Health Update: Struggles and Beauty

It started with an unexpected allergic reaction to the peanut butter I was having for breakfast two weeks ago. Just like (almost) every morning for the last several months, I was having my normal peanut butter on toast when I was hit by a strong wave of itchiness (that was so bad that it triggered an anxiety attack thanks to the fight or flight reaction my body had to the allergen) that ran from my mouth up to my nose and into my ears. I thought it was maybe acid reflux that had inflamed the sinuses but both a nurse at my insurance and my primary doctor’s office agreed — it was an allergic reaction. It took a week for the reaction to go away… which is how I know it was a legitimate allergic reaction as that’s how long it takes for my body to calm down. I’m sure the oral hydrocortisone I take for my adrenal insufficiency helped bring/keep the reaction from getting worse as it’s also a medication that is given for allergic reactions; it’s a multi-purpose medication. 

Then it was two days of food poisoning triggered by two different things, and one of those I shared with my mother who had the same thing on the second day. I had to double up on my medication for that, which I’m not a big fan of as too much oral hydrocortisone ends up making me very jittery sometimes.

And in the time leading up to those two,  I started having issues swallowing food and even water sometimes. It was here and there and I attributed it to acid reflux (which is something I’ve struggled with for several years) but it’s gotten to the point where I take longer to eat because I sometimes can’t swallow food and I have to concentrate very very hard on making myself swallow. Yesterday was the first time I had problems swallowing for all four meals (three main meals plus a snack for my afternoon-evening dose of hydrocortisone) though that was also getting progressively worse with time as well.

As I await my gastroenterologist appointment (which I hope to get the date for today), I’ve been struggling. Not just to eat but to not worry; to trust God; to suffer in silence. I want to get better at those, but especially the latter.

Recently, someone I consider a close friend made it clear that me talking about my illnesses was becoming tiresome. “Now what?” That was a wake up call. I didn’t know that sharing my health struggles — in my own quest to feel a little less burdened by being able to unburden my heart of my fears — was making people uncomfortable or annoyed. It was a humbling experience as I remembered how Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati and St. Gemma Galgani (and countless others before and since them) suffered in silence. I normally share with only a handful of people what’s going on with me, but I didn’t realize how much less I could share and how much more I should keep to myself.

So, I’m going to try to do that. I apologized on social media for the times I have shared what was going on with me…. And I have to be in very bad shape if I post to social media and especially if I ask for prayers. That usually means I’m at one of my lowest points and I’m really struggling both physically and mentally, sometimes even spiritually.

The one good and beautiful thing about all of this is that I’ve felt closer to Christ than I have in a long time. I actually thanked God for these sufferings as they reminded me of the early days of reversion, when I wasn’t diagnosed with anything and I realized that my only true option was God and getting closer to Him. I have been in a spiritual desert for at least two years now, with some minor moments of consolations, and this is something I’ve been praying for; for my spiritual life to be renewed somehow. Maybe this is the answer to my prayers, having to suffer with these physical maladies and clinging to Christ during this time. 

I’m in a very interesting place in my life right now. My vocation discernment is front and center while I deal with health issues, which I’m sure will play a part in which way my discernment goes. I’m trying to walk through what feels like an unending haze of spiritual confusion and dryness that sometimes makes me feel apathetic (though I’ve learned to distinguish lack of feelings from actual desires). I go through the motions of daily Rosary, the Divine Office hours, and everything else despite zero consolations in my prayer life. And, likewise, though I don’t think I should be making decisions regarding my vocation during this time, it seems that that is what is being asked of me. I know what is asked of me with this vocation and I know I can fulfill them, even with the lack of feeling. I know I’ve already talked about this so there is no need to revisit it, at least not now. And all of this while I pray the 54-day Rosary novena. Maybe this is what God had in store for me and why I felt the need to start this novena?

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit of that for those who are genuinely worried about me after my last tweet. Yes, I need prayers. With the state of my health and immune system, I want to stay away from the hospital if possible but if it gets to the point where I can’t swallow anything, I’ll have no choice but to go in. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that. I hope the gastroenterologist can figure out what’s going on with me, though I have a suspicion that all of this is being caused by the long-term use of the oral hydrocortisone as it is a steroid and it messes with other things after using it for so long.

It’s unusually quiet right now. SInce I’ve slept the day away the last couple of days and am thus tired of sleeping, I think I’ll just sit here and enjoy the silence. Thank you, heatwave.

I hope you are all doing well.

OH! And please say a prayer for the soul of my father. Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of his passing (as well as the feast of my spiritual father, St. Benedict).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless.