ER Trips, Mental Health, and Prayer Life Hiccups

 In less than 3 days I’ve been to the ER twice… and i might have an additional trip to make again on Thursday. But the multiple trips aren’t themselves why I’m struggling with both my prayer life & mental health. Let me explain for those not following me on Twitter (the only place I’m currently active on). 

I was in a lot of pain for most of last week. I thought I had accidentally injured a benign cyst near my rib cage while sleeping because the pain was tolerable. It didn’t look bigger than normal nor did it look red, according to my mom. I can’t see so I don’t know. The pain increased every day, as did the size of the cyst. I thought fluid had built up around it that would eventually go away on its own like it had on other cysts, most notably the one on my left eyebrow. The pain got really bad on days 3&4 and the cyst had grown twice its size from what I could tell based on touch. I suspected it was abscessed at that point. Mom said it had finally gotten red which I knew meant it definitely was infected. After not having working air conditioning for almost 2 weeks — and having gone through several days of triple digit weather — I wasn’t surprised the trapped oil & sweat had gotten infected. I was *glistening* (because women don’t sweat, lol) like a pig and had even gotten physically sick during those days because of how bad the weather was and how hot & humid our apartment had gotten. 

Knowing that it was an urgent matter — and not having an urgent care (that accepted my health insurance) close enough — I tried to get in to see my dermatologist sooner. There had been plans to have the sebaceous cyst surgically removed but he was completely booked and then he was going on vacation. So, off to the ER I went as I cannot have infections or any big stressors on my body for too long due to my adrenal insufficiency. 

Since I was there early in the morning (after my first dose of hydrocortisone), it wasn’t too bad. The only *bad* thing was the minor surgery to drain the infection and the subsequent drainage. Because of how sensitive the area was, it was excruciating. Also, because it was on the tissue, the lidocaine (localized anesthesia) didn’t work. I was in pain before — I couldn’t even breathe properly — but it was nothing like the pain I felt during the procedure. At the end I was in tears but it was best for me & my health so I endured it.

Side note: I’d started having lower than normal blood pressure in the days leading up to the ER trip and didn’t know it was a sign that my body was heading in dangerous territory that could’ve resulted in an adrenal crisis. Thankfully, the doctor gave me an emergency dose of a steroid to help prevent an adrenal crisis before I was discharged. My blood pressure was better yesterday at a separate medical appointment I had in the afternoon but I’ll have to keep checking it at home — with my portable blood pressure machine — because Saturday wasn’t the only date I endured a lot of pain… nor will it be the last.

As I mentioned, I headed back to the ER yesterday but this time for wound check and repacking. I’d tried to go after lunch — and after the big medical appointment I couldn’t miss or reschedule — but I had to come back home because I was ready to faint simply waiting to be registered. They had all the patients waiting outside in the heat. Yes, we were all under these small misting tents but they did nothing to help us. It was 104 degrees Fahrenheit, the tents were seemingly of not great material, and the wind blew the misting water away from where we were all sitting. At one point a woman with a small child angrily yelled for some water; it was a nightmare. Because I have a heat sensitivity, I get sick in temperatures over 83 degrees (we’ve tested it). I was ready to faint and get physically ill less than half an hour into waiting. Thankfully, a nurse helped me call my mom and a security guard placed a chair inside the triage area while I waited to be picked up. Since I *had to* get the wound repacked that day, I had to return to the ER after 9 p.m. — a suggestion by the nurse who helped me — since it’s after that time that the ER activity slows down quite a bit. And that’s what I did. As soon as I took my last dose of antibiotics for the day, we went back to the ER and I was there for about 2.5 hours, until a little after midnight. 

I think I would’ve endured the chaos of yesterday and the previous days a little better if I had gotten more sleep, was less stressed, and I’d gotten my prayers in. Or, really, if I’d not been thrown off so much by the sudden and unexpected changes. And I’ve had to make a lot of changes in a short amount of time.

My new endocrinologist placed me on a slightly different eating and medication schedule than the one I’d had for over a year and a half. It seems my former endo had not managed my situation well & I was taking my last dose of hydrocortisone (the life-sustaining med for my adrenal insufficiency) 4 hours later than I should have. I also shouldn’t have taken my first dose of hydrocortisone 2-3 hours after waking nor started taking the lunchtime dose as suggested by my former endo. The new endo suspects that that is the reason why I’m so tired all the time — the meds schedule was not following the normal rhythm of healthy adrenal glands. Now I have to eat breakfast and lunch an hour earlier, take hydrocortisone at completely different times, etc. I wouldn’t have minded too much except that now that this has thrown my prayer life off and I can tell how much not having a set prayer schedule affects me for the worse. 

I’m so thrown off by the new schedule that I unintentionally miss some Divine Office hours. Granted, I just started the new schedule AND have had unusually busy days due to the infection that developed so it may be temporary but it’s been hard. 

