Fortnight of Murphy's Law (?) and Some Heartache

As you might've noticed, it's been exactly two weeks since I last blogged. No, I didn't plan for the hiatus. In fact, I came up with a number of topics in that time but never seemed to find the time to blog because, as you might've guessed from the post title, I've had a heck of a fortnight. I am not saying that everything that happened were spiritual attacks... but I'm also not saying that they weren't.

The day after my last blog post, I headed to my usual (well, usual up until that Friday) time parked in front of the tabernacle. I'd been doing it for weeks so it wasn't unusual. However, I couldn't get through the Rosary or any prayers. I shook and felt physically ill, which I chalked up to the lack of a proper breakfast since I'd been battling a bit of insomnia the days before. After I left, I felt fine. I've only been back to church once (last week) because every time I've attempted, something happens so that I'm physically unable to even drive to the church. Mostly (as those who follow me on Twitter may have seen) it's been stomach problems that left me feeling terrible and dizzy. Oh, and the last time I went? Anxiety was through the roof and I couldn't even make it through the Rosary (had to do the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy first) because of how bad it was. Of course, when I finished and left, I felt fine. Silly.

How about Mass? Well, I haven't been to Mass (or confession) in two weeks either. The past two Saturdays and Sundays, Murphy's Law has once again set in. Sundays I usually have stomach issues (and dizziness to the point where I couldn't even stand straight last Sunday). It only lasts long enough for me to miss driving to Mass. Last Saturday I was feeling well... but a car hose decided to burst, leaking all the antifreeze and water out of my car. Took the mechanic two hours longer than anticipated to fix it... long enough for me to miss Saturday Vigil Mass.

Spiritual direction? Meeting cancelled last week because my SD ended up having a number of things overlap during the day. That was also the day my mom managed to get off from work early because she had a deep desire to pray in front of the tabernacle while I had my meeting. Yeeeah. Neither of us have managed to pray in a church... yet.

Again, not saying all of these things count as spiritual attacks... but I'm not saying they're not either. It's just curious (let's call it Murphy's Law, shall we?) that all these have happened lately, especially since I have been praying nonstop for two good friends who are discerning the priesthood and one who is discerning religious life. I'm just going to put this meme I found on tumblr here before I continue on:

So, what else has kept me from blogging? Well, I've experienced a good deal of heartache in the past month, but especially in the past two weeks. It doesn't necessarily involve heartache in a romantic sense but definitely in a platonic sense.

Without going into great detail, I've felt greatly disappointed in a friend who I deeply care about. I am using present tense but I don't easily shut off my feelings. Anyway, I actually did the novena of Mary, Undoer of Knots because I had been having a very uneasy feeling about the friendship. Hmm, not sure if uneasy is the right word. I was confused. Yes, that's more accurate. I was confused about the state of our friendship and I wanted clarity so I did the novena. What I didn't anticipate was the friendship completely unraveling.

Again, without going into detail, let's just say that I saw that I was making excuses for how this person had been treating me throughout almost the entirety of our friendship. It was very Jane Bennet of me (as my friends like to say). This person brought out the best in me -- the confidence I needed to be okay with how much I love the faith and the "traditional" aspects of it (i.e. mantillas, Latin Masses, etc) -- but I was being consistently (emotionally) hurt by their actions. The last thing this person did was show me how little respect they have for me as a friend... and I felt a great sense of betrayal that made me say "I'm done." I was blinded before but now I can see things clearly. Now you see why there was confusion on my end? It was a tricky situation.

During my last two confessions, the priests (yes, two different ones) advised me to look closely at my friendships and to distance myself from those that were hurting me. The last two weeks, I haven't had to do much -- my friendships have shown their true colors to me. This friendship that I cherished... well, it needed to end and I needed to see why it needed to end. While I am truly grateful for the wonderful things it brought me, I cannot continue it as it'd become an emotionally taxing roller coaster ride for me.

