Thank You for the Anger, God!

I'll be the first to admit that I have a temper once I'm pushed beyond my limits. I think we all have that limit where we endure all we can before we're pushed beyond our limit and become prone to feeling anger over whatever it is that provokes the emotion. However, I sometimes feel like when I get angry, I get really angry. Like, "ooh, child, you best watch yourself and walk away" angry. It doesn't happen often but, when it does, it can surprise even some of my oldest friends.

I feel things very deeply. The good, the bad... homegirl is sensitive to it all. lol. Hi, I'm an HSP and an INFP; it's ingrained in me. I know many of my friends were surprised to see me being so steady and not breaking down after my father died but that was because I internalized everything when people were around. I broke down when no one was watching. I tend to do that. I might've presented a strong front, especially when my mother completely broke down at the funeral, but that was because I was being outwardly strong for others. Inwardly? I was a wreck. I then became numb to all feeling for about a year because it was my way of keeping myself from breaking down completely and having others worry about me.

If I see someone hurting, my heart breaks. I will immediately tear up and this instinct to do whatever I can to help alleviate their suffering kicks in. It can be a mother asking for money outside of groceries stores. It can be seeing the destruction following a natural disaster. What hurts me most is when people lose what's most important to them -- their loved ones, their homes, their livelihood.

On the flip side, if I see someone happy, I burst with happiness for them. I cry at weddings with the biggest smile on my face. When one of my friends expresses their joy over something, I feel it too. Engagements, marriages, babies, job promotions, accomplishments, if you are happy, my heart is full and it feels as if these things were happening to me.

I've always had people trying to stop me from (by making me feel ashamed of) being emotionally expressive. Up to a point, I can see why. Some people do try to take advantage of those who feel strongly by means of emotional manipulation. I've been a victim of this more times than I care to admit. I am getting better at distinguishing when someone is using emotional manipulation. Of course, when I realize this, I become angry because it's a terrible thing to do. I don't understand why people do it.

And that brings us to the emotion of anger and the topic of this post. I feel this emotion deeply as well. Injustice makes me angry. Lies and manipulation make me angry. Abuse of any kind makes me angry. If I see someone being bullied, attacked, or anything of the sort, I get very upset. I used to confess this (often) because I used to think that getting angry was a sin. It became a source of scrupulosity for me. It wasn't until someone explained that feeling angry is natural and not a sin but that acting upon that emotion can become sinful that I stopped being so scrupulous. It's gotten better and I don't confess it unless something uncharitable escapes my lips or I act upon my anger (e.g. icy glares) but I still don't like how angry I can get sometimes. It's not a nice emotion. I don't like things that aren't nice. Sue me.

I have some consolations about this terrible anger I feel sometimes. Jesus got angry and cleansed the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). (side note: if you've ever wondered why I say "flippin'" when I'm upset about something, it's from this -- from Jesus flipping some tables in righteous anger). St. Jerome, who felt anger ardently, is the patron saint against anger for a reason yet he did great things for the Church. St. Teresa of Avila, who was also known to suffer from fits of anger, helped co-found the Discalced Carmelites (along with St. John of the Cross) because she had had enough of seeing the corruption within the Carmelite order. Through these (and many more examples), I've come to realize that I can use this particular negative emotion for good.

I believe that if we feel things deeply and don't get carried away by the emotions we can do a lot of good. The anger can be channeled to do something positive. The same with the sadness and (more easily) the joy. If we can keep this in mind, why are we still shamed into repressing them? A big reason why I developed anxiety in my mid-teens was because I bottled up most of my emotions. Any of you wondering why I haven't had regular panic attacks like I used to? It's because I've no longer bottled up my emotions, good or bad.

That's not to say that I've got it down pat. Sometimes, I can explode -- with anger or joy. Let's be honest, as human beings, we all do. I can usually keep things in perspective but when you add outside factors like lack of sleep, hunger, and other things, it's not as easy. However, it's not impossible.

