The Secularization of Emmy

 

I know I haven’t blogged in over two months. In all honesty, I’ve had to sit with my thoughts and everything I’ve recently gone through in order to be able to write this post. 

As I wrote in the last post, I was plunged into a deep desolation that I’m still not completely out of. This is something I’m keeping my spiritual director in the loop with for obvious reasons.

It’s been a difficult two months but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to the desolation. It’s as normal as breathing for me at this time. It doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean I’m not constantly asking God to take it away; that I’m not constantly doing novenas to various saints (currently to St. Therese of Lisieux), asking for their intercessions. But it’s very much my default coping mechanism. I can’t change it? I accept it and try to make the most out of it. It’s what I’ve done with every single setback I’ve experienced in the last couple of years. It’s how I’ve survived becoming legally blind, getting diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency, and every other crummy thing I’ve experienced. 

I think that the thing that has helped me out the most is knowing that St. Teresa of Calcutta (a.k.a. Mother Teresa) experienced something like this for literally decades. It wasn’t a short term thing like some of these “dark nights of the soul” have been for other saints. I don’t know the specifics of her story (I still don’t have the mental or spiritual capacity to tackle a book on it… or, really, anything Catholic) but I know she struggled with a deep desolation that really did a number on her for years. So, keeping that in mind, I try not to beat myself too much over things I try and can’t do.

I’m not praying the Rosary most days and it’s a miracle when I remember to do it. Most days (at least recently) it’s because I forget to. If it wasn’t for my Benedictine oblation, I probably wouldn’t do any spiritual reading (I pray a bit of the Holy Rule every morning) or have any good prayer life. I get most of the Divine Office hours in most days. At the very least, I get Lauds, Prime, Vespers, and Compline in every day (though I missed Prime this morning because I got distracted and lost track of time this morning). I do novenas. I’m keeping up with the 9-month Annunication novena. I’m keeping up with praying for all U.S. Bishops (a project that is done by the National Shrine of Our Lady of Champion). I’ve only missed Mass once on a Sunday when the feed to my parish’s evening Mass wasn’t working and it was the last one live-streamed for the day). My mind wanders so quickly and I read/pray the Divine Office automatically and my brain doesn’t grasp anything but I try. It’s really all I can do.

A couple of months ago (around the time and shortly after the last blog post), I couldn’t hear anything about the faith without getting inexplicably angry. It felt like my body wanted to physically reject anything that had to do with the faith. Rosaries, images of saints (and especially Our Lady and Christ), the Crucifix. It was the weirdest physical sensation, akin to how my body feels when I have an allergic reaction or is having a reaction to something that it’s intolerant to. I’m thankfully no longer there but it was intense.

I lost one of my best friends and a lot of followers on social media during this time. I felt isolated from friends because no one knew how to react to what I was experiencing… not even priest friends, which honestly hurt. I had a couple of priest friends occasionally reach out to tell me they were praying for me but that was it. People didn’t like how I was acting or what I was saying… and never did I. The only ones who seem to stick around during the worst of it were my oblate Sister (whose conversation really helped turn things around for me a couple of weeks ago), another one of my best friend, and my friends from my pre-reversion days (all of who are atheist or agnostic). It actually surprised me how I felt completely abandoned by my Catholic friends and community but not the atheists and agnostics. I don’t know if it’s because they’ve known me for most of my life or what but it didn’t help the desolation whatsoever. 

God bless one my best friend with whom I watched new episodes of The Summer I Turned Pretty as they were premiering weekly. She was the only person I talked to on an almost daily basis, which honestly saved my mental health during this time. If I hadn’t had something like the show to look forward to and to distract me or have someone I could message and talk to on a regular basis, I don’t know how deeper the depression would’ve gotten. And I appreciated that she didn’t try to “fix” me. She made it clear that she was there if I needed to talk but also didn’t push me. And I appreciated that because most people wanted me to do x, y, z and would get frustrated or even angry with me when I said I wasn’t in a good place where I could do what they were suggesting. It wasn’t me trying to be difficult; it was me telling them what I couldn’t do and it made people upset with me. It felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough even though I knew I was.

I feel like God hasn’t abandoned me… but I’ve abandoned Him without meaning to. And I try to get back to where I was or to feel some sort of connection to anything faith related… but I can’t. I have very small moments of consolation every couple of weeks or so but it’s very fleeting and then I’m plunged back in. In a way, it feels like God is reminding me of where I was pre-reversion and making me see how I’d rather suffer than go back to that… because I’ve fallen back into my pre-reversion life. Not completely but I’m definitely living a more “secular” lifestyle and slowly drifting back into the entertainment business (as many have probably noticed with my support for the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes, though I’ve been more vocal about the WGA strike for obvious reasons). 

