Monday, August 19, 2013

Discernment Mambo: Indecision

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I am currently discerning both my career and vocation once again. When I think I have it all figured out, something happens and I end up rethinking my decisions. It's a vicious, never ending cycle (thinking, rethinking, doubting decisions, more thinking) that happens every time I make a big decision. It's who I am but thankfully I am not doing it on my own this time around.

I have been thinking about the career part more than the vocation part because the applications for grad school will go up in a few weeks and I want to apply early. It's a huge decision for me -- whether I will get my Master of Arts in Theology or a Master of Science in Speech-Language Pathology -- and I am not going to leave any question unanswered. It's not easy, as no big decisions are. Some days I think that doing something like Youth Ministry or working for a parish would be best for me but, in all honesty, most days I think that being a Speech Therapist would be best for me. I have to take into consideration what will both utilize the gifts God gave me as well as what would fulfill His will for me.

I think that I might be dismissing an MA in Theology because of how much I hated my experience as a Religious Studies undergrad. I don't have to tell most of you; a good number of you have been reading this blog for a long time and/or at least know that I attended a "CINO" (Catholic in Name Only) college in which they taught liberation theology, ragged on then Pope (Emeritus) Benedict XVI, and made my life miserable for being the "tradition" (read: orthodox) student who made them uncomfortable with my unwillingness to be swayed to their side of thinking... and for speaking up (when I got the chance) on my beliefs. It sort of ruined it for me. I know all schools aren't like that but it was hard for me. I used to cry when I was at home because of how I was treated and because of the atrocities I heard during lectures. I even cried during lectures. That bad.

At the same time, I am not the same girl I was when I decided to get my BA in Religious Studies. I wanted to get it because I didn't know much about my faith and I wanted to share everything I learned with others, especially the young (though older people were the ones with whom I usually had these conversations with). I've seen that I don't need to be in a parish or a Catholic school (though I wouldn't be opposed to it) to always do God's will and/or evangelize.

I've been thinking of what I can do with an SLP M.Sc. My mom's doctor told me (when I mentioned it to her) that she thought it was an excellent decision for me and that I could use it to "continue (my) ministry." I wasn't sure how she meant that so I started thinking about it. Maybe, if I work hard and get the opportunity, I can afford to offer free SLP services to those who can't afford it but need it, especially the poor that go to parishes to ask for help. Maybe I can use my degree to help priest, religious brothers, and religious sisters who have had strokes with their speech therapies. I wouldn't charge them for it; it would be my way of giving back and thanking them for all they've done for us and for God. There are possibilities for me to be able to give back if I choose that career path.

The thing is that I am not sure what God wants me to do... and that's what my spiritual director is trying to help me figure out. Since novenas and prayers were helping but not getting me too far, he suggested to try the Ignatian discernment process. It's been slow but I am getting somewhere. I've been praying both the Little Office and the Liturgy of the Hours to help give me peace and de-stress and it has also been helping. Still, it will be an interesting and difficult couple of weeks (and months, since I still have my vocation -- married vs single life -- to discern again) so if y'all can spare a prayer for me at some point, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Anyway, this has been on my mind lately (and especially today) so I thought I'd write it all out and share. :)

And now, I should go try to get through the library books that are due this week. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and have a wonderful week. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

1 comment:

Julie Baldwin said...

My two cents - I think it is just as important to witness in fields not religion based, because you can usually have a wider impact. That being said, I am biased toward your latter choice. Speech pathologists are SO NEEDED, and you're the sweetest ever. You're also bilingual. People will speech impediments tend to be very self-conscious of them (myself included - I used to have the worst stutter, and was bullied in grade school), and they really benefit from the kindness of speech pathologists to encourage and teach them. In my case, my teacher Irv taught me to use my "eaaaaaasy speech" whenever I got really flustered and embarrassed. I'm tearing up thinking about him now!