My Love Life Takes Center Stage

 

Photo by Tyler Nix

Raise your hand if you were expecting me to talk about this topic ever again? Yeah, didn’t think so.

There are many reasons why this topic has been on my mind a lot more than usual in recent weeks. Some of the reasons are going to stay between God, my spiritual director, and myself, but the main reason (which I can share) is due to my vocation discernment.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, I’m “done” with active discernment of a particular vocation. As in, I’m as certain as I can be without making it official. I need to meet with my spiritual director to see where I’m going to go from here but I’m fairly certain I know what God is calling me to and I believe my spiritual director agrees. It’s been a 3+ year journey that’s had its ups and downs but one I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. As I wait to meet with my SD, a lot of my past relationships (my “love life”) have come up.

I thought about the guys I dated and all my experiences with fellas before choosing to discern consecrated virginity. As my oldest friends will attest, I often kept my relationships to myself because of my intense dislike of people prying into my personal life. To paraphrase the husband of a good friend, “it looks like you share a lot but you’re very careful about what you actually share… and it’s not a lot.” 

I looked closely at how toxic some of my past relationships were, either because the guy was a jerk or because I was too immature or a combination of the two. I saw where I fell short and where things that happened were my fault. At the same time, I recognized that I was right in not wavering from any boundary pushing some of the former fellas tried. Some of the memories were difficult to look back on, but it was all necessary. I reflected on all the major mistakes I avoided making, thanks be to God, and how He kept me from making decisions I would’ve regretted. 

I thought about the ways in which I was a good girlfriend and how being in certain relationships brought out the best in me. I hadn’t realized how much more I embraced my femininity than when I was in a relationship… and it went beyond just dressing up or anything like that. I have a maternal heart and really *do* love taking care of others, even if that means simply praying for them from afar. 

I looked at how, during my “active discernment”, both guys from my past and new guys popped up at the least expected moments. If you thought there would be no guys around because I had chosen to discern CV, you’d be mistaken. Nothing happened with any of them, of course, but i learned it was par for the course. Some guys see this type of discernment as a challenge they want to win. Other guys simply enter your orbit without any nefarious intentions. Just like seminarians and other men and women discerning religious vocations, there have been temptations to stop discerning consecrated virginity because some of these guys were really great and the desire for a family has and will continue to always be there. 

When it first happened, I was both peeved and scared. I didn’t want a guy to derail me from a discernment path I thought was the right one for me. I didn’t want any of the temptations. I didn’t want to look at what I was willingly giving up by discerning CV. I was scared that I, a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, would end up having certain people gloat with “I told you so!” If I ended up abandoning the discernment because I wasn’t “strong enough” to keep discerning. A good, honest chat with my SD helped me through it. I realized that what the guy in question — someone from my past — needed was prayers and that my heart was stirred out of a maternal love for him. I ended up adopted him a spiritual son… though he doesn’t know it.

The second time it happened, I was annoyed because, “Ugh, again?!” It was a new guy. I knew I had to bring it up to my SD again and that made me embarrassed because I thought he would think I still hadn’t learned from the last guy. But, I told him and I removed myself from any situation in which I would see or hear him again. Instead, I started praying for him.

The third time, I was used to it (ha!). I prayed for him as I did the other two guys, tried to limit any interactions, and I told my SD. My SD had to remind me that I would never be completely immune to occasionally having feelings stirred in my heart because I was human and I didn’t automatically become a robot upon starting my discernment. Still, I had to look at the possibility that maybe these guys were around for a reason I didn’t particularly want to consider. I didn’t want to consider that it meant I wasn’t called to be a consecrated virgin. It scared me. It confused and annoyed me. I brought it all to my SD and I took it all to prayer. 

I eventually came to this conclusion — and the reason why I thought about my romantic past: I have always felt that I have a big heart, which I’ve often described as overflowing with love, ready to be poured out for others. One day I’ll find that blog post, which I wrote several years ago, to prove it. I thought it looked a certain way — one that fit into a neat little box. What I discovered is that i was all wrong. What I didn’t realize was that I’ve been doing it all along, even when I was dating, just in ways I wasn’t expecting.

I poured out that love into my family and friends before boys entered the picture. Then into my romantic relationships. For the last couple of years, I’ve chosen to take that love and pour it into Christ and the Church in a bigger way than I had before. For the last three years, I’ve chosen to let go of a dream of an earthly spouse and my own biological (or adoptive) children for a greater Spouse and a bigger family if it was God’s will for me. And it’s been thanks to the great guys popping up during my discernment that I became certain of my vocation.

