Smoke and Fire, The Novel That Complicated My Life for 2 Years

"I'm going to work on it again, so please say a prayer for me."

This is what I would tell my closest friends (and sometimes everyone on social media) every time I worked on the third novel, Smoke and Fire. Why did I do this? Because something would always happen when I worked on it... and it usually involved my health.

For two years and two months, June 2017-August 2019, I would have a number of things happen when I worked on the novel. The more I worked on it, the more things happened. All those ER trips and new health issues? Yep, all happened either the day after or within 2-3 days of work on it. Sometimes I would get so sick that I would have to abandon it for months at a time... and that's when I enjoyed feeling and being my healthiest in that time frame. That is why it took me 2+ years to complete it.

The bulk of the ending and editing process? I started it in early June of this year and I finished it this month? Guess when my health got worse after a good health spell.

Of course, it could all be a coincidence. Maybe something I was writing was triggering health symptoms... I mean, swelling in my heads, my brain, dehydration, a fatty liver (oh, yes, I just found out I have that as well), anemia, and all the other health issues can be caused by mental health triggers, right?

At one point during the process, I had the opportunity to talk to a well-known apologist about my situation after a friend suggested I might be experiencing spiritual oppression. He said he didn't think it was oppression, per se, but that he wouldn't be surprised if I didn't have a bulls-eye target on my back because of what my work (and the novel) is about.

See, I write these novels because I was inspired to write something that, quite frankly, could be read without having to go to the confessional afterward. The majority of the young adult and "new adult" (college-aged readers) books out there are filled with smut. I've had to abandon many books during my research of what's popular because they either start with the character in bed with someone or it gets to the point where it reads like softcore porn or "mommy porn" as books such as 50 Shades have been dubbed.

As a woman, I find this insulting. Surely I'm capable of enjoying a book that doesn't ramp up the vulgar sexy times in order to keep me entertained. Jane Austen didn't do that and her novels have been around for over 200 years, still amassing fans literal centuries after they were first published. I'm not saying that I'm anywhere near Jane's level of talent -- no! I have a long way to go before I can ever hope of reaching that level.

When I explained to the apologist about how I liked writing for my demographic -- young women who were strong in their faith -- he said that I would undoubtedly get attacked for it. He gave me suggestions on what I could do before writing (read Psalm 91, keep holy water nearby) and with that, I tried to finish the novel. I kept remembering his words -- the more I write things that go against the norm (that won't pervert young readers' minds), the more I could be attacked. Add the fact that I attend solely Latin Masses (the devil hates Latin) and, well, bulls-eye city. With that in mind, I become determined to finish the novel... and I eventually did.

Now that it's published... let's see what happens.

If you're wondering a possible reason for why the attacks (if you believe they were spiritual attacks) came on so strong... I don't know. Or, I have theories but I don't know for sure if I'm correct.

Theory one: I wrote something that is big in youth culture -- fame and celebrity worship. That's all I'm going to say without giving away any spoilers. I'm sure, from the novel description, you already figured out that it had to do something with that. As someone who dabbled in the "biz" in my teens into early 20s, I got to see a bit of what it's like. To this day, I still get glimpses of what that world is like. Of course, I don't mainly focus on that but it touches on it... and gives an alternative view of it.

Theory two: I address something else that is a big problem that I've seen more often than I'd like but one that I've rarely seen addressed. Again, not saying what it is but let's just say it goes along with the warning from Our Lady that the last battle would be on the family. That's all I'm going to say.

I'm not saying my book is groundbreaking. I'm not even saying it's good; you have to be the judge of that yourself. I'm just saying that I wrote something that I felt called to write and I wrote it. It may not sell as well as my first two novels. It may not be as well received. But, if I can make a difference to one single person's life by helping them in the smallest way, it's going to be worth two years of obstacles.

So, what is this novel that caused so much trouble? Introducing: Smoke and Fire.

Synopsis: A summer trip to London to be a part of her best friend's wedding. That was all Isabella "Izzy" Galvan looked forward to. Yes, her two best friends were well-known actors so she wouldn't be doing the typical touristy things. No one would pay the slightest bit of attention to her if they went out in public, but she didn't mind that. At all. In fact, having that anonymity was something that she fiercely clung to. The important thing was that she would be away from home; away from the ordinary (and oftentimes maddening) life she lived in the unglamourous suburbs of Los Angeles. There would be nothing but two months of spending time with her best friends, helping with any last-minute wedding details that popped up, and being a part of the wedding before returning home. Or, at least, that was the plan. Of course, when your closest friends are constantly in the spotlight, nothing ever goes as planned. That is especially true when everyone is hiding secrets that will change everything -- and every one -- for better or worse.

The book is now out on Amazon, both the Kindle and the paperback versions.

Kindle version: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07X5SK53F
Paperback version: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1717182992?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

Anyway, that is the story of how Smoke and Fire came to be. If you're interested in reading it, please feel free to do so.

And that is it for now. I hope to write again soon. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

When Life Goes Crazy and God Disappears

Yes, I know; it's been over a month since my last blog post.

Life has been... an adventure.

There have been multiple doctor appointments and still more to come.

There have been trips to hospitals, including an ambulance ride to the emergency room when I had chest pains that were so bad that they made my entire left side go numb; the EMTs wanted to make sure I wasn't having any heart-related issues. They turned out to be muscle spasms that I've still felt as recently as yesterday.

There have been plans to move forward in a couple of areas in my life... all while dealing with health issues.

Ah, yes... the ever-present health issues. While my platelets were within the normal range for the first time in over a decade for two (yes, two) blood draws, the anemia has gotten a bit worse.

