When People React Strongly to Your Blog Posts

Okay, wow... I did not expect the response I got from the blog post on Mental and Emotional Purity. Some of the comments were positive and I found out there were more like-minded people. Others were... not in agreement and made it known. I act felt attacked by a couple of comments but I tried to let it roll off of me because I knew what I had posted. I knew people were going to feel strongly about it but I also knew that I wanted to share my own thoughts. Still, I wasn't anticipating how much was misinterpreted.

I thought I'd made my thoughts clear in the post that those were my own thoughts and feelings on the subject. I thought I'd made it clear that I didn't have an issue with sex; I just don't want to hear about other people's experiences, especially when it gets graphic. I wasn't expecting for people to make me feel like there was something wrong with me for choosing to not want to hear or think about these things. I wasn't expecting people to throw (and I'm paraphrasing) "well, if you have an issue with chastity..." comments in my face. I wasn't expecting to feel as terrible as I did. But I did... and I had to remind myself that those were just other people's opinions and that I'm fine with my own thoughts because it's what I feel is right for me.

Funnily enough, no one talked about the issue of being careful with things like Hallmark movies or chick lit books. No, everyone focused on the part in which I mentioned sex. Go back and see for yourself... I talked more about the emotional part. No one touched that. It was interesting.

I've been reading Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights from John Paul II's Love and Responsibility by Edward Sri and a lot of what I was trying to say in the blog post was written perfectly in the book. I haven't read anything on Theology of the Body and I'm still learning about human sexuality from a Catholic perspective -- I've only gotten an "education" on human sexuality from liberal professors at secular colleges -- but it all pretty much aligns with what my thoughts and feelings about it. (side note: If you haven't read the book, or Pope St. John Paul II's Love and Responsibility, I highly recommend both.)

I don't regret what I wrote because I wanted to be honest with my thoughts and feelings on the subject. It was also a wonderful conversational starter with some people who disagreed but wanted to talk more about where I was coming from. People who bothered to talk to me about what I had written -- to make sure they understood where I was coming from -- ended up knowing that I meant no harm in what I had written. Those who made their comments (some very harshly) and didn't bother to continue dialogue after speaking their mind and reading my responses, I'm not angry with y'all. I'm sad we couldn't talk about it in a civil way but it's okay.

I'm going to continue writing about my thoughts. I did warn everyone that this was going to happen. I'm going to lose readers like I lost Twitter followers a couple of days ago. That's fine. As I said a couple of days ago, I'm going through a lot of changes (including some big life changes) so I'm going to be writing about how I'm changing, which includes changes to my thoughts on certain topics. This isn't a challenge or me flipping the bird to anyone; I simply want to stay authentic.

Anyway, I wanted to clear the air for those who were/are still unhappy with what I wrote. Again, it wasn't a judgment about anyone (I made sure I included that disclaimer in the blog post; you can go back and read it for yourselves if you don't believe me); I was simply talking about why I've chosen to avoid speaking, seeing, or hearing about sex. That's it. I won't be expanding further on it because I feel like I'm talking about it enough. I may revisit the topic of human sexuality in the future (though not anytime soon; I have other things I wish to write about) and I hope that those who stick around to share my journey with me will remember that what I write about is about what affects me personally, no one else.

Since there is a break from the rain (we've had rain in L.A. over the past 24 hours or so), I'm going to go make a quick grocery run since the rain is supposed to come back -- and it's supposed to be heavier -- later today through tomorrow. Need to stock up on basics, especially since we're now a few days away from Christmas. Time has flown by this year. :)

I hope y'all are doing well. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Mental and Emotional Purity

Many people (who have excellent taste in films and shows) have been raving about The Crown on Netflix so, naturally, I wanted to watch it. I have Netflix for a couple more days (I got it for a month) and have been attempting to add it to my queue but it never showed up. I wondered why I kept adding it without success. I thought it was a glitch on Netflix's end until I tried to watch it on my laptop as opposed to my TV (which is hooked to Roku and allows me to watch Netflix, Feeln, EWTN, etc). So, what was the reason? The Crown is rated TV-MA. TV-MA and rated R films are purposely blocked because I simply do not feel comfortable watching sex scenes and nakedness. A couple people on my Twitter feed said "oh, it's just the actor's naked backside for a scene or two" like it wasn't a big deal. I'm sure it isn't to them but it is to me.

