Missing Home

 

I’ve been missing my spiritual home quite fiercely lately. Part of that has to do with the fact that I had never felt “at home” anywhere else in my life. I was born, raised, and am currently still stuck in Los Angeles. I’ve traveled to other states and countries but I’ve never felt as I belonged anywhere… not like I did at Clear Creek Abbey. I keep saying that I left my heart there because it feels like I did. I only spent 4 days there but, from the moment we drove through the monastery gates, I knew I was home. 

Leaving was hard. I half jokingly said I was going to ask that my things be shipped out to Oklahoma because I didn’t want to leave. I might’ve even teared up a bit but tried to hide it a little bit. The longing to be back there has hit me a bit more lately, probably because of the Oblation promises renewal last month and the beginning of the new liturgical year. 

I don’t know how things are there in the winter (besides it being snowy and cold) but I imagine I would easily adapt to it out of my love for CC. It was so hot and humid when I went in late August but I was surprised at how easily I got used to it in such a short amount of time. And those of y’all who know me well know I absolutely loathe hot and humid weather. 

I miss waking up in the room I had at St. Mary’s. I didn’t know it used to be one of the monk’s former cell (before the house became a guesthouse) until after we left. I felt at peace in my little “cell”. Though I had the room to myself, I shared the bathroom with another guest whom I didn’t know. She was so lovely and it surprised me how easily we were able to share a bathroom and coordinate despite only meeting when we arrived. 

I miss the little trip from the guesthouse to the church, passing some of the areas where some of the animals and gardens were kept. 

I miss watching the sun set from my bedroom window and the windows in the living room. 

I miss hearing the music of the cicadas. Yes, really. 

I miss getting up early and heading to morning prayer and/or Mass before breakfast. 

I miss praying with and hearing my brother monks chanting the Divine Office hours in the crypt. 

I just miss Clear Creek. I miss it so much I’ve even looked into possibly moving out to Tulsa. It would make more sense (spiritually) for me to find a place closer to the monastery but my health would require me to be in a larger city or in the suburbs near it. An adrenal crisis can be fatal so I have to be within reasonable driving distance from a hospital until (and if) I recover from my secondary adrenal insufficiency. Maybe one day I will be able to live closer to Clear Creek but, for now, I know God has other plans for me. 

For now, I keep reminding myself of the words my spiritual director told me: I’m a missionary, in a way. My spiritual home is in Oklahoma but I live several states away in California. As an Oblate, I belong to the monastery but I cannot live there. No matter where I will live and move to, I will always be a representative of the monastery. I have to be very conscious that what I do won’t reflect badly on them. 

My failures aren’t a reflection of them but I really don’t want to let them down so I’m trying to be more aware of what I say and do. In a way, this is all preparing me for a life as (God willing) a consecrated virgin as well. Just like I represent CC as an oblate, I’ll represent the diocese where I will be consecrated and, to a certain extent, the Church. It honestly makes me feel a little stressed because I know my flaws and my failures and fear that I’ll do something incredibly dumb that will let people down. But, at the same time, I know that God will give me the graces I need to fulfill my vocation as well as I can; I just need to stay close to Him to be able to do that. 

In a way, I will do the opposite of my oblate namesake, St. Therese. She wanted to be a missionary but she ended up being a missionary in her heart, at her Carmel. I will be a missionary out in the world while my heart remains steadfast at Clear Creek. And, ultimately, our true home is Heaven and I need to keep that in mind. I may miss my earthly spiritual home but it’s only my temporary home. And perhaps the longing for my spiritual home will help keep me on track to one day be at my (and our) eternal home in Heaven. 

It’s currently raining (yay!!) so I’m going to go enjoy this wonderful loveliness since we’ve had a very dry year in southern California this year…

… and now I’m remembering how beautiful and green Oklahoma looked when I was at CC. I loved seeing and hearing it rain out there. Le sigh. Lol. 

I hope you’re all doing well! 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

It’s Been Two Years…

 I’ve officially been discerning consecrated virginity for two years now. Actually, it was two years ago last month but the date passed without me realizing it. It’s been a crazy yet wonderful two years that have seen some of my biggest life trials, changes, and milestones. 