I recently faced a lifelong problem with anger towards a certain family member. I prayed novenas about it and I sought the advice from trusted friends. God allowed me to understand that what this family member was doing to cause the (righteous yet still unpleasant) anger in me was being done unconsciously and that it was a result of some deep emotional scars within this person; none of it had anything to do with me. I exploded (in a quiet, controlled way) yet calmed down enough to sit down and talk to this person. 2 hours (and many tissues) later, we seemed to have sorted through things. I pray that God continues to help us keep our differences and outside influences in mind so that we can continue to repair the relationship but I know it's going to be somewhat of an uphill battle because it was decades of bad habits to undo.

Despite that drama (and I hate drama), I'm thankful to God for allowing me to have those moments where my temper exploded and I was able to look at things as a whole because it comes with the hope of a better relationship with the person. I still have to work on occasionally losing my cool when driving (L.A. drivers are notoriously rude) but I've seen the good God can do through the bad so I'm feeling optimistic about learning how to better control my temper overall.

How about you? Do any of you have a strong temper/temperament that you need to work on? Have you thought about asking God for help in learning to better manage and control that temper? Remember that you can always call of St. Jerome and/or St. Teresa of Avila whenever you're feeling particularly uncharitable in a heat-filled moment. :)

Well, that's it for now. I actually wrote this post days ago but I had work to do (which I will hopefully share soon) and then we had our apartment blessed for the Epiphany so I've been either sleeping, working, or cleaning up. Oh, 2018, you're a pip! lol.

I hope you're all having a lovely start to the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Mental and Emotional Purity

Many people (who have excellent taste in films and shows) have been raving about The Crown on Netflix so, naturally, I wanted to watch it. I have Netflix for a couple more days (I got it for a month) and have been attempting to add it to my queue but it never showed up. I wondered why I kept adding it without success. I thought it was a glitch on Netflix's end until I tried to watch it on my laptop as opposed to my TV (which is hooked to Roku and allows me to watch Netflix, Feeln, EWTN, etc). So, what was the reason? The Crown is rated TV-MA. TV-MA and rated R films are purposely blocked because I simply do not feel comfortable watching sex scenes and nakedness. A couple people on my Twitter feed said "oh, it's just the actor's naked backside for a scene or two" like it wasn't a big deal. I'm sure it isn't to them but it is to me.

I've already written about how I'm proud to be a "prude" (5 years ago) and even expanded on why I choose to forgo watching films, t.v. shows, and reading books that have sex scenes in a post earlier this year. For the tl;dr crowd: I have an active and vivid imagination that does not to have those images replaying in my mind, which I'll later have to go to confession for. I'm also terribly uncomfortable with it. Yes, sex is a beautiful and natural part of married life but I'm not comfortable with those images, either visually or mentally. Even though they are characters and actors paid to do their jobs, it feels like an invasion of privacy on an intimate moment meant for two people. I've gotten comments about how "ridiculous" I am for "being this way" but I don't care. If I'm not comfortable with something, I'm going to avoid it. I know myself better than anyone else does and I know where my weaknesses are. There's a reason why I threw away my Meg Cabot books earlier this year and why I'm going to end this year with another music purge like I did 3 years ago.

Let's go beyond sex scenes. We women tend to be emotional creatures by nature. Hallmark movies and chick lit give us unrealistic expectations about love and romance. They make us feel all warm and fuzzy. When you're a single woman, it's so easy to fall into the temptation to think "wow, I wish I could have that..." Yes, I can now watch Hallmark movies and not think that life is going to be like that because, well, it's not. It's easier now but, oh, it wasn't always easy for me to separate between the two.

If you can watch these things and are not as sensitive to them as I am, power to you. I'm not here to shame anyone who can watch or read these things and not have them affect them. I, unfortunately, cannot claim the same so I do what I have to do to keep some mental and emotional purity. I know, I know. Some of you have an issue with the phrase "emotional purity" but I'm going to use it for one good reason: I struggled with it earlier this year.

