Before I get into the actual post, let me briefly say how utterly excited I am that I received the booklets of the Divine Office hours created by Clear Creek Abbey. I think they were created especially for Oblates but anyone can use them. Of course I would receive them on the vigil of the Epiphany, something I didn’t plan but was hoping for when I ordered them. A little piece of my spiritual family with something that will be good for my soul on this beautiful feast day. And the Mexican tradition of receiving gifts on the Epiphany instead of Christmas continues in this household!
Now, back to the broken ‘fridge. Let me set the backstory for you. The day after Christmas, we ordered our usual weekly grocery delivery. Because we try to spend as little as possible, we try to plan how much food we’ll need for the week… or for however long we need it. So, we stocked up on food. The next day, I kept telling my mom that the Greek yogurt tasted warmed and off. By lunch, we figured out the fridge had stopped working. A visit from our maintenance man — who was luckily at our building that week — confirmed that the compressor had stopped working… and our building manager wasn’t available for a few days. Needless to say, we ended up having to throw away our perishables.
In true Emmy fashion (because I’m still very much a dependent child), I started asking St. Joseph for his intercession. “St. Joseph, you are the man of this house. Mom and I consecrated ourselves to you. I know you were a carpenter and didn’t have to deal with fridges but we need your help.” A few minutes later, the refrigerator began working again. Thanks be to God! It continued to work for another two weeks before it conked out again… the day after we bought our weekly groceries.
“Why didn’t you just buy a new fridge?” You may be asking. Because of our lease contract. For those who don’t know, we rent an apartment. We’ve always been a family that has lived paycheck-to-paycheck, never owning a home but renting instead. In these lease contracts are included what comes with the apartments. In our case, that included a refrigerator and a stove along with the HVAC system. Our stove was replaced for the first time early last year. The refrigerator, which apparently went about 15 years without needing replacement, was the next thing to die but, again, we couldn’t simply replace it without either asking permission from management or having them replace it as it was part of the contract.
Unluckily for us, it was at this time that they were also prepping for city inspection. A broken refrigerator was the least of their worries and management was busy with so many other problems that we had to wait. Even after city inspection came and went, the building owner had gone on vacation and management couldn’t do anything without their approval. So, we waited 2 weeks until the owner returned from vacation and could give us word on what was going to happen.
Because we’ve never had to buy a fridge before (they’ve always been included in the units we’ve rented), we didn’t know how expensive things were. I had to do the research since my mom has a panic attack simply thinking about how she might have to touch and try to figure out how to use a tablet or laptop. No, seriously. She honestly has panic attacks just thinking about it. Anyway, I looked… and, holy wow! Refrigerators are how much?! And… why all the smart technology? Why couldn’t we find one that wasn’t too big or had too many things going on? We just needed something to keep our food cold, not something out of The Jetsons. We thought about how little we have in terms of savings and how many expenses we have — a “perk” of living in Los Angele county — and… it was hard not to get stressed out.
My mind automatically jumps into, “What can I do to fix this?” Those who know me well can attest that I have plans A, B, C, D, AND E when trying to solve a problem. I admittedly like to try to control the situation as a result of anxiety. I know that feeling out of control or feeling stuck can trigger anxiety attacks in me so I try to do what I can to minimize them. It’s not a bad thing to proactive. The only thing is that I always end up relying too much on myself and, in all honestly, almost not at all on God. This is something I continue to work on and the broken fridge was a good time to put that into practice.
We had to wait 2 weeks to know whether we had to purchase a refrigerator ourselves or if management would honor the contract and replace it themselves. I also forgot to mention that our original contract was made under a former owner and former management company and that the new ones didn’t offer stoves or refrigerators to tenants. So, we waited. I did what I could on my end — research which fridge would be best for our needs and our budget; where we could get one that we could pay off in installments — and we left the rest to Providence. Which was not easy to do. Again, I want to take control and fix things ASAP but I’ve learned that I can’t always do that.
Our patience — and the prayers of all the saints we asked intercession from like St. Thomas More as he was a lawyer — paid off. We don’t have to pay for a new fridge but we will have to wait several days to get the replacement. We actually don’t know when that will be as we just received word of the replacement approval yesterday. (Side note: totally counting it as a gift from the Magi and baby Jesus to us!) This has been a good lesson for me and I hope to remember it anytime that I feel the urge to get things done ASAP, especially when the situation isn’t urgent or dire.
This all led me to an epiphany: God has been trying to teach me this lesson all of my life but I’ve never learned it… or stop to think about it. I’ve noticed the pattern before but it didn’t really click for me until today. Graduation from undergrad? Delayed years due to my health and then helping take care of my dad during the last years of his life. Getting my driver’s license? Delayed until I was 25. Becoming on Oblate? Delayed due to COVID then due to my eyesight loss and ill health. And, now, moving forward with the last steps in my vocation discernment? Delayed for reasons I’ve yet to know. Not to mention that I could’ve saved myself a lot of anxiety, stress, and problems in other smaller things if I’d just been patient and had waited.
So, there’s where I am now. The timing is so beautiful as well. As mentioned in my previous post, I had reached a new stage in my vocation discernment which would surprise people. No, I’m not abandoning the discernment of consecrated virginity. If anything, i feel like Jesus has given me the gift of peace when it comes to knowing that I’m not called to either marriage or the religious life. That is, not unless an earthly man wants to enter a Josephite marriage. I don’t know where the Church stands on this particular thing — Josephite marriages — though there have been a handful of examples of saints having one, most famously that of our Blessed Mother and St. Joseph. If God were to call me to such a marriage — in which we would take care of each other and help any spiritual children we were blessed with — I would accept it. But I think God is calling me to be a single woman. I just don’t know whether that will be publicly or privately.
When I said people would be surprised, I meant by the fact that I’m stopping active discernment… and I’m actually going back to square one, in a way. I’m going to try to focus on getting to know Jesus better. You know how when you’re first interested in someone, you want to know all you can about them? Their likes, their dislikes, their habits, etc.? I feel like I haven’t done that with Jesus. He knows me as I am, entirely and hopelessly flawed. He loves me despite of that. But I feel like I haven’t gotten to know him beyond a very superficial level. If I’m called to be his bride and become a better spiritual mother, I need to get to know HIM better so that I can more obediently do what he asks of me. So, I’m not going to be discerning consecrated virginity specifically but I am going to try to get to know Christ better and hope that the time of “courtship” (because it IS a time of courtship, in a way) will make me into the bride he needs. Time (and patience) will one day reveal my exact vocation path.
This also means that I may be called to make private vows — and private vows only, something that will be done in private with just Christ and my spiritual director witnessing it. The possibility has been on my heart for the past year. In fact, I began 2022 thinking that maybe I was being called to make private vows. Originally, it was because I wanted to be hidden from the world; I wanted to protect the privacy I value. That eventually morphed into it being that Christ still wanted me to be his bride, but not necessarily in a public way. And that’s where I am right now. And, technically, I can still make private vows first and then be consecrated publicly if God is calling me to be a CV… but I still don’t know why He would choose such a pitiful gal like myself for that honor.
Anyway, I think that’s enough soul-baring for now, don’t you think? Lol. I’m feeling a little blah and my brain fog is a problem this morning so I’m going to try to take a little nap before lunch.
I hope y’all are doing well!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!
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