Childhood Memories of Faith

Taken by me from the pews of my childhood parish.

While I wait for my downstairs neighbors to quit making noise (so I can study; file this under "apartment resident problems"), I thought I'd share something that came to mind while I was praying the Rosary a couple of days ago.

Does anyone remember what their faith was like when you were a child? Did you pray with your family? Did you pray before going to sleep? How about praying before and/or after every meal? How was your attention span during Mass? I'm so very curious as to how others experienced their faith as a child.

As for me, we (Mom and I have) have joked about how I "born to be a Catholic." Some of my earliest memories include being completely transfixed on the priest and what he did during the Liturgy of the Eucharist, especially during the consecration. I remember little 6-7-year-old me in the front pew (I always wanted to be in the front), eyes glued to the priest and what was going on at the altar. I didn't understand what was going on but I knew it was important. I think I even used to sigh happily during it. I knew it was about Jesus but didn't know much beyond that. Did I mention I was about 6 or 7? No one had told me about what happened during Mass. I knew the prayers because my parents taught them to me and I knew little things but nothing deeper than that, of course. I know my little mind wouldn't have been able to grasp the concept as much as I did when I reverted. Still, I loved going to Mass as a child.

I used to say that I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. I think I was particularly attracted to the Carmelite nuns. Those memories are a little fuzzy but I remember that I loved their habits and used to say "I'm going to be a nun when I grow up." Obviously, that didn't happen though St. Teresa of Avila was one of the first saints I admired when I returned to the Church as a 21-year-old.

I also remember that I once called a Catholic company that used to send free crosses to any child who was in catechism and wanted one. I don't remember what their name was (all I remember is that they were based in Maryland around 1993) but I remember how excited I was when it arrived. It was a small, white plastic cross that read "I love Jesus" in golden letters. I took it to school with me, unashamed of my love of my faith. I think I was about 8 around this time since I was in catechism to make my First Communion (which took place in 1994, a couple of days before I turned 9).

My parents taped a holy card of a Guardian Angel helping a child cross a river on the headboard of my bed so I was the first and last thing I saw. I also remember being completely scared of a picture my parents had in my room of two roads -- one leading to Heaven and another leading to Hell. The Hell part scared the crumbs out of me and I hated it. I must've been about 5 years old (yes, I have memories that young) and I think that scarred me a little. lol.

I also remember that I was basically on my own when it came to my faith. My parents took me to Mass sporadically growing up. I went nearly every Sunday (I think) while I was in catechism classes but as soon as my First Communion and then Confirmation (which happened when I was 13 years-old) were celebrated, they felt like it was enough. In fact, that was part of the reason why I unintentionally/unofficially left the Church during my teens until I was 21.

Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if my parents had had a stronger relationship with God. Would I have never left the Church? I won't lament it. I know that both of my parents were also poorly catechized and that both were away from the Church for decades. My father went 40+ years without going to confession or receiving the Eucharist (his return was my 24th birthday gift two months before he passed away) and my mother returned shortly before his death as well. I'm grateful that God has used me to help get them back -- especially my father; my biggest fear was that he would pass without returning to the Church -- and that, through the help of the Holy Spirit, I'm still able to clarify a few faith-related things to my mom. Our theological conversations make me happy and have increased over the years.

I also oftentimes think about how I will want to raise my future children (if God blesses me with any). I know that I want them to develop their relationship with God as soon as they can understand it. Of course, I'll take them to Mass and I'll teach them prayers as they're growing up. Since I didn't experience any prayers before or after meals (until a few years ago when I started doing it on my own) or even with my family (I can't recall ever praying with my parents outside of Mass), I know it'll be a huge learning experience for me but I look forward to it.

Oh! One more question: if you grew up with a strong sense of the faith and if your parents were religious, do you think it helped (or didn't help) your own faith formation growing up? I'm very curious and would love to hear any stories you may like to share. :D

Alright, it sounds like my neighbors have lowered down the noise level enough for me to be able to concentrate on some lecture videos. I have two exams next week and I need ALL the study time I can get. And prayers, if you can spare them. Please and thank you in advance. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Holding Mama Mary's Hand

If you're following me on social media then you might've already seen me asking for prayers over the weekend. I had a lovely week -- made lovelier by good news from the doctor -- but things started to fall apart on Saturday. For once, I'm keeping the exact details to myself; only a few close friends know the full extent of what's going. Let's just say that it's a mix of a new health (heart related) worry for me, seeing things happening to Mom that are beyond her control and completely unjust, and a number of other things that created the perfect storm of intense anxiety.

