My Love Life Takes Center Stage

 

Photo by Tyler Nix

Raise your hand if you were expecting me to talk about this topic ever again? Yeah, didn’t think so.

There are many reasons why this topic has been on my mind a lot more than usual in recent weeks. Some of the reasons are going to stay between God, my spiritual director, and myself, but the main reason (which I can share) is due to my vocation discernment.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, I’m “done” with active discernment of a particular vocation. As in, I’m as certain as I can be without making it official. I need to meet with my spiritual director to see where I’m going to go from here but I’m fairly certain I know what God is calling me to and I believe my spiritual director agrees. It’s been a 3+ year journey that’s had its ups and downs but one I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. As I wait to meet with my SD, a lot of my past relationships (my “love life”) have come up.

I thought about the guys I dated and all my experiences with fellas before choosing to discern consecrated virginity. As my oldest friends will attest, I often kept my relationships to myself because of my intense dislike of people prying into my personal life. To paraphrase the husband of a good friend, “it looks like you share a lot but you’re very careful about what you actually share… and it’s not a lot.” 

I looked closely at how toxic some of my past relationships were, either because the guy was a jerk or because I was too immature or a combination of the two. I saw where I fell short and where things that happened were my fault. At the same time, I recognized that I was right in not wavering from any boundary pushing some of the former fellas tried. Some of the memories were difficult to look back on, but it was all necessary. I reflected on all the major mistakes I avoided making, thanks be to God, and how He kept me from making decisions I would’ve regretted. 

I thought about the ways in which I was a good girlfriend and how being in certain relationships brought out the best in me. I hadn’t realized how much more I embraced my femininity than when I was in a relationship… and it went beyond just dressing up or anything like that. I have a maternal heart and really *do* love taking care of others, even if that means simply praying for them from afar. 

I looked at how, during my “active discernment”, both guys from my past and new guys popped up at the least expected moments. If you thought there would be no guys around because I had chosen to discern CV, you’d be mistaken. Nothing happened with any of them, of course, but i learned it was par for the course. Some guys see this type of discernment as a challenge they want to win. Other guys simply enter your orbit without any nefarious intentions. Just like seminarians and other men and women discerning religious vocations, there have been temptations to stop discerning consecrated virginity because some of these guys were really great and the desire for a family has and will continue to always be there. 

When it first happened, I was both peeved and scared. I didn’t want a guy to derail me from a discernment path I thought was the right one for me. I didn’t want any of the temptations. I didn’t want to look at what I was willingly giving up by discerning CV. I was scared that I, a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, would end up having certain people gloat with “I told you so!” If I ended up abandoning the discernment because I wasn’t “strong enough” to keep discerning. A good, honest chat with my SD helped me through it. I realized that what the guy in question — someone from my past — needed was prayers and that my heart was stirred out of a maternal love for him. I ended up adopted him a spiritual son… though he doesn’t know it.

The second time it happened, I was annoyed because, “Ugh, again?!” It was a new guy. I knew I had to bring it up to my SD again and that made me embarrassed because I thought he would think I still hadn’t learned from the last guy. But, I told him and I removed myself from any situation in which I would see or hear him again. Instead, I started praying for him.

The third time, I was used to it (ha!). I prayed for him as I did the other two guys, tried to limit any interactions, and I told my SD. My SD had to remind me that I would never be completely immune to occasionally having feelings stirred in my heart because I was human and I didn’t automatically become a robot upon starting my discernment. Still, I had to look at the possibility that maybe these guys were around for a reason I didn’t particularly want to consider. I didn’t want to consider that it meant I wasn’t called to be a consecrated virgin. It scared me. It confused and annoyed me. I brought it all to my SD and I took it all to prayer. 

I eventually came to this conclusion — and the reason why I thought about my romantic past: I have always felt that I have a big heart, which I’ve often described as overflowing with love, ready to be poured out for others. One day I’ll find that blog post, which I wrote several years ago, to prove it. I thought it looked a certain way — one that fit into a neat little box. What I discovered is that i was all wrong. What I didn’t realize was that I’ve been doing it all along, even when I was dating, just in ways I wasn’t expecting.

I poured out that love into my family and friends before boys entered the picture. Then into my romantic relationships. For the last couple of years, I’ve chosen to take that love and pour it into Christ and the Church in a bigger way than I had before. For the last three years, I’ve chosen to let go of a dream of an earthly spouse and my own biological (or adoptive) children for a greater Spouse and a bigger family if it was God’s will for me. And it’s been thanks to the great guys popping up during my discernment that I became certain of my vocation.

There is a part two (already written) to this. I hope to share it once I’m able to more freely talk about what’s next for me. For now I’ll simply say that as difficult as the journey has been — especially during the times of spiritual aridity — I’m so incredibly grateful God allowed me to have the experiences of the last 3+ years. 

That’s it for now. I actually wrote this post right after I published the last one but waited to post it so there wouldn’t be so much material in a single day. This was not all I wanted to share from the last month but it’ll do for now. 

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