Ask anyone who knows me: I’m terrible at asking and receiving help. I have to be quite desperate to ask for help. It has all the coloring of pride but part of that has been learned.
From an early age, I was taught to never ask for help. If I needed something, I had to work for it myself. Asking for help was seen as a weakness… or an opportunity for someone else to later ask for a favor in return. It was all about control. Either I control the outcome or someone else controls it for me. So, as you can imagine, becoming blind was incredibly hard for me.
I am incredibly grateful to God for restoring enough of my eyesight so that I’m not 100% dependent on someone else for all my needs… but I still need help to do a lot of things. I can’t cook for myself because I don’t have either depth perception or enough clarity in eyesight to not potentially burn myself. Same with using a sharp knife. I can’t pour myself anything because I’ll spill it — either liquid or solid. I can’t get around without help from someone (or my new “white cane”). Obviously, I can no longer drive. The list goes on but you get the picture.
Becoming visually impaired has been life-changing, and not just because I’ve had to radically change my lifestyle. Yes, I’ve had to learn new ways of doing physical things but the best changes have been (and continue to be) internal.
I’ve had to swallow my pride and ask for help, something that I’m still learning to do. I’ve had to keep working on undoing a lifetime (so far) of the negative and erroneous thoughts I’ve associated with the word “help.” I’m still a work in progress and I probably will be for a very long time but I’m trying. On some days it’s easier and on other days I’m in the front seat of the struggle bus.
One of the best experiences and lessons of humility in this area was my trip to Clear Creek Abbey. It was the first (and, really) only time I didn’t feel like a total burden to someone. I had let my Oblate sister (with whom I traveled) know of my limitations and the things I needed help with. I felt embarrassed but I knew I couldn’t do most things on my own. She showed me what it was to love someone as Christ loves us; to help someone out of charity (in the best sense of the word) and friendship. It helped me realize that allowing people to help me was a form of giving as well — a chance for them to serve me as they would Christ, which could be seen as a gift I was giving them in return.
I’ve only recently received my white cane because my health insurance refused to cover the expense for it… or for Orientation and Mobility Training (OMT) which I’m currently saving up to pay for myself. In the meantime, I’m going to use it however I can… and try to not let it make me feel weak or ashamed for the help I may need. I hate feeling like a burden or a nuisance to anyone. I especially hate feeling like I’m attracting attention (it’s an anxiety trigger in me) which the cane will undoubtedly bring. But, like I said, I know God will use it to further whittle away my pride even further and give me the opportunity to love others by allowing them to help me.
Just a few thoughts I wanted to share with y’all on this Ember Friday.
I hope y’all are having a fruitful Lent so far… and, if you’re not, that the Lord uses this time to help you get closer to the person He wishes you to be.
As always, thanks for reading and God bless.
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