I literally could not sit still for more than 4 seconds most of Saturday evening and night. I would sit down and immediately bolt up and pace the length of my apartment. That's how intense the anxiety was. You'd think that I'd eventually calm down enough to sleep it off, right? Big fat "nope." Our new next-door neighbors decided to throw a party on Saturday night that lasted until the wee hours on Sunday morning. After they calmed down, I was still so wound up that I just couldn't fall asleep. Having to get up at 4 a.m. that morning was a massive pain after sleeping very little. While my anxiety got a bit better during the day, I still couldn't fall asleep last night and, again, slept very little.

I've tried taking naps yesterday and today but it hasn't gone smoothly. During the first hour or two of the attempted naps, I've kept waking up (and sitting up) suddenly just as I was drifting off to sleep. I knew I had things to do both yesterday and today but I simply couldn't stay sleep, no matter how exhausted I've felt. Finally, I remembered the words that one of my best friends said to me when I told him what was going on and what my fears were: "Clutch our Mother's hand." I got the idea of holding Rosary beads in my hand as I tried to rest and both times that I've done it I've been able to drift to sleep and rest for at least an hour.

Has anyone been in a similar situation in which their minds and/or their hearts were troubled with something and nothing was helping ease the worry? I pray the Rosary on a daily basis but I sometimes don't feel at peace as quickly as I'd like. I'm not sure if holding the Rosary beads helps me drift off to sleep because, psychologically, it's a sort of security blanket during times of trials or if it's because Mama Mary is there with me, helping ease my anxiety. I'd like to think it's the latter. All I know is that imagining that Mama Mary is, in a way, holding my hand while I feel helpless and alone (when I'm physically alone) is very soothing. I've often wrapped Rosary beads around my hand when I've had horrific anxiety attacks but this is the first time I've held them to help me fall asleep.

By the way, please don't say "don't worry!" or "trust in the Lord" because, as well-meaning as they may be, I really don't want to hear those words. It makes me feel like a complete failure when my anxiety gets so bad that I can't stop worrying. I do try but sometimes it gets overwhelming. I ask God for help and I do trust Him but sometimes the mind is weak, especially when it's sleep deprived and can't think rationally.

Anyway, this was a quick blog post to share this in hopes that this may help someone else in a similar situation. If you can't pray the entire Rosary or even a decade, I highly recommend holding a strand of Rosary beads and praying any way you can. Even if it's as simple as "Lord, have mercy on me" or "Blessed Mother, pray for me" -- prayers don't have to be fancy as long as they come from the heart.

I should go eat something... and study. I really hope my anxiety (and the issue that is causing my anxiety) get better soon because I have two exams coming up next week and I really need to concentrate. Ain't nobody got time for your shenanigans, anxiety!

To those who've prayed and continue praying for me: thank you! I know that it's due to all your prayers that I haven't had a full-blown panic attack because this situation is intense and I would've already had a major attack by now.

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and that you have a great week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Messes and Brothers and Podcasts! Oh My!

Messes. Messes everywhere. I'm itching to get them cleaned up but I'll blog first because I don't know when I'll have time to write (or even read!) again.

If you've been following me on Twitter, you know that we had new carpet installed in our entire apartment last Friday. Thank goodness! Our carpet was about 15 years old and we were having major allergy problems with it, not to mention that the nails were starting to poke out. We started moving things on Thursday morning because it was scheduled to be done on that day but they ran out of time. Anyway, moving everything and having the old carpet ripped out meant that I had to disconnect the wifi since the cable modem is set up in the living room and can't be moved from that specific area. Yes, I was technically internet-free (at least via the laptop and iPod touch) for a while. It was quite liberating. I actually kept things unplugged for hours longer than necessary. I had my basic internet needs met by my phone and even then I didn't use it too much. It was great. That's part of the reason why I haven't blogged lately. That and...

My brother is visiting for the week! Hooray! He arrived on Saturday night. I was supposed to get my car back in time to pick him up from the airport that day. Nope. I called the mechanic (I kid you not) about 25 times all day trying to get a hold of him so I could get my car on time. At around noon he promised he would have it done before 7 p.m. Nada. He didn't call me back until around 9 p.m. (while I was arriving at the airport in my neighbor's van) telling me that he had the wrong power steer part and that he'd have my car ready for Monday night. Guess who still doesn't have her car back on Tuesday afternoon. Yep, still me. Thankfully my downstairs neighbor was kind enough to drive us to the airport to pick my bro up and then broski rented a car for the week (which I wish I could've prevented with the use of my own car) so we're set until this weekend when he goes back home.

Having my brother here has been great! We missed him terribly. I've been out of the house every day (except today) that he's been here which has been great but draining. I'm pretty sure his extrovert nature doesn't get that my introvert nature needs to recharge after days of going out. We've been to various parts of the city and county over the last couple of days. All that traffic. All those people. If I didn't have to wait for a call back from the city inspector (because they still haven't finished my bathroom; it's been 3 months now) nor had to take care of stuff here, I would've probably gone with him elsewhere today.

