I am overwhelmed… and I feel incredibly disoriented as a result. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t concentrate on anything, prayer included. I’ve had to take some time (but perhaps not enough) to figure out what changes need to happen because I feel like I could very easily have a mental health relapse if I don’t do anything about it soon.
This summer has been hectic. From the emergency surgical procedure and the month of painful wound care that followed to the stress surrounding an important process I’m currently going through (which I’ll share when I’m able to), I haven’t had a chance to breathe. Even this last week, which has forced us to slow down due to the triple digit heat we are experiencing in L.A. (“is 110 but feels 118” anyone?) has not been a restful one for me. I had my second surgical procedure last Thursday and I have to go get the sutures removed this upcoming Thursday. Add the chaos of living in a noisy apartment building, feeling pulled in so many directions by so many people and situations, being unable to sleep as well as I should, being unable to pray or even attend Mass… it’s all the perfect recipe for me to feel on the verge of tears.
Yesterday I spent the day trying to find old photos of one of my oldest and dearest friends to surprise him with for his birthday today (happy birthday, J!) and I was plunged into this sea of nostalgia. The photos brought back so many wonderful memories — of my late teens, my college years… of my pre-reversion and early reversion years. I remembered how happy I was then; how I dealt with the stress of life in a healthier way. I remembered the adjectives that were used when a counselor on campus described me and how “bubbly” is probably not a word anyone would use anymore. That made me sad.
I remembered walking across campus at Santa Monica College on rainy winter and spring days… walking to the cozy cafeteria and hanging out with friends (including J)… of how, even though I had a difficult time with my social anxiety at times, I still managed to survive and even thrive. I remembered how unapologetically “Emmy” I was back then and how I miss that.
Who was I back then? I was a girl who loved jazz. Who wore a lot of pink and red. Who loved classic Hollywood movies and had a bit of a crush on Gene Kelly. Who carried her guitar around campus to practice in between classes (or to practice during my intro to acoustic guitar class). I stayed in touch with friends at other schools (still local) via text messages in between classes and saw them when we were all free. I read… a lot. I always had music playing. I didn’t think about the stressors I do now. I was eternally optimistic. Yes, I was definitely bubbly back then as well though I’ve always been a bit reserved at times as well. I loved life and was curious to learn more. To give you an idea of my personality using the four temperament tests: I got sanguine-phlegmatic for the first couple of years I took the test.
Can I say the same now? Not really. I’m a lot older and life experience has changed me, for better or worse. I still love jazz. I still love pink but I don’t own anything of that color. I got a red shirt for my birthday this year but it’s the first thing of bright color I’ve owned for years. I still have my guitar (though a different one from the one I carried around campus) but I don’t play it as much as I would like. I don’t text as much… nor do I keep in touch as well as I could. Music is still my “love language” but it’s rarely playing these days. I’m no longer the optimist I was… and I’m definitely not bubbly anymore. I go through books quicker than most but then again I have audiobooks and a lot more free time than most. I also now test as a melancholic-phlegmatic in the four temperaments test. It’s quite the change.
I could say that the loss of my father in 2009 is responsible for a lot of that change but it’s only part of it. Looking back at my life from about 2004 to now, I can see what has been the major factor in these changes: overstimulation and a perfectionism I never had that has been made worse by hyper connectivity and how social media has changed in general.
Sure, I was on MySpace and then The Facebook (as it was called back then; you could only join if your university/college was added and needed a student email address to join) but i wasn’t on it like I am on all social media platforms now. We posted to share something quick with friends but didn’t spend so much time on them because we called and saw each other regularly.
I didn’t have the pressure of presenting “the best version” of myself 24/7. My friends got to see me at my best and worst. In fact, when I was writing the IG birthday message for J last night, I was realizing how he was probably one of the last people who got to know me as I am without filters or restrictions. I didn’t feel the need to “perform” and be something I wasn’t. I was blissfully unaware of how others perceived me and, back then, people didn’t critique your every word and action like they do now. People were more courteous and only those who were truly rude had the audacity to say some of the things they now do without a second thought.
