Youthful Looks, Childlike Wonder, and How Opinions Affect Me

This is not going to be one of those "wah, no one takes me seriously" posts. It's going to be... well, you'll see. It's going to be relatively short, too. ;)

I have something that is both a blessing and a "curse" -- my youthful looks. I have to admit, it's kind of funny to see people's eyes bug out when I tell them I'm a decade older than they think I am. I usually get between the ages of 16 and 20 (with 19 being the most common age guessed) even though I'm actually a few short months away from my 29th birthday. Yes, I know it's not lady-like to say how old I am but most people don't believe me anyway. However, as fun as that may be at times, it's also a "curse" because people don't take me as seriously as I'd like because they think I am too young.

Here is my dilemma: life is a continuous learning experience and I still have very "child-like wonder" when it comes to certain things. I'm interested in seeing how things work and/or learning new things I don't know much about so I tend to ask a lot of questions. A lot. I don't care if the questions sound silly; if I want to know something, I'll ask in a way that will help me get the information I'm looking for. Sometimes I get these "where did that come from?" or "wow, how precocious" comments because they think I'm just a kid. It can be a little insulting at times but I've gotten use to it at this point.

Long story short... I was listening to Sr. Mary Magdalene of the Divine Heart (formerly Channing Dale)'s old podcast, This Catholic Life (still up on iTunes), and the fifth episode (in which she talks about St. Therese of Lisieux) reminded me of an old blog post I wrote a few years ago about having that childlike wonder. I can't find that blog post now but I do remember writing and posting it. Anyway, it got me thinking about how different my blog posts were then versus how they are now.

Now, I know that it shouldn't be a surprise that the posts are different. I was 22 years old when I started this blog; that was 6 years ago this past Christmas. I know that I've grown and changed... but I've also become very aware that a big part of why my posts have changed has been because of others' opinions of me and what I should be writing about. Look at my posts from May 2009 and earlier and compare it to one of 2010 and later. Completely different tones. Yes, you can also say that my father's death really changed me but I really think it's more of the comments I got.

Anyway, as I was listening to the podcast (and reminding myself that I needed to find something else to give up for Lent), it hit me that I've lost the joy of blogging because I feel like I can't express myself the way I was used to. I feel like I've gotten so much of the "oh, how cute; she's so young!" comments (along with the very "helpful" comments about what I should and should not write) that I've stifled that part of myself in order to not seem as young as I look. I took listening to Sr. Mary Magdalene's voice to make me realize just how utterly silly that is. I am still very young at heart and I still have that childlike wonder even though I'm in my late 20s. Yes, this is why I get excited about going to Disneyland. lol.

What's the point to all of this? Well... just be prepared for the "old" "precocious" Emmy to start writing again. I'm sorry but I'm done caring what negative things others say about me. It's taken this people-pleaser years to get out of the habit but I'm prepared to really give it up for Lent... and for good. It's going to be easier said than done but I am writing it because I want to be held accountable. So, if you see me going down that road on Twitter... feel free to call me out on it.

I'm sure some of you will read some of my upcoming blog posts and say to yourselves "ugh, you didn't know that?" or "ugh, why are you asking such a dumb question?" but I want you to remember that I am still learning about the faith and about life in general. I am still very young in some ways and I may not always be eloquent in how I ask things but it's because I am so enthusiastic in what I am learning that I cannot always contain that excitement. Please, bear with me.

Also, a friendly reminder: "childlike" and "childish" are two completely different things that should not be confused with each other. Capisce? lol.

Just a little heads up in case you don't want to keep going on this journey with me; it won't hurt my feelings.

Anyway, I really want to finish listening to episode 6 before I do anything else so that's it for now. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Spiritual Direction, Growth, and Novenas

People complain (with good reason, btw) about misleading blog and article titles so I thought it would be good to let y'all know exactly what will be in this blog post. No surprises, promise. ;)

Last Thursday I had my first proper spiritual direction meeting in (I kid you not) 5 years. It took a while to find a good priest with whom I could talk openly without feeling self-conscience. For the record, I was open to other spiritual directors but it just happened that the one I found is an awesome priest. :D Anyway, it was much needed. I've been feeling stuck in my spiritual life and I needed someone to talk to about it. Of course, I can't say what I talked to him about but I definitely got a chance to work out some things that I was struggling with.

While I know my vocation and I feel at peace with the change of career, there are still things that I need help figuring out. While I wait to fulfill my vocation as wife and mother I have to take care of myself; not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I need to work on having a better relationship with God before I can do anything else. I will never stop growing in my relationship with the Lord and I occasionally need to change things, like my prayer life, in order to be able to continue to keep growing. The things that worked for me in my early to mid 20s were great because they helped me in my reversion back to the faith... but I feel like I'm ready for the next step. I reverted to the Faith seven years ago this month (this week, I think). I've learned a lot and I still learn something new every day. (Side note: I should really try harder to keep up my What I Learned Wednesday posts since I am still learned... and everyone seems to have either forgotten that we're in the Year of Faith or the enthusiasm for it has died down since it's not the "new" ("shiny") thing for us.) I will, of course, share the journey with y'all but it may be slow. I can't expect things to change overnight.

One thing I will share with y'all is something I learned (or, I should say, I was reminded of) over the weekend. Seeing Channing deactivate her Twitter and Facebook accounts (as she is entering Carmel soon; listen to her vocation journey here) and remembering that Pope Francis didn't want to be Pope reminds me that God's will for us is greater and better than what we have planned for ourselves. We get so wrapped up in our own problems (i.e. I get stressed out over my stomach problems and my mom's gradual loss of memory) and other things that we fail to remember that we owe it to God and ourselves to let things go, to trust Him, and to try to do His will. As I told my spiritual director, I do trust God but my PTSD and anxiety occasionally has me wanting to have some control instead of letting go completely. It's something I have to work on because I know He will take care of me. If I suffer, oh well, I will learn and use it to grow closer to Him. I need to get out of the "me, me, me" mentality and focus on Him. I am starting to sound redundant so I'll stop here. ;)

Anyway, I am going to try to live up to my "novena machine" nickname (y'all would be surprised how many people and how often I get asked to do novenas -- which I love to do! Seriously, load me up!). I won't be posting this week's WILW post because I don't want double posts during the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena that begins tomorrow.

A few friends on Twitter already signed up for it so I want to keep the posts consistent so that no one misses a day. If you want to join in, let me know. If you want a daily reminder on Twitter or the blog's FB page and I'll gladly remind you. :D

And now I should really get going because I have tutoring to do in about half an hour and I want to prepare since it's the first session with the new student. :)

I hope you all had a great weekend (and didn't fail to go to Mass like I did - long story that involved anxiety, lightheaded/weakness, and stomach problems keeping me home). Don't forget to check out my twitter or this blog daily for the day's Bl. Pier Giorgio novena prayers (scheduled to go up at 8 a.m. PST).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D