I don’t have deluded visions of grandeur as a screenwriter but I definitely see myself returning to my “roots” in the industry that started when I was a teenager. It’s become a sort of “well, if I’m going to be living a more secular life, I might as well try to do something good with the gifts God has given me.” I don’t have the looks, talent, or even age (at this point) to act but writing? That I can do, even with my visual impairment. I’m still discerning whether I’ll pursue this fully but, for now, I’m still working on novel four. The point is that I’m looking at how I’m going to live my life in a more secular way as I move forward with the desolation firmly intact.

I’m the type of person who takes vows and promises seriously, especially from an authority figure, so I can see myself being able to keep whatever has been asked of me as an oblate for life. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. Even during the worst of the desolation, I didn’t waver from it. The rest is more difficult but I try to get some semblance of my former spiritual life whenever I can. 

Also, despite living with a deep desolation, I had 16 years (between my reversion and the onset of the desolation) of learning and understanding of faith matters to know what is and what isn’t permitted by the Church; what I personally need to do and not do unless I want to find myself back in the confessional more often. I still can’t do or say certain things in good conscience. These things have been deeply ingrained in me for over a decade and a half so I think that’s what’s helping me not slip completely. It’s all second nature to me and it would take something insane to throw me off completely, even if I don’t feel close to God or attached to anything regarding the Church (except my oblation promises and my spiritual family at Clear Creek Abbey).

So, that’s where I am. I don’t know how long I’ll be in this desolation. I don’t know if it’ll last for the rest of my life. I don’t know if things will ever get as bad as they were a few months ago… but God has shown me that I’ve been able to get through the worst of it so maybe I’ll be okay even if I’m here permanently.  

Anyway, that’s it for now. I wanted to share where I was at this point in my life… and also give my new contact lenses a bit of a workout. Oh yes, you read that right. I’m still legally blind but I was prescribed contact lenses to help with the residual sight in my left eye… which maybe I’ll share in the next post because that itself has been one crazy journey. My optometrist is still experimenting with this and she seems to be loving the challenge. That’s all I’m saying for now. 

I hope you are all doing well.

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! 

The Faith Crisis and the Epiphany

 

One of the best friends I ever had — Melissa Joy (yes, we had the same first name) taught me a valuable life lesson that has just now sunk in in a way that hadn’t before: be yourself without apologies.

Recently, I’ve been going through a serious faith crisis. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while now but it’s only been amplified during the 54-day Rosary novena. I feel and see myself slipping away from the faith. I know part of that has to do with the desolation I feel, the isolation (from my parish community and friends) I’ve been forced into, and all my health issues all colliding. But there was a major component which I hadn’t factored in: the feeling like I have to continually censor who I am to fit in in certain Catholic circles or to deny myself of things because if I don’t, I’m a “bad Catholic.”

This is where I admit that I’m a massive fan of the Amazon Prime series The Summer I Turned Pretty. Go ahead and judge me if you want — I’m tired of caring at this point. Am I way out of the target demographic? Yup! Are there questionable things that go against the Faith? Yup. Do I still enjoy it? Sorry, but a big yes! I’m fully invested in the story of Belly Conklin and her feelings for brothers Conrad and Jeremiah Fisher. I didn’t love the books but I’m loving the changes made for the series. I mean, not the end of episode two of the second season (they should’ve kept it closer to the books for that particular scene) but I still like it overall. I like getting excited to see what the next episode will bring since they’re following the book trilogy but are making some great improvements that keep us “book girlies” on our toes. 

It was when I realized that I couldn’t share this excitement and joy that it seemed like I had finally figured out why I was so miserable and why my faith crisis was getting worse.

See, I’m the type of person who can live in the “secular world” and still see the good, the bad, and the ugly. I see people (whether real or fictional) for the beautiful and oftentimes flawed persons that they are. I’m able to take the secular shows, movies, music, etc. and find the good in it. It actually enriches my faith so much more because it challenges me (in a good way) and it makes life more beautiful to me. My faith thrived when I was at the CINO (Catholic in Name Only) college, when I wasn’t in the best environment for the faithful. I was more “joyful in the faith” when I could be more open and honest about things without the weight of judgment for not living up to expectations. 

