't mean that I can't pray for him.

To all you single men and women, I'll give you this Valentine's Day challenge: pray for your future spouse. Don't pray "God, just send me my future spouse already! I'm tired of waiting!" Pray that they are kept out of harm. Pray for specific intentions like finding someone who will make you grow in love of Christ or that you find someone who won't mind your crazy screaming during football (soccer) matches in the early morning hours. Okay, that last one will probably just be me. lol. Just pray. We pray for our families, friends, and even strangers' prayer requests, so why not for the person God has in store for you?

If you're single, don't focus on the lack of romantic love. No Debbie Downers. Please. Think about the love you get from your family and friend. Think about the greatest love we've already received. Christ didn't die on the cross because he thought we were simply nifty; he died for our sins because he loved (and still loves) us so much that he was willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of our salvation. Want to do something special for a special someone even though you're single? Thank Him for everything He's given you. See? You do have someone special after all. ;)

Anyway, just wanted to write this. I am sure you've heard this all before but I still wanted to give y'all something to think about (or give a second thought to). :D

That's it for now. I don't know when I'll blog again. I might try this weekend (if I have anything to write). I have my Upper GI x-ray test on Wednesday so I don't know if I'll blog by then but I will definitely let y'all know how it goes. I hope it gives us answers to what's been going on with my stomach these past couple of months. I still say ulcer but shall see. I am optimistic that everything will go well. :)

Oh! If you have prayer requests, send them my way. I heard the thing they make you drink for the Upper GI is gross so I can offer it up. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

I'm Single So My Life Is Worthless

For the record, the title was not meant to be taken seriously. Like, at all. ;)

I've had a really BAD anxiety day so I have nothing good to post. Because of this, I've decided to post another one of my favorite Blimey Cow videos along with a challenge.

Having a mother that has her Mrs. Bennet moments (on an almost daily basis) and having acquaintances who bemoan the fact that they're single and how their biological clock is ticking... when they're younger than I am... made me appreciate this video. One of my best friends and I have running inside jokes about the whole situation (being single with no hurry of finding a guy or getting married immediately despite feeling pressured by people around us) and a lot of what we say is contained in this video.



As Jordan said, being single can be fun. So, single #cathsorority gals, here is my challenge for some of you: make a list of everything you want to accomplish before God sends the right guy your way... and do it. Want to finish your degree? Do it. Want to start a career? Do it. Want to focus on bettering yourself so that when the right guy comes along and you decide the settle down you'll be ready? Please do it. Also, don't forget to write down how you want to better your spiritual life. Got that list written? Good. I should now put this disclaimer: the right guy may come along before you complete your list but that's okay. The whole point of your time "finding yourself" is that you don't become obsessed with finding the right guy RIGHT NOW because that could be very dangerous. Trust me... I've seen it happen to good people.

Now, here's another idea: pray for your future spouse. I don't do this as often as I should but I do it when I remember. My prayer is simple: "please, Lord, let my future husband get to know and love You while I do the same. Let us both be chaste in our words and actions and may we find each other when You feel that we're both ready." My prayer is not always the same but that's the gist of how many of them begin. After you pray for him, focus on the only man in your life; the Big Man Upstairs. Your solo time with God is precious and I am willing to bet that spending time with Him will help you in your future relationships.

I love you gals which is why I am saying this. I'm not criticizing you; I'm only wanting what's best for you and I felt compelled to write this... especially after watching this video. So, PLEASE no more trying to hurry me or try to make me feel bad for being single. No setting me up with guys you think are perfect for me, especially if you only know me a little bit from talking online. I'm not naming names but y'all know who you are. I'm just figuring out what I want so please back off a bit. Thanks. :D

Now... any challenge takers? ;)

My Vocation Discernment Hasn't Been Easy

I think my prayers, along with the prayers of those who wanted to help me figure out what I was going through earlier in the week (the vocation thoughts) were answered. I also want to thank Kerri, Joe of Verbum Veritatis, and Claire of Musings of a Twentysomething for letting me talk about what was going on in my head. It was a big help. (P.S. Joe is also going through his discernment process, though for the priesthood (whoo!) so please pray for him as well.) As some of my friends noticed, I was not myself during this time.

