Ever feel like the Holy Spirit bombards you with so many confirmations on what you need to do that you can no longer deny it nor have an excuse not to do it? There’s where I am right now.
As with everything else I’ve been experiencing in recent weeks, it feels like it’s something that should’ve happened already but was delayed for whatever reason. Maybe I needed to mature or maybe I needed to experience what I have to do a better job at what is being asked of me. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I know couldn’t have done a better job at doing it where I was before.
In all honesty, I don’t know if I’d do a good job at it now — I don’t feel prepared for it — but I try to remember what my spiritual director told me a couple of months ago; about how we sometimes don’t feel ready to do what God is asking of us but all we have to do is trust in Him. So, that’s what I’m going to do: take everything to prayer, trust Him, and jump in with childlike trust and confidence.
“Okay, but you haven’t told us what all those things are. We don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Some of it, you do (if you’ve been reading my latest posts). God is asking me to detach myself from things that are holding me back; things that I should’ve let go of a long time ago. It’s letting go of things that bring me comfort and keep me in that state of comfort, which I have grown too used to. As I wrote in previous posts, the things aren’t necessarily bad — some are even good — but I rely on them too much and not enough on God. I need to flip that and rely solely on God and not so much on earthly things that will only temporarily bring relief and fleeting joy.
In today’s reading of the Holy Rule of St. Benedict, I was reminded that when I became a Benedictine oblate novice (and then made my final promises), I knew that this way of life was going to ask me to emulate my spiritual family; to embrace hard work and the discomfort that that may bring. The part in the Commentary for Benedictine Oblates on the Holy Rule of St. Benedict by G.A. Simon that most stuck out to me was, “We shall have to renounce, therefore, certain habits, certain satisfactions, certain pleasures even though they’re legitimate. We shall have to lead a more retired life. We shall have to accept on the part of those who do not understand us accusations, mockeries, perhaps even persecutions…. We shall have to have to subject ourselves to an austere Rule, according to our circumstances, faithfully, in a spirit of obedience, not only for a year or two…. But always; not only in the joy and the transport of the soul, but in its dryness and fatigue.” (pg 410)
That felt like the final ear pull (in the best way!) from the Holy Spirit to quit dawdling. And what is funny about all of this? A majority of what I have to change — what is being asked of me — is what I have asked God for for years… and now I’m having a hard time actually doing it.
I’m like that kid at Christmas who gets what they really wanted but then loses interest in it immediately. It sounds terrible but that’s the reality. And I’m not talking about losing interest in being an Oblate or anything like that.
How long have I been saying that I desire to be detached from things like social media, from certain forms of entertainment? How many times have I said that I want to be more hidden? Now that it seems like the time has come to actually do it… “God, are you sure? Like now?”
I’m not disappearing from the internet entirely. I feel like God is asking me to continue writing; to keep this blog and return to freelance writing (which I’ve had to take a break from due to health reasons). The freelance work will have to be slowed into but blogging? I can do more of that. And I want to.
But social media? I can see where I have to change some of my habits and ways. I’ve tried in very half-hearted attempts but now? Time to actually do it and not just say that I want to do it. Time to disconnect more often; to invest more in my offline relationships even though I’m basically homebound and visitors have been discouraged by one of my (former) doctors due to my fragile immune system. Thanks, oral hydrocortisone, for literally keeping me alive but also limiting my social interactions.
I don’t know where my vocation discernment will go in a couple of months but this all feels like groundwork for that. Whatever happens with that — whether Archbishop Gomez thinks God is absolutely calling me to consecrated virginity or to make simple private vows (as I have discerned that neither religious life nor married life are for me) — I know that everything I’m going to do now is going to prepare me for the rest of my life.
I hope that detaching from earthly things will keep my mind more focused on Heaven,
I hope that by hearing less outside chatter — and potentially getting influenced by others — I will hear His voice more clearly and be more attuned to what He asks of me without worrying about what others may do or say.
I hope I can actually do a half-way decent job of what I feel like God is asking of me; that I have the courage, strength (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual), and perseverance to do it all. And, if I don’t, I will simply have to trust that God will give me the graces necessary to do it as well as He wants me to do it.
I will be updating this blog as I used to during its inception — as a diary of sorts. For quite some time now, I’ve been trying to write as someone who is “professional” and tries to stay detached and be very careful about what is shared. While I’ve never been a complete open book, I have censored myself a lot, partially out of fear of ridicule and partially due to self-consciousness after comments received. Well, not anymore. I’m reverting back to my old style. I’m pretty sure only friends read my scribblings these days anyway so that takes a lot of pressure off. Doing this — going back to writing as i used to — is only the first step in the changes.
Again, I hope to be able to share this journey with y’all as I do feel like this is both necessary and overdue… and something I need to be open about. I don’t know why but that’s what I feel. I’ll keep taking everything to prayer to make sure I keep doing what God is asking of me.
And with that, I’m going to give my eyes a little break. I’m still trying to figure out how much light I can tolerate before a migraine gets triggered and with the bright sun these days, headaches get triggered more easily. This is a time when I can offer up my desire to do more and simply rest and not feel bad about resting,
Did y’all know that you can still get photophobia even if you’re either completely blind or just legally blind? Yep. An hour of out in the sun without sunglasses triggered a debilitating 72-hour migraine for me a few months ago. Couple that with my visual impairment, which already entails a lot of squinting and other headache-inducing eye straining throughout the day, and, well, you can guess why I need to close my eyes for extended periods of times. Totally appropriate that I mention this today as it’s the feast of St. Clare of Assisi, one of the patronesses of eye problems.
Anyway, that’s enough babbling from me.
I hope y’all have had and continue to have a lovely week.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊
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