I'll be honest and say that I'm grateful to have the excuse to stay home today because I'm exhausted. He's an extrovert and bounces back quickly. I don't. I need my "give me a few hours to myself" time. lol. I'll be okay in a couple of hours, I'm sure. I felt bad not going with him on his mini road trip but, seriously, I need to recharge.

That's been my life in the last couple of days: messes from the carpet installation and hanging out with my brother. There's one more thing: this is not the official announcement but I'm toying with the idea of keeping a weekly Spanish-language Catholic podcast. The idea of a podcast has been presented to me by several people over the years but it never seemed like the right move or the right time for me. However, after searching for some podcasts for my mom, I noticed the need for them. Since my Spanish-language blog idea didn't get past the initial posts (I simply spread myself thin during a time when life was too crazy), a podcast seemed like the next logical step.

The yet-to-be-named podcast will follow the same idea as the Spanish-language blog only it will be in audio form so I don't get overwhelmed with too much writing when I return to school in April. There's something about hearing the tone of a person's voice instead of just imagining it in your head that makes a big difference in trying to get certain messages across; there's no guessing or miscommunication. I'm not a fan of my speaking voice -- especially in Spanish because I apparently have no identifiable accent -- but it's something I really want to do. Again, this is not an official announcement until the details get worked out but, God willing, I will have something by sometime next month. This month is all about my brother's visit and trying to get a few loose ends taken care of before I put my time and effort into something else. I'll be praying for guidance between now and then. :)

Anyway, this was just a little (ha!) update from me. Not sure when my mom and/or brother are getting home so I'm going to crank up my favorite tunes and get some work done while I have the house to myself. :D

I hope y'all are having a good start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Don't Regret Taking Care of My Parents in My 20s

This week I had a fun (well, fun for me) freelance writing assignment about having compassion when taking care of aging loved ones. Even though I may still be in my 20s, most of you lovely readers know that I have my fair share of experience in this department. The assignment triggered memories about what it's like (and how much I've have to give up) taking care of my parents. Naturally I thought: hey, blog post! And now here we are. lol.

For those who are new to the blog, here's the gist of my story: I can't exactly pinpoint when my parents became a priority of mine. My dad was first diagnosed with cancer in my late teens. I ended up finishing part of my junior year and all of my senior year in a single semester. Yes, I completed 13 classes in 3 months, a year and a half ahead of schedule. I helped as much as I could while my dad did chemotherapy and went into remission. I didn't start college until I was 19. When the cancer came back (or I would get sick; anxiety/PTSD relapse), I would either go to school part time or take a semester off. The third and last the (now terminal) cancer returned, I fought Medi-Care and Medi-Cal from their constant threats of discontinuing my father's chemotherapy. I spent hours on the phone arguing with them instead of studying. I took a year off after his death to finish my degree. Somewhere towards the end of my senior year of college it became obvious that I would need to begin to take care of my mother. With her failing memory and health problems, I am going through my second round of taking care of a parent at a young age... and I don't regret it.

What I gave (and am giving) up: I gave up my "youth" in order to take care of my parents. From my late teens until now (my late 20s), I had to give up being "young" in the "young and irresponsible" sense. To be fair, a lot of things never appealed to me. Getting drunk? Going to Vegas? Staying out until the wee hours of the night? Going to parties every weekend? Nope, sorry; never my cup of tea. I also give up sleep on a daily basis as my mom doesn't drive and she starts work at 5 a.m. Yes, I get up that early to drive her to work.

I gave up my dream of attending school abroad. I never did make it to UBC (my dream school), Bath Spa University (where I was headed to prior to my father's second cancer diagnosis), nor Oxford where I was encouraged by a professor to apply. I gave up dating because I knew it wouldn't be fair to anyone to be put into that situation.

I am currently giving up my dream to move out of L.A. (seriously, someone get me out of here!) for grad school because of how things are with mom. If she hadn't started getting lost in our own neighborhood, I would've applied to UBC's Audiology and Speech-Language Pathology grad program... in a heartbeat.

Yes, I've given up (and will continue to give up) a lot... but it doesn't even matter to me. Everything I've ever given up doesn't compare to what I've gained.

I've learned how to differentiate between wants and needs. I've learned that, though it's harder, putting others needs before my own has made me happier. I think about it this way: I am only going to get one set of parents in my lifetime. I had a great father for the first 24 years of my life. I hope to have my amazing mother with me for many more years to come, even if that means giving up more in order to help her. I only have (and had with my father) one shot to thank them for everything they've ever given me and I can't think of a better way to do that than by helping them when they need it. I know a lot of people were disappointed in me for choosing Speech-Language Pathology instead of Theology because it was a way to help my mother instead of following my desire to immerse myself in Theology, but that's just how it has to be.