Social media isn’t solely to blame nor is it itself entirely bad. I met so many wonderful people that are some of my best friends now. I wouldn’t have my Catholic community if it wasn’t for early Catholic Twitter (circa 2008-2011). I wouldn’t have grown in my faith. For that I’m so grateful. But that doesn’t take away for the other stuff. I won’t get into it because I know I’ve written about it in the past.
The rapidity of the internet — the 24/7 “breaking news” cycle that never sleeps, the expectation to reply to messages ASAP, the pressure to live up to unrealistic expectations and then get dragged through the mud when you don’t live up to others’ expectations — it’s all too much for me. It makes me feel like I’m suffocating most of the time.
And it’s not only social media that has me feeling overwhelmed. I’ve noticed that when I listen to audiobooks at anything but normal speed, I will be unable to concentrate on anything for at least the next day. Again, it’s too much overstimulation that has my already sensitive nature overwhelmed. I can’t have uptempo music playing while I’m trying to concentrate or else I will get flustered. I have to concentrate on one thing at a time; multitasking is not my friend.
I need the slow life, but I didn’t realize just how much until last night when it all came together for me. I need to go beyond random social media breaks. I need to go beyond the normal introvert recharging. I tend to disappear for a couple of days every once in a while because I need to soothe my frazzled nerves and racing mind… but I haven’t done much of it in a while. Yes, I take breaks from social media but I don’t have periods of utter silence. I’ve been working on it and I’ve found little things that are helping but I need to make more radical changes.
I need rest. I need silence. I need exactly what the autumn season is all about… slowing down. Have I said that enough?
In recent weeks I’ve gotten into the habit of turning off my WiFi router during the majority of the day to keep myself from browsing or wasting time on overstimulating things. Don’t get me started on how Instagram (aka TikTok lite) has become my primary source of overstimulating stress. I download the audiobooks and podcast episodes as needed. I turn on wifi for the live stream of the Masses but otherwise, I have designated times to have that internet access.
I’m also bringing back my 2 days of social media per week. I’ll check in on Mondays and Thursdays but I’ll otherwise be off. I’m deleting the apps off my phone and tablet as I will unintentionally click on the offloaded app and then will scramble to cancel the download when I realize what I’ve done. I’m also toying with the idea of turning off comments on Instagram and Twitter and see if that helps. As a close friend recently said, I am unfortunately a magnet for criticism and hate (and I don’t know why) which I’m willing to bet has contributed to a lot of the overwhelm for this people pleaser.
Last week I purchased ear plugs to muffle out the sound of neighbors being rowdy at night so that I can get better sleep. I hate the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears (due to my PTSD from medical emergencies) but it’s something I’ll work on. I also love my noise-cancelling headphones but sometimes I just need quiet.
The library sent me about half a dozen books I was waiting weeks (and even months) for between yesterday and today, something I’m sure is the Holy Spirit nudging me to follow through with my plans to slow down. Nothing will slow me down like a good book, especially since I can only do that (read a book) and not split my attention with anything else.
As soon as the weather cools down, I’m bringing back my tea drinking (something I used to do a lot of back in the day but haven’t done in years). The day I can cuddle up with a good book, a cup of tea, and have the rain pounding on my roof will be my day of bliss.
I’m also eagerly awaiting the drop in temps so I can finally make it to Mass in person instead of only watching it on a screen. Since our parish holds its Masses outside and I have that heat sensitivity (I get physically sick in anything over 80 degrees) I’ve been waiting. Yes, there are also parishes that have Masses inside but I don’t currently have the financial means to pay for transportation that won’t keep me out in the heat, waiting for my ride to pick me up, for long periods of time. I have medical transportation that gets me to and from my doctors appointments but they don’t cover anything that isn’t medical so I wait. Please, God, bring the lower temps back!
I’m sure I’ll make more plans as these new changes become habit and I find other things that I need to change but that is it for now.
Will I ever get that bubbly, optistismic girl back? I don’t know. I‘ve been through a lot but I don’t think it’s impossible for me to revert back to that. If that’s how I grew up and was for most of my life, I’m sure it’s still in there, somewhere. I’m not placing any goals or expectations on myself. I’m just going to do what I think is best for me and see how that changes everything else.
Alright, I think that’s long enough for now, don’t you think? Lol.
I hope y’all are having a good beginning of the week. I don’t know when I’ll blog again but I hope it’ll be more frequent as life slows down.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 😊
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