This was my former schedule:

6:30 a.m. - Wake up & Angelus & half of the Rosary.

6:45 a.m. - thyroid medication, Laudes & Prime.

7:20 a.m. - the rest of the Rosary & any novenas or other prayers I had going.

8:20 a.m. - Breakfast

9 a.m. - First dose of hydrocortisone & Terce

Noon: Angelus & Sext

12:45 p.m. - Lunch

1:30 p.m. - Second dose of hydrocortisone

3 p.m. - None & Mass

4:30 p.m. - Snack (necessary for my recovery; it’s not recommended I go more than 4 hours without eating unless it’s overnight while sleeping)

6 p.m. - Angelus & Vespers

8 p.m. - Dinner

9 p.m. - Last dose of hydrocortisone & Compline

10:40 p.m. - 11:15 p.m. - Bedtime

I would write, “read”, sleep, or do whatever I needed to do in between prayer and meal/meds time. It worked for me and it allowed me to have a good, steady rhythm to my day. But that changed this past Friday. 

My schedule *should* look like this from now on:

6:40 a.m. - Wake up & Angelus

6:45 a.m. - Thyroid med, Laudes, Prime, novenas or additional prayers being said

7:30 a.m. - Breakfast

8 a.m. - First dose of hydrocortisone

** for the next week only ** 9 a.m. - first dose of antibiotics & Terce

Noon - Lunch & Angelus

12:45 p.m. - Sext

3 p.m. - None

4:30 p.m. - Snack & last dose of hydrocortisone for the day

6 p.m. - Vespers 

8:00 p.m. - Dinner

** for the next week only ** 9 p.m. - second dose of antibiotics & Compline

10:30 p.m. - Bedtime

It looks doable… but I haven’t been able to do it because of the craziness. And no prayer = instability that affects my mental health.

I don’t do well with unexpected changes or anything I’m not expecting. My brain doesn’t do well with its overwhelmed or bombarded with unexpected stimulation. That may be why I developed adrenal insufficiency — too much stress all the time. That then either triggers crankiness or tears, with tears being my default. It’s always been this way. I could say a temperament thing but there is also the science behind how my brain processes things — especially with a disconnect between my HPA axis and adrenal glands and thyroid which control hormones. Yeah, adrenal insufficiency and a damaged HPA axis is a trip and affects all the body, brain (obviously) included.

Not having prayer to anchor me makes me much more susceptible to the stress and egocentricity that throws me off. Yes, I’ve been sick and my body has had the added stress of fighting an infection. Yes, it takes a while to get used to new schedules and way of life. Yes, I still have to figure out where I can squeeze the Rosary and Mass times since not only did my schedule change but my mother’s schedule also changed in order for her to help me with cooking (which I cannot safely do) and now I don’t have the same quiet or non-distracting environment I need to be able to concentrate on mental prayer and even lectio divina. 

If there’s anything these last 4 days since the changes and the unpredictability have shown me is that I *have to* figure out how to prioritize keeping Christ and prayer at the forefront or else I will get overwhelmed like I have lately. I need to figure out how and where to fit in a daily Mass and the Rosary, especially since I’m getting tired at the *right* times and once that hits, I cannot concentrate on anything. Once the kids go back to school and I’m able to have the first half of the day without the running and yelling in the hallways, I’ll be able to use that time for the Rosary and Mass before my brain checks out for the day. 

In the meantime, I’m going to pray when I can and try not beat myself over my current inability to concentrate due to my body getting used to a new medication schedule and healing from the infection. Operative word: try. Once I get rest and am in a better place — physically and mentally — I’m going to try to model my day according to the schedule of my family at Clear Creek Abbey. How they arranged their schedule actually works perfectly with my new schedule so I’m definitely going to try to follow it. 

And speaking of Clear Creek Abbey: after coming home from my first (of two) big medical appointment (that may help move my vocation discernment forward), I arrived home to find a mysterious package from the monastery. Someone — I have no idea who! — sent me a beautiful candle of Our Lady of Guadalupe. It almost melted in the heat (did I mention it was 104 degrees yesTeddy’s?) since we didn’t know something was arriving and thus couldn’t ask a neighbor to keep it out of the sun but it’s okay and it’ll definitely help with my plans to have a candle burning while praying and even when I want to sit in silence. Whoever sent it — thank you! God bless you. The timing was absolutely perfect for its arrival — just when I needed a little light in the midst of the chaos.

Anyway, it’s taken me almost 3 hours to write this (whoa!) so I’m going to give my mind a little rest before snack and my last dose of hydrocortisone for the day.