There is a part two (already written) to this. I hope to share it once I’m able to more freely talk about what’s next for me. For now I’ll simply say that as difficult as the journey has been — especially during the times of spiritual aridity — I’m so incredibly grateful God allowed me to have the experiences of the last 3+ years. 

That’s it for now. I actually wrote this post right after I published the last one but waited to post it so there wouldn’t be so much material in a single day. This was not all I wanted to share from the last month but it’ll do for now. 

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

I’m Still Alive; The Future of My Social Media

 

Photo by Piotr Cichosz

Yes, I’m still alive. Ha!

I wanted to blog more this month as I’m sticking to my social media fast. I thought I would have the time I normally wasted on Instagram and Twitter. I thought I would be able to do things for Project 2005 in parts; that I wouldn’t have other things for it pop up. I thought I would have an “easy” month this month, with no doctor appointments and plenty of rest. Oh, how wrong I was.

The only reason why I’m currently in bed, typing this out, is because I spent the last three weeks in an unexpected “go, go, go” cycle in which I didn’t get much rest (or even much sleep) and I pushed myself — especially my body — beyond it’s limits. I can barely walk today after having a physically taxing day on Tuesday. I even had to reschedule blood work that was supposed to be done this afternoon. Yeah… I shouldn’t have done that. The pushing myself too much, I mean.

I obviously can’t get into details about Project 2005 but I will say that these first weeks of 2023 have been sort of amazing. I haven’t felt as productive or as myself as I have these weeks since my early 20s. It’s almost as if I didn’t have the health issues I have; as if I hadn’t experienced anything since my time at Santa Monica College (where I did part of my undergrad studies before transferring to a 4-year college). As weird as it sounds, it was like I had almost dreamt it all up and was now awake and living my reality… with the exception of the visual impairment and the strict medication schedule I have to maintain. 

I believe a lot of that has to do with the fact that I haven’t been active on *any* social media platform for the first time in several years. Usually, I give up one or two at a time, but not all at once. As I shared in a previous post, I haven’t had a Facebook profile in a couple of months now. I had to start over with a new Instagram account in September. As for Twitter, it’s still there but I hadn’t logged in too often in the weeks prior to my self-exile from all social media. And this time away has been good for me because it solidified what I had suspected: I don’t actually need social media. 

Yes, I do have FOMO, especially because I know I’m missing a lot. I have friends who I’m in regular, almost daily communication with and they’ll sometimes say, “Oh, yeah… I don’t think you saw that (post/reel/etc)…” or they’ll say something that makes it clear that they posted news or something somewhere and I didn’t get it because I’m not logged in. Thankfully, everything I need to know is always shared with me, even if I’m the last to know. And, that’s okay. I’ve also had to stop and think about what I want to share and with who instead of simply broadcasting it for all to read and hoping the “right people” see it.

I’ve been thinking, praying, and talking about the future of my social media presence and accounts with my spiritual director and close friends for several months now. Actually, this conversation started with my spiritual director at the end of last summer. He encouraged me to take some time to really think and pray on what God may be calling me to do with my accounts and I think I’ve come to a decision that has brought me peace and has only been confirmed by my time away from all platforms this month.

I will not be returning to Twitter in the foreseeable future. I will keep my account and I will share links to blog posts and the occasional prayer request via Hootsuite but I won’t be logging in after Candlemas. I’ll only log in to clean up the profile bio — and add that I only post via Hootsuite so no one expects a reply from me. I may return at some point but, as of now, I have chosen to stay away for the sake of my mental health.

As for Instagram, at the moment I plan to use it once a week to catch up on posts friends have shared during the week. I don’t know if that day of the week will be Wednesday or Sunday but it’ll be one day a week. I’ll manually check the accounts of whose content I want to keep up with by going directly to their profiles rather than using the feed. It’s the infinite scrolling and the auto play on the videos and reels that overwhelms me and ain’t nobody got time for that. I know I can disable auto play by using the webpage instead of the app so I’ll be doing that. I will still share posts and stories but even those will be no more than once a week. At the moment, I’m thinking of doing a monthly “photo dump” if I have things to share.

Of course, if I have major news to share, I will make an exception to share, especially if it’s time sensitive. And there may be some very exciting news coming up but, until then… *zip lips* I will most likely wait until the designated IG day to share the news as I’m regaining my ability to keep things to myself like I used to before I became a social media zombie. Wait, did I just confirm I’m keeping something from y’all? *nervous laughter* Oh, look! A squirrel! *runs away* Haha! Kidding! Of course I’m keeping something — the nature of Project 2005! 

