This past Monday I celebrated my first anniversary as a Benedictine oblate. I have been sister Marie-Therese for over a year now. How is that possible?
It was a beautiful day. I got to talk to my Oblate sister, sr. Elisabeth, via video chat for an hour. It was much needed as I always feel myself getting grounded (from always having my heads in the clouds) and at peace when I talk to her. I also got to talk to her two little gals who I haven’t seen since our road trip out to Clear Creek Abbey last year.
After our chat, I had lunch and then an impromptu 3.5 hour (seriously!) FaceTime chat with Edith (whom many of you know as CatholicSeoul on Twitter) that was full of laughter to the point of tears. If/when we become roommates, we’re never going to sleep. Lol.
At the end of the day — and after those two wonderful conversations — I had some time to reflect on my first year as an oblate. In fact, I’m still thinking about it, a couple of days later.
As I told sr. Elisabeth, I feel like I was (and still am) a terrible Oblate. I feel like I failed to live my life as an oblate on several occasions during the year. I was surprised to hear that sr. Elisabeth felt the same way about herself. Maybe this is typical of all new oblates? I felt like my novitiate was so fruitful but I experienced so much dryness during the first year after making my final act of oblation. Granted, I’m also discerning consecrated virginity and was given a tentative green light to move forward a couple of months ago so that could also be contributing to the aridity.
I feel like I’m still learning. I was a novice for two years but, still, I’m slowly growing in my spiritual life as an Oblate. I still have a lot of things to fully incorporate into my life to the point of it being second nature but this is a lifelong commitment I’ve made so I have time to perfect it. I think perhaps I’m simply impatient that I’m still very much a baby oblate, teetering around as I try to move forward. Thankfully, I have my oblate family and my beloved monks praying for me so I’m not in this by myself.
I can now see why my spiritual director told me to make my final act of oblation before moving forward with my vocation discernment. When I became serious about becoming an oblate, the CV vocation wasn’t even on my radar yet it’s set the foundation I need for my vocation. The emphasis on obedience, on praying the Divine Office… all of these things (and more) prepared me for a life as a CV. Even if I don’t ultimately get publicly consecrated and end up making private vows, my life as a Benedictine oblate has prepared me for my vocation. I think it would’ve prepared me for a life as a wife and mother as well but it wasn’t what God had in store for me.
What am I expecting my second year as an Oblate to look like? Honestly? I don’t have any plans for it. I’m going to keep trying to perfect the habits I already have and then try to add the things I’m still missing, like practice with hospitality. That one will be more difficult due to my health situation and the restrictions when it comes to visitors but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. At the moment, embracing silence — which I’ve been trying to do more of… and have been failing at — is still my top priority. I have my good days and then my days when I fail because I feel physically miserable and the noise from texts and audiobooks bring me comfort. That is something I’m still weaning myself off from and it’s something I’ll continue working on.
I think that’s the beauty of being an oblate — I don’t feel the pressure to be perfect at all costs. I always had that pressure growing up; to be the perfect *insert role I had to fulfill*. Becoming an oblate, I’ve learned to let those perfectionist tendencies go. As our holy father St. Benedict reminds me in his Holy Rule, we should do what we can to the best of our abilities and have that be enough. We’re not here to impress anyone. I’m here to serve God in whatever ways I can as best as I can. Even resting and simply resigning myself to it when I cannot do more can become a form of prayer and an offering to God. I sometimes slip back into that mentality but it’s becoming easier for me to turn my mind and heart back to God.
One more thing… I’ve come to accept that God may be calling me to stay in Los Angeles and/or the West Coast. This is where I’m going to bring my life as a Benedictine Oblate and my vocation as a potential CV together. In obedience to God’s will, I recognize that He may be calling me to be a sort of missionary in this city; to be away from my spiritual family. As much as I would love to pack up and move to Oklahoma (and I have looked into apartments in Tulsa as I would need to live in/near a city due to my health conditions), I recognize that my heart may always be across the country. As of now, it looks like He wants me to be here for the foreseeable future. Whether I will stay and be consecrated here or if I’ll be uprooted and planted to a different diocese, I don’t know. But I will do whatever He wills… and my lifestyle as an oblate will both prepare me for it and also provide that stability. No matter what my vocation will ultimately be, no matter where I will ultimately settle — I will always have my spiritual home of Clear Creek Abbey where I will be able to retreat to. I will always have a family that will pray for me, something so important if I do become a CV and will not have a family of my own.
Anyway, just a few thoughts about that. I haven’t felt well most of this week so I’ve been resting and trying to take it easy. That’s partially why I didn’t post this sooner. I had so much going on all the while I was feeling crummy. I even had to reschedule my excision this past Thursday to this upcoming Thursday, i was feeling that unwell. I’m still in bed today but that’s okay. This is where God wants me right now so it’s where I will be. Now, if my mind will just cooperate with me so I can focus on the Mass readings, I’d appreciate it. Lol.
I’m going to go finish listening to Laufey’s debut album and then try to take a nap. I’ve yet to find earplugs to tune out the noisy neighbors so my noise-cancelling headphones will have to do for now.
I hope you’re all having a lovely weekend (and a happy feast of St. Monica).
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊
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