I’ve officially been discerning consecrated virginity for two years now. Actually, it was two years ago last month but the date passed without me realizing it. It’s been a crazy yet wonderful two years that have seen some of my biggest life trials, changes, and milestones.
Two years ago I was still trying to recover from the emotional toll of having to tell my (then) best friend I didn’t want to marry him; that I felt that God was calling me to discern this vocation.
As I’ve written in the past, the CV discernment wasn’t spontaneous. It had started around 2010 but things made me fight it, including pressure from those I loved to find someone. In early 2019 — months before I committed to this discernment — I had that moment where the words “let Him court you” made me go “wait… what?”
This was the path I was on when I took that small detour in the summer into autumn of 2019 when the fella and I were seriously talking about a possible future together. That itself had built up over time. But, even then, it didn’t feel right. A few weeks into our first conversation about marriage, I couldn’t shake the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that it wasn’t right. I didn’t like the idea that Christ wouldn’t have my heart in its entirety; that He would have to share it with someone as the main man in my life. So, after weeks of prayer and the 54-day Rosary novena bringing peace about my final decision within the first 9 days of it, I knew what I had to do.
After weeks of trying to muster up the courage and knowing that there was no way to avoid hurting him, I let him know what was happening. We didn’t stay in touch much longer after that. We attempted to be friends again but it was too hard due to feelings and our history. I’m happy to say that we (or, at the very least, I) got closure after some very honest emails where things were laid out and apologies were made. It was that closure that helped cut the final ties that kept my heart from fully opening to Christ as a future Spouse.
And that’s not been the only thing. In the last two years I’ve also had fellas from my past unexpectedly pop up in my life. One of them, in particular, has stuck around but it’s been different. While the remembrance of old feelings hit hard, it was very brief as I quickly realized that I looked at him like I would a son. Yes, I know that sounds weird but he became like a spiritual son to me. I prayed for him and his vocation. I had such a wonderful peace about it… and it was the moment that solidified spiritual motherhood to me.
That overflowing amount of love I have in my heart can be poured out for others through my vocation as a consecrated virgin living in the world; a love that comes from Jesus Himself and has thawed my stone cold heart. Yes, I still get annoyed by and upset with people but I can look at them more clearly as children of God and even see them with eyes of a spiritual mother. I really can’t explain it better than that. At least, not at the moment.
These past couple of days I’ve been reflecting how God has changed my life and heart. Even beyond the loss of my eyesight and everything else I endured last year, it’s been an incredible journey. This entire year has been like a new chapter in my life.
I’ve been the healthiest I’ve been in my adult life (visual impairment and secondary adrenal insufficiency excluded). And I’m going to end this year with a surgery that I’ve been waiting years to have done.
I finally made my Final Act of Oblation as a Benedictine oblate at Clear Creek Abbey. I began the novitiate on June 30, 2019 with the Monks of Norcia but, as my oblate namesake, St. Therese, would probably say, God replanted this little flower in fertile soil that make her grow and thrive.
And, most importantly, God has shown me who I am, what I’m capable of, what can derail me, and what I have to offer the Church. I keep saying it but it’s true — God has been working on my heart and I’ve just noticed the major changes in the last couple of months. As I mentioned in the last post, I’ve found myself again; someone I hadn’t seen in at least 2-3 years, if not longer. And I feel like all of this is preparing me for my vocation.
I want to very cautious about saying that I’m going to be consecrated because I don’t have the final say. I’m still waiting for that appointment and now that Archbishop Gomez’s term as USCCB president is about to end, i hope I’ll be able to meet with him. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way. I can’t see myself as a bride of anyone but Christ. I cannot see myself as a mother of my own flesh and blood but I can see myself as a spiritual mother to all whom my Beloved shed His precious blood for.
To be honest, I don’t think I’m ready to become a CV… but I also think that I’ll never truly feel ready… and that’s a good thing. I hope I never feel ready. I hope I’ll grow as His bride and a spiritual mother just like the beautiful women who are wives and mothers raising future saints and leading their husbands to Heaven. I hope my love for Christ continues to grow as the years pass.
I’m so grateful for the past two years. I don’t know when I’ll know when Abp. Gómez will let me know his decision about my vocation but, whether I will be consecrated or ultimately be called to another vocation, I would not do anything differently. I’m so grateful for all the tears, the laughter, the doubts, the peace, and everything I’ve experienced.
Anyway, this is just a quick-ish reflection on the last two years. I’ve hit the unofficial minimum amount of time we’re asked to take to discern this vocation so… let’s see what God has in store for me in the near future.
I hope y’all are having a lovely start of Advent.
As always, than