Returning to Confession and Mass

5 weeks. 5 long weeks of no confession, no Mass, and no Eucharist. Illnesses, lack of a/c in the car on days in which heat waves had no mercy, and a number of other obstacles (some mental) that prevented us from going. I didn't like it. I didn't feel "right." I had too many things pop up -- a lot of old, bad habits that I was unprepared to face again.

Has anyone ever experienced that before -- the longer you stay away from the confessional and Mass, the easier it is to fall into terrible habits? I was doing well and the chips hit the fan. I became angry over how people were treating me -- an emotion I've been told I shouldn't experience despite how I was treated. There were arguments between my mother and I over a ton of miscommunications and other factors beyond my control. It became easier to be uncharitable when my neighbors did or said something unkind to/about us.

This past Saturday we finally made it to confession and we attended Mass yesterday. Can you heard the angels singing? We almost hit a snag on Saturday but were able to overcome it and we went. I even thought "why go? I don't want to go" but I still went because I knew better. It felt lovely to wipe the slate (almost) clean. I say "almost" because I know some stuff will linger and purgatory will be waiting (I hope). I felt renewed; energized. Somehow the habits that had returned were easier to ignore and not continue after confession. I'm not sure if it was the power of confession, the knowledge that my sins had been absolved, or a combination of both. God's grace is amazing and powerful. Yesterday's Mass at 6:45 a.m. (my favorite) was solemn and lovely despite the sound system not cooperating with the monsignor who celebrated the Mass.

I hope to don't go a long time without attending Mass again. The car's a/c has been fixed and the temperatures have been quite low for L.A. summer standards lately. I have an idea of how to keep myself healthier for the weekend. I know, thanks to my current doctor who is seriously on top of multiple blood tests to determine the cause of my illnesses, that I have folate deficiency at the moment so lentils and lots of foods rich in folic acid are in my future.

I still feel a bit off; a disconnect from God. I think that may be normal. We won't always feel close to Him even when He is with us. I suspect mine is left over from the 5-week gap. That and I had a crummy two weeks with a lot of inner turmoil with friendship and parental issues that I'm just now overcoming.

Anyway, just wanted to share these thoughts. Not sure if they'll be of much help to anyone but I needed to get them out. Keep me accountable, y'all.

I should go try to get some more tortillas in my system. There was a gas leak in our building and the gas has been shut off since Thursday. That means we've been eating out (which has gotten expensive) and/or eating things we can heat in the microwave. Though several men from the gas company are here, still no word on when we can use our stoves again. Or shower. I miss showering. Baby wipes aren't the same but at least I don't stink. lol. Wish us luck. ;)

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Fainting in Confession and Getting Upset Over It

Raise your hand if you blacked out during your confession this weekend. *raises hand*

There is really no big explanation for why it happened, it just did. I was fine all day. I drove to the parish (with isn't the closest one but the one in which our - mom's and my - preferred confessor is at) and I parked the car. I walked into the parish, genuflected, and got in line. I was in line may 15 minutes and I looked around at the beautiful stained glass windows in the parish. I went into the confessional, knelt down, and started my confession. About halfway through my list (yes, I make lists using one of the confession apps; I want to get everything in) I suddenly felt lightheaded and weak. I told my confessor that I felt dizzy and sat in the chair inside the confessional. I continued to go through the list of my confessions when I started feeling like I couldn't breathe, I broke out in a cold sweat, and I blacked out. The last thing I remembered was my confessor saying he absolved me from my sins (even the ones I didn't get a chance to confess), him telling me what my penance was, and then getting out and grabbing the nearest pew just in time for me to collapse onto it. It probably sounds more dramatic than it was but that's how it happened. I remember someone asking me if I was okay and being asked if I needed a medic which means it probably looked pretty bad.

The entire time I was in the pew (trying to control my breathing and to move a little since my hands and feet went into full on tingle mode) only one thought came to mind: I was upset that I didn't finish my confession. I was really, really not happy... to the point where I cried over it. I did it silently as I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I had gone nearly a month without going to confession (which is long for me since I like to go once every two weeks - even for venial sins) and I hadn't gone to Mass in nearly that long due to the Christmas Day food poisoning followed by two weeks of a nasty cold that kept me in bed and quarantined to the house. I remembered my penance so I did that while trying to get back to normal. Hey, just because I felt like burnt crumbs didn't mean I was going to push that aside. It took a couple more minutes to get myself well enough to walk back to my car (with the help of my mom). As soon as the fresh air hit me and I was safely in my car, I started to slowly feel better. As soon as I felt myself well enough to drive (I have to since my mother hasn't driven since a terrible accident that nearly cost her her life), I made my way back towards the house. I felt fine as soon as we left. It was bizarre.

The one thing I learned about this incident, besides "wow, I really do get embarrassed easily (even when I can't control certain things)" is that I really do take going to confession and being able to receive the Eucharist more seriously than I thought... which is good. I felt horrible that I didn't finish my confession properly but I still felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I'm not saying that if you feel like crumbs and don't think you could make it to/through confession you should still go (if I hadn't felt well, I would've waited to go to the Cathedral during the week for their noon time confession) but it just reminded me of how important it is to go to confession.

Not get all morbid on y'all but we have to remind ourselves of our mortality at least once in a while. For me, frequent confession helps me break out of my habits that can lead to sinning (though sometimes I have to go a couple of times to break the nastier ones). I like to remind myself that we, as human beings, make mistakes and that we're not perfect... but that we Catholics have such a wonderful sacrament that allows us to not get or keep ourselves away from God because of whatever sins we commit. Of course I don't mean that we can do whatever we want and think it's okay because we can go to confession to "erase" or strike those bad deed from our "record" later on (this is actually a sin itself). We all do things or have done things we've not been proud of but if we are truly repentant of those actions, we can go confess them and we can then continue to receive the body and blood of Jesus Christ (say it with me: transubstantiation is awesome). It helps keep our souls healthy and helps us get that much closer to Heaven when we do eventually pass on. This episode, as well as my father's story (I wrote about it in my first published article on Envoy Magazine), have really driven home this message. I know that the next time I go to confession (knowing me, it will be this weekend to get in whatever I left out last time -- for my own peace of mind) I will thank God for the opportunity to do so.

Anyway, just wanted to share this experience with y'all. I actually have a ton of reading to do (a couple of chapters so that I am prepared for tomorrow's classes) and this was kind of procrastinating. lol. Oops. Well, it was for a good cause. lol. ;)

I hope y'all had a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D