Merry Christmas; 2 Year Anniversary

I just wanted to stop by and wish everyone a Merry Christmas! What a wonderful, joyous holiday... to think that Our Lord was born and gave a new light and hope to the world. :D I hope y'all remember what the day is truly about, and less about the materialistic aspects the overly secular society wants to you focus on.

Also, hey, it's this blog's two year anniversary. Two years ago, today, I decided (spur of the moment decision) to start a blog and chronicle my life coming back to the Church. Though I believe I have grown up quite a bit (and this is based on looking at the first couple of entries I wrote), I don't think my journey is. I hope I get to write more in the second year. :)

Again, I wish you all a Merry Christmas! God bless you all! :D

- Emmy Cecilia

Much Better; Feeling the Love of the Blessed Virgin Mary

I am feeling better today. I missed class yesterday because I woke up feeling very warm (and I was, I checked with a thermometer) and with a headache. Ugh. I honestly like missing class because I feel like I fall more and more behind. There's no way I would've been well in class though. My temperature didn't go down (much) for the rest of the day but at least the headache stopped until about after 1 p.m. But, positive thing, I was able to rest a little (which means faster recovery) and I got to feel closer to our beloved Mother, Mary. :D

I went through a really hard time yesterday morning. I shut the door in my room, knelt down in front of the big Our Lady of Guadalupe and bawled my eyes out. Of course, I also prayed in between sobs. Feeling like crumbs, I somehow found the strength to kneel and stay like that for quite some time. I asked Our Lady to help me understand why some things were said and why I felt the way I did. There was a time when I asked her to please make someone stop saying what they were because it really hurt my feelings, but I ended up changing it to "please help them understand that what that person is saying is very hurtful and doesn't help matters." I honestly felt very alone... and then, a bit later, I had this beautiful feeling like there's no way I'm alone. It's really weird but I felt as though I had our Blessed Virgin Mary there with me. I don't know how many Hail Marys I prayed (I lost count) until I felt better, but I DID feel better.

Every time I go through something where I feel like that -- like I'm alone in this world -- I always pray to her, and to the Lord, to please help me feel like I'm not alone. And every time I ask that of them, I always feel a warmth in my heart that's indescribable. It erases irrational thoughts I have in my head and it makes me feel so much closer to Our Blessed Mother and to Our Lord. It's amazing. I wish I'd started doing this, praying to them, at a earlier age (despite being the youngest of 7, I grew up as if I were an only child)... it would've saved me a lot of heartache. It is definitely something I will teach my (future) children to do. Hopefully they won't stray as I did; though I'm incredibly happy that I found my way back. :D

Alright, well, I'm going to go over my notes for the Philosophy of Logic course because we have a big test due today... then go read Sir Gawain and the Green Knight for British Lit... then try to finish my History of World Religions assignments early... so I can cram for my BIG MIDTERM (oh, how I dread that word) exam for Oceanography. Remember, my Oceanography course crams 16 weeks worth of work into 8 weeks so it's midterm time. *shudders* Prayers to St. Joseph of Cupertino, St. Thomas Aquinas, and St. Dymphna (for my sanity) will be said this entire week. Oh yeah... bring it on! lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Decisions and Changes.

If you had the choice to attend a school where you were comfortable at and would be receiving a great amount to attend, but knew you would struggle to stay morally and spiritually right, would you stay? If you had the alternative of attending another school where you would have a hard time in terms of financial aid and stress, but knew that you would be able to stay on the right path, would you rather go there? These were the questions that I had/have to deal with.

I was excited about attending school A (where I was comfortable) but I was noticing that, though I tried to stay as righteous as I could, I would struggle. In the first 2 days that I went to my courses at school A, I was very surprised at how quickly I'd fallen back into the routine I had when I first attended said school. This was prior to my coming back to the Church. I swore like a sailor (and I'm ashamed of that). It was a lot easier for me to say the Lord's name in vain (even though I didn't really think about doing it). I think that's what the problem was... I didn't think my actions through before I did them. I caught myself MANY TIMES coming very close to saying the Lord's name in vain this past week. All unintentionally but, ugh, I hate doing that. Thankfully, I was able to stop myself. I saw myself going back to the way I was and I refuse to be that person again. I've worked very hard to get where I am now. Not only that, I simply don't want to offend God in any way, shape, or form. I have too much love and respect for Him and the Church to do that. That meant I had to do the hard thing and leave a place of comfort to go somewhere I would be humbled.