During the summer, when I had an anemic spiritual life, there was a young man who (still is) lovely but was all wrong for me for several reasons. (side note: I should also remind everyone that I was emotionally fragile during this time so it wasn't the ideal time for this to happen though, looking back at it, I'm glad it did.) I was on an emotional high for quite some time, which hasn't been normal for me as an adult but it's something I was not unfamiliar with as a teenager while away from the Church. I felt things a lot more intensely then (think Marianne Dashwood as opposed to the Elinor Dashwood my friends are more use to these days) than I do now because I've learned to practice a lot of self-control and I've learned to not get carried away with my feelings or my imagination. I momentarily forgot that for a couple of weeks and it was unhealthy for me. I actually felt like a teenager and not the 31-year-old young woman that I am. All those ideas I got from books I read and movies I watched years ago came flooding back into my mind. "Wouldn't it be lovely if this happened...?" "Wouldn't it be romantic if...?" Does anyone see where I'm going with this and why I chose, years ago, to avoid things that could later be brought up in my mind when I'm having a moment of weakness? No, my thoughts didn't necessarily go there but they could've easily gone there if I hadn't exercised some degree of control (the little that I had at the time) over my imagination.

Yes, it's really dumb and I'm not proud of it but the evil one knows where my weaknesses lie. My emotions and my heart (hopeless romantic, party of one) are two of my biggest downfalls when I let my guard down. This young man, as lovely as he is, was a massive temptation to my emotional health. What I felt for him was so strong (or so it seemed; emotions can trip you up) that my imagination went into overdrive with romantic ideals. It's an INFP downfall; we're too idealistic and too prone to live in a fantasy world if we're not careful... and I wasn't for a while. Everything I worked hard to control over the years flew out the window. It didn't last too long, thank goodness.

I confided in those I feel closest to and I'm sure their prayers were what helped me get out of this ridiculous state of mind. I made the decision to nip it in the bud, as hard as it was. It took a couple of weeks but I was able to get out of that state of mind and back to normal. This happened months ago (during the summer) but I struggled with these thoughts again late last month through earlier this month when they resurfaced during the 54-day Rosary Novena I'm doing. However, this time I understood that it was because of the nature of one of my intentions for the novena so it was easier (time-wise) to overcome it.

So, you see, this is why I continue to be cautious and keep myself from watching things that can end up kicking my tush in the future. Yes, I'm uncomfortable watching sex scenes and naked people because it's how I was raised but I also know that it can be a weakness for me. I have a feeling there are more people like me out there but who are embarrassed to admit this (which was not easy for me to do). It is what it is. Know yourselves. Keep in mind your strengths and weaknesses. Don't ever be too comfortable with your own perceived power/abilities because temptation can be a lot stronger than you think. Evil doesn't take a day off. It will catch you off-guard. Prayer, remembering that you need God during these moments of weakness, and lots of moral support from people you trust are key during these times.

Alright, I think that's enough gut spillage for now. I'm going to go hide or something. lol. ;)

I hope y'all had a lovely work week and that you have a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

It's That Time Again...

It's been a long time since I've done one of these. I think I'm averaging one every 2-3 years. Anyway, here are 10 facts you might've not known about me.

1. I was big into science as a kid... especially astronomy and dinosaurs. Going to the Griffith Observatory still reminds me of the first time I went and how stoked I was about learning about the planets. I also loved building models of dinosaur skeletons. I have to admit, I knew I had to save the article about the new director of the Vatican Observatory when I read it because I'm still interested in astronomy. Yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said I have nerd tendencies. lol.

2. I have a tendency to be "late to the party." I was one of the last people in my class to get a computer. I didn't have a cell phone until I was 19. I didn't get an iPod until I was 22-33. I didn't start driving / get my license until I was 25. I'm obviously not getting married nor having any children "young" (under 30) either. *shrugs* It is what it is. lol.

3. I've worn glasses since I was 6 years old but very few friends (especially those who met me after I turned 16) have ever seen me wear them. The reason for this is because I prefer contacts, especially when I know I'm going to be active (think hiking, running, playing a sport, etc.) or driving. Unless you catch me at home during one of my "introvert days," you probably will never see me wear them... at least not outside of pictures.

