The biggest realization I had over this weekend (especially Sunday) is that I've disappointed myself in a big way. You know how I talked about an intense yet unexplained desire to pray? It was connected to my vocation (in a way) but it seems to have been (mostly) God's way of bringing me back to Him. See, I realized that I've been acting in a way that is very unlike me for the past couple of months. Yes, months. Not too many... since late February or early March, maybe. I know some of you guys have noticed it but no one called me out on it. No, that's okay; it was something that I needed to figure out myself.
At some point during Lent, the idea that I wasn't good enough entered my mind. The people pleasing part of myself that I had worked so hard to tone down was back and worse than ever. I wasn't knowledgeable enough to defend the Faith or to even talk about. I didn't show my love of God enough while others made it look effortless. I had to impress this person. I had to impress that person. This was at a time when my friendships were thrown into disarray as well, so I was questioning a lot of different things. I sort of fell into this pattern of trying to keep up with everyone as well as please them... and that wasn't making me happy. (side note: yes, I know life isn't about making myself happy or comfortable, but you know what I mean.)
Here is where the vocation part comes into play: I realized that I was trying to impress someone but I wasn't being myself in the process. I can feel my cheeks flush as I admit this. I feel as if my vocation discernment is moving forward after being stagnant for years... and I'm terribly out of practice. I took myself out "off the market" for years because of what I had going on. From ages 17 through 24, my focus was helping take care of my father. When he passed, my focus became graduating college (which I'd put on hold for a while). After graduating college, my focus on getting a job so I could contribute to the households expenses. Then it became getting my Bachelor of Science in speech-language pathology so I could have a stable, good paying job instead of following my heart of doing the Master of Arts in Theology. As y'all know, last November I'd pushed myself to the point where I got physically sick and had to take a break from school while my body tried (and is still trying) to recover. Vocation? Always on the back-burner until recently. That's 12 years of not dating and having only one major crush that lasted years.
I don't remember if I've written about this in the past but I've been keeping a notebook of letters to my future husband for quite some time now. I try to write once every two weeks. Today is scheduled as my next letter... and I'm going to 'fess up to acting like a massive dork (especially around a guy) because I'd forgotten what was important. Hey, I'm sharing my adventures during the waiting period with him. ;)
Here are what my new goals are since I've reflected on my past actions:
- Those "not good enough" thoughts that have crept into my mind? Crummy thoughts meet novenas to the Holy Spirit and Mary Undoer of Knots. In fact, I think it was the recent novena to Mama Mary that helped me realize my actions. Pentecost is coming up (as is one of my favorite novenas to the Holy Spirit) so that will be up next.
- Not feeling like I'm knowledgeable enough? *shrugs* That's why I'm going to be attending grad school in a couple of months. In the meantime, I really want to make a dent into the long list of Catholic books I want to read before I begin school. I don't know when will be the next time I have a long period of time in which I have basically nothing to do but rest and write whatever I want.
- Not feeling like I show my love for God enough? Okay, maybe I don't express it as often through social media as some of my peers do but He knows how much I love Him.
- Impressing people? I'm not going back to that. I've disappointed myself too much to repeat it. The worst part was that I didn't even realize what I was doing until a couple of weeks into my actions. Sigh. Also, any guy who is worth my time will not make me feel like I will need to impress him all the time in order for him to like me. I'm quiet, kind of shy at times, and a massive nerd. Take it or leave it, gentlemen. lol. ;)
Other fun goals for myself:
- Start saving up for a trip to the Vatican and to Ireland (I really want to hike Mt. Croagh Patrick) after I graduate from grad school. I have roughly two years to make this happen. :)
- Get my "to-do" list under 5 things. See, I have a long list of things I really want to do but don't because of whatever excuse comes up. I really do like crossing things off my list so that's fun for me. Yes, I'm a nerd... and proud. ;)
- Finish my third novel by the end of summer. It's do-able; I wrote London Calling in 28 days. :D
- Start an indoor garden of some sort. I live in an apartment so my options are limited but I am home almost all day on most days so I can always water plants and make sure they get enough sunlight. :)
- Daily Mass. I really do miss going to daily Mass and I'm trying to slowly build up my red blood cells with the new iron pills so I should have more energy in the near future.
Anyway, just felt like sharing this. Yes, I failed but hopefully someone will learn from my mistakes. :)
Now, if y'all will excuse me, I'm going to go do a couple of things before my guilty pleasure show (19 Kids and Counting) begins. ;)
As always, thanks and reading and God bless! :D