Two years ago I was still trying to recover from the emotional toll of having to tell my (then) best friend I didn’t want to marry him; that I felt that God was calling me to discern this vocation. 

As I’ve written in the past, the CV discernment wasn’t spontaneous. It had started around 2010 but things made me fight it, including pressure from those I loved to find someone. In early 2019 — months before I committed to this discernment — I had that moment where the words “let Him court you” made me go “wait… what?” 

This was the path I was on when I took that small detour in the summer into autumn of 2019 when the fella and I were seriously talking about a possible future together. That itself had built up over time. But, even then, it didn’t feel right. A few weeks into our first conversation about marriage, I couldn’t shake the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that it wasn’t right. I didn’t like the idea that Christ wouldn’t have my heart in its entirety; that He would have to share it with someone as the main man in my life. So, after weeks of prayer and the 54-day Rosary novena bringing peace about my final decision within the first 9 days of it, I knew what I had to do. 

After weeks of trying to muster up the courage and knowing that there was no way to avoid hurting him, I let him know what was happening. We didn’t stay in touch much longer after that. We attempted to be friends again but it was too hard due to feelings and our history. I’m happy to say that we (or, at the very least, I) got closure after some very honest emails where things were laid out and apologies were made. It was that closure that helped cut the final ties that kept my heart from fully opening to Christ as a future Spouse. 

And that’s not been the only thing. In the last two years I’ve also had fellas from my past unexpectedly pop up in my life. One of them, in particular, has stuck around but it’s been different. While the remembrance of old feelings hit hard, it was very brief as I quickly realized that I looked at him like I would a son. Yes, I know that sounds weird but he became like a spiritual son to me. I prayed for him and his vocation. I had such a wonderful peace about it… and it was the moment that solidified spiritual motherhood to me. 

That overflowing amount of love I have in my heart can be poured out for others through my vocation as a consecrated virgin living in the world; a love that comes from Jesus Himself and has thawed my stone cold heart. Yes, I still get annoyed by and upset with people but I can look at them more clearly as children of God and even see them with eyes of a spiritual mother. I really can’t explain it better than that. At least, not at the moment. 

These past couple of days I’ve been reflecting how God has changed my life and heart. Even beyond the loss of my eyesight and everything else I endured last year, it’s been an incredible journey. This entire year has been like a new chapter in my life. 

I’ve been the healthiest I’ve been in my adult life (visual impairment and secondary adrenal insufficiency excluded). And I’m going to end this year with a surgery that I’ve been waiting years to have done. 

I finally made my Final Act of Oblation as a Benedictine oblate at Clear Creek Abbey. I began the novitiate on June 30, 2019 with the Monks of Norcia but, as my oblate namesake, St. Therese, would probably say, God replanted this little flower in fertile soil that make her grow and thrive. 

And, most importantly, God has shown me who I am, what I’m capable of, what can derail me, and what I have to offer the Church. I keep saying it but it’s true — God has been working on my heart and I’ve just noticed the major changes in the last couple of months. As I mentioned in the last post, I’ve found myself again; someone I hadn’t seen in at least 2-3 years, if not longer. And I feel like all of this is preparing me for my vocation. 

I want to very cautious about saying that I’m going to be consecrated because I don’t have the final say. I’m still waiting for that appointment and now that Archbishop Gomez’s term as USCCB president is about to end, i hope I’ll be able to meet with him. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way. I can’t see myself as a bride of anyone but Christ. I cannot see myself as a mother of my own flesh and blood but I can see myself as a spiritual mother to all whom my Beloved shed His precious blood for. 

To be honest, I don’t think I’m ready to become a CV… but I also think that I’ll never truly feel ready… and that’s a good thing. I hope I never feel ready. I hope I’ll grow as His bride and a spiritual mother just like the beautiful women who are wives and mothers raising future saints and leading their husbands to Heaven. I hope my love for Christ continues to grow as the years pass. 

I’m so grateful for the past two years. I don’t know when I’ll know when Abp. Gómez will let me know his decision about my vocation but, whether I will be consecrated or ultimately be called to another vocation, I would not do anything differently. I’m so grateful for all the tears, the laughter, the doubts, the peace, and everything I’ve experienced. 