I hope you’re all having a lovely start of the week thus far! 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ☺️

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I’ve wanted to escape my hometown for as long as I can remember. I applied to universities out of state and abroad because I wanted to leave Los Angeles. I got close a couple of times — for university and even right before COVID hit and before I lost my eyesight and was diagnosed with secondary adrenal insufficiency. But things never panned out. 

I remember my former spiritual director being 100% supportive of my leaving but, when nothing ever worked out, him telling me that perhaps God simply wanted me to stay in L.A. It was difficult to accept because I did *not* want to stay.

Without getting too personal (as other people are involved), I wanted to leave because I wasn’t in a good place. I was surrounded by toxicity that was hurting me in more ways than one. That’s why my former SD and why other priests (and friends) who knew my situation were in favor of me packing up and moving away. I kept wondering why God wanted me to stick around when I was suffering. That question remained until I had a theory. 

Again, without getting into specifics, I believe I figured out that He wanted me to stay because I needed to repair and heal from those toxic relationships and I wouldn’t be able to do it as well if I just left. No amount of distance would heal those wounds. I would only be running away from them to keep from having to face them and deal with them. And that’s when it hit me that that’s my toxic trait — running away to not deal with the unpleasant. 

I don’t like conflict. I don’t like drama. I have been known to quite literally get up and physically leave if I’m feeling uncomfortable or don’t want to deal with whatever unpleasantness is brewing. That’s why I leave; why I jump ship on anything. It wasn’t until recently that it made me stop and go, “Why am I fleeing if we’re not meant for comfort on earth?”

I thought I had enough with my physical sufferings but it never dawned on me that perhaps that wasn’t the only thing God was asking me to endure and to learn to suffer in it better.

So, with those thoughts in mind, I’ve been wondering about what I’m going to do regarding my consecration (if it’s God’s will). I’ve not yet met with Archbishop Gomez because I’m still in a process that will remove the last big obstacle to my candidacy for consecrated virginity lived in the world. Once that gets resolved, all steam ahead. But what if I’ve also not moved forward because God no longer wants me here? 

With the way things are going in L.A. — and California in general — I no longer want to live here. Yes, it would be “running away” from the increasingly hostile environment but this time it would be a little different. I wouldn’t be leaving with any wounds. I wouldn’t be leaving to escape anything but poor living conditions. Politically and socially, L.A. and the majority of California is a wasteland. This state is absolutely beautiful when it comes to nature (coastlines, forests, mountains, the weather, etc) but it’s not a good place otherwise. Knowing that once my mother passes, I’ll have to fend for myself — and taking into consideration the potential dangers of a single woman with a visual impairment living on her own — I’m really trying to figure out what I should do.

Does God want me to stay in L.A. because I have something to offer this archdiocese? Will He finally grant me my desire to leave the state? And if so, where does He want me to go?

As a Benedictine oblate, I take stability seriously. As a CV I’ll also have to stay put as moving isn’t as easy as making the decision and physically moving. CVs have to talk to their bishops and then the bishop has to talk to the bishop of the archdiocese where the CV might potentially move, etc. It’s a big deal and process because stability is also important for us. Since I’ve not yet been consecrated or even been presented as a candidate, I can still be consecrated anywhere. There is still time before moving becomes more difficult. 

So, that’s where I am today. With my current case coming closer to an end — I might see a decision made as soon as early August — I have to be more intentional about praying about where God wants me. Where can whatever I have to offer be best used? Where am I needed? If He wants me here, I’ll simply have to continue accepting that I’m stuck here for reasons I may never know while on this earth. If He wants me to leave, I pray it’ll be clear to me. I have a couple of places I’d consider moving to but only God knows.

Anyway, I think I’m going to try to get a little nap in. Neighbors have been noisier than usual at night and in the wee hours of the morning and I’ve been incredibly physically fatigued for some reason. Maybe it’s the heat and the fact that our central air conditioning isn’t working well? *shrugs* I have my first endocrinology appointment with my new doctor tomorrow morning so maybe she can shed some light on potential causes if it’s not from poor sleep.

I hope you are all having a lovely day so far! Happy feast of St. Thomas More (one of my all-time favorite saints) to all! 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ☺️

P.S. Blogger nor Google is allowing me to respond to any comments left on the blog so please excuse me if I haven’t been able to reply. It’s not that I don’t want to; they’re just not letting me. But I read them and wish I could have discussions with y’all! 

Our Lady of Knock and My Addiction

 

Our Lady of Knock (and the reintroduction of my Claddagh ring on my ring finger) has done something that’s been missing for years — a renewed interest in Ireland. Not only that, she is who I’m going to need to help me fight my increasingly obvious addiction.