I've already written about how I'm proud to be a "prude" (5 years ago) and even expanded on why I choose to forgo watching films, t.v. shows, and reading books that have sex scenes in a post earlier this year. For the tl;dr crowd: I have an active and vivid imagination that does not to have those images replaying in my mind, which I'll later have to go to confession for. I'm also terribly uncomfortable with it. Yes, sex is a beautiful and natural part of married life but I'm not comfortable with those images, either visually or mentally. Even though they are characters and actors paid to do their jobs, it feels like an invasion of privacy on an intimate moment meant for two people. I've gotten comments about how "ridiculous" I am for "being this way" but I don't care. If I'm not comfortable with something, I'm going to avoid it. I know myself better than anyone else does and I know where my weaknesses are. There's a reason why I threw away my Meg Cabot books earlier this year and why I'm going to end this year with another music purge like I did 3 years ago.

Let's go beyond sex scenes. We women tend to be emotional creatures by nature. Hallmark movies and chick lit give us unrealistic expectations about love and romance. They make us feel all warm and fuzzy. When you're a single woman, it's so easy to fall into the temptation to think "wow, I wish I could have that..." Yes, I can now watch Hallmark movies and not think that life is going to be like that because, well, it's not. It's easier now but, oh, it wasn't always easy for me to separate between the two.

If you can watch these things and are not as sensitive to them as I am, power to you. I'm not here to shame anyone who can watch or read these things and not have them affect them. I, unfortunately, cannot claim the same so I do what I have to do to keep some mental and emotional purity. I know, I know. Some of you have an issue with the phrase "emotional purity" but I'm going to use it for one good reason: I struggled with it earlier this year.

During the summer, when I had an anemic spiritual life, there was a young man who (still is) lovely but was all wrong for me for several reasons. (side note: I should also remind everyone that I was emotionally fragile during this time so it wasn't the ideal time for this to happen though, looking back at it, I'm glad it did.) I was on an emotional high for quite some time, which hasn't been normal for me as an adult but it's something I was not unfamiliar with as a teenager while away from the Church. I felt things a lot more intensely then (think Marianne Dashwood as opposed to the Elinor Dashwood my friends are more use to these days) than I do now because I've learned to practice a lot of self-control and I've learned to not get carried away with my feelings or my imagination. I momentarily forgot that for a couple of weeks and it was unhealthy for me. I actually felt like a teenager and not the 31-year-old young woman that I am. All those ideas I got from books I read and movies I watched years ago came flooding back into my mind. "Wouldn't it be lovely if this happened...?" "Wouldn't it be romantic if...?" Does anyone see where I'm going with this and why I chose, years ago, to avoid things that could later be brought up in my mind when I'm having a moment of weakness? No, my thoughts didn't necessarily go there but they could've easily gone there if I hadn't exercised some degree of control (the little that I had at the time) over my imagination.

Yes, it's really dumb and I'm not proud of it but the evil one knows where my weaknesses lie. My emotions and my heart (hopeless romantic, party of one) are two of my biggest downfalls when I let my guard down. This young man, as lovely as he is, was a massive temptation to my emotional health. What I felt for him was so strong (or so it seemed; emotions can trip you up) that my imagination went into overdrive with romantic ideals. It's an INFP downfall; we're too idealistic and too prone to live in a fantasy world if we're not careful... and I wasn't for a while. Everything I worked hard to control over the years flew out the window. It didn't last too long, thank goodness.