In all honesty, I wanted (and still want) to delete Twitter completely and only keep Instagram but there may be a reason why my Twitter account will be kept alive, at least for a couple more months. I may eventually set it to private and squat the username so no shenanigans are done. I’m well aware of the sad fact that there are people who want to do major damage and I want to avoid that. 

Anyway, just wanted to write on why I’ve been MIA online. Just a lot of things that have happened. A last-minute house blessing and visit from two priests AND a new fridge within the first week of January. SO MANY new things in the last two weeks, some of which I hope to share in the next post as I want to share the rest in more detail. And there is still so much to come before the month ends. 

Alright, I’m going to rest for a bit before a phone call from a parish friend. Yeah, I didn’t think getting “Hello” as my word of the year meant home visits from three different priests (one of them was my SD), a friend who is a Franciscan friar, and many others (who mask up (doctor’s orders) as well as more communication with my parish family and other friends within the first two months of the liturgical year. I welcome it. I may be an introvert but I very much need my community to survive the bed-ridden and flare up days.

I hope you are all doing well so far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊

A Broken Fridge & My Vocation Discernment: An Epiphany Story

Photo by: Trend_ii; Unsplash

Before I get into the actual post, let me briefly say how utterly excited I am that I received the booklets of the Divine Office hours created by Clear Creek Abbey. I think they were created especially for Oblates but anyone can use them. Of course I would receive them on the vigil of the Epiphany, something I didn’t plan but was hoping for when I ordered them. A little piece of my spiritual family with something that will be good for my soul on this beautiful  feast day. And the Mexican tradition of receiving gifts on the Epiphany instead of Christmas continues in this household!

Now, back to the broken ‘fridge. Let me set the backstory for you. The day after Christmas, we ordered our usual weekly grocery delivery. Because we try to spend as little as possible, we try to plan how much food we’ll need for the week… or for however long we need it. So, we stocked up on food. The next day, I kept telling my mom that the Greek yogurt tasted warmed and off. By lunch, we figured out the fridge had stopped working. A visit from our maintenance man — who was luckily at our building that week — confirmed that the compressor had stopped working… and our building manager wasn’t available for a few days. Needless to say, we ended up having to throw away our perishables.

In true Emmy fashion (because I’m still very much a dependent child), I started asking St. Joseph for his intercession. “St. Joseph, you are the man of this house. Mom and I consecrated ourselves to you. I know you were a carpenter and didn’t have to deal with fridges but we need your help.” A few minutes later, the refrigerator began working again. Thanks be to God! It continued to work for another two weeks before it conked out again… the day after we bought our weekly groceries.

“Why didn’t you just buy a new fridge?” You may be asking. Because of our lease contract. For those who don’t know, we rent an apartment. We’ve always been a family that has lived paycheck-to-paycheck, never owning a home but renting instead. In these lease contracts are included what comes with the apartments. In our case, that included a refrigerator and a stove along with the HVAC system. Our stove was replaced for the first time early last year. The refrigerator, which apparently went about 15 years without needing replacement, was the next thing to die but, again, we couldn’t simply replace it without either asking permission from management or having them replace it as it was part of the contract.

Unluckily for us, it was at this time that they were also prepping for city inspection. A broken refrigerator was the least of their worries and management was busy with so many other problems that we had to wait. Even after city inspection came and went, the building owner had gone on vacation and management couldn’t do anything without their approval. So, we waited 2 weeks until the owner returned from vacation and could give us word on what was going to happen.

Because we’ve never had to buy a fridge before (they’ve always been included in the units we’ve rented), we didn’t know how expensive things were. I had to do the research since my mom has a panic attack simply thinking about how she might have to touch and try to figure out how to use a tablet or laptop. No, seriously. She honestly has panic attacks just thinking about it. Anyway, I looked… and, holy wow! Refrigerators are how much?! And… why all the smart technology? Why couldn’t we find one that wasn’t too big or had too many things going on? We just needed something to keep our food cold, not something out of The Jetsons. We thought about how little we have in terms of savings and how many expenses we have — a “perk” of living in Los Angele county — and… it was hard not to get stressed out.