Now, I should say that I never truly lost my Hibernophile ways. I’ve loved Ireland for as long as I can remember. I always looked forward to St. Patrick’s Day. Up until last month, I also did as much work on the family tree as I could to see if we had any Irish ancestry because we have many blue-eyed, auburn-haired, freckled people in my immediate family, including my very ginger-haired middle brother. The closest I got to a potential Irish ancestor was my 7x-great grandmother Barron on my father’s side of the family but since I can’t locate any official documents to confirm it — and she’s too distant to claim any Irish ancestry — I’ll simply hope she was of Irish descent. It sounds silly but I love Ireland so much that I do hope I have even the smallest bit of Irish blood running through my veins.

I think what waned my interest was the passing of Irish laws that made this formerly strong Catholic nation a shadow of its former self. I heard about the state of the Catholic Church in Ireland, saw what people were doing and saying… and that just disappointed me deeply. That’s when I stopped keeping track of what was going on in Ireland.

Recently, I started watching a show produced for Irish Catholics that is aired on EWTN Europe (I’ll watch their feed instead of the American one sometimes) and it started renewing my interest in the Emerald Isle. I started hearing of how some Irish Catholics are working hard to fight the increasing secularism that is eroding Catholic values. Then I watched a special program on Our Lady of Knock and it brought back memories of the deep love I have for Ireland. But, most importantly, the program made me realize just how much Our Lady of Knock is the title of Our Lady I most need in my life right now.

Our Lady of Lourdes is quite possibly my favorite apparition of Our Lady (and this year has been a very French Catholic themed year for me; I’ll blog about this in the future) but Our Lady of Knock is the most relevant for one big reason: her silence.

Someone correct me if I’m wrong but I believe that Our Lady of Knock has been the only approved Marian apparition that has been silent. There was no big message; it was simply her presence along with that of St. Joseph, St. John the Evangelist, and the Lamb )Christ). Though it all happened in silence, it was a powerful apparition that I’ve only begun to dismantle in terms of the symbolism and how it personally touches my heart. As I said, I think it’s because of the silence that it’s been the most relevant to me at this point in my life.

With my month off of Instagram (day 18 today), my desire to detach myself more from social media and from speaking unnecessarily (a very Benedictine thing), and wanting to repair and renovate the interior garden of my heart, Our Lady of Knock is my perfect companion. I can ponder her silence… which spoke volumes. It very much reminds of St. Joseph whose words were never recorded in the Bible but whose life was a model of virtue and humility. I can spend so much time just musing about it on this blog but it’ll make the entry even longer so I’ll just say that I have a feeling Our Lady of Knock has entered the chat because of how much I’m struggling with the silence and the detachment.

No, I don’t actually miss Instagram nor am I counting down the days until my self-imposed IG fast is over. Instead, I’ve noticed that I’m struggling with simply sitting in silence. I think I wasn’t actually addicted to IG itself but rather to distraction and noise. Why do I say this? Because I’ve found other things — noisy things — to replace IG. Yes, I’m being more careful with what I’m consuming in terms of music and entertainment (as I said in the previous post) but I’m still consuming too much of it. If I don’t have music on, I have something in the background. I feel so uncomfortable in silence, which is strange for an HSP (highly sensitive person) and someone who needs as limited stimulation as possible to help heal my HPA axis. 

What am I afraid of? I don’t know, but I’m going to have to find out. I cannot keep a constant stream of noise going on. Perhaps that’s what’s feeding my mental fog and my inability to concentrate; the constant bombardment of noise in my life. And when I say “constant” I mean even when I’m trying to sleep as I have gotten into the habit of having a fiction audiobook playing when trying to fall asleep. Enough is enough. I need to knock (pun intended) this addiction to noise out of my life and I think Our Lady of Knock will be perfect for this.

I found the beautiful prayer card my friend Allison sent me a couple of years ago (pictured above) and I fully intend to have one of our blessed Candlemas candles lit in front of it when I try to have some quiet time. I know it won’t be easy and I know it’ll be incredibly uncomfortable for me but I also know that I’ll have Our Lady with me, helping me get through it. I’ll start small (15 minutes) and increase the time in silence as time goes. This won’t be a short-term plan/goal as I know just bad things are but that’s okay. Things that are worth doing will be hard and take time.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts bouncing around in my mind.

It’s still early in the day (not even 10:30 a.m.) but I’m feeling physically exhausted so I’m going to try to take a nap while it’s still relatively quiet. My neighbors were making a ruckus until very late last night so I didn’t get great sleep.

I hope you all have a lovely start of the weekend! 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ☺️

I’m Not Well But I’m Grateful

 I have a confession to make: I’ve not been well. I haven’t been well for months. This is something I don’t really talk about in public as much as I used to but it’s been an ongoing reality that has been placed on my heart as something I should share.