I sometimes think about my vocation. Though I have been pretty certain that it's being a wife and mother someday, I sometimes get these little moments of doubt. I start thinking "what guy is going to want to marry me when I have my mother to take care of?" We're sort of a packaged deal at this point. Where I go, she goes. While she won't interfere in that department (she has never meddled in any of my relationships), it's going to take some super amazing fella to accept me with her.

I get asked a lot of questions about my relationship with my parents and having had a lot of tough decisions to make as a young woman and I hope this post has answered many of them. :) P.S., Yes, I'm such an INFP... lol.

I should go eat something now. I haven't had lunch and it's almost 3 p.m. Oops. :)

I hope you all have a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

What I Learned Wednesday #2

Just a quick graphic I made for today's WILW post. :)

First of all, a "thank you" to those who participated last week. I had positive response about possibly linking up today so we shall see what happens. To me, if I can inspire one person to learn about the Faith during the week, that is a success. :)

1) This isn't something learned as it is an observation. We all know that today is the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe (who I love dearly), but very few people know about the feast day of St. Juan Diego to whom she appeared to. Did you know his feast day was December 9th? I honestly didn't. I thought it was the 11th (yesterday). St. Juan Diego is such a wonderful saint to learn about. His humility, his faith... it's all inspiring. He represents not only Hispanics and Amerindians, but the poor of the poor. He shows us that our economic status doesn't matter, what matters is what is in your heart. He loved God and Our Lady and dutifully did what Our Lady asked without doubts. After doing what she asked, he told her, "I am only a simple Indian whom you have sent as a messenger to an important person. Therefore, he didn't believe me, and I do not want to greatly disappoint you." He is not worried about what a mere mortal thinks of him, but about what she and therefore God think of him. Please take a couple minutes out of your day to learn a little more about him if you can. I think we could all learn a thing or two from him.

2) Something incredibly wonderful: I learned two things that I got a real kick out of. First, I learned that I was at my mother's baptism / first communion / confirmation. I was only three years ago at the time. My mother (who, as I mentioned before, was adopted) never properly received any of the sacraments so she waited until she was in her early 30s to receive them. I even saw a picture of the two of us together in front of a statue of Our Blessed Mother and Baby Jesus. It was wonderful and I'm sad I was too young to remember any of it. Btw, in another picture I was seated right behind my mama, wanting to "be in the middle of the action" as she put it. lol. Second, I learned that I was confirmed on St. Cecilia's feast day... at a church named after her. Yup, I was destined to have her as my confirmation saint. lol. I actually didn't know. I knew about the church being named after her -- I learned that a couple of years ago -- but not about the feast day. I am definitely celebrating it a little bigger next year. :D

3) Video of the week (and, really, the day) courtesy of Catholic News Agency of Pope Benedict XVI sending his first tweets. I woke up at 4:35 a.m. this morning and it was the first thing that I checked on my phone. Pope Benedict XVI Fan Club Member here.

Alright, this is it for now. It's short-ish because I don't have a lot of time; too many things to do, not enough hours in the day... and still no wifi to make my life easier (which is why I haven't posted anything since Friday.) lol.

Anyway, please share your blog posts, tweet, tumblr posts, etc in the link up under my signature. The submission time ends at 11:59 p.m. PST. If you don't want to share, I hope you do look into learning something about the Faith anything. We were all excited about the start of the Year of Faith but it seems to have fizzled out and I'm trying to keep the excitement alive. ;) Feel free to use the graphic I made; a better one is on the way. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Rosary and My Mama

This is going to be quick since I have about 700+ pages to get through by Saturday and, well, I need to finish ASAP. (I take my side projects/duties seriously.)

Mom and I have been praying the Rosary every day (except for Saturday and Sunday when her arthritis was so bad that she slept most of the day/evening) and it's been absolutely wonderful. I've been wanting to get her to do it more regularly since her proper reversion shortly before my dad passed away and it's finally sticking.

I've noticed some changes in my relationship with her as a result of our daily Rosary. If we get into a typical mother-grown daughter argument, we'll put it aside for the Rosary. Her strong, outgoing temperament (she's a sanguine-choleric, the most extroverted of the temperaments) often clashes with my more mellow, introverted temperament (phlegmatic-sanguine; see previous post) so there is bound to be a bit of mama-daughter disagreements. When it comes time to praying the Rosary, it's like everything changes. I can't speak for her but I myself feel a lot more calm and forgiving about halfway through the Rosary. And, since I have the mysteries and the order memorized, mom won't pray the Rosary without me so it's a wonderful bonding time. She carries around her Rosary everywhere she goes, too. I'm so incredibly proud of the effort my mom is making in learning about our beautiful Faith.