I confided in those I feel closest to and I'm sure their prayers were what helped me get out of this ridiculous state of mind. I made the decision to nip it in the bud, as hard as it was. It took a couple of weeks but I was able to get out of that state of mind and back to normal. This happened months ago (during the summer) but I struggled with these thoughts again late last month through earlier this month when they resurfaced during the 54-day Rosary Novena I'm doing. However, this time I understood that it was because of the nature of one of my intentions for the novena so it was easier (time-wise) to overcome it.

So, you see, this is why I continue to be cautious and keep myself from watching things that can end up kicking my tush in the future. Yes, I'm uncomfortable watching sex scenes and naked people because it's how I was raised but I also know that it can be a weakness for me. I have a feeling there are more people like me out there but who are embarrassed to admit this (which was not easy for me to do). It is what it is. Know yourselves. Keep in mind your strengths and weaknesses. Don't ever be too comfortable with your own perceived power/abilities because temptation can be a lot stronger than you think. Evil doesn't take a day off. It will catch you off-guard. Prayer, remembering that you need God during these moments of weakness, and lots of moral support from people you trust are key during these times.

Alright, I think that's enough gut spillage for now. I'm going to go hide or something. lol. ;)

I hope y'all had a lovely work week and that you have a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Maria Goretti Feast Day: Reflection on Purity

What can I say about St. Maria Goretti that I didn't say last year? I still think she's amazing and a great role model for purity. The debate still rages on: should we "glorify" a saint who chose to die instead of being raped? Is virginity more important than one's life? Everyone has their opinion and I don't want to start the debate on this blog but I will say that I'd still do what she did if, heaven forbid, I ever found myself in her shoes again. Yes, again.

When I was 14-15 years old, a young man who had recently graduated from the same high school I attended (and had previously dated a friend of mine) tried to force himself on me... while we were still on campus no less... but I somehow found the strength to push him away and escape. I may look small (tall but still small somehow) and weak, and I am definitely prone to anxiety, but my survival instincts have a knack of kicking in when I need them. The young man tried to get me alone again but he never did thanks to wonderful friends of mine, Robert and Priscilla, who never left me alone for the rest of the summer while I did work-study on campus. Of course no one else believed me because the young man was so beloved by everyone in administration but those two friends saw the way he looked at me and studied his actions around me so they didn't leave me. Robert, who I had just met no more than 2 weeks prior to the incident, posed as my diligent boyfriend who didn't mind hanging out hours after summer school classes were over just to make sure I was never alone. Though we never had true feelings for each other, I still hold a special place in my heart for him and for everything he did. I left that high school shortly after the work-study ended, especially since my anxiety had gotten much worse with the incident, so I never knew what happened to the young man or my friends but the experience certainly shaped me and what my thoughts are when it comes to this particular subject.

I am thankful to God for giving me some good common sense when I was still away from the Church. Before reverting to the faith, there were a number of occasions in which I could've easily been a victim these things -- many young men during my first year and a half of college inviting me to their apartments or even offering to pay for a cab so I could go "hang out" or "work on classwork" with them; oh the stories I could tell -- but somehow God kept me sane and safe. I have also developed a reputation for being "difficult" and "picky" when it comes to guys (it's not being difficult, it's being smart and not falling for tricks) but that's another story. :) Now that I am back and my ever-growing faith is intact, I am grateful that I have made the choices I have.

I didn't have the support system I have now when I went through these things. I mean, I've always had my mother and she was the first person I would tell whenever I got the horrid "invitations" from these so-called guy "friends", but I didn't have anyone my age who understood me. I was called a prude by everyone (including my former Women's Studies professor) but I still knew, in my heart, that I was doing the right thing. That is what I hope to get across to other young ladies who may read this blog (and I know I have some as young as 15): you are NOT alone if you don't have people in your life that will encourage and applaud your choice to be pure until marriage... or if you have others who are trying to encourage you to do things you know are bad. As for whether you should, in case of extreme danger, choose life or purity -- I can't tell you that. I can't make that decision for anyone. My personal choice will remain to choose purity and not because I dream of being a martyr. It's just that I value staying true to God more than I do doing what will be less painful or consequential in this mortal life. I know some of you will disagree but this is just my own personal opinion (have I stressed that enough?).