I’ve been on a cycle of mini relapses for months. I say “mini relapses” because they’re stuff I can wait out at home for. Except for that ER trip in January that my former endocrinologist asked me to make to get an emergency dose of hydrocortisone to prevent an adrenal crisis after being unable to eat for almost 2 weeks, I haven’t gone to the hospital since I was released from the last in-patient stay in November 2020. We *have* had to call the paramedics a couple of times just to make sure I wasn’t going through an adrenal crisis but, thankfully, I’ve been able to stay at home. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy.

I’m pretty much in bed all day, every day. I do get breaks in between relapses — a couple of days at a time — in which I have a chance to do a little extra exercise (dancing is my preference) and get outside for fresh air and sunlight (when I can do so without worrying about being in anyone’s way as I can’t easily move out of the way… or know when someone is coming my way). But, for the most part, I’m at home and in bed. 

I pray. A lot. I get all Hours in except for Matins because I try to stick to a regular and early-ish bedtime. I read (or “read”/listen to audiobooks). I write, though I haven’t been able to work on novel four for almost 2 months now; not since this last relapse started. I think. A lot. I try to keep my stress levels as low as possible and I’ve learned to let go of the guilt I felt for extra sleep when my body asks for rest. I eat as well as I can and I stay on a regular eating schedule since I have two different medications, one of which I take 3 times per day (for my secondary adrenal insufficiency). Sticking to that somewhat “rigid” schedule has helped me out a lot but I still have my really hard days. Today is one of them.

This morning I was trying to pray Terce while shaking and sweating cold, lightheadedness making it near impossible to concentrate on the words. And it’s not the first time I’ve had to do that. I’ll be praying and fighting off an intense fatigue that rarely wins but also rarely helps me concentrate. I’ll be trying to do xyz while feeling abc. Debilitating migraines. Intense physical pains and aches. Physical weakness. Lightheadedness. Visual ping-pong. Etc. I try to do what I can and not beat myself over something I can’t do. I do my best and trust that God knows I’ve given all I can.

My bedside table is full with an EpiPen, a box of tissues, a portable blood pressure machine, a large weekly pill box with all the medications I take, the bottles of medications, and all the water I’ll need to drink for the day for the medication. But it also has a pocket radio, the olive wood Rosary beads I got as a present to myself to commemorate my Final Act of Oblation at Clear Creek Abbey, and I have a Benedictine crucifix and a picture of St. Joseph hanging on the wall next to it. It’s a beautiful mix of physical and spiritual needs being met. 

I wish I could say that I’ve been getting to daily Mass but I haven’t. I actually haven’t been to a physical Mass since October 27th of last year. Yes, I remember the day. Except for the couple of days I was at Clear Creek Abbey and was able to attend Mass and even pray alongside my brother monks multiple times a day in the crypt last summer, the number of times I’ve been able to attend a physical Mass since my diagnoses in late 2020 have been a handful. It’s depressing and part of that has fed my feelings of being an inadequate Catholic — and of not being worthy of being a future bride of Christ — when I went through the spiritual desert and when I endure spiritual attacks (which I always bring to my SD to make sure they’re actual attacks and not a medical thing). I do watch the daily Mass on EWTN, even if I do end up unable to fight off the intense fatigue and sleep through the second half of it. I try. Hard.

I think I don’t write or talk about this as much anymore because I’ve accepted it as part of my life. I used to fight being seen as the “sick one”

In my friends group because I didn’t want to seem weak or unlovable. But I’ve found so much strength in my weakness and illnesses. It’s when I feel closest to God. It’s when I feel like I’m learning to let go and trust God… and I think this is the biggest reason why I don’t talk about it. 

I used to tweet when I felt very sick out of fear. I used to ask for prayers because I was terrified of what would happen to me. Not so much anymore. Yes, I will worry when some symptoms are so bad that I think it may be a sign of a potential adrenal crisis but, for the most part, I try to stay calm and trust that God will make sure I have the help I need when I need it. I trust that the Holy Spirit will enlighten my mind to know what to do (e.g. call the paramedics or not; go to the ER or not). I trust that whatever happens will happen because it’s God’s Will for me. 

If it’s God’s will for me to be sick, I trust that it’ll bring good fruits, even if it’s not for me. If this is temporary or if this will my biggest life-long cross, only He knows. I’ll just have to keep trusting that He will continue to give me the graces necessary to endure it all. 

And I’m so very grateful for what I do have. I have a roof over my head. I have food in my stomach. I have clothing to keep me covered and warm. I have amazing family and friends who look out for me. I have an amazing SD who should be canonized just on all he’s had to go through with me and my cotton-headed ninny-muggins-ness. lol. I’m so incredibly blessed that the suffering seems like nothing.

And, yes, I trust that if Christ wants me to be His bride as I so deeply believe He does, I know this will not be an impediment to making the consecration a reality. As I wrote a couple of weeks ago, there are a couple more obstacles (one of which was unforeseen) that I need to be patient about before the next step. I’ll wait for it as long as I have to since it will change nothing about my life except having the official title (if God is truly calling me to the vocation of being a consecrated virgin living in the world). I’m already living life as I would as a professed CV and Jesus has my heart.