4. This one is for the ladies: I can't wear lipstick or, really, a lot of make-up. I have an odd skin tone that can range from being light and a bit pale (think more of the pink/yellow undertones) in the winter months to very much olive tone in the summer. I've never successfully found a lipstick that works for my complexion. Same goes for eyeshadow and foundation/power. It suits me just fine; I think I'm too low maintenance for a whole makeup routine anyway. lol.

5. I've "renounced my claim" to all Jane Austen heroes, including Henry Tilney and George Knightley. lol. I also came to realize I'm more of an Anne Shirley than I am a Jane Bennet / Anne Elliot. I still love Austen novels and one of my best friends still calls me Jane (after Jane Bennet) but I'm more likely to re-read the Anne books. This may or may not also mean I now pray for a Gilbert Blythe-type to make me swoon. I'm only half serious. lol.

6. I don't put much stock into those personality / temperament tests as I used to. Though I still get mostly INFP on the Myers-Briggs tests, I've gotten INTP or INFJ as well. As for the Four Temperaments tests, I can get either Phlegmatic-Sanguine or Phlegmatic-Melancholic. I think I'm a little too "outgoing" and silly for the Melancholic one. lol. Either I'm changing (which shouldn't influence the results; these tests are based on personality traits from birth) or the tests and traits are getting tweaked. Either way, I'm going to go with the first results: INFP and Phlegmatic-Sanguine because those sound the most like me.

7. I grew up being very superstitious because my dad was uber superstitious. In recent years I've been trying to make myself do things I was superstitious about. I'm now "fearless" about doing things I once considered bad luck... meaning I'll do it, unless trying it will land me in the hospital or in jail. lol.

8. For an introvert and someone who can easily get embarrassed, I definitely have my "homegirl no care" moments. Examples: I sing and dance in the aisles of stores, I sing and dance in my car, um... let's just say I sing and/or dance in a lot of places because I forget people are watching/listening to me.

9. I did the whole cheerleading/dancing/drill team thing up until freshman/sophomore year of high school. I've just always loved dancing and, really, I did whatever I could to avoid regular P.E. lol. It ended when 1) I had to choose between academics and drill team (I chose academics) and 2) then they gave us a cap with how many dance classes would count towards P.E. credits. If you're wondering, I've always been an introvert so I wasn't one of the girls everyone knew. I still did my own thing. Again, I did it to avoid regular P.E. lol.

10. One more for the "but you're an introvert" file: I did the whole choir / singing thing from childhood into my teens. I just liked doing it. As I got older I began gravitating more towards instruments (piano and guitar). Now: good luck hearing me sing and/or play an instrument. lol. I took the Anne Shirley route and went from being very talkative as a child to being a lot more reserved as I got older.

That's it. Now you know stuff you probably didn't care about about me. lol. ;)

My Literary Heroine

As I stated a few blog posts ago, I've been re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series with my good friend (and rock star editor/only person to have read part of the novel sequel), Kiera. We're currently a couple of books into the series and I'm loving it. There is one curious thing about this re-read though; I've come to realize that I am Anne Shirley. This got me thinking about something: we gals tends to either identify with or try to emulate literary heroines we admire. Furthermore, who have I chosen as my ideal literary heroine? Someone I identify with or someone I want to be like?

I'm a Janeite through and through. I've been a member of JASNA and JASNA-SW. I own all the novels and mini-series DVDs. I can tell you the stories of the heroines and the heroes as if they were my own stories. Some of my closest friends (who are also Janeites) have nicknamed me "Jane" after Miss Jane Bennet, eldest daughter of the Bennet family in Pride and Prejudice. She's quiet, reserved, doesn't show her emotions readily (even to her closest sister, Elizabeth), and feels deeper than she shows. However, I have never fully identified as a Jane.

I am quiet and reserved... but most of the quietness fades when I get to know someone well enough to let my silliness through. I don't share my feelings so easily with everyone but I am getting better about sharing them with the people who mean the most to me. I do feel deeply but I also know that people can just take one look at me and know what I'm feeling. So, no, I'm not really Jane. I'm a "combination of Jane Bennet (quietness and reserve), Catherine Morland (imagination and innocence), Anne Elliot (steadfastness and loyalty), and Elinor Dashwood (practical and sensible)" as one close friend says. Still, even a combo isn't really close to how I am. I don't see myself in any of them... even the combo. As much as these women are awesome heroines, I don't choose them (or any other Austen heroine) as my preferred literary heroine. That honor goes to Anne Shirley.

