Thursday, January 30, 2014

Fortnight of Murphy's Law (?) and Some Heartache

As you might've noticed, it's been exactly two weeks since I last blogged. No, I didn't plan for the hiatus. In fact, I came up with a number of topics in that time but never seemed to find the time to blog because, as you might've guessed from the post title, I've had a heck of a fortnight. I am not saying that everything that happened were spiritual attacks... but I'm also not saying that they weren't.

The day after my last blog post, I headed to my usual (well, usual up until that Friday) time parked in front of the tabernacle. I'd been doing it for weeks so it wasn't unusual. However, I couldn't get through the Rosary or any prayers. I shook and felt physically ill, which I chalked up to the lack of a proper breakfast since I'd been battling a bit of insomnia the days before. After I left, I felt fine. I've only been back to church once (last week) because every time I've attempted, something happens so that I'm physically unable to even drive to the church. Mostly (as those who follow me on Twitter may have seen) it's been stomach problems that left me feeling terrible and dizzy. Oh, and the last time I went? Anxiety was through the roof and I couldn't even make it through the Rosary (had to do the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy first) because of how bad it was. Of course, when I finished and left, I felt fine. Silly.

How about Mass? Well, I haven't been to Mass (or confession) in two weeks either. The past two Saturdays and Sundays, Murphy's Law has once again set in. Sundays I usually have stomach issues (and dizziness to the point where I couldn't even stand straight last Sunday). It only lasts long enough for me to miss driving to Mass. Last Saturday I was feeling well... but a car hose decided to burst, leaking all the antifreeze and water out of my car. Took the mechanic two hours longer than anticipated to fix it... long enough for me to miss Saturday Vigil Mass.

Spiritual direction? Meeting cancelled last week because my SD ended up having a number of things overlap during the day. That was also the day my mom managed to get off from work early because she had a deep desire to pray in front of the tabernacle while I had my meeting. Yeeeah. Neither of us have managed to pray in a church... yet.

Again, not saying all of these things count as spiritual attacks... but I'm not saying they're not either. It's just curious (let's call it Murphy's Law, shall we?) that all these have happened lately, especially since I have been praying nonstop for two good friends who are discerning the priesthood and one who is discerning religious life. I'm just going to put this meme I found on tumblr here before I continue on:

So, what else has kept me from blogging? Well, I've experienced a good deal of heartache in the past month, but especially in the past two weeks. It doesn't necessarily involve heartache in a romantic sense but definitely in a platonic sense.

Without going into great detail, I've felt greatly disappointed in a friend who I deeply care about. I am using present tense but I don't easily shut off my feelings. Anyway, I actually did the novena of Mary, Undoer of Knots because I had been having a very uneasy feeling about the friendship. Hmm, not sure if uneasy is the right word. I was confused. Yes, that's more accurate. I was confused about the state of our friendship and I wanted clarity so I did the novena. What I didn't anticipate was the friendship completely unraveling.

Again, without going into detail, let's just say that I saw that I was making excuses for how this person had been treating me throughout almost the entirety of our friendship. It was very Jane Bennet of me (as my friends like to say). This person brought out the best in me -- the confidence I needed to be okay with how much I love the faith and the "traditional" aspects of it (i.e. mantillas, Latin Masses, etc) -- but I was being consistently (emotionally) hurt by their actions. The last thing this person did was show me how little respect they have for me as a friend... and I felt a great sense of betrayal that made me say "I'm done." I was blinded before but now I can see things clearly. Now you see why there was confusion on my end? It was a tricky situation.

During my last two confessions, the priests (yes, two different ones) advised me to look closely at my friendships and to distance myself from those that were hurting me. The last two weeks, I haven't had to do much -- my friendships have shown their true colors to me. This friendship that I cherished... well, it needed to end and I needed to see why it needed to end. While I am truly grateful for the wonderful things it brought me, I cannot continue it as it'd become an emotionally taxing roller coaster ride for me.

If these two last weeks of heartbreak have been part of the "Murphy's Law" (or spiritual attacks, if you wish to see them as such) and if they were meant to try to pull me away from God, it did the opposite. Yesterday, I wanted to cry (which, I admit, I'd been doing quite a bit of) but I had an even bigger desire to park myself in front of the tabernacle once again. Instead of it trying to dissuade me from my vocation (because it was somehow tied to it), it didn't sway me to go "well, then, I'll just become a nun or stay single." If anything, it showed me that Mama Mary is looking out for me and that I still felt God's presence. 

Sure, I might not have had the chance to attend Mass or even go pray in a church, but I still pray every day. I don't see what's happened as God not caring for me (though I had a pretty bad night, last week, when I felt almost pushed to believe that not even God cared for me). In fact, I like to believe that while, yes, the heartache stinks, it's all for the best. In the long run this disappointment and these tears will be forgotten and I'll be much happier.

So, there you have it. That's my excuse for not blogging over the past two weeks. I've been wanting to, but things always came up and I spent a good amount of time away from the laptop. Draw your own conclusions whether it was Murphy's Law or spiritual attacks.

I hope to blog more often now that I think (and hope!) I have everything sorted. We shall see. :D

Anyway, I hope y'all have had a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

1 comment:

Joe Potillor said...

*hugs and prayers*

The past few weeks have been Murphy's Law for myself as well. Just keep chugging along :D

Let not the tides of the storm discourage you :)