Last night, I dropped all my courses and decided to go back to school B where I was at last fall. Everyone's pretty shocked that I did this because I've always said that I completely disliked school B but I feel like it's for the best. I will have financial aid issues with school B but I would rather get little to no financial aid than to compromise my beliefs and turn myself back to who I was then. At school A, I would be taking my Philosophy and Religious Studies courses with mostly ultra-liberal professors (with the exception of the Philosophy of Religion class I was taking). At school B, I am more free to express my beliefs about God and about faith without the professors penalizing me for it. And, at school B I know that I can stay on the path that I was going down on, which is a path of prayer, without it being such an issue like it was at school A. I don't think I ever swore/cursed at any point when I attend school B.

The argument that I could be at either school and just really work hard at not straying has come up in my mind. I completely agree... but I also think that I'm still learning how to stay on the right path. I'm very strong willed and all but there are some things I still need to work on and going to school A would just set me back.

I see it this way -- for example: Let's say you're completely bored and want to go see a movie. Film A (which represent school A) is a very mature rated R movie that you could go watch for free, and you'll even get free popcorn and a drink. You know it would be bad for you because of the content but you say to yourself that it's just a movie; no big deal. You'll just cover your eyes during certain scenes. Now, let's say Film B (school B) is a tame, rated G movie that you have to pay your last $20 to see. You know that you'll be broke if you see it but know that the content won't be unsuitable. With Film A, you can try to cover your eyes but there's always the temptation and the possibility of watching the icky scenes in a moment of weakness. With Film B, yes, you'll be broke but you won't feel guilty afterward and won't have to go to confession for it. Which would you choose? Hopefully, Film B... which is what I did. I would rather have to work hard physically and mentally to keep myself ahead (and basically be broke) than to work hard to keep myself spiritually and morally right with many temptations around. It's easier to fall in situation/film/school A than it is in B.

So, now I will have yet another first day of school when I return to school B next Wednesday. I already have my courses set, and I've spoken to professors who have vowed to help me out (I have an amazing English Lit professor) in case I need it. I'm armed with my Rosary and novena so I am not going to stress out, and am surprisingly anxiety and stress free -- SERIOUSLY!, because I have faith that God will help me if I truly need it. This is yet another one of those obstacles that I have to get through to become a better person.

Okay, I think I've bored y'all enough with my little situation. lol. I hope to have time to write quite a bit soon. I STILL have a blog I'm planning so keep your eyes out for it.

I will be praying for of all you who are going back to school. Anyone else counting down the days 'til Christmas break? I already am. Hahaha. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Go Liverpool!; Anxiety and Catholicism, St. Dymphna.

I just watched the Liverpool vs. Sunderland game and let me tell you, Fernando Torres is a monster (in a good way)! Haha. I yelled and celebrated before saying "Torres, you are one beautiful man for scoring!" lol. I get a little too into soccer matches, especially if they are Liverpool matches. If my neighbors hadn't woken up by 9:30 a.m. (remember I'm on the U.S. West Coast), they definitely did with my yelling. Haha. I hope they will continue to do well throughout the season. And, good luck to everyone's team... even if you are a Manchester United (ugh) fan (like one of my best friends is). Yes, it is possible for Liverpool and Man Utd fans to be friends. Haha. :D

Oh, and before I continue with what I want to write about anxiety and Catholicism, the EEG test went a lot quicker than I had anticipated. My mom said it took them 45 minutes from start to finish. That strobe light that flashes when you have your eyes closed totally messed up my calm/zen feeling but it wasn't anything I couldn't control. Thank goodness that was only for about 2-3 minutes though. eesh. My props to those who have had that test done with anxiety worse than mine. You are brave souls.

And while I'm on the topic of anxiety (see how nicely it flows into the main topic? lol), I've noticed that quite a number of people who read the blog have discovered it while searching for anxiety related things that have to do with Catholicism. While I had my pretty strong attack yesterday (the EEG test has thrown me off balance a bit), I had an epiphany... which was actually a repeat of the first one I had a few weeks ago.

For some time now, I've asked the Lord to give me peace of mind when I have my anxiety attacks. It's very easy (depending on how bad your anxiety is) to completely wig out and start with the negative thoughts. "Oh, I'm going to die", "Something's wrong with me!", "I'm never going to get better!", "I'm hopeless", etc. I've had some of those thoughts before, particularly during the really intense attacks, but I've completely put myself in the hands of the Lord so I feel more at ease when I get sick. I think that when you do something like that, you feel more in control (in a sense) because you know that whatever happens it's because it's the Lord's will. Every time I get sick now, I say, "Please give me the strength to overcome this, if it's the Lord's will. If I have to endure it for a longer period of time, please give me the strength and courage to deal with this for as long as I have to." I've had anxiety for years (since I was 15) but I've gotten to a point where it no longer gets to me the way it used to because I've realized that I can only get stronger from it. Yes, I have attacks and sometimes those attacks make me feel like the world is caving in around me, or I get so frustrated that all I can do is cry. But then I remind myself that there are people in this world who are so far worse than I am.