Anyway, just wanted to share this little update with y’all. I’m not physically well but I’ll be okay otherwise. I see the blessings in all the pain and suffering and it’s a beautiful way to live life. I know, it sounds weird but that’s how I feel and what I think. L

I hope you’re all having a lovely week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! ☺️

The Reason I Was Plunged into the Spiritual Desert; the Inspiration for the Great Purge

 I’m going to preface this by saying that these are things I’ve had to do for myself because they are what affect me personally. I’m in no way judging you if you do or consume these types of things; they simply detract from what is true, good, and beautiful for me. 

Remember when I said I had close to 11k photos on my phone? After weeks of deleting, I’m down to 681. This isn’t the final count as I’m going to wait until I print photos for a photo album but this is the number after deleting so many other pictures. I won’t be deleting more until after I print the remaining ones but, goodness, that’s about 94% of what I started off with, gone. Yes, I did the math because “nerd!” lol. 

It still boggles my mind that I had all that clutter just in the photos folder. I haven’t even tackled the files folder where all those new audiobooks (the monthly $5 audiobook sales on TAN Books are deadly for my wallet) are waiting for me. Once I listen to them, I’ll delete the downloads; I’ve uploaded the files on an online cloud for safe keeping.

The digital clutter will be more overwhelming to tackle because I don’t have many physical things. Books are probably my biggest collection of things I’m paring down. Big bookworm over here. I have a ton of books I’ll never need or be able to read again so I’ll find nice homes for those books with friends first and then my parish family and lastly the local library if no one else wants whatever is left over. Clothes? I tend to only have what I need and I’ll wear them until they’re worn thin or no longer fit. I don’t have much else after that simply because I don’t like physical clutter.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I’m going to talk about the reasoning behind this from a different side than what I’d previously written.

See, it started during that intense 5-months-long journey through the spiritual desert that only ended right before Lent of this year. I found myself being unable to concentrate in prayer (though I had a little 33-day break when I did both the Marian consecration and Divine Mercy consecration renewals leading up to my Benedictine Oblation renewal). I just went through the motions and tried to distract myself when I wasn’t praying the Divine Office or the Rosary. I had so many ugly, intrusive thoughts that were bombarding my mind all the time; things that made me question my vocation and even my faith. I was also going through a health relapse so distractions became my thing.

I worked on novel four at the time and immersed myself in the research. The only big spoiler I can give is that music plays a big part in the plot of the novel. I spent most of my free time learning more from those in the music industry, observing them and taking notes. I started listening to the one broad genre I had never really liked but the one in which all those I was spending time with were involved in: Latin Pop. 

I thought I was in a smarter place than I was in my pre-reversion days; that I would be more immune to some of the pitfalls. Oh, how wrong I was. While it’s true that I was able to come out of the the experience less traumatized than I did in my pre-reversion days, i didn’t come out of it unscathed… and my spiritual life took the beating. 

The people? Very nice, lovely people… who are very steeped in worldly things and some were (as i later found out) dabbling in the occult. Before i get into that big problem , let me just say that I don’t know why i never liked Latin pop… or music in Spanish in general. 

I mean, I’m Hispanic; Mexican-American with Spanish ancestry. Spanish was technically my first language because my parents didn’t speak much English when I was a baby but I did grow up being bilingual and started learning English even before I went to kindergarten. Even though I did hear music in Spanish growing up — and I did gravitate towards the Spanish and classical guitar — I was simply never into music in Spanish. I was never really big into Mexican culture either. I learned how to dance folkloric dances (like this: https://youtu.be/-x0vKSO29N4). I love a good Cantinflas movie. I love the food (lol). Otherwise, I just never really felt connected to my Mexican (or Spanish) roots. I didn’t like the films that weren’t in black and white. I really didn’t like the music that wasn’t from the early 1960s and earlier (“Cien años” by Pedro Infante, anyone?; https://youtu.be/DMrWB0L4Ti8). So I was surprised when I not only started listening to modern Latin pop… but also liking it.

Now, I still don’t like it all. This remains a “no reggaetón” household because the lyrics and the dances tend to be vulgar. I’m sorry it that offends anyone but it’s the truth. There’s nothing chaste or modest in the lyrics or the culture. But I did find myself like some of the artists and songs in the broad Latin pop genre. The more time I spent with the musicians making this music, the more I like the songs… and probably because of the people. And I think it was because of who the people were away from the music that I overlooked the content in the music.