That’s not to say that I wasn’t being authentic; I was. I was just stifling a big part of myself in the process. It took my excitement for this series, the re-working of my fourth novel, and the two hospital trips (and a big dose of Memento Mori) for me to realize what was going on. After watching the fourth episode of the second season for the show (which had a killer soundtrack) and wanting to tweet about it — but then being afraid of what people would say — I went, “you know what? Flip that table! I’m excited for this. I’m going to share it.”

With the realization of how bad my health is getting and how short life is, I decided that I’m too tired to care anymore. I’m tired of people shaming me for liking things that bring me joy and give me a little break from the harsh realities of life. Because my life is hard and I’m struggling. And you know what? It’s thanks to those breaks from overthinking about all that’s going on in my life that have actually started helping me with my faith, little by little. I mean, I actually took a break between rewatching episode four (I have to watch each episode a few times because of my visual impairment; so I can focus on different things each time to get a complete picture) to pray Vespers… and actually feel joy while praying it. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had that happen? A long time, my friends.

I know that this isn’t the typical route for “faithful Catholics” but what about me *is* typical or normal? I feel like I’ve always been a little ball of contradictions — though I tried not to be — and I’m not being true to myself or who God made me if I don’t continue to be that way. Even my own temperament combination (melancholic-sanguine) isn’t supposed to exist; the temperaments are on opposite ends of the spectrum… yet that’s what I am. I don’t fit the mold of what a Catholic is supposed to be like and I’m tired of trying to force myself into the little boxes. I’m too “modern” for the trads and too “trad” for the liberals. And I’m just tired of the judgements, comments, and everything else.

Do you know how depressing it was to realize that I went from being described as “bubbly and optimistic” to “muted and depressed”? I don’t recognize myself. And I can’t find God in the place I’m in now.

Why can’t I find God in the secular? If I found Him in it before — and I actually reverted and thrived in it — why not now? Why can’t I produce secular content that won’t cause scandal or go against Church teachings? Why do so many people assume they know me and then try to shame me into fitting what they think I should be like? Because that’s what’s been happening. I see other Catholic friends talking about the shows or music they like… but I don’t see others shaming them for it. But me? What is it about me that makes me a target for unkindness and judgment? I truly don’t understand it. 

Why are people telling how to live my life; how to live out my faith? Because that’s what’s been happening; people keep telling me how to suffer through my health issues and how I shouldn’t x, y, or z because that’s not what I should be doing as a Catholic

So, I’m going to do just that. I’m going to live my life and tune the shame out as much as I can. It’s not easy as I’m a terribly sensitive person who gets hurt easily but, honestly? Melissa Joy had it right; no one should make me feel inferior or unworthy or unloved just because what I like and who I am doesn’t fit with what they believe is right. I truly believe I can live my life as a Benedictine Oblate and a faithful Catholic despite living in the world. I might be proven wrong in the future, but this is what feels right at the moment. 

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out of my system. If any of you following me on social media feel disappointed in this new development — I’m sorry but you can unfollow me. I don’t know how much longer I have on this earth and I’m not going to waste any more of it trying to be someone I’m not. 

Where my faith crisis will go from this point on, I don’t know. I don’t feel the sincere support from many people at this point so maybe I need to step away from these tight Catholic circles — in which I have felt like the worst possible person; in which people who are supposed to be strong, faithful Catholics have made me feel (as I’ve already said) like I’m inferior, unworthy of God’s love and mercy, and a mental burden when I share my health problems and journey. 

So… here we go. New chapter. 

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’m getting a headache from staring at the screen for the last couple of hours. 

I hope you are all doing well and, again, my apologies if this disappoints anyone. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Health Update: Struggles and Beauty

It started with an unexpected allergic reaction to the peanut butter I was having for breakfast two weeks ago. Just like (almost) every morning for the last several months, I was having my normal peanut butter on toast when I was hit by a strong wave of itchiness (that was so bad that it triggered an anxiety attack thanks to the fight or flight reaction my body had to the allergen) that ran from my mouth up to my nose and into my ears. I thought it was maybe acid reflux that had inflamed the sinuses but both a nurse at my insurance and my primary doctor’s office agreed — it was an allergic reaction. It took a week for the reaction to go away… which is how I know it was a legitimate allergic reaction as that’s how long it takes for my body to calm down. I’m sure the oral hydrocortisone I take for my adrenal insufficiency helped bring/keep the reaction from getting worse as it’s also a medication that is given for allergic reactions; it’s a multi-purpose medication. 