As I said in the past couple of posts, the whole thing had really done a number in my head and had begun to disrupt my prayer life. I was upset about the whole thing, though I'd always been very accepting of what God wanted my vocation to be. I've knelt in from of the Tabernacle several times and told God that I'd do whatever he wanted me to do... and meant it. Every time I've done it, I've been sure that my vocation had been that of a wife and mother. I felt it in my heart that it was what I was meant to be. The thought that it was really the single life and that I'd been deceiving myself was what really upset me. Luckily though, I'm no longer upset over it... and not only because I'm once again sure that I'm meant to be married.

So how did the single vocation thought go away? It actually happened while writing my last blog. I wrote "It literally just dawned on me that all these thoughts and doubts could've just been put into my head because the enemy wants me to abandon my prayer life and wants me to be angry at something I love so dearly." Once I wrote that and really thought about it, I felt a huge wave of relief... like I'd just stumbled unto the answer I'd been looking for. That's not to say that it was a relief because I'd get my selfish wish of picking what vocation I most wanted, but because it explained why I'd gotten all this anger out of nowhere and at Church, after confessions, of all places... and why there was something that wanted me to get mad at God (which, luckily, I didn't.) Not only that, I became REALLY happy. It was like "HA! God, you've helped me figure it out! Thank you for giving me the strength to not do something stupid like blame You for this." This was actually what I talked to my friends about. I'd been so confused; I wasn't acting or sounding like myself and it was all just so frustrating. It was honestly unlike anything I'd ever felt before. The outcome of this is peace in my heart and an even stronger passion for prayer and for devoting myself to God.

A twitter friend brought up something about what I'd written about my vocation discernment. I'll repeat some of the same things I said to her here. My vocation discernment isn't something I've done on a whim. It's not "go with your gut instinct" or "do what you want most." I've spent years doing it; praying about what my discernment might be and doing what I believe God wants me to do. I've talked to Fr. Leo and Fr. Stan about this. Actually Fr. Leo, and later on Fr. Stan, helped me realized that I wasn't meant out for the religious vocation, though I actually really wanted to be a sister/nun. When I was a little girl, as young as 5-6 years old, I would say that I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. It all appealed to me. I had even gotten into an argument with my mother about a year and a half ago regard it. I'd told her that if it was what God wanted, I would do it; that I was sorry that she disliked the vocation for me but that I'd do what I was meant to do.

My vocation discernment journey hasn't been easy. I've been thrown a lot of obstacles on the way. The realization that I was meant to be a wife and mommy someday came to me very slowly. If you'd asked me a few years ago, even as recent as 4-5 years ago, I would've told you that I didn't want kids. I've always loved kids but I didn't want any of my own. (side note: This was all prior to me returning to the Church.) I didn't want kids and I'd tell my friends that they'd be crazy if they thought I would want more than 1 if someday I did. I had other plans for my life: I wanted to be a wedding planner, eventually marry, and that was it. There were no plans to have children. Once I returned to the Church and started learning about Catholicism all over again, and really exploring my religion in a way I hadn't before I'd "left", it all changed for me. At the time, I still didn't think I would be a mom and the religious life was something I wanted. I fell in love with the faith and with my newfound prayer life. Nothing appealed more to me than to completely devote myself to God. I talked to Fr. Leo first and he suggested I wait to make up my mind; to pray about it. So I did... and slowly I began to realize what my vocation truly was while I began to get very excited about the prospect of being a mother someday. I prayed about it, many times in front of the Tabernacle and/or in Church, and I just knew that this was what God wanted me to do. I accepted it and I had been on this path ever since. And for the record, I'm not saying it'll be like this for everyone. The process is completely different for everyone. Like St. Therese of Lisieux, some people know their vocations at an earlier age than others. For some it's easier than others. The important thing is to never be upset with God and to never cease praying.