Who would've thought my mama (who just four years ago used to use excuses to get out of attending Mass and who just started going to confession three years ago) and I would reach this point? I'm a little pressed for time right now but I'll go back through my blog posts one of these days and compare how my parents were prior to their reversions and how my mom is now and how my dad was before he passed away. I wanted to post something yesterday (and it would've been appropriate since it was St. Monica's feast day) but I've been crazy busy. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this little gem. For those of you who have family members who are currently away from the Church, don't fret. It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience (again, just look at St. Monica and St. Augustine of Hippo as an example) but remember that miracles do happen. I got my dad shortly before he died (after being away from the Church for 40+ years; all credit to God, I did nothing). Nothing is impossible with God. :D

I hope y'all are having a great start of week. If you need prayers, please let me know. And now, back to Middle Earth I go. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D



P.S. If you get the link to this blog post via twitter it's because I have twitterfeed and it automatically posts the link as soon as I have a new blog post published. I am still away until Saturday. :D

Mama Mary Highs and Earthly Mama Lows

So, I haven't written in a couple of days because of everything that's been going on. It's so much to get into but I will try to keep it as "in a nutshell" as I possibly can. As the title says, I've experienced Mama Mary highs and earthly mama lows.

If you're following me on twitter then you've seen that I have been crazy stressed. After having seven of the most unnecessary drama-filled days, I've come to appreciate everything even more. First, let's start with the bad. I just want to get that out of the way so I can focus on the good.

I feel like I'm going through Dad: the Sequel with mom. Thankfully it's not cancer but we've had a bit of a health scare in the last couple of days. Yesterday we received a call from her doctor that we needed to go to the hospital for some meds because my mom had high cholesterol and apparently her arteries were getting clogged. Well, I learned what the meds were, on my own, before we actually knew what they were for. They just told my mom that is was absolutely URGENT (yes, in caps to emphasize their exaggeration) to immediately go the hospital. And I think something about her heart being in trouble was mentioned but the details are now a little fuzzy since I went into panic mode when I saw my mother's face fall as she repeated the news she got. I quickly looked up her prescription online before we left (thank you, Kaiser, for the availability of patient records and prescriptions online) and saw it was for cholesterol and the opening of arteries due to cholesterol.

We went, got the meds, and came back home. She took the meds (and, I have to say, I have no idea why the meds were given; her cholesterol has been higher in the past) and she woke up sick. Then it got worse. It got so bad that she had to call me from work to contact her doctor. If you know my mother (or have seen my tweets about her) then you know it has to be serious for her to actually want to go to the hospital or contact the doctor. Like, "I'm dying" bad. Panic mode, round two. Dizziness, headache, achy muscles, pain in her hips, etc. Called the doctor, couldn't get a hold of her. And, actually, two calls later and we're still waiting. Needless to say, mom won't be taking the meds anymore (sorry, doc)... especially after her co-workers (she works at a convalescent hospital) checked her blood work results and told her that meds were completely unnecessary and a little too high for her. So, basically, all of this stress and chaos could've been avoided. Great. Thanks, y'all. ;)

After what I went through with my dad (seven years of cancer), I've become a bit of a worrywart when it comes to illnesses... especially when it comes to my mother. She's my only parent left (and my only family member who won't be moving away from the West Coast in the next couple of weeks) so... you know... I worry. Also, after seeing how badly the meds messed my dad up, I am wary of them in general. I try to take a holistic approach when sick. Also, even though I jokingly (yet not so jokingly) call mama a modern day Mrs. Bennet, I still love her and seeing her suffer makes me miserable. Of course, this is all drama but something wonderful has also happened.

On Monday, mama and I went to our confessor (yes, we have the same one) and we asked him to enroll us in the Brown Scapular. I've worn one before but was never enrolled and I'd been wanting to do it for a couple of years now. I could never find a priest to do it (or, really, had the guts to ask in the beginning of my reversion) but I finally bit the bullet and did it. And I'd like to thank all the attacks (spiritual and otherwise) I went through this past weekend because it really gave me the push to actually do it. It was done in Spanish (so my mother could understand) and it was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. I've been doing the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary morning (first time when I wake up) and evening (I'll be doing it as soon as I finish this post)... and I feel so wonderfully serene despite everything that is going on. Knowing that I have my Heavenly Mother protecting me and looking out for me (and for my earthly mama) is wonderful. If you haven't done it yourself, look into it because I highly recommend it.

Anyway, this post is getting awfully long and I have books to read. Depressingly it's not for school (hi, academic nerd here) but they are for review so, you know, gotta try to finish 'em. :)

I hope you have all had a great week thus far... or, at least, better than mine. :D If you have any prayer requests, please let me know. I would be more than happy to offer up any unpleasantness or pray the Rosary for you. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I'm a Proud Daughter, Part Two.

If you would have told me, four years ago (it's in one of the earlier blog posts that I couldn't find quickly), that my dream of having both of my parents return to the Church within a couple of years would come true, I would've said "yeah, right!" If you've been a reader of this since the beginning then you know how hard it was for me to even get my parents to attend Mass with me. My dad used to get very angry about having to drive me to confession and/or Mass. My mother would look for any excuse to not go. Though my mom was the one who prayed the most often, she was (surprisingly) the hardest to get to come back. Thankfully, she's back and I couldn't be any prouder of her.