Anyway, this is just a quick-ish reflection on the last two years. I’ve hit the unofficial minimum amount of time we’re asked to take to discern this vocation so… let’s see what God has in store for me in the near future. 

I hope y’all are having a lovely start of Advent. 

As always, than

Hitting a Wall & Setting Boundaries

 

Yesterday was the first time I’ve truly felt like myself in a really, really long time. I found myself smiling & simultaneously crying at something beautiful. I heard the words “this is who you are; who you’ve always been. You just lost yourself for a little while… & this is why…” from someone who knows me very well. I felt at peace. I didn’t have my mind on a boatload of things. I was focused & clear-minded. 

After my oral surgery last week, I tried to spend as much time as I could resting. Recent bouts of insomnia weren’t helping the recovery process so I decided to limit avoidable stress triggers, which came down to limiting (& even completely eliminating) things such as social media & group chats. 

I should preface this by saying that I love my friends. I’m so grateful to them for all they’ve done for me. But, as much as I love them, my introverted & highly sensitive battery was not only depleted but had been running on empty for weeks. I felt like I wasn’t getting enough time for myself & mental health which was affecting my physical health. All of that was contributing to my recent health relapse that I’m just now (finally!) recovering from. 

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the constant bombardments of notifications of “new this!” & “new that!” for months now. When I realized that the best recovery period I had was when my eyesight was so bad that I couldn’t use my phone, I knew I had to place better boundaries about my social media & messaging usage. 

I started by trying not to feel bad or guilty for not replying to messages. I hate not responding but I’d reached my breaking point. I felt like crying whenever I saw the little red dots alerting me of new messages. I physically felt my blood pressure spike up & my face flush when I saw new messages despite muting the notifications. That’s when I knew I had to do the hard thing and ask friends to not include me in group chats any longer. Just thinking that an hour break could mean over 50 new messages would give me major anxiety. I knew some people wouldn’t like it & would even get angry at me for asking to be excluded & for leaving group chats but I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to be selfish & do what was best for me. 

It was hard to accept that social media had both created the biggest stress trigger & also numbed me, emotionally. The environment on these platforms are so volatile that I had unknowingly created a emotional shield to protect my naturally sensitive nature from it. I didn’t realize that the emotional numbness had seeped into my life “offline” until I realized how differently I felt & acted while taking a stricter break from the platforms & messaging. 

After taking several days off & even deleting the Instagram app (IG is my social media kryptonite & the only social media app I use), I busied myself with things I once loved & enjoyed that didn’t involve social media. Or, really, much of the internet (e.g. browsing). The changes in me were noticeable. My relationships in person got better. My stress levels drastically decreased. While insomnia is still a pain in my tush, I was sleeping better & for longer periods of time. 

Spending time with old friends (& not using social media or messaging to do so)… taking long walks outside… doing little things to take care of my physical & emotional health — all of these things also contributed to my recent recovery journey. 

God knows that I needed all of this. He has been preparing my heart & mind for it for months. I’m equal parts emotional & logical & He knew I was going to need the groundwork that was laid down starting with my trip to Clear Creek Abbey this past August. During that trip I was forced to disconnect, embrace more silence, & see how much better a simpler way of life was for me. I saw how much healthier & happier I was with friends (talking to them in person versus using technology to do it), being more physically active, & being surrounded by things that kept God at the forefront of my mind. 

I know it’s easier for friends to keep in touch using social media (the most popular means of communication for most) & texting (2nd most popular), but I’m going to slow things for myself. 

To my friends reading this: I love you all so much but I need the break. Voice messages are preferred to text messages & emails are preferred to both. If it’s something urgent or don’t have the time to email me, please feel free to text me. But please be aware that I won’t reply so quickly. I owe people messages that are now a week old because I need to go slowly. I need to do this for my health. And for those of you who didn’t know: I pulled a Matt Fradd & changed my phone number & basically didn’t tell anyone I wasn’t in frequent communication with several weeks ago. I needed that fresh start when I switched mobile providers.