My mind automatically jumps into, “What can I do to fix this?” Those who know me well can attest that I have plans A, B, C, D, AND E when trying to solve a problem. I admittedly like to try to control the situation as a result of anxiety. I know that feeling out of control or feeling stuck can trigger anxiety attacks in me so I try to do what I can to minimize them. It’s not a bad thing to proactive. The only thing is that I always end up relying too much on myself and, in all honestly, almost not at all on God. This is something I continue to work on and the broken fridge was a good time to put that into practice. 

We had to wait 2 weeks to know whether we had to purchase a refrigerator ourselves or if management would honor the contract and replace it themselves. I also forgot to mention that our original contract was made under a former owner and former management company and that the new ones didn’t offer stoves or refrigerators to tenants. So, we waited. I did what I could on my end — research which fridge would be best for our needs and our budget; where we could get one that we could pay off in installments — and we left the rest to Providence. Which was not easy to do. Again, I want to take control and fix things ASAP but I’ve learned that I can’t always do that.

Our patience — and the prayers of all the saints we asked intercession from like St. Thomas More as he was a lawyer — paid off. We don’t have to pay for a new fridge but we will have to wait several days to get the replacement. We actually don’t know when that will be as we just received word of the replacement approval yesterday. (Side note: totally counting it as a gift from the Magi and baby Jesus to us!) This has been a good lesson for me and I hope to remember it anytime that I feel the urge to get things done ASAP, especially when the situation isn’t urgent or dire.

This all led me to an epiphany: God has been trying to teach me this lesson all of my life but I’ve never learned it… or stop to think about it. I’ve noticed the pattern before but it didn’t really click for me until today. Graduation from undergrad? Delayed years due to my health and then helping take care of my dad during the last years of his life. Getting my driver’s license? Delayed until I was 25. Becoming on Oblate? Delayed due to COVID then due to my eyesight loss and ill health. And, now, moving forward with the last steps in my vocation discernment? Delayed for reasons I’ve yet to know. Not to mention that I could’ve saved myself a lot of anxiety, stress, and problems in other smaller things if I’d just been patient and had waited.

So, there’s where I am now. The timing is so beautiful as well. As mentioned in my previous post, I had reached a new stage in my vocation discernment which would surprise people. No, I’m not abandoning the discernment of consecrated virginity. If anything, i feel like Jesus has given me the gift of peace when it comes to knowing that I’m not called to either marriage or the religious life. That is, not unless an earthly man wants to enter a Josephite marriage. I don’t know where the Church stands on this particular thing — Josephite marriages — though there have been a handful of examples of saints having one, most famously that of our Blessed Mother and St. Joseph. If God were to call me to such a marriage — in which we would take care of each other and help any spiritual children we were blessed with — I would accept it. But I think God is calling me to be a single woman. I just don’t know whether that will be publicly or privately. 

When I said people would be surprised, I meant by the fact that I’m stopping active discernment… and I’m actually going back to square one, in a way. I’m going to try to focus on getting to know Jesus better. You know how when you’re first interested in someone, you want to know all you can about them? Their likes, their dislikes, their habits, etc.? I feel like I haven’t done that with Jesus. He knows me as I am, entirely and hopelessly flawed. He loves me despite of that. But I feel like I haven’t gotten to know him beyond a very superficial level. If I’m called to be his bride and become a better spiritual mother, I need to get to know HIM better so that I can more obediently do what he asks of me. So, I’m not going to be discerning consecrated virginity specifically but I am going to try to get to know Christ better and hope that the time of “courtship” (because it IS a time of courtship, in a way) will make me into the bride he needs. Time (and patience) will one day reveal my exact vocation path. 

This also means that I may be called to make private vows — and private vows only, something that will be done in private with just Christ and my spiritual director witnessing it. The possibility has been on my heart for the past year. In fact, I began 2022 thinking that maybe I was being called to make private vows. Originally, it was because I wanted to be hidden from the world; I wanted to protect the privacy I value. That eventually morphed into it being that Christ still wanted me to be his bride, but not necessarily in a public way. And that’s where I am right now. And, technically, I can still make private vows first and then be consecrated publicly if God is calling me to be a CV… but I still don’t know why He would choose such a pitiful gal like myself for that honor. 

Anyway, I think that’s enough soul-baring for now, don’t you think? Lol. I’m feeling a little blah and my brain fog is a problem this morning so I’m going to try to take a little nap before lunch.

I hope y’all are doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Boring Life Update. Seriously.

 Happy New Year, everyone! I hope you have all had a lovely start of the year!