As I wrote a couple of entries ago, I recently decided to slightly modify what I would do with my life while I waited to get married and start a family and I couldn't be happier with this decision. It's already changed who I am, for the better, and I think my friends could see it by just looking at me. I have this huge smile that I can't wipe off my face. I do silly dances more often than not. I thank God for everything, including the whole single vocation curve ball I endured for a couple of days. I now have slightly more "selfish" plans for myself. My more longterm goals are to finish my degree. More immediate plans include starting a little "garden" I can keep within the confines of my apartment and doing things, like taking dance classes, for myself. I also want to learn how to make more dishes since my mother has declared that she hates cooking and baking. Luckily, I love cooking so I won't mind. Who knows, I might even attempt to become a chef some day; the sky's the limit when it comes to my dreams and plans. :D Of course, I will try to do everything with God in mind. Cooking and baking classes? I could put those skills to use by making food for the homeless. The dance class? I could help out an elementary school's after school program to keep kids off the streets by volunteering to teach dance. My garden? I could grow flowers and give them to patients at hospitals who don't get visitors. That's what makes me so happy about all of this; I'm doing things I love AND finding ways to help others. Thank you, Lord, for helping me with this. I give Him all credit for this happiness I feel. :D

Alright, well, I think that's about it for now. I've written too much again... as usual. Sorry. lol. I'm going to go tango dance for a little while (VERY little since I'm now running late.) Is it possible to tango in a classy way that's not provocative? That's what I'm about to find out. :D

I hope everyone had a great week. Once again, thank you so much for your prayers for me. God certainly listened. And, please, never hesitate to ask me to pray for you. I'd be more than happy to do it. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Fighting Vocation Rethought; Music Monday

I cannot get the vocation rethought out of my head today. It's actually taking a bit of time that I should be using to get homework done. Yes, we've already got assigned tasks on the first day of classes. As my Philosophy professor said this morning, "Welcome to college!" lol. Anyway, I'm even more confused than ever on what I should do and it's starting to take a toll on me, spiritually.

I once again feel, deep down, like I'm meant for the married vocation but I still have that nagging feeling like maybe not. It's doing quite a number in my head. I've had a number of people who know me tell me they think I've make a good wife and mother (and a couple of those people are guy friends of mine), especially since I've already ruled out the religious vocation which some people felt I should've "done." Unfortunately, we don't get to decide these things. If I had it my way, I would be a wife and mother in a couple of years, after I finished college and established my career. If a couple of my "trad" Catholic friends had their way, I'd be a religious sister/nun (you guys know who you are). If you had a chance to peek into my mind, you wouldn't make sense of ANYTHING in there at the moment. I'm stressed about school already (thank the lack of financial aid for that), I'm still getting over my "anger"/frustration that accompanies the mourning process, etc. As reluctant as I am to admit this... I acknowledge that I'm still getting over all the disappointment, and a bit of anger, I recently felt due to things that were uncovered about a person whom I deeply loved. Even thinking about it makes me tear up, that's how fresh it still is. All of these things make me sometimes wonder if the thoughts about the single vocation aren't just an "attractive" option because of everything I've recently gone through. Honestly, even when I thought about the religious life, I always felt like I was meant to be married. I sobbed endlessly when my father's death hit me because of thought that I wouldn't have him to walk me down the aisle if/when my wedding day arrived.

I've thought about the single vocation, and I honestly don't know if I would be able to handle it. Though I'm fiercely independent (I actually enjoy working for my own money and paying for my things with my hard earned money) and could probably survive on my own, there's something that... I don't know... makes me cringe and uncomfortable about it. I'm not saying it's horrible and that I pity those who are meant for that vocation; I just don't know if it's for me. Again, it's not up to me, I've already told God that if it's my vocation, I won't fight it as much as I'd probably want to. And do I want to. Right now I want to cry and fight the feeling that I'm meant for this vocation... and I don't know if it because it's in my very nature to "rebel" against what I feel I'm being forced to do because it's my meant vocation or because, even though I'm not meant for it, I feel like I would be force to choose this to spare my mother's feelings. Again, I never felt this way until my mom kept bringing up marriage often followed by "I don't know what I'd do on my own." Yes, I had single vocation thoughts before all of this, but I never gave me second thoughts. I was so sure of my vocation until recently. Ugh! I'm sounding like a broken record, aren't I?

