It's That Time Again...

It's been a long time since I've done one of these. I think I'm averaging one every 2-3 years. Anyway, here are 10 facts you might've not known about me.

1. I was big into science as a kid... especially astronomy and dinosaurs. Going to the Griffith Observatory still reminds me of the first time I went and how stoked I was about learning about the planets. I also loved building models of dinosaur skeletons. I have to admit, I knew I had to save the article about the new director of the Vatican Observatory when I read it because I'm still interested in astronomy. Yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said I have nerd tendencies. lol.

2. I have a tendency to be "late to the party." I was one of the last people in my class to get a computer. I didn't have a cell phone until I was 19. I didn't get an iPod until I was 22-33. I didn't start driving / get my license until I was 25. I'm obviously not getting married nor having any children "young" (under 30) either. *shrugs* It is what it is. lol.

3. I've worn glasses since I was 6 years old but very few friends (especially those who met me after I turned 16) have ever seen me wear them. The reason for this is because I prefer contacts, especially when I know I'm going to be active (think hiking, running, playing a sport, etc.) or driving. Unless you catch me at home during one of my "introvert days," you probably will never see me wear them... at least not outside of pictures.

4. This one is for the ladies: I can't wear lipstick or, really, a lot of make-up. I have an odd skin tone that can range from being light and a bit pale (think more of the pink/yellow undertones) in the winter months to very much olive tone in the summer. I've never successfully found a lipstick that works for my complexion. Same goes for eyeshadow and foundation/power. It suits me just fine; I think I'm too low maintenance for a whole makeup routine anyway. lol.

5. I've "renounced my claim" to all Jane Austen heroes, including Henry Tilney and George Knightley. lol. I also came to realize I'm more of an Anne Shirley than I am a Jane Bennet / Anne Elliot. I still love Austen novels and one of my best friends still calls me Jane (after Jane Bennet) but I'm more likely to re-read the Anne books. This may or may not also mean I now pray for a Gilbert Blythe-type to make me swoon. I'm only half serious. lol.

6. I don't put much stock into those personality / temperament tests as I used to. Though I still get mostly INFP on the Myers-Briggs tests, I've gotten INTP or INFJ as well. As for the Four Temperaments tests, I can get either Phlegmatic-Sanguine or Phlegmatic-Melancholic. I think I'm a little too "outgoing" and silly for the Melancholic one. lol. Either I'm changing (which shouldn't influence the results; these tests are based on personality traits from birth) or the tests and traits are getting tweaked. Either way, I'm going to go with the first results: INFP and Phlegmatic-Sanguine because those sound the most like me.

7. I grew up being very superstitious because my dad was uber superstitious. In recent years I've been trying to make myself do things I was superstitious about. I'm now "fearless" about doing things I once considered bad luck... meaning I'll do it, unless trying it will land me in the hospital or in jail. lol.

8. For an introvert and someone who can easily get embarrassed, I definitely have my "homegirl no care" moments. Examples: I sing and dance in the aisles of stores, I sing and dance in my car, um... let's just say I sing and/or dance in a lot of places because I forget people are watching/listening to me.

9. I did the whole cheerleading/dancing/drill team thing up until freshman/sophomore year of high school. I've just always loved dancing and, really, I did whatever I could to avoid regular P.E. lol. It ended when 1) I had to choose between academics and drill team (I chose academics) and 2) then they gave us a cap with how many dance classes would count towards P.E. credits. If you're wondering, I've always been an introvert so I wasn't one of the girls everyone knew. I still did my own thing. Again, I did it to avoid regular P.E. lol.

10. One more for the "but you're an introvert" file: I did the whole choir / singing thing from childhood into my teens. I just liked doing it. As I got older I began gravitating more towards instruments (piano and guitar). Now: good luck hearing me sing and/or play an instrument. lol. I took the Anne Shirley route and went from being very talkative as a child to being a lot more reserved as I got older.