I had planned on making my annual “end of year” reflection post but, at the last minute, decided against it. It was a sad day with the news of the death of my beloved Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI. (Side note: as of this morning, I’m still tearing up whenever I see anything on him.) Mom and I both agreed that it didn’t feel right to celebrate so we spent the day quietly at home. I disconnected from social media a couple of hours early, and, honestly, I did as little as possible. I was feeling physically drained from the latest flare-up, feeling burnt out from the online world, and feeling sad over Pope Emeritus’ death that I didn’t want to write. So, I didn’t. Don’t ask me why his death affected me so much because I don’t know. He was *my* pope — the man who was pope when I returned to the Church and whose introverted, academic, musical personality made him a “kindred spirit” — so that might’ve been why it felt like a lost a family member.

Today was the first time I’ve felt anywhere remotely close to “normal” which is why I’m just now writing. This latest flare-up has been less intense in regards to the physical pain but it’s been more physically draining in others ways. I want to be asleep most of the day but I can’t because of the persistently noisy neighbors we’re surrounded by. I think I only got 3-4 hours of sleep on Sunday morning because one set of neighbors arrived home (making a lot of noise) a little after 1 a.m. and the other set arrived after 2 a.m. seemingly drunk and very, very loud. As someone who needs as much sleep as possible and sleeps in the living room because my bedroom is too small or me to use without potentially hurting myself, it was not fun. Needless to say, I was cranky that day due to lack of sleep but yesterday was much better.

I made the most out of National Introvert Day. I watched (as much as I can with my visual impairment) the Rose Parade because, hi! Flower lover over here. My neighbors were quieter than usual so I squeezed in a post-Rose Parade nap and took the rest of the day easy. I didn’t reply to messages that weren’t urgent. I lost myself in the book Maurice and Therese: The Story of Love by Patrick Ahern for a couple of hours. I listened to the Sabrina(1995) soundtrack on my discman while lying down and letting my body rest from sitting because, yes, even that tires me out. I finished the day watching Letters to Juliet (total comfort movie for me) on Amazon Prime since they’ve added it to their prime library and I wanted to see how good (or not) the Audio Description was. Final verdict: Netflix is still superior when it comes to AD as they get actual people to describe scenes and Prime seems to be using AI tech to do it. It’s just not as enjoyable but I appreciate the effort nonetheless. Basically, I allowed myself to take things slowly yesterday which is why I think I’m feeling a bit more energized today.

I’m still not ready to fully return to the online world but I also don’t have to. I have zero commitments to anything that has to be done online. Project 2005 is mostly offline though not entirely screen-free. I’m on day 3 of my social media detox and I’m already noticing a difference in my stress levels. I don’t get some news right away — I have to look things up once my mom lets me know of something she saw on the news — but that seems to be what I need and have needed for so long. I do have a bit of FOMO but it’s nothing that I can’t work through with God’s help.

I briefly mentioned Project 2005 because, honestly, except for a couple of little things I’ve been able to do even with my fatigue, I haven’t done much for it. Today was the first time I was able to do the big work that was necessary for the rest of this month’s work to go as smoothly as possible. I’m going to tackle it in parts — and in smaller parts within those parts — to avoid burning myself out, trying to finish everything right before the year ends. Little Miss Procrastinator over here needs to do this or else… Stress City, population: Me. All I can say about the work I’ve already done is… it’s probably the easiest part of what I’m going to do. It’s the foundation, in a way, and the rest is going to require harder work… but it’s work I’m willing to do.

So, it doesn’t look like a lot is going on with me… but a lot is. It’s mostly interior and I’m going to slowly share as things get clarified and solidified. Part of those things have to do with my vocation (and it may not be what people are expecting from me but here we are…), part of it has to do with my growth as a person, and part of it has to do with the potential fruits of Project 2005.  I wish I could share about it all right now… but it’s too early to be sure of anything. Some things I still have to run through my spiritual director first as well. As I said, things need to be figured out first and then I’ll go from there. 

Alright, my wireless keyboard’s battery is about to completely drain so I’m going to end this post here. Nothing important; just a simple update for friends who are wondering what’s going on. I’m fine, just sleeping whenever I can and trying to rest to be able to tackle all the other things I have coming up in the next couple of weeks/months. And, yes, I’m up for viewing parties for the the rest of the week because next week starts the first big part of the Project and I may go hours without checking any messages. You’ve all been properly warned… if you read this post. Lol.  

I hope the next post will be more interesting than this one. I just wanted to write for a bit today so… here we are. Lol.

Again, I hope you are all having a lovely start of the New Year!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