There are people who have illnesses and circumstances that are very grave. There are children, who are defenseless, who suffer from things like life-threatening cancer. Innocent people suffer far worse than I do. It really makes you put things into perspective. Yes, I (and others who have anxiety and other nervous illnesses) go through something that's indescribably horrible... but at least we have hope of getting better. I think people should be more grateful for all they have and should focus on helping others who truly need it. And, also, it's always important to remember that we're never alone. God never leaves those in need alone, EVER. Just when things get really bad, remind yourselves that the Lord never gives you anything that you can't handle. There's a reason why we go through what we go through; we just have to have faith that it's all part of God's plans for us. We might not understand the reason, but there is one and it's only going make us stronger. Just think of this verse from the Bible:

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. And so shall the peace of God, which exceeds all understanding, guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

There are many more, which I will hopefully have them all written in a blog fairly soon -- like before I start Fall semester in a week.

One thing we Catholics can also do is pray to St. Dymphna for her intercession. St. Dymphna was an Irish martyr. She was killed by her father, who had gone mad after the death of his wife, for refusing to marry him. You can learn more about her at her wikipedia page (it's legit). I've prayed for her intercession numerous times when I've gone through particularly bad anxiety periods and she's NEVER let me down. I can feel myself very calm after a few minutes of praying the Holy Card I have of her. I scanned it in for those of you who would like to have it (just click on it to make it bigger).



I think the most important thing we can do is pray and have faith that everything will turn out for the best. Pray the Rosary when you're going through a bad time. It's completely amazing how I've completely engrossed myself in prayer and it's brought such peace into my heart, I've been able to eliminate anxiety very quickly.

Alright, I've already written more than I intended to. When do I not? lol. Oh, and quick update: I'm making HUGE steps on the novel/screenplay I'm working on. I'm so excited that God's been blessing me with such an amazing creative kick. I hope I do a good job on it... especially since there might be plans to turn it into a film (which may be filmed at the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe -- did I just give something away? I think I did. *gasp* lol.) *crosses fingers* Okay, wow, I need to stop writing. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Oh, Doctor!; Priest's Satan Dream; Music = Love, Friendship.

Why must the doctors exaggerate things? Seriously, it's like their goal to freak people out -- especially when they don't explain things. I had my follow appointment (which I made 3 months ago when I was sick) yesterday with a new doctor and she right off the bat said that I needed to wear a heart monitor. Doctor says WHAT?! She said my results came back abnormal (the same results VARIOUS doctors have told me were normal) and that they needed to put a 24-hour heart monitor on me in mid-September. That was it. She didn't say what she thought was abnormal, etc etc. Now, the me from 4 months ago would've totally wigged out and my anxiety would've soared sky high. The me now is like "Pfft, whatever. I'll do it to make you guys happy." lol. I feel fine. Yes, I do get palpitations occasionally but I've had those for a while now and I was told that many women have that so not to worry. Also, the palpitations are often caused by anxiety. One of my good friends (who is like a sister to me) had the same thing done to her (only for a longer period of time) and she turned out fine. She said the same thing I've been told, about how a lot of women have that condition. So, I'm totally not gonna stress... and have been surprisingly zen about the whole thing. I think I've reached a point where I have put myself in the Lord's hands so many times that I am no longer worried about what could happen. Take that, anxiety! I am beating you like a drummer beats a drum. lol. :D

Something that was interesting (today), Fr. Roderick spoke about a dream he had about Satan on his podcast, the Daily Breakfast. It was really interesting because I haven't heard a priest I've (sort of) known who's had dreams like that... or that have shared them. You know me, when it comes to dreams about saints, Our Lord, the Blessed Virgin, I am interested. If you want to listen to the podcast please click this link (Satan's Party) so you can hear all the details for Fr. Roderick himself. I wonder if many priests have dreams like this at least once in their lifetime. I know I've only had a few where I've fought against him (yeah, I don't think I've ever blogged about those... I don't remember) but still, those are some creepy things to dream. And if any of you want to share any of your dreams with me, you can either reply to one of the dream blogs or email me at catholicnerdwriter [at] gmail [dot] com. Yes, I got an e-mail address specifically for this blog. :D Moving on...

