Missing Home

 

I’ve been missing my spiritual home quite fiercely lately. Part of that has to do with the fact that I had never felt “at home” anywhere else in my life. I was born, raised, and am currently still stuck in Los Angeles. I’ve traveled to other states and countries but I’ve never felt as I belonged anywhere… not like I did at Clear Creek Abbey. I keep saying that I left my heart there because it feels like I did. I only spent 4 days there but, from the moment we drove through the monastery gates, I knew I was home. 

Leaving was hard. I half jokingly said I was going to ask that my things be shipped out to Oklahoma because I didn’t want to leave. I might’ve even teared up a bit but tried to hide it a little bit. The longing to be back there has hit me a bit more lately, probably because of the Oblation promises renewal last month and the beginning of the new liturgical year. 

I don’t know how things are there in the winter (besides it being snowy and cold) but I imagine I would easily adapt to it out of my love for CC. It was so hot and humid when I went in late August but I was surprised at how easily I got used to it in such a short amount of time. And those of y’all who know me well know I absolutely loathe hot and humid weather. 

I miss waking up in the room I had at St. Mary’s. I didn’t know it used to be one of the monk’s former cell (before the house became a guesthouse) until after we left. I felt at peace in my little “cell”. Though I had the room to myself, I shared the bathroom with another guest whom I didn’t know. She was so lovely and it surprised me how easily we were able to share a bathroom and coordinate despite only meeting when we arrived. 

I miss the little trip from the guesthouse to the church, passing some of the areas where some of the animals and gardens were kept. 

I miss watching the sun set from my bedroom window and the windows in the living room. 

I miss hearing the music of the cicadas. Yes, really. 

I miss getting up early and heading to morning prayer and/or Mass before breakfast. 

I miss praying with and hearing my brother monks chanting the Divine Office hours in the crypt. 

I just miss Clear Creek. I miss it so much I’ve even looked into possibly moving out to Tulsa. It would make more sense (spiritually) for me to find a place closer to the monastery but my health would require me to be in a larger city or in the suburbs near it. An adrenal crisis can be fatal so I have to be within reasonable driving distance from a hospital until (and if) I recover from my secondary adrenal insufficiency. Maybe one day I will be able to live closer to Clear Creek but, for now, I know God has other plans for me. 

For now, I keep reminding myself of the words my spiritual director told me: I’m a missionary, in a way. My spiritual home is in Oklahoma but I live several states away in California. As an Oblate, I belong to the monastery but I cannot live there. No matter where I will live and move to, I will always be a representative of the monastery. I have to be very conscious that what I do won’t reflect badly on them. 

My failures aren’t a reflection of them but I really don’t want to let them down so I’m trying to be more aware of what I say and do. In a way, this is all preparing me for a life as (God willing) a consecrated virgin as well. Just like I represent CC as an oblate, I’ll represent the diocese where I will be consecrated and, to a certain extent, the Church. It honestly makes me feel a little stressed because I know my flaws and my failures and fear that I’ll do something incredibly dumb that will let people down. But, at the same time, I know that God will give me the graces I need to fulfill my vocation as well as I can; I just need to stay close to Him to be able to do that. 

In a way, I will do the opposite of my oblate namesake, St. Therese. She wanted to be a missionary but she ended up being a missionary in her heart, at her Carmel. I will be a missionary out in the world while my heart remains steadfast at Clear Creek. And, ultimately, our true home is Heaven and I need to keep that in mind. I may miss my earthly spiritual home but it’s only my temporary home. And perhaps the longing for my spiritual home will help keep me on track to one day be at my (and our) eternal home in Heaven. 

It’s currently raining (yay!!) so I’m going to go enjoy this wonderful loveliness since we’ve had a very dry year in southern California this year…

… and now I’m remembering how beautiful and green Oklahoma looked when I was at CC. I loved seeing and hearing it rain out there. Le sigh. Lol. 

I hope you’re all doing well! 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!