If you have been a victim of abuse, first a big virtual hug and please know that none of what happened was your fault. As the late Fr. Leo once told me, rape victims are not sinners nor should they feel like they are. You are still pure in God's eyes because you did not commit any sin and He loves you even more because of what you have gone through.

I don't know what I am going to do today for St. Maria Goretti's feast day but I really want to do something. I mean, the Rosary at 3 p.m. (it is currently 2:31 p.m. right now) followed by the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy Chaplet is definitely a given as they are favorite devotions of mine but may I'll take an hour or two to really reflect on just how important purity (and modesty -- post on this subject coming up soon) is to me. I bet I'll find many more things to thank God for, which is what I should really do instead of spending countless hours online where the purity of my eyes (laugh if you must but really think about it) can be easily defiled by the filth that seems to pop-up more and more everyday. Okay, sounds like a plan to me. :D

I hope everyone has a great day (which, if you're not going to the doctor's like I am, should be better than mine lol).

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

Giveaway Winners; Feminism, Part One.

Note: Started this post two weeks ago but haven't been able to finish and post it until today -- May 28, 2009.

Thank you to all who participated in the St. Dymphna giveaway. If you won, I've already contacted you via Twitter because all the winners entered through Twitter. :D And, to be fair, I'll post the answers.

For the Rosary Chaplet:
1) I've mentioned St. Dymphna MANY times in this blog before. How many entries have I mentioned her name, in one way or another? 34 Entries
2) What was the entry (post) name in which I included scanned photos of a St. Dymphna's prayer card? Go Liverpool!; Anxiety and Catholicism, St. Dymphna (It's the entry most of the google searches landed on prior to the Fr. Alberto Cutié scandal.)
3) Which fellow saint helped St. Dymphna during her escape (and was also martyred with her)? St. Gerebernus

For the Prayer Cards:
1) Where is St. Dymphna originally from? Clogher, Ireland (I'm going to be there very, very soon)
2) Where was she martyred? Gheel, Belgium.
3) What is she the patron saint of (besides anxiety)? Insomnia, Sleepwalking, Mental Health, Epilepsy, Neurological Disorders, Psychologists, Therapists, Possessed People, Princesses, Loss of Parents, Family Happiness, Rape Victims, Incest Victims, Runaways.

Again, congrats to all the winners. :)

While I'm still discussing St. Dymphna, let me just say what a great inspiration she and saints like St. Maria Goretti are for young women. They also, with the other female saints and, of course, our Blessed Virgin Mary are the true defintion of the word "feminist."

I recently wrote an essay for one of my classes on Feminism and the literature during the 1970s Women's Movement. It reminded me of a Women's Studies class I took a few semesters ago. I was at war with my professor who is the common definition of the word feminist. Why were we at war? Because I was very vocal about how some of the things "feminists" are "supposed" to do to show their independence from man were more damaging than helpful. She use to single me out in class and ridicule me for waiting until marriage. I will never forget the first time she asked if anyone was actually still waiting and I was the only one who raised their hand. Jaws dropped. A few girls told me after class that they admired me for doing so and that they would do the same if they could go back in time and change things. Still, from that point on, I was picked on by the prof. Any time a subject like a V-Monologues (which she urged us to go to and which I lost points on for not attending) or anything of that nature would come up, she'd get in her little jab... even if it was a "No offense to Emmy who knows nothing about what we're talking about" or a "Emmy, you have no right to answer this because you've never experienced it."

I hate it when feminists take saints like St. Maria Goretti and criticize her for "wanting" to die instead of letting her attacker have his way with her. I would've done the same thing St. Maria Goretti did. In fact, I have... in a way.