Anne is an INFP, just like me. Anne had a fiery temperature as a child that eventually gets reigned in as an adult. I certainly have a bit of a temper when I'm pushed beyond my limit (who doesn't?) but instead of breaking a slate over someone's head, I get quiet. I internalize things instead of arguing with someone... and I will get over it within minutes. Anne had nothing at the beginning of the series. She was orphaned and she initially wasn't wanted but she was eventually taken in by the Cuthberts, received an education, and even graduated with a B.A. which was rare for a woman to do in the Edwardian era. I wasn't orphaned (I didn't experience the loss of a parent until I was 24 years-old) but I do come from a socioeconomic background in which the odds were stacked against me from the beginning. Neither of my parents went beyond a junior high education, no one (brothers nor sister) graduated from high school, and college never entered anyone's hopes and dreams. Like Anne, I put my B.A. dreams on hold for a couple of years when there was an illness in the family but, also like Anne, I don't regret that decision. Now I'm nearly 2/3 through my second degree with a brighter future than I could've ever dreamed for myself.

Most of you might not know this (since the majority of you have only known me as an adult), but I used to get in trouble in school for talking. A lot and often. My report cards (some of which I still have) used to have "talks too much in class" comments. However, as I got older, I became less talkative.

"There were other changes in Anne no less real than the physical change. For one thing, she became much quieter. Perhaps she thought all the more and dreamed as much as ever, but she certainly talked less."

This was the exact passage that made me realize that Anne was the literary version of myself, more so than all the Austen heroines combined. I definitely become quieter around middle school and it's stayed that way since. I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head but I just write them down. My best friend growing up started giving me notebooks as birthday presents when we were teenagers for this very reason. He noticed that I always writing and/or dreaming up things (much like Anne) so he gave me notebook; I went through them quickly, too.

All of these things (and many more that would be too long to list) are part of why I chose Anne as my literary heroine. I see my faults in her faults. I see my strengths and weaknesses in her own. I notice things I don't like about her and realize that those are the same things I have to work on. All the things that I admire about her, I've come to accept (with reluctance, lol) as things that I also possess. I know she's not real; I know she's partially a figment of L.M. Montgomery's imagination. Still, isn't it great to find a "kindred spirit" that helps you grow as a person... even one that only lives in pages and imaginations?

A few weeks ago, I confided in a good friend that I was thinking about giving up writing because I didn't think what I wrote made a difference in anyone's life. He reminded me that the authors that I admire have made a positive impact on me... and that they would never know it. I thought about Jane Austen and agreed that it made sense but it wasn't until I re-read the words of L.M. Montgomery that my friend's word really hit me. Just as I have chosen Anne as my literary heroine, I hope that someday my literary heroines (like Lina Zamora) will be someone else's literary heroine, even if I never find out. And, again, no, Lina is not entirely based on me though we do share certain similarities. I think I'm more Anne Shirley than I am Lina Zamora, to be honest. My friends will have to be the judges here. lol.

I just wanted to share this because I've seen a big surge in Anne of Green Gables readers amongst us in the (female) Catholic world lately.  Oh! And, out of curiosity, who are some of YOUR literary heroines and why? I'd love to know. :)

Anyway, I should get back to studying. I have three exams in the next week (one on Friday and two next Monday) and I really want to do well so I'm going to be focusing on that and homework this week. If I don't get a chance to write again until after my last exam, have a great week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I've Made Some Big, Life-Changing Decisions

As you can probably guess from the title, I've decided to share some pretty big decisions that I've made over the last couple of weeks. These decisions range from changes in my career, residence, and some other faith related changes.