As I've often said in previous music blogs, I LOVE music. It might even be my first love, after French fries. lol. I can go into this whole rant about how the music industry glorifies drug use, adultery, murder, people going to rehab, etc but I won't. I've already written about Contemporary Christian music so I thought I'd focus on music on a personal level. What I love about music (besides, obviously, THE music) is that it brings people together, sometimes people you wouldn't have met otherwise. I've had many beautiful friendships formed by meeting people with similar music tastes. In fact, one of best friends and I met because we both loved the same band (and, ironically, disliked the same band later on) years ago. It's amazing when I can have a certain album just bring out the best out of me... especially when that album is made by one of my best friends.

I've known this young woman for years. We met when we were teenagers when we were both starting out in our careers (although mine was different back then). She's been through some of the most difficult times with me (through both of my father's cancer battles, dealing with the most evil guy I've ever known, my own illnesses, etc.); basically this girl has been my rock through it all. About 2 years ago, she released her debut album in the U.K. (and last year in Japan) and, I have to say, I love the album and not just because she's one of my best friends. It's upbeat and positive, and it's one of those albums that you can play from start to finish. It's one of those albums that make you smile. Ever have an album that reminds you of an amazing time in your life every time you hear it? That's her album for me. She can be on tour and we'll lose contact for a few weeks, or even months, but if I'm going through something really tough I can always put the CD in and it's like she's there with me without being physically there. It's fantastic what music can, isn't it? I asked her in advance if it was okay to mention her and her album on this blog and she gave me the okay. :D Her name is Misha Williams and you can visit her site by clicking on her name/link. Don't bother asking her who writes this blog, she won't tell. :D lol.

Alright, well, it's still early in the day and I have a million and one things to do so I will stop. And, I think I wrote too much today. lol. Sorry, I'm a writer; it's a habit. :D Hope everyone's doing well. Thanks for reading and God Bless.

And I am back.

I have to make this short, though, because I'm about to go watch "The Nativity Story" which I just got from Netflix.

I am doing MUCH better. Apparently, all my trips to the hospital (3 total in a span of less than 2 weeks) were caused by an intestinal virus which led to a bit of dehydration . Needless to say, it was no picnic. But, as I said, I'm so much better now! :D

I have a lot to say... especially about how I experienced a very powerful moment on Sunday morning which made me stop and sort of make sure I'd experienced it -- which I have to speak to Fr. Leo about first to see what he says about what I heard. Also, I have old friends back in my life (friends I lost touch with but have recently gotten in contact with)... something I was doing for myself is being turned into a novel at the suggestion of my mother... I am still working on the OTHER novel... I have a roadtrip coming up this weekend... I have a movie premiere I might go to next week, etc. *phew* I have one busy couple of weeks ahead of me but will, hopefully, still find time to come and write a bit as often as I can.

By the way, do any of you go to Mass on a daily basis? I've gone the past two days in a row -- mainly because I had yesterday's Mass dedicated to Our Lady of Guadalupe and today's Mass dedicated to St. Jude Thaddeus (who refuses to let my prayers go unanswered. I'd hug him if I could!). I have never gone on an almost daily basis but I have to admit, I like it! Hopefully I'll be able to go more often. Oh, and DAD went to Mass with me today, which was a complete miracle! I've been praying that he goes to Mass with mom and I and he finally did. Although, I think he did today because I felt faint (blame my ongoing battle with anxiety) and he wanted to make sure I didn't get sick. We don't want a repeat of Sunday morning in which I missed Mass because I had a series of panic attacks (back to back) from around midnight to almost 9 in the morning. I went 23 hours without sleep -- but, if what I heard during one particularly bad attacks (when I was asking the Lord why I keep suffering) was a direct answer from the Lord, I am willing to endure these panic attacks. If what I heard was the answer, and if I now know the reason, I'll gladly accept it. I feel like I've said too much, though. I won't say any more about that until I've talked to Fr. Leo... or Fr. Stan.

And, speaking of priests, if you live in the Buffalo, NY area and attend Holy Angels Parish, you will be getting a priest I have a lot of respect for -- Fr. James. He used to be a priest at my parish but he got re-assigned to Holy Angels. Make sure you go and say hello to him. He's such a lovely man and I will never forget him telling me that I am too hard on myself... because I am but I didn't really recognize it until he said it. :D

Alright, well, the movie awaits. I hope everyone is well. Thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. WHOOO SPAIN WON EURO 2008!!!! Go España! Go España! :D
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