If these two last weeks of heartbreak have been part of the "Murphy's Law" (or spiritual attacks, if you wish to see them as such) and if they were meant to try to pull me away from God, it did the opposite. Yesterday, I wanted to cry (which, I admit, I'd been doing quite a bit of) but I had an even bigger desire to park myself in front of the tabernacle once again. Instead of it trying to dissuade me from my vocation (because it was somehow tied to it), it didn't sway me to go "well, then, I'll just become a nun or stay single." If anything, it showed me that Mama Mary is looking out for me and that I still felt God's presence. 

Sure, I might not have had the chance to attend Mass or even go pray in a church, but I still pray every day. I don't see what's happened as God not caring for me (though I had a pretty bad night, last week, when I felt almost pushed to believe that not even God cared for me). In fact, I like to believe that while, yes, the heartache stinks, it's all for the best. In the long run this disappointment and these tears will be forgotten and I'll be much happier.

So, there you have it. That's my excuse for not blogging over the past two weeks. I've been wanting to, but things always came up and I spent a good amount of time away from the laptop. Draw your own conclusions whether it was Murphy's Law or spiritual attacks.

I hope to blog more often now that I think (and hope!) I have everything sorted. We shall see. :D

Anyway, I hope y'all have had a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

A Change is Gonna Come

Yes, I had the Sam Cooke song in my head when I thought of the title. ;) While the change is not the same one that Sam Cooke was singing about, I am going through a number of changes and I am optimistic that it will be for the best in the end.

I'm going to start off with the bad changes first. You guys know how I have been having stomach problems since late July-early August of last year? Well, thankfully, I've been able to eat more foods, like fries and fried chicken, though I still can't tolerate many acidic foods. The bad news is that I somehow managed to lose an extra pound so I'm unfortunately underweight at this point. I just found out yesterday (I hadn't been weighed in days). My first reaction was to cry and freak out, but I didn't. I looked at the positive: at least it took 2 months to lose a single pound instead of a week or two like it was two months ago AND all I have to do is just snack more often. I know it's because I hadn't been eating enough calories due to lack of appetite and feeling fullness in my stomach. The good news in all of this is that 1) my pre-stomach problems appetite has been back this past week (which means I'm always hungry and snacking) and 2) yesterday was the first time that I was able to get enough calories (that I counted, anyway) to hopefully start gaining weight. It's going to be a slow progress but I have to be patient. I can do this, no matter how exaggerated some people's comments may be. Seriously, just don't say anything if it's not comforting or supportive. I know God will help me along the way and that's all I need.

Okay, now the good changes. I've been reading this great book called Interior Freedom by Fr. Jacques Philippe (which my good friend, Kerri, sent me for Lent). Though it's a short book (only 134 pages), I'm taking my time reading it because there are a lot of great things that have spoken to me and have made me want to slow down and really think. A lot of what's in the book relates to having anxieties, worries, etc. As I read it, I make notes and reflect on how it'll help me with my anxiety. You know how I wrote that I wanted to cry and freak out over my weight yesterday, but didn't? That's because I took what was in the book and applied it to the situation. Instead of worrying about it and having a full blown panic attack, I just said "Okay, this is happening now. This can be fixed. I have full faith in God that He will help me get out of this situation" and then I let it go. Just like that. Sure, anxiety wanted to creep up on me for the rest of the day but I would say the same thing and then shift my attention elsewhere.

The biggest change within me these past couple of weeks has been growing to trust God more than I have in the past (which is completely necessary in order to grow spiritually) and letting go of my fears. Fears are the driving force behind my anxiety and PTSD. Fear that I won't do a good job on an assignment. Fear that I will lose my mother like I did my father. Fear that I will get hurt somehow. Fear of this. Fear of that. That's absolutely no way to live. Of course, I've gone through traumatic experiences (which resulted in my having a PTSD diagnosis) but I am not going to let it slow me down or define me. I know I'm going to have some off days in which I want to lock myself in my room and not come out but I'm not going to do that. I haven't been doing that. If something gives me anxiety, I still go ahead and do it. I shake as I do it (shaking comes from fear/anxiety) but I still do it. I place all my trust in God and I go forward. And all of this courage comes from the reflections I make while reading the book. (btw, if you suffer from anxiety, depression, stress, worries, etc, I HIGHLY recommend reading the book.)