First, as some of you may know, I recently did a St. Thomas Aquinas novena regarding grad school. If you've read this blog long enough, you know that I had been struggling to figure out what to do about grad school since before I graduated last year. Did I want to follow up my Religious Studies BA with a Master's in Theology? Did I want to follow my dream of being a writer and pursue a MFA in Creative Writing? I was torn between the two and, up until a few weeks ago, I was still undecided. Then I was inspired by the son of one of my dearest friends (Kathryn) to look into becoming a Speech Therapist. Well, I technically had a dream that I was visiting her family and had told her that I wished I was a therapist so I could help her, but it was enough to trigger the curiosity in me. After one of my Godmothers brought it up (without knowing that I was considering it), I really looked into it and it all sort of clicked for me.

Up until my father's death, I often talked how I had wished I had the stomach to become a doctor or even a nurse. I can handle some things but blood and seeing open cuts and wounds will make me faint. That's why I ruled that out early on. However, I've always wanted to help people out somehow. Then, as I said, it clicked for me. My mom and my uncle have stutters. Three of my best friends have children with autism. This is something I could do to really help people. I definitely have the patience, the heart to help, and it suits my personality. I even checked out my personality profile (I'm an INFP) for kicks and, sure enough, Speech Pathologist is on the list. So, after all of the things I've explained (as well as a lot of prayer), I've decided to change careers. I will always write but I think I'll be more comfortable writing my own novels and articles on the side and have Speech-Language Pathology as my main career.

It wasn't easy to get to this decision. Freelance writing is incredibly unstable. I knew that when I started last year. While I have really enjoyed some of my assignments (I'll always make time to write for H&R Block; side note: my latest post for them was published today), overall, I've been unhappy. I love writing but I figured out a few weeks back that (except for my H&R Block assignments, as well as those I've written for Envoy Magazine), most of my work has left me feeling empty and like I'm wasting my time. I no longer feel as though this is what God has planned for me. Sure, Speech Pathology pays a lot more (which is why I hesitated on the decision; I didn't want to make it based on greed or anything like that) but that's not why I want to do it. I just think that what I have to offer the world would be better spent helping others than writing  about which movies are currently playing "On Demand" for a cable company I personally ditched two weeks ago.

Along with the change of career, I've also decided to relocate. I've been wanting to move out of Los Angeles since, I kid you not, I was about 6 years old and I'll hopefully (finally!) get a chance to as I pursue this journey. All of the grad programs I want to apply to are in colder climates, which works for me; I'm sick of the hot weather. I will apply to a program here as well but I'm considering that as my backup. I am sure God will help guide me exactly where He wants me to be.

All of this has made me rely more on my faith, wanting to do God's will, and take my own feelings out of the equation. I loathe math with every fiber of my being but I'm going to have to get over it because I need at least one more upper division math class to take. As far as schools go, (from what I know) there are no orthodox Catholic universities that offer a SLP Masters degree. Not happy about that (would've loved to have attended a good Catholic uni) but maybe it's what I need to strengthen my faith. Also, a lot of the universities on the top of my list are in very liberal cities, which is going to be fun. Yes, there was a hint of sarcasm when I wrote that last sentence. lol. I definitely have my pick of the university I would love to attend, and the city in which it is in is my ideal to live in, but it's not about what I want. Again, it's about God's will and what He would like me to do. I just have to surrender any selfish desires and trust Him. I'm going to immerse myself in more prayer over the next couple of months (I'll be applying this autumn to begin during Fall 2014) and go from there.

I know that all these changes will alter a lot of things in my life. I will have to leave behind my comfort zone. I'm going to have to challenge myself in ways I wasn't anticipating. Overall, I'm hoping that my resolution to trust God completely and not worry about the future will prove to be a success because, as I wrote last month, it's never been easy for me to completely let go in the past. A new career. A new place to live in (I've lived at the same address for the past 22 years). And I will possibly have to do this by myself, without anyone there to help me. *gulp*

Anyway, just wanted to share this. If y'all can spare a prayer, I'd grateful appreciate it. :D

Sorry for the long post but, well, you guys know I love to write a little too much sometimes. lol.

I hope y'all have a great start of  the weekend. :D If you have any prayer requests, please send them by way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!