Then it was two days of food poisoning triggered by two different things, and one of those I shared with my mother who had the same thing on the second day. I had to double up on my medication for that, which I’m not a big fan of as too much oral hydrocortisone ends up making me very jittery sometimes.

And in the time leading up to those two,  I started having issues swallowing food and even water sometimes. It was here and there and I attributed it to acid reflux (which is something I’ve struggled with for several years) but it’s gotten to the point where I take longer to eat because I sometimes can’t swallow food and I have to concentrate very very hard on making myself swallow. Yesterday was the first time I had problems swallowing for all four meals (three main meals plus a snack for my afternoon-evening dose of hydrocortisone) though that was also getting progressively worse with time as well.

As I await my gastroenterologist appointment (which I hope to get the date for today), I’ve been struggling. Not just to eat but to not worry; to trust God; to suffer in silence. I want to get better at those, but especially the latter.

Recently, someone I consider a close friend made it clear that me talking about my illnesses was becoming tiresome. “Now what?” That was a wake up call. I didn’t know that sharing my health struggles — in my own quest to feel a little less burdened by being able to unburden my heart of my fears — was making people uncomfortable or annoyed. It was a humbling experience as I remembered how Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati and St. Gemma Galgani (and countless others before and since them) suffered in silence. I normally share with only a handful of people what’s going on with me, but I didn’t realize how much less I could share and how much more I should keep to myself.

So, I’m going to try to do that. I apologized on social media for the times I have shared what was going on with me…. And I have to be in very bad shape if I post to social media and especially if I ask for prayers. That usually means I’m at one of my lowest points and I’m really struggling both physically and mentally, sometimes even spiritually.

The one good and beautiful thing about all of this is that I’ve felt closer to Christ than I have in a long time. I actually thanked God for these sufferings as they reminded me of the early days of reversion, when I wasn’t diagnosed with anything and I realized that my only true option was God and getting closer to Him. I have been in a spiritual desert for at least two years now, with some minor moments of consolations, and this is something I’ve been praying for; for my spiritual life to be renewed somehow. Maybe this is the answer to my prayers, having to suffer with these physical maladies and clinging to Christ during this time. 

I’m in a very interesting place in my life right now. My vocation discernment is front and center while I deal with health issues, which I’m sure will play a part in which way my discernment goes. I’m trying to walk through what feels like an unending haze of spiritual confusion and dryness that sometimes makes me feel apathetic (though I’ve learned to distinguish lack of feelings from actual desires). I go through the motions of daily Rosary, the Divine Office hours, and everything else despite zero consolations in my prayer life. And, likewise, though I don’t think I should be making decisions regarding my vocation during this time, it seems that that is what is being asked of me. I know what is asked of me with this vocation and I know I can fulfill them, even with the lack of feeling. I know I’ve already talked about this so there is no need to revisit it, at least not now. And all of this while I pray the 54-day Rosary novena. Maybe this is what God had in store for me and why I felt the need to start this novena?

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit of that for those who are genuinely worried about me after my last tweet. Yes, I need prayers. With the state of my health and immune system, I want to stay away from the hospital if possible but if it gets to the point where I can’t swallow anything, I’ll have no choice but to go in. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that. I hope the gastroenterologist can figure out what’s going on with me, though I have a suspicion that all of this is being caused by the long-term use of the oral hydrocortisone as it is a steroid and it messes with other things after using it for so long.

It’s unusually quiet right now. SInce I’ve slept the day away the last couple of days and am thus tired of sleeping, I think I’ll just sit here and enjoy the silence. Thank you, heatwave.

I hope you are all doing well.

OH! And please say a prayer for the soul of my father. Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of his passing (as well as the feast of my spiritual father, St. Benedict).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. 

Holy Spirit, Dat You?: Anniversaries Edition

 I don’t know why but the idea of doing something special between my oblate novitiate anniversary (June 30th) and the anniversary of my Final Act of Oblation (August 22nd) popped up in my mind right as my alarm for None went off. I thought about doing the 54-day Rosary novena but didn’t know how many days were in between both anniversaries. It’s exactly 54 days! I could start on the day of my fourth novitiate anniversary and finish on the day of my second anniversary of my Oblation.

I haven’t written about this — I haven’t really talked to friends about this either — but lately I’ve had an inkling that there is about to be a major life change coming up. The last time I had this feeling was when I made my Final Act of Oblation… which I wasn’t anticipating doing until sister Elisabeth invited me to go to Clear Creek Abbey with her family that summer. As the youngins say, “it wasn’t on my bingo card.” These last couple of weeks (months?) have felt similar, but in a different way.