What I hate more about this is that it's causing me to lose my prayer life. I don't know where it's coming from. I just don't want to pray though I still do and fight against this apathetic, yet rebellious, feeling. It could be that I don't want this vocation so badly that I don't want my prayers answered or it could be the enemy putting all these thoughts into my head and thus making me a nutty nerd. It literally just dawned on me that all these thoughts and doubts could've just been put into my head because the enemy wants me to abandon my prayer life and wants me to be angry at something I love so dearly. If I ever needed St. Therese of Lisieux's intercession and one of her roses, it's now... or very soon; before I go absolutely batty. If y'all could please pray for me, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I think I'm going to go pray for a little while, after I finish a couple of quick things for my online/distance-education courses which start today. I want to get all the things that have deadlines before I can focus on my own internal struggle.

Oh, and since this is the first Music Monday, in a while, that I've posted anything... here's this week's song. I've mentioned Celtic Thunder a lot recently so I thought that one of the songs by a member of the group was appropriate. I've chosen the cover of "Castles in the Air" sung by C.T.'s Keith Harkin. (P.S. Celtic Thunder is made of 5 vocalists who do their own songs as well as group songs.) I think it's a beautiful rendition of the song and is currently my favorite song.



Okay, I'm off to tackle Biological Psychology and Interpersonal Communication before prayers and a quick nap (in that order). I hope everyone that returned to school today had a great day (better than mine; long story, lol)... and that those who went to school near the fires are/were safe! May St. Florian keep all the firefighters safe during this difficult time (and crazy heatwave).

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

Epiphany at Church: Married or Single Vocation?

I love when things "randomly" click together, especially when I'm at Church for Mass. It actually happens more often when I go to Mass by myself than when I go with someone. Since my mom worked today, I had to go by my lonesome. Last Sunday I ended up missing Mass because my ride (actually a transportation service in L.A. which I am qualified for) failed to pick me up and then by the time they were going to send someone, it was too late for Mass. Argh, these people. :( Anyway, I was glad that I was picked up (late, but better than nothing) and that I was able to get there in time to get confessed before Mass.

So, why didn't I go yesterday? I did... and we didn't get a chance to confess. For the first time since about October of last year, the confession line was so long, that people worried about whether or not they would get a chance. Sadly, there was only one priest (which could explain the dozen or so people still waiting to confess 15 minutes before time was up) and we were at the very back of the line. Since there was no way I was going to receive the Eucharist (I MUST every weekend) if I didn't confess, I made it a goal to do so before Mass today. Luckily, Fr. Leo let me confess before the last English Mass of the day (the noon Mass) and I was good.

One thing I also got to (quickly) talk about with Fr. Leo was my vocation. I'm going to talk to him about becoming a Lay Carmelite soon, since I am positive that I am not meant for the religious vocation. I wouldn't be opposed to it if I was. :D After my talk with him, while at Mass I realized something that I'd been neglecting to think about... what if I'm actually called to be single? What if I'm so afraid to be alone, or so selfish to want my own family, that I'm failing to see what my vocation could truly be? I'd never really considered it before. I was internally fighting against the thought as it came into my mind.

I considered what I thought, that maybe I didn't think about it before because I was either afraid to be alone or because I'd been too selfish, wanting a husband and children... but then two more thoughts crossed my mind; maybe I've just thought about this (single vocation) because I've already gotten guilt trips about leaving my mom to fend for herself. As I said in my No Dating; Courtship post, the topic of marriage has come up often recently (if I had a penny for every time it came up...) and every time I've felt bad about even thinking about it because I know I'd have to leave my mom and make my own life with my new husband. The thought of being called to be single had crossed my mind, and I had seriously thought about becoming a religious sister for a long time, but I'd always felt like I was called to being a wife and mother. Up until recently, I really felt that that was it for me. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if my feelings changed because of all the guilt I feel or because it's truly my vocation. As Fr. Leo briefly advised me, I need to really pray hard about this and then get back to him soon. Since he is now my main spiritual adviser (Fr. Stan got transferred to another parish), I'll have to update him with my journey thus far. What I am sure of it that whether I stay single or get married, I will still want to be associated with the Carmelites in one way or another.

I have A LOT to think, and pray, about. Hey, now I have something new to think about when I'm back to school. :D And, speaking of which, I'm off to get my schedule printed and make sure my ride will pick me up on time. I like to over-prepare myself so that I'm not stressing in the morning. First class of the day/school year: Philosophy of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Whoo-hoo! :D

Hope everyone had a great weekend. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.