To be fair, I’ve always been the type of person who listens to the music (melody) first and doesn’t pay attention to the songs until much, much later. I also don’t get the double entendres right away. My mind just doesn’t automatically jump to that until either someone points it out or until I’ve paid attention to the lyrics long enough to “get” it. I have a very “innocent mind” that way and I’m okay with that. It wasn’t any different with these songs.

I started getting into songs I would use for my vocal exercises. I had my duetting partners who had amazing voices that both humbled me and left me in awe. Most of the songs were in English and the content wasn’t problematic but being introduced to other music by the artists I was spending time with was. I mean, it took me a solid 3 months to figure out that “Formentera” by Aitana and Nicki Nicole was a song talking about the marital act outside of marriage. I liked the melody so I paid attention to that. Then the lyrics came and… big fat NOPE. Is it embarrassing to admit that it took me that long to pay attention to super obvious lyrics that were straightforward in their content? Yes, but, again, that’s just how my mind has always worked. 

And it was like that across the board with all the other songs. I was shocked with how immodest the majority of contemporary Latin pop is. And it’s not simply Latin pop. It’s the majority of the music… and the movies… and the shows… out today. In fact, popular culture keeps churning out content that gets worse and worse. 

But the people! The people are still very nice… but they are dabbling in things that are not compatible with the faith. The girlfriend of my male duet partner — who is also a musician — started talking about how she uses numerology and a psychic to help her career. The female duet partner I had became vocal about her support for abortion “rights” and other things contrary to the faith. An artist I admired who spoke openly about his Christian faith was also doing a lot of things tied to Hinduism and other occult practices that are trendy but open doors to the demonic. His wife even got a “belly blessing” from a “henna witch” to “bless” the baby in her womb (now a few months old). This is not me passing judgment on them as people but it made me keenly aware of how one thing fed the other.

So what came first, the chicken or the egg? The music and the content being made that led to more occult practices or the occult practices that led to the music being produced? I don’t know. I can’t speak for them. I idn’t even stick around much longer after my eyes were open to find out. All I know is that, for me, it was the external affecting the interior… and what caused me to be plumged into that spiritual desert.

The music i was listening to was influencing the way the storyline in book 4 was heading… and I hated it. The people I was spending time with although nice in many ways were unintentionally pushing me further away from the true, good, and beautiful. When I saw the correlation between the two, I knew I had to distance myself from it… which led to the great purge.

I want to get rid of everything that could potentially trigger another one of these big “spiritual relapses” in me. Again, this is something that I’m doing for myself. I know my limits. I know what can and cannot affect me and how, though I’m constantly learning more on this front. Obviously. I want to be even more vigilant about the media I consume because I’ve seen just how “one little thing” can do a lot of damage. 

The getting rid of photos was also important for me because I still have/had a lot of physical memories of my pre-reversion days. A lot of pictures with celebrities and from various places with various people who would impress those who embrace the celebrity culture but don’t know just how incredibly shallow and empty it all truly is.

So, back to listening to mostly instrumental music (and trying to give Opera a chance) and podcasts like Poco a Poco by the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal on Spotify. Back to classic literature, unproblematic non-fiction, and whatever fiction books are vetted by people I trust to steer me in the right direction. Back to taking a break from places — like Instagram — which will be time-wasters that also double as temptations to consume more for the sake of knowing and feeding my natural curiosity.

Anyway, I think that’s all I can say about this topic before I start repeating myself. 

It was 98 degrees (“but it feels like 101”) when I checked the weather half an hour ago so I’m going to try to rest in the darkened living room, with the central AC on, a fan placed in my direction, and the “Rain Rain” app playing the “Forest Rain” sound so I can pretend it’s cooler than the 83 degrees it is inside the apartment. Did I mention that’s with the central AC and a fan on at the same time? Yes, it’s that hot! It’s Ember Friday so no Classical music for me or else I’d probably have that on as well.

I hope you’re all doing well.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

The Beginning of the Great Purge

 I’ve been trying to become more intentional with what I do, what I say, and what I own because clutter is creating both exterior and interior noise that is affecting me on so many different levels and especially my spiritual life.

That’s not to say I’m anywhere near where I should be. That little “this is an A & B conversation so C your way out of it” comment i wrote on Twitter recently was far from being my best moment, no matter what that person’s intention was.

It started with deleting more than 90% of the photos on my phone. They weren’t all recent; some are from almost 20 years ago. I had close to 11k photos. You read that right. I’m currently down to about 1,050 and still have more to delete. Granted, most of those photos were actually screencaps of IG posts and other information I had every intention of placing into my notes and deleting… but I never got around to doing it until these last 2-3 weeks. After all that information purge, I plan on printing the photos I want to keep (some that I won’t be sharing publicly and some I’ve already shared and want to keep a memory of) and keeping them in a photo album. My optic nerve atrophy may be permanent and I may never be able to see them properly again but that doesn’t mean I can’t have three around to share with others. 

