I feel like I live my life on perpetual delay.
I graduated from college years later than anticipated because I had to put my education on holy when I was sick (what led to my reversion) and then when my father had terminal cancer and I helped him.
I started discerning consecrated virginity months after the very clear “let him court you” moment (https://catholicnerdwriter.blogspot.com/2019/01/im-letting-him-court-me-where-i-am-in.html?m=0 ) in January 2019 (I officially started discerning a couple of months later, in November). That was temporarily derailed by a brief discernment of marriage with someone but it got back on track before the year ended.
After started my discernment, it took me a couple of months to find a spiritual director… and I only met up with him twice before COVID hit and halted everything. We kept “meeting up” over FaceTime until all that went down in the summer 2020 with the adrenal crises and losing my eyesight. I had to put my discernment on hold for a couple of months while I focused on my health.
Even becoming a Benedictine Oblate was delayed a bit over a year because of COVID and my health. I was supposed to make my final promises in June 2020.
There are a number of other examples but you get the gist. I seem to live my life in delay; everything happening much later than it’s “supposed” to.
I will never forget my former spiritual director (the one who introduced the Benedictine order to me) telling me that something was supposed to happen when I was 18 years old and it never did, thus delaying everything. I hadn’t thought about — about Fr. B’s words — until the last couple of when (as I had mentioned in the last post) it became abundantly clear to me that God is asking me to shed the last bits of things that are keeping me from moving forward.
I feel like I’ve been stuck in adolescence for far longer than I should have. I have a few theories to this.
It could be because I didn’t have much of a childhood and adolescence, taking care of my parents when they got sick. I can still remember me at age 7-8, washing dishes by hand for the first time because my mom was so sick she couldn’t do anything. My father was away at the time so I took on the household responsibilities as well as I could at that age.
It could be because of the changes I went through in high school — developing crippling social anxiety at 15 that led to me being pulled out of regular public high school and doing a homeschool/independent study hybrid program through the end of high school.
It could be the first time I was “beat up” (really, just my back was a little bruised and scratched up) by a girl at my school — something she did after I spoke up against a friend of hers who was bullying someone else. I was 14 at the time.
It could be the bullying from a former classmate (and former friend) who anonymously emailed me threatening and harassing messages, including a couple that told me to kill myself because I was worthless and no one wanted me around. I later found out who it was and I pray for him even now.
It could be that my father — the pillar of the family and the parent I was always closest to — was first diagnosed with colon cancer when I was in high school.
Whatever it was — I feel like I was stuck in my teens for years and I’m just now “growing up.”
That’s not to say that I’ve had Peter Pan Syndrome all these years. I feel like I grew up very fast in many ways, especially when it came to the amount of responsibility I took, but I stayed very young in many ways.
All my comfort novels are YA (think the “Love &…” series by Jenna Evans Welch). Same with my guilty pleasure shows (like “Club 57” for those who are outside the U.S. and have seen it). I go back to entertainment I loved young or that is aimed at a younger demographic. At first I thought it was because a child at heart (and I definitely feel very childlike in many ways). Then I thought it was because there were less chances of seeing or hearing things I’ve never been comfortable watching, such as scenes of the marital act either inside or outside of marriage. I have a very vivid imagination and things linger for a long time; I don’t need that stuff in my head for purity and modesty’s sake.
I could’ve stayed quiet about this because it’s so embarrassing to admit but I feel like I need to be open about it so I can move forward from it.
In recent weeks, I feel like God has shown me all of these things and has said (in a very gentle but Fatherly manner), “There’s nothing wrong with these things but they’re holding you back. You’re *age redacted*. It’s great that you have held onto your childlike qualities, but you need to let go of the things that will not allow you to grow in all areas of your life. You can’t move forward in your vocation discernment or spiritual life if you revert to things that keep you in your comfort bubble. You can’t grow emotionally if you run back to these books and shows when things get ‘too hard.’ You rely too much on comfort and things that remind you of easier times to cope with difficult things. Again, they’re not bad, but they’re not good for you. It’s time to let go and move forward. It’s time.”
I’m not saying that this is exactly what God is saying but this is what I feel like He is making clear to me.
If you’re following me on Goodreads (https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/1897391-melissa) you might’ve recently noticed that I’ve hit the YA novels lately. That’s partially because I’m trying to figure out which books I’m getting rid of and which I’ll keep. I’ll be doing this with all my books, not just YA, but I’m starting with them because I feel like I need to focus on these first. The more I read them, the more I cringe and feel myself completely detaching from them. It’s exactly what I need. I know I won’t chuck all the YA books as some are actually pretty good for the genre and are good stories but the majority are either being removed from my library (digital) or will get good homes with friends with kids or the library.
Letting go of the shows is easier as a majority of them are either hard to access because they’re not available in the U.S. (Latin American shows are my guilty pleasure) or I simply don’t renew my subscription to the streaming sites (Disney+ anyone?).
Many months ago, I said that I felt like God gave me one final “resting” period; when I would be allowed to be somewhat selfish and do things for myself for the first time in my adult life. This was a time of recovery from health issues (when I was newly diagnosed with both bilateral optic nerve atrophy and adrenal insufficiency). This was a time of growth in many ways. Now I feel like God is asking me to pick things up from where I left them off; from where they were right before COVID and before my health tanked.
I hope all of this means God is preparing my heart and mind for the next phase in my vocation discernment… whatever that may be. If not, I know God will bring good fruits of this time of growth. It definitely feels like the beginning of something I’ve never experienced for and I’m very excited to see what He has in store for me. No more delays… no more feeling stagnant.
Anyway, that’s enough soul baring for now. There’s a St. Therese program on EWTN about to start that I want to watch so… I’m going to go listen to that.
I hope y’all are doing well and that you’re having a lovely week thus far. Please keep me in your prayers as I prepare for my next schedule surgical procedure on Friday.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊
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