When I was a freshman/sophomore in high school, I attended a public high school. I worked as a counselor's assistant the summer between my freshman and sophomore year doing office work. One day, when the counselors had a meeting, the other counselor's assistant, a young man 4 years older than me, cornered me in the office. Since everyone knew the counselors had afternoon off, no one came in and the guy apparently thought it was a good time "to be alone." I was in no one attracted to him nor did I ever make it seem like I was. As I was re-stacking the papers and pamphlets in the office, he grabbed my arms and pinned me against one of the tables. He told me these things I will not repeat but let's just say I could have slugged him for it if both of my arms weren't being restrained by his hands. I was so disgusted, and frightened, that I found a physical strength I didn't know I had and I pushed him off of me with all the force I was able to get. I may look small in size and age but I pack a wallop. (There have been a few guys who have been on the receiving end of my slaps and sucker punches.) I pushed the guy so hard, he wound up stumbling on the table in back of him. I was ready to punch and kick him when an administrator came in. They did nothing to the guy and the few people I told basically said to forget it because he was so beloved that no one would believe me. I did have two wonderful friends who not only believe me (because they know the kind of person I am), but one of them, a guy, stayed with me at the office for the rest of the summer. I left the school a semester after the incident and it's part of why I got anxiety at 15.

The point of me sharing that is that feminists will take a story like mine, which is NOTHING compared to what happened to St. Maria Goretti or St. Dymphna, and put their own spin on it. I'd probably get props for not letting a man take control of my fate, and standing up for myself. but then the question would come up... if I were in real danger, would I give in to save my life? Or would I do what it takes to preserve my purity? No question, I'd do the same thing both of the saints I've mentioned, as well as others, and fight. This is where feminists would have an issue. I can just hear them now "Don't be stupid. Rape is something you can get over, death isn't." Then they'd probably lecture me on how the Catholic Church has "brainwashed" me into thinking that I shouldn't express my "needs and desires." These type of things I've heard before and each time I feel bad because they just simply don't get it.

Of course, feminists usually advocate being in charge of what one does with their selves. Their argument is usually "I'm taking charge of what happens to my body. I can take care of it." Then they say things that contradict each other. "Pornography is horrible because it objectifies women... but if a woman wants to do it and is control of her body, let her do it. It's her freedom."... "If a woman dresses provocatively, men will objectify her. But, if she wants to dress like that because she wants to feel sexy, then let her. It's her body." Then, there's my all-time favorite (please note the sarcasm) phrase, "If a woman wants to have an abortion, let her. It's her body and she can do what she wants with it." Yes, please let women take the life of an innocent child and completely destroy her body in the process because she doesn't want to have a child. *rolls eyes* I'm actually doing my last essay for my Philosophy/Ethics course on why abortion is morally wrong... which will be the second part to my Feminism posts in the near future. All I will say about this, for now, is that my presentation/essay ends with the phrase "You can keep telling us to keep our rosaries off your ovaries, but your ovaries NEED our rosaries."

If these so-called feminists stopped their whole "Equality for all!" dribble they could see that what they're actually doing is putting women at a greater risk. As much as they'd like to think that women can do EVERYTHING men can do, that's simply not true. Likewise, there are things (like giving birth) that women can do that men can't. We were not designed to do the same things. Even if we take religion out of the equation, it's still be clear that we're not all alike and trying to put this front about how we're supposed to "get out of the backwards teachings of religion and the 'Leave it to Beaver' era" is actually harmful to women. Our minds, souls, and bodies are temples and should be treated as such. "Know you not that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid." (1 Corinthians 6:15)

I will stop this post here because I have to go continue studying for finals... and because I have a second post that I will hopefully post as soon as I finish my finals. I know this post will both shock and upset some of my friends because only a couple of people have known about this. All I have to say about what happened to me is that I forgave the guy for what he attempted to do and I pray for him.

Alright, that's enough stalling. lol. I hope everyone has a good weekend... I hope I do, even though my birthday "curse" has already began to strike. Long story. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)
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Music, Soccer, and St. Maria Goretti.

I have missed playing my guitar! It's been months since I last picked it up and I truly miss it. A few days ago, a melody I'd never heard just randomly popped into my head. I repeated it a couple of times but chalked it up to a fluke because I haven't written a song in years -- since I was 18-19 to be exact. I've forgotten the melodies but have the lyrics in my mind. Typical writer, eh? lol. This morning, my favorite cousin (who I call my brother because he's more like a brother than my actual brothers) came over to visit -- which is always awesome because he's the best bro a girl could have. Anyway, I asked him how the kids were and he said that my niece had taken up piano, my eldest nephew was following in my footsteps by taking the guitar, and that the youngest wants to be a drummer. Not only that, bro said that my first guitar (which he's own since January 2007; I upgraded my acoustic) will be passed down to my nephew as soon as he can play it (it's too big for him at the moment). I felt very happy and proud to hear that. I come from a musical family. I'm the only musician (and I use that term loosely when describing myself) out of my siblings, though I have cousins who are actual musicians (and they actually have careers in the Latin market). It's great that the younger generation has started getting into the tradition at such a young age. If I do decide to start creating music again, it will be nothing like I have done before. I'm no longer in a Fiona Apple phase like I was at 18 (think of her album "When the Pawn..." and, in particular, the song "Love Ridden" to get the idea). Oh... I just remembered that I will have to build up my calluses again... ick. Oh well. As long as I get to make music again, I won't care. :D

One thing I don't have to ponder about... my love of soccer. Today was a BIG day for me in terms of soccer because my two favorite national teams, England and the United States, played a friendly against each other. As you can imagine, I did not root for one side to win -- I was cheering them both on! I was happy England won but I'm sad the U.S. lost. I'm stoked that Gerrard got a goal (he's quite possibly my favorite footballer/soccer player of all), especially since it's just 2 days before his birthday, but I'm bummed that Donovan didn't get his 100th cap because of an injury. What a weird situation but I enjoyed every minute of it. lol. Of course. I'm looking forward to next week's friendly -- U.S. vs Spain. Oh man, how I wish I could go to Spain for that game! I would've loved to have gone to London for today's game (and was actually planning on it before the darn recession dried up my savings account) as well. Well, good luck to the U.S. next game. I'm going to HOPEFULLY see the U.S. against Barbados in person in a few days. Plans are tentative. I have to see if I can blackmail a certain male friend of mine into going with me because I don't want to go by myself. lol. I'm kidding about the blackmailing but I will definitely have to work on him because I doubt he'll want to go. Well, too bad. lol. ;)

Yesterday I wrote about how I'd felt a strong connection to St. Maria Goretti. It's very true. It's been slowly building up for a few months but recently it's really hit me. It's not quite as strong as the connection I feel with the Blessed Virgin Mary or even with St. Teresa of Avila (I'm still amazed at the things I have in common with her), but it's there. I've watched a program on EWTN en Español about her life and it got me thinking about a lot of things. I recently read something about how feminists have an issue with St. Maria Goretti, as well as other martyrs of purity, because they represent sexism in the Catholic Church... as well as the importance of sexual abstinence over lust and premarital sex. I'm sorry, since when it being purity something bad? I didn't know we all had to be as oversexed as modern society seems to be. Oh wait... we DON'T have to! In fact, it's written in black and white that abstinence until marriage is the way to go as said by the Lord. Hmm... listening to God's word or listening to a society that's immoral... Gee, tough call! (and yes, I did just use sarcasm. lol). I am going to prepare myself for a fight because I KNOW this will come up at some point in my college career. I've already taken a Women's Studies course but I might take another and I want to be prepared to defend her as well as others who value purity over peer pressure. Bring it on, professors! And I know if my former Women's Studies professor were to read this, we would get into an argument. After all, she did call me a prude and make several jabs at me for being pure when I took her class.

Alright, well, I think that's enough torture of your eyes for tonight. lol. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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