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have books, music, paperwork (especially coursework from when I was studying to become a speech-language and pathologist), clothing that no longer fits or is old, all the digital clutter on my phone and social media feeds, etc to get through. It’s just one massive purge that will take me a long time to get through. 

I’ve not exactly embraced a minimalist mindset, at least not in the trendy secular sense. I’m not doing it for aesthetic purposes. I’m not doing it because it’s the “cool” thing to do. I’m not doing it because I want to rebel against our increasingly materialistic society. I’m doing it because, as I said, it affects me.

I get distracted very easily unless I’m absolutely immersed in something I’m interested in. Sometimes alarms will go off or my mom will say something but because I’m laser-focused on something, I won’t hear anything. Other times I’m like Dug in Up! (“Squirrel!”) and I miss a lot of important things. I’ve especially noticed this during Mass. 

At the moment, because of my health, I’ve been watching Mass through streaming via EWTN. Except for Holy Saturday (before I found out EWTN has their daily Mass available for streaming On-Demand) and my birthday (because I had unexpected visitors and my day was filled with unexpected things), I’ve not missed a single daily Mass in months. But just because I don’t miss a Mass doesn’t mean I’m present. It’s been an uphill battle to stay focused. I think I’m going to have to wear an eye mask during the Mass so other things won’t catch my eye or wear my chapel veil and keep the TV or tablet screen directly in front of me so I can focus on it. Yes, I’m visually impaired and everything is blurry but I can still see colors and shapes so things will more easily catch my eye than it I could see clearly. Don’t ask me how it’s possible but that’s my new reality. 

My phone has become a huge distraction for me as well. I didn’t realize how I attached i was to it until a friend’s daughter pointed out that I took my phone everywhere with me, even when I had no need of it. This is a whole ‘mother story (in a nutshell: it became my security blanket when I was completely in the dark and my health was worse; it was my way of feeling safe as I could use to to contact anyone in an instant) and I’m making baby steps to detach myself from it but to make that even easier for me, I’ve had to eliminate distractions. I had already disabled all social media and app notifications. My phone is almost always on “do not disturb” mode. But even with all those things — and using the Freedom app to completely block all apps and websites during specific hours — it wasn’t enough. I can’t not use my phone as it’s my biggest ally as a visually impaired person (God bless the inventor(s) of the accessibility features) and I can’t use a “dumb phone” but I can do other things. 

This is why I started purging photos, why I’m offloading apps I rarely use but occasionally need, why I’ve deleted most “entertainment” apps (I’ll include a screen cap of the apps I’ve kept), and why I also decided to take a month-long break from Instagram. After all, IG was where I was getting all my information (remember the 10k+ screen caps I’ve already deleted?) and what I’d become disorderly attached to. Twitter is too overwhelming for me but IG I can handle… and that was a problem. So, I deleted the app completely instead of just offloading it. I do have an excuse to log in — to make sure I’m following accounts that will only add and not subtract truth, goodness, and beauty into my life — but I’m not going to use that excuse to log in. It can wait. It must wait. 

I’ve not completely eliminated all forms of entertainment but I’m trying to be more careful with what I consume. I download the podcast episode I want to listen to. I use my battery-operated pocket radio to listen to Classical KUSC (now renamed Classical California). I download the books and audiobooks onto the Kindle, Audible, and Overdrive apps. We’ve hooked up the TV in the living room (where I spend almost all my day) with a Roku so I can watch/listen to EWTN programs and the daily Mass. I have Disney+ for a month (a birthday gift) so the app has been activated. This is done to not have to rely on my phone or tablet for these types of entertainment; thus eliminating the urge to use the browser or other apps for other things. I turn off the wifi at least twice a day (granted, this is to limit EMF exposure) which will limit what I do on my phone and tablet as I need wifi for anything new on the tablet and I don’t get a lot of data per month on my basic phone plan. All done intentionally.

There’s more but this post is getting very long so I’ll post a part two soon. The part two will have more concrete examples of what I’ve had to get rid of and why and will be more focused on the spiritual aspect of the purge. This was more of a “practical facts” based post. For now I’ll say that this great purge is 100% necessary and I’ve already started seeing the early fruits of it. I’ll “blame” (thank) St. Francis of Assisi and Bl. Carlo Acutis if all of this helps me detach myself from things I’ve not successfully gotten rid of yet. 

Anyway, it’s going to be another hot late Spring day (I refuse to call it summer but it technically is) so I’m going to post this and then shut off the WiFi  until I watch the Mass. On the practical side, it’ll help us save the extra electricity cost from the wifi since we’ll have to have our central AC on all day. And on a more spiritual level, it’ll force me to embrace more silence for this Ember Wednesday. 

I hope you’re all doing well. ☺️

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!