My mom didn't fully come back to the Church until shortly before my father passed away. My dad returned to the Church the day before my 24th birthday (which remains the BEST birthday present I've ever gotten) and she followed a few weeks later. In fact, I think it was the fact that my father was dying that made her want to return. Though she had been fighting it for a long time, it's now gotten to the point where I don't have to try to persuade her to go to confession or Mass. It took two and a half years but she's finally comfortable (well, as comfortable as one can be) going to confession. We have to go weekly because there are bad habits that are hard to get rid of but I don't mind. It's a slow process but we're getting there. Yesterday she asked me to translate (from English to Spanish) the questions on the iConfession app I use to examine my conscience so that she could use it this week... and I nearly burst with joy.

Lately mom's been on a Bible reading kick.. and I'm fully supportive of it. Let's face it, we Catholics don't always read the Bible and that's where our Protestant brothers and sisters think they "pwned" us. I didn't grow up reading the Bible and I didn't really do it until I took my Intro to Monotheistic Religions course a couple of years ago. It's sad but it's not uncommon amongst us young Catholics. I truly don't think we can fully understand our Faith until we not only read what is in the Bible but also really study it. How can we back up what we believe if we're just going on what we've heard? A lot of things get skewed to fit a person's lifestyle so what we hear may not be what's really in the Bible. If you already haven't, I strongly encourage you all to read it. I'm going to make an effort to study the Bible with mom at least twice a week because I think we'll both benefit from it. I'm going to be using 150 Bible Verses Every Catholic Should Know by Patrick Madrid (which I was given as a gift a couple of years ago) to start her off. Since I couldn't find a good Spanish equivalent to it, I'll be translating it for her as well. It'll be good for both of us.

I'm just... really overjoyed at how things have turned out. Between attending Mass, going to confession, reading the Bible, AND asking me to show her how to pray the Rosary, I feel like I burst with happiness. I am grateful that the Holy Spirit has used me to bring one more person closer to Him. Though I may be physically speaking to mom, I know the Holy Spirit has been behind all of it. Of course, this is not the end of my self-given mission to bring both of my parents back to the Church. Lord knows whether my dad is still in purgatory or already in Heaven but I know He's taken care of him. As for my mom, it's only just the beginning. I don't think it'll ever be finished because we all grow every single day. I'm just looking forward to seeing how things pan out... and I hope that I can pass all of this along to my future children whenever God blesses me with them. :)

Anyway, just wanted to share a bit of what's been going on with this "mission." Now I need to try to do something productive for the day so I don't have to add another day of being lazy to my own confessions list. Yes, sloth (laziness and being unproductive) is a sin and it's easy to fall into it as a new graduate.

I hope y'all are still have a great week. If not, hit me up and I'll say a prayer for you. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Prayer Request

Hey everyone. Sorry no entry tonight. I just wanted to post a quick prayer request. With my parents wedding anniversary coming up (it would've been their 27th wedding anniversary), as well as my father's would be 67th birthday, my mom's becoming more depressed and withdrawn from everything and everyone. She didn't even go to work today because of her depression, and that itself is a bad sign because she very rarely misses (even when she's sick). If y'all can please pray for her, I would greatly appreciate it. I feel helpless watching her go through this and I know it's only going to get worse.

Anyway, that's it for today. I'm drained - physically and emotionally - and sleep is looking really good right now. I will try to post something more substantial tomorrow.

Thanks in advance for your prayers!

God bless!
- Emmy

Posted through iPod touch.

I am a Childless Mother.

Yes, you read the title correctly: I am a childless mother. How is it possible? Well, insight from both a priest I met (for the first time) over the weekend AND from someone who knows me very well have helped me figure it out. Now, I have to decide whether it's a good thing or not, and where I have to draw the line.

If you've read my blog for a while, you know that I love to take care of my family. I took care of my father for years up until he passed away this summer. I've continued taking care of my mother who is still in denial of my father's passing... and refuses to get help for her denial. Recently, I've had several people tell me that the "spark" is gone from my eyes... that there is only sadness, even when I try to be optimistic. Both the priest (who's name I don't remember; he's new to the nearby parish) and the person who knows me well pointed out something to me: I am a parent to my own parents. Not only that, but I've neglected to take care of myself. As the priest told me, after we got down to everything, I have been the parent in my family since I was a child. I've taken care of them whenever they've been ill or unable to take care of themselves or myself. In fact, I learned how to cook/feed myself (at age 4-5) and wash the dishes by hand (at age 6-7) because they were unable to help me with those specific things when they needed to be done. That's all I've ever known... doing things for them that they couldn't. Though I haven't been able to financially take care of them (though I have helped with that as well), I've taken care of them every other way... including emotionally. I am not complaining that I've lived my life this way; nothing makes me happier than being able to help others. The fact that I've been able to do everything I could for my parents makes me ecstatic.

