I Should Be Angry But I'm Grateful

Before I start: happy feast of the Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary! I love focusing on this (Mama Mary being crowned Queen of Heaven and Earth) when doing the Glorious mysteries and I will do this extra mystery when I pray my Rosary tonight. Also, happy belated feast of Our Lady of Knock (which was yesterday). I did remember and I wanted to mention it on social media yesterday (Hibernophile in the house!) but I had so much going on that I didn't get the chance.

I've been incredibly overwhelmed in the past week. It's been a rollercoaster of wonderful moments and of low moments that could have become very discouraging but ended up bringing me closer to God. It would be too much to cover in a single post so here's the biggest part of it.

Last Saturday, I went to urgent care for my dizziness since I spent 3 consecutive days dizzier than I was used to. It was supposed to be quick trip since it takes forever and a day to get an appointment with my regular doctor but because of my history of low platelets (and considering that I'd had a lot of headaches over the past month), they wheeled me (I was so dizzy I couldn't walk properly) to the emergency room.

There, doctors first looked at my platelets and iron levels since those could easily be culprits of the dizziness and lightheadedness I've experienced for weeks. My platelets had taken another dip down but were still over the 100k level and it wasn't the lowest I've ever had them so they didn't think it was the cause. Since I had no other worrying symptoms, they discharged me.

Yesterday I had my (now) regular hematology appointment. It was a new doctor. I had low blood pressure yesterday (which can explain the constant lightheadedness) but she explained that my records show that it's normal for me to have low (but not dangerously low) blood pressure; that she herself has them around the same levels. I received the news that my iron and hemoglobin levels (and, basically, everything) were steady and I've been anemia-free for a couple of months now... but the fact that the platelets dipped for the 2-3 time this year wasn't sitting well with her.

They can't figure out why my platelets have been low for years. For a while, they considered that it was due to my folate and iron levels but those seem to have stayed within the normal range (I get the exact numbers in half an hour of when I'm writing them) so they ruled those out. I don't get sick often (as in colds or the flu; I can go years without a cold). I've never had surgery. I don't bleed easily or much when I get cuts or even when I go to the dentist. I continue to be a medical mystery to them for now... but that may change.

The doctor saw how exhausted I was yesterday; you just had to look at my face. You can't fake the fatigue I was feeling. 1) I'm not an actress (my face would easily give me away if I were lying) and 2) my conscience would eat at me if I had lied about that. I told her about when the fatigue hits the hardest, including after the consumption of wheat. She asked me to list all the symptoms I get when I eat wheat. She asked me if I had the same reaction with other carbohydrates (rice, tortillas, etc) and when I said I didn't, she zeroed in on gluten as a possible cause for my lowered platelets.

You know how I've blogged about gluten/celiac blood tests coming back negative in the past? Guess what... the doctors had either lied or they were overruled in the past because it had never been done! I had several doctors say that they were going to test it but they never did. I'm not sure if it was because they were resident doctors and their supervisors overruled the decisions, if the hospital didn't want to administer it until I saw a hematologist and my platelets continued to lower, or if I was simply lied to because they thought I was a hypochondriac with a history of anxiety but, whatever the reason was, it was never administered. They did do other autoimmune tests that came back negative (which is what I think they told was negative when I asked) but never for celiac.

I should be angry about it. I've been telling them for years that I've had a suspicion that my health issues (namely, the platelets) might've been caused by gluten. I noticed that my platelets went up when I went on an entirely gluten-free diet (and I even abstained from receiving the Eucharist for 6-months at one point) and how they go down when I reintroduced wheat into my diet. For whatever reason, nothing was done... until now. Again, I should be angry but I'm not.

I'm grateful that a doctor finally got past whatever loops had to be jumped to get me the tissue transglutaminase IgA test. I'm grateful that God gave me the strength and the courage to drive to the hospital (despite being as fatigued and lightheaded as I felt). I'm hopeful (and, honestly, also a little fearful) that this test may give us the answers we (Mom and I) have been waiting literally years for.

Having a positive celiac intolerance result would mean tweaking my diet even more which scares me in the sense that it would restrict my already restricted diet (can't have dairy, eggs, spinach, and some fish). It will also mean being more pro-active about my spiritual life because I would need to talk to the priests where I usually attend Mass about receiving a low-gluten host which is Vatican approved and which many people with celiac have been able to receive without a problem.

I've been praying about my health for years... since I was an undergrad at the CINO college when I first became aware of my platelets being lower than normal. I've resigned myself to enduring all the health issues for as long as necessary as long as it was God's will. I know that I'm going through all of this for a reason unbeknownst to me but which will be for the benefit of my soul.