It sometimes seems like God has been preparing me, mentally and even spiritually (despite the spiritual aridity stemming from the perpetual brain fog), for months. All the health setbacks (more on this in a bit). All the work I’ve had to keep my spiritual life intact despite the craziness. The big mistakes I’ve made. All the “Blind Girl Achievements” I’ve made this year — some of which I haven’t even shared on this blog… It all feels like it’s part of a bigger plan; one that God has been preparing me for without me realizing it.

I could be wrong. After all, feelings and inklings can lead one astray. But, I don’t know… I can’t shake this off. And then you factor in that the idea of the Rosary novena randomly popped into my mind, just as I was about to pray… and with my history of amazing prayers answered during the novena… I think maybe I should do it.

If you’ve been reading this blog long enough, you know what big life changes have come as a result of the Rosary novena, the biggest one being the start of my vocation discernment to consecrated virginity in late 2019. I started praying for clarity on discernment of marriage with someone and it ended with prayers for discernment on whether God was called me to be a bride of Christ instead.

 The only thing is that I don’t know what to pray for/about. There is something deep in me that is telling me not to pray for health; to accept and carry these health crosses. There are now the additions of a gastroenterologist and a nutritionist to my medical team as per primary doctor and endocrinologist’s requests after chronic pancreatitis and new stomach issues, most likely stemming from the long-term use of the oral hydrocortisone for my adrenal insufficiency. 

I don’t think I’m meant to pray specifically about my vocation discernment either. I’m pretty much stuck where I am until I can talk to Archbishop Gomez. I have the green light from my SD to move forward but there have been a couple of obstacles along the way so it’s been going slower than I had thought it would take. But I’m in this for the long-haul. Even if I don’t get publicly consecrated, the ring has been picked out for either public consecration or private vows.  And hey, new book that just arrived:

I have no idea what I need to pray for… but I feel like I need to do this novena, especially between both of my anniversaries. Maybe I just need to pray for wisdom, or perseverance, or something. Maybe I’ll have to be vague. “Whatever it is that I will need, Lord, for this chapter in my life… I entrust it and my soul into Your hands.”

Anyway, just a little something I wanted to write. It’s almost time for my snack (to take my last dose of hydrocortisone of the day) so I’ll stop here. I’ll keep y’all updated on this. All I will say is that have a very joyful feeling going forward… and I’ve yet to know why.

I hope y’all had a lovely weekend and have a great week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

Feeling the Loss of Community

 

Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

Even though I haven’t been able to do as much as I would’ve wanted by this point (for the year) because I’ve spent the last several months in bed, God has been opening up my eyes to things that I’ve known were true but have only become “real” during this time. One of the two biggest ones I’ve been really contemplating lately is how the lack of community really affects us.

Earlier today, a friend sent me a YouTube video link for a video on a woman’s progress in ditching her smartphone. One of the things she talked about was how downgrading to a “dumb phone” showed that not only did she get so few calls that she wanted to install a landline instead of having a cell phone (because people don’t like to call anymore) but that it really drove home how much we need community outside of the virtual world. And I agree. I used a flip phone for THREE days earlier this month and I got almost no texts and zero calls. Granted, it was only three days (though I’m still on a quest to figure out how to use it without it giving me a migraine) but even with a smartphone, we just don’t communicate like we used to. 

Most of us (and I’m including myself in this category) update our social media feeds and expect people to know what’s going on with us. “Didn’t you see my update?” Is something I’ve seen/read more than once. It’s become an expectation; like a mass email that we expect everyone to get and know. But we don’t. I’ve been trying to be more conscience of not doing this. If something major is going on, I will go through my contacts list and message those whom I want to share the news with. If it’s something that I feel needs more than a quick text, I’ll send them an email with details for them to read when they can. But this is just my thing. I don’t expect everyone else to do it as well.

But this also goes beyond social media. I feel the loss of community as a whole. As much as I appreciate the wonderful offline friendships I’ve made thanks to the internet, an online community cannot substitute an in-person one. I’ve read studies about towns in Italy and other places where most of their residents are healthy and living to old age because of how strong their community is. We are not meant to live alone and the longer I’m stuck at home, the more obvious it becomes.