Where does this all leave me? Well, I want to blog more since I’ll be using social media even less than before. I plan on using social media & texting only when I need to. There is a chance a landline will be added at some point for urgent calls since I’m at home all day, every day. I plan on making other little adjustments that I hope to share as I implement them & update on my successes & failures with them. And I plan to start one of the (formerly annual) clean-a-thons that will also hopefully help me in other big changes that are coming up. (Stay tuned for more in a future post.)

For now, I’m going to take the rest of the day to rest & relax. Neighbors have been noisier than usual & I try to take the hours in which the kids are at school to nap as much as I can. Later today I’ll also spend a little more time with old friends before I have to say “goodbye” to them for a couple of months.

I guess I’m getting my wish to have a more “stripped down” Advent season, just in ways I wasn’t anticipating. 

Okay, I think it’s time for that nap. 

I hope you are all doing well. 

As always, thanks for reading & God bless! 

Advent Plans

 

I absolutely love Advent & Christmastide! Yes, Lent & Easter are wonderful but I’ve always been partial to these two liturgical seasons more than the rest. 

Maybe it’s because I’ve always loved new beginnings. My favorite secular holiday was always New Years’ Day. My favorite season is Springtime… & Advent is knowing as the liturgical springtime as it’s the beginning of the liturgical year. 

Or maybe it’s because I’ve always loved the warm & cozy feelings associated with this time of year. The warmth of the kitchen (my favorite room in the house), the warmth of a delicious cup of tea while reading a good book, the warm embraces of loved ones at get-togethers (in small numbers, this introvert thanks you very much), etc. 

I usually have a “go big or go home” mentality but this year I’m doing things differently. Instead of doing “all the Catholic things” I’ve decided to do almost none of it. At least not the big things. There will be no Advent wreath this year. There will be no Advent candles. The Nativity (minus baby Jesus) won’t be put out until Christmas Eve. 

Why? Because I want a stripped down Advent — just me & my future bridegroom.

For weeks I’ve had it on my heart & mind to focus on getting to know & love Jesus deeper. I feel like my love & understanding is still a bit superficial; like there is a lot more that I have to learn. The words “spend time with your bridegroom” keeps repeating on loop for most of the day. What better time to really dive deeper than Advent? 

Just like you spend time with someone to get to know them enough to know whether you want to marry them or not, I feel like I need to do the same. Not that I doubt my vocation; I’ve never felt more at peace & more like myself than when I think about being a CV for life. I simply feel like there’s a lot more that I need to discover so that when that beautiful day of consecration comes & I become His bride, my heart will overflow with more love & joy than I thought possible. 

This Advent, these two books will be my companions. I’ll continue the Divine Intimacy book through the end of the liturgical year as well. I look forward to using them to help me on this journey to get to know my future bridegroom better. 

Oblation and Consecration Renewal Day

 Happy feast of Christ the King! 

Today I renewed my Benedictine oblate promises, my Marian consecration, & my consecration to Divine Mercy. It’s a tradition at Clear Creek Abbey (& many other Benedictine monasteries) that oblates renew their promises today, on the feast of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Since I knew the date, I chose to renew my other consecrations on this day as well. 

It was a beautiful 33 days leading up to today. I purposely took the week off from social media in order to prepare for it. While I didn’t get to do things as I had planned, it was still a fruitful time that I needed. I feel like it also put me in the right headspace for the beginning of Advent in just a week. Of course, being somewhat of a liturgical calendar geek, I have plans for my favorite liturgical seasons (Advent & Christmastide) but I’ll get to that later. For now…

Peace! In the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

I renew my oblation & offer myself to Almighty God through the Blessed Virgin Mary & our Holy Father Benedict, as an Oblate of Our Lady of the Annunciation of Clear Creek Monastery & promise again to dedicate myself to the service of God & Humanity

according to the Rule of Saint Benedict

in so far as my state in life permits.

(Photo of a consecration bracelet I was given, the Rosary I got at Clear Creek on the eve of my final promises this past August, & my Christmas gift (a Benedictine crucifix) I also got from Clear Creek in 2018 before I knew I was going to end up making my final promises there.)