That's it. Now you know stuff you probably didn't care about about me. lol. ;)

Forgiving Those Who Caused My PTSD/Anxiety

If you're wondering why it took me so long to write, it's because I've had a terrible couple of weeks. Stomach issues (again), a crippling headache that lasted a week (and I'm feeling pressure in temples again today), and anxiety all decided that it would be fun to attack me at once. Fun! (For the record: I was told by one doctor that I had a migraine but apparently it wasn't a migraine? Second diagnosis was sinus headache along with tension from anxiety.) Today I've been hit by all three but I think I can handle them long enough to write a blog post so here it goes...

I'm on Day 4 of the Mary Undoer of Knots novena today. After my terrible week last week (which resulted in my going to the E.R. at 1 a.m. last Wednesday), I felt like it was the perfect time to start it. Last night's prayer involved my having to forgive those who have caused my anxiety and who have hurt me. I didn't even taking into consideration by high school bullies because I hadn't thought of them in years. As luck would have it, I saw the two primary ones today (no worries; they didn't see me) and, while my anxiety kicked into high gear, I was able to say the three words I never even considered saying before: "I forgive you."

See, when I was in high school I was sort of an outcast. I did bring part of that upon myself (I was a little bratty in my younger years) but even if I had adapted myself to my group of "friends", I would've felt out of place. I just simply never fit in... but  that's okay. Anyway, long story short: I developed social anxiety and had to leave regular public high school. I was enrolled in an independent study charter school (which was my favorite schooling experience to date) but even then, the bullies struck. One of them (the male; it was a young man and a young woman who were thick as thieves) came up with a fake username on AOL (yes, I'm that old; we had AIM back in the day, lol) and then tormented me online. He told me that I was a waste of space, I was a fat cow (when I was a size 00 due to the anti-anxiety medication's side effects), and that I needed to kill myself. "Do everyone a favor and kill yourself." As soon as I received the email, I printed it out and took it to the school's administration (even though I was no longer a student there). What did they do? Nothing. They did nothing. They shrugged it off and didn't bother to help me in any way. I put that behind me my senior year of high school (just as my dad was newly diagnosed with colon cancer) and I focused on my studies and my dad. I sort of forgot about it for a while because there was no contact.

Fast forward to about 11 years in the future (to today) and I finally saw him and the girl. I almost didn't recognize them but I knew it was them because of their names (which I'd forgotten until today). As soon as I saw them, I started sweating cold and shaking. My PTSD (which I now have as a double whammy due to the library incident a few weeks ago) kicked in and I started panicking... for a few seconds. I remembered the words from last night: "Before You, dearest Mother, and in the name of Your Son Jesus, my Savior, who has suffered so many offenses, having been granted forgiveness, I now forgive these persons...and myself, forever. Thank you, Mary, Undoer of Knots for undoing the knot of rancor in my heart and the knot which I now present to you. Amen."

I think it's so easy to hold onto a grudge or to a bad memory... but that holds us back. If there is one thing I learned from my spiritual director (well, in the past two months), it's that allowing yourself to be held back by these things -- not being able to forgive -- makes it easier for the Evil One to slip in and cause problems. As I reflected on these things, I said in all sincerity "I forgive you, *insert names of two bullies as well as teacher who humiliated me and young man who tried to force himself on me*. I forgive you for everything you did to me that caused me to develop anxiety." It was the most freeing thing I've done in a really long time.

Forgiveness is powerful. Literally minutes before my father died, I told him I forgave him for everything he'd done to me, whether intentional or not. I cried and he cried and I'm sure if he could've spoken (he could barely breathe at that point) things would've been better resolved. Either way, I think his death didn't hit me as hard as it did my mom because I was able to let go of it all in that moment. I am sure he needed to hear those words so that was my last gift to him on this earth.

I hope that by my allowing myself (because, like I said, it's much easier to hold a grudge or keep a victim mentality) to forgive these people, as well as others who have hurt me in the past, I can move on. I hope that one day, if I see them again, I won't feel sick to my stomach. For now I'm just grateful for the ability to forgive them. I never had the chance to even consider it before (this all happened prior to my reversion) but I do now.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with y'all. I've been wanting to blog but was kind of stuck on what to write about so... perfect timing for all of this to happen. :)

I hope y'all have been well. If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D