In the nicest, most charitable way I can think of, I'm going to say that my therapist has not been the right fit for me. I am sure she helps other patients with her methods but we just don't mesh so I haven't been able to get anything out of the sessions. I have gotten more out of the book than I do the sessions (which are ending next week). My faith is the biggest part of who I am. I chose this. When I am asked to identify myself, I say I'm first Catholic and Mexican-Spanish (possibly Irish) American second. I truly believe that the answer to my getting better (both physically and mentally) is in the Lord. I'm not saying "doctors and therapists can't do nothing for me" or anything like that. They are here on earth to help us in whatever way they can help but, if I am given a choice of trusting someone who uses my faith or morals against me or trusting that the Lord will guide me while I find the right person to help me (if it's not something I can do on my own), I'm going to trust Him and place all my worries with Him. And this realization has been huge for me because I'm a worrier by nature and I have often thought that some of my problems just needed concrete evidence as an explanation.  No more. More trusting and letting go and less worrying.

This blog post has gone in a different direction than I intended but, what can you do? Sometimes you just need to write things out without having a clear idea of what you want to share.

Anyway, I need to go pick up my mom from work (poor mom has been having problems with one foot and can barely walk at the end of the day). Sorry for the long post. ;)

If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way. If you're celebrating St. Patrick's Day tomorrow, remember not to go too crazy as we're still in Lent. ;) Have a great weekend, everyone!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Big Update Post: Health; Lent Failures and Successes

Wow. I haven't blogged in over a week. Sorry. It's been a crazy busy week. I received my test results on Thursday (which I will write about), my brother arrived from Texas on Friday for a visit (and he's still here), and my weekend was crazy (Mondays count as my weekend since I take off Sundays and Mondays). Breathe, Emmy... breathe. Let's recap how crazy things are, shall we?

If you haven't already read via my twitter and/or the blog's FB page, I am completely healthy... on paper. Upper GI results came back with good news: no damage to my stomach, esophagus, or any other part that they checked. No acid reflux as far as they can see (though the doctor said I might still have some). No ulcer. No H. Pylori. My blood test results are perfect. The doctor is stumped. The problem is that I still have some problems eating. I had Spanish rice for the first time since late summer a couple of days ago and I had no immediate reaction. It was only until the next day that the acid was a bit uncomfortable and I didn't feel 100%. Thankfully it's less than before. I haven't tried all foods but I'm starting to try some of my old staples. Tackled homemade fries as I wrote this out and so far so good (whoo!).

Right now I'm aiming for a healthier weight and to exercise a bit more (I've been starting slowly as per my doctor's suggestion). I'm technically at a "normal" weight at the moment but it's at the very low end (only a step to the right from being considered underweight) so I want to gain a bit more. 2000 calories per day to achieve this goal... let's do this! ;) As for still being sick, I'm hoping that I am able to eat a bit more now that I'm off my bland diet. My next doctor appointment isn't until late April so let's hope I gain at least 5 pounds in the meantime. And, don't worry, I don't obsessively check my weight. I do it once every couple of days (no more than twice a week) to make sure I haven't lost more weight in the process. I (thankfully) still hold a healthy image about weight. I wouldn't even bother weighing myself or counting calories if I wasn't asked to. lol.

Have I thanked y'all for all of your prayers the last couple of months? No? Well, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I know some of you have messaged me throughout the last couple of months (and especially the last two weeks) and I firmly believe that I've found strength and peace of mind because of them. Just one more: THANK YOU!

What else is going on? Lent has been both a success and a failure thus far. Blargh. Why a failure? Because I haven't been able to not fast or to not eat meat on Fridays. I hopefully will this coming Friday but thus far, failure. Not to mention that it hasn't been overall hard for me since all I "gave up" were non-Catholic books. I have four books going on simultaneously (Interior Freedom by Fr. Jacques Philippe, Preparation for Death by St. Alphonsus Maria de Liguori, A Lenten Journey with Jesus Christ and St. Therese of Lisieux by Fr. John F. Russell O.Carm, and the Catechism of the Catholic Church) but I'm enjoying myself. It's not a challenge. In this way I feel like I've failed. However, it's still early enough that I can fix this.

