It’s been a hectic month. I went to the ER for wound care every 2-3 days for most of the month. My last (outside the home) wound care appointment was on Friday at an urgent care. The wound has healed enough to need only an antibiotic ointment applied to it once a day, something my mom can do for me at home. I only have a week respite because I have my second surgical procedure (at the same site, no less) next Friday. I don’t know what sort of wound care will be necessary after it but I hope it’ll be less crazy than the last month.
I’ve also seen a mini health relapse, potentially as a result of all the stress my body has been under due to the infection I had last month and the dozens of wound care repacking I had this month. My body is simply worn down at this point. Just in the last week I had two painful wound care appointments as well as an important blood draw for my new endocrinologist to help her determine whether my adrenal insufficiency is indeed secondary or if I was misdiagnosed and it’s actually primary (Addison’s disease). Add stress from financial strain, a long-time neighbor spreading slanderous lies about my mother and I in an attempt to get our neighbors to “cancel” us, and a slew of other physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually difficult moments sprinkled throughout the month… it’s no wonder my body is feeling weak and exhausted.
I was not expecting any consolations during this time. In fact, I was sort of expecting to have a St. Teresa of Calcutta-type situation on my hands. You know, where she had a “dark night of the soul” for the last decades of her life. I wasn’t receiving consolations from anything. Not prayer. Not (most) lectio divina. I think it’s because three very important things happened:
- Reading The Extraordinary Parents of St.
- Thérèse of Lisieux: Sts. Louis and Zélie Martin by Hélène Mongin as part of my lectio divina
- Changing my prayer life
- No longer fighting God on letting go of things that I’m overdue to detach from
I feel like the latter has been something that’s been in the works for the last year and a half — and a big reason why I was plunged into that terrible spiritual desert at the end of last year through the beginning of Lent this year. I’ll get to this last as it’s the final puzzle piece to the great consolation God gifted me.
I had recommended the book on St. Therese’s parents months (years?) ago to the Los Angeles Public Library. It had been so long that I don’t remember when. Either way, since I’d recommended it, I was given one of the first copies to borrow when they purchased copies. I went through it somewhat slowly — a chapter per day — because my brain fog and inability to concentrate on anything for more than few seconds at a time made it hard to do more. Thankfully, the chapters were short enough that I could read them between Terce and the time I had to leave to wound care.
It was thanks to that book, and Sts. Louis & Zelle’s examples of suffering well, that I was able to endure the last appointments as well as I did. Even when I had a doctor make me feel like I was a burden to them — and that I was unwelcome — that I was able to (through tears) remind myself that I had received great care from other doctors and nurses and that not everyone was going to like me or treat me well… and that that was okay. I’ve always been very sensitive — there’s a reason why St. Therese’s life has resonated with me the way no other saint’s life has before — so the doctor’s words and actions (she was the one to physically hurt me the most during a repacking until a nurse stepped in) hurt but not the way they would’ve before. Instead I tried to remember to not complain, to offer up the pain, and to keep a cheerful disposition even though I was physically and emotionally hurting. It was when I changed my attitude and mind frame, the consolations started coming in.
I think the changes in my prayer life also helped the graces begin to flow more easily. I made some major (for me) changes. I “downgraded” from the Monastic Diurnal to the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I started watching the live streamed Mass (both live and prerecorded when I wasn’t home for the live Mass) from the Knock Shrine instead of watching it on EWTN. The weekday Masses tend to be a lot shorter at the Knock Shrine and I don’t get the music or Latin I like but it’s been a game changer.
I made both changes because of my waning attention span. I can’t concentrate on longer prayers but I can do it more easily with shorter prayers. The same with the Mass. I unintentionally “check out” very easily and I end up not paying attention to either the readings or homily (or both on bad days) so the shorter Masses have been a blessing. That and I like the style of the Irish priests — they’re straight to the point in fewer words during their homilies. And, surprisingly, this style makes me think more and affect me (in a good way!) more than most of the homilies I’ve heard at OF Masses here in the States. For the record, I’m not knocking the styles of the priests here. I’m simply stating that in my current situation with my brain and everything else going on, this is what I need for my spiritual life… at this point in time. I still love my long Latin Masses with all the smells and bells but my brain is not cooperating with me for those so I will go where I can get quality Jesus time with my limitations.
And all of this goes into the big revelation from God that has brought even more consolation: the realization that I’ve way overdue to let go of things that keep me in a place of “perpetual adolescence” in many areas of my life. I hope to unpack this more on a separate blog post but, for now, I’ll say that God has made it abundantly clear that all the good things that have brought me comfort and joy — many of which aren’t actually bad things. As I said, I want to really get into this next time because this post is already long but I wanted to mention it because of the fruits. As soon as I stopped fighting the glaringly obvious and started embracing the “suffering” that came with letting go of things that have kept me either afloat or on fire (for the faith), I started seeing major positive changes in my life.
I’m starting to feel like the girl that started this blog almost 16 (!!!) years ago. As I used to write many years ago (but haven’t often felt in recent years), all the physical suffering is making me feel closer to God. I more easily accept these health crosses. I don’t go looking for them but I accept them… even if I’m sobbing as I tell God that I accept them if they’re part of His Will for me. I honestly don’t think I’ve been able to say that and truly mean it since the last time I was hospitalized in November. In fact, I remember asking God to remove the health crosses because I was so exhausted (physically, emotionally, mentally, & spiritually) that I didn’t them any longer. But things have changed and I feel like my old self again.
I’m also starting to feel like I’m in the final stages of the “great thaw” (as I’m calling it); finally moving forward after being stagnant for so many years. More on this next time.
Anyway, I’ll leave things here for now. I may just start writing the next post after publishing this one but I’ll publish it either tomorrow or later in the week. I have a big, important appointment tomorrow that could potentially help me move forward in my vocation discernment process so prayers it goes well would be appreciated. I’ll definitely try to post before my next surgical procedure next Friday so I don’t leave y’all hanging for too long.
I hope you’re all doing well and that you had a lovely weekend.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊
No comments:
Post a Comment