I don't mind giving up things for others' benefit. It's in my very nature take care of others - ask my friends, they'll say I'm very "mothering" - otherwise I won't be happy. While that is true, I do admit that I've been given up a lot that I do, sometimes, wish I could've done. I wish that I could've gone straight to college after high school. If I had done that, I would've gotten my B.A. years ago. I wish I could've gone to university in England, as was the original plan a couple of years ago. Those are my two biggest "regrets" though I honestly don't regret giving them up. By my staying at home for as long as I have, I've been able to help out my parents with things they couldn't have done otherwise.

I'm not saying that I'm unselfish. Oh, no. Like everyone else, I do have my selfish moments when I don't want to do something so I don't... or moments where I just want what I want and I don't want anyone saying anything about my decision to do it. No one's that perfectly unselfish, especially not me.

Recently, I've been given the opportunity to study, and possibly work, in a different country (though I will keep details under wraps for now). I don't really have anything holding me back... except my mother. My mother is such a wonderful, giving person that many people take advantage of her. I have to put my foot down and/or deal with it because she's too nice and can't bring herself to do it. I know she's able to take of herself, but I still feel a sort of responsibility for her that it makes me really think about whether I will be leaving Los Angeles (and the U.S.) or not. It's my selfish wants (and, ultimately, it would good for me, not only career wise but it will make me even more autonomous) vs my not too selfish wants of taking care of my mother (who often puts me on a guilt trip when I mention leaving). As I said, I really don't mind giving up leaving this heck hole that is known as Los Angeles to take care of mother... but is it time to leave the nest and not worry about how she'll do by herself?

The priest advised me to go. He said that I should take care of myself and do something for myself for once. Mom agreed... but not before giving me another guilt trip about leaving her by herself... with no family around... living by herself... she "can't live" by herself. *sighs* Do I do something for myself and go to this new country and university or do I continue being a "mother" to my mother? Where am I going to draw the line to end this cycle? This is going to give me a headache until I make my decision... and it's not going to be pretty because I'm the most indecisive person you'll meet. *sighs* lol.

Sorry for semi-venting here. I normally don't do this but I needed it out of my system. Maybe some of y'all have some advice that would be helpful in my decision. Anything from the Bible that I've overlooked that will help me with this? Seriously, I'll take good advice right about now. :)

Alright, this nerd needs to stop blogging and go back to the wonderful world of math. And, yes, that was written with sarcasm on my mind. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

Quick, and Pretty Happy, Dad Update.

*Note: Started this on June 24, finished on June 26*

I have to write this pretty quick because I am making rice pilaf and it's currently simmering on the stove...

So, good news and a little bit of not so good news. As always, first the bad. Dad's digestive system is starting to fail so they've stopped the feeding. He's now receiving his nutrients through IV. Despite that, he's in better spirits. Also, Medicare and MediCal (who I am often fighting with over the phone) have informed us that they will no longer pay his hospital bills. Better news: Yesterday he was alert and well. No longer semi-conscious. It has been the best I've seen him look in a really long time.

Continued: June 26.
Why is that I always write when I'm cooking? lol. Random. Anyway... Well, dad keeps looking better and better though the doctors are giving us really a really grim prognosis. At first they said 2 weeks to 2 months, now they are saying a month to two left to live... but, as both his doctors have said, it's really up to God. I'm still holding out for that miracle. He is doing better, though. Everyone who has seen him over the past week or so can notice a huge improvement. Mom's expecting for us to see him well and then have his health take a sharp decline. I'm not. I'm expecting him to get better.

He's been very alert, slowing regaining his strength. He's walked a little and has been able to sit up, granted in a wheelchair, by himself for a couple of hours. How to know dad's feeling like himself again: He'll tell you you're doing something wrong and then try to correct it himself. lol. Dad's funny that way. :) He's been slowly working himself up to light (semi-solid) food again, too.

I'm not currently at the hospital because they might take him elsewhere and we're waiting until we're sure. As I said a couple of days ago, Medicare and MediCal are refusing to keep paying for his hospital stay so we had to decide to take him either to a hospice or a convalescent hospital (a.k.a. nursing home). We decided on the convalescent hospital for two reasons: 1) if we took him of the hospice, they'd slowly start taking his meds away and we'd only have him for 48-72 hours before he passed, and 2) my mom works at a convalescent hospital so if we take him there (which we will), she'll be able to keep an eye on him. Mom won't be his nurse but she knows who will be. Mom's worked there since before I was born (they've watched me grow up) so they'll take good care of dad there. :) We're hoping he'll just continue to get better and better there.

With Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati's day coming up on July 4th, we're all stepping up in the prayer department. Dad won't let anyone take the prayer card I gave him of Blessed Pier Giorgio away from him. :) I'm going to see if I can have a priest go visit dad this weekend. Don't know if he'd be able to receive the Eucharist (doctors don't want him to eat anything) but it'd still be nice for dad to get Fr. Juan to chat with him again. :)

AH! That reminds me... I'm that much closer to getting my mom back to the Church -- to confess and receive the Eucharist. :D A few days ago when dad was in bad shape, I was started saying a prayer and something popped up in my mind while I was praying... "Ask mom if she'd promise to marry dad through the Church if Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati does this miracle for us." (They only have a civil ceremony and are currently only legally married.) So I talked to her and for the first time since I can remember, she agreed! Again, it's taken me years to try to convince her of this. It made me think that, if dad survives this, maybe what we're going through was something that needed to happen for us to get closer to God. If not, well, we're already closer than we were, which is fantastic. Either way, I'm praying even harder for that miracle because that would be another dream come true for me -- to have both of my parents back at Church and married through it, the way it's supposed to be. That would make my entire year. We'll see. :)

Okay, I need to get back to cooking, cleaning, and then working on the novel... all while I wait to hear whether I can go see dad today or if I have to wait a bit longer for them to decide whether they'll take him today or tomorrow. :)

Thank you all for your continued prayers and for occasionally checking on me through twitter. I greatly appreciate it. :) As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. I'll hopefully write something else, besides updates on my dad, next time. :)

Fr. Alberto Cutié; Tribulations; What Kind of Catholic Are You?

I'm sure many of you have heard of the Fr. Alberto Cutié scandal that has completely shocked everyone. Trust me, my jaw dropped when mom told me to look it up online. I thought to myself, "there is NO WAY this is real. It has to be fake!" Dad said Fr. Alberto was tempted by the devil. Mom agreed and added that it seemed like he was set up. Everyone has their theory on it... and I won't add to the speculation of whether he did or didn't. All I will say is that, he's human and humans make mistakes. Do I condone what he did? Definitely not. Were the right actions taken by having him removed of his duties? I think so. Do I forgive him for his transgressions? Absolutely. How can I expect to be forgiven for my sins if I can't forgive others for theirs? Of course, you can argue that since he is a priest, and took a vow of chastity, that his sin is quite the biggie. Either way, I will definitely be praying for him. You can read his statement at his site.

It seems that many of us are having trials and tribulations lately. My dad checked himself out of the hospital on Monday, and I don't blame him. The head nurse was a tyrant and was really rude towards my father. The good news is that he looks much better now AND I've just scheduled an appointment for him on Friday. We'll hopefully know exactly what he has and then go from there. I'm still hoping it's just liver problems and not cancer (for the third time). Yesterday we had to take my mom to the hospital (a different one; we each have our own places) because she was in a lot of pain. That just stressed me out a bit. It turns out her arthritis was just flaring up, big time!, but nothing worse. I am now in charge of taking care of my father and his appointments, plus the housework since my mom can't with her arthritis... on top of my schoolwork. I refuse to crack, though. I know there has to be a reason why I'm being given all this responsibility all at once. The good thing is that I've had little anxiety, and no panic attacks (thank you, St. Dymphna!) thus far. Either I'm just weird or I'm just a very "glass half full" person, but I actually see all that is happening as blessings in disguise. It's showing me that I'm stronger than I thought I was. All of this is preparing me for when I have a family of my own some day. Most importantly, it is bringing the family closer together. I've been finding that saying prayers, as well as being able to concentrating on the Rosary, is coming much easier to me. And, really, all of this is just bringing me closer to God and for that I am very grateful. It's very "Daily Rosary Catholic" of me.

What? You never heard of a "Daily Rosary Catholic"? Well, according to a "What Kind of Catholic Are You?" quiz on Beliefnet.com I am a Daily Rosary (Very Traditional) Catholic. According to the result description I'd "like the church to revive the time-honored devotions, liturgical practices, and strong institutional discipline that prevailed before the Second Vatican Council—and [I'm] hoping that Pope Benedict XVI will lead the church in exactly that direction. [My] favorite hymn is probably a traditional Latin composition such as the "Panis Angelicus," and [my] favorite pope is probably a pioneer of the Church's great liturgical tradition such as Gregory the Great. [I] loved 'The Passion of the Christ.'" Yeah, sounds about right. lol. If you take the quiz, please let me know what your result is. :D

Alright, well, I have some studying to do so I should go do that. If not study, then relax and maybe take a nap. I only had about 4.5 hours of sleep last night (eesh!). OH! Before I forget, I haven't replied to emails in a week or two but I'll reply by tonight. I do read your emails, just haven't been able to reply to the longer ones. :D

I think that's enough reading for y'all tonight. lol. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. Have you voted yet?