What I ended up deciding to do (with the help of my confessor) is to give up my time spent online; especially on Fridays when I can't skip on not eating meat (while I try to figure out non-meat items that I can eat without problems on Fridays). I will most likely continue to give up my time on social networks after 12:00 p.m. on Fridays throughout Lent (even when I don't eat meat) because it'll be hard for me. I'm not addicted to social networks but I do spend quite a bit of time on them (especially twitter) so it'll be good for me to cut back on that and focus on my main guy (God).

Successes thus far include the end of the 54 day Rosary novena. I'm not calling victory yet as I'm not done, but the last day will hopefully be on Friday so I'm almost there. It's been a struggle. I've had some hard days that have produced "maybe you should give me" thoughts... which are quickly followed by "get your butt behind me, Evil One... I'm finishing this thing!" It's good to use my stubbornness productively. lol. It's become such a big part of my day (included in my nightly prayers) that I feel like I'm going to have to get a new novena (quick, someone send me a big intention that requires a novena!) so that I don't feel it as much as I think I will when it's over. Is it possible to be addicted to novenas? If so, no one get me help! lol.

Anyway, the local parish has confessions on Tuesday evenings so I'm going to stop writing so I can do some vacuuming before I go. I want to go to Mass, stay for confession afterwards, and then spend some time in front of the tabernacle before I put myself to bed at 8-9 p.m. Since Pope Benedict XVI's last Papal Audience will be shown live on EWTN at 1 a.m. PST, I want to get a nap in before it happens. I get up at 4 a.m. regardless (to drive my mother to work) but I still want to get a bit of sleep in so I'm not a complete zombie tomorrow. I already warned my family I will most likely be in tears so they've been warned if they hear me reaching for tissues at that time. lol.

That's it for now. I hope y'all are having a good start of week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

7 Quick Takes #3

--- 1 ---

Yesterday was my dreaded/anticipated doctor's appointment; the first one since my stomach problems started two months ago. Good news: my complete blood work came back to normal. Not completely good news (but not terrible): My doctor said that they're going to do an Upper GI X-ray in 2 months (on Ash Wednesday of all days!) because she can't figure out what's causing my stomach problems. When I asked her what I could eat, she said that she didn't know because we aren't sure what's causing certain foods to make me feel weak/faint/sick. I took that as my being able to return back to a normal diet and if something makes me feel faint/sick (i.e. french fries), not to eat it. That means that I may have a couple of sick days while I figure out what I can and cannot eat. On the bright side, I am no longer restricted to only grilled chicken, oatmeal, and toast anymore. :D

--- 2 ---

Well, What I Learned Wednesday (#WILW) is off to a good start. Though there were only two linked posts, I did get some enthusiasm about participating in it from some of the CathSorority gals. I hope that we'll see more of them next week. By the way, if you're wondering what it is (for the tl;dr crowd): You write about your progress in learning about the Faith during the Year of Faith and you document it on Wednesday. It can be a blog post or a tweet; I accept both. :)

--- 3 ---

Novel update: my three beta readers have received the first half of it (162 pages; yeah, it's a long one) and so far the feedback has been positive. True, they are some of my best friends but I know that if something is off, they'll let me know. I ask for brutal honesty and I get it. lol. As of now, the title is still Will and Lina though I may change it when I am not preoccupied with freelance work.

--- 4 ---

As Mike from Distracted Catholic said on Wednesday, I had a "fangirl" moment when I heard that one of my favorite artists, Hunter Hayes, was nominated for three Grammy awards. I am a big, huge fan of his so... you know, I celebrated. Sue me. He's a good, Catholic guy (yes, he's Catholic - I had my sources confirm it ;D) and he's ridiculously talented. When it comes to him and Pope Benedict XVI, ooh, girl... I fangirl like I was a teenager. lol. I think I picked good people to "fangirl" over so I'm happy with my choices.