At the same time, I've prayed that I get healthy so that I can live out what I believe to be my vocation in a manner that would not be burdensome on anyone else. Even if it takes longer (at least 3 months since I won't get my results for this test until November 20th), I know that it's all part of God's greater plans for me and I just need to accept that with as much patience, grace, and courage as needed... which I know God will give me.

I have so much more to say but I think this is enough for this post. The other isn't health-related so I'll save that for tomorrow or the next day, whenever I am able to. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for their continued prayers. I know that it's because of them that I haven't defaulted into the worried, panic-attack stricken gal I once used to be. :)

I hope y'all are having a great start of the week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #15: Gluten Free Catholic Edition

I didn't plan to have the last two WILW posts to be themed but that is life for you. ;)

Since yesterday's doctor appointment ended with my doctor telling me that I should avoid eating wheat, I thought about what this meant to me since I love to receive the Eucharist as frequently as possible. I love daily Mass and receiving the Eucharist is the cherry on top of that dairy-free sundae. Because we don't know whether it's a wheat allergy or if I have Celiac Disease (yes, there's a difference between the two), we don't know whether I can receive the low-gluten hosts and/or just the altar wine.

Oh, side note, a little background on my situation: I've been eating foods made out of mostly brown rice flour and cereal that's gluten free for the past couple of months because I wanted to see if it was the reason why my stomach problems going haywire. The only wheat I allowed in my system was in the Eucharist. I had no problem with the hosts and I was (have been) on the mend. A week before my doctor appointment, I reintroduced wheat into my system in the form of Bisquick pancake mix. Stomach problems started the first day. Anxiety, headaches, "brain fog", and extreme fatigue shortly followed (all of these, btw, point to Celiac disease). Anxiety also has the same symptoms so I don't know if it's one or the other. I haven't had wheat since Monday morning (last trip to Disneyland) and I haven't felt as exhausted as I did last week. So it may be or may not. My county health insurance doesn't cover the blood tests to determine anything, nor can I afford to pay for it out of pocket, so we're just winging it at the moment.

Since I forgot to ask my doctor whether I could try the low-gluten hosts at yesterday's appointment (remember, I had no reaction with the host on its own) and have to wait until tomorrow to call and ask, here are some of the options I have found for fellow gluten-free Catholics.

1. Gluten free hosts are invalid but low-gluten hosts are allowed. I'm very much a "by the rules" kind of gal. If it's illegal, I don't do it. No, not even jaywalking. If something's against Church teachings or against what the Vatican (i.e. CDF) says, I avoid it. So, of course, when this issue came up, I looked into it. The USCCB clearly states that the hosts must have some wheat in order for it to be valid. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI (back when he was Prefect of the CDF) said it himself. Low-gluten alternatives are available (and they thankfully also list places you can order them from) and I could easily pay for those out of my own pocket as they are inexpensive (and worth it even if they were costly).

2. If you can't have any gluten at all, you can still receive the graces by taking the Precious Blood only. As I inquired (via Twitter this morning) what some Celiac Catholics did, I learnt that some drink the wine from a separate chalice. I've personally had the wine only a handful of times since my first communion because the doctor has me avoiding alcohol due to my anxiety. However, if I have to be 100% gluten-free, I am going to have make special arrangements. I don't know if they have any Celiac Catholics at my parish so I don't know if there is already a separate chalice for them or if one will have to be purchased... which I will, again, do out of my own pocket. I don't believe in burdening the parish with additional costs because of something that is my own problem so I'm going to have to save up or even take donations if it takes too long (which, if you know me, you know will be hard for me as I was brought up to earn things by my own hard work and not to take advantage of anyone's generosity). I already looked at the prices at Cotters (local supplier to parishes; I could live in this store) and it's going to be a dent in my wallet.

3. If for some reason you can't have low gluten hosts OR even the smallest amount of the wine, the only option left is to receive spiritual communion. This is the option that I am dreading the most because it won't be the same. I actually feel like tearing up thinking that this may be my only option. I will not get ahead of myself though. And, if it is the only option, I pray to God that I will grow more in my spirituality and grow closer to Him despite my not being able to physically receive Him. If this is what I must do, I must learn to change how I do things while still strengthening my own faith.

Like I said, I am not going to get ahead of myself but I am looking at my options. I pray that the Holy Spirit helps my doctor come up with the best decision for me and my health. I think I'm going to do the 9-Hour Novena to the Infant of Prague as well. We'll see how it all goes.

If you know anyone who has a wheat allergy or cannot have gluten (or, at least, think that it may be the cause of their health problems), please pass this along. I am sure I will write more about the topic later on.

Anyway, I have to go pick up my mom from work (please pray for her - she's been having problems with her right foot for months now and she's on her feet all 8 hours).

I hope you're all having a great week thus far. If you have any prayer requests, please send them by way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D