Now, before any of you think this is a weird start to the post -- especially those of you who are new to this blog -- let me explain something: this is the cemetery where my father is buried. He died a little over 9 years ago from colon cancer that eventually metastasized and spread to other vital organs. I will occasionally go visit him on my own but I usually go with my mom... and it's almost always planned.
I knew, driving to the spot near where he's buried, that there was something greater at work with my split-second decision. I've driven by the cemetery (only a couple of miles from where we live) several times recently and I always do the Sign of the Cross but I haven't stopped by. Today, I just knew I couldn't do that.
The cemetery was empty. I was very well aware of that as I drove through the cemetery and even more so as I was walking to Dad's grave. There is a somber peace about an empty cemetery. It will make you really have a Memento Mori moment.
I'll admit that I started crying before I even made it to my father's grave. The second I reached it, I broke down in a full-blown sob.
I was always very much a "daddy's girl." When I was growing up, it was just my daddy and I. My mother always worked during the day and he worked the graveyard shift so I spent most of my waking hours with him. Whenever he would grab his car keys, I would grab my dolls and get ready to leave with him. Sure, there were (naturally) a couple of tense years during my teens and even more so when I reverted to the Faith, but I always loved my dad. He was overprotective and strict but I know he was that way because he wanted to protect me.
Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed and stressed out about circumstances beyond my control. It's when I feel this way that I miss him the most. He always made me feel better; always made me feel loved. So when I reached his grave, the first words out of my mouth were, "Daddy, I miss you... and I'm feeling overwhelmed."
Logically, I knew that he wasn't physically there. Yes, what's left of his earthly body may still be there but I know his soul is elsewhere. Still, I had a "chat" with him because sometimes a girl just needs her dad. I unburdened my heart and my troubles. I know that, wherever he is, he knows exactly what I'm talking about; that he might've had similar experiences with the same person who has been causing a lot of problems in my life now.
I sobbed the entire time I was there. I asked that, if he was already in Heaven, he pray for me. I prayed for his soul and promised to return to his grave soon. I like to decorate his grave marker with marigolds so I'll be back to do it next week. I walked away, feeling both lighter and also very sad.
I don't think I will ever "get over" his death. He was the first person who told me I was worthy of respect; that I was worth being loved. He fought hard and sacrificed to make sure I got a good education. Though he used to grumble and we used to argue about my wanting to go to Mass and confession frequently -- he was away from the Church for 40+ years before his reversion a few months before he passed -- he made sure I was in a better place, spiritually, than he was.
All of this also made me reflect on how I also still have my Heavenly Father. I usually go to our Blessed Mother when I find myself in tears but I know I can go to God and talk to Him. I have, but not for a long time. Perhaps I should carve out some time in my crazy busy schedule and just have a chat with Him as well.
Sometimes a girl needs her Dad... and I'm so blessed and fortunate to have had an earthly one that taught me my own worth and showed me so much love in the first 24 years of my life... and a heavenly One Who has always shown me so much love throughout my life, even when I haven't been at my best.
Anyway, just some ponderings since I had little free time today. :)
I hope you all had a lovely weekend!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D
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