I don’t live on my own; I live with my widowed mother. But you can tell the difference when we’ve had conversations in person with neighbors. It doesn’t happen often for me as I only go out for doctor appointments and hospital visits but I honestly notice how interacting with people really does impact my health in a positive way. Sadly, I don’t get many visitors as most friends are currently living far away (and more are leaving California) and those who *do* live here are busy with their own lives (it feels like everyone is working more than usual just to be able to afford life necessities) so I don’t get to see anyone. I think the last friend who visited came in December (shout out to Br. Chris, OFM Conv!) and before him no one in several months. I know it’s because everyone is trying to keep me healthy (I’ve had friends cancel plans to visit because they’ve gotten sick) and I’m so grateful for their consideration and love…. But it still stinks.

Before the pandemic, we used to find ways to hang out — go out for a meal, go to Mass together, go exploring, etc. I even felt the great sense of community with my fellow parishioners when I used to go to daily Mass (at least three times per week), even if I didn’t really talk to many people. I was thriving (despite my quickly escalating health issues) during that time. And then the lockdowns happened. And then my health got to where it is now and with it came restrictions. 

Some of those doctor-ordered restrictions have lessened lately but not all. I still have to mask when I go out, especially if I won’t be outdoors with some distance from others; people still have to wear masks when visiting because we live in an apartment and don’t have a private area to entertain guests outside. Part of me wants to rebel against those orders but then I remember how important obedience is. As long as I’m not doing anything contrary to the Faith, I mst obey my doctors’ orders. 

Some people are not comfortable with masks because of what happened during the pandemic, with the restrictions and the mandates. And I totally get it. The last time we went to Mass, my mom said we got a couple of dirty looks from people because we wore masks. I’m glad I didn’t see it and I would’ve been okay not knowing it. But that’s the reality.

And, again, I get it. If I was healthy enough, this wouldn’t be an issue. If I didn’t have an adrenal insufficiency — for which even a “simpe” stomach flu requires me to double up on medication and/or head to the ER for an emergency dose of hydrocortisone and/or IV fluids — I would be out and about or not having to aak friends to be a little more careful when visiting.

The one thing that my time in bed, away from the Sacraments and a community, has taught me is that I really need that community. At the moment, it’s my inability to go out for long periods of time that has me away from all of that. I can endure dirty looks from folks for masking (side note: I wore masks during flu season for years before the pandemic because my immune system has been shot for years). I can endure having to take extra time to get to and from places when using Access Paratransit or paying a lot of $$$ to use Lyft to get to Mass. I just need my body to cooperate with me. As summer begins (though it still feels like winter/spring in L.A. at the moment), my opportunities for Mass shrink as my body has a harder time regulating temperatures — anything over 75 degrees Fahrenheit and I start to get nauseous and faint; anything over 68 and I start sweating cold, I get nauseous, and faint. 

I also think about how dangerous simply going outside our apartment has become. Shootings. Stabbings. Multiple of our female neighbors almost getting muggged. A homeless guy went up to my mom, hugged her and kissed her cheek while walking to do a nearby errand a few months ago… and this was months after she nearly got mugged twice in the same morning when going grocery shopping. There is a big worry about me going out on my own because I can’t see faces or details so I’m more vulnerable to these things but, honestly, I would brave it (and ask my Guardian Angel and St. Joseph to protect me) if I could just feel well enough to go to Mass.

That’s all I want — to get to Mass in person. I want to be around other Catholics and feel that community, even if o one talks to me or approaches me because homegirl needs to mask until doctors (my endo more than anyone at this point) give me the all clear).

I’ve been asking God to help me figure out if this city / state is where God wants me. I’ve tried to find ways to leave but something always happens I’m stuck. I was planning on moving pre-pandemic but then that happened and then my health issues happened so I was forced to stay. Finances are currently what’s keeping me here; I can find doctors or my conditions anywhere. I would have to live near a city or suburbs to make life as a visually impaired/legally blind person easier in terms of transportation and life basics (getting food delivered, etc) but I think I could do that anywhere… as long as it was where God wanted me.

This ended up being way longer than I intended but I think I’ll stop here because y’all get the gist of it… and my alarm just went off for Terce.

I’ll leave y’all with this: if you are able to be a part of a community — no matter how small — be grateful. I never knew what a blessing it was until I was deprived of one. If you have friends who are homebound due to health issues, chec in with them once in a while. Even us introverts appreciate a phone call once in a while; it helps us feel less lonely. And if you’re in my shoes, don’t despair. Keep asking God for that community that you long for. I pray for mine, though I haven’t seen most for months/years at this point. God will make sure you (and I) will find the one we most need when we need it.

I hope you all have a lovely solemnity of the Most Holy Sacred Heart of Jesus and a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!