--- 5 ---

And, speaking of Papa Benedicto, who isn't following his twitter?! I started following him the minute I got home from daily Mass. I'm actually really excited about his presence on twitter. I don't know how often he'll send tweets or how often he'll engage with us, but I think that it'll bring more people to Christ and to the Truth. Yes, there is so much anti-Catholic hatred being spewed from the so-called "tolerant" left but it should ignite a flame in the hearts of some (currently) lukewarm Catholics. Reversions, here we come. ;)

--- 6 ---

On Wednesday I found out about the passing of two great people. First, one of my favorite jazz artists, Dave Brubeck, passed. I am not quite sure why but I was surprisingly emotional over it. I ended up listening to his music early in the day because of it. Later in the day, we found out that my mom's Godmother had passed away. She was 94 years old. I had not seen my mom cry like that since my father's death (and never before that) so it broke my heart. My mom, who was adopted, felt that her Godmother and her daughter (who is another one of my mom's Godmothers) were like her second mothers so she's mourning the loss of a mom. Please keep both the Brubeck and Mendoza families (as well as my mama) in your prayers.

--- 7 ---

To not end on a downer, here's two of my favorite tumblr pictures of the week.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Hope y'all had a great week and a stellar weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride. Or Not.

Yes, I'm quoting this song from Lilo and Stitch. lol. Not my most creative blog title but I didn't know how else to title it and I'm not feeling 100% great so it'll do. ;)

Well, this and last week have indeed been a roller coaster ride. There have been more downs than ups but the ups have been amazing. I don't know where to start so I'll start with the bad and end with the good. :D

Well, as you might've read via my twitter or the blog's FB page, I was diagnosed with having gastritis and GERD yesterday. FUN. Not. lol. It did explain the stomach issues I've been having lately. I thought it was an ulcer but the doctor said it was just gastritis with some GERD problems, aggravated by the stress and anxiety I've been having. So that's two bouts of food poisoning, an allergic reaction to an antacid, and these two things in the span of two weeks. Oh yeah... life has been interesting. lol. I am hoping the meds the doctor gave me (Pepcid) will help... and that I don't have an allergic reaction to it. Today's been one of the harder days this week so that's been fun. lol. St. Charles Borromeo and St. Timothy, pray for me.

And speaking of St. Charles Borromeo, I had something very interesting happen yesterday. I spent an hour trying to get a doctor's appointment (well, the last try over the course of a week and a half) and then a while longer with my health insurance. They all said they could do nothing... and a nurse told me, very rudely, that if I was desperate and blah blah blah, to go to the Emergency Room since they could do squat for me. After I dejectedly hung up on them, I said aloud "St. Charles Borromeo, may you intercede for me while I wait for that doctor's appointment. May God show me what I need to do in the meantime" and then went back to a writing assignment I had. An hour later, I received a call on my cell phone. A man on the phone told me that there was a cancellation for 3 p.m. (the call was at 1 p.m.) and asked if I could make it. Well, of course. I just wanted to be seen because I felt horrible. I got there... and they had no record of my appointment. No one knew who called me (I didn't get his name and the fact that someone called me was strange enough to have both receptionists give each other the "what the...?" look). They looked into it but, from what I saw, it was a mystery. However, they indeed had a cancellation and I was there so... they squeezed me with an available doctor. Don't know who the man was, don't know what happened, but I am grateful for it. And huge thanks to St. Charles Borromeo for his incredible speedy intercession.

Ick. I can feel the symptoms getting worse soon... which means it's time to get something in my stomach  (eating something small and bland every 2-3 hours to alleviate symptoms). Before I go I also wanted to share something exciting. Well, exciting for me.

Some of you may remember that I alluded to a new writing project a few days ago. I can proudly announce that my first post for HR Block's Block Talk blog is up. My first post (New Grads, Move Back in with Your Parents. Really) covers 5 tips which I've seen help new graduates... especially those who are currently unemployed or underemployed. And before you ask, yes, that is my real name (as opposed to my pen name/nickname which I use on here and on twitter). I'm still Emmy to friends, and it's still my preferred name, but Melissa is my proper name. :) And before I move on, a huge "Thank you!" to Scott for giving me this great opportunity. :)

Alright, I have to go feed the gnawing feeling in my stomach before it makes me feel faint again. No worries, I will be fine with the help of the meds. Our Lord has my back, I can feel it. :D

I hope you are all having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D