I've also been waking up and going "blind" for a couple of minutes in the morning. It usually takes me to the end of the second or (more frequently) third Rosary mystery before I can see enough to keep going on with my day. I have an ophthalmology appointment on the 15th -- the feast of the Assumption -- to hopefully begin figuring out what's been going on these last couple of months.

And, to top it off, I'm either allergic to a big staple in my diet or it just ups my histamine levels which made me perpetually congested and teary-eyed until I stopped eating it a week ago. Why, potatoes? Why?! So, now I'm down to only two things that I can eat: chicken and corn tortillas. Can we say "malnutrition deficiencies"? Since I have major food allergy PTSD (it's no fun to feel your throat get swollen or like you can't breathe right after you've eaten something that has never made you sick before), it's going to take a lot of courage to try new foods while dealing with the fears I have of potentially having a severe allergic reaction. It thankfully hasn't happened yet -- my reactions have been mild to perhaps slightly moderate-ish so far  -- my doctors are having me carry an EpiPen wherever I go. Fun, right?

Are we seeing the adventure part, yet? Yes, it's been a wild ride.

Throughout all of this, I'm ashamed to admit that I fluctuate between trusting God and forgetting He's even here. This is straight-up, real talk.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own fears that I forget Who ultimately has control of the situation. While I was amazingly calm during the chest pain/spams ordeal -- to the point where the doctors ruled out anxiety as a cause for the chest pains; I was praying the Rosary while going through the spasm pains -- I've had moments of pure panic where God isn't even in the back of my mind. And it's not like I even distrust that God has my back; I just forget because I'm so wrapped up in myself. It's absolutely horrible.

Lately, I've been wondering if I've gone through all of this as a sort of test. Not that God is testing my love for Him. It's more like God is allowing these trials to help me try to keep Him on my mind more often; to help me realize what areas of my life I need to work on to better my relationship with Him and strengthen my faith. Just looking back at how many times I didn't even think about Him versus how many times I remembered that God was in control has been an eye-opener. I have a lot to work on but I'm prepared to do that work.

All of this has always made me even more acutely aware of how much I am missing the Sacraments. How many times have I gone to Mass in the past 9 weeks? Once... at the retreat... because the chapel was literally downstairs and I could take the elevator down from where my room was and walk, even while dizzy and lightheaded and feeling faint, to it. Now that I'm back home and my health has slowly regressed and I have no one who can potentially drive me to Mass and feel comfortable enough help steady me if I feel a little lightheaded when standing up? No Mass for Emmy. Sometimes I'm too weak to even get out of bed, let alone walk downstairs or even drive to the nearest parish.

And, of course, that also means it's been that long since I've been to confession as well. I've had two mini spiritual direction meetings since but I haven't had a proper confession in weeks. My heart longs for it. I don't like being away from the Sacraments. I don't like missing Mass. I intensely dislike not having been to confession since shortly after my birthday in late May. The longer these things go on, the more distant and muddled my relationship with God feels.

I, thankfully, have moments of consolation where I feel God's presence, His mercy and love, in my life but those are infrequent and never last long enough. It's like I've taken up residence in the middle of the desert... in the middle of summer... during the worst heatwave ever recorded in the area. It's just plumb awful. Of course, just because I don't feel His presence doesn't mean He's not there. His existence isn't based on my dull human feelings. Intellectually, I know that... but it's still hard and it makes the struggle through the spiritual dryness even harder to get through.

I know that we all go through these rough periods in our lives and especially in our spiritual life. I know that great saints have gone through years or even decades (St. Teresa of Calcutta, anyone?) where they receive no consolation during their "dark nights of the soul." Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to feel that closeness with God ever again... but, regardless, I still keep going. I mean, I feel like a fraud most of the time (again, this is real talk, y'all) because I haven't been able to attend Mass or confession but I'm still trying to do the little bits I can do.

I'm still praying the Benedictine Office throughout the day. I still have my list of daily prayers I pray, including the (much needed) Litany of Humility. I still pray the Rosary daily. I still pray for those who ask for prayers; for those whom I love and care for. I still try to do the right thing even though, the longer I go without the Sacraments, the harder it is to not fall into temptation and occasionally slip up. Still, that somehow doesn't seem like enough to me.

So, that's where I am. I hope my health improves in the near future because I miss attending Mass, receiving the Eucharist, and giving my soul a nice scrubbing in the confessional. Heck, I just want to have enough physical stamina to do basic things like getting out of bed and making myself something to eat without help some days.

I may be crazy to do it but... there's going to be a big change happening in the near future for me. This big change has been a long time coming. It's going to make me face some of my biggest fears and it's going to take me away from everything I've ever known. I think you can sort of guess what I'll be doing with those clues. Again, I may be crazy for embarking on this journey in the middle of my health issues, but perhaps this is something I need to do to improve my health. I'm being vague about it now but I hope to be able to share some details after it's all said and done. Just, please, keep me in your prayers because the whole situation is going to be high-stress and I'm honestly a little worried about how that will affect my health in the process.

... did I forget to mention that life has been an adventure lately? I didn't even mention finishing novel three in the middle of all that craziness! lol. Yes, I'll blog about that soon, as well.

Anyway, this is all part of why I've been MIA lately. I know I've been slightly more active on Twitter but that's been due to the prayer requests when I feel like, "Okay, I need prayer warriors to help me out with this one." I hope to get back to writing more, especially now that novel three is done and I'm slowly getting through all the doctor's appointments (and the follow-ups to the follow-ups). I have 3-4 more appointments scheduled (for now) in the next month, two this week.

Breathe in... hold for 1... 2... 3... 4... and breathe out...  Repeat.

I hope summer has been kinder to y'all so far. Can autumn hurry up and get here already? Summertime and I clearly don't get along. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)